September 1995 in 1990s

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 1995
I cannot believe I started another story, but I did. I’ll write about it soon.

Tom’s eating now which takes him forever.

He just got in from working for 4 hours. At the end of each month, they all go in for 4 hours on a Saturday.

The first thing he said was how tired he was, and I told him - don’t worry, I won’t hit him for sex. The guy’s been displaying very low interest in me sexually these last several days, but I got him to go down on me last night.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1995
I thought I heard tweak daddy either coming or going.

I just typed up my story ideas for Tom and put boxes in front of poor, fair, good, and excellent for him to rate his opinions on them. I’ll also probably write it in regular story form rather than script form and have an anonymous narrator, rather than be a self-narrator if I do a story.

Oh, how I want to wake Tom up for a good screw, but I’m not sure if he’d want that.

Another pair of underwear of mine is ripping. I’ve gotta stop buying cheap pairs and pay a little extra money to have them last longer.

Did I mention yet what Tom said he’d like to do occasionally? I always wished for this to be the case here and there, too. He says he wants to have sex just for him once in a while so he can go slow. (I like it fast) This I’ve got to see! I think he brought this up cuz of how I’ve commented on how sex is for me. All he’ll do is bang away hard, then that’s it.

Again I’m glad I’m sure to win this bet for two reasons. I can’t go 24 hours without smoking! Also, how do you think I’d feel if he could cum for me to quit smoking for 24 hours and he couldn’t cum for the fun of it and to try making a baby? That’d convince me all the more he’s holding back, severely against a kid, and I’m already pretty damn convinced!

Later…

Tom, who’s home now, rated my story ideas. Maybe I’ll do something later.

I just logged off from AOL only to continue getting nowhere with it.

Got the two flags from my parents today, but there were no pictures. They sent two packets of daisy seeds, a Halloween flag, and a cat flag. No flamingos.

What amazing luck. Andy had heard about the letter of mine he posted. If it were me who lived there and posted it, I’d never hear a damn thing about it.

Anyway, there had been this guy Andy liked who lived right near him so Michelle went over and told him. It turns out that this guy’s also gay, his name’s Andy too, but is fucked up. He hacked his wrists up over losing his job, a boyfriend, and a girlfriend. This guy’s bi, actually. So, the guy mentioned how someone wrote no fudge packers on the sign with all the pool rules and how he found an anti-gay poem by “Mystic” and was very nerved up about it. This is stupid of Andy, which he now realized, but he told the guy it’s not an anti-gay letter, it’s a letter and not a poem, and I’m Mystery, not Mystic. He probably thought it was anti-gay cuz of the way I began the letter, Yo Femmy! We gays/bis do that at times like blacks call each other niggas.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 1995
“Last night I got so bad I kept hitting my head on the bunk above mine. One time I almost knocked myself unconscious. Not intentionally, I just keep forgetting to duck.”

The above was Bob’s latest funny statement to Kim. She sent me a letter along with a 9-page letter he wrote to her.

I will be back to write more later.

Later…

There have been so many things I planned or thought of writing but never got around to it for various reasons, so I’ll just try to remember as much as I can.

I called my parents. They got the envelope with the flowers and fish I drew. He says they’re sending me two flags. A Halloween one and a flag of pink flamingos. Tom and I will like that.

He also says Ma may have thrown in some pictures.

Now for last night’s observation of tweak daddy. Between 10 - 11 PM, the newspaper was gone. Tom said he saw the blinds being washed out back when he went up on the roof. After midnight I saw him painting. It’s amazing how this guy never sleeps.

Tom says that means it’s not selling as fast as they’d like and that they’re getting anxious. I’m surprised they didn’t paint right away with the way kids scribble on walls and smear food all over them.

This is day 4 of having only 20 cigarettes a day. Yesterday I had 1½ leftover.

I saw a commercial about an ovulation predictor test. I knew the couple weren’t actors since the woman was huge. The funny thing about it was when they said it pinpoints the 72 hours a woman is most fertile.

“Most” fertile? I thought you were either fertile or not fertile. I didn’t know you could be kind of fertile. Also, why do people need these ovulation predictors when all they need to do is count 14 days after the first day of their period?

Speaking of my period chart - I checked and realized I counted some of the numbers of days between periods wrong, so I’m not even gonna bother counting my 1996 periods. Just mark the dates I’m flowing.

Checked AOL’s newsgroups and got knocked offline twice. Still, I never found anything of interest. Tom said don’t worry about that, just get familiar with it. Is he covering up his patience game by having me do useless stuff?

Last night we were talking about how we grew up differently and how material things spoil you. Is he trying to “unspoil” me by putting off stuff if he isn’t trying to instill patience in me? I reminded him, though, that I never did get a lot of the things in life I’ve wanted. I’ve gotten very far from all I’ve ever wanted.

Later…

I’d really like to screw now, but Tom needs his sleep. He’s a lousy pussy licker when he’s tired, too. Then he’s either not quite in the right spot, too slow, too light, or too hard.

Andy mentioned going job hunting the other day. I wonder if he found anything.

I stood on the chair by the window in the music room to spy on next door. I didn’t see anyone or any vehicles. A dim light was on and the windows were wide open. Not open to the screen; nothing was covering them. They haven’t put the blinds back up yet. Must be waiting for the paint to dry.

Earlier, when I came into the living room, Tom teasingly asked, “Did you come to fight with me?”

So, I asked him if he was trying to unspoil me and if he isn’t trying to instill patience in me. He said no, but I’m not so sure he’d admit to it if he really was.

In one more month, I’ll have been writing for 8 years. Wow!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 1995
I can’t sleep, so I thought I’d write. Boy, am I gonna be exhausted when that alarm goes off in 7 hours!

How fucking weird. At 10:00, I saw tweak daddy next door, but I never saw a car or van. It looked like he was doing something to the poster that was in the front living room window.

Just now, though, I noticed he put newspaper over the two side windows facing our house. With blinds in there, why would he do that? Did he take the blinds down, but put up the newspaper to hide the fact that the house is vacant which is very obvious anyway?

I highly doubt anyone noticed me spying.

Now there’s a white car in the driveway.

I’ll bet he took down the blinds and put up sheets of newspaper for privacy for meeting a mistress in there. That car must’ve been hers. Or his. You never know. Or maybe he’s doing something illegal in there of some kind. All I can say is that these people are weird! Always have been, and always will be. If he’s screwing someone in there, why go to the extreme of putting newspaper up? Why not just get down on the floor and screw with the lights off? Maybe the newspaper is so they can talk, eat, drink something or do whatever after they screw, but they want light for it and not to be seen. Why put newspaper on the sides of the house, though? What does he think I’d do - try finding a way to tell Lenore? Maybe it’s the girl next door on the other side of their house. Maybe they don’t want her boyfriend or husband to peek in on her if he were to go looking for her if she does have a boyfriend or a husband.

Later…

I woke up sooo tired at 7:15. Then at 8:50, I napped for a little over an hour. I prayed for help on this yesterday just to end up taking a nap. It sure makes me feel like a failure. If being a mom means being more tired than that 7 days a week, then there’s no way I can do it. There’d be absolutely no way I could ever handle it. Even when it does get to the point where they sleep all night, for the first 4-5 years they’re home all day. I couldn’t be sleeping when I’m supposed to be tending to its needs and keeping an eye on it.

What I need to do, though, is to stop saying what I would not be able to do with a kid, cuz there’s never really gonna be a kid no matter what he says or what I sense.

I sensed Robin after I prayed, which I’ll expand on later. Meanwhile, I find it ironic that videotapes are all playing with white fuzzy lines of static through them right after she visits.

Also, I think over the last couple of days since I prayed God did give me a sign and answer some questions.

Cutting down smoking was so much easier yesterday, suggesting that God just might want to help me with that and that He does think it’s an important issue.

Today’s sign was definitely reminding me that I can’t handle a kid. Maybe that saying about how God doesn’t give us more than we can handle is true for some people and I’m one of them. Should I even ask Him for a child when the answer seems so obvious? Should I just stick to the smoking, the Robin case, and do whatever I can do about the sleeping schedule?

Later…

I hope this journal will bring better luck with the issue of smoking, sleeping, and Robin. Yes, the kid is hopeless and I do see more and more why it’s not meant to be. Do I still have hard feelings, though? Yes. Especially when I see people with worse problems than I’ve got getting pregnant.

Right now I’m gonna go begin searching through those thousands of newsgroups.

Later…

I searched through some newsgroups for a while until I got knocked offline. So far I haven’t found anything.

I forgot to mention more about next door (my other case). When I saw him in there last night, I thought I saw the handlebar of a bike and saw him ride away on a bike this morning. If he could ride here by bike, then I don’t think they moved very far. But whose car was that which left shortly after he did? Why would he come stay at the house from 10 PM - 8 AM? He couldn’t have gone to sleep before I did which was around 1 AM, cuz I saw lights on through the newspaper. How the hell does this guy manage to sleep 4-5 hours every night? I’ve seen lights on very late at night and Lenore says he played the piano late at night.

If they weren’t desperate for a bigger house right away and if they are staying in Phoenix, why did they move before the house was sold? It really does sound like they’re running from something and hiding out.

Tom said the poster in their living room window has been gone for 3-4 days (the poster that mentioned the house’s features).

I still am baffled as to why he put newspaper up when all he had to do was pull the blinds down. He must’ve either taken the blinds or is trying to hide the fact that the house is vacant. Newspaper doesn’t do it, though. It’s obviously vacant without newspaper and even more so with it.

Tom said maybe he saw me spying. I highly doubt it. Plus, I saw him put newspaper in the front window which I can’t spy through.

When I got up the first time this morning, Tom was getting ready to leave. I commented that I wasn’t sure about the smoking and schedule thing and that there was no way I could have a kid. He said, “OK,” in such a relieved tone of voice. A tone that said, “Yeah, I know that’s not what I want. Thanks for saying that, though, cuz I haven’t been able to tell you the truth.” He’s told me by his actions and in his own little subtle ways. Like when he says shit like, “What are you gonna do? Go out and cheat on me to get pregnant?”

Well, I don’t feel good enough to be a mother cuz of my sleep schedule, he won’t quit playing his games, so I guess I would rather be miserable with wanting one here and there than miserable every day due to never sleeping enough and all its other hardships.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1995
The good news is that the sleep schedule’s going well, as well as cutting down on smoking. My lungs already feel a great deal better. I haven’t been waking up wheezing and this morning I only needed one shot of my inhaler. However, I am so tired this morning. I could’ve easily slept until around now. I had the alarm set for 8:00, then when it went off I hit the snooze for half an hour. Soon enough, though, I’ll wake up and feel more alert. The important thing is that I don’t feel sick. Thank God Tom hasn’t woken me up like I figured he wouldn’t. All he does is brag about the idea of sleeping a few hours, getting up and screwing, then falling back asleep for a few more hours. I said, “Tom, you’ve never woken me up for that and I certainly can’t see it as something you’d do.” His answer to that was, “You don’t know me.”

Ah, but I think I do.

I wish I knew what in the hell happened to a certain diary I had when I was around 13. I was in 7th or 8th grade and we lived in the second house we had in Longmeadow. We lived on Berkeley Dr. till I was around 12 and then on Birchwood Ave.

