October 1995 in 1990s

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1995
Switched the EC from vent to cool. Tom just went to the racetrack. His parents won’t be there cuz his dad’s really sick, but David will more than likely be there.

This weekend has been going great. Just fantastic. Yesterday after we screwed, I was thinking, yup, that woman was right. I’ll never have a child if that means making him happy. That’s still OK with me, but still too bad in a way. I still do firmly believe this, but I’ve learned something new about Tom that was hard for me to not only learn but to do when we slept in separate rooms. He’s definitely not kidding when he told me that the best time for him to screw is when he first gets up. That way his body’s relaxed, yet revived. We screwed again this morning and if I said that he was faking being as close as he was, I’d definitely be lying. That was certainly no act on his part. I don’t know how I can tell, but I just can.

If only things can stay this good! Oh, I hope they do! I’m gonna do everything in my power to see that they do. Not only is the sex improving little by little, just when I didn’t think it was going to and the frequency of it is going up, but there’s something else that’s improved. He says he has me to thank for it.

I also called my mother who says she’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t think about smoking. I don’t know if that’s the truth, but I’m still so envious, cuz whether or not she thinks of it or not, she wouldn’t lie about it being just about a month that she hasn’t smoked. God, I wish I could do that!

Yesterday we checked AOL to see if there was an updated list of Norah’s movies. There was no additional information about her and we couldn’t find where to send any letters.

This morning Tom and I filmed me fingerspelling the alphabet for him to learn it.

Oh, I forgot to write about what he said he has me to thank for. Well, you know I’ve said that he says he’s gonna do all kinds of things that he just never gets around to doing or does them much much later than he said he would. Not lately. He’s really been making a move on things. He did some serious back room work and he cleared off my drawing table. I also didn’t think he was gonna get around to the fingerspelling so soon. He says that the reason why he has me to thank for it is cuz of the idea I had to try the Slim-Fast stuff. He’s been on it and he says it really makes him feel so much more motivated and energetic. Well, I’m glad he got the idea and I hope it continues to work for him.

Later…

I just watched Little House on the Prairie and before that, I made some fried chicken wings.

I know there’s something else we did yesterday that I’m forgetting to write about, but I can’t think of what it is.

Both my forearms are sore today from trimming the bushes that are right behind the clothesline. I don’t mind hanging clothes out and all and it gives me more to do. However, the bushes were overgrown and in the way before. Especially when I’d hang out sheets. Tom trimmed the bushes out front.

I don’t know if this is what I was forgetting to mention, but we discussed having a tag sale in 2 or 3 weeks. We’d sell mainly old ancient computer stuff. Plus, my old microwave.

Later…

Andy just said that it was definitely still over with Pam, although he’d have liked to have been able to work it out. Well, that happens, even though that’s life and there’s only so much he can do about it. I didn’t want the shit that happened to happen with Donna, Rosemarie, Ellie, that butch and Stacey over at the Vista Ventana, but shit happens. When people do shit to you, there’s only so much you can do on your part. The rest has to be up to them, cuz it takes two to be friends as well as lovers. I’m just very grateful that Tom and I can work out our differences and I know I won’t always feel bad about him not wanting a child. It may not appear to be so from what I’ve written, but it’s already beginning to get easier to deal with. I feel that I’m blessed enough and that most people will never have all I have. I may wish I could quit smoking, have a child and whatever else at times, but you win some and you lose some. Tom was right when he said all you can do is just try.

Later…

The trick-or-treaters are out there now. The sun’s just about completely set. We turned the front light off and locked the screen door. So, if anyone’s dumb enough to ring the bell or knock we’ll just ignore it.

Tom’s working on his computer next to me right now. He didn’t win at the tracks but had fun.

His dad’s in the hospital with pneumonia and will probably be there for a few days.

I just took a bath. Earlier Tom trimmed half an inch off my hair and in two months I’ll have him do that again.

In a couple of hours, I’ll be recording a couple of movies.

Andy said he was worried about his roommate Michelle. I guess she’s been very depressed. She’s mega fat and owes just over a grand in bills. However, her expenses are barely $300 a month, her father sends her $300 a month to help her out and she’s got a full-time job, so why she’s so miserable beats Andy. I just told him that it could be any number of things. Maybe she’s struggling with coming out. Andy says that in his heart of hearts, he feels she’s gay and how many 20-year-old virgins are there in today’s world?

He also had a dream that really impressed him since he’s always been rather wimpy. Well, in the dream, he, Michelle, and his friend Adam from Massachusetts who’s soon to be moving to San Diego in real life were walking down a street at night in his dream. They ended up going through a bad neighborhood infested with gangs, only they didn’t know it. A group of about 8 or 10 people came walking up to him and there were 2 leaders. A guy and a blond chick who looked like Madonna’s type. Michelle told them not to start shit with them cuz Andy would kick their asses. Well, Andy fought the chick and the guy and won. Michelle and Adam were thrilled saying they knew Andy could do it and Andy was shocked, but proud of himself as well as grateful.

They have this really good new gum flavor, cotton candy.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1995
Yesterday was a good day and today’s been good so far, too.

I still feel runny and itchy a bit, but I know it’s normal to have some itch. Even Tom gets itchy every now and then and puts hydrocortisone cream on. I guess it’s that time of the month when I’m supposed to run.

Anyway, I’ve been constipated yesterday and today, so my stomach’s been showing and feeling that.

I spoke to Kim who left a message last night. She said she’s doing OK, but she ended up having to have more surgery than originally planned and she did have to stay in the hospital for a few days. The doctor says she can still have kids, but I just don’t see it. She said if the problem comes back, she’ll have to have a hysterectomy and that could be in two weeks, or several years or never. She said she doesn’t think she’ll have any problems for several years and after she has kids, then she’ll probably have to get a hysterectomy.

She also said she finally told her mother about the babysitter that molested her when she was 6 or 7. Her mother was very supportive, so that’s good. She could’ve been in denial and tried to tell Kim that it never could’ve or did happen at all. She said she had a feeling since it happened that something did happen, but she couldn’t remember what or who or how till right before she met me when she was 21. I was the first one she told. I guess repressed memory is for real after all. I was wondering about that idea. She also says that she has a feeling that something happened with a distant family member when she was 11, but can’t remember right now. She feels that she’ll be able to remember it in time.

Anyway, she’s just taking it easy. She’s to be out of work for 3 weeks and is cranking out tons of letters.

She and Doug are still doing well and she says she knows she’ll end up marrying him. They haven’t set a date yet.

Tom and I did some work on the back room earlier. He did some work in the little room and I sorted the file box.

Like I said, he went down on me yesterday, then later we screwed. He proved to me all the more that screwing was never intended to be just for him or for us. It was supposed to be for him cuz I had been taken care of and I said he could go at his own pace, I still enjoy it and it was his turn. Sure enough, I had a hard time getting him hard with my hand, then when I got him hard enough and he went in there he wasn’t into it at all. He wasn’t in there very long at all. He insisted that it’s just that he “likes variety.” Sometimes he likes it short, sometimes he likes it long. Yeah, right. How much do you want to bet that if I was so horny and was gonna take care of myself while he was in there, there’d have been no problem getting him hard if it was for me? Then right after I’d cum he’d pull out. I never thought I’d meet anyone more scared than I am to have a kid.

That’s all for now. I think I’ll break for a cigarette, then I’ll write more later.

Later…

Tom finally got my drawing table cleared off so I washed that down and set it up nicely.

I just made pork chops and baked potatoes and now I’m waiting for the mail.

Earlier we changed Piggy’s cage and yesterday we agreed that today we’d do some research on Norah and see how I can find out about her and maybe even send a letter. I don’t know if he’s still gonna be up to that, though. If I do send a letter, that’ll be the first letter I’ve sent a celebrity in years. I sent Linda two letters years ago when I was in my teens but I never heard from her. I did hear from Kim Basinger and Nicolette Larson, though. Those are the only people I ever sent letters to. Why I sent anything to Kim Basinger beats me. I was never attracted to her and I never was a fan of her movies. I wasn’t attracted to Nicolette either, although I have one album of hers that I always loved, and I loved the long hair she used to have. She was one of those singers who was here today and gone tomorrow.

I never sent anything to Gloria and I never would. She’s too big of a star and I’d never hear anything from her. Stars that big don’t even hear about their fan letters, let alone read them. I’ll bet that the only time they hear about them is if there’s something different, weird or threatening about them.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1995
I got up about an hour ago and Tom was still up. He’s been up for 24 hours. He said it’s good for him to break up the monotony and do that every now and then. The thing I envy about the guy is that he can throw himself back on track for work or whatever he needs to whenever he wants to. I wish I could do that. This would throw my whole schedule off for God knows how long if I had to maintain his schedule.

Anyway, there’s not much to report at this time. Just that Andy’s having a hard time with Pam who he’s been friends with for around two years. He was friends with her and her husband. He met them at his old complex over in Glendale and they still live there. Apparently, after having a good honest friendship with Pam and John, Pam scammed Andy by giving him shitty pot. She supposedly swapped bags and he ended up out $5 and with shitty weed. So, he told her that the money wasn’t the principal of the point, it was her intentionally lying to him.

