June 1996 in 1990s

SUNDAY, JUNE 30, 1996
What a gorgeous night it is out there now. There’s a full moon out and the moonlight is so beautiful. Everything’s lit up in such a way that makes it so peaceful and comforting. I can see any creatures that might be out there to avoid them. The moonlight is so bright that half the pool is lit up to where I can see straight through to the bottom and the moonlight rippling on the water was almost hypnotic. I contemplated going skinny-dipping but decided not to. I have so much to catch up on here.

Today was very hot and humid. It’s to be more humid tomorrow, too, and the monsoon season is officially here early, says Tom. We have the AC going now for the first time this year and we may need it for at least a few days. The humidity in here was 70% at noon when I got up and when the EC was still on.

I’ve finally found a more enjoyable way to work out. Well, rather than doing it to Denise’s video where she blabs away and plays that pitiful music, and rather than doing it to TV where I lose count, I’ve been throwing on my headphones and exercising to my music. I hope I can stick to this.

The other day at Mom and Dad’s, Ma said she’d bake chicken wings by dipping them in buttermilk first, then seasoning them. I had Tom get some buttermilk and I dipped some wings in it, then seasoned it with garlic salt. It was pretty good, but I liked them fried the best, even if it’s not too healthy.

Dad looked awful the other day and is steadily getting worse.

Tom and I were curious about when some things were done, so I looked them up by using the search mode and going through my computer version journals. A certain set of pictures we just got developed was shot last August 31st, so I guess that’s the last time our pictures were taken and we definitely have to take current ones soon. My last hair trim was last October 31st, and I thought October was when I began feeding the birds, but apparently not. It was last July.

SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 1996
Tom turned 39 yesterday.

I absolutely don’t believe it. No one’s home at all next door. However, it’s still early, so we’ll just have to wait and see as the weekend’s still young. Robin might be connected to this, but I’ll get into it later.

I’m gonna go listen to music for a little while and maybe sing, and then I’ll definitely touch base with what’s going on.

Later…

There are lots of birds out there now. Nearly 40. I’ve got to cut the population in half, but I hope that doesn’t mean losing some of my favorite ones.

Anyway, Andy hasn’t gotten me yet to work on the cat. He overslept the other day, but I told him not to worry about it and that we’d get to it eventually.

Tom only had to work half a day yesterday. He got off work yesterday at around noon and today he’s working half a day too. He left at 11:00 and will be home at 4:30 and then we’re gonna go see his folks.

Tom’s birthday was pretty good, and I hope mine will be, too. I hope any day is better for me than my last birthday.

When he came home yesterday I put a long skinny candle in a snack cake for him after making him his favorite - hotdogs.

Then we went to the mall and developed pictures which we’ll show his folks today. Some came out OK and some came out blurry. Especially the ones that were close up. I didn’t know you couldn’t shoot close up and I guess that that means that when we get the last roll back in the mail that we sent away to have developed, the shots of the birds on my arms that I took will be blurry. I guess I’ll have to have Tom shoot them on my arms and lap. The pictures we got of us were shot about 10 months ago, so we’ve got to take current ones since Tom’s thinner and my hair’s longer. The bird pictures that were included were from before they were brave enough to come near the patio, let alone on me. They’re from when they ate on the blocks in the back of the yard and a few of them show them getting drinks from the pool. There were also wall art pictures and stuff like that.

I’ll be sending Tammy and my parents some pictures and I’m gonna have more copies made to send to them as well as to Larry. Also, I want to send a couple to Anna & Harry. Believe it or not, there’s one picture in there where my face looks OK, but my hair and body actually look pretty good. Also, there are a few stupid pictures that I don’t know why I took, but I put them in the inner covers of this journal. There’s one of the display of that big stuffed animal, journals, and other stuff that we set up on the kitchen table to film and print out posters with. That’s when we were in business and were doing that PrintBIG program. One is of my bead collection and the other is of my journals on their shelves, but this was when I had only 97 of them.

Later…

Got a Bob letter. Nothing new.

Yesterday we browsed around in the mall where we got the pictures and I saw a really cool journal with fruit patterns on its pages and quotes and sayings, too. I’ve got my heart and mind set on getting it someday. Meanwhile, I still have about 244 pages worth left in my current one and one other one. We didn’t end up getting anything else other than the pictures and ice cream.

The Humane Society sent me 5 animal cards. Dogs and cats. I sent them to my parents, Larry, Tammy, Kim and Bob. I also sent Tammy that $35 towards Ma’s ring in the fancy floral envelope. I’m making one like it up for my parents, then I’ll do one for Larry and maybe Anna & Harry too.

Well, I think that’s the basics of all that’s been happening.

Just one more thing, before I get into Robin and other stuff. My parents called me when Tom was at his folks’ place and they got my letter in which I addressed my feelings. They said they understood and that it was a nice letter and they explained to me why it’s not easy for them to come out here and they say they might come out one at a time. Sounds good.

Then they called back later when Tom was home to wish him a happy birthday.

Yesterday we screwed earlier. At around 4 PM, so not to my surprise, he never went up top. Probably felt it was too risky since he was more awake (not that it’s my time to ovulate if I really do and am fertile). As we were about to screw, though, I thought I sensed Robin for a second saying, “This is it,” but I didn’t think anything of it.

Bullshit or not, I don’t know, but Tom claims to have had a missed orgasm. I guess that’s where you cum and there’s no doubt about it as always, but it’s really slight. You know you came, but you feel like you barely did. So he said, “I don’t know if our definition of a missed orgasm is the same and I don’t want to get in trouble here or have you think I’m lying or playing with your head, but that’s what it felt like to me. My heart was beating normally, then it went really fast and I felt like I had a total release go through my whole body.”

Do I think he’s telling the truth? I don’t know. He may be and he swears he is and swears that he still really did cum in the winter of ‘93. Well, females have missed orgasms where they barely cum and they don’t get too wet down there afterward, so I guess it’s possible that males can experience the same thing. Just like in the winter of ‘93, I felt no more juice than usual. I just hope he isn’t gonna end up lying and insisting that he cums every few times, but that he just doesn’t squirt anything. Overall orgasms in males have to squirt something out, so if he starts claiming regular and normal orgasms, I’ll be very suspicious and very doubtful.

Then it was bedtime and as I was lying there, I was worried about next door and what antics they could create throughout the weekend when Robin popped in on me. When she did, there was no anger or fear on my part. I just figured, oh well. She may have lied to me and fucked with our electrical stuff, but that’s about the extent of it. She hasn’t done anything worse than anything else that I’ve received from other sources, be it Tom, or whatever. I just lay there still and numb as she began to tell me, this is it. The new phase. Tom’s about to start cumming and it’ll be regularly enough. We will have that baby and I won’t have a miscarriage and I probably won’t need a C-section. She also said not to worry about next door this weekend and that Tom wasn’t kidding about his missed orgasm.

Well, I don’t know about any of the stuff except for the fact that so far she’s been right about next door. She also told me it’s OK to doubt her or feel certain negative feelings towards her cuz as far as she’s concerned, I’ll believe in her once things she says will happen do happen. Also, Robin said it’d be best if I put a gag order on myself and didn’t tell anyone what she told me till after the fact. She said that if I told people, it could subconsciously pull them against her words, but not intentionally.

THURSDAY, JUNE 27, 1996
Andy may be picking me up today, but I don’t know yet.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26, 1996
Not much is going on at the moment. I’m just doing this awesome floral design on my sister’s envelope. I’ll also do one for Larry and my parents. In one of my journal covers too, perhaps. Or in my sketchbook.

I’m waiting to see if Andy calls, about picking me up to work on the cat.

Tom said I misunderstood him when he was talking about evolving, but he didn’t clarify or explain himself. Maybe he will on our mailbox thing we’ve been using on the computer where we leave messages to each other.

I asked him what we should do about the appointment and he said to wait till we get closer to it, and then we’ll try to reach an agreement.

We’ll never reach an agreement. Not as long as I’m the only one wanting a kid and not as long as he’s the only one saying nothing is broke.

How do you agree with a guy who always insists he’s gonna cum, but never does?

I’m not gonna design inner covers that are colored, like this one’s colored in a deep purple, or covers with patterns or designs. Only white covers that I don’t have too much stuff on like cat photos and stuff like that.

Well, Ma gave me a really good book to read, so I’m gonna go read some more and take a break from all this drawing I’m been doing.

Also, Tom really loves all his envelopes.

TUESDAY, JUNE 25, 1996
I finally got an email from Tammy this morning. It’s about time she was online. As usual, though, she didn’t answer half my questions and she didn’t tell me how many messages there were from me. I hope they all got to her. She says to send $35 towards Ma’s ring whenever we can.

Got a letter from Bob the other day who says my letters are weird and he still cannot comprehend them.

Gee! I wonder why?

They have a new classified section on AOL. I saw people leaving ads for artwork they wanted as well as for artwork they wanted to do. I’d like to leave a few messages of my own. Meanwhile, I’m sure Tom will enjoy checking it out to see if he can find a job for him that hopefully is with computers. I intend to find a job somehow and somewhere. I made it clear to Tom that my days of sitting around while he makes false promises to me are over. I’m gonna get a real life and stop dwelling on dreams that died or dreams that could never come alive and true.

I made it clear to him how mad I was over the fact that he sometimes helps others before me and how he always seems to keep his word to others, but not always to his wife. Especially with things that really matter to me. I told him I thought it was rather sad that he’d jump to help me if there was something physically wrong with me, but no, we can’t go to a doctor to get our sex lives straightened out and to see about what to do about having a kid. Instead, I have to sit and suffer on and off while he tells me nothing’s broken.

He explained something to me about the missionary position. It made sense, but at the same time, I don’t buy it. It’s just another excuse as far as I’m concerned. He said that we have to get used to a missionary position and adapt to it. He says he’s still paranoid about putting too much weight on me and he needs time to get comfortable with this position. He’s been comfortable with other positions and he should be comfortable enough with this one to get off. It’s just one excuse after another with him. He’d just rather fix other people’s cars and computers and see me go through what I’ve been going through and take care of my health rather than get me pregnant. It’s just easier for some people to bullshit people than face and tell the truth.

I was thinking of doing an art project for me. Doing art for others is great and I love doing that, but I thought it was time I did something for me. So I took the last handful of journals and checked their inner covers. If there’s room enough, I may do drawings on them.

Now I must go get cracking on the rest of his envelopes.

Later…

I finished the envelopes. Nice to have that out of the way, even though I enjoyed it. I don’t enjoy how sore my back gets after a while, though.

Andy left a message saying tonight’s a good night for him to pick me up after work to work on the cat, but I’ll be on my way to bed at that time. Since he has the next two days off, though, I’ll hopefully be able to get over there after he gets up to work on it then.

Later…

I just remembered something. I asked Tom the other day how he’d feel if I were pregnant. Now, I don’t buy this, but he said, happy, excited, and anxious, and that he’d be looking forward to it. Then remember how I said I asked him how he’d feel if it were me who never came? Well, if he can’t answer pretend questions and questions about situations he’s never been in before, then how come he could tell me how he’d feel if I were pregnant? He had no problem many months ago telling me he’d be fine with it if I didn’t cum.

I just don’t know how I’m ever gonna be able to turn this anger I have towards him and the depression I still have here and there about not having a kid into something positive. Just when I think I’m over it and am moving on, I’m stuck in the same old shit as far as my emotions go. I try to tell myself not to be angry at him, cuz God would never allow me a child anyway. And cuz of all the good he has in him and cuz of all the horrible things that come out of having a kid. I’ll do anything to forget about having a baby. Anything to get him to stop teasing me and lying to me about it. Anything to kick this issue out of my life, for once and for all.

Why does God hate me so much? Why does he want me to have all this time on my hands? Why does he not want a purpose and a destiny for me? I can’t have a career, I can’t be a mother, I can’t be anything? I’ve tried for these things and I just don’t know why God won’t help me. If he won’t help me achieve these things, why won’t he help me forget about a kid and help me settle for something else? Guess I am settling, though, since I’ll never be able to do the things I really want to do. I just don’t understand why God wants to punish me so much. How many more years am I gonna have to feel the way I do?

MONDAY, JUNE 24, 1996
I heard just what I needed to hear on TV just now. A judge in Florida gave a man who murdered his former wife custody of the kid he had with his second wife, even though he was a murderer, and not to his wife cuz she was a lesbian. So, in other words, you can have your kid if you kill, but not if you sleep with the same sex. Gays and lesbians are of no more harm to their kids than straights are. Not as long as you keep bedroom stuff in the bedroom and don’t do anything more than kiss or hold hands, whether you’re gay or straight. That judge should’ve been fired, the murderer should’ve been executed and the lesbian should have her kid. And what makes the case sicker is knowing that God helped see to it that this murderer got the kid and that the lesbian didn’t.

Yesterday I really blew up at Tom following the fact that he spent nearly 6 hours at Eldon’s and we didn’t even get the monitor he said he’d let us use. Then he spent 4 or 5 more hours on the phone with Wendy answering her computer questions. By the time he wanted us to “get close,” I was beat and had to go to bed.