Anyway, in the second house, I remember having a small diary. I remember writing all kinds of BS in it, mainly about fantasies of women I had crushes on. I don’t remember what I last did with it. I never remember throwing it out and I never saw it again after becoming a ward of the state and leaving home pretty much permanently till age 18 at 15. During the ages of 15-18, I’m sure my mother went through whatever stuff of mine that was still left at the house. That diary included. How embarrassing! If my mother really did get ahold of it, and I can’t see who else could’ve, I’m sure she read it.

Later…

I’m making a chicken pot pie now. In the meantime, I found something Sarah said in her letter pretty ironic. About how she wants to feel and believe in God. Wants a sign that He exists, but sometimes she doesn’t have faith cuz of certain things that happen. Does that sound familiar, or what? So, anyway, I finally decided to do what I’ve been debating on doing for some time now and that’s to pray consistently. The worse that can happen is nothing. In my prayer, I explained my feelings. I don’t feel it’s necessary at this time to pray for help with the singing. Not with Tom around and his equipment and our plans and ideas combined. I did pray, though, for help on being able to keep cutting down on the cigarettes and possibly quit eventually. For help in finding out Robin’s name and if she’s dead or alive. For help getting pregnant or being able to accept and deal with never having a kid if that’s not in the cards. Tom told me yet again the other day that he felt God wanted and had it planned for me to be a mother, but wait till I tell you this! I know this sounds crazy and it really shocked the hell out of me. Tom didn’t seem shocked at all and it very well could be a false vibe, cuz that can happen when you want something. Although slight, I had the surest vibe ever that I may have a kid in 1997. The first month that came to me was January. The second month that came to me was September. How weird, huh? Like I said, though, it may be a bogus vibe, cuz I don’t see how the hell a child could fit into our cards. We don’t “qualify” and due to already being blessed with so many other things, what makes me think He’ll spoil me? No one gets it all.

Later…

Just ate that chicken pot pie. Now I think I’ll go start a letter to Sarah.

Later…

Shit! Fuck! Damn! Someone’s moving in. I thought I heard a dog in the truck or house which I assume will be kept out back 24/7 like all dogs are out here. All I saw was one guy around 25. He looks like a roughneck. The type to drink, do drugs, be a slut, and blast his music. He’ll probably have shitloads of company. This guy definitely looks like the dog and kid type. Don’t get me wrong, I believe 80% of the male population is anti-daddy. It’s just that most guys are irresponsible sluts who don’t give a shit how many women they knock up. He also looks like the type to attract irresponsible women. The type that doesn’t want kids, don’t think they’ll get pregnant cuz they don’t want them, but get pregnant anyway. Either that or they’re all too drunk or stoned to be responsible. I know I’m sounding very paranoid and judgmental, but I know just the type God would send me for a neighbor. Also, the M’s were quiet for 5-6 months, the music people have long been gone, so now it’s compensation time.

Later…

I just talked to Andy quickly and now he’s off to work. He’s vibeless as far as next door goes, but now is the perfect test for Robin. She told me I had nothing to worry about, so we’ll see. Andy said that maybe the guy lives there by himself. I doubt it. If so, all the more he’s gonna have company like crazy. Especially at his age. He could just be helping whoever else moves in there but doesn’t live there himself.

I also don’t remember seeing a sold sign out front and Tom didn’t mention seeing one, so who knows the scoop on that?

God’s gonna get me on this either way. If it isn’t lots of noise from whoever lives there, then it’ll be lots of noise from visitors. What’s weird is that so far I haven’t heard a damn thing. No dogs or kids, so obviously they’re not over there yet. They must be staying back at the old place so as not to get in the way of moving.

One good thing about our illiterate, game-playing mailman is that within a month or so, I know I can expect a piece of their mail. This way I’ll know their name which is always a nice thing to know.

When the M’s moved in, it was like, damn! They came in slamming, shouting, screaming, sliding, knocking, and banging up a storm! The whole street had to know when they arrived.

I’m gonna go out back now.

Later…

I didn’t hear anything out back. When I went to check for packages, all I saw was the truck with its back door open, but no people. I’m now sitting by the window in the music room and I still can’t hear anything going on, so obviously they haven’t brought the kids and dogs. I never heard any kids looking at the house with anyone, so the kids never came with them, or I was asleep. If the guy I saw is gonna live there, then at his age, what does he do to afford the down payment? He looks like he might be a construction worker. It’s so much easier to afford a house here in AZ and the down payments are so much lower, but 2-5 grand is still a lot of dough by itself.

I know it sounds funny for me to ask this, but why is it so quiet? I don’t even hear furniture moving, let alone voices. I’ve just got to enjoy it while it lasts cuz I’m sure that either later today or by tomorrow, those dogs and kids will have arrived.

Later…

Oh, goody! It was just a false alarm next door. I’ll get into that after, but first I’m gonna write my usual prayer to God and show it to Tom.

Dear God,

They say that Jewish people don’t usually pray, but a friend said it’s OK for anyone to do so.

I know there are people out there who need Your help more than I do. Also, I fully intend to put forth every ounce of effort I possibly can to obtain the following goals. However, if You (along with my husband) can provide me with extra strength to accomplish these goals, I’d really appreciate it.

Please help me keep doing well by cutting down on cigarettes and even possibly quitting someday.

Please help me to keep a schedule Monday - Friday.

Please help me find out who “Robin” is and to make contact with her by mail or phone to thank her for being so kind to me years ago if she’s alive.

Please help my husband and I complete our sex life and please allow us a child. If a child is not in our cards, please help me to be able to accept it and deal with it.

Later…

Right now Tom’s setting up the computer to show me how to research the Robin case.

Anyway, when Tom came home he told me there was no sold sign and that someone just used the driveway to park there. The truck left at 3:30. No wonder I heard no dogs or kids.

I have a moderate vibe of someone moving in in mid-October which makes sense. It’s cooler then, so all the more the kids can be out playing. I believe October is when the M’s moved in in 1993.

Later…

I’m out in the living room now with the TV on.

Tom showed me how the newsgroups on AOL advertise and leave messages about all kinds of things. There are people looking for pen pals and there are groups for businesses and just about every subject imaginable. So, my job is to find a group that may contain someone who may have attended the camp. Once I find the most promising areas, we’ll post the message and hope that someone will know something. Tom’s still sure that we’ll get a name. I asked him what the chances of people who were at that camp back then would be at having computers. He said pretty high since it was a Jewish camp that wasn’t publicly run like Girl Scouts or something like that. Also, he says that other campers that were there in the mid-70s are now young to middle age and according to Tom that’s the prime age group for those who own computers.

Later…

I’m watching an old rerun of Law & Order.

I didn’t write about the “thought test” Andy and I did yesterday. I told him to think of me anytime between 3 PM - 9 PM and that I’d let him know if I sensed it and at what time. I also told him to think of me before he was going to bed when I’d be asleep to see if I dreamt of him. I didn’t have any dreams at all and I sensed him thinking of me at 4:50, but he said he did at 3:30. Oh, well. Maybe it takes time for the thought waves to travel, as Andy said.

Later…

I’m watching Dateline now, a news show. The talk show business sure has grown. Just a few years ago there were only about 5 talk show hosts. Now it seems there are 15-20.

Soon I’ll be listening to music, then hopefully falling asleep not too late.

I just watched an interesting case. A guy was charged with assisting the suicide of his wife for the first time in Florida’s history. She was really upset, threatened suicide, the guy threw her a loaded gun and she shot herself. Naturally, he got off. Also, naturally, the guy jurors were more on his side than the woman jurors.

Tom read my daily prayer which I’ll do as consistently as I can for a while. He liked it and he believes my praying will work. That’d be nice, but we’ll see.

Earlier I made the comment to Tom that I hoped that I didn’t get my period too early again next month. We’re in the 9th month of the year, but I’ve already had 10 periods. He said he didn’t think I would, and that was just his opinion. Really? How does he come to that opinion? I never bothered asking. Is he considering the deadline for his date and other reasons why he just may let himself go? Nah - I’m not gonna bother trying to read silly things into his opinion due to my wishful thinking.

Now they’re discussing how closing arguments in the OJ case have begun. Closing arguments will go on for weeks. They say he’ll either be convicted, acquitted or there’ll be a hung jury.

He won’t be convicted.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1995
Got my period two days early.

At the end of last week, I got another 10-page letter from Sarah. It was really great. She really is a great writer and the best pen pal I’ve ever had for sure. Today I’m sending her 6 drawings. One of a girl I copied and some of Linda and Gloria. I’ve also got 10 animal pictures that I’ll be sending her in the near future.

Last Saturday at 5 PM, a couple of kids started to play basketball next door. Tom said that kids aren’t stupid and that if they see an obviously vacant house, they’re gonna want to use their basketball hoop. Great. That’s all I need till there are kids living over there that’ll be doing this every day for hours. The good thing about it was that they quit as soon as they started.

Tom put up the little white plastic shelf that I had in the bathroom on the wall by the side of the waterbed. This way I can have coffee without having to always hold it in my hand and worry about spilling it on the bed.

More accident news concerning Gloria. She and her husband are fine but apparently, their boat collided with someone else’s. I believe another couple was on the other boat. The woman survived, but the guy’s dead. Authorities say that Gloria and Emilio did nothing wrong, but they’re still investigating it and Tom said he heard that they’re gonna check Emilio’s alcohol level. I’ve never heard of him having a drinking problem, but we’ll see. You never know.

See what I mean about every blessing coming with a burden? Gloria got to break her back for reaching the peak of fame, and now this for having Emily, which was very doubtful cuz of her back. Makes me wonder what would happen to me or both Tom and I if we could have a kid and that kid would be a miracle kid too, just like Gloria’s what with the way he is and cuz of the DES.

We started yesterday with a new experiment as far as cigarettes are concerned. For a while there, I had been smoking approximately 25-30 cigarettes a day. We’re starting with a pack a day. I take a pack for the day and he’s gonna find a place to hide the rest of them. We’re gonna do this for a while till I get used to that, then we’ll probably have me smoke less. Also, if I have cigarettes left over from certain days, that gets taken and hidden away by Tom. He said once it equals 5 packs or so, I can buy something with that money. 5 packs usually cost about $8.

Tom said, “I could take all your cigarettes and tell you that I’m not buying anymore, but that way you’ll just freak out and crave one till you can get one.”

This way, we’ll wean me down without freaking me out and hopefully, I’ll be able to deal with the cravings without going bonkers.

Tom thought it’d be best if I do what he does and catch up on my sleep on the weekends like most people do and like I used to do when I was in school. So far it’s been working out fine and I hope it stays that way. Another scary thing about having a kid is that there’d be no catching up on sleep for years!

Tom said that tomorrow or Wednesday he’s gonna show me how to do the next step as far as finding out about Robin over the Internet without having to wait on him. He said it will be time-consuming, but this way I can be a detective on my own and have fun doing it and surprising him with whatever I may find out like I love to do. Great!

Later…

I just talked to Tammy who had her woodstove on! Haha! It’s only 50º there and it’s around 30º at night.

I also asked if Bill was OK, and she asked what kind of vibe I felt. Nothing too serious, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, last Friday night wasn’t too cool for me. I was PMSing pretty good and the anger at Tom and God was pouring right through me. I told him to stop teasing me with sex and the kid. I got the same reply as I always do.