He’s the opposite of me. When I’m pissed or upset with someone, I like to get it off my chest ASAP and confront the source, or else it’ll eat and eat at me. He likes to wait at least 48 hours so he can cool down and not say mean, hurtful things. So, he wrote his feelings to her in a letter without any threats, saying he knew what she did, it was wrong, but that they hoped they could work it out after such a good friendship. Well, she didn’t want to work it out. She left about 10 threatening messages on his machine and even went to his boss at work with a copy of the letter trying to get him fired for doing drugs. His boss, though, said that whatever Andy does out of work is his business and that he’s not gonna be fired.

Andy also said, thanks, but he won’t be needing that check.

Later…

Tom went to take a 4-hour nap which will be over within an hour.

Yesterday he said that if he was a smoker like I was who had tried to quit several times and didn’t succeed, it’d make him more determined to quit. I wish I had that attitude, but instead, it makes me want to give up more. I asked him if that meant that he was all the more determined to have a kid and he said yes. Yeah, right!

Meanwhile, I just did a big load of laundry which is now out on the line to dry. After I wake Tom up I’ll do the sheets and hang those out, too.

I finished typing the letter I had begun to my parents 3 days ago and I also did one for Kim, Bob and Tammy.

After Tom gets up he’s gonna go to the store and pick up some groceries. Will we have sex? That’s doubtful.

Their clocks went back in the east so they’re now 2 hours ahead instead of 3.

Later…

Tom just showed me something really cool that you can do with the CDs you play. Not only can I play them in random order, but I can select the tracks I want. That way I won’t be surprised by the shitty songs.

I tried to go as long as I could without smoking. I only went for 4 hours. Wowee, huh? Tom said that at least I tried. Anyway, the day’s been going OK. Tom even went down on me and we’ll probably screw later.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1995
I should’ve fucking known better! Why the fuck did I have to go and tell Tom? Why? I ruined everything. I thought maybe, just maybe he’d understand. Instead, I did a really horrible thing, I broke our agreement which is off, he says, and also that there is no “us” right now even though we both gave our word that we would be married for life, not to mention all the other mean and untrue things he said.

I made the phone call cuz I felt like I was gonna freak and maybe do something stupid. All I wanted was someone to talk to and to calm down. I didn’t want to call him at work or involve Andy, Tammy or anyone else that we know. All I wanted was someone’s opinion, yet he says I’m lying to myself over the reasons why I called and he can’t trust me and I’ve lost a big part of him.

Over a phone call? Over a stupid phone call that I really wish to hell I never made, we have to throw it all away? The agreement and God knows what else? I know he’s doing this to punish me.

He said part of our agreement was to not talk to anyone till April of ‘97 if we had no luck on our own. I knew that but I didn’t know that meant not talking to someone at a medical info line. I didn’t set up a doctor’s appointment. He tells me that he doesn’t get his way, yet if I step out of line, it’s over and he has to dwell on it for days. Can’t he say to himself, “She didn’t mean to hurt me, made an honest mistake that she says she won’t make again, but we can just move on?”

He tells me to move forward after a bad day or thing has occurred and not to throw things away if I’ve made a mistake, but yet we can’t continue with our agreement. We have to come up with a whole new agreement which is so stupid and unnecessary. Knowing him he’ll make it April of ‘98 to punish me, even though he insists he wouldn’t punish me, doesn’t want to blame anyone, etc. Well, I sure feel blamed. Right now I feel like everything’s my fault and I fucked up this marriage even though I’d never try to. Can you imagine if I were to deliberately try to fuck up this marriage? I wouldn’t have to try hard at all now, would I?

What hurtful untrue things did he say? Well, according to him he makes 90% of his meals which is really more like 40% - 50%. And he says that I do for me and he does for us. Then why do I constantly ask if he needs anything or would like me to do anything? Why do I cook for him? Why do I do the grocery list? Why do I clean the house? The house that he also lives in. Why did I do the signing stuff? Why did I do a lot of things that I could go on and on with? Who does he think he’s kidding?

Not surprisingly at all (probably cuz this woman was right) he said this woman I spoke to was a quack for telling me what she thought of the situation without knowing all the facts. I told him she did say that she’s no expert in the matter, doesn’t know all there is to know about us and can only offer her theories about the matter. He said the reason why he was afraid of my going to a counselor is cuz he’s afraid they’ll want to drug me up and that’ll shatter my life after I’ve made so much progress. But this makes no sense! Why would they want to drug me up?

He says I believe authority figures. Well, let me set the record straight - if there’s anyone I don’t trust it is authority figures, and if a doctor suggested meds to me, I’d just walk out of their office. Not go off the deep end.

It’s not that I ever wanted to see a counselor and thought that that would necessarily be the answer to our problems cuz I believe that only we can work this out and that if we can’t, a therapist isn’t gonna do it. A medical doctor would do it. One that can get his sperm into me somehow, but trust me on this one, never before have I felt this turned off by this man in almost every way you can imagine. I don’t want to have sex with him, I don’t want to be a singer, I don’t want to have a kid. I don’t want to do anything but stay just the way I am. I may as well have his attitude and say hey, I made a mistake singing yesterday, so fuck it. I’ll just throw it away. I don’t want to do anything with him right now and I really think I’ll be feeling that way for a long time. I don’t even want to sit in the same room with the guy right now. According to him, I’m mean, selfish, unloving and on and on. Well, I have no desire to get close to or do anything with someone that says this. How dare he say I lie to myself while he lies to my face with such comments like “I do for me and he does for us.”

Never before have I been so determined to keep my mouth shut when the tiniest thing is bothering me. It’s worth exploding over by keeping it bottled up. I’ll never call no medical info line, I’ll never call no crisis center and I’ll certainly never talk to him. I really feel like he’s treating me like I killed someone. I may as well have done just that!

Meanwhile, he says that nothing he feels has changed with him. That’s funny that he could say that after saying our agreement’s off. That really makes me feel that he just may be telling the truth about wanting a kid. What it really tells me is that he’s told me the truth and has confessed to me that my doubts about him were true.

I just hope he goes out today and stays far the hell away from me. Even if he woke up and told me he jumped the gun and that we should move forward and forget what was an honest mistake on my part - no way! And personally? I don’t feel that phone call was a mistake. I feel it was a mistake to tell him about it. That’s for damn sure. Meanwhile, I had a right to seek information and opinions. I didn’t publish my fears, doubts and questions in a newspaper. I called a medical nurse.

Later…

I just listened to music for a little bit, but my stomach’s really bothering me. I can’t seem to #2 right now, even though I feel like I need to.

He just got up, I don’t feel like talking and am still pretty tired. I think I’ll go lie down.

Later…

Mr. Can’t Do No Wrong is up now. Now here’s a classic example of doing for oneself, but not for both of us. He told me a few days ago that he was gonna go on the Slim-Fast diet today. He did. It’s funny, though, how he can stick to that. That’s more important than our agreement.

This morning he asked if he could get me anything and if I wasn’t going to talk to him. I just told him that there was nothing to say. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk about anything.

Later…

Tom just left to go do that electrical work for Evelyn. He told me that he canceled his work tomorrow with Eldon, but didn’t mention the 5th. All he mentioned was having to call him back. He tried this morning, but couldn’t get ahold of him.

Anyway, we did end up talking some more cuz I know that’s what he wanted. I’ll still always end up regretting it and wishing I’d kept my mouth shut.

He still sees me as selfish, spoiled and that what I did yesterday was wrong and breaking our agreement. I see it as trying to help us and what’s wrong with a couple trying to get help sooner than later? I wasn’t making an appointment to see a doctor. Yes, he insists that what I did was as good as doing that cuz I was trying to help us sooner. What’s wrong with trying to help us sooner to ensure that all the more we wouldn’t have to go to a doctor? I can’t help the way I feel about it and he said I have a right to feel the way I feel about it. Yet, in the next breath, he said the problem was that I still believed that what I did was OK. I swear I’ll never do another thing to try to help us. He still insists that he wants a kid, that we could’ve had one by now and that we will, but I really think this is his way of letting me know that I was right about suspecting that he didn’t want one and to him, this is a way out of it.

There’s always no opportunity for him. There’s always an excuse for him. This is what I get for praying? Yesterday after I spoke to the woman, I was still crying and I finally got up the nerve to pray after the OJ verdict for God to help us. Instead, the situation only gets worse. He says I blame God for a lot of shit and don’t take responsibility for my own actions. But I do believe God plays a part in a lot of the things in our lives, and I do take responsibility for my own actions. I never blamed anyone for the prank phone calls I’ve made whether or not the person I was calling shit on me or if they were total strangers. I picked up that phone all by myself and I never denied that or stuff I’ve chosen to do by myself whether they were right or wrong.

He says that neither of us should put time frames on stuff and that that’s wrong. Then why is it OK to put the September of ‘96 timeframe on when I’d have a CD out? What’s the difference?