He said he was sorry we didn’t get time together, but I told him, “Hey. You chose Eldon and Wendy over me.” Then I lost it. For once, though, he really seemed sympathetic and understanding and sorry, rather than irritated and he didn’t turn it on me. Still, even though I lost it and had to get it out, nothing’s ever gonna change. He’s got his priorities and goals made up in his mind. I told him, though, I’m tired of coming last. If someone wants something from him, no problem. Meanwhile, he won’t give the child to his wife that he promised we could have. I’m just so sick of other people’s needs coming first and the TV and the computer coming first. He keeps his word to his fucking friends and family, but not to his own fucking wife. Well, doing for others is great and I don’t want him to stop that, I just want him to put me first and to put his actions where his mouth is and follow through on the promises he makes to me. Other people’s needs come right away, but I was told I had to wait to see a doctor with him back when I wanted to go and I had to suffer in the meantime. He’s lucky I love him as much as I do. Most other women would’ve said, “Fine, you can do for others, but I have needs too, and I need to go to a doctor and get our sex lives straightened out if possible and I need us to do what we can to get help having this kid we said we wanted. Our needs should be first. I shouldn’t have to sit and suffer and worry about it while you falsely promise me you’ll be cumming soon and that I’ll be pregnant soon and that nothing’s broken between us.”

Then he said “I’m sorry. You were neglected today and I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re so angry and I’m trying the best I can to get you pregnant. I want a kid more than you know, but I can’t get you pregnant tonight.”

No, he couldn’t have gotten get me pregnant last night, but he’s had a couple of years in which he could’ve if we’re both physically okay and he hasn’t. Why can’t he just either admit he never wanted a kid or get help a long time ago?

I told him I just can’t trust him with a lot of things. Not all things, but a lot of things. If you can lie about a kid, you can lie about anything. I’m sick of the fact that it seems that the only way I can get attention is if I’m having a crisis or if I literally cry out to him. I wish I could come first and in between his parents, Wendy, Eldon, the TV, the computer, and not last.

I told him I know I’m not perfect and I was sorry if I sounded selfish and spoiled, but this is how I honestly feel and I just had to tell him, even though it’d never do a damn bit of good.

I really should spend more time being busy or with Andy and break my words and promises to him so he can see what it’s like, but I just can’t do that without feeling guilty. Not if I can help it, anyway. I did so, though, this morning, but not intentionally. He told me last night he wanted sex this morning, but I overslept. Do I feel guilty? No. Did he seem bummed about it? No. He says he’s psyched at the idea of seeing me tonight, though.

Yes, Tom is a very busy person, but he needs to balance things better. If he spent less time on the phone or at other people’s houses or with the TV and the computer, then maybe we could do more together. And he wouldn’t have to cut out other stuff that much to make sufficient time for us, either.

Another thing I’m so fucking sick and tired of is his goddamn contradictions. A long time ago I had asked him how he’d feel if it were me that never came and he said he wouldn’t feel bad at all and he’d just see it as how I was and let me be me. I asked him again the other night and he said he didn’t know how he’d feel cuz he can’t imagine how he’d feel in a pretend situation. Now, this isn’t someone’s feelings or opinions changing with time. This is a contradiction.

We do have some good times where we laugh, joke, tease each other, and just have fun, but it just doesn’t seem like enough times, though. The times we spend together seem so rare and so short.

Now I really get how frustrated Brenda and Kacey were with me since I had a lower appetite than they had.

Yesterday wasn’t made any better by the fact that I accidentally dropped one of my doggie mugs. I figured there’d be a casualty sooner or later, but at least it was the Cocker Spaniel which is my least favorite. So now I only have 5 left and hopefully, I can get a Husky or a German Shepherd soon enough.

Tom “says” that he wants to get the 3 rolls of film we’ve got shot up developed with his birthday money, but we’ll see. That’d be nice since they’ve been ready for development for quite a while. We just didn’t have the money for that these last several months. I can’t wait to check out the bird pictures, as well as other stuff. I took a few new pictures of them with a new roll I just loaded in. I got some of them on my hands and arms and one of them at the edge of the pool while I was in it.

AOL has a classified section now, which we’re both gonna check out.

I’m still contemplating getting a hysterectomy, so as not to have to deal with periods and Tom’s teasing me about having a kid. If I were smart, I’d have gotten one done long ago since a kid really isn’t destined with or without Tom. Reminding myself of that helps ease some of the anger I have toward Tom. It’s just the principle of the point. You don’t lie to someone and play with their heads about something that you know means a lot to them.

Not a peep out of next door all weekend. The only time they were heard was in the music room, said Tom, when they were barbecuing. Then they went in and ate and shut up. There were two Blazers there yesterday, but when I got up at 6:00 this morning there wasn’t one vehicle there.

I dread next weekend, cuz if there is a pattern, this will be the weekend they’ll freak out. Every 3 weekends, they’ll probably go wild. Tom said we’ll be busy together, though. We’ll see about that. But busy or not, I don’t want to hear their shit.

Tom explained to me more about what he has in mind to do with the envelopes I’m making up for him (I have 5 left!). He says he wants to open them up from where they’re glued and spread them out into a sheet of paper. Then he wants to film them on the computer with the camcorder. Then he wants to print them out and fold them into envelopes. That way we can make copies of however many we want of certain drawings to use to make envelopes out of. That ought to be neat and if works out really well, I’ll probably do more drawings for envelopes. Also, we still have to back up my directory and scan in my newer drawings. Yesterday I did an envelope that he and I both were quite impressed with. I drew frames and did different flower scenes in them. Yes, flowers are certainly my best. Wish it were people, though.

Later…

I just got done giving Tom a hard-on. It’s his favorite time for that anyway, and then he went to bed. Right now I’m sure he’s finishing the job.

He came home in a great mood. Maybe he feels guilty. He said that be it sexually or not, he’ll not evolve if he doesn’t want to and then he sometimes will when he doesn’t want to. Oh, so I guess that was an admission of the fact that he hasn’t wanted to evolve. I reminded him that he’s him and I’m me and that’s not gonna change. We’ll see, he said. We already have seen. At least I have, anyway.

Earlier, we played cards and he helped me go through the steps of backing up my directory. He also deleted a word I accidentally added to the dictionary.

I’m getting kind of tired now, so I think I’m gonna try to go to bed now. If not, maybe I’ll write more later, or read or do something.

SUNDAY, JUNE 23, 1996
Yesterday we went over to see his parents. Mary was there, too. Tom mowed and I vacuumed and Ma gave Tom $20 and me $10. With it, I got 3 new pairs of underwear. Mary gave Tom $85 for working on her car.

FRIDAY, JUNE 21, 1996
I now only have about 11 envelopes left, so that’s good. I’m really pushing it and straining to think of new ideas to meet the deadline.

Still quiet next door. What did I do to get so blessed and lucky? Anyway, it looks like the guy traded in his red sports car for a Blazer and that she doesn’t have a car now. Tom saw that old guy bring her home yesterday. Out of the total of about 8 cars that I’ve seen there, I’ve only seen 1 lately. I just hope they don’t make up for their peacefulness with a weekend party.

I asked Tom if he found out a secret about my family and he said no. He also said that when I knew what the secret was, it’d make me happy. I know he likes to play the instill-patience-in-Jodi game, but I really think he is full of shit and that there is no secret. I’m getting more sure of that.

We have things we tease each other with and one of the things he says to me in a teasing way is how he gives into everything I want. I don’t think that’s very funny and I also think it’s rather insensitive. I gave up the idea of trying to see if I had a shot at having a kid with him for him. Action-wise, he said no to a kid, yet I’m still here and that’s a big thing to get your way with, which he did, even though I may not want a kid as much these days.

Speaking of the subject, I saw a true documentary about a guy who killed three 8-year-old boys, then had a son himself, upon going to trial and getting convicted. Once again, how can anyone say God doesn’t make mistakes? The bulk of this world’s parents are animals. What did God say to this monster? He must’ve said, “Good for you! You killed 3 little boys, so now here’s a little boy of your own.”

Sick. Really sick.

From now on, I’m not gonna mention when I get my periods to Tom cuz I want to how much of it is God or Tom that makes sure we don’t have sex 14 days after my period. I think it’s both, but why? It’s just so ridiculous and such a waste of time for God or Tom to count the days when there’s no danger of my becoming pregnant. If Tom really wanted to know, though, he could just keep track of my female supplies and he’d also see pad and tampon wrappers in the bathroom pail.

Well, I think that’s it for now. I don’t think I’ve forgotten to mention anything else as nothing else has really been going on, but what else is new?

His parents are still pretty much the same, but I guess that’s better than if they were doing worse.

One of my birds is in the window watching me type. Yes, I’m typing some of this stuff up first, then I’ll copy it into my paper journal. The only time I usually type is if I have lots of stuff to tell about, so who knows why I chose to type this time. Getting used to it, I guess.

I’ve been kind of tired on and off all day today which is a mystery. I slept long enough. At least I think I did. So, I think I’m gonna go veg out, be lazy and just relax till I crash. I’ve been up for about 12 hours, anyhow.

THURSDAY, JUNE 20, 1996
I just did tons of cleaning around here and now all I have left to do is vacuum the bedrooms and the bathroom. Of course, I have to use the hose until we get a new brush for the upright. The kitchen floor could still use a good mopping but the counter and appliances are clean and every room has been dusted. The living room, kitchen, and back room have been vacuumed.

They’ve been so amazingly quiet next door. I heard someone leave at 10:40 AM, as usual, but they played no music whatsoever.

Andy left a message saying we can have his shower curtain which is pretty. I hope it doesn’t blow all around as some do, cuz ours is old, ugly, and falling apart. I really wish we had shower doors.

Well, I gotta get working on Tom’s envelopes.

Yesterday I finished the book Ma let me borrow which was good.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19, 1996
After I mention a couple of things, I think I’ll be all caught up and will have mentioned the basics.

The only other report I can give is that Tom’s dad isn’t doing too well, as expected and his mom’s arthritis and diabetes are no joy ride either.

Steven is in town, so that’s nice.

I saw a show called Paranormal Borderline and in one segment, there were those doom profits talking. I hope they’re quacks, cuz they’ve already been known to have made deadly accurate predictions.

The segment that really got me was one where a 15-year-old boy was in an accident with his mother. They were in a car when a small plane crashed into the car. The mother pushed him down on the floor of the car. He lived and she died. Years later he married, had kids, and became an alcoholic and a druggie. Regardless of God’s ways of helping to create parents like that, it was mainly due to his feeling guilty and sad about his mother. So he and his wife went to this guy who claimed to be able to contact the dead. He brought her there so he could tell the guy that his mother didn’t blame him for the accident and that she loved him and all that stuff. Supposedly he also told them stuff about them that he couldn’t have known. The thing that got me was how he was saying spirits can and do interfere with electrical stuff like TVs, phones, radios, and more. This is what I’ve been trying to tell Tom, but he feels that spirits can’t influence the physical world, but that they might be able to influence a person’s personal being.

I can’t wait to show him this show and see what he thinks.

The other thing is that we had great sex earlier. Tom said we’re progressing really fast. True. It does seem that way, but will it last long? And where will we progress to? Will he still ever get off at least every few times and have me really feeling like a “whole and fulfilling and fulfilled woman?”

Do I still believe he’s scared or has something wrong with him? Yeah, I’d say one of these is the case and that the first one’s the most likely, but he did have me wondering for a minute there. I guess the best thing I can do, which I’m learning to do, is just believe what I believe and deal with it and then maybe, just maybe, as much as I doubt it, he’ll prove me wrong at least once.

Now I really understand why Brenda and Kasey were the way they were. Always horny. It feels so good to be at my peak, though, and to have blossomed so much sexually and to have him in the mood more often. Sometimes I still don’t get sex enough, but at least I don’t feel that constant feeling of being sexually starved and deprived.

What I was able to do was go on top of him. I could before, a few times, but it didn’t really work out. The angle was off and I just couldn’t always get him in there and keep him in there. After he got me off in our sideways position, though, it was a piece of cake due to my being opened up and lubricated really well. It felt so good to my clit too. Especially since my pussy’s just about bald, so I could feel it really well. If I were really horny, I could probably get off that way. Tom really loved it and said I made his night and I only hope he didn’t finish what I started when he went to bed.

Yes, spontaneity is just as great as thought-out plans and it’s great that we have so much more variety. In the past, it was usually just his going down on me and our sideways position that we had to choose from. It’s great that he’s been patient enough with me to teach me angles, speed, etc. It eases that abnormal feeling of mine.

If he came every few times or so, that’d still be fine with me, cuz I know a good build-up is always almost as good as a good orgasm.

Women will always be more attractive to me from an overall, clothed point of view, but now, I can’t imagine ever living without Tom’s dick as part of my sex life, any more than I can imagine living without him. I really, really do love this man and realize just how blessed I am. I also know that I’ve sounded really hard on him, and whether or not I have just cause to be with a few issues, I know I want to be with him forever and I know that throwing him away over a few bad things would be stupid when there are a million wonderful things about him. I’d never find another person like him in another guy or woman. I’d rather be alone, or better yet die than be without him. Yes, if he ever comes out and tells me he never wanted a kid or still never came, whether I knew why for sure or not, I’ll still be here.

I asked him if that was the secret (my going on top). I thought that maybe he just knew somehow, that it was time now and that the time was right when I was ready to be able to do this, but he said no, that’s not the secret.

Would I feel like there was nothing left to strive for if he did cum? No, cuz we’ve developed enough sexually to have the fun last us a lifetime and still be exciting and now there’s more variety for us to choose from instead of just oral or sideways and we can always still experiment and try new stuff.

I’m on my 6th envelope for Tom, so hopefully I can get cracking on those and have all 20 of them done by his birthday.

