May 1996 in 1990s

FRIDAY, MAY 31, 1996
I just had myself quite a scare. I was in the music room listening to old conversations with the crisis center. Luckily, I had the lights on when I saw a humongous sewer roach that was nearly 3 inches long. I ran and grabbed the can of Raid and the fucker wouldn’t die, but I eventually managed to slow it down, and then swat it with the fly swatter. Now that room stinks and I’m avoiding going in there for a while. I’m glad I didn’t find this thing in the winter cuz I’d have to air out the fumes of the Raid and it’d be freezing in here.

Yesterday morning we did do missionary position, but only for a few minutes again for two reasons. One of the reasons, I believe, is his wait and do things slowly and his instill-patience-in-Jodi obsession. The other is that now his legs are sore. He said that due to his shoulders feeling better, he notices his legs now. Earlier, though, he said he was almost healed all over. There’ll be something else now. This position does appear to make it easier for him and he does seem more into it, so that’s also probably why he’ll never want to do it for too long. He’ll probably have a much harder time holding back if this is truly what he’s doing and still wants to do.

I’m absolutely amazed that I’ll be hitting mid-cycle on a Saturday. I almost never do, but I still wouldn’t be shocked if we just couldn’t have sex that day for some reason, even though we almost always do on weekends. I guess he just wants to be extra careful. I think we’ve only screwed once when I was 14 days after my period.

My mother-in-law got me 3 cans of my favorite coffees due to my patience with them needing Tom over there a lot to help them. I understand and this was very sweet of her.

I feel much better than I did over the last 4 or 5 days and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was right before my period when I was really right after it. I was depressed, I was constipated, I had pre-cramps and I was hornier than hell. Tom says it’s OK to be depressed and that everybody is at times and that it’s necessary so we can be happy and appreciate it all the more. Yeah, he has a point, but no thanks to being depressed. I hate feeling anxious, angry or sad. I totally dig being happy and I’ll always appreciate it when I am. I wish I could be more than usual, but I have hopes of being much happier and for much longer periods at a time. I still say that the day will come when I’ll stop fighting my erratic schedule and just accept and deal with the fact that I can’t be on a schedule. Also, I’ll either be glad I couldn’t have a kid, or just won’t care, or both.

I may end up doing something totally stupid and set myself up again to fall, though. Once my schedule gets back on days, I may try the Melatonin again cuz sometimes I’m too stubborn and selfish and just don’t know when to quit and accept things as they are. The kid, I accept never having, but I guess you could say that I’m going longer periods at a time being able to deal with the fact that that can never be and I know it’ll keep getting better with time.

I wonder if Andy did come over to use the pool today. He mentioned it. God was he pushy the night I had the attack. I left him a message about it and said that that night wasn’t a good night to call since I was still beat and recovering from it, but he goes and calls anyway and didn’t even mention it. Didn’t even ask if I was okay or how I was feeling. Andy can be a lot like Tom. They’re different in the way that Andy likes others to be like him, whereas Tom’s hung up on being different. Tom likes to make it a point to arrange things differently, eat differently, have different habits both non-sexual and sexual and so much more.

Andy and Tom both go against things you ask of them a lot. They also live up to things you accuse or assume about them. In other words, cuz I tell Tom he seems to prefer sex at the end of his day, he’ll go out of his way to live up to that expectation and want sex at the end of his day. They also are payback kinds of people, but we all tend to give what we get within reason. If I’m gabbing away to Tom when he first wakes up, which neither of us likes, he does it to me when I wake up.

THURSDAY, MAY 30, 1996
It took me a couple of days after that attack to get my strength back. I was pretty exhausted and had been sleeping in spurts, but that’s how it usually works after an attack. Emotionally, I was pretty bummed, too. That Melatonin had seemed like a miracle cure, but as they say - if something’s too good to be true, it isn’t true.

What the hell, though? I don’t need to work and I’ll never have a child, so it doesn’t matter if I can hold a schedule or not. Tom believes and tells me to stop trying and it’ll naturally happen by itself. He means the schedule and the kid. He believes things are just handed to you on a silver platter and that they just happen on their own if you don’t try or put any effort into them. Is this why I still smoke? Why haven’t I just happened to have quit smoking then, if I haven’t been trying which has been the case with me?

Tom downloaded Crazy 8’s from AOL. We played each other on the two computers and then I played myself and it’s really cool and a lot of fun. You can play against the computer or with someone else on another computer.

The pigeons are really very strange. One laid an egg in the pool.

We did missionary position last night. I really, really enjoyed it, but he didn’t last more than a few minutes since his shoulders were sore (he’s always sore or tired).

Later…

Tom’s up now and last night we discussed having fun this morning, but I don’t know. He really only likes sex at the end of his day or before bed. He may not want to do anything this morning or maybe he’ll just want to go down on me. I don’t think he feels comfortable screwing towards the beginning of his day when he’s most energetic and therefore has a harder time holding back.

I wanted to see if he really pays attention as I believe he does to when I get my periods. So I told him I forgot to write down when I got it and asked if he knew. He knew. So on June 8th when I’m mid-cycle, he won’t touch me. I still wonder why, though, when he knows I can’t get pregnant with him not cumming and I doubt he’s worried he’d slip and let go since he never has yet. And why would God help keep him away from me then when Tom won’t cum and when God knows that all he has to do is make sure I’m sterile due to the DES or something else?

MONDAY, MAY 27, 1996
Cuz it’s Memorial Day, Tom wished he could’ve been here this morning, rather than helping David and Evie move. It’s best that he wasn’t here, cuz who would want to deal with what I went through this morning? One of us was enough.

After 4 hours of sleep (yes, the Melatonin’s really a bust and Robin’s really full of shit by saying not to worry about my schedule and other stuff), I awoke wheezing. It was the worst attack in quite a while which took an hour to fight off, even though I knew I wouldn’t need to go to the ER. In the end, I stopped breathing for a few minutes as my lungs were just sooo tired. Next thing I knew, I sprang up, coughed up a blob of shit and was fine. I was weak and exhausted, but I could breathe. Then I fell asleep for about 5 more hours.

SUNDAY, MAY 26, 1996
It’s been quiet so far today, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the little unruly monsters come out to play on their monkey bars any minute now.

I had cramps earlier, but Ibuprofen took care of that and I’ve been trying to keep busy when possible. I did laundry and de-dutied the patio.

Later…

All’s still peaceful and no assholes next door. They haven’t been around for most of the weekend. I think she was dropped off by someone yesterday evening, but they were out all day yesterday and today. Fine with me.

When my cramps settled down, I said to Tom, “I want to get pregnant next month instead of having to go to work.”

“Fine with me,” he said, but I know better. I know what I can and need to do, but why do I get the feeling he’s making little excuses to stop me? He said he wants me to get a job doing something I like, but that’s just a fantasy. Everyone hates their jobs, or else I’d have been doing what I like to do a long time ago. He said we should save the $2 it costs for a paper to get cigarettes with till next week and next week I should be more comfortable with my schedule. I’m sure his parents or David and Evie have the paper and I can’t keep using my schedule as an excuse to not do what’s right and what needs to be done. I can’t use that as an excuse any more than I can use my asthma or the ADD.

Tom told me that he knows in his mind that my parents feel bad about the funny farms, foster homes, etc. He feels that they felt they were doing the right thing at the time, only to regret it and that they’ll feel guilty about it all their lives and will always feel uncomfortable around me. He says they still care about me and love me, but they’re never gonna know how to interact with me that well or how to deal with me without feeling uncomfortable and guilty. Well, I know Mom’s expressed feelings about Brattleboro being a mistake, but do they really feel that guilty or sorry about the whole thing? No. I don’t think so, anyway. I also don’t think it was just a case of them feeling it was best to toss me away. I think they gave up on me and just didn’t want to deal with me, so they stuck me in other people’s hands. Mom’s made it a common practice since I was around 7 to get rid of me. First it was camps or other people’s houses and then all the places I was sent to when I became a ward of the state. They always expressed high opinions about Valleyhead, which of course, I felt was just about the worst place of them all, so if that’s changed, I don’t know. I think they weren’t too happy with the stops along the way to Valleyhead, like Brattleboro, the foster homes, and the state hospital, but once at Valleyhead, I think they were thrilled about it and I thought they still would be, but I could never know for sure what’s really in their minds about it and it’s done and over with, anyway.

I used to wish they would feel guilty about it all, but now that there’s a chance they might, I have mixed emotions about it. I mean, yeah, I felt they gave up on me and I’ll never forget those places and it’ll probably always affect me in different ways, but at the same time, maybe they didn’t know this and thought it’d help me. Also, once the quack shrinks, who are usually no better than street drug dealers, saw that my folks were never on my side, took that to their advantage and preyed on my parent’s trust in them and they drugged me up and labeled me crazy, and my parents, who trust doctors, believed them. So the shrinks are guilty, too, for brainwashing my parents and me and helping my parents to brainwash me.

SATURDAY, MAY 25, 1996
Well, now I know for sure just what a liar Robin really is and so much for asking God to help me do the right thing. Maybe God helped to make not having a kid easier to deal with, along with my chat with Tammy, but I can’t believe I’d ask him for help to do the right thing in life, just to have him throw that up in my face. I really, really don’t have a destiny, do I?

Robin said don’t worry about my schedule. Then why did I have to sleep 12 fucking hours and not get up till 12:30? I set my alarm and got up at 8:30, but I was just too damn tired. Tom says don’t worry, I’m supposed to have setbacks at first cuz it’s new so my body’s gonna try resisting it, but that it did help for longer than usual and it’ll still work out. I also got my period shortly after I woke up and Tom said that that’s a part of it, too.

So, what am I gonna do? Get a job and have to call out every two weeks or every month cuz of my schedule and period? God doesn’t want me to have a kid, but doesn’t he want me to do anything with my life? Can’t he just help me help myself even if it’s just a little bit? Why won’t he help me? Doesn’t he want me to work and bring in extra money? Or does he always want me to be a little disabled wimp who has to have her husband do it all while she stays at home on this erratic schedule? Again, I just wish I knew why he hates me so much and why I can’t get no help from him. I’ve put an honest effort into trying to help myself for the longest time, so obviously he doesn’t want me on a schedule and able to work, any more than he wants me to have a kid. I know what I can’t have and can’t be in this life, but I wish he’d help give me some other kind of a life. I’m just a waste product wanting the impossible and not being able to do anything but sit around and fail. I don’t want to be a failure and I agreed to not fight God’s wishes for me, so why can’t he help me get some kind of schedule and job going?

Did God send Robin into my life, telling her to be nice, then to turn on me? Or did I do something to piss Robin off to make her turn on me? And she also says don’t worry about anyone around here? Then why were the kids two houses down screaming their heads off yesterday morning and a little while ago? Those dogs of theirs obviously aren’t pets. They were bought for the sole purpose of acting like guard dogs, so they must be chained down in the opposite corner of the yard so they won’t attack the kids. I doubt they do daycare on weekends, so their own kids are getting older, which means they’ll be outside screaming up a storm more often when it’s not scorching hot. And here I was, always so glad that they never went out back. That sure has changed. Luckily, I can’t hear a damn thing inside, cuz the freeloader’s house blocks the sound from coming in here.

I’m just mad that I let myself take a fall again and suckered myself into believing the Melatonin was a cure-all and that our new position just might work. Yeah, right! No way in hell. Tom knows it and so do I. Why do I kid myself and let him do it too? I need to keep taking Tammy’s advice and get a life and get a job and fuck the sex life and the kid. They’re a joke, but the job I need to get isn’t, so I’ve got to look real hard and well in tomorrow’s paper.

Oh, this is just fucking great. I just saw the top of a kid’s head, since the monkey bars are just over the top of the block wall and the dogs are going off too, cuz of their fucking screaming and antics. God’s just gotta do something. If it isn’t across the street, if it isn’t next door, it’s something somewhere. What the fuck is he trying to tell me? Am I gonna have to listen to this shit whenever it’s not hot out? Is there to be no more peace in my own backyard anymore? Is my own backyard gonna sound like when the M’s kids would scream up a storm? Why can’t I just live in peace with only the sounds I or my husband create? I can’t even hear myself think out back and God would I either want to die or kill them and the dogs if they were right next door! I know for a fact that going over there and bitching about it won’t do a damn bit of good, since the anonymous dog complaint didn’t. So let me guess, every day from September to May and also on cooler summer days, they’ll be out there raising hell? Thanks, God. Thanks, a real lot.