It gets more bizarre. He told me he didn’t like our April of ‘97 agreement. Then why did he make it? I’m so sick of him denying things he says or him going back on his word. He said it was a compromise and that he felt it was the only thing we could do to get what we want. To get what we want, he can just cum, you know. That’d help, but can you understand how I no longer want a child with him? I told him I’d still have one if he ever decides he really wants that and is willing to put his actions where his mouth is, cuz I want to make him happy and the only way he seems to be happy, is if I do what he wants. I thank God that he’ll never cum no matter what I do or don’t say, I will not have a child with this man and I will not step foot into a doctor’s office even if he were to get down on his knees and beg me. We have enough to fight about as it is. There’s no way I’ll involve a child in it or live with the fears I’ll have about it if we did have a child. I refuse to give this man a child. He can have anything else he wants from me, but no child! I refuse to do anything to help us or discuss it, cuz it’ll only start fights.

He says I take fits cuz I can’t get what I want. He’s the one standing in the way of what I want. He took and ruined my dreams of having a child. I can’t see anything changing my mind about it now. Not at this point. He can play this game and lie to me all he wants about it. He tells me that my doubts and paranoias about him are all in my head. Are they? He could’ve fooled me. He has the nerve to say that my refusing to have a child is taking his desire to have a child away while I’ve told him that that’s what I want and he says he wants it too, then he doesn’t deliver. I feel that I’ve done all I can do to help us both and there’s nothing more I can do. I can’t make him cum or force him to give us a child.

He says he thought our sex life was getting better. He could’ve fooled me on that one, too.

I do want to follow through with the singing and the business but am afraid he’ll back out of it. I just can’t buy one thing he says to me. Not about the business, not about the singing, or the back room, or the bee machine, or the cigarette machine, and certainly not the kid. He just has too many goddamn mother-fucking excuses!

From now on, I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut, forget about my dreams and just go along with whatever he does. I’m tired of him never doing what he says he’s gonna do. I’m tired of him denying things I know he did say. I’m tired of him going back on his word and contradicting me. He swears this isn’t my fault, yet he may as well come out and tell me that everything is my fault. Sometimes I think that I’m nothing but a fuck-up and I’m the one that’s ruining this marriage, other times I think it’s him. Well, it’s getting more and more obvious that he’s been full of shit about the things he said he or we were gonna do. I’m completely powerless. He has all the power and control.

Later…

I just got done watching the bulk of a movie, then I’ll be taping another one. The liar will be home around noon. I think I’ll go work on 99 now.

Later…

Tom came home a couple of hours ago and said that since he’s had a chance to calm down he’d really like to continue on with making the marriage work as well as our dreams. I agree that I’d like the marriage to work, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I feel that the dreams are in his hands and up to him.

Anyway, we’re both feeling a bit better and now I’ll go do some more work on 99 till he returns from picking up what he’s picking up for himself at Arby’s and for me at KFC.

It’s funny, though, cuz just the other day I wanted to type but couldn’t think of anything to really say. I guess that’s all changed between today and yesterday. One more thing before I go. I asked Tom why it’s OK to have a time frame set for the CD which is September of ‘97, not ‘96. I made a mistake on the year. He said that it’s OK to put time frames on certain things and other things it’s not good to do that cuz it puts pressure on him. Everyone’s different as to what is a good thing to put a time frame on and what isn’t. I’ll just go along with what he wants time frames on and what he doesn’t, cuz I feel that that’s pretty much the only way it can be. He also told me what the difference between a goal and a deadline was in his opinion.

I still say that the bottom line is that I feel that in order to stay with this man that I love for the rest of my life, that does mean never having a kid. I’m not saying he’s not worth it, I’m just saying I’ll always feel he was full of shit about having a kid till the day I die.

He also insisted that I refuse to be proven wrong as far as how I say we can’t ever have a kid for whatever reason or reasons. I think he’s using that as an excuse to cover for his never intending to cum. Among other excuses, too.

Later…

Tom just showed me a couple of really cool things on the computer. He showed me how to get back one keystroke or one click of the mouse that you deleted. I wish I had known that today when I accidentally hit the enter key on one of the page numbers. It caused the computer to crash when I did that, but luckily I didn’t save it that way and after I re-booted my stuff came up just the way it was supposed to be. Before it was mixed up.

Also, I was wrong in saying that Tom never touches those magazine articles I typed up for him. He says he doesn’t use them a lot but he does here and there and he did today to show me how to index some stuff and how the hidden text thing works.

It’s so cool how you can hide stuff within a document. For example, if I’m typing a story, I can leave notes to myself and mark them hidden. Then if I want to check my notes, I can display any hidden text.

Right now he’s working on the TV descrambler.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1995
Boy, did I get the surprise of my life last night. Tom really did wake me up. We didn’t screw, though, and all he did was touch me, but I really thought he was joking. He said that this was a start. He said he had been afraid that if he woke me up I’d get mad. But I only would if he did it constantly or when I was tired and he knows this.

He saved a message from Eldon that I think he only saved hoping I’d hear it. He already has his number written down, so why else would he save it but for what I’m about to write about? Eldon had to cancel their get-together this Sunday and make it next Sunday which is the 5th. He thinks that I’m mid-cycle on the 5th, and I’ve been saying that I think something’s trying to get in our way (besides himself for not cumming). So, I think this is his way of rubbing it in and teasing me with the subject. There are two reasons why I think he won’t cum at the times of the month that it’s very unlikely to conceive. One is cuz there’s still a very slight chance. Two is cuz then it’d look more obvious that he was trying to avoid my getting pregnant.

Anyway, he told me to wake him up at 5 which is in 10 minutes. Then he’ll bang himself hard till he conks out or gets a cramp or whatever the chosen excuse will be for this morning. He can’t go down on me till at least after work. The last of the crotch cream is still making its way out.

I hope Kim’s doing OK. She’s probably on her way out of the hospital at this time since it’s 8:00 there. I can’t see her able to drive herself home from her mother’s, though. She said this operation would have more pain involved than the last and the last time she said she couldn’t move from her mother’s place for a couple of days.

Well, it’s nice to know that instead of going out to the mall with a phony, controlling backstabber (Jenny), then back to a cold, snowy dive as I was on this day 8 years ago, I can have sex and enjoy doing the things I do in a house where it’s safe and the weather’s gorgeous. It’s not gonna be gorgeous, though, for a few more hours.

Karson hasn’t called after those two times she called, so that’s good.

Today I’m gonna vacuum and do the bathroom, but right now it’s time to get off and get him hard!

Later…

Well, I did just what I said I was gonna do. I got him hard, but I didn’t get off. He was just so hard that I couldn’t reach enough of my clit. He was hard instantly. Of course, he isn’t gonna cum with the way he goes about screwing. He speeds up a bit then right as he’s about to go over the edge he stops for about 30 seconds and does this over and over. We screwed on his hard bed which I wasn’t sure if I could ever do, but we both like it better on the waterbed. Then he went to the bathroom which is where he probably got his relief.

He said swapping Andy a check for cash would be no problem if he needs it. Andy says he doubts he’ll need it, but will let me know by Sunday. He’ll have to have it post-dated for the 6th if he does and his appointment is on the 30th. He’s gonna get his gums scaled and they want the first half up front which is $140.

I probably won’t be having my teeth done till next year and I hope to hell they hold out till then. So far, so good and that upper right wisdom tooth hasn’t been bothering me.

I just asked Tom if he wanted me to make his second sandwich and he insisted he’ll make it. I wonder why? Probably so he cannot close the breadboard all the way. He knows that gets on my nerves. I like cabinets, drawers, etc., shut tight. It looks better that way. But, like I’ve said before, he likes for me to tidy up after him.

I might start another story today. I don’t know. I have to be in the right mood and frame of mind for that.

I called AOL but had no messages from Alex.

Andy said that Michelle said that that’s very normal to have to wait this long for Gloria’s fan club stuff. She’s waited 2-4 years for different fan clubs herself and hasn’t always gotten everything they were supposed to send her. It’s been over a year now if I remember correctly. I’m just curious to see what they’re gonna send. Maybe I’ll know in another year.

Before I go listen to music, what was Tom’s excuse this morning? Just that he had to hurry up and get his day started. It’s just now 6:00 and he doesn’t have to leave till 7:30. This game of his is getting really old. Sometimes I just want to come out and say, “No sex if you’re not gonna do it right.” This is really getting to be quite insulting as used to it as I am and as much as I know that this is how it’ll always be.

Later…

Tom shut the breadboard, so I guess he just wanted to move around more to wake himself up more and that’s why he made his sandwich. Anyway, he’s in the shower now.

I mentioned how we’ll have Saturday and Monday together, and he said yes, we will, and all the time in between. I thought he was then gonna come out and say that he wasn’t doing Eldon’s computer work till the 5th, but he didn’t. I guess he must’ve talked to Eldon and they kept it for this Sunday.

At this time 8 years ago Jenny came over to make us that toast and coffee. I can remember the feeling too, of how I felt so groggy from all the medication I was on. I was on a high dose of Navane still at that time.