TUESDAY, JUNE 18, 1996
I’ve got 4 of Tom’s envelopes done and I’ve got 15 more to go. I’ve got 5 done actually.

No, I haven’t gotten any more clues about this little secret of Tom’s. I’m pretty sure it’s a surprise trip.

Tom showed me another way to turn the pool light on, so I swam earlier.

When I got up today I was hotter than hell, so I went out for a quick dip in the pool. Meanwhile, the birds were pretty frantic and desperate for food. They’re so impatient now. They dive on top of their food bucket before I can reach it and peck impatiently at my hand. I wave firmly at them to try to shoo them away, but that doesn’t work and of course, I don’t want to swat them. Then they follow me to the edge of the pool as I dive in.

I do have more to write about, but first, I want to see if I can request that song of Linda’s.

Later…

Why the fuck does the words I’ve added to the computer dictionary keep disappearing? If Tom isn’t playing games with me then what is? I didn’t mean to add Gloria’s name with a small g and now I can’t figure out how to get into the dictionary to delete it.

I evicted Tom from my directory. My directory’s getting quite big, so I asked Tom if I could kick him out and he showed me how to.

This is weird, but K-LITE says they don’t do requests. Since when does a radio station not do requests?

Here’s another weird thing. Next door’s been gone all day. They haven’t been there since at least 4 PM till now. I never heard them come home last night and I always know when they come home. Fine, though.

Yesterday I asked Tom if the secret was a one-shot deal that only happens once, when and if it does, or if it’s an on-and-off thing, or if it’s for always. He said he doesn’t know. I still hope to hell this has nothing to do with cumming or a kid which isn’t gonna happen. He did say, though, that he found out about this secret, so it can’t be sex or kid-related. I think he found out about something pertaining to a trip. I had asked him if a secret, in his book, meant that he was told something or heard something or if it was an instinct thing, or if it was a thought-out plan of his that he intended to carry out. That’s when he said it was something he found out.

Next, I should ask him what my reaction to the secret will be, in his opinion, but then again, what’s the point? He’ll tell me whatever it’s all about soon enough unless he’s bullshitting me.

Now I’m gonna go make some pork chops since it’s cooler to cook at this hour, and then watch the tube.

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 1996
Wow! Been married for two years as of yesterday.

Yesterday and today sure have been busy days. I got up yesterday at around 1 PM and Tom was already at his parents’. When I first got up, I headed for my coffee and cigarettes, like I usually do. Then I got a bad feeling about next door. I asked myself, why do you have a bad feeling about them now? It’s early on a weekday.

Then, sure enough, I heard and saw a black girl, about 10 years old, playing ball. Only for 10 minutes, but what did they do? Call their friends and tell them to come over all the time just to piss me off cuz they’re like most people are and that’s opposite doers? If I’d written them a note asking them to be even wilder, they’d be quiet as all hell, I’d bet.

We were out for 6 hours, but I’m sure it was crazier than hell around here while we were gone. If not, it was only cuz God knew I wouldn’t be here. We took off to his parents’ house at around 2 PM yesterday and we returned shortly before 9 PM.

They were obviously watching the game, and at the end of it, one of the freeloaders went out back and screamed something for a couple of minutes, then I heard visitors leave at 10 PM. It seems like there are at least 5 kids and 5 other adults that they’ve got coming around regularly.

Let me back up now to the events at his folk’s house. We cleared all the stuff out of the sewing room and that’s where they came and set up a hospital bed for Dad. While we were waiting for the bed, I browsed through some of Ma’s paperbacks and found one to read that I’m borrowing.

The fucking freeloaders came blasting in just now. Can’t they ever drive in without anyone knowing it? What selfish, rude, ignorant, and obnoxious assholes! Totally desperate for attention.

Anyway, Dad came home with Mom and Mary as the guy was setting up the bed. Then the respiratory therapist came and set up his oxygen. He was tired and in some pain, but very happy to be home.

Mary went and got us stuff to eat and Dad’s prescriptions and then Ma showed me a pretty funny letter from her niece in Michigan. She said every paragraph was “HA!” Sure enough, all throughout the letter, I counted 16 HAs. It was weird.

Later…

I decided that Tom should have some of that money we agreed on me having to get him something he wants for our anniversary and his birthday, cuz that was only fair since I don’t have the means to surprise him with a gift. So, he’s probably gonna get underwear and he also says he’d really like the envelopes I’m drawing up for him. The envelopes are no surprise to him, but that’s what he really wants and that’s what matters.

Last night I was really worried that I’d end up sleeping all day today, but Robin came and said don’t worry about my schedule, don’t worry about next door for the weekend, they’ll still hardly ever be noticeable and I’ll still be pregnant soon. So far, she’s been right. Except for that bassy entrance, we haven’t heard a peep out of them all day. There aren’t even any lights on over there now, which is surprising.

I got up at 2 PM today, and then we went to the art store where I got an absolutely gorgeous journal, which will be my next, and those 3 pens I’ve wanted.

Then we got Chinese food for me and he got Arby’s. We came home, ate, and went swimming. There sure were more duties on that patio than I’ve ever seen before! Measles did something new. I was reaching a handful of seeds out to her and she jumped onto my hand and ate the seeds.

Tom told me that he doesn’t believe in praying for things we want. He believes in praying for things we need. That’s an interesting belief, whether God will or won’t answer prayers for stuff we need.

I told him today that I figured out his secret. I figured that he was gonna tell me that he really has been waiting all along to cum till we’re in a new house. I told him he dropped hints, cuz when he was talking about what he’d do with a 7-bedroom house, he said one would be for the nursery. Not the kid. Then he nodded when I said something to the effect of how he just says I’ll be pregnant by September to cheer me up and cuz it’s what I’d want to hear. Then he said he didn’t know if we’d have a kid in this house or the next, before saying I’d be pregnant by September.

Then I started to get pretty pissed when he said he wasn’t gonna tell me the secret cuz of how pushy I was about it. If he’s got a secret, it’s my right to know, and I hate how this guy plays with my head! So, I told him he could play with my head about the kid, I’m used to it and I know it makes him happy, but not with anything else. So then he said that it’s no secret cuz he knows it’s gonna happen, it’s 1 precise thing, I’ll know it when it happens and that it’ll happen for sure, no ifs, ands or buts, anytime from now till my 31st birthday.

Oh, don’t tell me this about the kid! We’ve been down this road before where he’s said during a certain timeframe, he was 100% sure I’d be pregnant and it was all bullshit. Why must he do this same old shit over and over? Isn’t it old? Doesn’t he ever get sick of it? Jesus!

He said it has nothing to do with either of our families, it’s not at all job-related and it’s one thing. If he isn’t playing a game, then I’d say it has to do with a trip we’re gonna go on. I don’t see how in hell it could have to do with moving. I know it can’t have to do with a kid and if it does in his mind, it’s bullshit. Maybe he lied to throw me off when he said it wasn’t family-related and someone was coming out to see us.

I was wondering if he was gonna tell me he read all my journals, but that was a long shot. Meaning, that’s something I can’t picture him telling me, even if he has read them.

I’ll bet he’s gonna insist he’s cum when he hasn’t and say that that was the secret. That could be it, but he knows that won’t work on me. I won’t fall for that, but if he really wants to insist on something that’s full of shit, he will. That would be his perfect way out of the doctor’s appointment, not that I care to go. Doesn’t he realize, though, that if he did that I may say, “Well, why don’t I go to a doctor, get checked out, and see if there’s anything wrong with me?”

If I were dumb enough to fall for it of course. Then he might be thinking, oh, no. They’re gonna maybe tell her she’s OK, want to examine me, see that I’m fine and then she’ll really know the truth. Not that I wouldn’t anyway, like with that fake orgasm in ‘93.

Still, today was a great second anniversary for us.

Later…

After we swam in the company of the birds, we played around. I got him going by hand, then he went in me in our sideways position, then he got up top, ran out of gas 3 or 4 minutes later, then finished me up by going down on me. Of course, missionary position wouldn’t help him, like he said it would and so many other things would, but his running out of gas isn’t just cuz of fear. He’s like me, understandably, in the way that he’s not motivated to work out and stick to it. I may be more fit than he is, but like me, he hasn’t been able to stick to any exercise program yet. I don’t think he’d ever want to or do so if he could. I think he’d rather stay the way he is than get more fit and be able to go in missionary position longer and end up losing it.

Anyway, I saw a really good movie just now. A predictable one, but it’s a kind I’ve always liked. The guy loves the woman, kills her friends, then moves in on her. Then she finds out what he’s really about and they battle it out till she wins and kills him.

At the art store, we saw a book-making kit. One was for $20 and you could make 2 or 3 books. One had brown paper to use for a cover, then a boring fabric, and I think it also had some other kind of paper. It looked pretty neat, though, with the paper bound and stitched with no cover. It was 160 pages, I believe and it had no lines. We still want to try making one of our own sometime with our own designs for covers. A kit would be more costly, but in the end, it may be cheaper if there’s a number for a supplier enclosed. We also may be able to find suppliers through AOL.

Tom says we’ll be moved by the turn of the century, but I don’t know. He’s like he is with the kid with that. Every few months we might be able to move soon, as well as that I’ll be pregnant soon. Things always take either way longer than you anticipated or they never happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were still here in the year 2005.

I abandoned the music room since it’s the smallest room in the house that echoes and brings in next door’s bullshit just beautifully. The only reason I’ll use that room now is to listen to music since my stereo’s still in there. Also, my bookcase of journals is still in there. Other than that, I don’t intend to hang out in that room. I’ve moved my table that I write and draw and do whatever on back into the master bedroom in the same spot it was before. I had had the vanity in there all this time and now that’s in the music room where my table was. Tom can sleep through me working in there and doesn’t mind at all. Thank God he’s so easy-going and flexible and tolerable and adaptable like he is.

Boy, have I got to clean this place as soon as I can. Gotta dust, vacuum, and clean the kitchen.

I haven’t checked my email yet, so I’ll go do that soon, too.

Later…

I forgot to mention that Tom and I discussed putting up the same acoustic sound blockers in the music room and living room that’s in the bedroom.

Got a letter from Kim today. She says she’ll be calling me about my Bob idea. She also sent me a couple of boring Bob letters. I told her she can just ditch any boring ones and then highlight or circle any of his rare funny lines and send those to me. Bob didn’t mention to her that my letters were rather strange, so that’s nice.

Tom’s out now fixing Mary’s car. Once again, this is very nice of him, but I wish he’d take care of stuff around here before taking care of other people’s stuff. The lawn needs mowing and what about all the stuff he promised to make me this year as part of his New Year’s resolution? Why is it that he keeps his word to others when he says he’s gonna do something for them, but he won’t keep his word for his wife?

Today I de-dutied the patio, which Tom said he was gonna do every weekend. I don’t mind doing it, but I’m not as patient about it as he is. Also, it’s kind of hard to do at times when a certain area of the patio floods. So I have to wait for that to dry up a bit before doing more of it. The birds are so brave. They come right up to where I’m hosing down the patio. They only fly away when I spray them, but only a few feet above the spray, and then they return.

This morning Tom dried a load of laundry, so when I got up later, I went and got it and put it away. Then I washed the sheets and a few towels and hung those out on the line. Then I made the bed and that’s pretty much all I’ve done for the most part, but during the week I intend to fully clean this house. It’s filthy.

Later…

I just talked to Tom who says he’s got Mary’s car narrowed down to a few possibilities as to what the problem may be. He’ll be home in about half an hour.

I heard next door just come in, as always, but to my utter amazement, they came in pretty mildly. Now next door all I have to do is hope the next few hours are quiet. So far, Robin’s been right on their being quiet, so I’ll give her that much.

Later…

I realize that I was being rather hard on Tom about Mary’s car and perhaps a bit selfish and unfair too. Working on Mary’s car is a good way for Tom to spend time with Dad and they both love to talk about cars. Tom said he grew up with his dad fixing cars and that he taught Tom all he knows about cars.

We screwed this morning, but he got sick and had to stop after going on top cuz he ate right before screwing. Always an excuse or problem. Funny how he was really close this morning and how he happened to get sick as soon as we changed to the missionary position. I don’t know what the truth really is, but I don’t know if I care anymore either. He told me more about the secret, whether it’s true or not. He says I’ll notice it as it happens but won’t know that that was the secret till he tells me. It has nothing to do with the house. He’s the only one who knows about it. It’s something he found out. Thank God he said it’s something he found out, cuz now I know he’s not playing more sex and baby games. He denied it had anything to do with Robin, but he’s never denied a trip. I think that’s it. The reason why I know it’s not about sex/kid is cuz he wouldn’t “find out” anything about it. He’s never gonna care to check into his problem, whether it’s mental or physical, and I still really believe he’s holding back. He already admitted he’s holding back now in an indirect way (he always has one reason after another to hold back anyway). I told him I was gonna hold off on stuff I want (he knew what I meant), cuz his dad needs him. He thanked me, but of course, it’s his own willpower that holds him back. Then he says this stuff with his dad won’t be going on much longer. Yes, it will. And when it’s over, there’ll be something else.

He also admitted he realizes he shouldn’t tease me with certain things and he says he’s gonna work on it. That’s nice, but I can’t believe a guy as smart as he is, didn’t know any better than to go teasing someone about having a kid.

THURSDAY, JUNE 13, 1996
I begin writing this with one of my birds watching me through the window. It’s so windy out there today and I hope that nest holds up OK. So far, so good.