I just want to find a job and have peace in my own backyard. Too much to ask for? So far it seems to be.

Later…

Tom’s over at Mary’s working on her computer. I was gonna go, too, but stood back in case it aggravated my cramps. He should be home soon and we’re hoping she gave him some good computer stuff or preferably money since we need that more, but who knows?

Tammy called earlier with computer questions. She and Tom talked. Later, I called Tammy and she was telling me how they had to shoot the rooster they had for going after Sarah. Guess they’re aggressive and territorial. Tammy said she was afraid of it, too, and that kicking it was like kicking a block of steel.

She says Mom and Dad only sent them $35 for their anniversary and no packages.

That’s it? I’m surprised as they usually send more. Tammy says Mom got Dad a nice diamond ring for his birthday and they’re probably broke now.

Yeah, right!

Tammy also says she was surprised to hear that Mom didn’t call me as she called her to thank her for the ring when Dad got back. Did she call Larry? Anyway, I don’t see why she should’ve called like Tammy said. She doesn’t need to call me.

Tom just called to see how I was, and I told him that I should be, but am not as doomed feeling or pissed as I may sound. I told him, though, that there’s no peace at all out back since they put up those monkey bars. Then he said, “We’ll have one of our own and compete.”

I said, “I wish,” even though I wanted to remind him that that’s impossible. I realize that just cuz I know a kid isn’t possible doesn’t mean I have a right to keep him from expressing what he believes. Time will prove me right, whether he knows it or not.

FRIDAY, MAY 24, 1996
Today I was rescued from the NHA 4 years ago. Like with Brattleboro and Valleyhead, it seems like centuries ago as well as yesterday. Most things kind of always feel that way, I guess.

The Melatonin may be a bust after all. I couldn’t fall asleep till around midnight, maybe later and I got up at 9:15. So unless I can back my schedule up, it will keep rotating around, but slower. I knew things were too good to be true and I wonder why I don’t feel our new position won’t work. I should feel it won’t work cuz I still say he’s either against a kid or has a physical problem.

Why do I feel and know he won’t cum this way? I felt and knew other things we tried wouldn’t work, so what makes me think this could be different? Maybe the reason I don’t feel what I should feel is that I’ve long come to accept and expect the obvious. It’s still been easier to deal with too, which I believe is due to my talk with Tammy and my praying for help with dealing with it and for help to do what’s right for me.

I picked the perfect day yesterday to straighten my hair since I won’t be swimming for a handful of days. It’s cooler now and it sort of feels like September.

Later…

I finished whiting out the backgrounds on all the pictures I could.

I can’t believe it’s late May out there. It feels like September or October. It’s overcast and slightly cool.

I took an old piece of plastic which I’ll use to cover the cushions on the bench swing. Those birds really messed up that thing!

Tom’s stopping by his parents’ place after work to mow their lawn so we won’t be so tied up this weekend, then he’s gonna grab some groceries on the way home. He says if I need to get a hold of him call him over there at his parents’ place.

Later…

Chicken pigeon returned yesterday, but I haven’t seen him today.

I found it rather ironic that my horoscope said I’m in a “position” to help someone tremendously, so it’d be foolish not to. I just can’t imagine it. I just can’t imagine Tom getting off all of a sudden. I can’t imagine him ever getting off. I’m sure he would not lie and say he did, though. He tried that once and saw it didn’t work.

THURSDAY, MAY 23, 1996
Got up at 8:00. I’m sort of tired today and last night I needed two Melatonin to fall asleep.

They said it’s supposed to be very windy out today, but so far it’s just a bit breezy. It’s a little cooler, too.

We tried that position earlier for the first time in ages. All would’ve been well if I hadn’t curled my hips up. Tom said next time to keep my body straight like it is when we do our usual position.

Robin came to me last night, but first, Tom reminded me that I have taken two Melatonins once before. Anyway, Robin said she wouldn’t stay long as she knows I’m not too happy with her and that I believe she’s lying. She said not to be afraid to do this position and that it’ll work better than either of us ever thought and won’t take long to do so. She also says don’t worry about my schedule, next door or anyone else around here. Lastly, she still swears I’ll be pregnant by September.

Why is she doing this? What does she want from me?

WEDNESDAY, MAY 22, 1996
They’re home next door today. I wonder why and what they’re doing? Yesterday and today they’ve been watering their yard. I know their front door is open, cuz their front door is across from their side living room window that can be seen from the music room. So, when I look out, I can see straight through if their blinds are open and I can see their door open.

Later…

They left next door right after I typed my last entry.

My birds were hanging out on the wall that divides their driveway from the side of the house where I was looking out from the music room window. They were trying to get into the sides of the attic next door, but they couldn’t fit in through the strips of wood.

When I said I can hear the kids two yards down, it meant that I will, but haven’t yet. When it cools down, I expect to, but I hope I’m wrong.

On that show Law & Order, 1 captain, 4 cops, 1 DA and 1 assistant DA has left the show and now they’re gonna kill the 2nd assistant DA off in a car accident, so I guess that means she’s leaving and will be replaced with someone new. This will be the 8th person to leave the show.

I’ve got more to write about later, but right now, I want to go watch Little House on the Prairie.

Later…

I just ended up chatting with Andy for the last hour. I was telling him about the Melatonin and he was talking about Quinn and his new roommate Laura who he works with. I hope this new roommate of his works out since she’s a tweaker. He says she’s been helpful and responsible, and I hope she stays that way and that it works out. He says he’d like to have her around for about 6 months, even though he prefers to live alone, so he can get out of debt.

As I was checking to see if I had any email, I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be nice if Dad left a message while he was there? Dad’s on his way back now. Anyhow, he did leave me a message saying:

Hi shorty, it’s your favorite dad visiting his favorite daughter. Hope you and Tom are both well. The weather is nice and comfortable here. Heading back to Florida Wednesday morning, Tammy picked up mom’s ring and I will be bringing that and the card back to mom. You and Tom stay well and cool.

Love Daddy O.

P.S. Tone down your four-letter words on AOL because of your nieces who also use this computer.

I had to laugh when he said what he said about the 4 letter words since Tammy swears like a truck driver. Also, I had no idea that the kids read my messages. Tammy says they’re not supposed to, but that Dad was right there when she was trying to reply to one of my messages and she hit the wrong button. She was describing one of the two mistakes I’ve made myself a few times.

I also told Tammy about the Melatonin and will tell my folks, too.

I haven’t seen Chicken Pigeon in almost a week now. Tom says he thinks he met someone and is nesting with her, but will be back someday. He said don’t be surprised if Measles disappears for a while, too. Measles is a female, though, and Tom said she was being hit on. All the male birds always hit on the female birds.

Now, as for last night - I realize I should not get my hopes up. I know that Tom’s suggested lots of other things that he said he was sure would help him and they didn’t. I know he could still have a physical problem or that he could still be playing with me. I’m not the only one that can act and seem believable, so I know there’s a chance that he could be knowingly and intentionally just playing with my head, waiting to get a kick out of my seeing the joke was on me when he never cums. He still could be lying about wanting a kid and God could still be determined to see that I never have a kid.

Later…

I could punch myself right now! Why do I always have to be so stupid and ruin things when they’re going so well? Tom and I were lying in bed, ready to experiment with that position when I said he needed to change shampoos cuz his hair had that medicated smell. I didn’t mean to hurt him and I should’ve known better that he’s still a more sensitive guy than usual.

Then my mind started flying with thoughts like, that position would never work. Other things he suggested didn’t, so why should this work? Don’t kid yourself or set yourself up to fall yet again.

Then I realized that whether he cums or not, I have a goal of my own which I’d like to try to accomplish while enjoying something new. I’d rather try it and have neither of us cum, than never try it and always wonder if either of us could’ve and would’ve.

Anyway, we talked it out and it’s over. Tom says neither of us should blame me, but I still feel it was my fault. I should think harder before speaking as the last thing I want to do is hurt, upset, or annoy Tom and he knows this.

TUESDAY, MAY 21, 1996
Got up at 8:00 today.

I’ve got 15 more pictures to white out backgrounds on, so I’m gonna go get started.

Later…

Oh great. They’re putting up monkey bars two yards down. Now I can hear those kids more often. Why would they suddenly play in back? They used to hang out in front like most people here do.

Anyway, Tom and I just went swimming and now he’s doing computer work.

Later…

Tom just explained something to me that just made perfect sense to me and not only did it make sense, but I believed him. I believed him.

Well, first of all, his favorite position is to be on top. This is understandable as my favorite position is on my back. He also explained to me and showed me how the top part of the head of his dick is most sensitive and doesn’t get the needed friction in our usual position. He lay on top of me and showed me how he prefers to lay and it didn’t hurt at all or make it hard for me to breathe.

He says this will eliminate 90% of our past sexual difficulties. Or did he say it’d help 90%? Whatever.

Another thing is that he’s not the only one challenged with doing something new (or something he hasn’t done in a while). I have a new challenge and goal myself. I’ve never cum with a dick in me before without my fingering my clit and I hope to. If not, I still enjoy his dick no matter what and can cum by his tongue or fingers. What he said about that sensitive spot on his dick makes sense cuz it’s like that with clits, too.

He said I may not have the kid the first time cuz miscarriages are common for all women, let alone DES daughters.

True. Very true.

Well, I’m gonna try really hard at our goals and try not to give up, no matter how long it takes and I’ve got to try not to put too much pressure on him. Talking about something you want is one thing, but I must remember to support the guy in a soothing, loving, and non-pressuresome way.

I hope the DES hasn’t got me good and I know there are pressures in life, but I think we can be much more relaxed. Maybe there is hope after all and maybe it just wasn’t our time up to now. Good things really are worth waiting for.

Neither of us can buy or not buy what Robin said, but with her being right on everything else, the Melatonin and his being able to be on top without crushing me, it does make me wonder here and there.

MONDAY, MAY 20, 1996
Not much else happened last night.

As soon as I told Tom I was sexually content, but would be happy to take care of him, he lost interest. Pleasing me really makes him happy and is all that matters to him. Why aren’t I flattered? I should be.

My wonderful drawing luck has been compensated when I tried doing more people. Better run back to flowers and animals for a while.

Last night I took a Mel. I slept from around 11:00 – 6:00. So far, so good, and tonight will make 5 nights of sleeping at night. Last night was the first night in quite a while where I didn’t wake up having to pee. I’m able to go back to sleep, though, when I do get up to pee.

If this 10-year-long depressing, frustrating sleeping schedule truly is over - what a miracle! A sign of some big deal job or that college is on for September? Maybe. Otherwise, why wasn’t there help with this problem a long time ago? What a shock, though. I’d have bet my life on never being able to solve or fix my schedule problem. If only I could be made to eat my words yet again and get pregnant! One of my biggest fears about it has just been dealt with and taken care of. It would take my getting pregnant to be an optimist, but I know better. It’s impossible with Tom, the DES and God. If an outer source influenced Tom hearing about and getting the Melatonin and me taking it for the help I needed from it, I wonder who it is. God? Robin? Something or someone else?

I think I finally figured something out. I asked myself how I knew I couldn’t be wrong about feeling and believing I’ll never have a kid like I ended up being wrong about getting here and marrying. It’s a woman’s intuition. Women’s intuition doesn’t apply to moving or marrying in the way that it applies to having a kid. That’s how I know for sure with no doubt that I’ll never have a kid.

Well, I think I’ll go read the romance book I’m reading.

Later…

I got a boring letter from Bob with a few boring drawings that weren’t too impressive. He can do better.

He also sent me a picture of his 101-year-old dad who recently died and his 2 sisters. His dad’s 2 sisters, not his, I think. One of the sisters and Bob haven’t seen or spoken to each other in 40 years. I wonder why?