I’m calling the weather line now to see what they have to say. The current temperature is 54º. It’s to be in the upper 80s for the next two days, they say.

Time to go feed the birds as I’m sure they’re waiting upon the electrical lines for their birdseed.

Later…

Same routine. They were up on the lines and as soon as I came back in after putting their food out, they dove for it. About 60 birds are going at it out there.

Later…

All the food is gone and so are the birds. However, they hang out there on and off all day looking for seeds that have fallen to the ground from trees.

I am so very, very upset now. Perhaps I’m more upset and confused than I ever have been before. I’m so overwhelmed with things to write about now, that I’m not sure where to begin. I’ll begin at the beginning, I guess, and try to remember everything I want to say. They say that if something’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t. Well, now I fear that my husband who’s what most women dream of may be lying all the more about not wanting a kid.

First of all, why did he tell me that therapy sessions cost hundreds of dollars unless you’re on medication? I called and asked them and they said it’s a $10 co-payment just like regular doctor’s visits.

Anyway, I called and ask a nurse again to see if I’d get a different nurse and to see what their theory was about our sex life. It was a different nurse, alright, and I certainly didn’t want to hear what she had to say about it, but I had to hear it at the same time.

Now I just don’t know who to believe anymore. My husband or this professional who says she’s been through it herself.

Let me tell you what she told me she went through first. She said she was with a guy who she thought would never lie to her and who was great all around. He said he wanted a kid just like she did. Not only couldn’t he get off, but he couldn’t get hard, either. Finally, he let go once, she got pregnant and he split.

Now how do you suppose this is supposed to make me feel, even though this might not happen to all of us? It happens to most women and she too, never thought he’d leave any more than I think Tom would leave if I were pregnant.

She told me all her theories about it which are just what I’ve wondered about. When I asked her if I could be right since I’ve had this nagging feeling about him not wanting a child, she said that they say those gut instincts are usually correct.

She said that he could knowingly not want a child, but is saying he does cuz he knows it’s what I want.

When I think back on it I remember how he told me up front he really was doubtful of wanting a child. Then the more he could see that I wanted one, he began to go along with it.

Maybe he’s tried and is trying in his own subtle little ways to tell me he doesn’t want one cuz he doesn’t have the heart to tell me bluntly, even though he swears he would and that’s what I would need and want him to do.

But when I think back on comments he’s made like, “What are you gonna do? Go out and cheat on me?” after I said I was gonna do all I could do to get us that child we say we want. And, “All that’s standing in the way of going back east is money.” Like he knows I won’t be pregnant. And when I’ve confronted him with such comments he either insists I misunderstood him or doesn’t remember saying whatever.

She also said that there could be other factors he’s thinking like, would I be a good father? Can we afford it?

I know he doesn’t like anything to get in the way of our time together.

She also said he could have a subconscious fear or stress about it that even he isn’t aware of.

I told her that I’m trying my best to not pressure him about it and she said she felt that while she could understand that, at the same time that shouldn’t interfere with a guy functioning sexually unless they do have a fear that they either know or don’t know about.

What she says makes sense, but I just don’t know who to believe. I want to believe my husband, but it’s getting harder to do.

She too, can’t understand how he can be happy with our sex life the way it is and believes he’s probably relieving himself in the bathroom or wherever.

She told me, “I don’t know him, I can’t see into his eyes or hear his voice or know everything about you two, but I don’t think this will go away on its own, although I hope I’m wrong.”

When I told her about our agreement for April of ‘97 she asked how can he know that everything will be OK by then? I told her he said he wouldn’t bet his life on anything but feels that things are getting better and that anytime from now till then, we should be able to have a kid ourselves with no problems. She said she thought that due to it being more than likely to not go away on its own that we should see a counselor, or even just me by myself if he won’t go. She thinks that that can very well help us to enable ourselves to have a kid on our own even better.

She told me she didn’t think the problem was me and asked me if I thought the problem was me. I told her sometimes I think that, but mostly I think it’s his fear that’s the problem.

I believe that therapy could help us both too, and that if it didn’t it couldn’t hurt, but I’m so afraid to bring it up to him. I really don’t think a kid is worth his taking the time out to go to a therapist and I really think it’s more important to spare his embarrassment, rather than to get help having a kid. At least that’s what I think he feels. How can I let him know that I just want to do all I can to help us? How can I let him know that I just want to do all I can to help us get the things we want? How can I let him know this without him feeling I’m trying to attack him or fight with him? How do I tell him it’s OK to see a therapist and do the things that I suggest will help us as well as the things he suggests will help us? How do I tell him he doesn’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed to talk to a professional who just wants to help us too, if that’s how he truly feels?

She said that if I don’t do anything about it and it doesn’t get better, then I’ll never have a child and I’ll be giving up something that I want to make him happy. But I want to make him happy. I don’t want to force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I’d rather spend my life with him with no kid, than with someone else with a kid, but how do we find a way to compromise?

We both say we want a kid and that now’s a good time, so why don’t we start doing whatever it’ll take now? Why must we wait? Why can’t we go to a therapist to achieve one of two things: either him being able to admit he doesn’t want one or us taking action towards having a kid if it’s what we both want?

Why must we wait or stall and why do I have a feeling that in April of ‘97 if things do stay the same as I fear, yet believe they will that he’ll do all he can to stall or avoid the doctors?

How do I know he isn’t truly playing with my head on just this issue and having a blast doing it? How do I know that something bad or hurtful didn’t happen in his past? What if he had a kid with someone else? He does seem to know an awful lot about kids. Can he really learn all this just by what others say? I suppose he can, but I just want to know who to believe! Can anyone help us? Please, God, I don’t want to go on like this, but I don’t want to lose my husband either.

What do I do?

He said if I took the injection he’d feel spited, yet I feel spited by this. I just need to know the truth, no matter what it is. I need to know he’ll do all he can do to help us and I want to do all I can do to help us.

I want to believe in him and trust him with this as I do with everything else he tells me.

And by the way, this nurse says the opposite of that injection. She says some women have very heavy and irregular periods with it. Forget it.

I just don’t know what to do. I know that if I hold it in, it’ll keep the peace between us, but it may not ever help us to not deal with it and face it and get help with it. Especially if he has a fear he won’t confess to and all the more especially if he’s got something going on psychologically that he’s unaware of. I just want to help him. I just want to help us. How can I let him lovingly know this? I don’t want to hurt, change or fight with him. I just want this problem resolved. Not in a year and a half or 2 or 5 or 10, but now. We’ve lived like this long enough and I would want it resolved even if we both admitted to never wanting a child, cuz I love my husband and I care about us both enough to want us to have a normal and happy life in and out of bed.

I still can’t think of the best thing to do. A part of me wants to just try to forget it and never bring it up again. Not even if he doesn’t bring up going to see a doctor when April of ‘97 comes. The other part of me wants to say to him, “Hey, look. I love you and this is why I’m doing this. I just want to help us and I’m sorry if that gets you upset in any way or if you think I’m trying to pick on you.”

Sometimes I feel like we both don’t believe each other.

There is another thing that I didn’t mention that could possibly be going through Tom’s head whether he knows it or not that he could fear. I really doubt he’s worried he’d be a good father. I know he’d be a good father and I asked him if he thought he would be and he said yes. Perhaps he fears that I’d be a bad mother, but doesn’t want to admit that to me. Or maybe it’s nagging at his subconscious.

Anyway, I feel trapped with this just like I do with the cigarettes. I have different ideas that go through my head to try to achieve my goals or help us achieve something we want, only to fail at whatever I try or to be unable to do what ideas I have.

Why is it that my life has been full of one long-term issue after another to have to deal with? Why do I always have to be facing situations that are unusual or that just have me feeling so helpless? I feel like I’ve got a million different choices I could make and I just don’t know where to turn.

Tom said he wants to do more of what he wants and that he feels controlled. Well, I feel like I should be doing more of what he wants, to hell with my needs, wants and desires and I feel controlled, too. I feel like I have to sacrifice something I want very much to make him happy. If that’s what I must do, I can and will do it, but I’d need to know this. I’m tired of wondering, guessing and being suspicious. I don’t want my head played with. I don’t want to be hurt and I certainly don’t want to hurt Tom or play with his head.

In a way I wish I never called this woman cuz I fear so much that she could be right. I hope she’s not, but I can’t help what my gut’s been telling me and my gut’s been pretty accurate when it comes to the more serious or personal issues that this is what makes it all the scarier.

Should I forget all about it, assume Tom doesn’t want a kid by what his actions have shown and insist we use rubbers?

Or should I insist that we do all we can do to help us ASAP? Even if it does mean both of us or one of us (believe me I prefer it to a team thing, though) going to someone and spilling it out to them? Like I said before, if it doesn’t help us, how can it hurt us? I guess that the worst that could happen is that one or both of us don’t like or agree with what the counselor could say. Or we could both like and agree with what they could say, but it doesn’t help us at all. Would seeing a counselor really help to ensure that we could have a child on our own without going to see a doctor?