I might not have time to get into why I got to thinking last night and ended up furious at my parents, but I will soon enough.

I talked to Andy a short while ago and he said I might be able to get that song Dreams to Dream by Linda from a station called K-LITE. I’ll go try soon.

Tonight Andy and I will be calling this live message and chat line to play with horny men’s minds and we might even send them next door here. That ought to surprise those freeloaders.

Speaking of those freeloaders, yesterday at around 7:30, there were 2 or 3 cars there and I heard ball-bouncing start up. I also saw 3 freeloaders chatting out back. I said to myself, oh shit, they’re gonna party till 10:00 or later. But they didn’t chat long and remained quiet. The ball bouncing didn’t last long at all either. They just better stay quiet this weekend!

I have to see Dr. Nielson today and I’m sure all will be OK with that. Hopefully, we’ll be in and out of there and the waiting room won’t be rowdy. It usually isn’t rowdy.

Tom’s taking sick days off today and tomorrow as he is emotionally and physically exhausted. He’s over fixing Mary’s car right now which is very kind and generous of him, but I hope he’ll take care of himself more and not worry so much about other people’s needs.

Got an anniversary card today from my parents with $35 of cash in it. That’s what Tammy said she and Bill got for their anniversary, too.

Later…

Just came back from seeing Dr. Nielsen. All’s fine with the ear. He just cleaned out a few flakes of dead skin and some wax. I don’t have to see him till December 12th.

Tom spent the money we got for our anniversary that his parents sent on what he wanted, and we’ve agreed to spend the money from my parents on what I want. I wanted to stop at the art store so bad after Nielsen’s, but it was closed. So I guess we’ll go back tomorrow.

The reason why I got furious after thinking about what my dad said about my so-called down letters, which really is an exaggeration, was cuz of this. I told them the truth and if I can’t be myself and tell them what’s going on, good or bad, then maybe I shouldn’t be writing to them. They just don’t get it. People have their good times and their bad times and if they only want me to write what they want to hear, then I don’t want to write to them. They act like I shouldn’t be upset over the things that are going on. I’d have to be inhuman to not be upset over things that have been going on. Also, they just don’t realize that different people deal with different things differently and they get over different things at their own pace. Maybe they should look at me as a person, instead of their daughter and ask themselves what they see in me. Just someone who writes them “down” letters? Is that all I’ve been to them? Well, they’ve said 3 or 4 times that they were gonna come out here, I honestly can’t see why they haven’t been able to, therefore, I do doubt they love me or care that much for me or my letters and if that’s so, we shouldn’t contact one another.

Everything that’s gone on in life really makes me say, what the fuck? Fuck my dreams and fuck everything. All I care about is Tom. Meanwhile, I don’t want the kid anymore, I don’t want to go to college or work (although I know I’m gonna have to do something with my life), I don’t want to see my family. I just want to keep every day the same as it has been for the last two years. I’d rather be bored than filled with all kinds of hectic and stressful bullshit. I’ve always known what kids will do to people’s bodies, minds, wallets, and relationships, but as I see Tom less able to deal with things that bother me, I know that a kid will surely be the end-all of our marriage. All we’d do is fight like hell over stuff about it and our lives would be the most miserable and non-existent. Anyway, here I go worrying and bitching about something that could never happen, anyhow.

Last night I came into the bedroom to go to bed and I swear that he was already awake. He looked right at me and asked me what was wrong. Guess my fury showed. So I told him what I just wrote about my parents and all I got was, “I’m sorry you feel this way, I’m sure you have reasons to, but you seem even madder about it now, you’ll take it out on me, I don’t understand, etc.”

Gee, that made me really feel like talking to him. And why would I take it out on him? Also, he’s never met or known my parents and he never will, therefore, he couldn’t even understand and I should’ve just kept my mouth shut cuz I don’t think he wants to hear it or deal with it, no matter what’s going on in life.

Now, I know I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, but how do I get out of the appointment next year? I’m sure Tom will be a piece of cake to talk out of it, but the appointment wouldn’t change anything, so I shouldn’t worry. Anyway, I can’t believe he said I’d be spoiled for not having a kid with him. What a fucking joke! Like he’d have a kid with me?

The freeloaders are barbecuing now, and I expect that their company will be arriving soon enough.

Later…

Good news next door. I never heard anything and I guess it’s just one guy over there alone. I saw one guy out barbecuing and that was it. No music or balls or loud conversations. I still have a bad feeling about Saturday and I hope to hell I’m wrong!

After I came home, Tom left shortly after to go work on Mary’s car yet again. So far, he hasn’t had any luck with it. He says he doesn’t want to have to do anything on Saturday, but this I’ve got to see.

When we go to the art store, I’d like to get 2 or 3 journals and 3 different pens. I’ve mentioned those pens and what pen colors I want to get from there the last time I was there at that store. The last time I was there we didn’t have money for journals and I got that fucked up eraser and something else from there. Oh yeah, the stumps.

Well, I guess those freeloaders do have or just did get company. I just heard a kid that sounded about 4 years old. Shit! Damn! Fuck! They’re gonna fucking totally ruin the whole fucking weekend! I don’t know if I mentioned this here, but I told Tom that I think that the reason why they were hardly home and hardly had company is cuz they just now recently got all settled in and got it all decorated. Now, they feel more comfortable about having company over. Now they’re just like most people are out here and like dogs are out here. No people or dogs ever stay inside. They seem to live outside 24/7. I miss the days when they were hardly ever home, but I knew it was just a matter of time.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12, 1996
Well, yesterday’s news about the money explains that feeling I had back around last November that June would be a month where we’d improve financially. It’s hard to believe that we’re about to have all our bills paid up and more, regardless of how we got the money.

When I asked Tom why he was influenced by things I did or said when I thought he was supposed to be a person with a mind of his own like he said, he said that I’d always influence him and he wants it that way cuz he loves me. I think he means that he wants to be influenced in ways he wants to be influenced. But if I were to try to influence him to cum, he won’t, cuz he doesn’t want to be influenced to do that, regardless of what’s going on in our lives.

I think sometimes he knows the meaning of the word love and shows it in so many ways. When it comes to sex and the kid, he seems to have a warped sense of the word. To him, being truly loving is telling me what I want to hear, rather than that he really doesn’t want to be a daddy.

I thought of leaving him and I have wondered if I should cuz most women would, but then I realized something. I have had a problem all my life where I’d think about what most people would do in a certain situation and not what I, as the individual I am, should do. So after asking myself what was best for me, I decided this one bad thing wasn’t worth throwing away the millions of good things about him and that I love him unconditionally. No one’s perfect and that includes me, too. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to sue him and I don’t want to go to a doctor next year to try to make him and push him to do what he doesn’t really want to do.

Yes, I’d have a kid for him if he really wanted one and I never wanted one at all cuz I love him, but no one should or can be forced into having a kid, any more than one can or should bother to try changing people like my mother. Change must begin from inside ourselves, then people can help.

I also asked Tom if he was influenced by my beliefs. I asked him if I disbelieved something that he believed, would he be tempted to prove me wrong or let me be right or neither and he said neither. What do I believe? I guess it depends on how important a certain issue is to him, but sometimes he does seem argumentative and like he’s challenging something I said.

Tom told me some sad, yet funny stories about Dad’s roommate at the hospital. Well, they had to stick him in his own room so that they could monitor him better cuz they caught him one night trying to call 911 cuz there were Indians in his room. Reminds me of crazy Ellie, who’d appear so sweet and normal one minute, then the next minute she’d be furious, hearing the CIA talking to her out of her vents.

Mary’s coworker, whose name is also Mary, has her dad in the hospital for whatever reason and he too, isn’t quite there. At the hospital, he kept insisting that he was at the skating rink and that his name was Julio, instead of Sam, and that he never saw his daughter in all his life. Then he asked the daughter if she was going skating, too.

The pictures asked me if I thought the money was a sign of something. Well, if it is, I can’t see it. There have been some things in life that were signs, meant to be, and for a later purpose or plan that I didn’t see for years after the fact.

I don’t see how it could mean or lead to anything. I can see our bills being paid off and that’s logic, but my vibes don’t see anything like us getting that bed or moving or anything else too extravagant.

They also asked me if I thought it’d make Tom feel more comfortable about having a kid.

No, I highly doubt that. Money may have been one of the factors, but there are lots of other factors. There are several other reasons why he very well could be and probably always has been and will be afraid to have a kid, whether he admits it or not. He describes me as beautiful and skinny, but that would be gone with a child. So would all my attention and so much more that he’d have to deal with or lose.

Only 3 more days left till Saturday. Saturday’s our anniversary, but will next door make it hell on us? Well, he wouldn’t care, but I’d be fuming and ready to kill. Please, God, don’t let them ruin our special day. Oops, better not say that, or else God will make sure our anniversary includes them and their noise.

According to Tom, his family is sorry I feel God hates me but they’re also rather amused by it.

Oh great! So the whole family knows and thinks it’s all one big fucking joke. With all due respect to my mother-in-law whom I otherwise love and care for very much and who I think is a great person, I’m never gonna utter another personal statement of any kind ever again. I told this to Tom, Andy, some of my family members, and Mom, not Mary and God knows how many other people.

We got a $25 check from Mom and Dad S for our anniversary. I wonder if my folks will send cash or a gift? Now, I hope they won’t send cash.

Later…

I did end up talking to my folks just now and told them the latest scoop.

Tom just called and said that it doesn’t look like Dad’s going home today, but maybe tomorrow.

Later…

Tom called again a little while ago. He’s not sure when Dad’s coming home, but he thinks it’ll be soon. Now, he’s at his parents’ house working on Mary’s car which was towed over there yesterday.

I told him of how my dad was lecturing me about how every single letter sounded down and how I live in the past. I said I told him I was sorry if I sounded like a sad and unstable person and I didn’t mean to depress them and that I’m working on not judging the present by the past. I’ve got a damn good idea of what my faults and flaws are, but I didn’t need him lecturing me. They need to let me be myself and accept me as I am. Tom says he just thinks he was trying to cheer me up. I don’t think so, but that all goes back to my parents’ power of persuasion and goodness. Everyone thinks they’re just trying to help and that they’re good people. Well, they are good and helpful people, but sometimes they have an obnoxious way of showing it and I’m getting sicker of them and have less of a desire to see them as time goes on. I’m not suggesting I dump my parents, but I think it’s best I keep my mouth shut with members of my family too, and not write to them as much.

Also, I know this may sound weird and I know that the longer you don’t see a loved one, the more you miss them, but with me, the longer I don’t see them, the less I want to see them. I just don’t want to be bothered with dealing with these people. I find I’m caring less and less about them and their opinions of me. I can handle Larry and seeing Dad alone, but Mom and Dad together is another story as well as Tammy. I know that if Tom and I were with my parents or with Tammy they’re gonna cut me down in front of him and they know he’s not gonna say a word about it. Not to them, anyway. I don’t want to be alone with these people, either.

I have written them plenty of good stuff and I’m sorry if I’ve written the truth, even if it were bad. Like with Tom’s dad. Of course, I know my parents don’t at all sympathize with me for not being able to have a kid but fuck them and what they think. I don’t owe them, or Tammy, or Larry, or anyone else but my husband shit.

I don’t know how I’ll feel in the future and no, I wouldn’t stop any family members from coming out here, but me go to Florida or New England? No fucking way! The way I see it is like this. My brother’s been cool since we’ve been in touch again, my sister and mother are bitches, my dad’s unpredictable, but mostly cool, my aunts and cousins don’t give a shit and my uncles are little bullies and assholes. I don’t need it.

TUESDAY, JUNE 11, 1996
Yesterday Tom noticed a car next door that he’s never seen before, but they were quiet. I get more nervous as the weekend approaches, though.

No new news with his dad. He’s still the same.

I was telling Tammy about it yesterday and she asked how Tom was dealing with it and if I’ve talked to Mom and Dad. She said something about mentioning it to Mom and Dad, but I don’t need them. My husband needs me. Besides, what can they do? I’m not gonna call them when there ain’t shit they can do for us and I’m gonna be bitched out for calling twice a month. I’m feeling less and less like writing to them as much or even talking to them. I guess it’s just that I haven’t seen much of them since I was 15 and they’re not necessarily my type of people to know or to chat with.

Andy left a message saying I just had to hear his outgoing messages. He starts off saying, “We silly people can’t come to the phone now, so leave a message,” then there was me laughing from the edits. If Judy calls and leaves a message, she may be confused when she hears me and think that the “we” living there is Andy and I and not Andy and Laura.

Yesterday I drew that postcard my mother had sent with the cat on the piano reading music. The cat came out great, but the piano keys were a little peculiar. I didn’t feel like copying all that music, so I stuck a fishbowl in place of it.

Later…

I was watching Little House. This episode was all about broken promises and how the more someone loves you, the less they’re able to keep their promises cuz they want to promise you things that’ll make you happy. Well, Tom really does love me very much.

Last night he said we could move if we really had to and that we would find ways to move if we had to. How, though? The only way I can think of that would enable us to move would be if one of our parents gave us the money.

He said last night he wants a 7-bedroom house. That way we can have a work computer room, a play computer room, an electronics room, music room, a journal room, our room, then the nursery.

