August 1996 in 1990s

SATURDAY, AUGUST 31, 1996
I’m really tired now. I had been up for nearly 18 hours when I fell asleep and I only slept around 6 hours. I think it was Tom’s snoring that woke me up. I just hope I get caught up on my sleep, cuz I’m looking forward to Tom’s idea for early tomorrow morning. He’s gonna go get his dad’s car and we may go to the Grand Canyon or something.

I went ahead and forged Andy’s signature as a witness on that form. I told Andy I signed it Mark A. M. and that they wouldn’t check. Tom said all they could do was ask him if he signed it and all he has to do is say he did sign it.

Yesterday, Tom reminded me we can’t know what’s going on with me and I shouldn’t think I do, and that I haven’t been having a miscarriage. He told me a miscarriage wouldn’t have caused nearly two weeks of spotting, that it would’ve been a sudden thing, and then I’d have had a regular period. He says we can’t know for sure, but that I’ve had a lot of symptoms of pregnancy. He says I’ve had some tingling in my nipples, which is one of the early signs. It’s so subtle, though, that I’m not totally sure if that was what it was. He says I was peeing frequently, which is another thing you’re supposed to do in the beginning as the kidneys filter the blood and he also says I’ve been moody. But he always tells me I’m moody overall. He says he still thinks something’s changing in me and that we might call the doctor after Labor Day, but if anything was growing in me, it’s gone now. Today, which makes day 13, I’ve had a little more in the way of cramps and also, the spots were bigger and more frequent. When I got up I wiped off 4 bigger spots.

I can see God just laughing his ass off at me saying, “And you thought for a second there that I might just change my mind?!”

Yeah, well, I refuse to cry. I’m sick of giving in to his teasing, torturing, and games. I’m not gonna be the emotional basket case he expects me to be, but I learned something from all this. I really would’ve been a good mother, cuz God doesn’t give good mothers kids anymore. I’ve had to really lecture myself, too, so as not to fall out of reality. I told myself, he’s not gonna change his mind. What makes you think that after so long, he’s gonna let you have a kid? Did you really think he may change his mind? How stupid of you to even have a sliver of hope. You knew this would be the next step. You knew he was gonna begin this whole new phase of teasing you as far as a kid goes. God only wants to hurt you. He doesn’t love everybody and he certainly doesn’t love you.

Like I’ve always said, if I were smart, I’d get on birth control or have my tubes tied or have a hysterectomy cuz that’d really piss God off. But then he’d just go and do something else to hurt me.

Since I know God can and does make mistakes and since there are about 6 billion people in this world that God may not always be able to keep constant tabs on, I wonder if he “slipped” and made the mistake of letting me come out here and have Tom. Since God loves to fuck with the things I love, want, or mean a lot to me, I wonder if he’d ever do something to hurt Tom just to hurt me. It’s a scary thought.

I’d love to believe that my not sleeping too much lately and all that’s been going on with me is a sign of a kid to come and that God’s getting me in the practice of having my sleep cut short. And that the stereo breaking is compensation for something good to come, but I know better. I’m using my old box now, so I’m not totally without a stereo. I will catch up on my sleep soon enough and I know what’s physically going on with me. My body attempted to conceive, but thanks to God and the DES, it didn’t and that’s why I’ve had 13 days of spotting.

Later…

I just spoke to Andy a little while ago and let him know what was going on. He said he was sorry and didn’t know what to say. Well, you can’t change fate or fight God, I reminded him.

He says he’s tired of being tested so much by God. I can totally relate to that, of course. I don’t know why he’s doing this to me or what he wants from me. I wish that if he can’t have a positive impact on my life he’d just leave me alone and write off my existence. What does he expect me to do? Break down and lose my mind? Well, I won’t. Go to a doctor for help? I won’t. Try to adopt? I won’t. What does he think he’s gaining by all this? Just a good laugh? Is he not only that sick, but is he that bored, too? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than keep picking at me with one thing after another?

How can Tom think that there’s nothing wrong with me and that something’s changing? How can he not believe, also, that it attempted to make a baby, but didn’t or that something’s wrong? The more I think about it, I don’t know if God would make sure something went wrong that’d cause me to have a hysterectomy. Or something that a doctor would tell me has made me sterile for sure. That would spoil his game. He wouldn’t be able to dangle the subject in my face and tease me with it and hurt me as much. He wants this to be a slow and agonizing process, whereas if I should suddenly be sterile, that’d put an abrupt stop to his games. I think that this isn’t the last time I’m gonna go through 12 days of spotting and 1 of a little more than spotting. I wouldn’t be surprised if this happens every few months. I also wouldn’t be surprised if I had a full flow tomorrow. Usually, when my period starts, the first day I have spots or a light flow and the next day I have a fuller flow.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 30, 1996
Now I know what happened, even though Tom says to give it 3 more weeks. He says I can’t know, but I do know. I also know God and the physical symptoms I have make what happened obvious. After putting together everything we read and found out, along with the fact that this is day 12 of the spotting (the longest time I ever bled/spotted), it’s obvious I had a miscarriage. We learned that 30%-50% of women have miscarriages when the egg and sperm meet, cuz it’s common for the genetic codes to be off. So my body attempted to get pregnant, but since that particular egg and sperm didn’t get along, the fetus automatically aborted itself.

See? I knew it. First God wanted to torture and tease me with his not cumming and now he’s on to tease me with miscarriages. He’s never gonna stop. He’s never gonna let me have a child.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 29, 1996
Tom did some research and left a message saying what he checked out was pretty much inconclusive, he couldn’t find too much on spotting, but that one of the first signs of pregnancy is an abnormal flow. He said he also read that ovulation doesn’t occur when I think it does. He said he read something about 2 days on the 8th day of the cycle is when you ovulate, then something about another 2 days after that. That’s odd.

I can’t believe, though, how much I’m just learning at 30 years old. I had no idea the fetus’s heart starts beating at only 3 weeks. I thought that’d be 2-3 months.

This makes day 11 of the spotting. Will it ever stop? See, I just can’t see for the life of me how a fetus could hang in there with all these spots. On the other hand, something may be going on, cuz how confused can a body get and for how long? After 11 days or more days, it ought to figure out what the hell it’s doing.

I have no idea why, but my CDs won’t play. Only tapes. Maybe this is a favor in itself as I’ve come to not like this stereo too much. It just doesn’t have enough power. Certain recordings that are older and softer have barely any volume to them with the damn thing up full blast.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 28, 1996
Well, I’m sorry my worries, curiosities, and questions about what’s been going on with me have worried Tom out of screwing me. I told him, though, to try not to worry and that I’m sorry if I shot our sex lives. He said we could start over and forget our worries and that we don’t need to take a month or so from sex to ease his worries. I just hope he isn’t using this as an excuse to not have sex for a while, to make me wait for it, or to stall my getting pregnant. So, I told him his “morning lecture” is to try not to worry and that while no doctor’s told us not to have sex, there’s no reason why we can’t cuz it’s fun and maybe, just maybe, we will get a kid out of it.

Tom said he’s gonna do some investigating on the computer when he gets home from work. Then he says he’ll print out what he finds out. He says what Kim said makes perfect sense, cuz the uterus always has blood in it. Oh, I didn’t know that. I thought it was just open space until the period set in. I also read that the egg busting out of the ovary walls can cause bleeding. I didn’t know that either.

He says not to worry still and that what I consider a heavy flow, might not be heavy to most women. And that what I consider spots may not even be noticeable to other women. Oh, they’d notice the spots I’ve been having, all right. There’s no missing them.

He still says nothing can get “flushed out” of the uterus either and that having spots here and there after conception may be more common than people think and the reason why it may not be mentioned is so that people don’t worry. It still seems weird that I wouldn’t have heard that as common knowledge, just like it’s common knowledge that women get periods.

Tom explained to me that something can be considered common, even if it’s 1 out of 100. For example, Tom said that to him one-eared people are common. I guess I get his point.

What do I still think? The same thing. I think the sperm threw off my cycle and that while it was just one day late, it was screwy, but I still say there’s not a chance in hell that I could’ve conceived.

Kim did say something about the number 2 popping into her head. Well, like I said, this is the second time he came when it was prime time for baby catching, but that’s still too soon. Also, I have to see Dr. Rauche on the 27th, and there’s a 2 in that date, but only for med refills.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 27, 1996
Well, so far I’m doing pretty well at cutting down on the smokes.

I spoke with Andy who read me a funny 6-page letter he’s sending to his friend Michelle. The one he lived with who’s gone to Michigan to be with her terminally ill father.

The spotting is tapering off once again, but who the hell knows what’s gonna happen? I guess I still think I’ll have a bit more of a period next month. By then my body should be back to normal. Especially with this limp dick around. Even if God changes his mind and allows me a child, am I gonna be able to get laid enough to do so?

My parents haven’t called and you know what I’m gonna say about them and that. Same thing I said about Jenny C. Why should either of us bother? We’re better off without associating with each other.

Later…

In a half-hour, I’ll be waking Tom up.

This having my cycle thrown off has kind of played on my emotions. It hasn’t been too, too bad, though, and I guess you could say that on a scale of 1-10, I’m affected by about a 4. This is the best I’ve felt physically, though, since the cycle went wacko. I feel less watery and my tits are a little less sore. My weight’s still up to 102, so that’s not cool. This shows I’m still “period constipated.” Usually, after a regular period, I’m 99.

Later…

Tom just went down on me and now he’s in the shower. He’ll be off to work in a half-hour.

He said I still had sort of an acid taste down there like I do when I have my period, but isn’t sure if it’s due to spotting or sweat, cuz I was walking on the walker to keep my mind off smoking. I said it had to be sweat due to not spotting for nearly 24 hours. Then he said it was time for my morning lecture and he reminded me that since I want a baby, I must remember that some things will be different. He said to expect changes and for some things to sometimes seem weird and unexplainable and don’t panic.

Is he saying he thinks I could be pregnant now? Well, I know I don’t know it all and that anything’s possible, but I think it’s OK and fair to say I’m 99.9% sure I’m not. Hopefully soon enough! I’m so afraid, though, to get my hopes up and am trying not to hope, due to past experiences we all know about.

MONDAY, AUGUST 26, 1996
Tom said not to worry, but it’s not that easy. I still fear new shit’s gonna be replacing old shit. If my body felt so out of whack due to an attempted pregnancy, imagine how it’d react if I could’ve gotten pregnant.

I just wish so many things weren’t so slow and confusing. I wish they could just be whatever they were gonna be without such long, drawn-out, weird, and complex build-ups. I mean it’s like, can’t we just get the show on the road? Meaning, if I can get pregnant, can’t I just get pregnant? If I can’t, then must there be all these weird and different body and emotional reactions, and can’t I just feel and function normally down there and overall and get on with my life? All the more I feel like God or just life itself was playing mind games with me. Does everything have to be such a mystery? Can’t anything in life just happen or not happen without any build-ups? Not worrying isn’t that easy for me as I’m not blessed with Tom’s ability to not worry and to not want to understand or analyze things. I wish I had a plan and simple answer to what’s going on and to what will happen, but I know that’s just wishful thinking God wants things I care about or want to be such a big deal with all the build-ups, confusion, and dramatics attached.

Later…

Tom asked me to do an art job for him to use in a game he wants to create on the computer that’s sort of like virtual reality. He wants me to pick a room and draw all 4 walls from close up and from further away. I don’t know if I can do this. I’ve got one wall done at a close-up range, so when he gets up I’ll see if I’m going about it right and giving him what he’s looking for. I know him, though. He’ll be too busy to ever use these drawings if I can do them correctly.

I haven’t heard from Andy tonight, so maybe he got all talked out.

Kim called early in the morning and we finally got our current Bob game down pat. She’s sending him a letter saying I called screaming on her machine about there being some trouble, but she hung up. She’ll also say she’s been trying to get a hold of me to find out what was wrong, but Tom and everyone haven’t heard from me. I’ll hold off all mail to him till after Labor Day, then both Kim and I will write to him as if nothing ever happened. If he asks us about it, we’ll deny knowing anything about it. He should get the letter today or tomorrow.

Yesterday I did up 5 envelopes for Larry with flowers and animals mainly and I’m gonna get working on my own stuff for my sketchbook.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 25, 1996
I was on the phone with Andy for just over two hours. He filled me in on the rest of the trip, but I’ll get into it later. I’m busy doing artwork now.

Later…

Yup, something’s definitely wrong with me. I’m spotting again. This definitely wasn’t a case of my plumbing getting confused. It’s a case of God making the final destruction of my female parts. I knew it, though. I just knew it. It’s time for me to deal with my next long-term punishment. This is perfect timing, too, since Tom began cumming a couple of months ago. Besides, when Jodi really wants something bad, Jodi can’t have it.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 24, 1996
So, Andy says he wasn’t in Springfield for too long and that he no longer gives a shit about his 3 brothers who are just fucked up, whacked out, and are coke heads who don’t give a shit about Andy. He said he had to see them and see how different they are and how screwed up they are and how much they couldn’t care less about him to realize that he’ll never need to cry over them again.

He spent the first night or two at the house he grew up in. He said he didn’t go walking in the woods as he had planned, but that he really enjoyed talking with Garry’s new girlfriend. Garry sleeps in the day and she’s up all night like Andy is, so they hit it off instantly and he said he learned all kinds of sad and embarrassing things about Garry. He says the only thing Garry’s got going for him is that he’s 42, but looks 10 years younger and is handsome and in shape.

The girlfriend, Jenny, is Puerto Rican. Garry only dates blacks and Puerto Ricans, from what I hear. He says Jenny’s very open sexually and was married for 18 years with 2 teenage boys. She and Garry love each other, but she says she’ll never marry Garry. She says they’re just having fun living with each other and having sex and doing coke.

Andy still has no desire to move back there but says he’d probably be great pals with Jenny if he lived there.

He said that the day he arrived, it was beautiful and everything was so green. He knew, though, not to let all that green fool him, for in a matter of months, it’d all be gone and he’d be cold and miserable if he were there.

During his 7 days at the beach, 5 of them were cloudy.

He says he saw all kinds of people we both knew, as well as people he just knew from Springfield. Yes, he saw Charlotte and Jim and Char said she was thrilled to get my letter and loved my artwork and is happy I’m happy.

A funny thing happened with Char. Andy said that as soon as he knocked on her door she jumped out and she gave him a big hug and kiss.