I’m so afraid to bring this up with Tom. To him, his weekend will be ruined if I do. Why does he have to see it that way, though? I thought that it’s natural for two people who want the same thing to discuss stuff like this and talk about doing whatever it took and talk about the things they like or are interested in all they want. I mention the singing to him constantly and it doesn’t bother him. We’ve discussed all kinds of things that the two of us could do to try to make the business take off as well as to get me known as the singer I’ve always wanted to be and it’s never seemed to upset him in any way. I swear I could talk about the singing triple the amount of time I talk about the kid and it wouldn’t upset him. If I ask him if there’s something he could please do to help with the singing, he does it. He puts his actions where his mouth is. What’s the difference? He knows they both mean a lot to me. He’s always told me that my being happy is very important to him and I want so very much to believe that.

Should I ask him to try praying with me? I just hope that some kind of help comes to resolve this real soon cuz I’m stuck!!

Later…

At this point and for the rest of the day, I’m just taking it easy. I cried in between typing the pages about the shit that’s going on so I do feel a bit better even though the problem won’t go away. I guess there’s no real point in talking to Tom. I can’t get him to budge on this subject and it makes me ask myself, do I really want a child for a whole different reason? Do I want to make this guy do something he very, very very obviously doesn’t want to do? No. Do I want to have a child and have him say how much he’s looking forward to it just to leave me? No. People are full of surprises and it’s a chance I’d rather not take, regardless of how slim it may be, so there’s no point in talking to him or my doing anything so we can have a baby.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1995
Speaking of Sarah herself, I got a letter from her yesterday. A 4-page letter. She said she’ll write more soon enough. It was good to hear from her. She says she’s still hitting it off with this guy Tim and that my artwork was great. She also says she’s gonna be sending me a picture of her soon. I just typed her a 2½-page letter which I’ll mail out today.

Also, I got to talk to Kim a half-hour ago who’s leaving for Boston at 9:30 her time and is supposed to be under for surgery at 1 PM her time. The operation’s supposed to last an hour to an hour and a half. She’s to leave the hospital tomorrow morning. She says this one’s supposed to be more painful. That sucks. The last one was painful enough from what she described to me.

Karson called Andy too, but he’s gonna ignore her too.

Later…

I just got done listening to music and in half an hour I’ll be waking Tom up if he isn’t up before that.

That’s all that’s going on at the moment, so I’ll go and work some more on 99.

Later…

I just got Tom up and he’s now eating the spag I made yesterday.

He’s insisting that it’s not cold in here, but yes, it is. He fired up the back room wall heater.

He said he was bummed that he had to go do some electrical work for Evelyn this Saturday cuz that’s supposed to be our day. He says he doesn’t like anything getting in the way of our time. That’s part of God’s plan, I reminded him, and that tells me that I was right on one of the many reasons I thought he could have for not wanting a kid. That kid would certainly get in the way of our time. Believe me, though, I don’t like that idea, either. I asked him why he didn’t say no, and he said it’s cuz we need the money even though it’s only gonna be about $10 and it’ll only take an hour.

I asked him again if he’s sure he doesn’t want me to work this winter. Money will be tight till the end of the year and he said no cuz we’ve got plans to sell programs and get me singing. Let’s hope so. I do not want a child this broke and I told him so. He says it’ll only be for a few months and that a kid takes 9 months to arrive, but you know where I stand with that. I know love is more important, but I still want us to be able to support it properly.

Oh, my God, I do not believe it. Tom just said that I should try not to be up when he gets home. Then after I’ve slept a few hours and he’s eaten and digested his food, he’ll wake me up for fun. That’d be cool, then all I have to do is hope I get to bed soon after so my schedule is not fouled up for the weekend.

I’ll have to tell Tom since his waking me up for it is new, that I may not act too into it, but I will be and that’s a perfect time for sex to be “just for him.” Also, with a few minutes of getting a back rub afterward, I may fall back asleep better, then I’ll spoil him this weekend.

Later…

I just let Tom know what I just said in the paragraph up above and he said, “I’m not saying what I will or won’t do. I just want to spend some time with you and please don’t make it into something I don’t want to do.”

I forgot. That’s right. He likes spontaneity. Well, there won’t be sex then, since I mentioned it. That’s OK. I enjoy it more when I’m awake.

I’m making a TV dinner now since I’m 104 pounds. I realized I had two choices. To either starve or to give up. Right now I’m giving up, but I’ll tell you what Tom had to say about it later.

Later…

I just ate the TV dinner and after I finish the cigarette I’m smoking, I’m gonna go listen to music.

Tom reminded me of how my weight fluctuated when I first lost all that weight 10 years ago and says that’s normal.

Kim just left for Boston and she’ll get there right before 11 AM. She’s driving her car with her mother who’ll drive her car back to South Deerfield. Then, her aunt, who has to go through Boston anyway, will bring her to her mom’s house in South Deerfield tomorrow. Then Kim will take her car from her mom’s place back to her apartment which is only a mile away. I hope she’ll be well enough to drive even a mile.

Bob’s gonna be going nuts cuz she told him not to write to her till she returns and he hears from her just like the last time. I know she doesn’t want her mother or her grandmother to know she’s associated with Bob due to getting hit with questions, but according to her, it’s her neighbor who picks up her mail. Remember, though, it’s a small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business, so that’s probably why.

I just listened to music and now Tom’s in the shower. He’ll be taking off for work in just under an hour. Then, I’ll probably start some singing, but right now I’ll go feed the birds. Actually, I’m gonna take a shower as soon as he leaves, cuz I’m a grub and I need to shave and wash my hair.

Later…

I thought to myself as I just opened the door, are the birds there yet? Sure enough, they were all waiting on the electrical lines, so I just ran out and fed them. It’s freezing! It will be for the next few hours. Wow! There are nearly 20 pigeons out there as well as about 40 little birds. There are more pigeons and little birds that I saw waiting up on the lines. They must have several places where they sit and watch for when I come out. It’s amazing how they seem to know my schedule. They’re always out there, no matter what time of day I go out there for the first time unless it’s at night. It’s cool to see the pigeons stand on the wall that divides the pool and the Jacuzzi while they get drinks.

I was gonna print out calendars for 1996, but I’ll wait till we get closer to the end of the year and see how many regular calendars we get, so I don’t bother with making extra copies that’ll just be wasted.

Later…

Got a phone call from a lady at the credit union about the mortgage payment. She says the October 8th payment is past due. I left Tom a home memo so he can take care of it and I’m sure he will. I also let him know that I tried to make an appointment to see Dr. Rugg on November 9th which is a Thursday, but she doesn’t work on Thursdays, so I was told to call back on November 3rd and that I could make an appointment for the 10th. Let’s hope so. I need to get it over with and it’s not that often that Tom will have a weekday off.

Lastly, I let him know of Andy’s request. He said that more than likely he won’t need this but he needs to give the dentist a post-dated check for $140. He wants to know if we could write the check out and he’ll give us the cash for it. I told him there should be no problem if he needs us to do that and will mention it to Tom.

Andy and I chatted about different things. I read him Sarah’s letter and he told me about a dream he had. He said he knew it was him looking into the future. He said he saw a guy that was about 24-25 years old wearing a black button-down shirt with a pocket in the front. He couldn’t tell much else about him, but he said that something was telling him that this was Mr. Right. It said to look for this guy when he’s at the bar which he goes to on Tuesday nights and to approach this guy cuz the guy is interested but is too shy. Well, he went to the bar last Tuesday night, but he didn’t see anyone like that. Just a guy with that type of shirt that was dark gray, but he said that this guy was not at all interested. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

So, Karson’s left me two messages and him 4. He said that once a month or so we can call her and rank on her and tape it. Meanwhile, she can call us all she wants in between cuz we won’t talk to her. Maybe. I reminded Andy, though, that we’ll just have to enjoy the conversations, though, till I get a new dual tape deck (if I can get one that I can edit on) cuz mine’s dead.

I just weighed in at 102, so maybe I was full of water. I swear I’ve peed 4 times in the last hour and a half.

I also talked to Tammy and got some great news from her, finally. There’s this elderly woman with cancer and her daughter hired her to care for this woman Monday - Friday From 9 AM - 3 PM for $9 an hour under the table. That’s great and the kids are at the perfect age where she can do that. She said with her luck, though, the woman will die. This is great for her, though. She’s been cursed long enough.

I got the dishes done, but don’t feel like doing the bathroom or the vacuuming, so I’ll make sure I jump on it tomorrow.

I started the CD and it went from track 10 to track 7. It’s so neat.

Well, I guess I’ll go start letters to my family. I feel like I’m forgetting to mention something, but I can’t think of it. Oh well.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1995
The American Lung Association sent these Christmas seals kids designed. There’s one for all 50 states, including the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico. Idaho’s the best and it won, too. So, I’ll use them as date separators, but not in Journal 100.

I just pulled out my first journal and like I’ve said before - what a shitty writer I was. I checked to see if I wrote the time down that I began writing, but I never mentioned much about time till 3 days later. I probably began between 11 AM-noon judging by how long Jenny was probably there who I said came over at 9:30, then to get to the mall, etc.