I was so pissed cuz the pretty floral lounge chair we got last spring ripped. I nearly fell through. Now I have to sit on the grass on a towel, but that way is easier to lay on my back and stomach and get a more thorough tan.

I’ve got good color now. Not great color, but I’m not ghostly white.

I changed and added words to Bob’s letter and I’ll send it to Kim in my next letter to her.

Later…

Tom’s going through his mail now.

It’s too early for sex, but I’m not really in the mood for it, so I doubt he will be.

We played cards earlier and now I’m just killing time till a movie I want to see goes on. Perhaps I’ll go draw or write. I have a list of drawings I want to do black and white duplicates of in my sketchbook.

SUNDAY, MAY 19, 1996
Last night I slept from 11:00 – 7:00 and I didn’t need Melatonin.

Tammy did get Ma’s card. So much for Larry or Tammy calling me to let me know they got it like they said they would.

Tom worked on the car, mowed and de-dutied the patio. I did laundry and a few other things.

I’m gonna listen to music while he showers. Then he’ll go down on me before we go see his parents. When we return, we’ll probably go swimming, and then we’ll screw so he can have today’s hard-on.

Later…

I love this time of year. It’s so quiet and peaceful, yet scorching hot. If it were winter now, I’d hear those dogs much more often and who knows what kids would be playing ball next door.

They’ve still been quiet next door. They haven’t been around since yesterday. They were pulling out as we were pulling in after bombing.

We were at Mom and Dad’s earlier and then Tom dropped me off and returned to do some work for them after stopping at Radio Shack.

He got in a short while ago and we probably won’t go swimming later. I’ve had my share of the sun and the pool for today.

I brought my sketchbook to Mom and Dad’s and showed them what I’ve done so far.

Later…

Tom has some good news but says it’s not definite. Ma mentioned paying someone to mow when they needed it. She said she’d pay them $20. Then Tom jokingly said, “If you’re gonna pay that much, I’ll do it and Jodi can vacuum and help with the housecleaning.”

Tom says he’ll stand by any decision I make, but he doesn’t think my working is gonna be all that helpful to him and he’s not sure working is what’s best for me. It’s the only other choice I’ll ever have in life, next to staying home all the time and watching Tom struggle all by himself. Isn’t it fair that I do my share of bringing in income? I could still work part-time and take care of the house and help his folks.

This Sunday, or next Sunday, we’re gonna look at the ads. Toms says they have mail-in applications.

Really? How cool. How convenient, too.

Tom says he wants me to keep an open mind as far as what I do for work and to be selective. Well, I can’t be too selective with no special training or experience, so I’ll do my best. A cashier or a housekeeper is pretty much as good as I can get.

I asked Tom why he was so eager to get me to see my parents in a year or two and he said cuz I talk about it a lot, it must be important to me. But I talked a lot about a kid, yet he didn’t seem so eager about that and going to a doctor and doing whatever it took for that, did he?

Anyway, most people hate their jobs and earn shitty money, but we all gotta do what we gotta do to survive, but hopefully I can find a job that’s at least OK.

I think I’ll go listen to music and maybe read or draw. It’s too early for Tom to participate in sex. He usually goes to bed around 8:00, so at 7:00 is probably when we’ll screw.

He gets up at 4:30, but at that time he only wants to watch TV or work on the computer.

SATURDAY, MAY 18, 1996
These number stickers are from a kid’s meal I had gotten. It goes to a calendar, but I didn’t want to use it. There are 21 other stickers, too, like this. The rest I just threw on the front cover of my next paper journal.

I’m not gonna have enough room in here for all my updating but let’s just say that Tom’s admitted he doesn’t think we’ll need to see a doctor in April and no, he doesn’t want to, but he agreed to. He says part of life and being mature and grown-up means doing things you don’t want to do, but he swears he still wants a kid.

Whatever.

The Melatonin looks promising, but being the pessimist I am, I’d be more convinced in another week or two as to how helpful it really is. I did manage to crash at around 11 PM and I got up at 5:45.

The sticker, by the way, in front of this book is pretty neat. It changes temperature and colors. I mean, it changes when made cold to a deep purple, and then to pink when warmer.

Anyway, we left just after 6:30 and we were out for nearly two hours. We went to get cash, then breakfast at a drive-through. We ate in the car and of course, we had Piggy with us. Piggles is great during car rides. Very comfortable and even spunky.

After eating, we checked out the hours of two different art stores and stopped at Walmart. We got Piggy a new bail of sawdust and 4 of my favorite pens. I got blue, green, red and black and in the next book, I’ll change colors every day.

Well, I’m out of room here, so I’ll pick up on the rest of what Tom and I did in my next book. Bye!

Later…

Throughout this book, you’ll see mini stamps here and there. My original plan was to use another set of different colored markers to do different sections. However, they skip like hell which I get sick of. I may either put mini stamps by the sides of the entry dates in here or I may highlight them in green since I used yellow, blue and pink in my last 3 books. Or maybe I just won’t bother, since I plan on switching colors daily. The next time I run out of pens, I want to go back to the art store I was at today and get a purple Precise pen, which is the brand I’m using now and 3 Le Pens. In terracotta, maroon and sky blue.

Now I’ll finish with what we’ve done so far.

When we returned, we aired the place out and I straightened up and washed stuff while Tom did Piggy’s cage. He also sanded and fixed the screen on the front screen door.

Then we went back out and got some candy and I got Tammy and Bill’s anniversary card and dad’s Father’s Day card. I also got a new journal.

At the art store, there were some beautiful journals, but they were $7. The one I got was $3 and that’s a better deal when you really have no extra money.

At the art store, I also got drawing stumps (for smudging and blending) and a really cool eraser. It was a refill that goes into a pen holder (the eraser’s long and skinny) and you sharpen it like a pencil. I just got the long skinny eraser, figuring it’d be much easier for me to work with.

Then we came home, Tom licked my pussy and now he’s at the racetrack hoping to win money to buy software he’s dying for. When he comes home, we may go for a swim and play around a little more.

Later…

I’m actually a bit tired now, but Tom says that’s how I should feel. The body should naturally feel tired after sleeping too little the previous night. Not all revved up as mine would normally feel.

I got something in the mail today that I’d forgotten all about. I got it through a commercial I’d seen as a free trial offer. A wine glass and 4 Silhouette Romance novels. Romance novels aren’t my favorites, but I can deal with them occasionally. I don’t drink wine, but the wine glass is pretty.

Tom won $60 bucks at the racetrack and got the software he wanted. I’m glad for him.

We went swimming earlier and he cooked us bacon and eggs.

FRIDAY, MAY 17, 1996
Last night I took the Melatonin for the first time. For the third time in a row, I had been up for 18 hours and had only slept 6 hours. I took it and fell asleep an hour later at 7:00 PM. Then I awoke at 2:30 wheezing. So I settled that down, took another one and conked out till 7:00. I only woke up for a few seconds at 4:30. I finally got all caught up on my sleep. It’s too soon, though, to tell if it’ll keep me on a schedule.

I typed letters to Larry and my parents and later or tomorrow I’ll do one for Bob and Kim.

Later…

I just took a break to sing for the second time today.

Maybe birds really are psychic like I heard some people think. I was sitting there thinking that I hadn’t seen Chicken Pigeon, but then I remembered how he usually shows up at sunup and towards the end of the day. But then I thought to myself - where’s Measles? He should be here now. Then, just as if he knew what I was thinking, he came flying in. I fed him some seed right away out of the cup and the other birds know he’s one of my favorites and they each flew up on the table by my chair where Measles was eating from the cup and nudged my hand as if to say, “Hey! What about us?”

I guess they do nest in palm trees and not buildings like Tom and I thought, cuz I’ve seen them take twigs up into the palm trees across the street.

One of them did something so funny the other day. My cigarette bucket and their food bucket were about 3 inches apart from each other on the table, when I slowly, without looking, went to flick my ash. I then noticed one backing up in between the 2 buckets and he was stuck and had no room to open his wings and he wasn’t about to walk forward into my cigarette. So I quickly pulled it away and he bounced off my lap and off of other birds’ backs.

I hope to hell those bee things we ordered today work. I can’t picture myself ever getting over my fear of bees on my own, any more than I can picture Tom cumming. It just isn’t us. Never has been, never will be.

If Tom really never has ever experienced an orgasm, like I wonder, I feel so sorry for him. He doesn’t know what he’s missing. It’s the best feeling in life that the human body can feel, in my opinion.

If it’s a case of a physical problem that Tom knew he always had, I wonder if he decided to lie about it cuz he felt that that was the best thing he could tell me. Maybe he did always know he lied about it like I mostly always thought, but felt that he was truly doing the right thing and maybe he never thought it’d hurt me and now he feels like he’s in it way too deep to admit it or maybe he’s really gotten himself to believe what he says. I’ll never know. But my journal is my place to wonder, to dream, to analyze, to fantasize and so very much more.

Just think, though, an impotent guy with an infertile woman. How cute. Maybe God sent me a guy like Tom as a payback for cutting guys down which God so very much favors over women, despite my DES.

I dumped the vibrator this morning. Tom got batteries, but the day before I had a vibe that it was broken. I told Tom that I’d try it out, but that if it didn’t work, I’d say it wasn’t meant to be and dump it. So, Tom said he didn’t buy as many batteries as he was gonna till I saw if my vibe was right. It was, and I guess that’s just part of God’s “faulty” sexual stuff that applies to me and those I know.

Tom did it again last night and this morning. Last night he said he’s gonna make sure I get to see my folks within the next year or two and I think I can really believe that. Then today he said he’s trying to get out of the next 3 house payments and have them stuck on the end of our payments so we can catch up. He says this has caused him to change some plans of ours. I said to let me know what they were when he could and he said, “Not anything major like that.” I know that he means the kid and I started to get angry at his confusing contradictions, but then I realized, I know the truth, I don’t need to get angry. I know we can’t go to Florida in a year or two and have me get pregnant by September or anytime during that year or two. If a kid had been meant for us and if we were gonna go for sure within the next year or two, we’d have to go first and make the kid after.

I can’t believe we didn’t get one piece of mail today. What a rare occasion for us.

Remember how I said I sent away for 6 books? Well, I guess they are gonna be sending them cuz they sent a card yesterday saying they were out of stock of one of them. When and if I’ll get any for sure; we’ll have to see.

I’m looking forward to getting out of here this weekend, but I can’t wait till we have extra spending money just to have fun with. I guess we’re still a long way away from that, but it’s nice to sit and fantasize about us each having a few hundred bucks to go blow in the mall or wherever.

Later…

Tom wants sex today. Oh, brother. I’m not even in the mood. He’s waiting till he’s close to going to bed, as usual. You can that any more eager on his part?

I’m watching a movie right now. It’s pretty good. It’s called Malicious. It’s about a girl who’s obsessed with a guy who’s spoken for.

Right before Tom went to bed, or about a half-hour before he went to bed, he and I lay in bed chatting. I told him I wasn’t horny at the moment and I offered just to do him, but he doesn’t like that, even though he sometimes pretends to and denies that all he wants to do is please only me.

Boy, this is a good movie. She broke into his house, then she drugged him so she could fuck him.

At 10:00 I’m gonna take a Melatonin and then again at 11:00 and then go to bed. Tom’s gonna spray out back around the patio area at sunup, then he’s gonna wake me up at 6:00. At 6:30 we’re gonna bomb and leave for two hours. We’re gonna go out to Jack-n-the-Box for breakfast and cruise around till we return. Then at 10:30, or so, we’ll go to the art store and a pet shop to get new sawdust for Piggy. Around noon, Tom and his parents are gonna go to the racetrack.

Later…

I just took a Melatonin and am gonna crash in an hour or two. I don’t know if I’ll take another pill before bed. If I don’t sleep much, fine. I slept a long time last night. Melatonin is a type of vitamin. It says you can take it as a dietary supplement.