So? She does that all the time to me. Andy said that was her and me, not her and him (true) and said she hasn’t done that since he was little.

What’s the point? I asked. He said not only could he smell booze on her breath, but he knew it was Bacardi Rum, being the bartender that he is at the restaurant where he works. I guess Charlotte was really feeling good and who knows how much she is into drinking? I don’t remember her being an alcoholic, but those things were easily hidden from me as a kid, I wasn’t observant or perceptive, so who knows if she’s an alcoholic?

He says Family Pizza wasn’t the same as he always remembered it to be.

He says he saw Bea and her daughter Michelle who sort of lived behind us and he saw Natalie and Al M. He also named off seeing other people that I believe I remember. I have at least a vague memory of them, anyway. He says most of the people we knew are really aging.

He says he saw two of the Therus kids. One of them, the only son out of the 5, still looks like scummy white trash. I then remembered that I used to stick my tongue out at him constantly and that he one day threatened to rip my tongue out of my mouth and I just stood there laughing.

Here goes my fucking wisdom tooth bothering me again.

Anyway, he had a hard time sleeping there once David, Kelly, and their two kids got there. They’d get up and be louder than hell early in the mornings. That’s families for you and people with kids always think they own the world.

He said he was walking on the beach alone one night and he was dead center on the beach by the shore when that mortal, terrifying vibe came over him. A voice said to him to get home now. Now! So he did and then the voice said to turn off the lights in the cottage and make it look like he was asleep. He never did see anything or anyone, but he says the vibe told him that a serial killer was lurking around and would’ve killed him. He says he knew he’d have killed anyone just for the thrill of it.

One night he met this girl Lisa who was in her late 20s, was there alone and was renting a 3-bedroom cottage for a week at just over $500. That’s a lot of fucking money for a week! She’s a receptionist at a law firm and they hit it off really well. One night he and Lisa and a couple of other teenagers were climbing onto the flat rocks when a female Puerto Rican security guard on that beach asked them to leave. The teenagers left, then Andy showed her his license. Then he explained that he only gets to be there once every two years and that that was Lisa’s first time there and he asked if they could stay a little while. She said sure and she and the dog she had in her truck joined them. They all talked for 2½ hours. Her name was Olivia and he says she was my type. Tall, dark, and feminine.

Andy found out that people in a nearby cottage own those flat rocks and how they bitch about teens having sex on the flat rocks and leaving rubbers and beer cans in that area and their lawn. If someone got hurt on those rocks at night, they’re also liable for that.

Some soap star also lives nearby that Andy said he couldn’t care less about.

So Andy thought it was nice of Olivia and was grateful to her that she kicked off everyone else, but let him and Lisa stay. They talked about all kinds of things. Olivia and her cop husband were from Texas, but they got transferred to the Niantic area.

As Lisa and Andy were walking back to their cottages for the night, Andy told her that he believed there was a purpose for their meeting each other. It turns out that Lisa, like us, always wanted to move far from home, but is very close to her family. Andy told her that if she’s that close to her family, don’t move.

Later…

I got a little dizzy at one point during the night, but feel better now.

Andy never called back, so I guess he fell asleep.

Andy said that while Bea would be standing up on the beach, she’d do what Andy calls a Hollywood pose to show off. I can picture this, too, and I’m anxious to see Andy impersonate her.

He also said Charlotte was really trying hard to cover up and hide her buzz.

According to him, Natalie must be losing her mind cuz she asked Andy 3 different times how life in California was. I wouldn’t know, and Andy would have to remind her that he lives in Arizona.

How fucking nice! Char says my folks played them our wedding video where my hair looked fried, my face looked shitty and I looked 125 pounds. Char says she loved it and I guess Mom and Dad were pointing out the parts they liked. What was Char supposed to do, though? Tell Andy I looked like shit?

Tom’s getting up now, so I guess I’ll call it quits with writing for now.

Later…

Tom told me the secret and yes, it’s a stupid piddly-assed thing. I mean, it’s a nice thing, but it’s something I knew would happen someday and I don’t see why this ever had to be a secret. The grand secret is that in a month our bills will be paid. I knew this when he said his father wanted us to have that money. I swear, his wait on this or that obsession is getting awfully old. The same with his repositioning stuff I deliberately move out of order, while I swear I’ll put stuff back where it goes.

Later…

I feel really bad about something I did to Tom earlier. When I got up I was a bit tight and wheezy and he was on the phone giving computer advice to who I thought was Wendy and I thought, here we go again. She’s gonna use him for free advice and interrupt our time together.

Then I went into the kitchen and when I sat down to eat there were shitloads of pie crust crumbs on my chair and all over the floor, so I started bitching. He then got off the phone and I started chewing him out and asking why he didn’t offer to whack my back or make me coffee if he heard me wheezing and hacking up a storm. He said he had gestured to me in case I needed anything, but I didn’t see him. Also, he’d been talking to Carla. Someone he used to work with at AMEX and he was bummed out for a few reasons. He had said he didn’t think it was a bad time to take the call since I was asleep and he didn’t know when I was getting up.

He also felt like he’d lost a dream cuz he wants to work with computers and you have to build up a clientele somehow. He says, though, he knows I didn’t do it on purpose, that he wasn’t trying to judge me, and that it’s done and over with. Well, on purpose or not, I still feel really guilty and I shouldn’t have jumped the gun, but I’ll get mine. If God doesn’t punish me, he will. He swears he won’t, but we’ve been through similar situations before. Consciously or subconsciously, he’ll move shit in the house out of order, pick a fight with me or make sure we don’t have sex too often.

I offered to put off the kid he swears is possible for another month or two to punish me, but he says that’d be punishing him also, cuz that’s his dream, too. Yeah, well, I still wouldn’t be surprised if there was no “opportunity” to have sex during my next mid-cycle. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was back to his old ways sexually. Yes, I feel that worry again, cuz this morning we had sex in his favorite position and he never came. He still says don’t worry. I’ll be pregnant in a month. He’s sure of it and that’s the truth, he says. He also says his cumming isn’t always gonna be predictable or something he can control. I had a slight flicker of a light vibe that told me I’d have no period or spots next month, but that seems physically, technically, logically, and scientifically impossible. Tom disagrees with me, but I had an idea of at least one thing that could’ve held him off at cumming all that time. I’ve thought of this several times, but here’s why it seems more of a certainty to me. When we were first married, we were fine financially, but almost right afterward we were broke till recently. Well, we agreed to wait on a kid when we first married, but I find it more than a coincidence that he starts cumming when we’re the best off financially since being married. I understand this, though. It makes sense. I also think God has almost all couples broke their first two years or so of marriage to test their relationships.

I asked Tom if the reason why he didn’t tell me he thought my body would react this way and spot was so I wouldn’t have it playing on my mind. He said, yes. That’s cool. I’ll bet he wouldn’t tell me if he thought I was pregnant till a doctor confirmed that, but that’s cool too, and understandable.

Andy did fall asleep last night at midnight but will be calling later. He won’t be coming over tonight cuz Tom says he’s got to wait and see if he needs those forms notarized.

Tom still says everything will work out the way we want. I hope so. I haven’t been feeling bad, but not too great either. No spots or cramps, but physically and mentally I feel like I’ve got PMS and right on the brink of ragging.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 23, 1996
I’ve got the rest of the movie taping. It’s on Cinemax where there are no commercials, but this way I can zap out any boring parts.

Yes, all’s still fine with next door. So fine, that I fear they’re getting ready to move and soon enough I’ll have to go through the same old shit with new neighbors. I just hope to hell they don’t have some kind of plan. Maybe they said to each other, “Let’s be as quiet as we can for a while, then just when they think we’re gonna stay that way, we’ll raise holy hell.”

It’ll take time for me to not worry as much about them, but the bulk of the worry’s gone, thanks to Tom.

So, that’s it. That’s why the scale says I’m only 100 pounds when I’m so damn bloated. I’ll bet the battery is dying. I’m sure I’m really about 106 pounds.

Later…

Well, I guess Andy will be calling me any minute to tell me all about his trip. I just left him a message to call me when he can, but he or Laura was on the phone.

Tom set up my old speakers to the stereo, so now I’ve got 4 speakers once again. Now it’ll hopefully sound better and a bit more powerful. That was really sweet of him. I’m so glad to have such a brainy hubby.

The spotting has stopped. It kind of stopped last night. This is the first period where I needed no Ibuprofens or big pads in about 10 years.

I’m still really worried about taking on any full-time responsibilities and any changes, due to my schedule problem, but I’m still sure enough that I won’t ever have to worry about that. I used to worry really bad about my teeth, so sure that I’d be a singer, and I just didn’t want to embarrass myself by being a singer with crooked yellow teeth. So what I’m saying is, I learned not to worry over nothing, if I can help it, and also things that are still unlikely to happen or that I don’t know if they could even happen.

On September 15th, it’ll be 28 days since I began spotting, so we’ll see if next month’s spots are the same and on time or not.

I had a funny idea that had me giggling. No, I’m sure I won’t be doing this, cuz no one’s worth it. Certainly not Tammy and my folks, but what if I participated in the depths of their exaggerations, and twisting things around and even their lies? I think they still do tell bigger lies here and there. We all tell occasional white lies. Like I told them I’m dancing to get them off my ass, but I’m talking about constant bullshit or really twisting things around and hyping things up. Like I said, this is just something that I imagine, but what if I surprised Tammy and Mom and Dad with any more letters I may send them if I do? I could say something in Tammy’s letter like, oh, I didn’t know you got pissed off at Mom so bad one day that you ran out of the house stark naked when you were 18. And in my parent’s letter, I could say, I didn’t know you guys used to constantly talk about taking out a huge insurance policy on me, then whacking me off. Then, of course, they’ll go jump on the phone to each other and say, “How dare you say that! This is bullshit!”

Later…

Andy told me lots of stuff about his vacation and says he still has lots more to tell. He’s gonna call me back later and then he’ll tell me more stuff and I’ll tell him about the spotted period and how this ordeal made me go from 100% sure I can’t get pregnant to 90% sure I can’t get pregnant. He says no problem with coming over tomorrow night to sign the form for Tom.

Also, he still wants to read my journals. I can’t believe I said this, but I said I’d let him read the typed versions, but he’s not to tell Tom. I told him too, that once he read my journals, he’ll see that nothing he could say or do or write would be as embarrassing as my journals.

I’m gonna run out of room in this journal, so I’ll write in as much as I can, then jump to the next journal to finish off all about Andy’s trip. So, here are the highlights of Andy’s trip, since I know he’d love for me to document it.

Here’s something that’s pretty ironic, for starters. Back when I was younger and more concerned about what others thought of me and wished someone would put out good words for me, no one did. But now that I couldn’t care less, Andy’s running around the beach doing this big ‘Jodi Promotion’ thing. It’s nice to know that he cared enough to, though. I mean it was nice of him to tell people he wishes they could see me now, my life’s the exact opposite of when I was back east, I’m such a good artist, etc. I’m glad he and Tammy didn’t get to talk long since she was busy. That way she didn’t get a chance to cry all over his shoulder about anything going on with me or the family. That’s my job to do with Andy when I feel like it. Guess I’m not totally innocent of bitching to others, too, about problems I have with others. I think the difference is that I still go to the source first and I don’t say I got hung up on when I was the one that hung up on whoever.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 22, 1996
I’m almost done reading the Amy Fisher story I borrowed from Mom. This girl did very wrong, and deserves to be locked up with the key thrown away, but she sure was fucked over and taken advantage of. All the people involved are classic examples of how dishonest, complex, contradicting, lying, exaggerating, and desperate for attention people are. The world is so much into opposite doing. You tell the world right; the world goes left.

I had another weird, yet funny bird dream last night. We moved, and there was a big hole in the bedroom screen of the window. Maybe 6 inches wide. Tom said he didn’t feel like fixing it right away, so I went to bed with a can of Raid by the bed. Somehow, either we moved the birds over there with us, or they followed us and as I lay there on my way to sleep, I thought to myself how I was curious to see where the birds would choose their eating spot to be.

So as I was waking up when the sun was halfway up, the birds flew in through the window one by one. They flew from the bedroom to the kitchen and I said, “Oh, so this is where you guys want to be fed, huh?”

As I threw seeds for them all over the kitchen floor I said, “Shit! I shouldn’t have done that cuz I don’t want to always have to step around seeds, pull seeds from under appliances, and have the floor all dutied up and now it’s too late. I can never get them out of here now.”

Later…

I wonder if Andy’s back yet. I’m glad my friend’s back or is on his way back, but boy is he gonna be desperate to catch up on his long phone convos! Yuck! He still loves to live on the phone.

Tammy got the bird pictures today along with my letter. She didn’t get into my letter, gladly enough, cuz I’m sick of it and my days of heavy-duty and heated phone conversations or letters are over with as far as my family back east goes. We heard each other out and that’s it.

We got a real kick-ass dust storm at around 4 PM. One of my birds was trying to fly and it looked so funny cuz his wings were flapping, but he wasn’t going anywhere. Not till he turned around and rode with the wind onto the patio where I gave him some seeds. I know birds can sense when a storm is coming, but I guess they can’t sense those sudden dust storms. I hope they’re all OK.

I guess Tom got tired of figuring and speculating about what was going on with me. He says he doesn’t know and has no guesses or ideas about it. He doesn’t like it when I say anything with certainty, yet I do feel almost certain that my body simply got confused and couldn’t get pregnant and couldn’t kick in a regular period, either. I’m still a little watery and my boobs are a little sore, but the spotting has stopped. I’m still sure (I can say whatever I want in here and as often without annoying anyone) that my next period will either be the same or heavier.

Poor Tom overdid today. He trimmed the hell out of the Palo Verde tree out front which hasn’t been trimmed in ages. He conked out a short while ago.

Later…

Oh, yuck! I am so bloated right now, it’s pitiful. The weird thing about it is that I’m only 100 pounds yet I feel 120 pounds.

I realized something about these journals. Guess I don’t ever have to worry about anyone ever reading them, dead or alive, cuz most people hate repetition. Well, there’s certainly enough in here! That I will admit. I wonder what the next long-term, weird, unique issue I’m going to have to deal with for at least two or more years will be.