I asked him what he thought about going to a doctor and telling them about our situation and seeing if they can find a way to get his sperm into me. I’m sure they can. He said not till we try ourselves. Oh yeah, that’s right. We’ve only screwed a few times. All the times before didn’t count.

In fact, just the very next day he teased me again. We were lying in bed discussing how great it’d be if I could quit smoking. Then I said, “So, give me a reason to quit for 24 hours.”

He said OK yet he never came a drop.

Then he told me later how I “misunderstood” him and that when he said OK, he meant he was trying to by Oct. 15th. Whatever. Then I said, “I know you. You’ll only do it once, when I can’t get pregnant, just to have me stop smoking for 24 hours, but not cuz you want to.” Then he said that a bet is still a bet. Fine.

Sometimes I just can’t deal with this alone and it just freaks me out. I feel that all I can do is get through the 5 days or so out of every month that this happens all by myself till it goes away. When I’m having anxiety about these issues, it feels like they’ll never go away.

No, we didn’t end up screaming and swearing at each other or threatening to leave each other and I felt better soon enough, but I just wish there were an end to this shit!

The weekend was great, though.

Later…

About the weekend - Tom recorded himself playing some keyboards. He says he’s so out of shape playing, but he sure is better than I ever was. The difference between my playing nowadays and back in 1989 is pretty sad.

We went over to his parents, but they were out. So, Tom took his key and we went in anyway. Tom did about 20 minutes of work on their computer.

She really did hang up the puzzle in her hall. Very crooked, though.

I can see where Tom gets his living style. Their house is absolutely filthy! Not one picture on the walls was straight. There were food crumbs all over the table and windowsills. They obviously quit dusting and vacuuming a long time ago. There was clutter everywhere and papers all over the floors. The walls and ceilings are peeling and dirty. I’ll bet that the only reason why that house never reeks is cuz they always run their EC or have the door and windows open. I guess raising 5 kids will do that to you. You get used to living where things are messy, cluttered, and even filthy, cuz that’s how it is with kids. Unless you’ve got a mother like I had. No thanks.

Afterward, we went to Denny’s, then to Old America where I got a puzzle. It was of paperweights of 35 different colors, designs, and patterns. I finished it in less than 5 hours and it’s now on the wall in the music room.

Surprisingly enough, I am seeing a slight improvement in my nails. Tom noticed it, too. Guess I’ll keep taking those calcium tablets.

Tom’s not home now. He will be soon, though.

I threw Tom off. I really began my period on the 24th, but said I began it on the 23rd. On the 8th, which he’ll think is 14 days after my period, we’ll see if he’s conveniently unavailable to screw for whatever reason.

God, cutting down on the cigarettes has been hard! I want one now but know I should wait at least 45 minutes.

Later…

I spoke to Andy earlier who agrees more and more that thought vibration really exists. He said he had been thinking of Marla a lot the night he had me call her and that when she called him, she told him the same thing. So, if Robin’s really alive, she was thinking of me for sure when I first wrote about her, according to Andy. Yeah, I believe thought vibration could really exist, but only if the two people know each other. For example, I don’t exist in Gloria’s life, she doesn’t know me, therefore if I were to think of her, she couldn’t possibly think of me, too. Andy said you just don’t always know who starts it. However, it seems that all my thoughts and experiences with Robin just came to me suddenly. No events or anything seemed to lead to it. I asked him, if she were alive, does he think this means that she started to think of me first? He said yes.

Later…

Got a letter from Kim. She also sent two pictures of her with two other fat ugly women. She and one of the women were wrapping the other woman’s hair. This was in Greenfield. She said that if I send the pictures back, she’ll send them to Michelle. She didn’t look too bad in these pictures. I’ve seen her take worse pictures. Her hair still looks the same, as well as her clothes. She still wears that beeper that goes off every 5 minutes.

Andy and I were discussing what little we know so far about Gloria and Emilio’s boating trouble. He said their boat didn’t look as spectacular as he thought it would and it reminded him of the cabin cruisers we’d see around the beaches in CT. He pointed out how those things can go pretty fast and therefore, someone had to be going really fast and maybe was drunk for such an accident to occur. The other couple was actually riding a water jet skier and it sounds to me like they may have been drunk or careless cuz it’s a lot easier to maneuver a 32-inch boat such as Gloria has. I’ve never heard of any report concerning Gloria or Emilio drinking or doing drugs, but they’ve got kids, so who knows, even though I doubt it as Tom does. I told Tom and Andy that I felt that even if the pigs found they were obviously drunk, they wouldn’t get arrested. Every pig loves a show. Especially one that’ll give them publicity, but mostly I feel they’d let them off the hook cuz they’re rich, famous, and have kids. Tom said it’s the other way around. That pigs are more conscious of shit involving the rich cuz they don’t want the rich to feel they can get away with shit. Maybe, maybe not, but O.J. Simpson’s gonna walk, I’m sure. The jury is probably terrified to render a guilty verdict due to fear of another riot.

We screwed earlier and now Tom’s watching TV before he crashes. At 8:00 I’ll be watching a movie, then will probably crash around 10:00.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1995
Tom’s in the shower now. After, we’re gonna go over to his parent’s house, then out to eat.

I have a lot to write about, but I’ll have to do it later.

Oh, got another letter from Sarah yesterday.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 1995
It sure is hot out. There’s not one cloud in the sky, yet it feels humid.

Boy, was I sexually frustrated this morning! And a bit confused last night. Last night I thought we both understood that he’d go down on me and then we’d screw. Well, he went down on me but said he’d prefer to screw in the morning. I thought it was cuz he was tired, but then he was working on something in the back room. So then I said I’d like to ask him a question so I could better understand him. He said sure. I asked him how he had the gusto to work on stuff, but not to screw. He said, “I do have the gusto. I just prefer the morning. Can’t we do what I want?”

But all we do is what he wants.

Then he also said he still enjoyed going down on me, even though he was the doer and not the receiver. It got him hard and feeling good.

Weird!

Afterward, he did go in the bathroom for a good 10-15 minutes or so and it didn’t smell like he took a dump, so he very well could’ve relieved himself.

My guess as to why he chose not to screw last night is probably cuz he was built up enough and feared he’d lose control and cum. He really does seem to not only enjoy making me wait on stuff but also enjoy teasing me sexually. I don’t think he enjoys teasing me sexually as much as whatever’s up there, though.

Also, we discussed this waiting shit which I’ll get into in a little while.

Later…

Tom brought up a good point about why things get delayed. It’s hard to prioritize them at times. For example, the bed is a high priority, but we can’t treat it that way cuz we won’t have $600 to spare soon. Especially if we’re gonna save up to go back east in May. Priorities can abruptly change too, throwing off all the original plans. I may prefer a kid over going back east, but I know that’s just a fantasy, therefore, I’m gonna strive for the trip in May. Now, he says he prefers the kid over the trip too, but I know that’s bullshit, therefore, I’m sure he’s really knowingly, intentionally, and willingly doing all he can to enable us to go in May.

Well, I covered what was confusing and weird last night about sex (that’s Tom for you) and now I’ll cover what had me frustrated and a bit pissed. We fell asleep together last night saying we wanted a romantic morning (this morning). But what did I do at 5:00 when his alarm went off? Woke up wheezing. And he says it’s not a coincidence and that nothing’s trying to get in our way and tell us something? Fuck that shit!

Again, I ask myself - why do I set myself up? Why do I let myself be let down? Why do I let myself be sexually teased, be it by Tom or by upstairs? Why do I let him tease me about a kid? Don’t I have more respect for myself than that? How can sex be so great, yet so complicated?

I made an appointment to see Dr. Rausch on October 16th at 4:40. Hope that’ll be no problem for Tom.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1995
I’m working on a project for Tom. I’m going through my signing book and picking out the most common words used. Then I’m typing them up for him to film me signing the list so he can learn some signs. I told him, though, we’re talking about 400 or so signs and I’d appreciate not having to do all this work for nothing. So, I let him know that if he really wants me to do this and isn’t gonna just let the tape sit around and forget all about it, I’ll do it. He says he wants me to do it, but I still wonder just how many months it’ll be before he checks it out once or twice. Everything’s a waiting game for him. All he can do to put off anything and everything, he does. He’ll never read my story and if he says he’s got no time, it is an excuse to me. He could read a few pages before bed and while he was watching TV.

If only he was neater and didn’t procrastinate or play sex and baby games with me, he’d be perfect. But none of us are perfect, right?

He’s got me by the neck on Robin’s case. As long as he takes to do the next step which I can’t do myself, I’m stuck.

Later…

See? It always works. I hadn’t heard from Sarah in a while, so I sent her two envelopes two days ago and just got a 10-page letter from her today. I had feared she may have written and that her letter didn’t get here. The mailman fucks up still and today I got a piece of mail to Irene Wheeler. I don’t think anyone can be so stupid that often and that it’s accidental. I think he’s playing games.

Later…

Andy called for me to read him Sarah’s letter, so that’s why I didn’t write much before. I hope Sarah writes to Andy, cuz he’ll read it to me. Sarah really loved my letter and hers was friendly, open and honest. She’s definitely the best pen pal I’ve ever had and says to look for another letter.

I sure got some color today. The pool’s pretty cool, but not yet unbearable. I’ll have to tell Tom that the thermometer in the spa’s broken. The one in the main part of the pool’s OK, though.

Tom says the U-Haul leaves daily, but someone parks it there at night.

I have an idea that I’m gonna experiment with to keep myself on a day schedule. Every day, except on Fridays, I’ll set my alarm for 7 AM. Fridays will be catch-up days, so I’m not beat and bitchy over the weekend. This way, if I end up only sleeping from 3 or 4 AM to 7 AM, I can catch up. I think that’ll be better and less stressful for me if I do it that way, rather than every day.

I asked Andy if he thinks I’ll get Gloria’s introductory kit soon. He says that could be bullshit. It’s been about a year, so yes, that could be bullshit.

As I figured, Tom said it’d be fine if I used the Christmas cards. I’m sending 1 to Alex, 1 to Andy, 4 to Kim, and 4 to Bob.

Later…

Tom’s digesting his dinner. Then we’re gonna play around and after I cum and he doesn’t, I’ll start winding down till I crash.

Law & Order was disappointing. The 4th cop on the show is gone. Why does everyone quit that show? That’s 6-8 people that are gone now and have been replaced.

I forgot to make an appointment with Dr. Rausch after October 1st. I’ll do it tomorrow.

What else can I say at this time? Not much. I’ll have all the signs typed up tomorrow. I told that to Tom and he said he wants to go over it with me then and give me feedback.

I also got my puzzle book in the mail today.

Andy’s roommate Michelle has also been in fan clubs of various people. She says the response time varies from when you fill out a form to join. She said Fleetwood Mac took a while. She never heard from Laura Branigan, but Pat Benatar and Sheena Easton were punctual.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 1995
My day’s been off to a fun and romantic start.

The U-Haul is still next door, but now the blinds are shut.

I just came in from outside. This winter I don’t want my tan lines to get barely noticeable like all the other winters I’ve been out here.

That damn cat Oreo is beginning to be a problem and I wish I had a pellet gun or a bow and arrow. It shits all over the yard and it fucking stinks!

Andy was right when he said Marla was full of hot air about leaving me a message on AOL. I’ve gotten nothing from her. I haven’t even heard from Alex lately. Did he go to Alaska yet?