I never even mentioned who Jenny, Kevin, Nellie and Mattie were for God knows how long. Yes, it just might be a good idea to “recap” my life. I believe that at some point in South Deerfield, I did write about people I’ve known in more detail. I went back and explained how, where, and when I met a certain person. How long I knew them, and if they were good or bad.

Wow. This is the longest period I’ve had all year. I’m not flowing heavily, but I’m not just spotting, either. Hopefully, it’ll bring some of the bloating down. The weird thing about my stomach, though, is that as bloated as it is it’s hard. It must be gas.

Anyway, I’m gonna take a nice hot relaxing bath. Tom turned up the water temp yesterday morning before he went to work.

Later…

OK, now I feel better and the water was perfect.

Guess who left a message at 4:00 yesterday afternoon and at midnight? None other than Karson herself. I left Andy a message letting him know that it’s his right to be friends with her, but not to call me with her on the line. Also, if she calls and I answer, I’ll just hang up and I’ll have Tom do the same as well. She’s got a new number that’s obviously local, but I’m not sure if it’s still in Mesa or where the hell it is. I don’t know what her situation is or why she took so long to call us. I’m sure she called Andy, too.

I can’t believe Fran’s only called once in this last year, but what about the occasional hang-ups we get? Could they be Fran or Nervous? I wouldn’t be too surprised if they were.

Later…

Yes! I’m down to 100 lbs. Thank God for giving me the ability to lose weight. Just maybe I could lose the 30-50 lbs. I’d need to if the ½% chance happens that we do have a kid. That’s more like a 0% chance, but it’s nice to know that even in this day and age I can do it. I asked Tom if he thought I could lose a lot of weight if I had to even though I’m 30 and not 19 and he said yes. And I don’t need to and didn’t starve, either.

Remember how I said Tom has all kinds of reasons for not wanting a kid now? All kinds of big and little reasons? He probably wants me to be able to wear and enjoy the jeans I got at the end of last winter. So do I. I even asked him last summer if I’d be able to fit into them this winter and he said yes. Now, just how would he know that? Gee, I really wonder! He’s the type who’ll always find reasons to wait on the kid. It’s an easy thing to do, though, so I understand.

If he’s not up by 5:00 I’ll wake him up.

Knowing he won’t hit me for sex this morning is fine, as this is the time I’m the least horny. Plus, he likes to go down on me more than to screw and even if my period was completely over, that crotch cream won’t be too tasty. I only have two more days to go on that.

Oh, my God! Journal 100 is only 3½ pages away. It’s so hard to believe. It’s amazing how I went to the Enfield Mall that day with only a few dollars to my name. A few dollars I should’ve saved for food, but I bought my first journal instead. From there I just never looked back. I just couldn’t stop writing. According to my journal chart, the age I was where I wrote the most was 28. I wrote the least from September 17, 1989 - October 30, 1990.

I just got the computer going and I brought up 100 which has been thoroughly tested. All the margins look fine. I’ll probably change fonts every 4 pages seeing how I counted 186 pages and there are 45 fonts I’ll be using. I’ll also probably print out sections at a time, but I won’t put them into the spiral till I’m all done.

Later…

Tom’s eating now and is psyched for the suspenseful countdown to journal 100 as I am!

I told him I weigh 100 and asked him if I looked better. He said no, but that I still always look good.

When I called my parents yesterday, Dad answered and I began saying I was Special Agent S and that I know he was on America’s Most Wanted. He laughed at that. I told him what Larry said when we spoke last week.

Tomorrow Kim will be having surgery in Boston, the poor girl. I know she’ll be there overnight, but I forgot if she said she’d arrive there tonight or tomorrow morning. I assume she’d go there tomorrow morning and leave the next morning with her mother.

No mail from Alex on AOL this morning, but am I ever gonna get anything from Gloria’s fan club?! I wish I had their address which was dumb of me not to save so I could write to them and tell them to forget it and send the money back.

Well, now it’s time to say goodbye to the double digits! My God, I can’t believe I got here! I actually made it to journal 100!!!!!!!!!

Later…

Well, here I am! I’m actually in journal 100! Tom says he thinks that when I’m 36 or 37 I’ll hit journal 200. We’ll see. After I finish this journal and after I print it out, I’ll probably zing back to a regular page setup just like all my other typed versions of my journals. Boy, this is so much faster and easier. It kind of makes me want to do all my journals this way. I love the computer’s little digital clock down below, too. It’s easier to deal with, rather than the big wall clock that I’ve got in the music room. I’m practically saving my stuff by sentences instead of paragraphs since I’m not copying this out of a journal. I’d hate to have worded a long paragraph perfectly only to have the computer crash on me right as I go to save it.

This weekend Tom’s gonna fire up the wall heater out here in the back room. For now, I’ve got the little portable heater out here and it’s not very effective. In a couple of weeks or so, since we’ll probably have a warm spell, according to Tom, we’ll fire up the living room one. The back room gets the coldest cuz it’s the biggest and it’s an end room. The music room is the smallest, for example, and it’s in between the back room and the master bedroom.

I’m still not sure whether or not I’ll start another story. Probably one of these days soon enough. I’m not sure what it’ll be about.

Anyway, today I’ll probably do some singing and maybe clean the bathroom. I’ll try to force myself to do some dusting and vacuuming, too.

I may try to get ahold of Kim today so I can ask her when she’s taking off for the hospital and what time she’ll be operated on and when she’ll be leaving the hospital.

Wait till I tell Andy that I’m now on 100. I’m sure he’ll be quite pleased to hear that. I’ll also let my parents, Tammy, Kim, Bob and Alex know, too.

I’m debating on whether or not I should discuss different parts of my life more thoroughly in this journal. Of course, I’d interrupt it with current events. Let’s see…where would I begin? If this were my very first journal, I’d start off with: My name is Jodi Lin S and I am 29 years old. I was born on December 4, 1965. Then I’d go on to say some of the things I like as well as dislike. I certainly wouldn’t start off the way I did in my first book. I’d also put the time and the year. All I put in was the day and date. Later I added the year.

I wish I could think of more to type about right now, but I really can’t at the moment, so I think I’ll go listen to music for a while. Then I’ll be back later to gab about whatever comes to mind.

Later…

Tom’s getting ready to leave for work. Right now he’s taking a dump, then he’s gotta comb his hair.

I just fed the pigeons and all the other birds we get here. They’re sure a funny sight to watch. Every time I go out there for the first time that day, at whatever time I do, they’re waiting on the electrical lines. Then I feed them and they devour it up in no time. They’re like Piggy. Tom just saw how the pigeons were climbing over each other to get at the food just now.

Today I’m gonna dust, then tomorrow I’ll do the bathroom, then on Friday, I’ll do the vacuuming. That way I space it out.

Tom just left for work and now I think I’ll go do some singing.

Later…

I did some singing and I dusted the place. I don’t know what I’m gonna do right now. Maybe I’ll watch TV. The only thing on now is talk shows, though, and I don’t care to listen to pregnant 14-year-olds. I don’t feel like cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming either so I think I’ll go start cooking Tom some spag.

I’m pissed, by the way. I’m back to 102 pounds.

Later…

OK, I’ve got the spag cooking.

I can’t believe how cold it’s gotten so fast. It doesn’t warm up till the sun comes up. No more pool for sure this year!

I hope this Saturday and next Monday are fun for Tom and I. He reminded me this morning that those will be our days and he’ll be off those days. No doing what we need to do on those days, only what we want. I’d like to think that he’ll cum, but that wouldn’t be doing what he wants.

Sunday he’ll be working on Eldon’s computer for about 6 hours. Eldon’s giving him a VCR which we’ll use in the bedroom in place of the one that’s there cuz the one that’s there is shittier.

Let me go check the spag and stir it.

Holy fucking shit, no! How the fuck can I be 103? What the fuck did I do? I didn’t eat hardly shit. I ain’t eating till before bed. I have to eat before bed cuz I can’t fall asleep with a stomach growling with hunger. I’m pissed, though. Real fucking pissed!

Let me go stir the spag for the second time.

Now the scale says 102. This scale sure does fluctuate. Tom reminded me that that’s what scales do. Yeah, I know, but I wish they didn’t do that.

Well, I’m gonna go check out just what the topic of discussion is on the talk shows.

Later…

I just broke down and had some spag, but I’m sure that if I only have a milkshake and a granola bar before bed I’ll be OK.

The two talk show subjects were hooker moms and violent teens. No thanks.

It’s still a bummer, I guess, that I can’t sense Robin as I used to. Also, I’ll never be able to get Tom to do any real research as to how to find information about her, but I told you so.

He shocked me by saying how he was eager to do more back room work. We’ll see.

It’d be nice to have the use of my drawing table back. I just wish I could draw well enough to really enjoy using it. It’d be nice to go from doing a really good drawing every 20 drawings I do to every 10 drawings I do. I do admit, though, to not practicing nearly enough to get much better.

I left Andy a message and let him know that I hit journal 100. I also tried calling Kim but got her machine. I didn’t leave a message, though.