Robin tried to come by last night, so to speak. She was crying, it seemed, begging me to forgive her for being wrong about next door. She said she would never tell me anything in the future without consulting with God first, for a guarantee of what she says. She also says that she knows I’ve had my curiosities and questions lately, then she goes on to say she won’t give details, but that this time, there’s a very, very very, very excellent chance I’m pregnant. Uh-huh, right. Go away, I told her. Just go away. Whatever’s gonna happen or not happen is gonna be for me to see and find out on my own. Not what she or anyone else says.

Well, Tom’s got 24 days left to tell me what this big secret of his was. I’ve had my ideas, but am still stumped as to what it could be. My guess is a trip to California or some kind of trip, cuz it’s coming up on his vacation time. It better not be, “Guess what? We can go see your family now!”

No fucking way. That’s OK. I’ll pass. If they ever want to come out here, fine. But I ain’t going there and that includes everyone I know there back east from my parents to Tammy and Larry and Kim. If anyone wants to see me, they’re gonna have to find a way to get out here.

Piggy really, really loves his water bowl. He drinks out of it constantly and he loves his new salt spool, too.

Well, I think I’ll go finish up that Amy Fisher book now. Tomorrow I’ll do some more envelopes up for Larry and maybe some drawings of my own, too, in my sketchbook.

Later…

I didn’t finish the Amy book, but I came close. I’ll finish it later or tomorrow. In a little while, I’m gonna watch TV. That is if the reception’s any good. For now, it’s more computer games.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 21, 1996
Right after I wrote how the spotting stopped, I had more. On and off my body still feels like it does right before my period. Tom still says everything’s OK, don’t worry, it’s just the body trying to get used to the change and trying to get pregnant. I think it’s a little late for that this month, but Kim told me something rather interesting. She said it’s very rare, but she’s known and heard of women getting all their periods during pregnancy. She says, though, that it is fairly common for women to get 2-3 periods after conceiving as the body can’t always make the instant change, like mine, and the hormone levels don’t always settle in right away. She said if the uterus lining has given off blood in the uterus, it can’t contain itself, it has to flow out and no, it won’t flush out a fetus. Not unless it’s gushing or there’s some other problem with the fetus that’s causing the bleeding.

She also says I’m right, I’m probably not pregnant now, but on my way. You do never know, though, she says.

True, that this experience has sparked a ray of hope in me, but I gotta watch out. What if I’m being the same old sucker I was with Scott, the singing, and all kinds of other things? Am I just getting my hopes up for nothing as seems to be the case with almost everything I really want? I just don’t want to go back to being that hurt little sucker, who dreamt silly and impossible dreams for nothing. Is God up there with a teasing grin on his face, just waiting to snatch this dream away with such unthinkable finality? Is he just waiting for the joke to be on me, so he can laugh like hell with an I-told-you-so and a you-should’ve-known-better attitude?

I best forget it for now, till and if anything happens, and keep it as pushed out of my mind as possible till I find out for sure whether I really can or cannot get pregnant.

Later…

The people next door have still been quiet. Thank God. Thank God a million times over, as it really lifts the stress off me.

I’m spotting again. Tom said don’t worry. He says my period can be anything but normal this month, and then after that, too, till it exists no more. He said if it had been normal, then he’d worry. I have a feeling, though. If I can and do get pregnant, I can’t see myself getting pregnant, having no bleeding or spots during pregnancy, then having regular periods after the baby’s born. I see myself spotting throughout the pregnancy (maybe by the 3rd or 4th month it’d stop) then slowly regaining a normal period cycle after birth. I know that’s common as the body can’t just instantly adapt to major changes. After my period returned after the near 3 years I didn’t get them, they returned slowly. I had 4 lights ones a year, then in a couple of years, they were normal. I’d think they’d start up faster than that, though, as 3 years is a much longer time for the body to be out of the practice of getting periods than 9 months is. My periods will also probably be heavier like they were in my teens, due to the fact that I’ll be fat. I sure was fat as a teenager.

Well, enough of that for now, cuz for all I know, nothing’s ever gonna change or happen. It’s too soon to know anything for sure and you know I’m not gonna be anybody’s fool or sucker. Not God’s, not myself, not nobody’s.

Andy will be back tomorrow. I have no idea what time, though.

Tom got forms for the mortgage extension and I’ve gotta see if Andy will sign it for him as a witness to Tom’s signature.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 20, 1996
Yesterday I got a Little House on the Prairie video. I forgot all about that.

It looks like the spotting is over with. So all in all, I had about 10-15 spots no bigger than a nickel. Some were much smaller. Tom doesn’t know if I could be pregnant and I say I’m definitely not. It still seems logical to me that those spots had to wash anything out that could’ve started growing in there. I think that what happened with us trying to get me pregnant is that my body got confused, the hormones went wacko and it couldn’t take to the egg and sperm, nor could it kick in a period. My guess is that next month, either on time or later, I’ll either have the same old spots or more of a period. Last night I totally felt just like I do a day before my period. I felt some pre-cramps and I was so bloated and my tits were sore. Today I’ve felt the least watery, there have been no cramps and my tits are better. I’m not surprised, cuz my body thinks it’s supposed to be ending its period. About 3-4 days after my period begins, is when it tapers off dramatically. So maybe, just maybe, if God permits and he cums, it’ll take the kid and completely let go of any spots, let alone a period, but who knows? I wish I could know for sure what the hell’s going on and what will go on, but it’s something that we have to wait out.

In just a couple more days, Andy will be back. I expect he’ll want to be on the phone with me for quite a while. That’s OK, even though I’m not into long phone chats anymore, cuz I do want to hear all about his vacation and what he did and who he saw.

What did we have last night? Well, of course, we had a power failure. It didn’t last long, though, thank God. About 20 minutes. I’m sure there’ll be another in a couple of days.

Later…

I just called Larry at his work number and we chatted for a few minutes. Instead of getting me to laugh by telling me it was 40º, he said he was having trouble getting his trucks out of MA and CT due to the snow and ice.

I didn’t know Larry’s business was in CT. I thought it was near their house in MA.

Then Larry said, “Hang on. I’ve got someone here that wants to talk to you.”

Then I heard him say, “Take the phone in there, Jen.”

Oh no, I thought. Don’t put Jenny C on the phone, but it was his daughter, thankfully. So we chatted for a few minutes and she still says she’s working on drawings and a letter for me. I’ll be looking forward to it, I told her.

I’m still a bit ticked off when I think of Mom and Dad and Tammy, but especially Mom and Dad. I think they’ll always complain about me, no matter what I say or do. Nothing’s ever good enough for them. Especially mom, who has no tolerance for anyone who isn’t exactly like her. You have to be a carbon copy of her to get along with her. Or if you’re not a spitting image of her, you better kiss her ass if you want to get along with her.

I asked Tom what he thought about my folks discussing problems they have with me with others. He said maybe they just really needed to talk about it. Yeah, he has a point that I can relate to. I really needed to talk to Kim, Tammy, then Andy about when he wouldn’t cum and when I thought he was bullshitting me about wanting/having a kid.

Sometimes I think to myself, whatever’s been said and done in the past is over with. You know and understand yourself and what you should or shouldn’t say or do either now or in the past, so let it go and just deal with them as they are. Other times I just want to dump the whole family cuz I really don’t need their shit. I’ve been dealing with these people for too long. I wonder if it’s really wise to continue to do so simply cuz we’re related. It’s caused way more harm than good. All I need to deal with is Tom. Not these big-mouthed, lying, exaggerating, negative people who want to pit each other against me and bitch about me constantly.

No, I won’t share my music or art with them anymore, cuz if I can’t share it with those who appreciate it, I’d rather just share it with myself. I try to do stuff for them like a drawing here and there cuz it’s a personally made thing from me to them, but that’s just such a problem with them. Can’t they say to themselves, “Some drawings are nice, some aren’t, but it’s her thoughts and efforts that count.”

Obviously not, therefore I can’t be bothered to deal with people like that. Well, like I told them, they’ll no longer ever hear one word about it.

It burns me up, though, to know that if we did have a kid, I’d want to write to them all about it as it grows, but they wouldn’t want to hear it. What kind of parent does that to their kids by putting such conditions on them, and just what can I write about? What can I tell them about my life or my interests? I may as well go buy blank cards and write: Hi. How are you? Tom and I are fine. The weather’s nice and I hope you both are doing well. Take care and let me know how things are with you. Love, Jodi Lin.

Then send one out every month. It’s like they just want to know that I exist but not what’s going on in my life unless it’s stuff like the weather. It’s like to them, hearing about the same things that make me happy, is just as bad as if I were still getting into trouble.

I’m just tired of them and their ways. I hate people who won’t let others be themselves and I’m tired of them ganging up on me together, making me feel like I’m not good enough, they’ve always got a problem with me and I’m sick of explaining or defending myself to them. I don’t need it. A part of me is sorry I sent that letter telling them how I feel. They don’t want to hear it. All they want is for me to hear how they feel and for me to be what they want me to be. I’m not gonna deal with them at 30 years old and 3000 miles away.

Larry and I both know we’ve done stuff to each other in the past that wasn’t very nice, but as I told him, at least there’s another family member (besides Tom and his family) who’s funny, sane, easygoing, and who doesn’t have a big mouth and judge people by their old ways, mistakes and faults. He’s not intense like Tammy is and you don’t feel all this tension revolving around him and he doesn’t put up a front about a lot of things like Tammy and Mom and Dad do. With Larry and his family, I feel comfortable and I can be myself. He doesn’t get on my ass about the things that interest me, my clothes, etc. Well, when I think of Tammy and Mom and Dad, it’s best to look at their brighter sides. Like how they helped get me out here.

Later…

I just came in from a swim. The pool is still quite nice, and I think the yellow jackets have mellowed out. I haven’t seen one after another for a couple of weeks. I can swim without so much fear now. This is good cuz I thought they wouldn’t go away till mid-September.

I just hope to hell next door stays quiet and doesn’t say, what the fuck, and blast their way in and out. If having power failures every week had to be my compensation for them being quiet, fine.

Later…

Tom picked up a lovely treat for me on his way home from work today. Chinese food. I cooked him pork chops and potatoes.

I just wrote Tom a little love note as after dealing with my family, I can really then see how lucky I am to have someone like him who accepts me as I am.

I wrote: Thanks for loving me so much and letting me be me. For once I am loved and safe from abuse or isolation. It’s like a fairytale/fantasy come true. I always wanted someone like you (I just thought it’d be a woman) to sweep me off my feet and love me so. I also always wanted someone I could love as much as I love you. Yup, we’re one in millions and I believe our love will never die and the flame will never burn out. Maybe God really doesn’t hate me that much. Well, I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you and being a parent with you!

Later…

Kim called today and I had an interesting chat with her, but I’ll write up on it later. For now, I want to play computer games till a movie I want to see comes on.

MONDAY, AUGUST 19, 1996
Boy have I got all kinds of things to write about. I’m gonna try to get the little stuff out of the way first.

We didn’t get the sound blocks or back room done as I didn’t think we would, but that’s OK. We still had a very fun and productive weekend. There also hasn’t been a peep out of next door, which is wonderful. Tom got the patio done and it looks great. He also did lots of yard work and the backyard looks the best it ever has.

Yesterday we went over to Mom’s, but she was still at Mary’s. I did the dishes for her and Tom set up some new memory on her computer.

Later I spoke to Ma at Mary’s to see how she was feeling. She thanked me for helping her out, too.

Andy called collect yesterday from his uncle’s farm 10 minutes away from Tammy’s house. He wanted her number. He didn’t go over, but they chatted for a couple of minutes.

I also finished all 4 of the poster boards and have them hanging up in the music room. They’re all of different flowers.

We got pictures of the birds I took and they amazingly came out. I didn’t think they would. There was one great one of Tom and two shitty ones of me. My body looked OK in the pictures, but my face was terrible. Seeing the birds on my lap and me patting them was really cool and I sent some to my parents and Tammy with letters enclosed. We also got a computer disk of the pictures and they look a bit grainy but are still really cool looking to see the pictures on the computer. We can print some out too, once we get a new color ribbon.

Later…

OK, I just straightened up in here, so now I can get into other things and I think I’ve covered all the smaller things.

Tom told me that he always thought my body would react to us trying to get me pregnant by this period being late, the next one being later, and then no more, as the body gets used to the changes. He said he’d have been a bit discouraged if I’d gotten a typical period last Saturday right on time, as I thought would be the case.

Well, I’ve had a totally different experience, and this is really weird. My last period was super light and easy and this one’s been virtually non-existent. I’ve only had a few light spots that I wiped off. So, I haven’t needed any pads or tampons at all. I know that I can’t be pregnant and that all it takes is a few spots, such as I’ve had, to flush anything growing in there out, but I wonder if anything’s wrong with me. I hope not.

I wore liners yesterday and the day before figuring I’d bleed enough, but today I haven’t had anything on and still don’t need anything yet. Now, you know, that even if I’d had a regular enough period starting two days ago, I’d still have much more than a few small spots and I’d still need pads or tampons. I haven’t had shit for pre-symptoms, cramps and bloating. My tits are a bit sore, but I’ve been holding steady at 100 pounds.

Just as I figured, Mom and Dad did cry to Tammy all about me and all kinds of other things, but here’s the shocking part. Tammy said she never expected or thought for an instant that this day would come. She told me that Ma admitted to being a rotten mother, etc. She says she and Ma had a wonderful talk about all kinds of things from her parents to everything else that went on in the family’s lives. She says ma’s smoking again and that she was crying so hysterically that they couldn’t calm her down. Dad’s eyes were watering too, and that’s only the second time I’ve ever known his eyes to water. I don’t even know if the guy has ever cried at all.

So Tom was right. They really do feel bad about the hospitals and pushing me away and having me drugged up, though it doesn’t change anything. Shockingly, my parents and I agree that yes, I was a bit wild as a kid, but they should’ve been more positive and not pushed me away, yes, I shouldn’t have been drugged, but I don’t fully blame them. Like I told them, they trusted the word of an expert, as far as what to do with me, and it’s not their fault or mine that we were brainwashed. Also, the staff of Brattleboro and Valleyhead did the shit to me they did on their own. Mom and Dad didn’t tell them to. The important thing is that we all recognize where we went wrong and are trying to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

I guess my parents got the wrong idea in my last letter to them. I wasn’t trying to be mean or hurt them with how I said I needed to be able to be myself, I was just trying to be honest. Also, I wasn’t saying that I was gonna necessarily permanently dump them. I just needed to back off for a while. I asked Tammy if she ever felt I or someone else got on her nerves and she just needed to back off for a while.