I tried to look up Marla and Evan, but couldn’t find them. Also, for the hell of it, I tried looking up different spellings of the name that came to me and I found some, but nothing really meant anything to me. There wasn’t even any in Maine or Massachusetts. There were a few in New Jersey, one in Connecticut, and a few in a few other states.

Later…

Someone may have been working around the house next door, but I’m not sure where it was coming from. It could’ve been from one of several different houses. As close as these houses are, there’s no way to tell for sure.

I left Andy a message and read him the sexual bullshit stories of two women I’m writing Sarah. I can only think of so many serious things to write her, so I asked Andy what’s the best bullshit topic to write about and he said sex. I’m sending Sarah two envelopes today. One contains a 4-page letter and the first 4 pages of Robin’s story. The other envelope contains the remaining 8 pages of Robin’s story.

Did I send Bob the Robin case? Yeah, I think I did, but he hasn’t said anything about it. That’s the thing with Bob - I ask him to tell me what he thinks of a certain thing or ask him a question and most of the time I get no answer.

Later…

I just threw a TV dinner in the mic.

I’m pre-cramping, bloated and constipated - yuck! The low-grade fever was back earlier at 99.1. Luckily, this cold was so barely noticeable that I don’t even know if I can call it a cold. After I cranked up the EC, splashed cold water on myself, and laid down for a few minutes, I felt much better.

Later…

I just ate whatever I could of my TV dinner. I don’t have too much of an appetite.

It’s amazing how every time I go outside, there are flocks of birds and pigeons on the loose block wall pieces where I feed them. Even if there’s no food, they’re there.

I beaded two 2” strands to hold all my barrettes since I’ve decided I want them all in the same area. I only left 3 barrettes in the bedroom that are uglier. I have these strands holding about 20 barrettes in the music room and there are also about 8-10 on the cord to the blinds.

Tom and I only slept for about 6 hours. He got up at 11 PM and I got up at 4 AM. I could tell he was instantly horny, which was nice, and he was rubbing against me. He told me to have my coffee and wake up and that he’d wait for me in the bedroom. He went to pee first, and I could be wrong cuz I was still half asleep, but it seems to me he had plenty of time to beat off. The other day I asked him if a guy could cum, then reharden and cum again a few minutes later. His answer was, “Yeah. It varies.”

I don’t know what to think or do, but I’m completely powerless over him. He won’t budge. It’s sad too, cuz this isn’t some asshole that’s doing this. This is a great person.

He told me the other day that he was honored that I love him enough to have a kid with him. It’s sweet to hear this. Then again, it doesn’t mean anything. When someone’s actions don’t go with their words, then what are you supposed to feel and think? His actions say to me, Hey, I’m scared. More so than you and that’s pretty damn scared. I have no faith in you as a mom, I don’t want it, etc.

He also told me the other day that since we’ve been sleeping together, the sex has been better than he ever imagined it could be. Yeah, so much better that he forgot to cum.

Also, as far as he’s concerned, two good screws are all we’ve had. Now that’s pretty low and insulting. So is he saying that all the other times we screwed didn’t matter or count in any way? Did he lie all those times he said it was great?

He also told me we are trying for a kid, and not to give up after only “two good screws.” Whether or not he thinks we’ve had one good screw or a million good screws, we’re not trying for a kid. We’re just fooling around and having fun. Trying for a kid means having fun and cumming in my book.

He just loves to insult and tease me with the issue of sex and a kid which he’ll deny all his life. Also, if God isn’t a hoax, then He really is damn against me having a kid. I haven’t prayed consistently, but I’ve made my wish, along with other wishes, well enough known to Him. The answer’s obviously no. If He really exists, then He knows I can’t quit smoking on my own. He obviously doesn’t want me to quit or else wouldn’t He give me the strength I need to quit? Tom said if he were God, he’d want the prayer asked every day for a while. Would God really interpret that as the person really wanting it that much? Or would He feel the person was being pushy, demanding, and selfish?

This is a long shot, but if Tom’s planning on cumming and us having a kid, he may have reasons for wanting to wait. Although he strikes me as someone who will always have reasons to wait.

We set a goal for me to make a CD by September 1996. As far as I’m concerned, it’s never gonna happen or will happen way later. I feel this way due to so many other things taking so much longer to happen. There are still things we said we were gonna do when we first met that we haven’t done cuz he’s either busy or not in the mood. I know it’ll be months before he ever helps me continue with the Robin case.

Anyway, he may want to wait cuz of my needing my teeth worked on, cuz of the trip in May, and cuz of the CD and other things like getting the business started and getting more money.

He swears we can afford a kid now, he knows money, etc. But $16,000 a year for 3 people? I don’t think so. We’d need more like $25,000 - $30,000.

He said, though, that the only way to get me going and motivated is for us to try for all our goals at once. Please! Does he think I’m stupid? I can just see myself trying to tell someone that. Oh yeah, we’re trying for a kid now. He doesn’t cum, but we really are trying for that kid! Right! Sounds pretty off the wall and ridiculous to me.

The trip in May could only be canceled by a lack of time and money. Nothing else, unless one of us gets in an accident or deathly ill, or if there were a crisis in his family. As I told Tom the other night, I have mixed emotions about that trip, whether or not we had a kid. I’d have preferred them to come out here first. We’re gonna be totally bored at the Bat mitzvah (I will be). Tom will hate the food. I’ll hate that climate and worry about my asthma and allergies. I’ll hate the bad memories from the place as well.

Later…

Well, well. The U-Haul’s gone. Someone’s definitely over there cuz their screen door’s open. It’s got to be only one adult. Probably the Realtor. They have a really nice security door. The kind we hope to get one of these years. However, due to the antics that’ll be part of everyday life moving in next door, I doubt I’ll want the door open.

Tom can also procrastinate trying to fix the bent window in the music room for all I care. However, it’d be nice to have it open late at night. If they have their window open late at night, though, which is only about 20 feet away, and if they’re up - forget it.

An organization for paralyzed veterans sent 10 free Christmas cards which I’m sure Tom will let me have for Kim and Bob. I loved the way they printed up the free address labels they also misspelled the last name. Haha

Tonight begins the season premiere of the new shows, including Law & Order. So, I’ve got a whopping 10-15 new shows to look forward to.

Mom S. called last night with nothing important, just a funny story about the cable guy. I guess he confused certain wires with phone wires.

She liked the squirrel and the other animal I shaded in (can’t remember what the other animal was) and is going to crochet it. She also liked the puzzle and hung it on her wall in the hall.

Lastly, she said the video of me at age 4 looked like a miniature of me today. She says when she looks at her sons’ pictures at that age, she isn’t sure who’s who.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1995
It’s much dryer out, or drier, out there today, so that’s good.

My cold (if it really is one) is so barely noticeable and a joke compared to colds I’d get back east and when I first came here.

It’s very unusual for me to sleep 8 hours, then sleep for 4 more 4 hours later, but I obviously needed it and it helped.

Again - thank God for no baby at this time, cuz I wouldn’t have been able to get that sleep I needed. Especially with Tom going off to work.

I’m gonna go try to sing a bit, then I’ll update stuff after.

Later…

Just sang about 5 songs which didn’t make my throat sore like it did yesterday.

Earlier I cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed all the carpet. That made me feel a little hot and dizzy, so I revived myself by throwing myself in the pool as chilly as it’s gotten to be.

I’m still feeding our local birds here, which includes about 8 pigeons. Yesterday morning when I went outside there was not one bird in sight. Seconds later, they lined up on the electrical lines one by one to be fed. Now they’re always out there, even if there’s no food. I took a few pictures earlier.

Goldie called last night at about 6:30. I was asleep, but Tom talked to her. She was calling to say goodbye. They’re home now and hopefully, they got my letter.

I don’t believe I’ve written about the “echo edits” yet. Tom made an echo effect with an old monitor.

I just had to stop to sneeze and blow my nose. Then when I stuck a Band-Aid over the bridge of my nose it stopped instantly. I wish I knew this trick in Springfield! However, I was severely cursed there and was destined to suffer.

I’m making Tom Hamburger Helper for when he comes home.

Anyway, Tom and I sang into the mike which I recorded off of the living room stereo speakers. I sang and laughed and we both said whatever. I mocked a few edits. It sounds really cool and I love how each thing overlaps the different things we recorded.

I’ll write about what Kim sent after I finish cooking.

Later…

Well, someone’s watering the yard next door. If it’s not a Realtor, then I think it could be someone the M’s know. There’s a blue Blazer parked in front of the U-Haul that I think I’ve seen before. I hear someone rustling around out there, but that’s all.

Oh, how I wish it could stay this way forever! Soon the peace will be shattered by the constant sounds of kids and dogs. How much do you want to bet that God will have them move in right as the weather cools down? Even if there were one unpopular kid over there who’s an outcast, there’ll be dogs to deal with and then, in that case, I’m sure they’ll have way more company than the M’s.

Anyway, Kim sent me a letter and 4 pictures of her apartment It’s not as dumpy as she made it sound, even though it’s not like the ones we had on Elm St. It’s small but more modern than I thought.

She sent me the rappers. You take a ¼-½” piece of hair and wrap different colors of embroidery floss around it. It looks a little tacky and is sort of heavy if I do a piece from the root to the end, so I did 2 partials. At my left temple, I did a braid, then wrapped 2 inches about 2 inches above the ends. Under my right ear, I wrapped it 2 inches below my roots to 2 inches above my ends. I used pink and blue that came with the pamphlet for the one that’s braided. Then I used blue, black, yellow and orange for the other one. I ran out of red, purple and other color flosses. It’s pretty easy to do, but it takes time. Since I don’t need the pamphlet, I’m sending it to my nieces.

Since we’re not rich, I wish I could just quit smoking! A catalog came today with all kinds of clothes that are totally me. I added up everything I liked and it came to $600. Good, God! Why must everything be so expensive?

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 1995
Yesterday was a pretty good day. We screwed and he also went down on me. If he wasn’t really aroused, then he was doing a fine job of acting. Every time he was getting really close, he’d slow down or stop. And I thought I was scared to get pregnant! I am, even though it’s what I want, but little did I know I’d meet anyone more scared. Hey, he’s a guy and that’s how most guys are about the issue.

It’s nearly impossible to get pregnant 9-10 days before your period, anyhow. However, I wish there were a way to compromise with him, even though you can’t compromise about a baby. You either have one or you don’t.

I’m trying not to be so obsessed with the issue, as well as to continue to accept that it can never be. Sometimes it’s as easy to do as it is to say. Other times I feel like I’m just gonna freak out cuz I can never have a child. It’s sooo hard sometimes. Like I’ve said before, though, I do not doubt in my mind that this will get easier each year and that when it’s too late to get pregnant anyway, I’ll be very happy and grateful it turned out that way, just as I’m very glad and grateful that I never got pregnant by Ron or Bruce.

Late last night and yesterday afternoon, Tom said he saw a U-Haul parked in the driveway next door. We haven’t seen or heard anyone, so who knows what the scoop is?

I wonder if I’ll get Kim’s package today.

I’m rather surprised I haven’t heard from Sarah yet. I only hope to hell she didn’t send her second letter and that it didn’t get to me. I think I’ll start a letter to her.