THURSDAY, MAY 16, 1996
I haven’t been writing consistently cuz my mind was just so overwhelmed. I wish my talk with Tammy was recorded and I wish my thoughts were, too. Every time I think of something I want to write, it’s not always convenient for me to write a note about it. I’ll just have to try my best to remember stuff from here.

Once again, Tammy’s basically saying that I should love Tom unconditionally whether or not he’s lied, or can or can’t admit what his problem is or whether he wants help or not. I guess what I need to do is continue to not feel hurt or angry or that he lied to me, cuz of the DES as the bottom line, anyway. I should remember that while I shouldn’t call him a liar, I shouldn’t take the things he says or promises too literally, either. People make small talk, people contradict themselves and each other, people say things that they don’t mean literally and that’s just life.

I wrote Tom a little note that I was gonna work really hard at supporting him, doing for him, loving him, and allowing him to do what he feels best for him and that I’d stop trying to change him. He seems pleased that I’ve finally come to not take him so literally and that I’ve agreed to let him be as he is.

I don’t think I’ll ever be so angry at him again about this since it’s God’s doing and the DES’s doing. At least I hope the anger and depression are gone. I mean, it isn’t gone and it may never be gone, but hopefully it’ll stay dormant where it’s easier to deal with. I hope I really can be looking forward to the end of feeling like I’m gonna die over it. I want so much to be happy. I hate feeling miserable and depressed and like I said, I miss how much happier I was when I first got here, but I don’t miss that life.

I believe Tom when he says he’s never gonna give me a confession. I think he’s just gonna continue not to do anything towards having a kid, but I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure if he’s lying or not or if he can and will be helped or not. I think all I can do is have theories about it for the rest of my life. Perhaps he knew all along that he’s really got a physical problem, but never had the heart to tell me and I don’t think impotence can be cured. Whatever the case, maybe he is rather embarrassed about it and I know he’s a sensitive guy.

At least he seems to know now, that he can cum or not cum and that whatever he chooses to do that makes him happy is what matters. We all have to give up things for our loved ones and if giving up the hopes of him cumming and us having a kid is what it’s gonna take to make him happy, then so be it. Even if the DES didn’t make me infertile, I had no right to try to change him and make him cum and it’s my fault that I took his promise so literally. I wouldn’t believe someone who said I had purple hair and green skin and was tall, but I should’ve known him better from the get-go.

Tom’s gonna take a couple of sick days off from work so he can take me to put in job applications and I’m also working really hard on the drawing. I can’t believe I’ve done 5 pretty decent face drawings in the last few days. I hope this luck isn’t compensated. Tom says he doesn’t think it’s luck anymore, but that I’m improving. I hope so and I think so, too.

I wonder if Tom knows I’ve told Andy and Tammy about us? He made a point to tell me to be careful what I say cuz he doesn’t want to be made out to sound like a wife-beater or something he’s not. When he said this, I wondered. If he knows, he either bugged the phone or read my journals, but I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong. After he threw that fit over my calling that nurse, he said it didn’t matter who I spoke to and Andy, Tammy and Kim can be trusted. They’re not gonna discuss it with anyone and if they did, it’d be with those who Tom and I don’t know. When we agreed on April of ‘97, I thought he meant that he didn’t want either of us to speak to a doctor about it in person till April of ‘97.

Since I can’t remember anything else that I had thought of to write in here and since I can’t remember every single thing Tammy and I said, I’m gonna leave it at this. I covered more than the highlights, anyway.

From here on out I’ll be basically working on trying to find myself and get a job going and get a life and make something practical and realistic out of myself. I’ll work on not taking Tom too seriously and literally, but not always insist that he’s a liar. I’ll definitely work on forgetting that kid. Maybe in the next life or in heaven, if such things exist.

I always knew a kid wasn’t to be for me and I’ve always accepted this, but if I have anything nice to say about God, it’s that I believe he’s helped me to deal with it and I believe he sent Tammy to help me put a closure to this kid issue and to deal with it better. I also believe that along with Tammy as my sign to get on the right track in life, he sent the Melatonin to me and helped me improve my drawing. I haven’t taken the Melatonin yet and I don’t know if it’ll help, but we’ll see.

I’m still so sorry for taking Tom literally and I’m sorry I misunderstood him when he said he wanted a kid. I believe he’s like an alcoholic. Alcoholics don’t always know when they’re drinking and doing certain things and they don’t always know they’ve got a problem and what they’re saying. Just like an alcoholic may keep saying they don’t have a problem, Tom kept saying he wanted a kid, and I as his wife should’ve seen through that and should’ve seen what he really wanted and not misunderstood him.

Here’s that poem Tom wanted me to write. It’s about how I perceive life and people in a very brief way.

Truth or Lies?

People may contradict themselves and each other.
People may lie or tell the truth to each other.
How much do people really mean what they say?
You may not find that out today.
How much do people really want what they say?
Only time will show us that.
Who are those that really love us?
It’s those that really show us that.
It’s up to us to weed out the truth,
And in time we’ll all know the truth.

Now I’m gonna keep this journal right by me so that I can write stuff down as I think of them during the course of the day.

Later…

I prayed again to God the other night and told him that I knew that this kid thing becoming easier and easier to deal with means that I’m closer to having a new issue to replace it. I told God - fine. Go for it. He can give me something new cuz the kid issue was just so old and miserable that I’m well overdue for something new for a change to have to deal with.

Later…

I just talked to Andy and filled him in on my chat with Tammy and he told me a few things. He and the Fireflies, his fantasy life as a touring worldwide singer, are going on tour soon for about 14 months. He’s been living out this fantasy for over 10 years and I play along with him as do others. He’s in a band with 2 or 3 others just like Fleetwood Mac and they mostly do alternative stuff and some rock stuff. Tom and I will be joining him for the first week in California. I told him I’d go with him to Hawaii and maybe some Spanish-speaking country as well as England so I could hear my favorite accent spoken.

Someone’s over next door doing yard work, but they’ve been quiet, so that’s good. It looks like they’ve hired someone to do their yard work. I’ve seen the same orange pickup truck out there once or twice before. The truck has lawnmowers and shit like that in it and I couldn’t see any writing on the truck, so it may be someone that they know. I hope they do yard work just cuz it needs to be done and not cuz they’re gonna have some huge party or live outdoors. Now would be a hell of a time for that, though, since it’s so hot. In fact, I’ll probably go swimming in a couple of hours.

I also called upon Robin one last time and told her that she, as a spirit, had no right or reason to lie to me. Spirits should be the last ones in this world to be liars and I told her that I’ll miss her and I appreciate her being right about next door, but that the last thing I need is her around telling me I’ll be pregnant by September when I know the truth and need to get on with my life. I’m making a very serious effort to not take Tom so literally and not be so quick to call him a liar and to stop fighting fate and to do the right thing and try to work for the rest of my life, so I don’t need this shit. She listened to what I had to say, said quickly that she wasn’t lying, and then quickly left. Good riddance. I suppose I’ll never know why she lied to me any more than I’ll know for sure what the scoop is with Tom. Well, God wants us all to have theories and dreams, or else he’d give us all we want in life and have us all know the answers to everything. Life definitely is about dreaming and guessing and playing detective as we weed out and learn what people really mean when they talk, as well as helping and doing for others while we love them and accept them as they are and not try to change them. Most of us may not live up to these rules and expectations, but I sure do intend to try harder than ever.

This morning Tom said that he felt like I wasn’t being very affectionate and that I was trying to avoid him. I’m not trying to avoid him, but I’m not ready to have sex again. I told him that if that’s what he wants, OK. However, I had thought it best to just be buddies for a while and build the relationship up before taking a chance on having sex complicating things. I told him I’ll go along with whatever he wants cuz I don’t want to neglect him or not give him what he wants or needs.

On Saturday we might be going to a tag sale in Paradise Valley. It’s a friend of Eileen’s that’s having it and if Eileen’s there; Tom may get free computer stuff. He doesn’t know if she’s gonna be there. Sorry, I forgot, it’s called a yard sale out here.

Sometime this weekend we’re also gonna get me new erasers and a stumper. The stumper is used for blending and shading sketches.

I’ve also got to get Tammy and Bill a card for their 10th anniversary that’s on the 25th.

We’ll also be seeing his parents too.

Tomorrow we’re finally sending away for those bee things. I hope to hell it works so I can go swimming during the day without fear. It’s supposed to send off sounds that humans can’t hear, but that’s supposed to drive bees and other insects crazy and keep them away.

Tom also picked up bombs so we can be free of spiders for 3 or 4 months.

I spoke to Kim yesterday. Neither of us has heard from Bob in a few days, but we don’t mind the break at all.

Kim isn’t seeing Doug anymore. She didn’t really get into why, but I guess they couldn’t communicate too well themselves.

Later…

I called Tammy and according to her, she hasn’t gotten the card I made up for Ma yet. She said maybe Larry gave it to dad. I hope so. I called Larry’s house and they finally have an answering machine. I left him a message about it.

TUESDAY, MAY 14, 1996
Between the conversation I had with Tom yesterday and the conversation I had with Tammy yesterday, my mind is overloaded with words, so now I’ll scan through my brain and remember as much as I can.

First Tom and I were talking and he was bringing up how I was so dead-set within my own mind about the fact that he’s deliberately not cumming and that he really doesn’t want a kid. Then he says we’re not communicating, but I find it awfully hard for someone who says, “I know I won’t want a divorce in the future,” and “I don’t know what the future holds or what I’ll feel or do,” to always be understandable. He said, “Here are some hypothetical ideas. Why can’t you accept that you might feel - OK, I won’t let him know this, but I’ll give up on him and maybe he’ll be right or maybe I’ll be right about the kid. Or just say - OK, he was wrong and I was right about the kid, but it’s just a little flaw of his. I still love him anyway.”

A little flaw? Yes, I still may love him anyway, but how can he call that a little flaw? How can Tammy? They make it sound like they might as well say to women, “If your man beats you and if you won’t fight back, just tell yourself it’s a little flaw he’s got and love him unconditionally and be supportive and understanding of his problem, whether he knows he’s got one or not and whether he’ll admit it or not.”

Anyway, I think I’ve gotten my sign from God that I asked him for to help put me on the track in life he wants me to be on. It’s a few different signs that all add up.

When I talked to Tammy yesterday, she really did get my mind to open up to other possibilities for the first time since the beginning of my relationship with Tom. The only thing she suggested that I don’t agree with is how she said that Tom really has a problem and that he can’t admit it as a male, it’s hard for a male to do and I should just get over it and love him unconditionally. So I should forgive him for promising us a kid while he has this problem that he may not ever want to admit or take care of all cuz it’s hard for a male to admit or do anything about such problems? She makes it sound like just cuz he’s a male and just cuz he has a problem it was OK for him to lie to me. Or just cuz he may have a genuine physical problem that he may or may not admit or want to fix and just cuz he’s a male, it’s OK for him to promise something that I really wanted?

As far as the signs go, here’s what I think they are and what they mean. His mom said she was really impressed with the Melatonin. She said she slept longer and better and didn’t wake up feeling hungover or like she took anything. So that could be a sign saying - you need to work cuz you aren’t ever having a kid, so take this cuz you need it to keep a schedule so that you can work. I also think Tammy was a big help to me in realizing all the more that I need to work.

She told me that the cancer has left Bill impotent and that he gets hard and soft, but can’t cum. She told me that she’s certain that Tom has a genuine problem and that he may never admit it and she doesn’t know if any doctor could ever get him to admit it or if a doctor could help him. I still think the bulk of me may always believe that he’s lying more so, but Tammy really drove it into me the fact that it’s cruel of me to judge him so harshly, not take him at face value and not be supportive and understanding of him and love him unconditionally when he’s accepted me for the way I am.

Maybe, just maybe, he is telling the truth and can’t admit that he has a physical problem and due to my being so caught up in my feeling he’s a liar, which he still very well may be, I keep forgetting the bottom line. I’m a DES daughter, my instinct and vibes say a kid isn’t meant to be, a kid is wrong for me, God won’t allow me a kid me, so does it really matter whether or not Tom’s lying? Does it really matter whether or not Tom will admit it and want to get help?