“No, I don’t do that, never did, never thought about it, never wanted to,” is what she said.

Oh. I didn’t know she loved me that much and we’re quite different as people. I thought I was someone she could basically take or leave.

Mom and Dad’s basic problem with me is that they don’t want to hear so much about kids, singing, hair, or weight. She says they said they want to know if there’s a problem, and that if I have a kid, that’s wonderful, they’re happy that singing and other things make me happy, but I guess this is the area that I disagree with my family on. How are words harming anyone, unless they’re abusive? I know most people aren’t like me and Tom who couldn’t care less what people say and how often they say it, but wouldn’t they rather hear the same happy things 100 times a day, rather than a bad thing once? This is the part I don’t get. If they’re happy that something makes me happy, then where’s the problem? They say they want to hear about what’s going on in my life. Well, if I can’t tell them that, what can I tell them? I try to ask them questions about their lives, but if I don’t get any answers, I can’t help that. I’ve never stopped them from talking to me as they seem to feel.

They say that they went to Tammy about our problems cuz they didn’t think they could talk to me. That’s no excuse to drag her into it. She has enough problems of her own and I always believed that if you have a problem with someone, you should go to the source, not someone else.

I know I have a problem with interrupting them a lot, but it’s only cuz I may want to respond to something they’ve said before I forget. I am a very perceptive person, but sometimes it’s hard for me to stay focused in a conversation and it’s easier for me to break up a conversation into chunks. You know how ADD works. I feel like they not only interrupt me, too, left and right but that I can’t even say my piece if they don’t want to hear it and I don’t think that’s very fair.

Tom gave me some advice that I think is very good. I asked him how he thought I could go about associating with them without feeling like I have to be self-conscious and not be able to be myself and talk about things that interest me as well, without hurting or annoying them. He said that while it wouldn’t hurt to not be so repetitious, he also feels that if I write something to them that is boring or whatever they have the perfect right to not read it. Well, I know I’ve always been repetitious and that’s my nature, but I’ll try not to be as repetitious with them from now on. I’ll try to keep my letters as brief and as impersonal as I can, but I need to be accepted as me, too.

I’ll probably be obsessed with my weight and hair forever to a degree. As for the singing obsession, well, that ended about 6 years ago when I realized that I didn’t want to deal with the lifestyle that goes with that, I’m not a people person and I don’t like liars and false promises. The kid obsession, I think I outgrew that about a month or two before he started cumming. I wish we never went through that weird sex life we had and that I could’ve always dealt with my beliefs concerning a kid, but we got through it together, Tom and I.

This is one of the many reasons I love Tom so much. OK, I know I get on his nerves here and there, I’m not perfect, but for the most part, I can be myself and say whatever I need to and as often as I need to. We know I’d rather talk a lot or a little about a problem and deal with it, rather than keep it bottled up and go do something stupid.

As I told my folks, I know no parents are perfect, I’m not perfect and we’ve all done things in the past that we regret. I’m glad my mother has realized her mistakes and that she didn’t have to be just like her mother was. I hope she’ll be more positive towards others and easier to talk to and will talk more. Maybe if I send pictures, for example, she won’t just say that she got them. I hope she’d say something, even if it was to tell me she hated them. Also, maybe she’ll expand on the yes or no answers she gives me when I ask about her and Dad’s life.

Meanwhile, I’ll try to cut down the reps and not tell any more stupid lies like we need money for an abortion. I should’ve just told her flat out we were broke and needed money. Not made up a stupid lie. Tammy did say that she said I apologized for that lie and that I do tell them how much I appreciate them getting me out here. Oh yeah, I know when they’ve helped me and I’m grateful for that.

Hopefully, we’ll find a way to get along while we can all feel that we can still be ourselves and be accepted for who and what we are. I think I’ve got a damn good handle on what my faults and flaws are and am trying to better myself and not repeat any old mistakes I’ve made with myself or with anyone else. For the most part, I’m still happy with who and what I am and my husband and I are what counts the most. I can only go so far to please others, but my husband and I are a different story. I just hope that my family will not judge other family members so much by their past ways and that they won’t exaggerate or twist things people say or do as much. I always felt, and still do, that my sister and parents have a little obsession of their own and that’s that they seem to really want to hang onto that image of me being immature, a liar, and just a nutty wacky bitch. I don’t think they realize that I’ve mellowed out quite a bit over the years and that I’m really not that bad to know and live with. I may be unique in several ways, but at the same time I’m really just your average person and I can’t help what they don’t know or understand about me. Or don’t want to know or understand about me and I told them this. I also told them, that in the end, it’s up to them to believe and feel whatever it is they wish to and that I don’t think I should defend, explain or express myself too much if I can help it. I don’t think that’s something I should put myself through, I don’t owe them that and they don’t owe me anything either. Just basic respect is all.

Tammy admits we do joke about my split ends and stuff like that and that’s OK. Yeah, I told her God saved her from that catfish to hear about my split ends, although on the serious side, I’m sorry she went through such a scary ordeal.

Tammy mentioned seeing Marty and Ruth and that she wanted to know if I had their address to send them a thank you card for clothes they got the kids while they were there. Now I knew better. I didn’t mention it cuz I didn’t feel like getting into it and it’s my business, but I know she really wanted to see if I’d bring up my letter to them and I know she knows about it. If they gave the kids clothes while she was there, she could’ve thanked them in person.

Tom straightened up the back room quite a bit.

Evelyn gave me some more paper that I’m using for drafts.

I guess that covers everything for now. I’ll write more later and add anything I may have forgotten.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 17, 1996
I don’t feel too cool today. Instead of the cramps I expected to wake up with, I’ve got or recently had nausea, rapid heartbeat, gas (but am not constipated) and am a bit sluggish. I dunked myself in the pool and ate, so I’ll be feeling better soon.

Tom’s at Evelyn’s now and should be home in a few hours.

Later…

I spoke to Bill a couple of hours ago and they had a wonderful time, but he says the last few days were shitty. It rained like hell for the last 3 days, Bill doesn’t feel well, Lisa got bit by ants and Tammy got very sick by eating catfish. She was at the doctor’s when I called.

I called back and a little while ago and she said there’s no date set yet for surgery for her thyroid, but she’s busy unpacking, does need to talk to me, so call back at 6:30 their time.

Let me guess, it’s gonna be all about Mom and Dad. Well, I’m just gonna tell her they shouldn’t have dumped any problems they have with me on her, she shouldn’t get involved in our problems, cuz she’s got enough of her own and I just want to hear about their trip in general.

I asked Bill if ma drove them crazy. Naturally, she did. Bill says overall she was good, he knows her way is her way, but she was quite a nag to them all. He says he certainly wasn’t crazy about staying there and told her that.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 16, 1996
I can’t believe Tammy never called from Mom and Dad’s. Too bad they never sent us postcards. I can only imagine just how much Mom and Dad cried on Tammy’s shoulder all about how horrible I am.

Tom installed a really neat package of software yesterday. It has several schemes for appearance. In the control panel’s settings is where you change all your fonts and colors for different functions. There’s this 60s theme with a tie-dye wallpaper and a really cool screensaver built into it that swirls around whatever’s on the screen. Its main colors are a soft lilac purple with bright green highlighting.

So, I reset my colors, fonts, and sounds, but I’ll need Tom’s help to reset my icons.

Tom says that next door has been there and that his regular car, which has been a Jeep lately, has been there. The weekend will really show if there’ll be any change at all in their music volume.

When I went out to clip my mail up, a girl I’ve seen before was by the side of the house. She may be babysitting. Anyway, I said, “Hi” and she said, “Hi, how are you?” I said, “Good,” then came back in.

Also, I was wrong when I said Tom said I’d know the secret in a month. He really meant within a month. He better make all this waiting worth it. It better not turn out to be something stupid or that there never was a secret.

Later…

Shortly after Tom came home, we went to his mom’s house. No one was there. She’s still staying with Mary after having her hand operated on. Ma’s been feeling OK, but she hates wearing a cast. Who doesn’t? I should remember. And I wasn’t free to move my arm from the shoulder as there was no way I could. My arm was strapped to my body.

Tom spoke to her over the phone and he said he could hear a note of disappointment in her voice that she missed seeing me. I always enjoy seeing her. We were over there for about 3 hours, so if next door came booming in, we’ll never know. He edged and mowed the backyard and I vacuumed.

He says that yes, she did receive a card from my folks.

On the way back home, we stopped at a drive-through for KFC. The drive-through at the place he likes was mobbed, so we came home, ate, and went for a swim.

We screwed after swimming. Neither of us came during the fucking part, but I did once he ate me out.

I was surprised at what he said afterward, cuz it’s something he always said not to worry about and not to tell him back when he never came. He said, “I’m disappointed you didn’t cum while we were screwing. I think if you had cum, I’d have cum.”

Well, I think he’ll cum during the weekend, but I think it was just too late in the day for him. He’d gotten up early and had a long hard day of work. He’ll be at Evelyn’s (of course, as he now works 6 days a week), from about 7:30 AM - 2:30 PM, but I’ll be asleep during more of that. Hopefully, he’ll still have some life left in him after she gets through with him, though.

He says he plans on getting the sound blocks, the back room and patio done during the weekend. All in almost half a weekend? This I gotta see.

I also got all caught up on my sleep and slept the best I have all week, just like Tom said I would. In fact, I slept on and off for 14 hours.

I reminded him that we should screw more often and that once or twice during ovulation times wasn’t gonna do it, if he’s right about my being fertile. I understand and know, though, that a lot’s been going on. If things ever settle down and stay that way for a while, we’ll just have to wait and see how motivated he is and how important it is to him.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 15, 1996
Boy have we been cursed! God still isn’t done having a field day with me, that’s for sure. As I was going to bed yesterday at around 4 or 5 PM, the box fan that I sleep with in the bedroom burned out. So, Tom rescued me by buying another. All seemed fine then, and then I conked out only to wake up almost two hours later to this incredible banging. Naturally, I thought it was next door and told myself, well, here’s where Tom’s right about it getting worse, so just get used to it, cuz there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it. I couldn’t sleep through it, though, so I got up and found out it wasn’t them at all. We had a killer monsoon storm and Tom thought it was a tornado at first. It tossed another piece of the roof rafter into the pool, threw the garbage can over, ripped one of my flags off, and tossed around some equipment that he had at the side of the house.

Of course, it had to knock the power out for 3½ hours, too. During the power failure, I thought for sure they’d come flying out to jump into their van to get some AC and use this occasion as an excuse to pummel the bass right through these walls, but luckily for them, they never did, cuz I swear I’d have taken a hammer to them and their damn van. In fact, we haven’t heard a peep out of them for nearly 4 days now. This is too good to be true. What’s the catch? Well, I don’t think it’s a case of our request finally sinking through his young, ripe, thick skull, I think it’s a case of them not being home. They had to have taken off somewhere, cuz these aren’t the kinds of people that take others into consideration.

From about 11 PM to just after 4 AM, I slept but then woke up cuz I was wheezing. After I settled that down really quick and with his help, I tried going back to bed for a couple more hours, but couldn’t, so I’m a bit tired today. Nothing too bad, though.

I’m sitting here with my cat mug which I really love so much. I can’t wait for Andy to see my new cat/doggie mugs, journals, and stereo.

Tom says that I’ll know the secret in a month. Mid-September, he says. He said it’s really not that big of a deal and that I might be let down, but still happy enough about it. He says he thinks I’d be even happier about it if I knew what it was right away, but that due to my making a big deal out of it, it won’t seem as nice. Me? Make a big deal out of it? I think it was he who did that since he had to keep it a secret. Besides, if it’s not that big a deal, then why has he been so secretive about it? He swears it’s not a trip, we’re not moving and it’s got nothing to do with anyone else but us. He says it won’t be as exciting as it’d be if I found out I was pregnant. I’m sure it’s some stupid piddly-ass thing. It’s just this waiting game he likes to play to try to instill patience in me.

Well, rather than sit around and worry about what’s gonna wake me up in the next day or two, and when the next power failure will be, I think I will go try to nap out for a while.

Later…

This new lotion by Jergen that Tom got me is a miracle and a half. Most lotions are worthless, but this stuff’s great. After going swimming for a good half-hour, my skin still feels so soft and like I just lotioned up. It’s a real necessity in this dry climate, even though it hasn’t been too dry out here lately.

I hope Charlotte and Jim are at the beach. Andy sounded like he wasn’t too sure if they were there or not. He said one of their sons came over. I wonder if Andy will hear about the letter I sent to Char and Jim?

I think I figured out a couple of things about my parents. Well, you know how they were so worried when I knew Ron that if I had a kid, it’d come out as fucked up as I was physically and mentally? My parents and Charlotte and Jim have been great friends for eons, so if Jim and his son really have mental problems, as I’ve heard, maybe my folks have been looking at that as an example. Maybe they think that their son is screwed up cuz of Jim and assume that that’d be the case with me if I had had a kid. Also, according to my mother, she was guilty about the DES and ear of mine till I hit my teens. Tom and I were able to find out that the DES has nothing to do with my ear. He thinks that my ear’s due to ma smoking while she was pregnant with me. I disagree, or else Tammy and Larry would be fucked up, too, and I still think that’s all hype and just another way to get people to stop doing something that’s unhealthy. Well, if we could find out that my ear wasn’t related to the DES, didn’t ma know? Maybe Ma was just guilty about the ear and not the DES. If she was guilty about the DES, cuz of its higher cancer-causing risks and sterility risks, then maybe the reason why she stopped being guilty about the sterility part when I was in my teens, wasn’t just cuz she realized it wasn’t her fault, but also cuz by my teens, was supposedly when they were starting to see what a loser they thought I’d be forever, and therefore should never have kids, anyway.

If Tom’s little secret isn’t just a nothing thing, then maybe it is a trip or something else he said it wasn’t just to throw me off. He said it had nothing to do with sex, but maybe he will come out and tell me he did hold off on cumming till now. Who knows?

I put the monkey bar up just outside the back-room windows, hanging from the rafter beams, but so far, those dumb birds have ignored it.

I guess these journals of mine have gotten quite boring lately. Well, if Tom’s so sure that they’ll be read someday, either by him or this kid we’re supposed to have, then maybe I should write some pretty strange and wacky stuff, just to give that person their entertainment’s worth. That’s OK. There are quite enough events of all different kinds documented throughout all my journals.