Later…

Andy’s on the phone now, so I left him a message about what I’m about to say. Sarah likes serious letters but I can only think of so much serious stuff to write about, whether a lot’s going on or a little’s going on. Therefore, since I’ll never really be friends with her and probably never meet her, I’ll just type up some serious-sounding tall tales for her. Gotta wake Tom up at 5:00, but for now, I’ll go start Sarah’s letter. Watch, I’ll get one from her the day I mail hers out. I’m holding off on Kim’s till I get her mail.

Today, tomorrow, or the next day, Tammy should get the 3 disks we’re sending her.

Later…

Sarah’s gonna be happy. She’s gonna be receiving two envelopes from me. One will have the Robin case, the other a letter.

That U-Haul is still over there, but I haven’t heard any kids or dogs yet.

I don’t feel too great right now and have a sore throat, so I will write later.

Later…

I’m already feeling better. The fact that Goldie and Al are leaving today was on my mind, and so was the fact that I can never have a child. Nonetheless, my sore throat is better and my temperature has gone from 99.4 to 99.1.

I managed to dust the place, clean the microwave, and vacuum and mop the kitchen floor. Tomorrow I’ll do the bathroom and vacuum the rest of the house.

Just called the weather line to see what they say. Yuck! 47% humidity, only a high of 100 dgs. The bright side of it is that in a couple of days, it will be drying up.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1995
I was up for quite a while yesterday (20 hrs) but got a lot done.

We didn’t have sex yet, but we’ll see. I asked him if the bet I know I’ll win is still on. He says yes, but give him an extra week. That’s fair, but fair or not, he’ll always need an “extra week” till the day he dies.

I got up shortly after midnight and was shocked to find Tom up.

He went to his parents’ house to work on Mary’s car. She was there as well as Nickolena. It took hours and hours to work on the car. Much longer than anyone anticipated, but Mary gave him $40 which was nice.

He showed his parents the video and his parents agreed that I looked Nickolena’s age of 16 months when I was 4. Also, Tammy looks older. She seems to be the only one in the family who looks either her age or older.

She was also happy with the puzzle.

Bad news for the printing program. It won’t run on certain older computers with certain software. Now who knows how long it’ll take him to find the problem and fix it? His attitude is absolutely amazing, though. He feels setbacks help him learn so he can move forward. True, but I’d really want to throw in the towel, if not then, drop dead. I tend to believe that the longer something doesn’t happen or go right, it wasn’t meant to be and in a sense, I’d be going against God and fighting His wishes. Tom says don’t try so hard and then things will come to you, but most people say you have to try and work for what you want. It won’t just come to you on a silver platter.

Got a postcard from Gloria’s fan club saying my introductory order will arrive soon. I’m looking forward to it, but I hope all her pictures aren’t current ones.

I got an herb catalog too, that I’d like to check out with Tom.

Later…

After Tom had a shitty day yesterday, I decided he shouldn’t have to have anything to do with laundry or making food. So, I washed and hung both loads of laundry out on the line, made spag, and made him a sandwich.

Just as the sun was on its way up was when I was outside. There must’ve been 100 birds out there with that same look Piggy gives me when I get up that says, feed me! There were 8 pigeons, so that was cool.

Tom’s in the shower now, then he’s going food shopping. Then I assume we’ll do some playing around. Well, there is a bright side to sex being only for me and that is that I enjoy it and love to get off. Better that one of us is into it than neither of us, huh?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1995
When Tom came home last Thursday he said I was gonna say, I told you so! Then he told me they offered him a full-time position at work. I told him I had a strong feeling he wouldn’t have to get a part-time job and that almost all of my strong feelings are right.

Yesterday we had a long talk about our situation that I wrote about and even read him what I wrote. I know nothing can ever be consistently good, but I just wish there weren’t so many things getting in the way of good sex. Why can’t we go for longer periods where sex is good? It’s not that I don’t ever want to have sex again, it’s just that I want to feel that he’s a part of it too. I want to feel more pleasing to him.

He brought up a point when he said, “I just couldn’t get into it, but it wasn’t your fault. We all have our days when we can’t get into a lot of different things.”

True.

He brought up another good point when he told me to imagine how I’d feel if he were the one giving up on me as far as the sex goes, the singing, the business, and whatever else. True as well. I don’t want to give up, but I don’t want to go running around in circles with him all my life, either.

Early in the morning, we’re gonna do some recording and videotaping of us playing guitar, keyboards, and singing. If we don’t complete the video this weekend, then we agreed on a goal of completing it by next weekend.

He set up an awesome thing, though. We talked, laughed, and sang through the mike and out the speakers and it came out with reverb and would echo about 5 times. It makes you sound edited, but each edit overlaps the other, unlike my edits. I ran an old edit tape from one box, through the mike and out of the speaker and into another box. It sounded OK but was a little distorted and bassy. There was static too, or buzzing or hissing, or whatever the hell you want to call it.

I left Andy a few messages with my evil laughter as well as me singing and talking. He thought it was cool. I’ll have to play some for Tammy and my parents one of these days. For Kim, too.

I wonder if tomorrow or Monday I’ll get that hair thing from Kim. Probably Monday.

Tomorrow is when we’ll probably send Tammy’s disks out to her.

There’s something set up wrong, cuz I can’t get into AOL to see if there are any messages from Marla or Alex.

Got a letter from Bob today who had nothing new to really say. He also sent me an article that he wants me to send to Kim. The girl in the article, Tom and I agreed, was pretty stupid for bringing her stuff in and not just the auto registration. Tom says he thinks it’s another visitor who stole her stuff from the prison she visited.

Later…

I’m making a chicken pot pie now.

I began to type up the beginning of this book, but now that I’ll be done with it, it’ll make it easier. It’s a pain in the ass when I want to write, then realize it’s out by the computer, just when I made myself comfy. I know my next book won’t include Tom cumming, but I sure hope it brings better sex. I just want to feel normal about it like a whole woman. Not some freak of a sexual outcast. Yes, it’s true that when we start sex we may not be able to get into it. Or, don’t think we can get into it, but do, but I just don’t want these weekly setbacks with problems and excuses of various kinds.

How can it be so muggy with the EC on? Even Tom had said it felt muggy earlier, but it doesn’t feel muggy outside. Better go switch the AC back on now.

Later…

I just ate and had a cigarette which I’m trying not to do much of.

It’s a pretty dark night out. Can’t read the writing on the top step of the pool, let alone see the drain. There are several stars out. It’s cloudless, though, which makes it darker. Clouds seem much lighter than the dark sky with no clouds.

Anyway, I began a letter to Bob which I’ll go finish. That’ll go out tomorrow, along with Goldie and Al’s welcome home letter.

Later…

Just finished Bob’s letter.

I can’t believe there’s still no one next door, but oh how I love it!!!!!!!! It’s great not hearing dogs and van doors that sound like they’re right in front of my face! Boy, am I gonna get compensated for this! Thank God I love music and fans, cuz I’m gonna really need them. I’ll miss these quiet peaceful nights. And days, too. I’ll miss the times of hearing only Tom talk if that’s all I want to hear. Soon enough I won’t be able to hear the TV and TV alone. There’ll be bouncing balls, screaming, and car doors with it. Oh, how I’ll miss these times!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 1995
I was just too goddamn fucking out of it to write earlier. Plus, Tom wanted to talk. Before I write up on what blew my fuse, I’ll mention a few other things.

Andy said he heard that Karson moved to Paysen. This is just a rumor, but I hope it’s true.

Andy loved the artwork on the envelope I sent. That striped design I put on the cover of the journal he gave me. The funny thing about it is that he’s posting it in the laundry room of his complex.

Mom and Dad called us tonight. They got their bird to say a few things. It will be on America’s Funniest Videos soon.

Mom gave me an awesome suggestion, and once again, it feels so good to have her bring up suggestions about stuff I’m into. She said she got the idea from a picture of me that I sent her with me standing in front of the block wall by our pool. She said there was a block wall around their pool on Nettles Island (I don’t remember it) and that people into art painted it a solid light blue-green, then painted in fish, manatees, lobsters, seaweed, etc. That’s an awesome idea! In fact, I want to go check something out, so I’ll write about other bullshit later.

Later…

I think my parents will like their next envelope. Bordering the bottom of the back of it, I drew fish, seaweed, and a starfish. Also, I’ve outlined that scheme on the wall in the music room.

Andy was supposed to call at 5:00 for me to call his dad. Guess he fell asleep.

Now I’ll get into the shit that began yesterday morning. I had been feeling so good. So much better about our sex lives than ever, and Tom had said he felt the same way. Last night, though, I got to wondering - what if he feels like he’s losing control and may cum and is therefore scared of me getting pregnant? So, yesterday morning I started doing him with my hand, then he came out and said he couldn’t get into it cuz it was too planned and not spontaneous enough. There’s always a fucking excuse!!! So, finally I told him. “Look, I’ve had it. Just when I felt better than ever, you pull this and make me feel like a freak.”

All cuz our sessions are sometimes planned? Give me a break! I’m so psychologically sick of this and these sex and baby games. I can never be good enough or do anything right sexually for long enough. There’s always got to be a problem, excuse or setback and I’m so fucking sick of it.

Why do I bother? Why should I bother when all will go well for a week or two and then there will be another problem that he’ll swear isn’t my fault but will imply otherwise that he may as well say it’s my fault?

He does a great job of making me feel like I’m not good enough sexually. We’re just not compatible sexually. I never had this fucking problem with women.

Then he tells me that in his mind, we just started. Every fucking week he’ll say that!

He tells me he won’t ask me for sex, but he’s not afraid of me having a kid, don’t give up, it’ll get better, everything has its setbacks. Fuck this shit! There are too many setbacks and I’m fed up. I’ve had all I can take and refuse to go through this month after month and year after year.

He told me that the only negative thing about when I woke him up for sex was that it seemed to him like I came into the room, we did whatever, then I left.

Now he tells me this? Why didn’t he tell me before?

So, I was right. Sex is all one big act on his part. He’s not really into it. He just does it to please me. I wonder how many other hidden negatives he has. From what I’ve learned and have seen, people who lust or lust and love each other can get off anywhere whether it’s planned or not.

I’m just sick of feeling like an isolated freak who’s all alone in this situation. Things go OK for a while, then there’s a problem and while he swears he’s not blaming me, it’s here’s what I can do to help him. But only HE can help himself! If he doesn’t want to cum, I can’t make him do it or help him.

He explained his weird feelings about the injection. He said my getting the injection would block/pressure him during sex cuz he’d be sad we couldn’t start a family and he’d have to adapt to that. Oh, boo hoo, poor baby! Well, how the fuck does he think I feel knowing, OK, we’re gonna screw now, but we can’t start a family cuz he won’t cum?

Then I also have to go through the feelings of feeling like half a woman. I don’t feel one bit sorry for him. Not one fucking bit and how the hell can I ever have any kind of sex with him again with all this shit hanging over my head? There’ll just continue to be one problem after another where I’ll feel like a sexual outcast. Well, I’m retiring from this game. I’m not gonna have my head played with and I don’t care whether it’s intentional or not. I’m sooooooo fucking sick of it!!!!!!!!!!

He tells me that by not trying to improve our sex lives and have a kid I’m punishing him. Yeah, I’m punishing him. Just like he punished me with these issues, but that’s a small part of it. The big part of it is that I cannot have sex with someone who I feel is literally abusing and playing with my head with it. I can’t let someone touch me whose heart I feel really isn’t in it, who’s doing it for me and not us, who says they want a kid but doesn’t.