Half the people I’ve talked to believe what Tom believes. That it’s virtually impossible to conceive unless the guy cums in there cuz a few sperm aren’t likely to make it up there and that’s why there are millions. The other half says what Tammy says. She said if he really was afraid of me getting pregnant, he’d use birth control, cuz the pre-cum could get me pregnant and that someone who’s been fucking without protection for this long has an excellent chance of being sterile.

She also did say that if I stop calling him a liar and see if he opens up to me and wait to see what happens next April, maybe I’ll see if it’s meant to be or not. She said if it is meant to be, it’ll be.

The two things I’m most sorry for are that I really realize that he could just not be lying after all and if that’s true, I feel so guilty and so ashamed of myself. The other thing is, there’s no way in hell I can or will ever have a kid no matter what the real case is and I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure what the real case is. I’ll never know for sure if he’s lying or not and he swears he’ll never confess he lied to me, cuz he didn’t. Well, like I said, whether he’s lying or not or has a physical problem, I’ll probably never know.

I just wish guys weren’t so fucked up sexually. They either rape or only think below the belt all the time or they have problems they can’t deal with or won’t deal with and they end up lying to their women about it and making false promises as if they told a little white lie.

Tammy’s right, though, when she says forget about the kid, and remember that if it’s meant to be then it will be, and maybe someday we can adopt. Well, I don’t see either of us wanting to adopt and it’s certainly not to be.

When I look back, I guess I can see almost as many signs that said he’s got a physical problem, but I think I’ll always mainly believe what I said I’d probably mainly believe. I just wish I kept my mind open all along to other possibilities about Tom, however slight, and not been so angry at him when the real source of my never having a kid is the DES and God.

Yes, this wake-up call from Tammy and the possibilities of the Melatonin must be my sign from God telling me to work. I still don’t know where, what or when, but I’m sure I’ll be working soon enough.

Tammy said with confidence that destiny will come, but I think I’ve already lived it. I think things are meant to be as they are for me and I’ve reached my peak.

When Tammy was talking about unconditional love, she told me that Bill cheated on her when she was 7 months pregnant with Sarah and that she was hurt, angry and didn’t trust him for a while, but through communication, they worked it out and built their relationship back up.

She told me that about 9 years ago she’d get moody for no reason and everyone accused her of being a bitch and for deliberately acting that way, but she knew she had an honest problem. Lots of people have that just like the ADD. I’ve got and lots of people just don’t understand us or give a damn.

Tammy said I should get tested, but I don’t want to bother. I’m still sure in my mind that I’m sterile and whether I am or not doesn’t matter unless Tom ever does cum and then we’ll find out anyhow.

I also realized that I’ve been practicing what I preach. Now, it’s easy for me to say that his lies and procrastination are bigger, but lies and procrastination are just that. I promised to try more often to cut down on smoking and to smoke outside and I haven’t been. I said I’d decorate his monthly work calendar. It’s now halfway through the month and I just did it. No, I’m not perfect either.

MONDAY, MAY 13, 1996
Well, Tom’s dad is 84 today. I hope his birthday isn’t too miserable in spite of his condition.

Last night when I talked to Andy, he threw out some other ideas, suggestions and possibilities, but in the end, we were both still sure it’s a case of just what I know it’s a case of. He’s too scared to cum cuz he doesn’t want a kid and he doesn’t have the guts to tell me for fear of my reaction. It isn’t just fear of my reaction, but it’s also something he couldn’t enjoy playing with my head about anymore if he confessed. Maybe after 5 more years, he’ll have played this game enough, it’ll get old with him, and then he’ll be less afraid to tell me the truth. It’d be pure fantasy to wish him to have a kid with me, so realistically, I wish he’d just fess up. I pleaded with God earlier to please make him tell the truth, but all I sensed was anger and at the same time, I could see God laughing at me.

Andy told me a long time ago that he had sex with a girl once in his teens. He said that if he were afraid to make a kid, he wouldn’t be able to get hard and that’s what that nurse I talked to said was the case with her boyfriend till he let go once, got her pregnant and split. But Andy did get hard enough to go in her. I know he didn’t cum and that he was nervous about it cuz he didn’t want a kid, but he still got in there for a few minutes.

Remember how I asked if it was a coincidence that Tom and I each have abnormal things about us that the other has never heard about? I wonder if Andy and I are a coincidence. Not only are we both dealing with a serious issue that has us miserable, but we seem to both have reversed sides on some issues. Meaning, that until a few years ago, Andy never wanted a relationship, but there were offers from those that weren’t exactly second best. Now that he does want a relationship, he can’t even find that. Not with the right person, anyway. Then there’s my case. Everyone else I was with before meeting Tom, I wished could be one-sided sexually. I wished they’d just take care of me and me only cuz it was boring and a real drag for me to take care of them. Now I’ve got someone that I’d love to take care of whether or not I wanted a kid and he won’t let me. Well, he fakes it. We just pretend I’m taking care of him when in fact all I’m doing is exciting him so he can relieve himself later.

It’s just a no-win situation. I can’t have a kid, but I can’t make myself not want one, as wrong as it would be. I don’t want to be alone again, yet I don’t want to be with a liar.

Then Andy went on to tell me a story that even weirder than Tom is and Tom’s as weird as you can get.

Michelle has a 20-year-old friend who’s a really beautiful girl, from what they say and she was brave enough and honest enough to tell them that she’s not a virgin, but has never been stimulated, let alone able to cum. She can’t get excited or turned on by others and she can’t excite her own self or bring her own self to cum. Now that’s weird! This is someone who I’d say really does have a real, serious physical problem. So this brought Andy to wonder if Tom’s really ever had an orgasm and if he’s in denial about never being able to cum in his whole life, but no way. Then how could he get hard? If it were physical, he’d never be able to even get hard in the first place. Another reason why Andy had a moment where he thought it was a real, legit, physical problem was cuz it just didn’t make sense to him and he said, “I don’t see how he could not cum. I mean, eventually he’d have to cum. This isn’t something you can control. I know I’ve mentioned how guys hold back for a while, but eventually you do have to cum.” Well, Tom can hold back at all times and Tom doesn’t need to cum cuz he’s too afraid to.

Andy took the words right out of my mouth when he said that if Tom can lie about this, he could lie about anything. Yup, he could.

His reaction was also just what mine was and he said the same thing when I told him that Tom said that not talking about it for two weeks would be his cure-all to not cumming.

Yeah, right!

Andy agrees that if he’s been this way since we’ve been together, then it’s permanent.

The only thing that doesn’t go or make sense is that Tom’s otherwise overall character doesn’t go with telling such a lie like this. Scott M, my parents and others I’ve known would, so that’s why I think it’s a case of love and hate.

Andy suggested that maybe he never really wanted a wife and kid, but just a buddy. Someone to take care of and someone to take care of him. Other than my sexual needs and maternal instincts, he takes care of me, but he doesn’t need me to take care of him. If I dropped out of the picture right now, he’d be just fine. He has a car which he can drive and a job. He’d save more money if he was alone and he doesn’t need me to cook for him and he doesn’t need any of my stuff and he doesn’t need his house cleaned. We all know that he loves that trashed style of living, so why should he care? He doesn’t need me. There’s nothing that I can’t do for him that he can’t do for himself and if there is anything he can’t do for himself that I could do for him, it’s not anything he’d need to survive.

Andy’s not entirely sure what to believe, but the more I fill him in, I believe he believes what I do and he said so. I think he wishes, though, that he could believe otherwise, just like I sometimes wish I could. I’d hate to believe Tom but have him be lying in reality as he really is lying in reality. I pity those wives who refuse to believe their husbands are cheating on them when they really are. I’d hate to be that much of a sucker. I’m already enough of a sucker. I believed Tom when he said he wanted a kid, just like I believed Scott and my parents and so many others who promised to keep their word and be good to me.

I believe in that saying - what goes around comes around and I’d like to think that life or God would get him back for lying to me, but that won’t happen. He’s doing just what the master ordered. He and God are on the same side, so God isn’t gonna punish him or have some other source punish him.

I know it’s not me. Meaning, I know Tom’s not really all that attracted to me sexually, or else he’d probably have admitted the truth from the get-go so we could use protection so he could get off, but I know he doesn’t think I’m ugly. When I was with the people I was with in the past, neither of us wanted kids, I was usually fat and I knew less in bed than I know now, yet they had no problem getting off with me.

Tom says it’s impossible for words to “fall out” of the computer’s dictionary that I’ve added in.

Then how come they are?

Also, Tom tested and checked out my drawings on the computer with the backgrounds I whitened in and he said it looked better than he thought it’d look. So, I’m gonna go ahead and whiten more and who knows what we’ll try to sell and when. He said that he can’t see me making money by selling so many art disks as he can people requesting certain drawings from me if they like my style. He says people can be more personal with people that sell stuff by computers. It’s not like going to a bookstore where you can’t personally connect with the author like you can in this way.

“Better than I thought,” said Tom. That’s what he said about sex when we started sharing the same bedroom. He said it was better than he ever thought it could be. Yeah, better than he thought with no relief.

SUNDAY, MAY 12, 1996
Tom got the Melatonin today and a sketchbook for me. That was so nice of him. The sketchbook is about the same size as those of my journals that are wirebound that I typed up. It’ll fit on the shelves nicely with my journals. Journals 92 and 87 are so drastically different in size that it doesn’t really matter anyhow. I’ve already done one sketch so far; Minnie Mouse with a Dove flying by her.

Here’s what’s written on the bottle of Melatonin which contains 90 small 1 mg pills. Tablets: Natural Melatonin keeps the body in rhythm with the day and the seasons. The body naturally releases Melatonin in response to changes in light, with melatonin levels rising at night. It is in this way that melatonin helps promote sleep.

You take 1 an hour before bedtime, then another one may be taken right before you crash or during wakeful periods during the night. Oh, how I hope this works and that this is the answer to keeping me on day schedule! However, I’ve learned and know real damn well not to get my hopes up. Next Friday night is when I’ll probably take my first one cuz by then I should be back on days.

We’re also gonna give some to his parents cuz they’re having trouble sleeping at night.

He said the reason why he got it now, instead of waiting, was cuz he wants me to have whatever I need in my life to make me happy. You know I only partially believe that, of course, cuz if that were all true he wouldn’t be lying to me about the kid. He’d let us have one or let us go see someone.

I asked him if it was OK with the fact that he didn’t cum or if he was hurt or frustrated by it more than he let on. He says he’s OK with it cuz he knows it’s not permanent. Well, I believe him thoroughly when he says he’s OK with it as I’m pretty damn good at sniffing out a liar. But how can he be OK with it? How can anyone be OK with it? It takes someone really damn afraid of having a kid and really damn afraid to tell their wife that for anyone to be OK with it. I asked him if he’s sure enough about knowing it’s not permanent to bet our lives on it. He said he’d never bet anyone’s life on something, but he’d bet all his favorite material things on it. How can anyone say they want a kid for two years, but be OK with not cumming? How can anyone be happy that way even if they didn’t want a kid?

Yeah, he wants me to be happy, but only on his own terms and under his own conditions. He’d walk out in public naked, screw every guy in town and rob a bank to keep me from getting pregnant if he had to.

It’s almost like he’s testing me and playing this game with me and that as long as I don’t pass his little tests and figure him out, he’ll never change in any way. He says he can’t till we communicate better. What’s communicating got to do with a person enjoying an orgasm and having an orgasm to have the kid they say they want? The bulk of the population can’t communicate well, but they have no problem. He says we need to communicate better, but at the same time I can’t speak my mind, or else we can’t move on and communicate better. Well, I’m sorry if the truth hurts him and that he doesn’t want to hear it when we talk. I’m not gonna lie to him and no one should be forced to keep their opinions to themselves just cuz others don’t like them. I should be able to say what I’ve got to say as often as I’ve got to say it.