Later…

I’m still really nervous about next door. Their quietness is still not right. It just doesn’t go with them. That bass is bound to be back and banging for sure. I’d say yes, they’re definitely on a trip or something.

At least the new fan sounds just about the same as the old one which Tom said was about 11 years old.

I’ll tell you one thing for sure, and that’s that I’d take those screaming M kids back anytime over such vibrating bass. The kids can be ear-piercing and obnoxious and give you headaches, but only if you’re in the midst of it. In the house, with the fans going and the sound blocks up, it’s fine, and they certainly can’t wake me up over the fan. It isn’t just them next door that I worry about, it’s their friends. When are they gonna come banging that bass in here and how often? How many parties and ball games will there be when this weather gets more bearable?

I wish I could say that their waking me up and the two power failures were compensation for something good to come, but I still feel like they were a curse and a possible punishment for Marty’s letter and card. I also sure as hell hope that they weren’t warnings of something worse to come, either. That’s all I’d need. That’s all either of us would need. We’ve had enough.

I’m trying to remember if I just sent Kim a letter, or if it’s time to send her one. I guess I will, and I’ll go get working on more of Larry’s envelopes as well as the two poster boards that are left.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 14, 1996
I just decorated the front cover with some address label demos I cut out of a catalog.

Amazingly, neither Tom nor myself heard a peep out of next door yesterday.

Also amazingly, I have no water build-up, pre-cramps, or sore tits yet and I’m only 3 days away from my period.

I’ve been running around saying that I know we’re gonna have a kid, even though I know better. It’s just that the more positive I sound and the less I complain, the happier he is.

It still seems like he has an aw-let-‘em-do-what-they-want attitude about next door when I bitch about them.

Also, I hesitate still, to talk to him when I’m feeling sad or angry or frustrated, cuz then we usually end up feeling worse. Both of us do and I don’t want to send someone I love into a bad mood. Nor do I want a foul mood of mine to go from bad to worse.

I think I forgot to mention calling Andy at the beach on the 11th. He was there with Adam and says he was having a wonderful time. Surprisingly, he hadn’t heard about the power failure which I know had to be all over the news everywhere. AOL crashed about a week ago. Their whole network crashed worldwide. At that time, I had left Tammy 2 or 3 messages for when she returns from Florida, but who knows if she’ll ever get them? They’re back online, though, and all seems back in order.

Later…

Last night something on the AC broke, so he turned to the EC. This happened after I went to bed, so I was wondering why it was quite humid in here when I got up. Thank God for him, though, otherwise it’d be unbearable in here and it’d cost $150 or more to fix it if it weren’t his brains. His brains may steal our time, but at least they save us money.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 13, 1996
Well, I absolutely don’t believe it. I didn’t hear them at all yesterday, but I’m still not gonna get my hopes up that it’ll stay this way. Tom says it’s 50/50 now in his opinion as to if they’ll stay quiet.

I got the whole house cleaned yesterday and today I did Larry’s envelope which will really be Jenny’s, of course.

Evie’s pregnant again and Ma’s having her hand operated on. I think they’re gonna do one hand at a time to relieve the pain of carpal tunnel syndrome so she can use her hands more.

Later…

On Sunday we went to the memorial service held at a small church. It was a quick 20-minute thing and then we went to a building adjacent to the church for refreshments.

People were shocked to see that Cindy, who doesn’t talk to anyone, come up to me and start chatting away. She usually just says hi, then walks away and she usually talks in such an official kind of voice, but this time she asked questions and kept the conversation going and she sounded much less official.

Today I’m gonna have more of a relaxing kind of day. I’m gonna do some artwork, read, sing, watch TV and write and make his dinner for later. I just hope to hell that worrying about next door will be a thing of the past, although I know that’s just wishful thinking. So far, though, after the blast-off during the power failure, all’s been OK. We’ll have to see how the next week or two goes to get a better idea of how things will be. Right now, I’m still counting on hearing it at least twice a day - more on weekends - and not being woken up here and there would be a surprise and a half to me. In fact, I still can’t believe they’ve only woken me up once or twice in the 5 months that they’ve been there. Anyway, I feel better than I have in the last 3 days and I hope it lasts. I hope the weekend is peaceful too, as I’ll be on the rag during the weekend.

Well, I think I’ve remembered to cover all that’s been going on over the last few days.

Oh, one more thing. Tom thinks that the reason why the stereo went off was cuz I accidentally hit the timer when I was resetting the clock after the power failure.

MONDAY, AUGUST 12, 1996
You’re not gonna believe this, but Social Security sent me a bill for $32 in my maiden name. I can’t believe they’d try to sucker money from me that we all know I don’t owe after being off it for two years. Tom says he’s gonna call them and see what the hell kind of stunt they’re trying to pull, but let me guess - since I’m not on it for them to harass me once or twice a year, they’re gonna harass me for bullshit money every two years now that I’m off it?

Right now I am a bundle of nerves. My thoughts are racing and my heart is pounding. This weekend was another shitty and good weekend, but things are gonna get steadily worse around here which I’ll get into after.

Saturday morning we went to Walmart and PetSmart. I got a blue floral 1-piece bathing suit which I’m not too thrilled about, but I’ll get used to it. Tom says he loves it, though, and that I look like a sexy woman in it.

I also got an electric pencil sharpener and 5 really cute and colorful journals that were just over $3 each. They’re a little smaller than most of my journals, but some of my journals are of very different sizes, anyway.

I also got 2 cat mugs and I love them. They’re so cute and they have so many cute cat mugs, so for now, I’ll lay off the doggie mug collection and collect kitty mugs. One has 3 little kittens outdoors and sitting in a basket. I love the detail of it as it has a nice blue sky, trees, grass, etc. I also have a close-up shot of a cat sticking its tongue out.

So on Saturday, I was beat and ready for bed at around 2 PM. Did next door wake me up? No, but they will. Instead, it was a power failure that hit 15 states all the way from Texas to Oregon. It woke me up cuz the sounds weren’t normal. The fan was off and I was hearing cars and trucks. It got quite hot in here and the power was off for about 5 hours. I had been beat, thanks to next door, so God picked a hell of timing to curse the western US! It had gotten so hot in here that I was out in the pool when the power came back on and you could hear people cheering. Why couldn’t this have happened in the winter and when I wasn’t backed up in my sleep?

I should’ve listened to Tom. Things are gonna get worse next door cuz everyone’s so determined to do the opposite of what they’re asked, no matter how nicely you ask them. They just had to jump in their van to use the AC and blast their fucking music intermittently for a good 20 minutes. The bass was deafening and nerve-wracking. It literally was like people were pounding frantically on the doors, walls, ceilings, windows, etc.

That I know of, they haven’t been too bad since, but I know now and am 100% sure that they’ll be waking me up regularly unless I’m asleep between 10 PM and 8 AM and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. They’ve won. They’ve got me. There’s just not a damn thing I can do about it legally or not. Tom won’t let me beat the shit out of them and like he said, they’ll just fuck with the house or something and I’ll land in jail if I beat them. Hell, they might even shoot us. These people are cold, sick assholes.

Then it hit me. I did pray to God during the 2½ years of our wacky sex life to give me a new ongoing issue for a change to have to deal with. Well, he did and this is it. This isn’t new, though. I’ve been woken up by neighbors for years now. I wish he’d think of something else. Anything but me being woken up.

I went over to the pig’s house across the street as a last resort, but no one was home. Was no one home cuz God knew they’d simmer down or was no one home cuz God knew he could and would help me and he didn’t want me helped? What is God trying to tell me? What does he want from me and why does he hate me so much?

I can’t believe that I live in a house and sleep with a loud box fan on, but am still woken up by other people’s noise! What the fuck?! Why?! Why?! Why?! What the fuck did I do? Is it cuz of my letter and postcard to Marty? What is it?! I haven’t caused any trouble. I haven’t made any prank calls, I haven’t done a damn thing to these assholes next door, so what is it? If there is a message in this, can’t God make it more obvious as to what it is since I’m obviously too stupid to figure it out for myself? I think I know, though. I still think it’s part of his general rule for me that I hear other people’s noise. Since I’m not in apartments and he can’t bring people to my ceiling, walls or whatever, he uses the bass which is just like pounding feet above me or on walls. This is sick! Ridiculous! I’ve had it! I’ve had enough! Can’t God just leave me the fuck alone? I can’t sleep at night every night, cuz God won’t let me no matter how hard I try, so now I’m gonna have to sleep in the back room when I’m up at night, huh? Is that what God wants? Does he want to drive me crazy all over again and send me back in time? Back to the NHA? Well, he’s doing a good job of it. Sure, it could be worse, it could be more frequent, but this is bad enough and I want it stopped! I can’t pray to God to help me cuz he not only refuses to listen or help me, but he goes and makes things worse. I find it quite a coincidence that they woke me up after I’d been praying a lot for him to simmer next door’s music down. The more I pray, the more trouble comes my way. Well, he doesn’t have to worry cuz I’ll never pray to him again and I’ll never ask anyone to pray for something for me. We don’t have a God in our lives. We have a Satan that people call God. At least that’s what I believe is my case.

This can’t be compensation for anything good to come, so what is it? A lifelong compensation for being able to sing? For being able to draw? For how I look? What is it and why? Am I truly punished for my ancestor’s sins?

Tom said they came and went twice yesterday quietly and that I can’t assume I know what the future holds, but I do know and even Tom said he was 99% sure things would get a lot worse. I’m not stupid. What was stupid of me was my prayers to God and my sending Tom over there. It’s not gonna be better, it’s not gonna be the same, it’s gonna be worse.

Later…

I’m gonna need to crash in a couple of hours or so and I’m so scared to. I know I’ll have to get up when next door says so. As soon as they come home, they’re gonna pump up that bass, and awake I’ll be. I can’t believe I’m in this predicament. I’m in a house, but my neighbors won’t let me sleep. What am I gonna do? Those stupid no-good fucks! How I want to pray to God. To call out to Robin. I know it’s no use, though. Between 3:30 and 8:30 I’ll have to get up. Then I’ll have to pretend to Tom that it’s no big deal, but I’ll get into that later. I’m just too tired now and have other things I need to get done. Maybe I’ll write some more after I’ve had the 2-4 hours of sleep God and next door will allow me today.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 10, 1996
Minnie left me a message yesterday saying that she hadn’t had time to write, so she thought she’d call instead.

I also finally got a hold of Kim, but I woke the poor girl up. I said that God would get me back and he did, all right, in an overkill kind of way 4 hours after I’d knocked off. It was also when next door went over the line as God used them to wake me up.

A half-hour later, Tom came home and I begged him to go over there and told him that I’d had it and I wasn’t gonna go through this again with getting up when neighbors said so. So, a few minutes later, the music started up again and he went over and told him that the bass goes right through the walls and the guy said something about working on the car. Then Tom asked that he turn it down when he comes in and out and Tom said he said, “Sure. No problem.” We’ll see, though. I hope Tom’s never been more wrong when he says he thinks things will get worse now. Of course, I’m hoping for the best, which I’m stupid to do with God’s obvious you-will-listen-to-other-people’s-noise rule, but I think they’re gonna be like the people that moved in next to me on Bell Road in the back of the complex. I’d tell them over and over again to turn their stereo down and they said they would, but never did. They didn’t get worse, but they didn’t get better and more than likely, that’s gonna be the case with next door.

Tom says he’s just a kid who can’t be over 22, and the trouble is that due to the fact that they rent, they have nothing to lose. Meaning that if I go over there with a blown fuse, they could vandalize the house, for example, with nothing to lose or fear. This rude, spoiled, and selfish little child couldn’t care less. How does the kid take naps?

If they shut up, I’ll bet that shortly after, they’ll move. That’s what happened with the M’s. It seems that once I get a neighbor to shut up, they move and I’ve got to go through the same old shit all over again with new neighbors. If they do shut up and across the street is my swap-off from God, fine. I was able to go back to sleep from about 5 PM - 10 PM and Tom said that there was a party at the old music people’s house. No music, but lots of little kids. Well, fine. That’s not gonna shake the house and vibrate me awake and when the sound blocks are up, they’ll be muffled out to barely a sound.

For the millionth time, why does God hate me so much? What did I do to deserve this? I’ve paid my dues for all the people I woke up during my prank phone call days, so what’s the scoop? What does this mean? What does he want from me? Am I being cursed? Am I in for a whole new round of punishment or is this compensation for something good to come?

I hope my horoscope is right in a good kind of way when it said that change was coming and that I must be prepared to add new responsibilities to old ones.

Tom said that he didn’t hear anything after he talked to the guy and after I went back to bed, but that’s only cuz he never went back out or in. Tomorrow, now today, will be the real test. Even if I can hear it a little bit, that’d be fine. It’s when it rocks the house down that I’ve got a bone to pick.

Does it make me want a child less? A little, but lately I haven’t been wanting that as bad, anyhow. It seems that from about the time Tom started cumming, I’ve been less desperate for that. I’d still take it if it came, but I don’t think I’ll want to see a doctor once it’s proven to Tom that I’m sterile. Also, I’m not gonna bother worrying about how the hell I’ll sleep with a kid around, learn to take care of it properly or have to not smoke during pregnancy when I don’t have to worry about pregnancy in the first place. That’d be a stupid and useless waste of time going and worrying over shit that won’t happen and that I’ll never have to face and deal with. Believe me, I know. I’ve been there before.

You better damn well believe, though, that my trust in Robin isn’t less, but is completely gone. She told me they’d never wake me up. Yeah, right! If she, or whoever the hell this thing is, tries visiting me, go away, is all they’re gonna hear from me.

If I didn’t wake Kim up or pray to God for them to simmer down, I’ll bet this wouldn’t have happened. Who knows, though, since God just loves to stick neighbors on me, like I said for the last 5 years or so.

We haven’t been able to find the bird I pulled out of the pool, so hopefully that means it survived and flew away and isn’t dead in the bushes or something.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 9, 1996
Got up today at 7:30 PM and went out back to check out how stormy it was. It was very cloudy and windy. Then, I heard a noise splashing in the Jacuzzi and saw a dark movement out of the corner of my eye. One of my birds was hurt and drowning so I got him out with the net. Who knows how badly he’s hurt? He may either die or dry up and be able to fly away as good as new, but we’ll see tomorrow. I threw some seeds down and Tom went and got a little margarine bucket to put water in. I figured maybe a cat attacked it, but Tom guesses that it got hit by a car, then went to get a drink in the pool and fell in.