Why does he still joke about something that once meant so much to me? I guess he really does want to say things that make me happy and I’m sure that even when I’m 50 or 60, he’ll still be telling me we’re gonna have a kid. The thing that amazes me is how he still says it as if I’ll believe him and not know better. Another thing is, how he says he’s 100% sure we’ll have a kid with such certainty and confidence. Like I said, though, I don’t think I’ll ever know if he’s a great actor when he says this, a total liar, or if he has a problem he thinks will cure itself, or if he has a problem he’s in denial about, or if he plain old just thinks he wants a kid and doesn’t know that his subconscious is saying, “No! I don’t want a kid and I’m too scared to have one.”

There’s still a chance that he could’ve had a time frame in mind all along as to when he’d let himself start cumming, due to his matter-of-fact, certain, and confident way he says we’ll be having a kid, but like I said, I’ll probably never know for sure what his true reasons were for us never having a kid and I doubt it’s the last theory I wrote just now.

Still, to a DES person, the truth will never matter, except to settle my curiosity. I think both God and Tom, though, like the idea of me having to wonder about something. I’m also on my way to being an atheist, too, since any time I’ve really ever prayed didn’t help. It was like I might as well have just been talking to a wall. With all the sick and unfair things on top of that which happen in this world, it’s nearly impossible to believe in God at all, let alone have faith in him.

Later…

I couldn’t bring my lazy ass to draw or clean today, but I did other things. I sang, typed up more of Andy’s journal after writing in it, and did a few other things.

I’m still determined to get a job, if I can’t get some nice career ever, once Tom has the time to take me places.

Tom mentioned taking a sick day at the end of the week to catch up on his sleep. I’ve been encouraging him to use them, instead of pretending we’re gonna have a kid and need them for that. I think sometimes he gets reality and fantasy confused.

There are a couple of things I don’t get. First of all, for the last two days my stomach’s been better, so who knows for sure what it was. If it’s a pulled or torn muscle, though, wouldn’t having a kid make it worse, or create more torn and pulled muscles for a person? I wonder if my stomach pain could’ve been ovulation due to the times I felt it and Tom said he’s heard some women can feel it. But that strongly? And why only since 1992 and not when I first got my periods? And why the bulge in that area?

There’s something else I don’t get about that contradicting husband of mine who says it’s not my fault that he doesn’t cum, then who goes and tells me all the reasons and things I do that turn him off from cumming. He claims he’s got a mind of his own and that other people don’t and can’t control or influence his actions, so then why does he say we’d have sex more often if I had better behavior during mid-cycle? Why does he let what I say or do influence him if he really wants sex? No doubt he’s using me as an excuse for his own fears.

Anyway, I’m so bored right now and I really need a job. Since I can’t have one right now, I’ll have to try to get myself into doing something around here. I wish Tom were home. I also wish I could get him to tell me what this big secret is or that there never was a secret and that it was just another one of his games.

I should really enjoy these quiet, peaceful, moments full of freedom. You see, I know that if we had had a kid, I’d be longing for these days of freedom back and wishing I could trade the hectic craziness for being bored and having my husband all to myself. I know I don’t always get to see him as much as I’d like to, but with a kid, it’d be much worse. As soon as we’d find time together, the kid would either cry or come barging in on us with something it needed.

Later…

I’m still so fucking bored! Tom should be here any minute. He called from his parents’ house and they said there was a chance Dad would be going home tomorrow.

Later…

Tom’s home now and the only really good news is that our financial problems will be over with eventually. Dad’s leaving each of the kids at least $5,000 when he goes.

As far as dad, who knows? We all only hope he doesn’t suffer when he goes.

MONDAY, JUNE 10, 1996
I’m back, after having some pizza and going for a swim.

I hope next door’s not gang-related or associated with someone who is. That’s all we’d need is for someone to do a little drive-by shooting routine aimed at them, and get us by mistake. I haven’t seen any signs that are gang-associated, though, so I guess there’s no point in worrying.

Yesterday when Tom went to see Dad, he wondered if he was ever gonna be coming home again. Yeah, I kind of wondered that myself before he came back and told me so. He’s gonna stop by there after work and he’ll be calling me from there or from his parents’ house to let me know the scoop.

I just remembered that Tom said that he would be embarrassed, if they came here to the house, to let Goldie and Al see that we had separate bedrooms at the time. Then why wouldn’t he be embarrassed to go to a doctor, even though he says he wouldn’t be?

Later…

The kids are out screaming now due to it suddenly cooling down. It went from hot and sunny to warm and cloudy as I was de-dutying the patio.

I talked to Tammy and filled her in on life out here. She says she hasn’t gotten her messages since after Dad left cuz she’s been busy with the kids and work, but mainly with the kids. This is where I really wonder if I want to throw my life away on a kid. Still, if Tom were really serious about a kid, I’d have one for him even if I were against the idea of a kid all the time, cuz I love him that much.

Tammy’s gonna have tons of messages from me when she gets online.

I have a new Bob idea. I called Kim to tell her about it after not being able to think of one for so long, but she had to split for Springfield. So, I told her to hang up and I’d tell her all about it on her machine. The idea is for her to tell Bob I’ve died, by whatever cause, then two weeks later I’ll write to him as if nothing were ever wrong and Kim will deny saying I died or ever knowing anything about it.

Later…

I guess the kids have moved to the front once again. I just went out to feed the birds and there wasn’t a sound. Then when I went to get the mail, there was a magazine that couldn’t fit through the mail slot, and I saw kids out front. Great, if they’re back out there to stay, but I doubt it. Not with those monkey bars. This winter is gonna be bad. I can sense it now. Next door, two houses down, and whoever else, is gonna really drive me batty.

There was a message from Andy. He was reading my Myst journal I gave him a while back and it started off about people being pregnant. He said he was so sorry he said that and that that page is what he happened to turn to when the machine picked up.

Yeah, I believe that, and like God didn’t plan it that way? I told Andy, though, not to worry. I’ve known all my life that a kid wasn’t in my cards. So anything I hear about it isn’t gonna change that. At least he thought about it and thought to ask about Tom’s dad. He said he had had good vibes about Tom’s dad too, but now, who knows?

SUNDAY, JUNE 9, 1996
Well, I’ve been here 4 years today and on this 4th anniversary of being here in Arizona, I must say that yesterday turned out to be a very shitty day. Shortly after the last time I wrote, the freeloaders ended up having a hell of a party for at least 8 hours and there were at least 5 adults and 2 kids. I didn’t hear much in the way of music, but they were screaming at the top of their lungs and bouncing balls on and off like you wouldn’t believe. They were all along the wall that divides our houses. They were in the back, they were at the side, they were in front.

They had their lawn done around 1 something, then started partying around 2:00 or 3:00. We went to bed around 10:00 and they were still partying.

Tom thinks that on weekends they go to play basketball at some gym, and then they go to one of their houses. He also thinks that yesterday was a special occasion, like someone’s birthday or anniversary. It looks like they got a grill now, too, and how the hell they could stand this heat, beats me.

This is the second time in only 3 months that there was an outburst over there and it better not get more frequent or I’ll go over there and set them straight so fucking fast that they won’t even know what hit them. If they want to party and make noise, fine, but it’s not gonna come into this household in any way shape or form.

When we went out to swim, Tom said not to antagonize them by screaming back. But what gives them the right to antagonize me? Anyway, this morning I said to myself, fuck the wanting to listen to music or sing in privacy and I blasted my music for a good 20 minutes to a half-hour like I usually do once or twice a day, depending on my schedule. The only time I won’t make any noise is at night cuz they don’t. Meanwhile, I don’t owe them nothing. Between them and O.J. Simpson, I’m starting to not be very fond of blacks, even though I know there are plenty of good ones as well as bad just like with whites and everyone else. Why do blacks always have to be so loud and obnoxious? I mean, even the adults were carrying on like they were flying on drugs or something. They want to be accepted into society, but then they carry on like animals. Any type of person who wants to be accepted in this world, shouldn’t act like wild assholes unless they don’t give a shit, and obviously, they don’t. They’re just like everyone else who’s self-centered and who just doesn’t give a damn about those around them. They couldn’t just say to themselves, “OK, we’ll be friendly and considerate neighbors since those around us were here first. Keeping our noise for our ears only isn’t too much to ask for.”

Tom says that he’s sure it’ll be a very rare thing with them cuz if they liked company so much, they’d have had more parties. Maybe they didn’t have time for parties before, but, I’m not gonna give them a choice, but to shut up should they turn into neighbors like that butch was at the Vista Ventana. She started off quiet, only to raise holy hell a few months later. Well, not these people! My days of dealing with other people’s noise are over unless it is infrequent, and we’ll see about that. So far, I haven’t heard them, but it’s still early. Tom says that if they were to make this a constant habit, the people next to them on the other side would complain cuz they have small children, and no one wants to deal with a kid who hasn’t had their sleep (they’re lucky we don’t have a baby!). Anyway, there’s no way in hell they’d complain cuz they didn’t when that band used to play 2 or 3 times a week across the street. Also, if they can deal with their kids screaming and those dogs barking at all hours and sleep through that, then they weren’t the least bit bothered by the freeloader’s antics yesterday.

Just when I thought I couldn’t be more convinced that Robin’s a liar and that God hates me, well, I am. Barely halfway through their little fiesta next door, Robin came to me and told me that it’d be a very uncommon occurrence, it’d be over in about an hour, and that I’ll still be pregnant by September 1st for sure.

As far as God goes, well, I swear that he goes and does the opposite of what I pray for. That doesn’t mean that he’ll allow me a kid if I were to pray for him to prevent that, but I prayed for him to at least simmer them down next door, but then it got worse. Dad gets worse every time I pray for him and if I pray for anything positive to happen in the way of sex, there’s always a problem or a fight about it.

Speaking of sex, true to what I figured he’d do, he laid down in bed with me, making me think we’d screw, but he wasn’t in the mood. How convenient. Then he contradicts himself and says that I behave not too coolly when I’m mid-cycle and that if I did, we’d have sex more often and when I was mid-cycle. Then why did he accept my apology for saying those things I never meant to say and say it was over with and that we could move on? And he says he’s not punishing me for talking about a subject that turns him off? Could’ve fooled me. How can he say I can’t control him and that I’m not to blame? He does let what I say control him and he does blame me. It’s my fault if I mention being mid-cycle or having a kid, cuz it turns him off and he blames me for this. I’m so sick of all these things I have to do to get sex more often and I’m so sick of these things I have to do that he says will make him cum. It’s all just fucking bullshit! All he wants to do is avoid me during mid-cycle, cuz he doesn’t want to take the one in billions of chances there are in getting me pregnant, cuz he doesn’t want a kid, tease me about it, say I don’t control his thoughts or feelings and that I’m not to blame, while he then says or implies otherwise, make up these bullshit things that’ll help him while he laughs when they don’t cuz he knows they won’t, loves to see me feel like a failure who’s not good enough sexually, then gets all turned off while making me feel like I have to “earn” sex from him while other things are way more important to him. I’ve never met anyone like him who’s so scared of sex and a kid and who’s so contradicting, confused, cruel, a liar, and such a tease.

Later…

We screwed around an hour ago and it was pretty predictable. He started off in our sideways position for way longer than I would’ve liked (yeah, he’s way eager to do missionary position and get in shape for it and make this kid). Then he went on top and what happened about 5 minutes later? The daily excuse. This time it was that we couldn’t screw on the bed sideways cuz his arms and feet were hanging off the bed. Well, if I really was that horny and wanted to get off that bad, I’d just deal with it.

I feel the same way about him as I feel about myself. Different is good and OK, but must we both be so different? It’s the same old shit. Something I said, he’s tired, he’s sore, he’s sick, he’s busy. I know I may sound selfish saying this now cuz of his dad, but it’s been this way always.

He told me that he dreams of solutions to problems in his sleep. Stuff like computer problems and other problems. I asked if he ever dreamt about solutions to our sex life in his sleep and he said there’s nothing broken between us. True. Unless I’m broke cuz of the DES, any guy who refuses to cum, isn’t broke. Not physically, anyway. I just can’t believe, after all, that he’s got a type of impotence like Tammy said. He’s not as insensitive as Bill is. Meaning, he cries if he needs to, so if he had a physical problem, he wouldn’t be afraid to go to a doctor. At least, I don’t think he would be.

Tom said this morning that he thought there was a chance that the pain I’ve been having in my lower right gut is a pulled muscle. I don’t know. I keep going back and forth from thinking I could have an infection, to it being gas and then to his idea. He told me that around 1973 or 1974, he had the same problem in one of the lower sides of his gut that he thinks was a pulled, weak, or hurt muscle till around 1977. He said that when he was in the Air Force, they made him exercise every day and it seemed to strengthen it. Yeah, I know I should push myself to do more exercises more often, but it’s so very hard.

We went swimming earlier and it was great and lots of fun. There were a few bees Tom had to protect me from and scare off, but there were no dogs, kids, or freeloaders. The birds were out and about, of course, and they’d still get their drinks from the pool. What Tom said was true. What more could the birds want when they’ve got food and drinks here as well as attention? This is the perfect home for them. They let me pat them here and there nowadays and they have no patience when I go to feed them. I lift the cover up and stick my arm in the bucket to reach for some seed and they jump on the cover before I pull my arm back out. In the pool, Tom was asking me why this certain one’s tail was shaking like a leaf. I said they do that sometimes, but that maybe Nervous was reincarnated into that bird, and that that was why it was so shaky and appeared to be a bundle of nerves.

Andy left a message saying Linda’s got a new album out now called Dedicated to the One I Love. Andy says she’s holding the baby she adopted on the cover of it. I didn’t know she adopted another kid. I thought she adopted one that’d be between 10-15 now. Anyway, the review of it was shitty. They describe it as a boring album that’ll put you to sleep. Yeah, I believe that these days.