Then he has the nerve to totally contradict himself by saying I have more hope for better sex and a kid than he does and that’s why I’m more emotional about it and how he feels trapped and hopeless. Bull fucking shit! I have below 0% hope and that’s how I know it’ll always stay. How the fuck can he think I don’t feel more trapped, powerless and hopeless, cuz that’s exactly what I am!

There will be no kid with or without sex. There will be no sex, cuz I can’t fucking deal with it anymore. We’re just gonna have to deal with taking care of our own sexual needs.

He also came out and said that by throwing away the sex and kid I’m throwing away the singing and the business. Yeah, right! What the fuck have they got to do with each other?

Can’t this guy be as good, sweet, and as loving in bed, as out of bed? Well, I gave him two years’ worth of a chance and he blew it. He’s never even been half as physical with me as most couples are. He’ll just never open up, loosen up and let go sexually. I did try to help him, but only he can take charge and do that. He never did, so I’m beyond caring or wanting to bother. He’ll have to think of new games to play with me.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1995
Hey, I just wrote 3 songs!

Got some fairly shocking, yet nice news to start with. This may happen once a year, but yesterday’s sex was awesome. As soon as he was inside me, I said to myself, wow! He’s closer than he’s ever been. Then I said, nah. He tells me he’s almost always close. Sure enough, though, when we were done he said he’s never been that close and that there’s no comparison to how close he was then within the past. I know not to count on this being a common occurrence, but it sure made me feel good. More normal and womanly, I guess. He took my hope of having a kid which is usually between 0% - 1% and made it 2%. I had about a second there where I feared possibly having to go with no smokes for 24 hours.

He said to me, “I’m doing lousy with the weight bet, but I’m gonna win this one, so you better get used to the idea of that 24 hours with no cigarettes.”

I’m still 98% - 99% sure he won’t cum, but if he only cums once at a time of the month that I can’t get pregnant only for the sake of me having to not smoke for 24 hours, I’m gonna be pissed!

I spoke to Andy who’s thrilled that his money problems are solved due to Michelle moving in. Now his rent will only be $175. This is also a good way to see how well they can live together for the next 6 months when his lease is up. We both think it’ll work out fine cuz he gets along better with Michelle than he did with Bug.

I called Marla for him cuz he wanted me to have her call him. Marla says she’ll be sending me an email on AOL. Tomorrow at 2:00 I’ll be calling his father so he can wish him a happy birthday, and he’ll pay us back.

I haven’t read Andy my songs yet, but Tom saw them, of course. He rated Walk Towards the Light a 7, Entity an 8, and Unplanned Fate a 9 with the potential to be a 10.

I sang earlier and recorded myself singing and playing the guitar to The Sweetest Gift.

Later…

Andy’s gonna be calling, so I may get cut off.

I asked Tammy if she got a tape from Mom and Dad and she got the same one I got on her birthday.

Tom got more work done on the back room and with other stuff than I thought. I guess the reason it seemed differently is cuz I’ve never been that busy or had so much stuff.

I took those same plastic notes I traced on the wall and traced them on an all-white T-shirt. Then I colored them in. I’ve had these notes for 10 years and little did I know just how useful they’d be.

Later…

I finally got ahold of Kim who’s doing fine and miraculously will be able to have kids. She’ll be out of work for one more week. She said she got all kinds of single sheets of stationery for 37 cents apiece in Maine before her surgery. She stood with her mother the first night, was throwing up and sore, but is much better now. Afterward, she stood with her grandmother in Maine for 3 days.

She also received that hair thing, so she’s gonna send me that, pictures, and a letter.

Later…

I am so fucking miserable right now. I mean, I feel like a total failure. I should’ve known better. Why did I set myself up to fall?

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 1995
Well, well. I just checked the period & sex chart. Never have we screwed right smack when I was mid-cycle. Like I should be surprised, right? Did it just happen that way? Did Tom plan it that way? Did God plan it that way? Well, it doesn’t matter when we screw since he doesn’t cum anyway. I also still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I were sterile, either.

Back to the tape Ma sent. It was pretty cool to see, but those clothes, bathing suits, and beehive hairdos - gross! I admit to crying when I saw Nana and Pa. I miss them. Especially pa.

Boo, who’s married to Max, was Pa’s niece and is my mother’s cousin. Boo, whose real name is Dorothy (how she got her nickname beats me), has a son Kim and a daughter Rhoda.

At the Passover party, when we lived next to Nana and Pa, were my cousins Lori and Lisa, my mom’s brother Ronnie and his ex-wife June and a few others who I don’t know. My parents, Larry and Tammy were there too, of course.

Tom asked if I thought there was other stuff they cut out or if I was the bulk of the filming. I said I had no idea and asked him what he thought. He said he thought I was the bulk of the filming cuz I was the youngest and that’s how it usually works in families.

He also said he’d like to show the tape to his parents.

Tom said I looked more like I was 2, not 4, but as Goldie and Al reminded him, I was always small and never looked my age. I wasn’t always small widthwise, though. Al was saying how everyone else in my family is big and how even though Tammy was premature, she grew up tall and wide and was pretty heavy the last time they saw her.

We met them at a restaurant called Chili’s and we pretty much chatted about family and friends and places. Ruth was tired, so she stayed home.

I told them about the journals and the tape. She said she hasn’t seen this tape but is sure she will.

I’m gonna ask Tammy if she got any tapes, when she got them, and what’s on them.

We were all pretty teary-eyed when we said goodbye.

I asked them if they will be at the Bat mitzvah and Goldie said yes, if she’s invited. I’m sure she will be. So we’ll probably be seeing them again in 8 months, cuz if we don’t make it there it won’t be cuz I’m pregnant.

I put clear contact paper on the front and back of Ma’s puzzle, but we’ve got to get that glue and more contact paper anyway.

I did try calling 1411 to see what address they had for the M’s. It seems I remember hearing it takes 10 days for 1411 to update addresses and numbers, and they left on the 1st. They gave the same address, though, which is weird. Maybe they are staying with someone till they move out of state, but kept their phone and forwarded their calls to where they’re staying. At 7:30 yesterday morning I called (didn’t say anything) and Dean answered and said in a cheerful voice, “Hello, it’s Dean. This is not a machine. What’s up? What’s the deal?”

Now I’m gonna go type a list of the most commonly used words for Tom to film me signing.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 1995
I’m pretty frustrated right now. Do you have any idea just how much easier my life would be if I didn’t want a kid? Why do I want a kid, anyway? I wish I could figure that out. Why would I want to put myself through all it entails?

On Fridays, we make a list of stuff to do. Well, I’m so sick of him not doing all he says he’s gonna do or only doing a part of things.

He tells me I can always talk to him, but talking with him only makes him feel pressured and I know it turns him off and brings him down. He also feels like I’m attacking him. I’m trying to deal with this in silence, but it’s sooo hard. Are there any others out there with guys who get hard, but won’t cum? Am I really as alone as I think I am? I asked Alex if he’s ever heard of a guy like that. He hasn’t.

Why me?!?! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Later…

I just finished putting together Ma’s 1000-piece puzzle. Tom can still get glue for puzzles, but with a puzzle this big and loose, I think it’d be best to put clear contact paper on the front and back. I’ll get Tom’s opinion when he gets up.

I think I may have had another memory of Robin, but I can’t be too sure. It seems the night I was with her when we were on our beds before falling asleep, I was playing the game most kids play. The game of - guess what color, or number, or animal I’m thinking of?

No wonder Karson hasn’t called me or Andy. Her phone’s been disconnected. Andy said she wouldn’t just blow us off forever.

Great.

Later…

As I knew real damn good and well - no getting pregnant this month. I must’ve ovulated for a short time which was this morning. This morning my temperature was 98.7 and now it’s 97.5. Plus, I was mid-cycle yesterday, so even if he’d cum, it’s too late.

I took a swim an hour ago and the pool water’s already cooling down. It was slightly chilly. It’s getting down to 40º at night back east.

I still haven’t been able to reach Kim. I sure hope she’s OK. It was nice of Tom to ask if I’d heard from her this morning and reassure me about her and say we’ll see each other again.

This weekend we hope to make a video of me singing The Sweetest Gift and White Rhythm & Blues. Tom will play the keyboards for both songs and I’ll play the guitar for The Sweetest Gift. It’s mainly for Lisa, but the other kids, Tammy and Bill will see it too, I’m sure. Maybe we’ll send my parents and Goldie and Al a copy.

Speaking of tapes - got a real surprise from my parents. Here’s what the tape contained: Nana & Pa in Florida in 1959 with Cousin Boo & Rhoda, Passover of 1968, Old Colony Beach in 1969, Nana & Pa at White Mountains in New Hampshire, and my 4th birthday

I’ll write much more later about that and our visit with Goldie and Al later.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1995
Damn, am I getting gray hairs! Shall I dye it? Nah, not yet. I just trimmed my bangs a little while ago.

Tom’s still certain he’ll win both bets.

We began playing around earlier, but I had to stop cuz of knee pain I’ve had for about 4-5 days now. See? There’s always a problem with one of us, though it’s usually with him. Always something gets in the way. I find it ironic too, seeing how I could be ovulating right around this time. Coincidence? Doubt it. Anyway, I obviously pulled a ligament or something like that and it didn’t quite tickle earlier. I had it in an ace bandage and had to take an Ibuprofen.

After we screwed around the other day, Tom said it was almost perfect. He said the only two things about it he didn’t like were that the angle was off and that he didn’t cum. Yeah, right! I’ve won this one!

Kim was supposed to call me on the night of the 6th and have surgery on the 7th. I haven’t heard from her, though. Tom says he’s sure she’s OK, can have kids, and probably got talked into staying with someone at the last minute.

Soon enough it’ll be pleasant at night, so I’ll have to have Tom fix the bent window frames in the music room. He unbolted them, but they’re very old single-paned windows that are a bit crooked. I’ve never lived anywhere where I had such old shitty windows to deal with.

Tom refreshed me on how to use the Melody Maestro. However, every time we hummed The Sweetest Gift, it played back what sounded like a totally different song. I sang earlier while he played the keyboards. I even played a little guitar.

There was a problem with launching the print program. A message came up after we sent it saying it’d be reviewed by the staff, but we never heard anything about it. Meanwhile, he re-sent it an AOL as well as CompuServe and whatever else.

As for Robin, well, we browsed through AOL last night and got some ideas as to where we’d leave a message to try to track down others who may have attended this camp in ‘74. Who knows when Tom will do his part in this case as he says he will or try hypnotizing me? He’s always busy and 80% of the time he either procrastinates or can’t come through at all for whatever reason. I can tell you right now, the bee and cigarette machines are a bust. A big joke as far as I’m concerned. Also, if he wants to stall Robin’s case to do his “instill patience” thing, he’s got me. There’s nothing more I can do in this case without him.

We’re gonna see Goldie and Al one last time before they leave for Boston Tuesday night at 7:00.

Later…

I’ll have to ask Tom to open the music room vent a bit more. I have the EC on now which blows very hard, but I can’t feel a thing and it’s a bit stuffy in here.

I did that strip of musical notes/G-clefs I said I was gonna do in the hall between the living room doorway and the linen closet. Almost a week ago I traced them in, but last night I colored them in with pretty pinks, purples and blues, then covered them with clear contact paper.