I asked Tom to please pray to God that it’ll be OK since God won’t listen to me. He said he would and he also told me that he does pray for a child. Really? I thought he told me he thought it was best to pray for something you need, not something you want. So God’s been ignoring him, too, huh? Well, like me, Tom’s a pretty good person. It may not be humbling of me to say this, but I wish more people in this world were like me and I certainly wish more people in this world were like Tom. I told Tom that when his dad first became ill, I prayed to God to make him better, but that didn’t work. Tom said that that was meant to be and already set into motion. So are my DES and sterility.

I told Tom that at least I know the reasons why I’m sterile, but he disagreed and said that there’s so much more to life and its reasoning than anyone could ever realize. True. I’m sure there are other reasons for my sterility that only God knows.

I saw some show on TV this morning where they were discussing God and one guy asked a question I’ve asked a thousand times. In a case of two innocent people being murdered and the person that did it going free, how can God do that? The host of this show said that God allows Satan some power for now and that for now, we’re allowed to do good or evil. Then, eventually God’s gonna put his foot down and say, “OK, you’ve set the rules so far, now I’m gonna lay down what rules I think people should live by and make the world how I want it.” Now I doubt that very much, otherwise he’d have done so all along. The host said that if God killed all murderers, people would look at him in fear and think of him as bad and not for love. Not me. I’d love him even more if he’d set people straight and wipe out violent people.

Then the guy said that people kill and do bad things, not God. Yes, this is true, but I still think God has a helping hand in a lot of it and I disagree with when he said we choose everything that pertains to us. I didn’t choose to be sterile. I didn’t choose for my parents to treat me the way they did as a child. I think people give God way, way more credit than he deserves and I think that people fail to realize that God’s evil, as well as good. Perhaps that’s cuz they don’t want to believe God’s got evil in him. I wonder, though. If people can believe in a God in which there’s no concrete proof of his existence, then why are people so afraid to believe in ghosts? In a way, they’re the same things; spirits.

I told Tom that Andy wants to read my journals really bad and he said to do what I want, but that there are a lot of nasty and untrue things about him written in there. True, and I’ve taken back all the shit I’ve said about him that he proved to me was wrong. I asked him why it’d be OK for a kid of ours, if we had one, to read them then. He said cuz the kid’s family. He also doesn’t know that Andy knows about our sex lives in full now. I’d rather Tom not know, if I can help it, cuz he’d be quite embarrassed I’m sure. Only I can know that he doesn’t have to and shouldn’t feel embarrassed, just like I shouldn’t have for the two years I kept the secret from Andy. Also, I know Tom couldn’t help it if he felt embarrassed or whatever else he may feel. So the only way he could know that Andy knows is if he bugged the phones or read my computer version journals.

I think I’m gonna tell Andy that I told Tom how interested he is in reading them, but that Tom would be very embarrassed about it and so would I. That means with him, a kid, or anyone else I know and really care about who could read them. Some stranger or person I didn’t care that much about, would be a different story. There are only 3 people that I’d let read them and that’s Nervous (if he were alive) and Fran and Bob. Not cuz they’re strangers and not cuz I never cared about them at all, naturally, but cuz they’re different. Nervous, if I’m remembering correctly, did read the first 6-9 journals back in Springfield. Anyway, if I ever did let Andy read them, we’d not tell Tom about it cuz it’d be best that way. What Tom didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him and as Tom said, no one tells their lover/spouse every single thing every single minute of the day.

I guess that fuckface next door does have a degree of respect and consideration after all. I heard him leave at 8:15 this morning without a sound. Not one note of music. We haven’t heard them at all today, but I’m sure he came blasting in before I got up and before Tom got home which was around the same time.

I spoke to Andy right before he left. He’s been flying 45 minutes now and will be in CT at 6:30 AM here which will be 9:30 AM there.

Later…

Tom brought home some white poster boards today. There are 5 pieces that are about 14” x 11”. I did one up with a floral design that I’m quite pleased with. I’ll probably do large lilies, large carnations, Snoopy at the beach with a palm tree behind him, and then that floral frame design. I’m not gonna have so many frames, though. I’ll have about 9 instead of 14-16 and the vases of flowers will be bigger.

Well, I think I’m gonna go do the second out of the 5 poster boards which will be floral frames.

Later…

Well, I just got part of the frames done, but now I have to wait till it dries up so I don’t smudge anything. That may take a while, too, as this poster board has a slick surface that doesn’t soak the marker up as easily. Especially water-based markers. I hope the cooler doesn’t make it run once we have that on again.

Next time around, I’d like to get a poster board that’s even bigger than this. I’d love to do some for my family and for Kim (Bob couldn’t have this and he’s not worth the time and effort), but how the hell would I mail it there? To fold them up would put horrible-looking creases in them. I could do one for Andy since he lives here.

It’s just so much fun to do, though, and watch my different creations slowly come to life. I still have to do Larry’s envelopes up, too. I think it may be dry enough now that I can finish putting the rest of the frames on.

Later…

I’m working on my outlining of the different vases and flowers, but I’m pissed cuz some parts of the frame smudged. I may color in the backgrounds of the frames when I’m done, but that would be awfully hard to do having to fill around so much detail. I have a very steady hand, which is necessary to be an artist, but that steady? I don’t know. I’d be afraid of running into the designs.

Tammy got to Mom and Dad’s yesterday. I wonder what kind of time she’s been having. No postcards yet. I’m surprised she hasn’t called from there, but we’ll see. I still wouldn’t be shocked if she did. Then I’ll bet mom or dad will jump on the phone figuring I won’t bother to hang up on them cuz I’d want to talk to Tammy.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 8, 1996
I just talked to Andy again for the second time tonight. He really didn’t have anything new to tell me, but I’ll talk to him one last time tomorrow before he leaves. Then, I’ll call him once during the 11th and 14th at the beach.

I forgot to mention something else he told me last night. He said he had a very vague and fragmented memory of something at the beach. As most of us know, I was a little terror back then, terrorizing other girls and boys for no reason at all. Well, there was this family at the beach, the T’s. They had 5 kids and the 2 youngest girls were twins. Andy said he has a fragmented memory of Mrs. T and my mother in conflict about me bothering the twins and that my mother defended me.

That part of it can’t be right. Yes, lots of people went to my mom due to problems they had with me, but my mother would never defend me on something I didn’t do, let alone something I really did do.

Shit! I started to smoke cigarettes without punching the pack first. I’ve got to get on Tom about punching them sooner and not leaving it to me since my hands are the weakest part of me.

Andy says he really wants to read my journals. I told him, though, that if I ever let him read them, he’d have to read the typed versions and most of the print is small, otherwise it’d take thousands of pages to print it all out. I’ve only got up to 100 printed out, though. Some of the print is light, too, as we couldn’t always just afford to go buy ribbons the second they died. On a scale of 1-10, a 10 is how bad he wants to read them. He said he’s tired of reading other people’s books and wants to read mine. He said it’s my decision, of course, but that I’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about, but I am cuz I was so stupid and naïve and such a shitty writer.

He said that nothing I wrote could be as embarrassing as my seeing him beating off at the beginning of his videotape for a few seconds. He once rented a camcorder for several purposes. Along the way, he decided to tape himself jerking off to see what he looked like (Why? Who the hell knows?). And as a tape stretches out, you can’t record over the first few seconds. He gave me some tapes to record his soaps a couple of years ago when he either went away or when his VCR or TV fucked up. Well, it didn’t bother me. I mean, I saw it, I know sexuality is human nature and that’s it.

Anyway, Andy said if I thought my journals were that stupid, I’d have thrown them away, but no I wouldn’t. I never thought a single soul would ever read them. I’ll have to think about it, though. To be honest, I’ve got so many thousands and thousands of pages I’ve written in the last 9 years, that it’s hard for me to remember a lot of it. Not the little stuff, anyway.

I’m still really, really nervous about this weekend, though. I know I’ll be sleeping through a lot of it, but what are they gonna do? Just what kind of shit are they gonna pull? Fuck Robin, should she come tell me they’ll be fine. Then again, she’s told me that several times and been right and has only been wrong twice out of the several times she’s told me not to worry.

Later…

I typed Larry up a letter and have gone through the envelopes I drew up for Tom for his birthday and picked out ones I want to do for letters I send Larry. Jenny gets the envelopes, as I’ve said before. I hope Jenny’s serious about sending me a letter and some drawings.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 7, 1996
Tom reminded me that I’ve got $60 and not $50, cuz $10 of it was from vacuuming Ma’s place. I might not spend all of it and get him a little treat of some kind. Especially what with how much I appreciate his putting the sound blocks on, which cost $50 that next door should pay. It’s not really just next door, though, cuz who knows what other street noise will go on around here and if they move before we do, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they did, who knows what’s coming in there next.

I really love the faster computer. The capping system just breezes through and most things are just so much faster.

Anyway, Andy and I chatted about all kinds of things. He said there’s some repulsive coke whore in his neighborhood and that he’s hurt over Quinn and more hurt that Quinn couldn’t care less that Andy told him he didn’t want a thing to do with him for at least 6 months. I told Andy he doesn’t need this abusive loser, but due to Andy’s love for him, it hurts and I guess I can understand that. Tom and I still love each other, even when we say things to each other that aren’t too nice.

He also told me a couple of things that neither of us knew that go back to between 1972 and 1974. When Tammy was about 16, she used to flirt like hell around Marla’s first husband. That I can believe. Tammy was never a slut, but she always did go for older men.

Also, Charlotte has 3 kids, Shelly, Steve and Scott. Well, he’s heard that Steve, who’s always had mental problems, is now a bum on the streets of Connecticut. I didn’t know that or that he had problems, but back in those times I was not very perceptive or aware of shit going on around me. I had too many problems of my own with my folks to be too observant. Also, Andy’s older.

Andy also got quite a shock today. He accidentally met Karson with someone else he knows at a store. He said yes, she’s fat, ugly and nerdy looking and has a plain face, but isn’t as bad looking as he’d pictured her to be. He said she’s left him two messages in the last month or so that came in while he was on the phone that said she was there to haunt him, but he never called her back and has no intention of doing so either. Fortunately, she hasn’t called here.

Andy said he might break his rule and suck a married guy’s dick, but the guy says he won’t reciprocate. Then again, maybe not, cuz the guy got cold feet, I think.

Andy says he’s rather glad that he lost two days of his vacation, cuz now he doesn’t feel like he has to rush to do his packing, laundry, etc. He said it took away from his Springfield time, not his beach time. On the 11th, maybe a day or two before, he’ll leave for the beach, but he’ll probably only be at his parents’ condo in Springfield for about 24 hours. Then he’ll be at the beach for the remainder of the time. From the 11th to the 14th is when he told me to pick a time to call, cuz that’s when he’ll be there alone with his pal Adam. He said to call when it’s nighttime there, cuz he intends to keep the same schedule during his stay there. He said he’ll probably sleep from 6 AM to 2 PM. After the 14th, his brother and his wife and their twins will be there.

He said he’ll say hi to Char for me. He says he’s gotten to be a lot like me where he doesn’t care what others think. He said he’s gonna not give a shit who thinks what if they see him going into Charlotte and Jim’s cottage.

I know Tammy won’t go to the beach cuz it’s bad for Bill and cuz she hates those stuck-up snobs, but I’m surprised she doesn’t see Charlotte somewhere. Doesn’t Charlotte ever go to her house?

You know, I think I may send Charlotte a letter to say hi. I haven’t done so in ages.

Later…

I did that floral frame design with different plants and flowers with lots of detail and color for Charlotte & Jim’s letter. I sure am getting faster at doing these things.

Tom’s up now and he fixed the printer, so I printed out Charlotte & Jim’s letter, Kim’s letter, and this draft which will be Bob’s when I’m done with it.

I saw Funny Toes again the other day and that yellow thing was in his chest, so who knows what the hell that’s all about? He wasn’t limping, though, so that’s good.

Tom and I decided not to send any of my songs for that contest, cuz we checked into it and that guy’s a definite scammer. He wants to steal lines for plaques, mugs and shit like that. I disagree, but Tom says he does think my songs are good enough to steal. He wants to put music with them someday, so that’s why it’s more important to him that they don’t get stolen.

Later…

Well, this is the latest scoop on the preliminary test of the sound blocks, which aren’t framed and sealed yet.

The bass is probably only gonna be muted slightly, due to the fact that bass penetrates walls. They blasted off twice today which is more typical than 10 times a day. Once, Tom heard it while I was still asleep and it didn’t wake me, so that’s all well and good. They also came and went about two other times silently.

Tom and I were in the living room when they played ball for a few minutes and that was way softer, so that part of it seems promising. Tom loves how it’s already made a tremendous difference as far as cooling goes.

When I asked why Tom thought they sometimes leave quietly and sometimes not, he says he thinks he’s probably got the radio on and when he hears a song he likes, he blares it.

Oh, I figured he’d be playing CDs. Well, I asked Tom, in a joking yet serious way, “Since God hates me, why don’t you pray to him and ask him to make sure that a song he hates is on when he’s coming or going?”

I still think they’re probably from Chicago or someplace with 4 seasons like I am and are dying to take their shit outdoors more often when the weather cools down.

He still says, though, that once the blocks are sealed in, I will have no problem tolerating their shit. Well, let’s hope so, otherwise somebody’s got to set them straight and put them in their place. This weekend we’ll be sealing them in, but if we have to shut them up ourselves, we will. It’s been totally useless praying to God to simmer them down. I’ve tried twice and God’s never answered my prayers as far as other neighbors’ noise, so why should he start now? This is definitely something he wants to be a big part of my life and has since the NHA. If I think about it, it kind of started in 1990 when I came off the Navane. Or was that ‘89? Well, the good in it is, is that it’s usually about two minutes of bass a day and not about 16 hours worth of constant shit from several different sources and several different sounds. It’s not constant kids, constant dogs, constant music or constant banging. I just don’t understand, though, why they can’t just be quiet like normal human beings. Normal people don’t make it a point to play their music for others and they don’t go bouncing basketballs in their driveways for hours at a time either.