He’s so confusing and I can see the smirk on his face and how much he gets off of teasing me and playing with my head. He told me not to just think of pleasing only myself sexually, then in the next breath, he says to just take care of myself and not worry about him. I told him I always go into having sex with the fact in mind that I’ll cum and he’ll just get hard and that’s all I plan on. Then he said something about my going into it with his cumming in mind, then going into it thinking between those 2 things and I’m like - what? What the fuck does he mean? Then he says I don’t understand him. Well, if he’s just gonna lie and tease me and be such a joker, then that’s his problem. He needs to stop bullshitting me and joking around, get serious and tell me how he feels and what he wants in plain English. I told him to stop lying to me and stop playing with my head and either put his actions where his mouth is or admit he doesn’t want a kid. I’m sick of being lied to and mentally teased and tortured.

I also told him that the day he shows me he’s worthy of my getting better in bed, then I will. Meanwhile, I’m good enough and people have gotten off with me when I knew less than I do now and if he’s gonna be so easy, then no, I don’t need to think about his needs when all he wants is a hard-on.

I hope he realizes how lucky he is for me to still love him and for me to still be here putting up with his shit. Just about any other woman would’ve figured him out like I have and left. Andy too, said that most women would’ve left him before I even brought that up first.

I suggested we go to the library and look for books on communication and relationships and he said, “We’ll see.” You’d think he’d be a bit more eager if that’s the real problem here, but I feel I’ve told him what I want, but he’s just talk and no action.

He tells me so many things have happened and are happening that I’m too blind to see. Could’ve fooled me. I know what I’ve heard and I know what I’ve seen.

Now I know what they mean when they say there’s a fine line between love and hate. He loves me enough to take me through surgery, feed me and get me things I need as well as stuff I want such as journals and more, but he hates me so much that he’s willing to sacrifice his own sexual pleasure just to lie to me and tease me and make me miserable.

Maybe in the end, Tom will use my saying we’ll never have a kid cuz of the way he is as an excuse for why we really never did. Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if he blamed me for his own fears and his own reasons for not wanting a kid.

Tom’s the only one I ever heard of and met who gets hard but doesn’t cum and I’m the only one he’s ever met who has an irregular sleeping schedule. Is this not a coincidence? Is God trying to tell us something? Is there some hidden meaning in this that I haven’t figured out yet?

Before meeting Tom, God rubbed guys in my face constantly. They were everywhere in almost all aspects of my life. Then, when I met Tom, I figured God had done that as a sign telling me that he always wanted me with a guy. Well, there may not be a million screaming kids outside my windows, but every other commercial or TV show on TV is kids this and kids that. If he hasn’t been rubbing them in my face as he has been since 1992, then what’s the scoop? God certainly isn’t saying, “Hey, a kid is meant to be for you. Stop fighting it and trying to run away from it as you did with guys.” What is it, then, if anything at all?

If the Melatonin really works, is it a sign that I need to get on a schedule so I can go to college in the fall? If I solve my schedule problem, what will God replace it with? What will be the new weird, strange, unusual, abnormal thing that will replace it?

They say God helps those that help themselves, but I don’t think so. There’s no way that statement can be true. I’ve been trying to help myself, help Tom, help us, so why won’t he step in and help me where I can’t help myself after I’ve tried so hard? In fact, last night I got the overwhelming urge to pray to him for the first time in a while. I asked him why he won’t help me since I’ve been trying to help myself and to please show me an obvious sign as to whether or not Tom’s lying like I believe he is. Also, to show me an obvious sign as to whether or not he won’t allow me to have a kid as I believe he won’t. I asked him why he felt such a need to hurt me and torture me and have me faced with one bizarre issue after another that I can’t solve. Why can’t he love me the way he can love a non-remorseful murderer? I asked him to show me what’s meant to be and to help me deal with and achieve whatever’s meant to be and whatever path he really wants me on. I’ve looked and searched through my mind since praying to see if I see anything that may make any sense or answer any of my questions but can’t see anything. At least not yet, anyway, and I doubt I ever will.

Also, if good things really do come to those who wait, then I guess I must be blessed sooner or later with something absolutely wonderful, if not a kid.

I told Tom yesterday that he’s just like he is with the kid as he is with the signing. All this talk about how much he wants to learn it, but no action. He complains about the way I teach, then has me type up pages of common words saying he’s gonna film it so he can learn that way and his only excuse is that he’s busy. And he expects to make time for a kid? It’s a matter of priority and how much a person wants something that determines whether or not they make the time for it.

Yesterday when I went to get my email from AOL, there was a message from Rat49. It said: Were you just thinking that the rooms were all on fire? See ya. I wrote back saying that he must be a friend of Andy’s, Kim’s or Alex’s, but it turns out the message was from Tom. He said something about it being an original screen name of his.

Later…

First I’m gonna start off with some good news. It’s nice to have some good news, even though it’ll never be the kind of good news I’d really like to be able to tell.

I did an excellent drawing of a face and it shocked the shit out of me when I sat back and looked at it. She looked so real. She looked like she was really looking back at me and even Tom noticed how real she looked. I must admit I was proud of myself and hope to do more just like it, but won’t count on it. Yes, this is one of my presents from God to compensate me for never being allowed to have a kid.

The other good news is that I think I’m doing better at doing what’s right and what’s meant to be. I’m working really hard to forget about the kid, drop the subject and get on with my life. If I could wish for two things at this point, it’d be for the Melatonin to be able to help me help myself get on a schedule and for Tom to confess. Will God allow that, though? Who knows, and if something does ever help get me on a schedule that I can keep and if Tom ever does decide to confess, who knows how long that could take? If the Melatonin helps me, then there’ll be only one of us who’s a weirdo freak, but he’s not really, since he wants to be the way he is. I guess I’ll always feel that with the exception of what color lipstick I buy and what music I listen to and stuff like that, I’ll never have control over my own life and body. I must do what God and Tom want me to do. Tom would never stop me from dancing, but he’s expressed to me how he feels it’s degrading and that it’s a loser job and that he knows I’m not a loser, so that’s why he’d be disappointed to see me doing it. So, what does Jodi do? Always what her man wants. If the Melatonin helps, I’m gonna look into maybe working at a bookstore or a music store and really do a loser job. If I’ll ever really go to college, I don’t know. I really wish I could do some kind of work at home so I wouldn’t have to worry about transportation, but that’s just a fantasy.

Sometimes I need to cry. Tom went down on me before going to bed, then I went into the music room, turned on the music and cried. I managed to cry a little, but maybe it would’ve helped a little more if I could’ve cried more. I can’t just get the tears to come whenever I feel the need to release my emotions.

Tomorrow I’m mid-cycle and he knows it, so he won’t touch me. At least not with his dick anyhow. He mentioned the possibility of sleeping later tomorrow, to no doubt avoid my even suggesting it and he knows I’ll be asleep when he gets home.

Sometimes I just want to grab him and say, “Look. Ever since we’ve been married, I’ve always done what you wanted. Things have always been your way in and out of bed. If you really care about me and love me and want me to be happier, then let’s go to a doctor.”

Who do I think I’m kidding, though? If his own wife can’t get him to want a kid and to have a kid, no doctor can. Besides, if he did anything I wanted him to do or us to do that he doesn’t want to do, then he’ll just say what I’ve been saying about him and say that everything has to be my way. Guess it’s easier if he has his way. I don’t have a choice, anyway. He has the power and control needed to make sure things are always his way. I can’t fight him and win and get anything I really want, any more than I could fight God for what I really want and win.

SATURDAY, MAY 11, 1996
So much for saying I haven’t heard from Robin lately. She came around again saying not to worry about next door waking me up and that I won’t wake up wheezing and that I will be finding out I’m pregnant by September. Bull fucking shit! OK, so they didn’t wake me up and I didn’t wake up wheezing, but why does she have to bullshit me along with Tom? The last thing I need is a spirit lying to me. My husband’s enough.

When I called Larry to see if he got Ma’s card I made up, Dad was there. He says it’s cold there and things are just starting to bloom around there. Also, Philip moved to Florida and the house is up for sale again that we had on Birchwood Ave.

Tom’s friend Eileen’s daughter has a friend who’s really into sign language. She’s going to college to make a career out of it, which I didn’t know you could do. I thought what you had to do was take signing classes, then get other credentials in psychology and all kinds of other things that I didn’t want to bother with. Well, hopefully we can meet someday, as Tom hopes too, so we can sign together.

If for some reason the singing doesn’t work out or mount to anything, the signing is something to think about.

Now, let me try to get my mind to remember all that Tom and I talked about since the last time I wrote.

For the most part, nothing he says makes sense. He claims that we’ve been through so many changes constantly and that I can’t see it cuz all I see are big changes and not subtle ones. Well, if there have been any changes, they obviously aren’t all that great or important. Then he says that we’ve been through thousands of changes sexually. Yeah, right! This is what our sex life has really been about: First he couldn’t get it in there, but then he could. Then we managed to do a couple of other positions and that’s it. You call that thousands of changes? Who does he think he’s kidding?

Then he says he doesn’t want to control our sex life by making anything happen, but he doesn’t want to not allow changes to occur. Well, I haven’t stopped any changes from occurring, but he obviously has and obviously his not putting any effort into making changes hasn’t helped. Any doctor would say so too and tell him that if he really wants the pleasure of cumming and to have a kid he’s gonna have to work at it and do stuff to make it happen.

While I’ve come to realize how true it is that a kid would destroy us and how wrong it’d be for us, we all still want things here and there that aren’t good for us. Well, Tom was right when he said you can’t control or manipulate your thoughts, but maybe not totally. Maybe if a person works really hard at it, they can change their feelings and emotions. Some block out bad things in their lives, but I can’t block out my desire for a kid, so maybe what I need to do is change my thinking. If I keep reminding myself of how wrong it is for us, maybe that’ll help make the desire easier to deal with and then I won’t be so angry with Tom. No, I don’t want him to cum to make a kid, cuz it’s wrong, but I still want him to cum so I can feel like I’m not a sexual failure. Without birth control, I can’t have both of those, unless I truly am sterile, which I probably am, but maybe if I do what Robin suggested, Tom will continue to forget about cumming altogether without my having to feel like some sexual misfit from hell.

Robin said that anytime I feel like I’m gonna freak out from sadness or anger over the situation, to call on her and that she’ll help me get through it and make it easier for the both of us to deal with it. That’s nice, but why would I want to call on a liar?

I’m like a battery that runs for a few days but then needs to be recharged by venting my anger, frustration and sadness. If I do this with Tom, I end up feeling a bit better for a while, but it brings him down and turns him off. At the same time, it turns him on and he gets his jollies off it cuz my whining about his promising us a kid and bailing out on that promise is exactly what he wants to hear.

I want to find a way to not give God and Tom the reaction they crave and expect while finding a way for me to deal with and vent any of my feelings, beliefs and emotions. I quit trying to fight fate. There’s just no fucking way. You can’t fight God and win and I can’t fight Tom and win. Not as far as the kid goes anyway. He’s the one with the sperm and power to cum or not to cum.

The most confusing thing Tom said is cuz I don’t believe him and cuz I’m so sure that a kid’s not meant to be and other things, we’ll never be able to communicate better. He said something about how he can’t tell me certain things about him and that I don’t know a 10th of what he’s all about cuz I keep on going back to what I’m sure of and don’t believe during our conversations. I don’t get this. What does what I think or believe or say have to do with what he feels or believes and why should this stop him from telling me more things that are on his mind? Doesn’t he have a mind of his own? Why does he always have to use me as an excuse for why he can’t do or say things and blame me for it, yet say it’s not my fault? I’m not the one who said we’d have a kid, and then never did anything to achieve that. If I was physically stopping, blocking or doing whatever to prevent him from having a kid or from doing anything else, then yes, he can blame me. However, he’s made his own choice to be the way he is in and out of bed. The only things I’ve asked of him are to be neater and not leave stuff out so much and he’s improved dramatically on this.