The hair that was shaved around my ear is on its way back. It can almost reach a ponytail. It still looks pretty funny, though.

Someone was definitely next door earlier, cuz the sprinklers were on and there were lights on over there till 8:30 or so. We’re pretty sure it was the Realtor or a neighbor trying to keep the place up. I’m sure no Realtor wants to show a house with either a brown lawn or an overgrown lawn. Plus, it was too quiet. No sounds of trucks, moving, kids or dogs.

Later…

I just woke Tom up for some tongue action, but personally, he did a shitty job, even though I did end up cumming, and doesn’t seem too happy right now. He said he likes that and that I could wake him up every night, even though I wouldn’t if he were really backed up in his sleep. Maybe he doesn’t feel well.

I forgot to mention this a few days ago, but no more Karson for me. She told Andy and me on our machines she was pissed and for us never to call her again. Neither of us did anything to her and Andy and I are sick of her. She does this constantly and God only knows how Andy’s put up with her for over a year. She’s always whining and bitching, and I smell Fran in her. I always have, but the scent is getting stronger and I don’t need any Fran’s, Nervous’s, Ellie’s, etc. in my life. I’ve come too far for that.

Later…

Tom opened the vent in here. Much better.

Tom also told me he’s just very tired and it’s a dismal feeling to know he’s gotta get up super early the next 3 days. I said, “Then how will we manage a kid?”

He said, “You can’t compare that, honey.”

How can you not? I guess it’s a matter of how much you want something. For example, I’ll do more to see to it that I’m awake and functional to see Goldie and Al, rather than Andy cuz Andy lives here and isn’t going anywhere. Who knows how many years it’ll be before I see Goldie and Al again after Tuesday? The next time I do see them, whenever I do, it’ll probably either be in Florida or MA.

My encounters with Robin aren’t as frequent as they were in the beginning and I don’t think I’ll ever get her name, but I’m still so curious. If she’s alive - who is she? What is she? Where is she? What does she look like? Will I ever really know for sure? God, please! If you really exist, God, and aren’t a hoax, please help me! Help me find the answers!

Later…

I can’t believe it’s not even 11:00 yet. It feels like it’s 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning.

Today and tomorrow, when I’m most likely to ovulate (if I do), Tom will be too tired. He’s getting up at 4:00 and won’t be home till 5:00. Then we’ll be seeing Goldie and Al and by the time we get home, he’ll have been up for almost 18 hours. I used to believe Tom might try avoiding me at those times and still do. However, I also believe some kind of outer force is gonna see to it that we can’t get together during the times I may be ovulating. God really insists on keeping me childless, but why give me a guy who won’t cum and do all this shit? All He has to do is sterilize me. On the bright side - I’ll never have to worry about Tom winning our bet and having to go 24 hours without smoking.

I was shocked at who I saw at 8:30. First, though, when I first met Dean, I could’ve sworn he had blond hair and wore no glasses. For the last several months, the guy I’ve seen over there had brown hair and wore glasses. Was I wrong about his being a non-four-eyed blond? Did he change his appearance cuz of something wrong he did that he’s hiding from? Is it a different guy?

Anyway, at 8:30 I noticed the lights were on. I saw him in there, but the place was still empty. All I saw was what looked like a small shelf or table with some magazines or books on it. I didn’t see his van at all.

Holy shit. I dialed their number wrong the last time I called, thinking their number was disconnected. No wonder I saw Lenore on the phone. This means they either left it connected or moved somewhere else in Phoenix cuz their phone is connected. They have a regular answering machine. I’d say the phone goes next door cuz they hardly ever sleep, so I’d assume they could answer their phone anytime for the most part. If they moved out of state, maybe he stood here but is staying somewhere else to take care of selling the house. When the new kids, dogs and whatever adults get there, I’ll settle my curiosity and call info. By that time, they could tell me if they were still in Phoenix.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1995
I’m lying in bed now next to Tom who’s going back to sleep. I had woken him up cuz I saw a huge black bug of some kind in the kitchen.

OK, here are the bets, but the first one’s not all that far out or impossible. Tom wants to get under 200 pounds (he’s now 206) within a few months as a short-term goal. His long-term goal is to get to 175, so that’s about 35 pounds he wants to lose. He said if he loses, he’ll be my sex slave for a week, even if he’s tired. He hasn’t figured out what I’d owe him if he wins yet.

As for the bet, I’m 100% sure to win – well – I made my thing to do if I lose impossible for me cuz I know I can’t lose this one. If he loses what I’m about to tell you we bet on, I told him he owes me nothing. If he wins, I have to quit smoking for 24 hours. When I made this bet with him, I was astounded he went for it and agreed with it. I was almost certain he’d say no to it. I bet that he has to cum within 30 days and it’s got to be something I can see or feel, but be absolutely sure of. Can you believe he agreed to it?! It could be a good cover, though. He knows I know he wants me to stop smoking and he knows he owes me nothing if I win and I will win this one. The weight one, who knows?

Earlier I asked him, “If you knew you needed the closeness of sleeping together to cum (so he says), then how can you have assumed my being pregnant last spring when for all we knew back then, it’d be quite a while before we were sleeping together?” His answer was that he had no idea that not sleeping together would bother him so much. I fully believe him cuz neither did I. I always had wished there was a way we could’ve slept together, but it didn’t really start becoming such a big deal to me till a few months ago. I feel so much more normal now. Different is good, but different can also make you feel a bit weird and freaky. There have always been things unique about me that I was happy and comfortable with, as well as stuff that’s unique in what I feel is an uncomfortable way.

I still can’t believe my parents got me journals!

One of the 20 hair accessories they sent is a round gold thing for when you put your hair in a bun. It’s not easy to use when your hair is so thick and long, but I managed. The thing is like half a hollow circle with a pin-like thing you slip under the bun and through it. It’s a hard thing and style to describe, but it’s been around for eons.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 1995
Got the package from my parents today and am totally astounded at what they sent.

They sent me 20 black and blue pens. I’m writing with one of them right now, but it blots so badly that I’m gonna switch. I think I’ll use this Bic cuz it blots less, and I tend to write sloppy when I have so much to say. I write neater with these than I do with the Precise markers. They also sent a pack of 6 markers, watermelon seeds, a notepad, and a planner, which is great for the business.

They sent 20 different barrettes which are beautiful.

Now here’s the shocker - they sent 3 gorgeous journals! I can’t believe my parents sent me journals! I’d cherish them forever if they were ugly but they’re not. They’ll be numbers 99-101. I always hoped they’d send me journals cuz most of us always love it when our parents take some kind of part in the things we love to do. In the almost 8 years that I’ve been writing, they never asked or said a word about it. Throughout the years, I’ve picked out most of my journals, but when Tom, Andy, and now my parents have gotten me any, it makes it all the more special. I am so very touched and I told them this in my letter to them and thanked them like crazy.

Tom guesses that I’ll hit 100 this November. My guess is January of ‘96, but we’ll see. It’s cutting really close.

As for the Gloria fan club - the check hasn’t even been cashed yet.

I did what I said I was gonna do for that journal Andy brought me. It looks a million times better.

Today I sent Larry a letter. Tomorrow letters will go out to my parents, Kim, Tammy, and I’ll also send Sarah’s birthday card. Monday I’ll send Kim’s birthday card, Bob’s letter, and maybe one for Andy.

Goldie and Al are flying back on the 18th, so on the 16th, I’ll send their letter which they’ll get right around their arrival. I’ll P.S. it at the end and put: Al, what do you do with coffee?

Before I get to the outrageous bets Tom and I placed, let me get into a couple of outrageous nightmares I had.

In one of them, Tom got pissed at me for who knows what. I guess this happened at night and when I awoke in the dream he had already gone to work. Meanwhile, he had trashed and smashed the entire house.

In the other nightmare, we both decided we didn’t want Piggy anymore, but neither of us wanted to bother to find someone to take him. So, we threw him in the dumpster. A few days later I changed my mind and decided I wanted Piggyback. Tom said he was missing him, too. So, we went out to the dumpster and Tom peered in it. He then turned to me saying it was too late. Then, I peered inside the dumpster. Piggy was all covered with maggots. How gross!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1995
I told Tom of my current news as to finding Robin yesterday. He says he expected it to go this way and that this part of it had to be played out. He said there was no need to give up and that we can put a message on the Internet looking for anyone who may have been at that camp during that era. He still feels that if I don’t give up, and that if he bet money on it, we’ll get her name. Oh, I sure hope so! Right now I feel it’s a long way away if we do get a name.

Lenny K said not only could she have been a supervisor, but some kind of specialist. A specialist? What kind of specialist?

Later…

Tom just ate and is digesting.

Meanwhile, Andy brought two boxes of Cocoa Krispies, his tape for his messages, and that shirt and journal. The shirt is too big and too lacy. He can give it to Pam. The journal is ugly, but I can always get contact paper for it. It obviously belonged to an Arab guy who I’m sure will be happy to know that a Jew has it now. He wrote a few pages in the front which I tore out cuz their corners were ripped. They had several names of different colleges and universities. The last 3 or 4 pages, which I left in, had names and numbers that were out of state.

I just got an awesome idea for that ugly journal cover! I’m gonna draw up designs or whatever on paper, then attach it with clear contact paper. That’ll act as a protective coating since taping or gluing it on will be useless. Plus, the paper would rip in no time. I’ve got a couple of design ideas that I’ve been decorating envelopes with. On Larry’s envelope, I drew a musical note with an underwriter marker. Then inside of it with an overwriter, I wrote: Oh, no! Tammy called! I’m sure he’ll get quite a kick out of it. Sandy, too.

I had two really raunchy nightmares, but I’ll write about them later.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 1995
Oh, I’m so fucking frustrated now! No package or mail of any kind today. Of course, the mailman’s still delivering other people’s mail, too.

Anyway, Andy told me yesterday that he had a better vibe for if I called Lenny tomorrow. That’s what I was gonna do, but when he called me today, he said he had just as good of a vibe. Well, believe me, I would’ve gotten the same results on either day. He was right, though, when he said I’d get more than I expected. I didn’t expect another wild goose chase, that’s for sure.

I called Lenny with Andy on the phone. Lenny said his records only went back to 1980, but that I could call his predecessor. His name was Herbert K. He lives in Wellesley, MA. He said he left the camp in 1963 and that he’s not quite Lenny’s predecessor. After Herbert and before Lenny, there was an Al K, but I can’t find this guy who’s supposedly in the Newton, MA area. Maybe I should try seeing if the Jewish welfare board has records. He also gave me the name and number of a Ruth T in Framingham, MA. She registered all the kids. When I mentioned the name Robin, she threw the last name R at me which does ring some kind of a bell in my head. She mentioned something about this person attending the University of Nebraska. Also, something about this person’s house looking like a castle in Lyn, MA when she drove her home from the camp.

I could only find one R (a slightly different spelling, though) in Lyn, but the woman who answers says she’s not affiliated with the camp and knows nothing about it.

I went through all this bullshit all summer long just to get nowhere.

Later…

Tom will be home any minute now, so I’ll write till he gets here.

I was gonna try recording with the Melody Maestro but was totally stumped.

Tomorrow I’ll call Barbara and let her know I’m at a dead end again.