I haven’t been to the library lately, and I just can’t get into these romance novels. I want to find a good haunting book like John Saul’s to sink into. I don’t know, though, if we’ll have time for quite a while to go to the library.

Tom went to the hospital again to see his dad. He left this morning at around 9:00 and he took off just over an hour ago. I hope that Dad’s condition will improve since I haven’t been asking God to help him.

Tom said his mom was shocked that during our visit yesterday I said I thought God hated me. The subject came up and she asked me. Not directly, but close enough. I had no idea she was telling Tom and others what I was saying to her and now I’ve got to watch out and clam up. I didn’t think she was the kind and she’s so accepting of me and all kinds of people, be it Mexicans, Jews, gays, hyper people, etc. She’s obviously not saying, “Oh, we talked about this and that.” She’s reciting everything I say in complete detail!

Later, I’ve got two movies taped that I may check out. Or parts of them, anyway. I checked the TV guide up to 11:00 so far and there doesn’t seem to be anything too exciting on, so I’ll be doing puzzles or something else tonight if I don’t get tied up with whatever else.

Also, if Tom isn’t playing a joke on me, there are words that I’ve added to the computer dictionary that have been there a while that seem to magically fall out of the dictionary and I have to re-add them.

SATURDAY, JUNE 8, 1996
I felt better last night and this morning, so I did end up going to Ma’s, and then to see Dad at the hospital.

I fell asleep around midnight with no problems, then got up at 6:30. Of course, Tom was tired and didn’t even touch me. We left at 8:00 and went to Ma’s, but we didn’t go to the hospital till 10:00.

When we got there, we ended up cleaning and doing car work. Mom and Dad have two cars and Tom was gonna take one to get a part he needed for one of their hoses. It’s called a splitter. Anyway, when we went to leave, the car wouldn’t start. There was corrosion on the battery. So we put baking soda on it, wet it down and it bubbled away the corrosion. Then the battery died, so we had to jump-start it. Then there was something wrong with the gear. It would not shift, so Tom took care of that.

Then he took off for the hardware store while I dusted and Ma did a little cleaning in the bathroom. I never saw so much dust in one house! No wonder they can’t breathe. There were cobwebs on the stuff near the bed. I also cleaned a couple of their full-length mirrors.

I played a little on her organ, but most of the keys don’t work.

While I was over at Ma’s dusting, I noticed this journal lying on top of a bookcase and I commented on it. Ma said she didn’t know where these journals were popping up from, and gave it to me. It’s older and uglier looking, but I still like it cuz it’s different. I like the quotes and the borders. The whole page layout isn’t the typical kind.

The cranberry juice and the Ibuprofen haven’t helped my stomach completely, so I guess I’ll just have to live with it.

There’s one of my birds in the back room window now. There are lots of them out there now. About 30. He’s looking in now and watching me and what I’m doing.

Shortly after 10:00 was when we took off for the hospital to see Dad. He’s with it, so to speak, and seems a bit better, although he still has a cough. We left Ma at the hospital, then Tom brought me home, and then he went back to mow their yard. He probably won’t be home till around 5:00 or later. I really feel like we have no life! We’ve hardly had any time together and who knows when and if we ever will.

Got the first issue of my new large print word find puzzle today.

Next door’s got company, but they’ve been quiet. That’s probably only due to the heat that they’ve been quiet. I’m sure if it were winter, they’d be out playing ball. I only saw one woman and her daughter visiting. I can’t believe Joely has only one kid. Blacks and Hispanics seem to have tons of them.

Now here’s something pretty amazing and shocking, if you think I’m so unique and different. Cindy, Ma’s sister’s daughter, is 30 years old, and not only is she a virgin who never left her house till after her mother died recently, but she’s also never looked after a kid before. This weekend she’s watching Nickolena. This is the first time in her life she’s babysat. She’s so whacked out from what I’ve heard that I can’t believe she has no kids. Maybe God did do something right after all.

OK, now on the subject of my uniqueness. I know this is gonna sound funny and like a bad excuse, but an outer force (probably God) made me say something to Tom that I didn’t mean and that I didn’t want to say. Nothing’s gonna ever change no matter what I do or don’t say, but I said that I didn’t want a kid for a few years yet, cuz the hospital and all made me want to wait. So, then he said something about not having sex in the missionary position where I’d risk getting pregnant. Yeah, right! He could be in that position, upside down, sideways; the guy won’t cum. The point is that it really felt like an outer force took over me and made me say this when fear of pregnancy is the last of my worries with a guy who doesn’t cum, whether I wanted a kid or not.

I asked myself why this thing would make me say stuff I didn’t want to say when it doesn’t matter, and I can’t conceive anyhow. The only thing I could think of was so that Tom could “punish” me. Meaning, his actions will say, “It’s too late, even though you said you were sorry and explained yourself to me. I’m gonna make sure the sex isn’t that great or that I don’t go on top anyway, just cuz you brought it up and placed it on my mind.” Like it isn’t on his mind every time we fuck anyway? Sure it is. Every time we fuck, he has to concentrate using every ounce of his mind and body to make sure he doesn’t let go. I just don’t want him to use this to tease me or to piss me off. Maybe instead of doing positions I don’t think are as fun, he’ll be too tired or too sore. That’s his usual excuse, so why should he change it now? Of course, by the time we get to doing anything in bed, if we do, it’ll be right before he crashes. Sex seems to be his last concern of the day. Sometimes I wish he’d take some kind of aphrodisiac, but fear of that kid will only override it.

Just think, if we had a kid now, damn would our lives be miserable. We already have no life, so think of what a kid would do to us. There’d be no chance in hell to screw later and I really think I’d just rather want it than have it. I’d be so sick and so miserable. It just isn’t for me. Besides, if I had all my dreams granted, there’d be nothing left to dream about. I’m not mother material and Tom’s busy life and our skinny wallet aren’t for a kid. It’d cost us tons of money to babyproof this house, let alone to pay for the baby and its needs. Is that all really worth the pain my body would go through, what it’d look like after, how we’d be as a couple and financially, the mental fatigue of it, and the lack of sleep and a life?

Maybe God really is just protecting me and my husband and has made me do the right thing. Maybe I should be helping to make sure I’m not pregnant by September, however, that job’s already taken care of. Between Tom and God, they can handle it.

The pool is so nice right now and Tom and I were gonna go for a swim around this time of day, but I guess we’ll have to go later. It’ll still be nice then. If I go at night and if the pool light still hasn’t been fixed yet, since we don’t have time to take care of our own stuff, I’ll bring out my flashlight and skim over the water to see if there are any dead bugs. Then I’ll just get them out of there with the net.

Well, I guess I’m gonna go watch some TV now.

FRIDAY, JUNE 7, 1996
A couple of days ago I wrote a note to Tom that he said was the best I’d ever written to him. Yeah, that’s cuz I told him to forget the patio, the back room, the kid, and more due to all that’s been going on till he’s ready to do whatever he wants.

Anyway, we’re looking forward to a fun weekend. He’s got to mow here and at his parent’s house among other things, but hopefully, we can go swimming, play cards, and screw. Tomorrow I’m mid-cycle, though, so he may want to go down on me or screw in a position that’s easier for him to hold back in. If he goes on top of me, which would shock me, I’ll bet he won’t be there for long. I wouldn’t be surprised if he screwed me tonight and then had some excuse as to why he couldn’t screw tomorrow or at least not for long or on top. Something of his will be sore. Or he may wake up super early so he can be exhausted. Also, I’ll bet he won’t touch me till the end of the day, but I’ll let you know, of course.

Andy may call later. I hope everything’s OK with him. He says his life is very stagnant, too, and that he feels a lot of the feelings I do.

Tom told me if I went to the hospital to see his dad, to be prepared for the guy he shares a room with. He’s a Jewish guy who’s had bypass surgery (that may remind me of my dad). I asked how he knew he was Jewish, and Tom says it’s nothing you can put your finger on, but it’s a subliminal thing that’s inflected in the way the guy talks.

A few days ago, he and his mother talked about money that they’d never quite had before. Well, as I’ve probably mentioned before, his dad was 21 during the depression and he got set in his ways as far as saving money, don’t spend it unless you absolutely need to, cuz the whole country is broke and on welfare. This stuck with him and has always been a way of life for him just like most kids that were abused. That sticks with them and that’s a way of life for them as a child and as an adult. Not everyone can stop living in the past or not go on to do stuff that was done to them.

Anyway, when Mom and Dad got married, it was agreed upon them that the money was his money and it wasn’t to be spent. She could ask for things and stuff like that, but the money wasn’t to be touched for things that weren’t necessities, even though all their accounts are joint accounts. So, Ma told Tom that Dad wanted to give his money to the 5 kids after he dies, even if Mom’s still alive. Tom said he didn’t agree with that (I feel the same), but that it was their money to do as they please.

Again Tom will be stopping by the hospital today after work. I hope his dad is better and close to going home, if not going home. They’re gonna give his dad an oxygen tank to take home with him. Hopefully, that’ll help him.

Before Tom went to work I downloaded some information for him for the first time all by myself from AOL. I also researched AOL for art information but didn’t really find out too much. I mean, it was so overwhelming since there are a million different places to go and a million different things to see. To cover all of what’s on AOL would probably take years. It would also cost a fortune. There’s a monthly fee for AOL that I believe is $10. The first 5 hours are free, and then you get charges added to that $10. I found an area where people made requests for certain drawings they were looking for. One needed a drawing of chickens or something like that for a family reunion. One needed a banana split.

Now would be a good time to sing, but I don’t really feel like it. Musically speaking, though, I did rearrange my tapes. I made a row of them in front of my row of CDs since they were a pain to get at in those cassette drawers. I like to be able to see as much of my music as I can in one spot.

I went for a quick swim just now. It’s to be another hot one out there today and I probably won’t see many of my birds till early afternoon when they get good and hungry or towards the later afternoon. Different birds have different habits and schedules. Chicken Pigeon, for example, usually makes his appearance in the morning and at the end of the day.

It pisses me off that I can’t go swimming at night. Well, I can, but I’d have to do it without the pool light on since the thing that controls it is dead. The reason why I don’t want to swim in a dark pool is that I can’t see what dead bees I may be swimming into or other insects. I’ll have to ask Tom if there’s any other way to activate that light.

I’ll also have to ask him how long email remains on AOL. I think it’s a month or 3 months. Tammy’s so busy and she’s barely got the time to go online, so I hope she’s getting all my messages. I don’t think she’d be tied up from getting online for a month, though. She’s probably gotten my messages but is too lazy or too busy to reply to any of my messages.

I have been praying to God to help Dad get better. Since he’s not very fond of me, who knows if he’ll do so or if he even heard me. We’ll just have to wait and see what Tom has to say when he returns from the hospital.

Alex sent me a message saying he moved. He’s still in Vermont but instead of being in Essex Junction, he’s in Colchester.

Bob’s gonna be a bit confused when he gets my next letter, seeing that it’s journal drafts. He’ll think it’s a letter and be expecting the usual from me. Stuff like how the weather is and just general stuff. Not little details like when I did laundry and shit like that.

Speaking of Bob, he’s well overdue for a new game. What kind of game can Kim and I or just myself play on him? Sometimes I wish I could erase his mind of the edits and all that funny talk and gibberish, so I could start anew by really catching him off guard and confusing him and shocking him and just totally freaking him out with weird lines and gibberish.

When the fuck am I gonna hear from Gloria’s fan club again? They promised me pictures and catalogs in May, so what the hell’s taking so long? They really are screwed up in running this club! I had a dream about a week ago that I was hoping would turn into a dream premonition, but it didn’t. I dreamt that I got 2 or 3 manila envelopes with stuff from her fan club. What it was beats me.

Guess I better get my ass in gear with the drawing. I’ve had a slow spell here and I’ve got to work on those envelopes for Tom as well as stuff in my sketchbook. Maybe I can do some envelopes, too, that’ll be going to my brother and my parents. I should do this in between copying journal drafts.

Andy’s still enjoying his imaginary tour with the Fireflies. He’s gone from California to Oregon and now he’s in Washington.

I should also do some cleaning around here, but I don’t know if I can convince my lazy ass to do any more than the dishes today, but oh well.

I know this is gonna sound very cold and selfish of me, but with the way his parents’ illnesses and needs have put a hold on our lives, I sometimes wish they were either younger, out of state, or dead. Maybe that way we could get more done around here and maybe then Tom would at least try occasionally to let himself let go and cum and maybe he wouldn’t be so afraid of the idea of a kid, regardless of whether or not God will allow that. Then again, that may scare him more because if we needed financial help, his folks wouldn’t be around to help and my parents wouldn’t give us a dime. If it weren’t for them loaning us that money to turn the electricity back on, who knows what we’d have done? I’m forever grateful to them for this.

Later…

Tom went to see his dad again and reports no improvement. The lung is still shut tight. Tomorrow we’re gonna go pick Mom up, then go see him at the hospital. Then Tom will bring me home and go back over there to do yard work.

I asked if he’d go down on me. It’s been so long! He agreed, but his tone and expression were as if to say it was a chore he didn’t really feel like doing. And, of course, the ball game comes before I do.