Good news on the house. They’re calling it even so we are current on the payments. We were behind 3 payments and now we’ve got 13 years left on the house, plus 3 months, so that’s great. Tom said he certainly can’t promise anything, but he feels that it’d be possible for us to move after the New Year, whether I’m pregnant or not. No way. I really think it’ll be years before we move and God knows how many more families will be next door while we’re still here.

I’ll be giving Andy a call sometime tonight, who leaves for the airport at 10 PM tomorrow.

Tammy and the others will be at our parents’ place tomorrow. Lucky her, huh?

Well, I’m gonna go jot down a quick grocery list, then play a computer game, then I’ll return.

Later…

I was just playing Jezzball on the computer. I’ve yet to get past level 11, but I got the closest I’ve ever come to doing so just now. That’s a game where it starts off with two balls and goes up from there. What you have to do is section them off. Something like that, anyway, where you have to clear 75% of the window they’re in without hitting them.

Now I’m wondering what the hell’s up with Kim. She mentioned something about female problems, and I’ve left her a message or two and haven’t heard from her. Although she could very well have tried to contact me while I was asleep. She doesn’t always leave messages.

Now I’m gonna go give Andy a buzz and see what’s up with him.

Later…

No answer. I left him a message, so if he wants to call, he will.

Tom’s still completely sure I’ll be pregnant in a month. How? A DES daughter at 30 years old, huh? Once again, does he know something I don’t? Do I think he really did hold back and planned all along not to cum till now? It’s possible, but if he hasn’t admitted this by now, he never will and that’s OK. Well, it is and it isn’t OK. I mean, he should’ve told me from the get-go if that was truly the case, but now that he’s cumming and that 2½ of one-sided sex is over, it’s OK. I can deal with it now. Some things are like that. When he told me after we were married for a while that he thought I’d be a lousy wife, but loved me as I was, it didn’t hurt me. I found it rather amusing, but if he’d told me that when we were getting married, I’d have wondered.

Wow. I actually got chilly and I’m in the back room where there are no sound blocks. So I turned the AC from high to medium and turned the ceiling fan off.

Larry called earlier and he was dog tired. He talked to Tom and gave him his condolences. He started to say it was 40º when we knew it wasn’t just so he could hear me laugh. Then, I told him a joke on a bumper sticker I saw that says: Wanna get laid? Then crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 6, 1996
Dear Marty,

I am so so sorry for falsely accusing you of that message. I received a call today, from someone whose name I won’t mention that apologized for accusing me of calling them. They now know who was harassing them. We ended up having a decent conversation and as I listened to this person, I could tell it wasn’t you, but it sure does sound almost exactly like you! I informed this person that I’ve got too much of a record to keep doing stuff like that, am too busy, and have respect for my husband, as well as myself. Well, once again, I am so very sorry! Take care.

Jodi Lin

That which I just wrote, was my postcard to Marty, which I forgot to write in.

I’m pissed off cuz Tom said he’d have the printer working right again, after installing some new shit, but it doesn’t. Now I have to wait till morning, but I’ll live. I have a letter to Kim ready to print out and this draft will be part of Bob’s letter.

Got several things to update on. First of all, Tom got acoustic stuff for the living room and music room windows. It’s resting in the windows now, but there’s no frame yet and it’s not sealed up yet. Right now, we’re testing how well it works. So far, so good, but I don’t know if that’s cuz things have been quiet or cuz they really do work well. I didn’t get up till 4 PM today, so I think I was asleep when the dick wad next door left and returned from work (we think he’s a car dealer). Time will tell, though, how well they work, but I like its other functions. It’s dark and peaceful for listening to music in the daytime and I don’t have to deal with next door’s fucking security light blaring on constantly at night. It’ll also cut down our cooling/heating bills and retain cool air and the heat better.

If a problem with next door still persists or if they get worse and to the point where they’re intolerable, Tom will go over there and talk to them. Whether or not that will do any good, who knows?

At first I thought of telling them I’d babysit at least part-time for free if they’d cut the music or do something for them, but then Tom pointed out that I’m making a reasonable request and you don’t reward people for doing what’s right in the first place.

True. What the fuck do I owe them anyway? I don’t owe them shit and like I said before, I was here first. Anyway, I do intend for the problem to be over as of yesterday. I still don’t know if it’ll be over due to the sound blocks, Tom talking to them, me kicking the shit out them or what, but it’s over, cuz I’m setting the rules here and one of them is that their music is gonna be for their ears only whether they like it or not. What I say about that is how it’s gonna be.

Enough about these freeloaders and on to other stuff.

Andy and I talked earlier and he won’t be leaving till the 8th at 10 PM, cuz Marla sent the tickets out late.

He was telling me that Marla’s still pissed off at Charlotte and my mother for what happened with her mother, but mostly at Charlotte. Someone suggested to Charlotte that she go and try to resume her friendship with Judy. Judy overheard that from someone, then Charlotte overheard that Judy said she probably would resume the friendship if Charlotte apologizes to her for the shit that went down 20 years ago. Charlotte then said that she had nothing to apologize for and that’s what gets Marla. Andy tried to tell Marla to forget the past and let it go and not wish Charlotte to drop dead as she has been.

Andy’s got a point about letting the past rest, but at the same time, I know how hard that can be at times. In the case of Marty, is where I can relate to that. I tried to tell myself, “Forget about it. You know what you did wrong in the past and what he did wrong in the past. You know he couldn’t beat you now, let alone scare you, so drop it.” But that’s obviously been hard to do, otherwise I wouldn’t have sent the letter and the card just so I could let him know I could take him in a fight nowadays. Between Bonnie and Barbara from Woodside Terrace and Norwich, they were the final straw to making me how I am now. I refuse to take shit from anyone.

Years ago, if I had heard Joely next door say something threatening about me from our yards, for example, I’d have kept my mouth shut and if I saw her I’d act like I knew nothing about it. Not now, though. Uh-uh. I’d now say, “I heard that! Why don’t you meet at my front door and we’ll discuss it face to face!” And if she didn’t come to my door, I’d probably go to hers. No one’s gonna threaten, push, or slap me ever again and get away with it. I refuse to stand there like a scared wimp and take it. I shall stand my ground, no matter how much tougher the other person is.

That drunk, Hank, from Oswego Street was also lucky I wasn’t like I am today, although we did end up friendly. I know that they say that fighting one who fights you is lowering yourself to their level, but I see it as defending yourself and keeping them off your case. If I didn’t turn around and say, “Hey, wait a minute Bonnie. I ain’t running from you,” she’d have kept picking at me for sure.

No, I do not like violence, but I promise to take care of anyone else who fucks with me, my husband or our stuff within normal reason. I’m gonna show them that surprises do come in small packages, even though it’s been a long time since there’s been a need to, and even though I hope I’ll never have to.

Andy was telling me how he’s been discussing with his family how he and his family have come to realize I’m not what all those rumors said I was. I told Andy that was nice of him, but not to worry. People are gonna believe what they want and they can do that if they wish to. Also, I really have too much of a label on me that can’t wash off of everyone. Besides, it doesn’t matter. The labels put on me by my mother can no longer harm me in any way. There’s nothing Judy or Aunt Ruth could do to me if they still thought I was crazy except to ignore me.

Andy and those he’s told are appalled that my mother could spread bad or personal stuff around about me and not let me talk about what interests me. Yes, I know it’s wrong, but I’m used to it and that’s how she’s always gonna be. My mother’s attitude may have changed a little about me since I came here, but she’s still mostly the same old Dureen. Tammy’s like that, too.

MONDAY, AUGUST 5, 1996
I didn’t get the chance to write about the weekend which was both wonderful and shitty. Let me get the shitty things out of the way and save the best for last. I already wrote about one of the shitty things which was how alone I felt on Saturday, but yes, I was compensated for that and I’ll get into that after.

The other shitty thing was next door and of course, my trust in Robin has been shot. I just can’t trust her at all when it comes to next door cuz what she says is either hit or miss. She was wrong for the second time about next door and of course, praying to God only made things worse.

They usually come blasting in and out once or twice a day next door, but this time it was about 10 times. Even the two friends they had visiting blasted their way in and out. The friends were there for about an hour or two and I think it was cuz of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. Of course, they spent that hour or two outside talking as loud as kids do, huddled right against the block wall on our side. Their kitchen is right there, so that’s why.

Since there are positives and negatives to everything, I will say this. Robin’s been mostly right about them next door, but when she says don’t worry about the winter and that this winter will be the quietest one ever and that I’ll only hear them occasionally and that they won’t blast their music more than they do and that yesterday’s 10- time blast-out was a rare thing, I don’t buy it. I know they’re just itching for the weather to cool down and dry up so they can have more parties, play ball, etc. Tom says that he thinks they rent that house which brings me to the good in them being there. If they leave like Robin says they might (she doesn’t know for sure) around the New Year, we may get it worse with whoever moves in there. Screaming kids that are home all the time, dogs and who knows how much company. At least so far, they don’t have too much company or ball games, they don’t have any dogs and the music, however obnoxious, if only for a minute or two at a time.

Maybe this house is owned by an agent of some kind, cuz this house turns over so much. This is the third family that’s been over there since 1993 and there’s been for sale signs, but never sold signs. If this is true, then that house will turn over at least 5 or more times before we move. That’s also something God would do to me; put me through the stress of wondering who we’re getting over there next several times. It’s hopeless as far as getting some older, quieter people with little company and no kids or dogs. God’s just gotta sic something on me. Besides, if this house became dead quiet, he’d just make sure some other house started up with some kind of shit. Yes, it’s quiet 97% of the time around here, but you have no idea just how much the NHA has really scarred me. I’m scarred for life, no matter how much I try to change, adapt or go back to my old ways. Now I have no tolerance left in me, whereas in the past, I could deal with this just fine. There was that train that used to go by my place in Deerfield and vibrate the whole place, even the waterbed, yet it didn’t bother me, I slept through it fine, and it was more than once or twice a day and for longer than a minute or two. I wish I could go back to my old ways as far as that goes, but I’ve never been able to since the NHA. When I hear noise around here, it just totally brings back the whole feeling and atmosphere of the tension and anger I felt at the NHA.

I wish I were 100% deaf or were like Tom. He agrees they’re rude, inconsiderate, and selfish, but it’s no big deal to him. He could tolerate it if it were noisy around here 97% of the time. I wish I were like Goldie and Al too, who hated Sun City cuz they’d never hear a sound outside or see people.

If there are two places I wish I could never have been to, it’d be Valleyhead and the NHA. Better yet, I wish I could go back to never remembering a damn thing in my life before I moved here and keep it that way. The brain is a powerful thing and I tried to manipulate it, but I just can’t change or control my thoughts or feelings. That’d be like making all straight people attracted to the same sex and vice versa. Or making myself hate foods and colors I like and vice versa. The mind just can’t be fooled or changed so easily.

A good 90% of the population is like them next door. They only give a damn about themselves and to turn a stereo down a minute before pulling in is just so damn hard to do and just too damn much to be asked of. The motherfuckers! I wanted to go over there last night so bad and set them straight and let them know that I refuse to have my house invaded and intruded upon with their music, but Tom talked me out of it and insists we can get sound blocks ASAP for the music room and living room windows. Thank God I have such a helpful, supportive, and understanding husband. I mean, can’t they ever come and go unannounced? There were a couple of times when I was in the music room and I did hear someone leave quietly, but why is it that half the time they come and go they do it loudly and other times it’s audible, but not obnoxious? If they have to let me know when they’re leaving or when they’re home, can’t they at least not always have it so loud?

I hate this world and I hate people and I have no regrets about not having so many friends. One best friend here and a couple of others I keep in touch with that are far off works great.

I know it’s wrong for me to say this, cuz I do know there’s good and bad in every kind, but I’m starting to look down on blacks again. I’m sick of their loud bassy music and they’re the rulers of drugs, gangs and crime in this country and last I heard, 25% of them are in jail. I have known wonderful black people, but this is the lowest kind of them there is and due to the fact that so many end up in jail, especially young ones, I hope to hell this guy does time or permanently breaks up with Joely. Most parents are so screwed up, though, that if he left or got carted off to jail, she’ll just be desperate to seek out a new rap-blasting, rude, selfish, obnoxious, loud-mouthed, inconsiderate, spoiled ass of a boyfriend.

Tom also suggested keeping a log of how often they blast off, and we’re doing so, but I don’t see what good that’d do. I told Tom that maybe he should go have a word with them since it did me no good and since as he said himself, he’s the kind of guy who gets along with everyone and his whole demeanor has a persuasive way that’s even more influential than mine. Tom disagrees and says that due to their age, they’ll just be defiant, defensive and rebellious and make things worse. I thought about asking the piggy across the street to have a word with them, but I’m not intimidated by authority figures, so why should they be? If I’m not, people like that most definitely wouldn’t be.

He said we’ll first try out the sound blocks and see whatever other shit they may pull on us, before taking any action of whatever kind. The sound blocks won’t completely muffle it out, but hopefully it’ll cut the bulk of it down. I know that there’s a huge difference between the two bedrooms and they’re in the same location. If it weren’t for the fan and the sound blocks in the bedroom, I’d never get any sleep around here. Not unless I slept at night all the time, but not even then, cuz of the damn two dogs next to them. If I were on the Navane I used to be on, that’d be different, but I’m not going through the shit I went through with getting physically and mentally addicted to drugs again. Well, hopefully the sound blocks will do a good job and God will compensate me with a kid, but I doubt that one. I wish I knew why he was doing this to me. I never did anything to these people.

They’re lucky I’m not Tammy as she’d have brought them to their knees months ago. Well, if I ever end up going over there it’ll be cuz my fuse has blown and cuz I’m so fed up, but I hope that’ll never have to happen. I’ll tell you one thing for sure, though, and that’s that any mail of theirs I get over here is going right in the garbage.

OK, now that I’m done bitching about what pisses me off, I’ll get to the good news. After Tom returned from Evelyn’s we went to Best Buy where I got a fanfuckingtastic stereo! Technically it’s a boom box and it’s small and lightweight, but it sure is powerful. Not quite as powerful as the other one, but I was using 4 speakers before, which I might be able to do again. With the headphones, it’s fine. It’s got 3 CD trays, dual cassette, radio, with 2 detachable speakers and more features than I could ever use. It’s got a remote, a clock, timer set, pre-set radio stations and more. What I don’t like about it is that the CD scanner is slow and the tapes don’t have auto-reverse or a way to scan through tapes. Also, the headphone jack is on top of it, which is a weird place for it. Other than that I love the new stereo and it was just under $200. As a bonus, you got $40 worth of free CDs just for buying any JVC product. So, I got a total of 5 Linda CDs. The most I’ve ever gotten in one shot and now I’ve got the bulk of her stuff on CD. I got her new one and at first I thought I’d hate it. She doesn’t sing her usual vibrant and loud self. She’s singing in a breathy falsetto voice throughout the whole thing and there are no upbeat songs. So far, just like with Gloria’s new CD, there are only two songs I like on it.