Tom just called. He’ll be home in half an hour. Andy will be over tonight or tomorrow night.

Why does R sound familiar? Why do I still sense her? It isn’t that often but last night and today I have. She’s basically said don’t give up and don’t worry about the new neighbors.

Is Robin, or whatever the hell her name is, just a joke? Is whoever it is just posing as Robin? Who is this? What do they want from me? Why do I have this feeling her last name really could be R? What do I do now? I never wanted to give up, but do I really have a choice? I wish we had one of those national phonebooks, but would that really do me any good?

When they first moved out next door, Andy and I both felt the new neighbors would be a nightmare. Well, I know they will be, but right now he’s clueless as to how they’ll be.

I can’t believe that remodeled 3-bedroom house is only going for $67,000. It’s been great, though, not having them over there. Well, I’ll just enjoy it while it lasts, cuz it’ll only be a matter of time before I’m dreaming, wanting, and fantasizing for these quiet peaceful days to return.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1995
I’ve been too busy, tired, and lazy to write much and I still am. Our visit with Goldie and Al was great.

I feel so much better now. Much more awake and my lungs are less tight. I ate, swam, and Tom whacked my back. It’s been kind of humid, so after being out for quite a while it caught up to me. Even Al’s allergies were bugging him. Also, I could afford to sleep for a good 10 hours or so the next time I fall asleep.

Sun City is absolutely gorgeous. I’d love to live out there. However, old people are the only ones in society who are allowed to live as they want without kids around and you must be 55 or 65 to live there.

Ruth was a very nice lady. Her house wasn’t too impressive, but very nice still. It’s still amazing to know that she lived here for 23 years and is returning to CT.

We had fruit and macaroni salad for lunch topped off with apple pie and ice cream for dessert.

Goldie told me an interesting thing about my mother. Well, as far as I always knew, Mom always hated to write. And when I was just a baby our family went to Florida. Goldie said she began to write a book all about it but never finished it. Wow. I’ll have to ask my mom about it, but I doubt she’ll say much about it, knowing her.

They also said Ma’s afraid of flying. Really? That’s news to me since I know she’s flown before. I think the main reason she won’t fly, whether it makes her uncomfortable or not, is cuz she couldn’t take her dogs that way. She could, but she’d never allow those dogs to be flown.

They also started to bring up the subject of wild parties about 40 years ago. Hmm… I wonder what that was all about? Al didn’t want it brought up, though.

Anyway, they were thrilled about my ear. I blocked my good ear and had Goldie say something. I heard her say I looked beautiful.

It was funny at one point when we were discussing Al’s allergies. First I suggested he put his face over a steaming pot of water and also told him coffee helps. Then he goes, “What do you do with coffee?”

“You drink it,” I said.

Everyone cracked up.

So, we were visiting for 2-3 hours, then we went to Walgreens where we got birthday cards for Kim and Sarah. Both their birthdays are on September 14th. Sarah will be 5 and I believe Kim will be 26.

We also got two pool noodles. Those long skinny Styrofoam-like things. We got a purple one and an orange one and they’re both about 5” long. We finished a roll of film with us playing with those as well as me doing my excellent pool handstands.

Tom put rubber rings around the screws that hold the ceiling fan’s light fixture, but it still makes this squeaking sound here and there, so he’s gonna investigate some more.

For $13 Tom got a CD with 1,000 disappointing fonts. There are only a few new ones I’ve never seen. The rest, we either have them or they’re rip-offs of other fonts. There are a few symbolic ones called harmony and dingbats and I went through and picked out and printed out some I like. There are musical notes, palm trees, stars, flowers, etc.

Andy and I have 3 things to swap with each other which we’ll probably do tomorrow night or the night after that. I have for him his message tape, that uncomfortable lace teddy, and some NPN envelopes. For me, he has that shirt, his new message tape, and that journal. He said the journal has dandelions on it.

I certainly didn’t buy this journal for its cover. I liked its quotes. The cover’s ugly, actually. The woman on it looks like a typical fat, plain-looking mom.

Later…

Last night Tom put a Band-Aid over his nose so I could see if he still snored. He did and I insisted there’s no cure for snoring and as long as we have the fan, it’s OK. He says he just needs to lose weight. I let him know he doesn’t have to, but he says he wants to and will be my sex slave for a week, even if he’s tired. I said that wasn’t good enough, he’s got to get off, too. He said OK. HA HA HA HA!!! This I’ve just gotta see!

This may shock you (it shocks me) and it may only be cuz this is how I want to feel and believe, but I’m starting to think he just may be getting closer to cumming after all. He says there’s no doubt in his mind, but for me, the real belief won’t “cum” till I see him cum.

Andy told me two strong feelings he had today.

Later…

Cool. Tom just showed me how to print out samples of each font. I’m gonna do that with my favorite ones.

So far, Andy was right on 1 of 2 predictions he’s made. He said I’d get no package today. He was right.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 1995
Kim had called so that’s why I ended up getting cut off yesterday.

Basically, my mom and I acknowledged that we each made mistakes, tried our best, and are appreciative of each other’s accomplishments.

Why not Valleyhead, though? She admitted Brattleboro was a mistake, but she never said anything about Valleyhead, which was a million times worse.

Kim’s going in for surgery on the 7th and will probably call me the night before. She may be a nurse, but she’s only human and will no doubt be quite anxious.

She’s also gonna call that night to see if I got anywhere with Lenny K. Oh, I hope! I can’t wait!

Kim said she did mail that secret admirer letter out, so Bob’s probably too shy and embarrassed to bring it up.

Yup, I’d say they’re definitely gone next door. I just hope and pray that we can have a month or two of peace before the new kids and dogs move in over there. I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if the peace is ruined by the new nightmare before I finish this book. I sure hope this is the book where I find out Robin’s full name. Then, if she’s dead or alive.

I finished typing journal 94.

Yesterday, when I talked to Andy, I sure was shocked to hear what he found for me in his apartment dumpster. A journal in perfect condition. He said a few pages were written in. That oughta be neat to check out.

He also found a thin sleeveless shirt that was pink with lace.

Later…

I’ve been busy doing various things, and Tom left for work an hour ago, so now I’ll write some more. Every so often they’re gonna ask Tom to work 2nd shift.

Now for some wonderful news. Goldie and Al called. They’re in Sun City and Goldie’s sister-in-law Ruth (Al’s sister) is selling her house and moving to W. Hartford. W. Hartford! Yuck! That’s no better than Springfield. They’ll be flying into Boston on the 18th of this month. Meanwhile, Tom was here, luckily, to take down directions on getting to the house on Monday at about noon.

That day I’ll also get birthday cards for Sarah and Kim. Also, glue for Ma’s puzzle cuz there’s no way I can flip it. It’s too big and the pieces are loose. They’re definitely not as snug as all the other ones I’ve done. I think I’ll go work on it now and enjoy the peace and quiet. No dogs. No vans.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 1995
I flushed the remainder of my Theodur down the toilet!

I was wrong. Those dogs are still there. I just heard them. I also heard the baby cry. Are they living in their trailer for now? But why would they do that, rather than stay in the house? And why disconnect the phone so early? I thought they were staying with someone else till they moved out of state. Or at the new house if they were staying in the area.

Last night they all drove in and I spied on them with the lights off from the window in the music room. I could see partly into the house. Their living room is a good size and it looks like it’s connected to their kitchen like the apartment I had on Bell Rd. was. I could see a few folding chairs, a radio, a plant, and that was it.

The weird thing was, though, I saw Lenore pick up what I think was a phone. She looked like she held it up to her ear for about 20 seconds, then she moved out of view with it. If she went to pick it up to see if it was disconnected, then why did it take her so long? It only takes 1 second. Not 20 or 30.

Tom just left for work and I’ve got the music cranked louder than I ever have before.

Now they have their trailer hitched to their van, and Tom says they’ll probably leave today. I wonder how well they can hear this music over all those screaming kids? If they can hear the words, then I’m sure they’ll really appreciate Sexy Motherfucker by Prince.

Later…

Holy shit. I just went out back to see if I could hear the music and I couldn’t. How weird. I mean, that music’s too loud even for me. I moved on out to the kitchen.

Today I’m gonna figure out the chords to the song The Sweetest Gift on the guitar, cuz I really love that song and want to record it. A couple of days ago we videotaped me singing Allison while he played keyboards and some of it was pretty good. There were a few notes that were pretty nasally, too. As a trained singer, certain things become so much a part of you that you can’t deprogram. Subconsciously, we breathe differently than those who don’t sing. Other things take serious focus and concentration, so when my mind wanders, or if anything sidetracks me, I get lazy and screw up some of my vowels.

This morning Tom sealed up the cats and the notes but when he went to seal up the notes some of them ran so I’ve got to color in a background.

Later…

I’ve got to clean my CDs. Some of them are really skipping. Soon I’ll call AOL now and see what mail is there.

I’m on the phone right now with Karson who’s not in a great mood. Right now I’m playing her a song she likes by KC and the Sunshine Band that I think sucks. After I get rid of her, I’ll write all about my phone conversation with my mother.

Later…

The van and trailer are gone now. Maybe all of them, their dogs, and stuff are gone. I can’t believe the house hasn’t sold yet, although Tom said the house was for sale for months before they moved in. I didn’t know that. Oh, it’d be so wonderful if no one was there for 4-6 months. Either way, though, whether the house sells now or in a few months, I must face and go through the inevitable, as I said before. There’s no avoiding it. It can be delayed, but not avoided. Oh, how I wish one of the 4 houses across the street with no dogs, no kids, or older kids all grown up could be plopped down next door and their house thrown across the street! I can dream, can’t I?

I had a great talk with my mother, but there’s one thing she said that’s got me contemplating lying to her and telling her I’m dancing. She said, “Get a little job, work with kids or at a hospital. Be a little more independent.”

She knows I am independent and that I have my share of responsibilities around the house, but since there’ll be no kid, I may as well make them a bit happier with a little lie and say I’m dancing part-time which I told her I was thinking about. It won’t hurt anyone.

Why is it that people think that those who are home with no kids are doing either nothing or not enough? Just cuz I don’t have a child doesn’t mean I can’t occupy my time well today, next week, next month, next year, and every year after that. It’s not always easy, though, and I have my moments of laziness and boredom, but I try. I try as hard as I can. Tom and I share our lives together and do things together, but aren’t each other’s parents. He can go to the racetracks or do whatever he wants and so can I cuz we know we’re #1 to each other and where our top priorities are. If he wanted to go out, but I was sick and needed him, I know all I’d have to do is ask him to please stay home and help me out and he would. The same goes for if he were sick. Meanwhile, we’re free agents with excellent judgment as to what to do and when to do it.

First Mom told me she sent out a package to us yesterday. She was teasing me by saying it was many bars of soap, toilet paper, and other non-edible stuff. Get it? She’s referring back to the days when I was broke. That’s the type of stuff they’d send me. If I don’t get the package tomorrow, I’ll probably get it Monday.

Naturally, I’m skeptical when she says that next summer is her target for coming out here, but nonetheless, she tells me she always thinks of me and has never stopped loving me.

Later…

I was talking with Andy, so I’ll finish with what my mom and I were talking about before I get into what Andy and I were talking about.

Mom said she realized the Brattleboro Retreat was wrong, but that she (cut off due to phone call).

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Last updated June 25, 2024