He also says he’s got a secret that I’ll know about by September 1st. He won’t say anything about it, other than that it’s got nothing to do with my family. He’s either just playing with me or it’s something stupid. If it’s not something stupid, it’s got to have something to do with work or money or someplace we might go. I wish it was that he’d come out and say, “I just wanted to wait till now to start working on the kid. I didn’t ever have a problem and it’s not that I never really wanted one either. Look. I can cum. I’ll show you.” I know that’s pure fantasy, though. I really hope he’s not playing with me. That wouldn’t be a funny way to joke with me after I’ve been feeling empty and other negative feelings for so long. I mean, when he says a lot is gonna happen between now and September 1st, it really irks me. We’ll be right where we are now by September 1st, and if we’re not, God will have hit us with a new problem. I hate phonies and liars. Especially when they joke and play with your emotions. A joke like the one he said earlier is different.

I told him that my hair is much heavier when it’s straightened, compared to when I leave it curly. He said we’ll just have to get some helium balloons to take the weight off of it, so I can have it straight without it being so heavy. When I pull my hair straight, it’s to the crack of my ass easily. With my head slightly tipped back, it’s about to the middle of my ass. It’s really moving.

I’m happy to say that the kids were quiet today. That’s fine with me, but I’ll bet they’ll be at it when Tom and I are trying to have a fun, yet peaceful swim during the weekend.

It’s Friday night, so the pigs are swarming around in their helicopters like hell. Sounds like they’re circling near here. Probably someone running from a bar brawl or maybe a car chase.

Kim said something funny to me the other day. She says she tells people, “I’m an RN. A registered nut.”

Laura’s turning out to be a good roommate for Andy, which is nice. It works out well since she’s hardly ever home. She’s out tweaking herself and how these people get the money for shit like this, I don’t know. Andy made a deal with Laura so he wouldn’t have to get mad and bitch her out for not doing her share of the chores (roommates seem to hate doing chores! I should remember that). He said that if she paid him $30 more bucks a month, he’d do all the cleaning and she agreed. He’s more into cleaning now. Especially since he’s got a house.

Later…

Tom just went to get me some cranberry juice for that obnoxious pain I’ve had in my lower right gut since 1992. Cranberry juice helps it. I’m sure it’s gas and I hope to hell I don’t have a UT infection. I asked Tom for cranberry juice 3 or 4 days ago and it’s not like him to keep forgetting. He’s always jumped to do anything I need that’s non-sexually related. Of course, I still wish he’d take care of me sexually right when I need it, but first, he had to watch an hour and a half of TV. “Can’t I have a life?” he asked me.

Sure. But I’d like to come before his other life.

If I’m not asleep between 11:00 and midnight, I’ll have to ask myself if I want to try the Melatonin again and not give up when I should, or if I want to just say fuck it and fall asleep whenever I fall asleep.

I got one more hint about the secret (if he really has a secret). I asked him when I’d find out what it was and he said there was no set time. It still seems logical that he’s playing with me and if so, why oh why must this man play with me like I’m someone’s old Barbie doll? If he has a secret, maybe it’s got something to do with our anniversary. God! I’m about to be married for two years. Except for the baby bullshit, it’s been great. I am really truly blessed and I know most people would kill to be in my shoes.

If the cranberry juice helps, and I believe it has helped in the past, I should keep it around at all times, so that I don’t have to suffer when I get feeling this way. The Gas-X doesn’t really help that much and who knows why the cranberry juice helps. Must be something about the way it mixes with the gases.

The monitor looks so shitty. The colors are all screwy and it’s way too big for the screen. I really hope Tom can get a monitor from Eldon soon enough. Even Tom says he misses using a normal monitor and almost has come to like his black and white one better, rather than having to deal with stripes and blotches of color that shouldn’t be there.

I wonder if next door is gonna take off for the weekend as they have for the past two weekends. A dark-colored car has been parked in the same exact spot deep in the carport for about a week now, even when they’re not home. How do I know it’s there even when no one’s home? Oh, I guess I just sense it. I hear no one coming and going and no sounds at all. When they’re here, I can at least hear them coming and going.

Anyway, I guess we’re gonna leave here tomorrow morning around 8:00 and we’ll probably get back either around late morning or around noon. Then he’s gonna go back out to do their lawn. Then he’ll come home and eat and then we’ll go swimming. If we screw or do anything, let me guess, it’ll happen no earlier than 7:30. Well, if I’m that horny and can’t wait on him, I can at least always take care of myself. Without that, I’d have a real problem, I guess.

What is taking him so long? How crowded can the grocery store be now? Then again, in Phoenix on a Friday night - I’m sure it’s busy enough.

I haven’t been playing Crazy 8’s on the computer too much lately. I don’t like the way it plays for points and how it passes when the deck runs out. Why can’t it reshuffle the deck just like you do when you play with a regular deck of cards?

He should be back any minute, so bye for now!

Later…

Tom returned with the juice. I drank a glass and already I feel so much better. But is it the juice or the Ibuprofen I took about 20 minutes ago? Time will tell.

He doesn’t want me going tomorrow, cuz he doesn’t want me getting sick at the hospital or something like that. He said his parents need him too much to have to take care of me for being sick. He said I need to sleep and take care of myself. I’m so fucking pissed, though, cuz I really wanted to go. Also, there goes our fun weekend and Tom will certainly use this as the perfect excuse to not touch me.

Thanks, God. Thanks, a real fucking lot!

THURSDAY, JUNE 6, 1996
I wish they would just shut the fuck up two yards down! I’m gonna be in for a hell of a winter. I can see that now. Why oh why did they have to move them out back to play? Won’t they just go back out front?! Well, God’s got to give me this in exchange for next door’s quietness. Noise from two houses away is better than from one house away.

Andy left a very nice message this morning wishing Tom’s dad better.

I also spoke to my folks. Ma sounded her usual crabby self and we didn’t talk long. I told Dad I was sorry I wasn’t there to help fit all those candles on the cake and he said it was too late cuz the cake melted, anyway.

Later…

Hey, a mouse just ran under the door to the garage while I was sitting there feeding the birds!

I just talked to Kim and Andy. Kim didn’t have much to say, other than she’s still swamped with doctor’s appointments and wishes I’d move back there so we could swap lives again. When I lived there, of course, she never had any problems, while my asthma, colds, and flues were driving me batty.

Then I talked to Andy who’s harder to talk to. Not cuz he can’t deal with me, but cuz I can’t get a word in edgewise when he talks these days.

The kids have been quiet since their 9:00 screaming match, so that’s nice.

The bee thing really is a bust as I figured, since I really wanted it to work out. I went to trim the hedges with it, but yellow jackets still came around. Just like with in the pool. I thought about trying to conquer my fears of bees, but that’s easier said than done, cuz of the way they’re so stupid and brave and fly right at you. Bees are like moths that fly in your face and fly into your arms and all over you and even land on you and sit there. If bees would just go get their drinks, be terrified of going anywhere near people, and then just leave, maybe I could deal with them but they’re not like that. If I were in the pool and stood still, they’d fly all around my head, then no doubt land on me and sit there for God knows how long.

Tammy won another award at school for getting good grades. They gave her a certificate for dinner for two. I feel like everyone else in the world is succeeding, but us and his parents.

Andy can really relate to some of the things I’ve said. He feels the same way I do as far as other people always seeming to manage to pull themselves out of their ruts and get what they want in the long run. Or happily settle.

The first two years of my being here sure were different than the last two years of my being here. I feel like in the last two years I’ve accomplished nothing, but little stuff. The first two years were full of wonderful changes and surprises. I danced, I met and married Tom, I was reunited with my brother after 8 years, I got off the Theo, I got off disability, I had my ear done, went to Vegas, etc.

This morning Tom told me that I’ve matured so much by not being as selfish. Like that’ll get me anywhere, whether I have or haven’t? He says I’m a great wife and person with the potential to be a good mother. I don’t always feel like a great wife or person, even though I know I’m not a bad wife or person and it doesn’t matter whether I have the potential to be a good mother when there’ll be no kid.

Andy said a therapist or doctor can fix Tom with whichever one of the two problems Tom could have, but I disagree. If he’s lying, a therapist can’t make him tell the truth and if it’s physical, they can’t cure it. Andy said that maybe God wants us to go through some experience together where we have to work things out and deal with whatever his case may be. I doubt it. I don’t think it’s a case of having to be tested, struggle, suffer, and go through fixing and dealing with all kinds of shit before I can have this. I think it’s what I’ve always thought it is. God’s got his mind made up and nothing we do, say, believe, think, feel, or want will change that. God can only test someone for so long. Then it becomes obvious one’s fighting a losing battle and that there is no test involved.

I used to think that homeless people were all druggies and alcoholics that asked for it, but I was almost homeless in the past and I wasn’t a druggie or an alcoholic and I didn’t ask for it. Also, I used to think a loser was someone who didn’t care or want to try for any goals or dreams and who put no effort into achieving anything. So my point is that I feel like a loser by force. I feel like the more I care, want, or try for something, the more God’s gonna see to it that I don’t succeed.

I’m in a weird position too, cuz at the same time I feel like I’m stuck at a standstill and I don’t want to always be a miserable failure, I’m afraid to succeed for fear that my success won’t last very long. I find myself saying to myself, “What’s the point of moving to a bigger more modern house when someone could just come by and burn the place down?” and “What’s the point of getting pregnant when I’d just have a miscarriage?”

Tuesday night when Tom’s dad had that procedure done on his lungs, he was put in intensive care after surgery. Tom was asking me what my vibes were, and I told him he’d be out of there soon and home Friday. Well, he was out of intensive care and put into a regular room as of yesterday, and for his sake, I hope I’m right about him coming home tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5, 1996
Tom’s father’s in the hospital right now and not doing too well. His lung collapsed and they’re hoping to re-inflate it. He’s gonna stop by the hospital after work and hopefully, things will have improved. I shall pray to God that all goes well with his dad. I know this is something that’s OK to pray for, too.

I knew before, but now I really know - there’s no way Tom will touch me on Saturday. Not only is that a scary day for him for reasons we already know, but he’s gonna have his dad on his mind which is perfectly understandable. What a coincidence that this happens right around mid-cycle with his dad. Especially when this is maybe the first or second time I’ll hit mid-cycle on his day off. Tom can’t control what goes on with his dad, so I see more and more how God’s controlling this situation. But why would God and Tom want Tom to stay away from me during those times when he won’t cum and when God can make sure I’m sterile? It must be just to baffle me.

Later…

Before Tom went to work he told me he felt he was a bad husband cuz he hasn’t given me the attention I need. I thoroughly understand. If I were him and if my father was going through what his father’s going through, I’d have that on my mind, too, and want to be alone or not do much extra stuff. I know he still loves me and he takes care of me just fine. I do miss having sex more often, but I’ve never felt we had sex enough and I never will.

Later…

What the hell are the kids two yards down doing out playing in this kind of heat? Are they playing in a kiddy pool or running through sprinklers? If I can hear a scream here and there now, I can only imagine how much I’ll hear them in the winter when the air is thicker, making sounds louder.

I showed Tom an ad I saw for housekeeping at a hotel. He was reluctant about it, saying he doesn’t think that’s what I want. We’ve already been through this and about how no one really likes their jobs and how I can’t do what I want to do. I’m not gonna sit in this house forever while he falsely promises us a kid every few months. He’s always gonna cum, he doesn’t want to wait on the kid, now’s the perfect time for a kid… Then where is this kid?! I think I can find better things to do with my life, whether I like them or not than listen to him kid me and begging God to change his mind. Fate is fate, whether or not Tom’s lying or whether or not he really believes what he says and doesn’t know any better.

The bee things may work, after all, but being the pessimist I am, I need to give it more time. That one I used yesterday is either broken it its battery is dead. The other one gave off a high, soft pitch, unlike the one I tried yesterday. One might very well be enough, though, if we can’t fix the other one. The one that works is easier to hear at say 9 AM, rather than 1 PM since the hotter air is thinner. It’s harder to hear when it’s hotter.

Later…

I wish my last week’s horoscope was right when it said I was perfectly equipped to excel at whatever I chose to do. I wish this week’s horoscope were right, too, which says: It would seem that you are about to be pleasantly surprised by a close associate or loved one who knows more about a certain matter than you do. Don’t be backward about coming forward - you have more than earned any benefits, bonuses, or rewards that come your way.

My loved one knows more about a certain matter than I do? Well, I always figured that if I didn’t think Tom was bullshitting me about the kid and that it could be a physical problem, maybe I’d think he was waiting, but wouldn’t admit that. I doubt it, though, and if my horoscope has any accuracy, I’d say it had to do with any helpful art info over the computer.

TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 1996
I just talked to Andy for a little while and Tom’s up now, too. He’s eating the spag I made him.

A few days ago, I asked Tom, who’s sure we’ll have a kid, if he’s ever been wrong on something he was so sure of. He said no, not something like this. Did he forget how he was sure I’d be a bad wife when we got married? If he was sure I’d be a bad wife, then how can he not feel sure I’d be a bad mother, too?

Tom’s sworn over and over that his problem isn’t physical. OK, then if it’s psychological, it’s got to be fears, doubts, and worries about having a kid and fears, doubts, and worries about what kind of a mother I’d be. How can it be anything else? How can it be cuz the sky is blue? Or cuz the carpet in here is brown? Or cuz my hair is long? Or cuz he’s into spicy foods?

Later…

I forgot to say that a few days ago, that book club sent me a notice. They’re not gonna send any books till I send half of what I already owe, so no more books from them.