I also got a new CD rack that holds 120 CDs and I have 119 CDs. I gave Tom the old one I had in there which holds about 60, to use for his computer CDs.

I saw Gloria last night at the closing ceremonies and was surprised she lip-synced the song Reach. She sang bits and pieces of about 5 other hits of hers live. She looked unusually good for having a kid barely two years ago, but with the way she can afford good clothing, I’m sure she looks disgusting naked or in a bathing suit. The rich can also do cosmetic surgery. She had a hairpiece on which was a good 2 or 3 shades lighter than her own hair. Her face looked good and she sang well, but the sound system was a bit muffled. It’s hard to get good sound outdoors in such a huge place with so many thousands of people.

Got a letter from Bob and finally, he said something that made me crack up. “I love you like I gave birth to you, my beloved daughter.”

That’d be pretty neat, that a guy could give birth! Kim will get a kick out of it when I tell her.

Yesterday Tom got computer parts to make the two computers faster, so that’s nice to have

I have $50 bucks of my money left. I offered it for Tom to use for the sound blocks, but he said no, that was OK, and I told him that if I could type anything up for him or whatever, to let me know. With my $50, I’ll probably get a bathing suit and maybe a cat/kitty mug, which Tom says they have at PetSmart. I might get a journal and a few other small things.

This weekend we didn’t get around to doing the back room, which is kind of cluttered again (what else is new!). But in the next 2-3 weeks, the back room, patio, roof, rafters, and sound blocks should be up.

More good news for this weekend and that was that yesterday Tom got off. I could tell for sure, but more in the way of how he throbbed than in the way he juiced. Robin was right again, saying that’d happen, but like I said, I don’t buy her I’ll-be-pregnant thing as well as that she and God will do all they can to simmer next door’s music down. If I’m remembering right, she was wrong about things she told me twice and they were both about next door, so I don’t want to hear from her about them. Oh, she also says that if they move, the new neighbors would be no worse than them. Right! These are still basically good neighbors compared to two houses down and the M’s when they first got here, so I doubt that cuz most neighbors are quite noisy.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 4, 1996
Boy, was I wrong about Tom! And boy was I wrong about the rest of the weekend, but I’ll write up on it in a sec.

Tom’s home now with groceries, actually, so I’ll return in a few.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 3, 1996
Yesterday I tried calling Larry to wish him a happy birthday, but Jen was home alone again. Jen says Larry’s gonna be calling soon and that she’ll wish Larry a happy birthday for me. He was out getting his permit. Also, Jen says she’s working on a letter for me and some horse drawings.

Tammy called about an hour ago to say goodbye. They’re leaving tomorrow at 4 AM. She’ll be at Mom and Dad’s on Thursday.

Tom’s gonna be just as envious of Tammy as I am. She got an inkjet printer for only $99. The first 35 people into Staples got that, but she had to wait in line for two hours. The cartridges for those things are expensive, but a friend of hers gives them to her for free. We can’t wait to have an inkjet printer and a Stylus printer.

As figured, Tom’s at Evelyn’s now and I’m sure he won’t be back till the evening. Especially since I’m mid-cycle and since old suspicions are returning. Ever since he came he’s been wanting sex less and less and when there has been an opportunity for it, he’s back to making excuses.

Why, Tom? I cannot get pregnant. You have nothing to fear.

The other day we were discussing taking stuff for labor pains and to numb the crotch area. Tom says why not take advantage of modern medicine and whatever they have to make things more comfortable? Yeah, well, I’ll leave that for women who can and will have kids to decide.

I’ve been so fucking bored today. Once again, I feel like our time together and sex is at the bottom of Tom’s list. Will God compensate me with us spending time together later and with mutual sex where we both get off?

In my dreams, he will!

I wish I had some poster board right now. I’d like to try some large-scale drawings.

Later…

My bored self is watching TV now.

I forgot to mention earlier that Robin popped in on me last night to tell me the same old bull on how I’ll be pregnant in either August, September, or October, won’t have a miscarriage, won’t need a C-section, and that we will survive and have no regrets. She also told me the doctor will make sure I understand all my options for when I have it and that I won’t regret whatever method I choose.

Lastly, she told me Tom will cum this weekend for sure and I’ll certainly know it.

No way! Just as I feared, Tom’s cumming was a rare occasion, but after another two years goes by again, maybe he’ll cum again and do that at least every other year. Yes, I know Tom’s surprised me before and proved me wrong, but 80% of my gut feelings are still accurate. It’d take a million miracles for him to get off this weekend or anytime soon. Then it’d take another million years for me to conceive.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 2, 1996
I haven’t had too much time to write, so by now I’m sure I’ve forgotten things.

Goldie & Al’s and Boo & Max’s envelopes went out today, so they should have them no later than Wednesday. Marty’s card went out today, too.

This is really super weird, but after Robin supposedly “helped out” the bird, I saw the yellow thing in him again. Robin said something about God undoing some things she does. You mean God would undo helping a hurt bird?! This just goes to show, once again, how warped God can be.

However, this morning it was gone again. And once more, I could see the hole the thing left and it was still limping. I know this had to be the same bird throughout all this, cuz this was Funny Toes. The only bird with a birth defect. Instead of having 3 front toes and 1 back toe on each foot, one’s got 4 front toes, and 2 of them are stuck together. Pretty weird, huh?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 1, 1996
Before I get going on Goldie & Al’s and Boo & Max’s envelopes, I’ll just quickly update stuff.

I guess I misunderstood Tom about a few things. I thought that about $200,000 or $300,000 was to be split 5 ways, but he was really talking about 1 of their 5 or 6 different accounts. Ma’s got about $100,000, plus she’ll be getting about $850 a month which will be more than she needs, and the house is all paid for. It was Dad’s checking account that got split between the 5 kids, so we got $5,000.

We sat down and discussed which bills were the most important to get paid and how much extra we wanted to spend on him, me and us. So, we paid the most important bills, set money aside for the roof and my teeth and then we’re taking a total of $750 for whatever we want or need, but mostly what we want.

I told Tom that that’s his money and to be sure it’s OK for me to spend any on fun stuff like a new CD player, CDs, a CD rack, etc.

I also misunderstood him when I thought he’d said that it was OK to hurt someone just to deal with something. What he really meant was…try not to hurt someone, of course, but to also understand that one of us may say something to the other that we truly feel that may hurt the other, but that it’s not intentional.

We also agree that we may both believe the same things and we may not. For example, we both agree we have bills to pay, so we sat down and decided what should be paid ASAP. On the other hand, he believes we’ll have a kid and I don’t, so if he’s right, we’ll go along with whatever plans he may have in mind to best support it and work things out. If I’m right, then we’ll probably move sooner and take a different course of plans in life or at least do them sooner.

We think we can move in a year or two, but if he’s right and we have a kid, which is our number one top priority, we may wait till it’s one or two years old, cuz we don’t want to give it to someone to babysit it while we move till it’s older.

We’ve decided not to get newer and more modern furniture till we move into a newer and more modern house.

I updated our list of stuff to buy and do and we hope to have time now, to do stuff around here. We still have to pretty up the patio and get rid of that old chair and those water tanks.

We’re doing stuff to save money too, so that we better our chances of not getting in a financial jam again and to better our chances of meeting the deadlines we’ve estimated as far as our goals go. So, I offered to wash silverware from now on and not have him buy plastic silverware. I’ve washed dishes for most of the 10 or 11 years I’ve been on my own, so it’s nothing new.

Tom still hopes for a better job doing something he likes and I still hope to sell some artwork.

I got a letter from Bob yesterday with nothing new. He did enclose a letter for Minnie which he asked me to mail, so I did so today.

Now here’s something we really disagree on and of course, it’s easy for me to say that Tom either lost his mind or is quite a joker. Well, he’s always told me that in his opinion, I’m about an 8 or 9 as far as looks go. He says, though, that having a kid will make me more attractive and put me to a 9 or 10. That’s impossible. First of all, I’ll never be this thin again. I’ll have all the more of a lousy shape and the stretch marks I’ll have will be beyond imagination.

Yesterday we went over to mom’s who was there alone. She looked tired and sad, but can you blame her?

We put the sewing stuff back together and now it’s the same old sewing room again that it used to be but with new carpet. I vacuumed the computer room and we put the door to the sewing room back up.

She also let me borrow a couple of books, but I’ve still got to finish that big book by Dean Koontz. One of the books I got is about the Amy Fisher story and the other’s about two sisters who are stalked.

She said she’d take care of me for vacuuming next time around, but I told her not to worry about it.

I’ll call Larry tomorrow and wish him a happy 16th birthday and right now, I’m gonna check my email, then call Tammy. She’s taking off on the 4th, so I want to wish them a happy and safe trip and tell them to send us postcards.

Andy’s to be leaving on the 7th for two weeks.

Later…

I just did talk to Tammy who’s taking care of last-minute things till they leave. She says that what I did to her mother-in-law in Springfield doesn’t bother her and that she hasn’t talked to her in months. She says that she left Lisa’s concert cuz the girls didn’t want to sit with her and then she called Tammy a bitch in front of the kids. I agree with Tammy when she said that not even mom would do that. Mom would take Tammy aside away from the kids if she really had to let Tammy have it.

Later…

I’m in the back room now and I can see 3 of my birds from where I am. One’s in the window, one’s on the water tank, and one’s up in the rafters.

Someone shot or did something to one of my birds unless it had some kind of accident. One of my long-time regulars has something stuck in its chest and limps. I’m surprised it can fly or that it’s even alive. It’s a small round bright yellow thing, that looks like it could be some kind of arrow, but I’m not sure. I’ll describe it to Tom and see what he thinks.

Somebody around here better not be fucking with my birds. I don’t see how it could’ve landed on something that stabbed it and got stuck in it by accident, so my guess is that it’s some demented kids fucking around.

I got the backs of Goldie, Al, Boo and Max’s envelopes done and I’ll be doing the fronts soon.

Got a message from that site that put out my search request for Robin. They asked if they could publish any comments or input I make and I said fine, go ahead. They also say that all songs for this contest I have to find out more about can have up to 50 lines. No problem. I don’t have songs that long and who cares if they get stolen since I’m not going to be a singer. I doubt anyone would want them that bad to steal them. I mean, for the most part, my songs are just good and not great. Later I’ll ask Tom to help me do what would be the best method of getting the songs to them and finding out more details about the contest.

I did 10 push-ups for the first time in my life the other day, so that was cool. Tom says that my arms seem more fit and defined than when we first met and that my lower body’s the same. Maybe my arms are fit, cuz Tom reminded me that I couldn’t do push-ups when we first met, which is true. I just wish my lower body was more fit, but that’s what I get for being too lazy to work on it. Besides, if Tom’s right, I don’t think it’d matter anymore cuz I’d be in such bad shape. It’ll be hopeless then.

After Tom gets off work today, he’s gonna take me to get a birthday card for Tammy, an anniversary card for my parents and that I’m-so-sorry card for Marty & Ruth. I’m glad Marty & Ruth didn’t make any contact with me, though, as I expected them not to.

In Larry’s letter, I told him I’m sorry Jenny C’s mom died even though her mother was no angel and could be a mean little drunk. I kept that last part to myself.

As I told Larry, I was glad she didn’t end up getting ahold of me. I still think past friendships should remain past friendships. Also, we’re 3000 miles away from each other and are very different. I told him I know we’ve grown out of our old ways and that I don’t hate her, but I learned my lesson as far as buddy sharing goes. I don’t share friends with other friends or family members. My husband, though, is a different story. He can be friends with my friends if he wants to or not and the same goes for me.

I’m frying up some lunch now, but after I eat, I’ll write about a bizarre and horrible dream I had a couple of nights ago.

Later…

Now that is just too weird! That yellow thing that was stuck in that bird is gone. He’s still limping a bit, but how can something that looked to be pretty stuck in there, fall out?

Now for that weird and terrible dream I had. Well, the horrible one started off weird, then turned to horror. I was walking with Tom in a fair or something like that when this woman asked me if I had $80 worth of children. I said I didn’t have any children as if the question she asked was perfectly normal.

She was deaf and I signed to her, “This is my husband,” and introduced Tom.

Then Tom and I began to walk away and I kept saying, “I know that girl from somewhere.”

Then it hit me and I raced back to the girl and said, “Remember?! I was Anna & Harry’s foster kid too. You were my foster sister.”

Then she remembered and we were in tears of joy to have met up with each other and the thought of being friends. In real life, though, I was Anna & Harry’s one and only foster kid and I had no foster sister there, although I called this 22-year-old girl named Bonnie my foster sister. She lived on my floor. So, I don’t really know this fictitious dream character.

Then Tom went his own way to leave us to get reacquainted. We signed to each other about our lives since we last saw each other and the next thing I know, we were on this little minibus. Suddenly there were cruisers everywhere and I saw that there was a riot going on.

I cried out, “Oh, no! Where’s Tom?”

Then I noticed 4 chairs with people sitting side by side. They all toppled over with the people still in them. At one end of the line of chairs, a woman and a baby toppled over and I thought to myself, I can’t believe people would carry on like this with a baby in the midst of it all!

Then I saw that Tom was at the other end of the 4 chairs and that the chair was tipped over with him still in it. He lay on his side with his arms at his side and his eyes shut tight and with no movement whatsoever.

Panic filled me and I grabbed the girl’s arm and signed, “I need you.” Meaning, that I’d need her to get me through whatever was to come of all this.

I looked at Tom’s completely motionless body and prayed, “Please move, open your eyes, start stirring, wake up!” I didn’t know if he was dead or alive, but I knew I had to find out and find out who did this to him.

Then I woke up. It was a horribly real, scary, and sad dream.

It was neat, though, to sign a whole dream, for the most part, then to remember it so I could see what I said.

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Last updated June 15, 2024