Did I mention finishing my medley? Next, I’ll do stuff of Gloria’s and Linda’s. I kind of want to fill both sides of the tape. That way there’s stuff I can listen to at any point in the tape if I want to listen to it. Something like that will also be good for when the new kids and dogs arrive next door. Especially if I want any peace in that room. You can hear the most from that room cuz it’s the closest room to them that hasn’t got the soundproofing stuff in it and you can hear out front towards their driveway just fine if they’re playing basketball. I noticed something weird about the basketball hoop. The thing looks like it’s been turned. I don’t know who would turn it and why, but the angle of it does seem different.

Later…

It’s getting to the point where it’s the same temperature outside as it is inside. It’s warmer in direct sunlight. Anyway, in another couple of hours, I’ll vent this place with the EC to bring in warmer air. It’s chilly in here. I mean, I have my socks on.

More talk shows are coming on, so I’ll go see what they’re all about.

Later…

It’s 8º warmer outside than it is in here, but when I ran the EC it didn’t warm it up at all.

I just did some more singing and I watched some more TV. Right now, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m having one of those days where for the most part I’m bored. There are things I could do but I just don’t feel like doing them, so I’ll just be lazy for today.

What will I get in the mail today? Anything exciting? I hope to hear from Sarah sometime soon. It’s been a while and it’s her turn to write.

Well, I may as well go type up more of 99 now.

Later…

This is so cool. A new thing came with Windows 95 for the CD player. You can play CDs in either the order of the songs that are on the CD or in random order. I’m playing an old Gloria CD and first it played track 1, then track 7.

I was just working on 99 and it’s so cool how if I’ve got something I want to mention, I can just pull this journal up over it. All I have to do is click the file menu, then close this and journal 99 will be there where I left it.

Someone just called but I dropped the phone and disconnected them. It’s too early for Andy to be up, so it may have been a wrong number, some sales idiot or wacky Karson.

Now what track is it gonna play? I don’t hear anything right now. What happened?

I just restarted it in random order. The thing also has continuous play as well as the first 10 seconds of each song. Who would want to hear only the first 10 seconds of each song? It’s cool, anyway. At the bottom of the screen are little bars that list when you’ve got activated. The CD player is listed as well as the volume control. Tom plays the TV as loud as I do, but you have to have bionic ears to hear the music he plays.

Anyway, all you have to do is click on the bar of the item you want to do something with, then you can either put it back down there out of the way of what you’re doing or close it.

It just got done playing track 5 and now it’s playing track 8. It’s a neat surprise. I never know which song of hers on this CD will play next.

Why the hell am I so hungry today? I feel like I just want to gorge, but if I don’t do what I’m doing I won’t be able to eat all I want and not worry about it like I’ve been able to do these last 10 years. I probably still do have absolutely nothing to worry about, but I’m not gonna take that chance.

Now it’s playing track 4 which is ending, so, what will it play next? Track 10.

OK, now I’m really fucking mad! How the fuck can I weigh 104?! What the fuck am I doing wrong? Fuck it! I’m just gonna go pig out, then I’ll starve myself for sure. It seems that no matter if I exercise or what the fuck I eat I’m just not meant to have a flat tummy. I mean, I know it’s in my stomach. I could feel it just suddenly bloat out. What the fuck’s making it do that? I’m not constipated. I don’t feel gassy. My period is just about over. I’m not pregnant, so why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Here’s track 9 now. Anyway, I’ll be back later after I pig out. Fuck my weight!

Later…

I just turned the EC on again to see if it’ll warm this place up. It’s definitely warmer outside.

Now it’s playing track 2.

Anyway, I think I’m done typing for the day and I’m gonna have some coffee and wind down. In another hour or two, I’ll be crashing. I still have plenty of time to make my schedule in a way that I can be up all day this Saturday. I’ll be letting Tom know when I’m mid-cycle every month. I want to see how long certain patterns go on. Of course, though, I’ll fib by a day or two.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1995
I’ll have to ask Tom to turn up the thermostat on the water tank. I can’t get the water for baths or showers hot enough since it’s cooled down.

When I went out yesterday morning to feed the birds as the sun was coming up, it was freezing.

Andy sure has a big crowd at his place. I just called and right away he said he couldn’t talk, but thanked me for calling. So, I left him a message. At least he’s in a good mood and will probably call at some point during the night.

I’ve decided to use the remaining 12 pages in 91 to chart my asthma. Remember how I said I was using the peak flow meter? Well, Tom made a graphics chart so we can do it on the computer, too. I’m supposed to be at 415. I mean, that’s the best for a female my size, but I’m usually around 350.

Got mail from Kim today. A quick letter from her with 6 Bob letters. Nothing new or funny from Bob. Gonna go see if I got any email from Alex and maybe watch some TV. I should polish my nails, too.

Later…

I haven’t finished the medley yet, but I probably will during the night. I’m starting with a variety of artists, then I’ll do Gloria and Linda’s stuff.

Wow! Only 26 pages away from journal 100.

Jesus Christ! Remember how I had my upper or lower (I can’t remember which) wisdom tooth pop up or down for a day or two? Now my upper one is popping outward to the front right in the gum line.

I guess I don’t have to wake Tom up at 5:00, seeing that he just got up.

I still haven’t fired up the computer yet, so I think I’ll go do that.

Later…

I did some typing and some singing and worked some more on the medley.

Yup, the M’s moved out of state. Information only had one Dean M just outside Phoenix, but it was non-published. It could still be them, though, cuz if they’re hiding from anything or anyone, they may want a non-published number. If they moved to Idaho, he may be staying back with a friend or relative till the house sells. Tom says it’s not necessary to stay back till it sells, but who knows just what those weirdoes do?

Andy called this morning doing what he does best – discussing his problems with others. He had a fight with Pam. She supposedly scammed him by selling him shitty weed.

Still hanging in at 102. Of course, it’s best to lose weight slowly, so by mid-November I’d like to be 100. Perhaps 98 by my birthday.

Out of all the times it’s been easier to deal with never having a kid, this has been the best. I’ll probably always write about it and year after year I’ll probably always write about Tom’s not cumming and how he always says he will cum soon, then make excuses for why he didn’t, but at least I don’t feel like I’m gonna freak out, get all emotional and burst into tears. I guess I’ve just learned from past experiences not to fight what is or isn’t in the cards for me and to just accept whatever can and cannot be. Fighting for the ideal woman all those years which wasn’t meant to be and I knew wasn’t meant to be sure was exhausting. I don’t miss those exhausting, upsetting, and frustrating fights. It’s too soon to say how I’ll feel about fighting it out in a doctor’s office in ‘97, though.

Anyway, I’m a bit bored right now. I don’t really feel like doing any of the things I could do, like dust or vacuum. I’m not awake enough for that.

Also, speaking of fighting, I still can’t get up the nerve to pray to God cuz I’m not sure if it’s worth it with some of the shit that goes on in this world. The worst He can do is make sure we really never get any of the things we want, but what if He gets mad and makes shit go wrong? For example, Tom says that in God’s eyes, our having a child is morally correct. But how can He? If He really thought this, Tom wouldn’t be the way he is and we’d have one. I believe God considers it a definite no-no for me/us and in being persistent for one, I’m afraid of something happening. I feel like I’m asking for something that God’s shown me to be a very obvious no-no, not meant for me at all. Is it really bad or harmful to pray for something God won’t ever allow you to have? What do I do? Should I dare even take a chance?

I wish I could feel Robin more. I wish we could communicate more about more things.

How can I at least ensure myself that I’ll deal with it better and better with time and that I won’t return to constantly being hysterical about never having a kid? How can I get my husband to admit to his games and his never wanting a child? How can I ever get and keep a normal sleeping schedule? How can I ever quit smoking forever? My life could’ve been perfect if it weren’t for these things. Wouldn’t my life be perfect now if it weren’t for these 4 issues as well as the singing? Or would I have other problems instead to deal with? Would I just wish I could do or have other things instead? I wonder. At least it’s better than all the problems I used to have and there are a lot of people out there with a hell of a lot more and worse problems than I’ve got. Believe me, I know I really truly am very blessed. I understand that no one gets all they want. I know that’s not realistic, practical, possible or logical for anyone to get every single thing they want.

Later…

Oh, my God! I absolutely don’t believe it! My mother quit smoking 3 weeks ago. I would’ve bet my life that she’d never quit. She was as sure that she could never quit as I am that I can’t. I asked her if it really is swapping one misery for another and she said she thinks of smoking a lot, but it won’t be forever. She said she got really sick, had to go to the hospital, and then she gave the doctor her cigarettes and that was it. She went out and got a needlepoint kit to keep her hands busy.

I said we all have our weaknesses and strengths and that right now my weakness was not being able to quit smoking. Who knows, I told her, me and others thought I couldn’t do other things I’ve done, so maybe someday, and her answer was - that’s right. Anyway, I’m really happy for her.