I went through the employment ads and so far I found one possibility for me. Housekeeping at a small hotel in Phoenix. I figured that if this is gonna be my life and all God will allow for me, I better stop worrying about my schedule and take whatever I can get for however long I can hang onto it.

We went on the World Wide Web to check that singer’s thing. So far, we’ve found that it has karaoke music you can buy and stuff like that.

Dreams to Dream is a song of Linda’s from some movie track that I want. I only heard a quick clip of it once and thought it was really beautiful. I’d love to have this song, but first I’ve got to find out what movie it’s from and if I can get a cassette single of it or whatever.

Later…

I know the birds have some nests going in the palm tree across the street, but one has a nest in the tarp out on the patio. There’s a part of the tarp we put up with some of the old rafters covering it, so it’s a fairly shaded area they’re nesting in. I climbed up on a stool and I couldn’t see in, but I could see the mother bird’s head and she looked right at me. I couldn’t see it cuz I’m not tall enough and the bottom of the nest is shaped like a bowl and only a few inches tall before it hits the rafter above it.

Later…

Larry and Sandy sent me a band roster from Agawam High with little Larry’s name listed under percussion.

Larry and Tammy sure have things about their kids to be proud of.

I also got those bee things in the mail and once again, I knew it was too good to be true as with 99.9% of anything I want bad enough. I waited for a bee to come and flicked it on. Instead of flying away, he got a drink and then charged at me, so I ran.

Why do I bother trying for anything I want? I realize more and more that getting pregnant would be scarier than a blessing. Not just for reasons I’ve already stated, but cuz I’d no doubt have a miscarriage, so what would be the point of getting all psyched up for nothing? Also, I may feel empty and purposeless, but due to life being negative and positive, getting pregnant would be just swapping one misery for another. Instead of feeling empty and missing out on a child, I’d just be tired, fighting more with Tom, I’d lose my life and I know what my body would feel like and look like, too.

What’s the point? Shouldn’t we just remain as we are and be happy with what we’ve got and can do and can have? Is it really necessary to change our lives when it’s not to save our lives or fix/end a crisis?

There’s something else I realized, too. Seeing a doctor in ‘97 is only gonna make us look desperate. Those who see fertility doctors are desperate, and is that any good to be any more than a person who’s dying to get laid? It’s not good by your average person’s standards to be desperate for love or sex and the average person really sees anyone who goes to a dating service as desperate. Therefore, isn’t seeing a fertility doctor desperate? And does it show an unhealthy obsession? Isn’t it wrong for a person to really, really want something bad?

MONDAY, JUNE 3, 1996
I just went out back and at this point, the sun’s illuminating the patio. There were tons of webs. Yuck! Tom killed most of them.

Last night I made two new bracelets that are pretty cool. They’re designed differently than I’ve ever designed any bracelet or another piece of jewelry. One’s got two different colors, purple and pink, and they rotate and are linked from their two different strands here and there with clear beads. The other’s got 4 strands of beads in pink, orange, blue, and green with black beads along the way after every 10 beads or so. I twisted it before putting it on and it looks really cool.

It’s already 70º out and by the next few days, the pool will not only be comfy at 3 PM, but at 3 AM as well. That’s nice to know since my schedule will always be erratic.

We have to order a new part for the vacuum since I was stupid enough not to remove my hair from its brush regularly.

Tom’s showering now, and then he’ll be off to work.

Soon, I’ll be firing up the computer to check for email and whatever else I decide to do. Whoever sent me an email from the singer’s website still remains a mystery. Guess it was either random or a mistake.

Later…

The dogs were going off and I was like, what the fuck?! It’s Monday. Mondays and Thursdays are when the garbage truck comes and they go off. See? That’s how I know they must be guard dogs. Not just cuz they’re outside 24/7, but cuz they always bark at the garbage truck and by now you’d think they should be plenty used to them like the M’s dog got used to shit going on around here. There would be only two reasons the M’s dog would bark after it settled down. Either cuz of some new or different sound or a presence or cuz the M’s neglected the dog and barely paid any attention to it. They probably couldn’t get the time with all those kids.

How can kids play around guard dogs like they did that day when they were on the monkey bars? The dogs must’ve either been tied up away from the kids or the kids were introduced to them to let them know they weren’t intruders. That’s what Anna and Harry did with me with their guard dog at LaRagiones. Otherwise, Max would’ve killed me.

Wow. It’s already 93º and they say it’ll be 110º today. I thought it was only supposed to be 108º today and 110º tomorrow. Yesterday when it was 103º and about 11:00, I couldn’t fucking believe it. I heard kids scream on and off for a little while and automatically assumed it had to be two yards down, but then it occurred to me that the people behind us, who have a pool, could’ve had their grandkids over. I doubt it, though. It was probably two yards down. I really think they’re Mormons too. I can see two of the symptoms of being Mormon that they seem to have always had. They’ve probably got no less than 4 or 5 kids and they’re home 24/7. I wouldn’t be surprised if they home-teach their kids like the M’s did.

Lucky for me it’s summer now, but of course, I wonder how it’ll be next winter. Will they be on their monkey bars 24/7 and now be using their backyard to play in? Will the welfare bums party outdoors with their music and basketball? What kind of dogs could the assholes have, and will their kid be out screaming holy hell as it gets older?

I know we’re not moving for several years yet. It’s kind of obvious unless we win the lottery. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if we were still here in the 2000s. Therefore, I have to be like a military person. On-call to take care of any bullshit, while I hope to hell I don’t have to deal with any that I’ve got to take care of.

Another thing Tom said to me the other day was that I’d be spoiled if I didn’t have a kid cuz that’s what he wants.

Uh-huh. And what does he preventing us from having the kid I wanted make him? A saint? I don’t think so. It’s just as easy for me to say, how fucking rude, cruel, and selfish of him. You can’t make someone have a kid just cuz you want one. You can’t do that any more than you can tell someone you want one and will have one with them when you know you won’t. I may want one, but that statement was a major turn-off to the idea for a while. Good, though, cuz it’s just what I needed. If I don’t bring it up, I hope and think he’ll forget about the kid idea for a while. At least I need not worry that he’ll cum cuz of the risk of it, but also cuz of the way it probably stinks and will surely make a mess.

I’m happy to say that I got over my shitty emotional spell much quicker than I thought. I’m back to telling myself - fuck what others think or believe. I know what I can and can’t do and I know and understand myself and fuck the rest of the world, other than Tom and myself.

Other than that I’m not doing much and am coming to the end of my day.

I keep telling myself to work out and to stick to it this time, but that’s easier said than done. My weight’s up a bit. Just over 100 and I may go on a diet. I may end up taking that Slim-Fast and just dealing with how dairy upsets my stomach. I’ve got to cut down on granola bars and eat more stuff like tuna fish.

Tom’s dad really has to go through hell this week. They’re admitting him to the hospital for at least two days. They’ve got to spray cornstarch and talcum powder into his lungs to make them bleed. Then, hope they heal and that the lungs stick to the chest cavity. Gross and painful!

I hear my birds out there and I suppose they want some seed, so I guess I’ll go feed them now.

SUNDAY, JUNE 2, 1996
I wish to hell I was one of those who could write when I was mad, tired, sad, or whatever so that I could do so when my thoughts were still fresh in my head.

Kim called while I was asleep. She talked to Tom and told him she saw Gloria in Boston. It was at an outdoor place with other bands. Hope she liked her and I’ll be waiting to hear from her about that.

Yesterday when I checked my email, there was a message from the singer’s website containing info about performances and more. The note said, heard you like to sing, check this out, etc. This is why I thought it was someone who knows me and knows I sing and not randomly sent to me. Tom says it could’ve been randomly sent or maybe Alex or Tammy put my name on a mailing list. Alex confirmed that he didn’t send it like I thought he didn’t and there’s no way Tammy would send it. Who knows then? Anyway, Tom and I will check it out one of these years.

Tom says missionary position is the best and that there’s no comparison to how good that feels to the old position. I still feel he isn’t that eager to do it more or that he wants to do it for too long at a time. His parents are really bad off now and even if he really does want a kid, I think his subconscious isn’t gonna allow him to do anything about that now cuz of his parents, money, and all kinds of shit going on in life. If he doesn’t have a problem, then he still may not want a kid deep down in his subconscious and maybe he feels he’s protecting me. He knows how much I value my sleep, not being too fat, how sensitive I am, and more. And of course, there’s God too, and his plans for me which I still say are no plans.

I asked Tom why he implied he didn’t want a kid when we first met and what made him change his mind and be so sure he wants one now. He said that cuz he wasn’t really in a position to have one when we first met, it kind of turned him off of the idea, but now that he is, he’s into it. I wish I was like that. I wish I could say I didn’t like the idea of having a kid or a schedule or of quitting smoking since I can’t and or am not in a position to do so.

I also asked him, if he thought dancing was a loser job, then why did he get to know me? He said cuz I hadn’t been dancing for a year and that I seemed like I wanted something else. Something more.

Tammy called me a couple of days ago to tell me how proud she was of Lisa’s solo that she did in concert and that she’ll be sending us a video. I am very, very happy for Lisa, Tammy, and the rest of the family and very proud too, but this sparked all kinds of bad and unwanted emotions on my part and made me really bummed out for a while there. I was overrun with feelings of jealousy, depression, and just not being good enough. I haven’t had problems with feelings of jealousy or being self-conscious or worrying about what people think of me for a good 10 years now, but lately, these feelings have been apparent. I know it’s uncool to feel jealous and to worry about what others think of me as a person or what they think of things I do and that all that should matter is what my husband and I think, feel, or want. I found myself riddled with jealousy and wishing I could put all this time and energy I’ve got into having a kid, making a difference in its life, being proud of it, and wanting to show it off to others and tell all about things it can do. I hate God for taking this away from me.

Tammy didn’t say so, but knowing her, her tone said that I couldn’t sing well enough for anyone to give a shit or praise it in any way. Then, feelings about my family labeling me a nut, and stupid or not, came flying into my head left and right. I tried to tell myself not to feel jealous and that my family will never really give a shit about me or be proud of me. Also, they’re just too set in their ways to ever think I’m more than just a so-so singer even if I were suddenly a 10+. I know I’m not a great singer, but I still feel that they’ll never really give a damn about my singing, drawing, signing or anything else. All they really care about or want to hear about is stuff they can relate to themselves or just trivial stuff like the weather.

I know I shouldn’t give a shit what my family thinks and I know I shouldn’t be jealous of anyone, but it’s hard to help at times. I know we all have our bad times where we feel stuck in a rut and can’t get anything we want, but it seems that others always find a way out of their ruts and into their dreams or goals in the long run, whereas I stay right where I am. I know I’m blessed for being able to live here and for being married to Tom and that’s 1st best to me, but I know this is it. This is where the first bests stop and where the rest of my dreams and goals remain just that. Dreams, goals, fantasies, and desires, but never a reality.

I always said Tammy was a lousy mom and in a lot of ways I’d still say that, but I think it’s great that she’s proud of Lisa and that she’s encouraging her. Our mother never encouraged us whether we were good at something or not. I believe parents should encourage their kids to do stuff they like even if they aren’t good at it, cuz there’s always a chance, be it slim or great, that they’ll improve or even excel at something they weren’t very good at.

I tell myself I should be happy with what I do have, stop complaining, and stop being miserable so much, but in the end, the stubborn selfish person that I can be comes out crying all miserable over what she can’t have, do, or be like a spoiled rotten kid.

Later…

It’s gonna be a scorcher today. I’ve got the phone right next to me, so I’ll call for today’s high.

We just played Crazy 8’s on the computer in which I kicked his ass.

It’s currently 87º and the high will be 107º. It’s gonna be 108º on Monday and 110º on Tuesday. Why are they calling that unseasonably warm? It’s supposed to be this hot in June.

Before playing cards, we screwed. We began on our sideways one, as he led us to this position. He had a head start, meaning he was already hard to begin with and seemed close to cumming even as I warmed him up. So I thought to myself, shit. He’s so close that he may never go on top if I don’t ask him to.

So he went on top, but not for long. Afterward, he seemed bummed, even though he said he was just tired. However, I could swear his expression was saying, shit. I’m so much closer on top that I may lose it. Now I’ve got to worry about that which sucks.

Why don’t I just know with every ounce of my heart and mind that Tom won’t cum on top? Why don’t I feel he won’t? Because he won’t. No way in hell will he.

I sometimes do look ahead and ask myself where I think I’ll be in life in the fall, for example, but then I have to shake myself back to earth. I have to tell myself, come on now. You’ll be right where you are today and you know it.

Last night the cat/dog calendar in the living room fell apart, so I took apart the dog calendar in the kitchen too. Then I tore down those watercolor paintings I had in the living room and redecorated that area with them (dogs & cats) and the front door, too. I made a new calendar since 1996 isn’t over.

Later…

I was quite annoyed the other night. I was trying to draw a mouse from a design on a pad Kim sent and I just couldn’t do it. It was a simple little outline I was gonna shade and define and color in. I’ve done several others similar to this, but I just couldn’t cut it with this one. So I was telling Tom how I feel that the only thing I can always do is flowers. I wish I could do people, animals, and a wide variety of things whenever I choose to. He told me, though, that that’s normal and all artists have one thing they specialize in. Then he told me about a famous artist who painted the same mountain 175 times.

He also said something I disagree with about a totally different subject. He said if you do your best to achieve what you want, things are guaranteed to work out.

Yeah, right!

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Last updated June 15, 2024