Unless he’s that bad of a liar and unless he thinks I’m that stupid and naïve, I know that when he’s ready, he’ll admit that he never wanted a kid. I can’t say for sure how I’ll react, but I’m only human. I’m not gonna laugh about it and pretend I’m not hurt or angry over his fucking me out of something I wanted and he said he wanted. When people get married, they should tell the truth upfront as to whether or not they want kids and stick to it unless they have a genuine physical problem. Then, no later than 1 year after realizing that they’ve got a physical problem, they should go get help. Not wait 2 or 3 or 4 or more years. I asked Tom point-blank if he was gonna “fight” the doctors cuz he didn’t really want to ever go and cuz he did it to compromise with me and he said no. And what makes him think I can believe him? Anyone that can lie about wanting a kid could be lying about anything, as far as I’m concerned. He’s such a smooth con artist, but he doesn’t fool me. He’ll never let those doctors help him or change him and he’s gonna lie right to their fucking faces just like he has with me.

THURSDAY, MAY 9, 1996
Got a few things to update on, but first, in case I haven’t mentioned this, Robin hasn’t been around lately and that’s just fine with me.

Ma said she wanted a note telling her what I got for work, so I’ll be telling her and Tammy that I’m dancing Thursday – Friday just to get them off my case.

Tom said Mom was wrong in saying what she said and that he could understand why she said this, but since she hasn’t seen me in so long, she doesn’t know how much I’ve grown. So. What’s that got to do with it? I still will and need to get a job soon enough.

I’ve been coloring in white backgrounds in my drawings that were scanned in. As I mentioned before, we had trouble scanning some of them cuz they looked shitty. The background was too dark, so little by little I’ve been whiting the background out in the paint program. I did 4 of them so far. Tom says that this is a way to test if his program works and I guess that if it does we’re gonna launch that art disk of mine after all. This seems a bit hard to imagine since it just doesn’t seem meant to be. I don’t see it or feel it, but we’ll just wait and see.

Andy’s car broke down and this couple he knows is working on it, so I haven’t gone over there to finish his cat yet.

If Tom ever reads this, I don’t give a shit, but I’m not gonna go the rest of my life without being able to talk to my best friend about the hell he’s putting me through. Kim and Tammy are the only other ones that know about Tom and now Andy does and that’s all that’ll ever know cuz I don’t trust or know anyone else well enough to tell them and I certainly won’t ever discuss it with people like my parents. I explained to Andy that I was just too fucking embarrassed to tell my own best friend and he said I never had to be afraid to tell him anything and that he’s not his old self and that I’m his number one person and that I can discuss it every day if I need or want to. Finally, I have someone I can talk to much more often about it, but if he were the Springfield Andy, forget it.

I told Andy that while I realize more and more that a kid would ruin our marriage and that I couldn’t handle it and that I don’t know shit about kids and why I’d be a bad mother, the point of Tom’s lying has been killing me and it always will.

Tammy believes Tom, but you see, Tammy almost always sides with others and she really likes Tom. Having a brother-in-law who’s like a brother to her is very important to her. Andy’s not sure what to believe, but I think he believes what I believe, more than that he could really have a problem. Even he said he’s never heard of a case where a guy gets hard without a problem but doesn’t cum.

He went down on me earlier and then I did him by hand and he was harder than usual for longer than usual and he said I was doing so good and getting better and better and to just hang in there and give it time. Yeah, give it the rest of my life, he means, or at least till after my periods stop. Then he went to bed. I wasn’t born yesterday. I know he finished off what I started. He almost always prefers sex towards the end of his day. That way he’s more tired so it’s easier for him to hold back and then he can go to bed and finish the deal. Especially when I don’t go to bed when he does.

I told Andy that the 4 biggest reasons why he won’t tell me he doesn’t want a kid are cuz he doesn’t want to break my heart, which is already broken, he fears me leaving him, he fears me beating him up and he really loves to tease me about the subject.

I did tell Andy, though, two very important things. That we have been having sex more often and that other than this big lie of his, he’s a great person and we have lots of good times.

Andy said that if I ever divorced him, I could sue him for this and win. Yeah, I know all about it, but I don’t want to divorce him. And what would I sue him for? Even if he were rich, money can’t make up for his lies.

Then Andy goes on to say that God really does love me and that I should respect God and not be so angry with him. Fuck that shit! If God loves me at all, it’s very little. And how can I respect God and not be angry with him for denying me a child while he lets murderers have them? It isn’t just Tom that’s doing this. It’s God too. Andy also says that it may just not be the right time. Well, if it’s not the right time, then when will it be? I feel I’m as ready as I can be. Andy says he’s testing my faith. Well, hasn’t he done enough of that? Can’t he go test someone else’s faith for a change? It’s not as if God’s gonna die or be all heartbroken if I don’t have faith in him. Hasn’t he got enough other people who believe and have faith in him? If he wants any love and respect, then he can let me have a kid and stop getting millions and millions of assholes and teens pregnant. I know the bulk of the people are assholes, but must he let 9 out of every 10 murderers have kids? Is that really necessary and can that ever be fair and make sense? Andy said that after I’m dead, everything that happened to me and in this world will make sense. I’m sorry, but some things will never make sense. Like it could ever make sense if I went and killed every other human being in this world? Yeah, right!

Andy agreed with me that Tom’s gotta be relieving himself somehow. I told Andy that Tom says he gets relieved in wet dreams and that I’d said to him how a wet dream can get him off, but his wife can’t. Andy said he’d feel hurt by that, too.

Why did Tom want me so much and what did he see in me that he felt he couldn’t get from another woman that he couldn’t tell me upfront that he didn’t want a kid and wear rubbers or something so that he wouldn’t have to always cum by himself?

Andy also agrees that he doesn’t see how going for help can ruin a marriage. I told him why Tom wanted to wait until April. That’ll make it 3 years of this shit. He may as well have said let’s wait till our 10th anniversary. Isn’t 3 years more than enough? After 1 year should be enough. Anyway, whether we went to a doctor now or 5 years from now, it’s not gonna help. He’s not gonna let it help, but I think he knows he can’t fool those doctors. They’re gonna tell me what I already know about him.

How could there be any chance, like Tammy suggested, that he’s really going through hell cuz of the way he is? No one can act that well. He’s perfectly satisfied with the way he is and with the way things are.

Andy asked how he could be happy the way he is. Well, it takes someone very incredibly afraid of having a kid and telling his wife, that for him to be as happy as he is, and he is perfectly happy. Getting his own self off for the rest of his life is absolutely no problem for him. If he does feel any guilt, maybe it’s cuz he feels he deserves it for what he’s doing to me. Meaning, if he does feel the slightest twinge of guilt, perhaps he doesn’t mind living with it and perhaps he feels he deserves it and should live with it as a punishment for what he’s done to me. On the other hand, Tom has absolutely no guilt or remorse for his lying to me and I know it. His conscience is completely guilt-free. He feels he hasn’t done a damn thing wrong and that this lie is perfectly okay.

I’m trying to remember every little thing Andy and I talked about since we talked for quite a while.

That’s basically all I remember us talking about, but if I remember anything else worth mentioning, of course, I’ll write it in, just like if anything else worth mentioning comes along. I just mainly filled him in on the situation and he had questions to ask about it.

I really appreciate Andy letting me talk to him. He’s a good listener. He knows I don’t want or need his pity and that all I need for him to do is to listen and we know it’s not like he can wave a magic wand and fix the situation.

Tom lied about Kim, Phil and Alex’s visit, he lied about cumming in 1993, he lied about saying he can’t hold back from cumming, he lied about saying he cums without warning, so, he can lie about us having a kid.

I thought of another possibility. Maybe he does intend to fess up but wants to wait about 5 more years or so, figuring it’d be harder for me to leave him after so long. I could still beat his ass, though, but maybe he figures it’s worth it.

Over the last few days, I got Bob letters that Kim sent me. She wrote in comments, but they haven’t been all that funny. I’ve got to remember to call her one of these days soon.

I hope Larry got the Mother’s Day card I did up and that he signed it and sent it to Tammy.

I checked AOL to see if there were any messages from Tammy and there weren’t. It’ll probably take her some time since she’s got kids and is so busy herself.

I still hear from Alex here and there. He’s moving to some other apartment in Vermont and is still working, teaching sign language, and is single.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 8, 1996
Oh, I’m so fucking pissed off right now! I woke up to street noise at 10:00 cuz the fan was off. I thought it was just a little power failure and called APS to ask when the power would be back on. They said it was disconnected due to non-payment, so I called Tom at work who called them. Then he came home and called his parents who gave us $500 to turn it back on. We owed $200 but they wanted a deposit as well as the next two months’ worth. Tom had said that he just talked to them and he sent in a payment and they agreed to wait for the rest of it. But what did the asshole there do? They said they had no such policy when Tom called them today.

The reason why I’m so pissed off is cuz this is all my fault. It’s both of our faults, actually. It was obviously more important to him that I stay home so he could play with my head and make false promises to me about a kid, instead of telling me the truth so I could get on with my life and get out there and bring in a second income so we could avoid shit like this happening. I’m so pissed off at myself for not sticking with the dancing all along or doing something. I’m through listening to this man. He got his way with the kid and he’s not gonna get his way with trying to talk me out of dancing.

Now I’m gladder than ever that he did get his way with the kid and yes, God is truly protecting us and his not wanting a kid is a blessing. We couldn’t afford a kid whether I worked or not. We couldn’t afford daycare or a babysitter if we both worked and if I stayed home, I’m not gonna be the one to look at it and have to tell it how sorry I am that we can’t afford to feed it cuz we can’t afford for me to work cuz we can’t afford a sitter for it or daycare.

I talked to Tammy who still says Tom’s not lying to me and that he loves me and has a genuine problem and how hard it is for men to admit their fears or when they’re going through hell. I told her he doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by his so-called problem cuz he doesn’t really have a problem and she was like, “How do you know? These things aren’t easy for guys to admit. My husband still won’t admit that he’s afraid to die.” She says she’s gonna do some investigating on her end cuz I told her I’ve never heard of a case like ours and I couldn’t find any literature on it, but I don’t give a fuck anymore! We are not going to have a kid. It isn’t meant to be. He doesn’t want it. I don’t want it without being rich and from now on I shall unselfishly turn my back on anything else I may ever want really bad cuz it’s not meant to be. Life doesn’t work that way for me. I’ve got to work till I check into college in September.

Then I called my mom, and this is bullshit but she says she can’t help us out cuz she’s not in season and that she and Dad are struggling to pay their bills. Yeah, right! Then she went on and on how I need to grow up, get a life, and get a job so I can help my husband and do my fair share to provide for us and that I have no right to just sit at home and be a loser.

She’s right in that everyone has to do jobs they don’t like and that even if I only brought in $20 a week, that’s $80 a month. True. Very true.

Thank God for Tom’s parents, though, and I told him to thank them for me and tell them that this was my fault.

Why did I have to waste all this time listening to Tom?! I knew from the get-go that he was lying about the kid, so why didn’t I just get on with my life and at least work? I hate myself for being such a sucker and letting myself be played for a fool. Why did I let my own self be set up to fall? I hate myself as much as I hate him. I let him bullshit me and I sat on my ass and did nothing while he did so. Oh, I hate myself!!! My mother was right when she said a long time ago that I never should’ve been born. All my existence has brought are people lying to me and me letting others down. Why do I even bother living when practically everyone I’ve ever known has fucked me over and I’ve been no good to anyone else? What have I ever done for anyone or contributed to this world? I let Tom lie to me. I let myself take it. No, I don’t want a divorce. I just want him to stop lying to me and I want myself to get a life and stop being a stupid waste product and a sucker.

It’s like, what the fuck was I thinking? That we’d be rich soon enough and that Tom would mean it when he says he wants a kid and would start cumming and that God would let my plumbing be OK and that he’d let me have a kid and that it wouldn’t ruin our marriage? Yeah, right! What planet was I from?

I listened to my parent’s lies, Jenny C’s, the people at Brattleboro and Valleyhead, Scott M and so many others who promised to be my friend and who promised never to lie to me or fuck me over. No more! No fucking more!!

I’m so pissed off at myself, Tom and this world that I wish someone who fucked me over was here in this room so I could beat the shit out of them and really vent some of this frustration. But like my mom said, once I get working, I’ll feel better about myself for standing on my own two feet and doing my share and for doing the right thing…getting real and doing the only thing I could ever do with my life.

TUESDAY, MAY 7, 1996
Yes, I hate God for lots of reasons and always will, but once again, I see how much he really is protecting Tom and I and our marriage. Andy was telling me an all too familiar story that I hear all the time. Like with Tom, Donna’s husband kept insisting he wanted a kid. The only difference was that he let her get pregnant. Sure enough, though, as soon as that baby was born, he didn’t want a thing to do with it and their marriage is really strained and the guy’s jealous of any attention Donna gives the kid. It makes me wonder and think yet again, perhaps it really, really is the best thing and the right thing to just want one here and there and I should be grateful that Tom’s a liar. Just like he is when he says he’s gonna wake me up for fun. He pulled that one on me a few nights ago, saying he was gonna wake me, but luckily he didn’t cuz I hate that. I usually have a hard enough time going to sleep, so when I go to sleep, I need to stay that way.

With each passing day, I see how much easier it is to just wonder what it would’ve been like to have a kid. What would she or he be like? Is it worth risking my life and marriage to go and make that all a reality, even if I could? I don’t think so. I’ve known so many people whose marriages were okay or great and bringing kids into it just totally ruined it.

Andy got his problems resolved with his coworkers, so that’s good.

He was also telling me about a funny dream that he had last night. We’ve both had similar dreams, but luckily I haven’t had one for quite a while. They’re usually depressing, but his was kind of funny. He fell asleep with the cat Beavis whom he and Michelle share and have joint custody of. Then, in his dream, he had two days off of work, so he decided to hitch a ride home, then get back in time for work. So, he hitched a ride and got there in 10 minutes and began walking up to his old house on Old Farm Rd. It was this time of year and it was spring there and everything was nice and green. Then, as he got closer to his house, it was winter and there was 2” of snow. Then when he got to the backyard of his house, looking for his cat, there was 2’ of snow. He tried to get in the back door with his cat Buddy when two other cats were trying to get in the back door with his cat. His brother Gary was there and said, “Hi, Andy. What a surprise!”

He told Gary that he wouldn’t be there too long and that he was just there on his days off and not to tell anyone he was there cuz he didn’t come to visit people. He just wanted to see his cat. Gary said that was no problem and he could stay as long as he wanted to. Then those other two cats started fighting with Buddy and he kicked one of them in the head and then the cats started biting Andy. Then Andy got confused cuz he felt his head being bitten and wasn’t sure if it was a dream or not cuz his cat Beavis play bites him a lot.

Later…

Tom’s gonna be late. Bummer. I really want to go swimming with him.

Anyway, that talk I had with Larry and Tammy was cool and we were teasing each other a lot. Larry said that his stone should be the biggest since he’s the oldest and I said that cuz I’m the youngest, mine can be smaller so it’s cheaper. Larry said I was really born in November, but they weren’t ready for me so they shoved me back up there till December.

When I wrote to Larry, I remembered to let him know that in the course of our talk with Tammy, I typed 10 letters and drank 5 cups of coffee.

Tom had a neat idea. He wants to find figurines of pigeons and mold others with the plaster of Paris, then have me paint them the different colors and patterns of all the birds. I might draw that first, though. He said it’d be a keepsake for when we move. Oh, there’s no hurry on that. We won’t move till well into the year 2000 with the way things are going and yes, I know. If we’d ever had that kid, who knows then if we’d ever get out of here.

Andy was saying how he saw what I meant about how close these houses are. He said that next door is practically right on top of us and the basketball hoop is right outside the window. True. If I were on our roof, I could easily jump across to theirs with no fear and without having to struggle to make a big leap. Next door’s only 5’ away.

MONDAY, MAY 6, 1996
I have lots of stuff to update on.

We went to his parents’ house yesterday and it was dead quiet there due to everyone hibernating indoors due to the heat. Tom helped fix their sink handles and the pachinko (spelling?) machine I was playing with.

We had a funny argument over Tom’s shirt color which was definitely gray. He kept insisting it was green, but even his mother agreed that it was surely gray.

Robin was right. She told me last Friday night, I believe, that next door would be quiet all weekend and they were. All I heard was that short chat they had on Saturday and the kid screaming for a couple of minutes on Sunday. There have been no music or ball games since the Sunday before last. That old white guy was there today, but it seemed like he was only there for a few minutes.

My mind was racing like hell last night and I tried to get myself to write while my thoughts were fresh in my mind, but I was too hyped up and a bit sad and angry. What else is new, huh?

I wasn’t joking when I said what I said at the beginning of this journal and yes, I know it’s the right thing and the best thing for me to never have a child, but the whole point of Tom’s lying still gets to me here and there. Not as much as it used to, but sometimes it does. You gotta take the good with the bad, though, and if your lover doesn’t hurt you physically, they hurt you emotionally. That’s just how it is. Still, I love him to death and we have so many good times. We’re still having sex more often, so that’s cool. At least I got that much and I haven’t felt sexually deprived for quite a while.

Later…

Yesterday I talked with both Larry and Tammy at once. We called Larry at work and he connected us. That was really cool and it was the first time the 3 of us talked since I was 19 in 1985 at Nana’s funeral.

We’re going to be doing something special for Mom for Mother’s Day and her birthday. Tammy’s having a ring made up with all of our birthstones. Larry’s is a garnet for January, Tammy’s is peridot for August and mine’s turquoise. It’s gonna cost $160 and we’ll split it 3 ways.

Also, I’ve drawn a simple, yet pretty floral border around a piece of plain white paper and signed it. Next, I’ll be sending it to Larry to sign and then he’ll send it to Tammy to sign and Dad will bring the ring and the paper we all signed down to her. Ma will love it and she’ll probably be way more emotional about us all signing the same paper as I was when I got Anna and Harry’s letter.

Dad’s leaving Florida tomorrow and in two days he’ll be in MA. Then he’ll be at Tammy’s on the 19th, then he’ll leave on the 21st and return to Florida on the 22nd.

Later…

Cool. I just saw a movie filmed in Phoenix and the neat thing about it is that I used to see movies as I was growing up with cactuses and palm trees in them and wonder if I’d ever see that in person. Now, it’s all so much more real and familiar to me since I live here. A few months ago we saw movie lights at the central library and I saw another movie filmed in Phoenix and there was a quick part at the library, so that must’ve been what it was all about.

Andy’s old roommate Diana has been having disputes at work. They weren’t friends after she moved out, then they were and now they aren’t. Andy says it’s over some stupid thing that has nothing to do with her. Yeah, I believe it. And the manager is good friends with Diana, so Andy says the manager will always take her side. Poor Andy. He’s like I used to be and like I’d probably still be today if I were working for as long as he has. He’s always got a problem with someone. In the past, he used to love conflict and to make trouble and he’s the first to admit that. Now, trouble comes to him no matter how much he tries to avoid it.

He left me a message last night at around this time saying something about quitting, but that he and she had a meeting with the manager and that he hoped to resolve it. I hope so too, cuz the last thing he needs is to be out of a job unless he can find something else that suits him right away.

Next door must’ve just gotten home. I love how they’re not there during the weekdays and oh how I hope they stay as good as they have been for the last 8 days. I hope that if they’ve got to freak out here and there, that’s it’s a rare occasion and not for too long at a time. I hope they don’t make up for how quiet they were last weekend during this next weekend.

SATURDAY, MAY 4, 1996
They came back next door last night quietly.

I hear them talking to each other now. They must’ve just gotten in.

Both Robin and Tom say they’ll be quiet this weekend, but I don’t know about that one. We’ll just have to see as the weekend progresses.

Tom’s doing work for Eileen’s computer and getting paid for it. He’ll be home around 4:00 and then we’ll go swimming.

It’s a scorcher out there now, so by then it should be more comfortable.

I don’t know if I mentioned the birds letting me take pictures while they were on my lap, but they did.

Now I hear them laughing next door. How can they stand this heat?

Tammy called yesterday telling me she won some kind of award from school but doesn’t know the details yet. She says she’ll call or leave a message when she finds out about it.

Also, and as always, Tammy’s involved in another legal battle. The substitute bus driver came barreling down the road real fast as she and her friend sat waiting for the kids. The kids got off the bus crying and Tammy put one foot on the step of the bus and asked, “What the hell are you doing?” and the bus driver said he didn’t know where the stops were.

Tammy told him that this was all the more reason to slow down, then the driver said, “Fuck you, lady,” and sped off slamming the door on her leg and bruising it.

I hope they’re not using their carport as a patio. It’d be cooler than the front or back, but then I would not have very much privacy, and fuck them if they hear me talking, singing or blasting music. I was here first.

Later…

I guess next door left. I don’t mind talking and laughing here and there cuz then I can be the nosy spy I am and eavesdrop. I never could make out a word they said earlier, though.

A couple of days ago we got regular stamps and 1¢ stamps by mail, so I sent off a round of postcards to the following people. My parents, Kim, Bob, Andy, Alex, Larry & Sand, Larry, Jennifer, Tammy, Bill, Lisa, Becky, Sarah and Tom, whose came today. At least I know that Andy checks his mail daily since he always walks right by his mailbox. He has the same kind of mailbox that I had at the NHA. On Monday I’ll mail cards off to Kim, Bob and my parents. Then Wednesday I’ll mail cards off to my parents, Kim, Bob, Andy and Alex, then there’ll be no more.

Later…

So far, they’ve been behaving really well next door. They left quietly after I heard them talking outside and they returned shortly after we went swimming quietly.

I told Tom last night he’d get $40 or $50 from working on Eileen’s and her husband’s computer. He said he felt he’d get $30. He really got $45.

We went for a 20-minute swim. It was chilly at first, but you get used to it as soon as you dunk yourself in. Of course, there were bees.

I got a quick letter today from Kim with a Bob letter. She said she wasn’t gonna bother sending it, except there was one funny line. A typical Bob screw-up. Instead of telling Kim how he is mesmerized by her, he said he was “messuremized” by her.

At 11:00, I’ll be watching and taping a couple of movies, but till then I’m gonna listen to music.

FRIDAY, MAY 3, 1996
I went for a quick swim yesterday and am going again soon.

There’s been no one next door since Sunday.

THURSDAY, MAY 2, 1996
Now that it’s getting hotter, the damn dogs two houses down are quieter, which is fine with me.

I’ve been pretty productive so far today. I exercised (hope I can stick to it!), I sorted labels for Tom, blew the patio, de-dutied it and did some singing. Tomorrow I’ll clean the bathroom, but for now I’m just gonna take it easy since I’ve been up 11 hours.

The birds still continue to come onto my lap.

The pool’s starting to warm up more, so I might go swimming either this afternoon or tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 1, 1996
I didn’t get to Andy’s last night due to my sleeping past the time when he was getting off work. I’ll get over there one of these days, though, to finish that cat.

Speaking of sleep, Tom and I noticed this new report that’s supposed to help people like me with screwy sleeping patterns. It’s supposed to be an all-natural herb called Melatonin. I can’t say too much about it, but Tom and I are gonna look into it. It’s been all over the news and he found tons of information about it on AOL.

I talked to my mother a few minutes ago, but Dad wasn’t there. I told her about the bird’s latest thing. I lay seed out on my lap and they eat off of my lap now. They have absolutely no ounce of fear towards me.

Later…

I’m making a TV dinner, but I’ll write till it’s done.

From the fan club, I got a disgusting black-and-white picture of Gloria.

I got a neat beading idea for a bracelet. Besides, I haven’t beaded in a while, so I think it’s time I did some playing around with all those different colored beads of mine.

Yesterday was a fun day. Tom didn’t work cuz it’s the end of the month when he goes in on Saturday. He and I hung out together doing this and that and went grocery shopping together, too.

Later…

Out of the 3 books I got from the book club, there was one I couldn’t get into. I’m reading one now that seems pretty good, then I’ll have one more. Today I’m mailing off a card where you buy 2 and get 1 free. There were boxes to pick out 6 books, but I doubt I’ll get them cuz I never paid the shipping and handling from the intro offer. Still, it’s worth a shot and I didn’t have to waste a stamp on the card.

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Last updated June 13, 2024