Dad was bummed about how America’s Funniest Videos only played the tape for 10 seconds when he had 9 minutes of it and he thought the winners weren’t funny. I agree, but life isn’t fair. It’s sort of like the way the lottery works. You win if you already have money. You don’t win if you don’t have money.

I talked with Tammy too, who says all’s well.

Later…

I’m only gonna jot down a few things, then it’s off to bed cuz I’m beat.

I don’t understand. I’ve had a full period which still hasn’t completely stopped, I’m not constipated, I’ve hardly eaten, yet I’m still quite bloated.

I was sitting outside and it was so peacefully quiet. It’s great not to want to go out there, but worry that their dogs or kids will ruin the peace. Now I can concentrate on writing out there, doing word search puzzles, etc. I know, though, that it won’t last forever and that the noise will be back. I’m so lucky that no one’s moved in yet. I really thought that house would sell right away. For every quiet and peaceful day that goes by, I fear that all the more I will be severely compensated. If only I knew Robin wasn’t a hoax and that her spirit was real for sure and that she was right when she told me I have nothing to worry about. It would take some stress and worry off of me. Meanwhile, there’s no need for me to worry till the kids and dogs get there. Then I’ll deal with it. For now, I’ll just enjoy the peace till it’s shattered. I should’ve saved on the computer the letter I sent the M’s. I would have if I’d known they were gonna move since I’m gonna need it eventually.

For a while there it looked like I may hit 100 on the 8th anniversary of these journals, or writing I mean, but I guess I could hit 100 as soon as tomorrow.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1995
Shit, I just realized that by the time Halloween comes, I’ll probably be asleep when the damn trick-or-treaters are out. Even if we turn the lights off, someone may still be dumb enough to ring the bell or pound on the door. The doorbell wouldn’t wake me up but knocking probably will. Maybe I’ll throw the couch cushions into the music room, along with the fan, and crash there. The music room isn’t at the front of the house. Although, then again, I do believe I can recall sleeping fine through Halloween of ‘93 with the fan. We’ll just wait and see.

I’m really having a fuller period, so that’s good. I’m still hanging in at 102 pounds.

Later…

Tom’s sorting some electronic parts till the pork chops I’m making are done. I’m not eating any, though. I’ve had a TV dinner, some fried shrimp, a few mini blueberry muffins, and a granola bar. I’ll eat another granola bar before bed.

For a few minutes, Tom played his game last night. I played along too, as I don’t mind every now and then. I told him last night that getting down to 175 pounds didn’t seem to be something that was him. So he said he was gonna prove me wrong about that and the kid.

Uh-huh. Right.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve sensed Robin. I’ve even tried to reach her but to no avail. What was the purpose of what happened with Robin last July? Will I ever sense her as strongly again?

I rearranged my binders earlier and I have decided there’s no need for me to keep printing out the journals I type up. All I wanted was backup copies in a fireproof form. There’s no use in me using up so many ribbons and pieces of paper and binders which will take up so much space as time goes on. So, as of now, I’ve got 5 binders full of journals, 1 of letters and 1 of stories and 1 of a variety of things. Stuff like the edits, my songs, etc. Basically, all I’ll use binders for from here on out will be for letters.

I wonder if my planner has a hidden purpose for my writing journals. Could there truly be some unknown purpose? If I died right now, the only person who I could see reading them would be Andy. Tom would be busy or put it off forever. If we had had a kid and I died of old age, it probably wouldn’t be interested after living with me for about 18 years. Plus, if the kid was like most people it wouldn’t be interested in reading someone’s journals. I think most people would rather read regular story/education books.

Since we got a few more fonts a few months ago, I decided to go through them and make a list of the ones I like for Journal 100.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1995
Today was a good day, even though I slept late. Tom had fun at the tracks today but didn’t win. He says his mom would really like for me to go sometime and that she and I would probably take the shuttle bus they have and go to a swap meet.

Tom and I started to play around with Andy’s 4-track and I even heard myself sing backward.

Andy was telling me how he’s only gonna get 6 free therapy sessions, then will have to pay for it. He’s only gonna take the 6 free ones. I know therapy can help, but he’s in a similar boat that I was in. A therapist can’t give him money and the man of his dreams. At least he’s in Arizona, has a nice roommate, a car, and can hold a job and schedule. I agree with Tom that he’s survived through worse shit and things will get better. I hope they do, anyhow, cuz he deserves it.

So far I’ve been 102 lbs all day today. Last night was weird, though. I fluctuated from 102-104. I weighed 104, ate a bowl of cereal cuz I was so damn hungry and then I weighed 102. Tom weighed 208, then ate bacon and Hamburger Helper then he weighed 212.

Today I sure flowed heavily, but I needed to since my last 3 periods were so light.

I told Tom I’d be flowing heavily for sure today so he thinks I’ll be mid-cycle on 11/5, but I really will be on 11/3.

In my letter to Bob, I asked him to make sure he let me know when he gets those puzzles and Robin’s story (Reunited Love). In his letter to me which he dated 10/17, he said he was “looking forward to getting the puzzles and my story.” Not, “I got your puzzles and story.” He should have gotten it by the 17th if I’m remembering correctly when I sent it so I hope to hell he gets it. I hope I didn’t put too little of stamps on it (I put no return address label on it) and I hope no guards stole it.

Later…

I’m almost done making the best medley I’ve ever made.

We just screwed on the couch. We both like the bed better, though. I couldn’t cum cuz I couldn’t reach enough of my clit due to the angle.

I took down 4 puzzles that I had hanging by nails and thumbtacks and put them back up with that two-sided sticky stuff. I have 8 more to redo but have to wait till we can get more of that stuff.

It’s a good thing I don’t care to constantly change wall decorations cuz once they go up, they’re not coming back down. Who knows how you remove this stuff?

Things have been OK with us which is nice. Last night he said again how things are ready to roll. He always says that and always will. At least things are fine the way they are right now. I think the only thing Tom should do is accept the fact that we are gonna need to go to a doctor to have a kid in ‘97 as long as he’s unwilling to cum. He denies this. He’s either in denial or knows he never plans on going through with going to a doctor in ‘97 and I sure as hell hope that isn’t the case. Not unless I decide for whatever reason that I don’t want one. What I think will happen in the long run (or between now and ‘97) is that he’ll either confess to never intending to have a child or he’ll cover it by saying he’s decided it’s not what he wants. This is what I really truly believe will happen. He’s not gonna very well stall it without giving me a reason after 4/1997. He’s got to come up with and tell me something.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20, 1995
Larry called Wednesday night, as I said before. I only spoke to him cuz Sandy, Larry and Jennifer were asleep. He loved the envelope I last sent him and he said he saved it. The one with the tiny colorful lines on the front and the: Oh no, Tammy called! On the back with changeable markers inside of musical notes. I just sent him another letter with flowers on the front and fish on the back. I also wrote, “This letter sent at 87º,” and then I drew a snowman with a long flowing scarf, sort of like a banner and on it, I wrote, “Are you ready for the snow?!” He said it was only 38º at the time we were talking.

He bought a trucking business. There are 10 trucks for starters that will be delivering all kinds of things nationwide. He won’t be driving, though, but may possibly have to come to Phoenix on a business trip. He’ll be in Florida this weekend on business and will be seeing Mom and Dad.

I’m shocked, but he said that if he is invited to Lisa’s bat mitzvah, he will go. Sandy probably won’t go.

I got a kick out of how he said he saw Dad on America’s Most Wanted. Now why didn’t I think of that one?

He also asked: Why do blondes have long tampon strings? The answer is: So that the crabs can go bungee jumping.

He and Tom said hello to each other, too. I think that’s basically all we chatted about, but if I remember more, I’ll write it in.

Later…

Tom asked me if I’d try going with no cigarettes for as long as I can on the 30th. I wish I could get him to cum regularly in exchange for it. In fact, he may find it a perfect opportunity and take advantage of that situation to cum once. Cuz then I’ll have to go 24 hours with no cigarettes, then he can go back to never cumming. Nah - he’s too stubborn to cum and very against that baby. Especially with us trying to go back east in May and money being kind of tight.

He better not lie about cumming, though, before the 15th. Maybe he’ll cum by my hand. That way I can see it and it can’t get me pregnant. I’ve given up on trying so many different things to make him cum. I’ve also given up on trying to discourage it too, cuz usually when you try to encourage/discourage him one way, he goes the other way and has admitted this.

I’ll just wait and see if I can get him in to see a doctor in 17 months. This deal, though, really has helped to give me peace of mind and to make me less anxious, stressed out and trapped. All that could happen is that he could refuse to see a doctor when the time comes or stall it.

Later…

OK, I’m now in between spotting and fully flowing, so I guess it’s enough to consider myself at mid-cycle on the 3rd of November. However, I’ll let Tom know it fully began on the 22nd, which it wasn’t supposed to till then anyway. This is the 3rd month in a row of getting my period early. At least I had no bad emotional PMSing. I did mention having a little more than spotting and he suggested I not mark it till the 22nd, so he’ll believe I’m mid-cycle on Nov. 5th. I wonder how it works. I think that even though I’m only a little beyond spotting that it still does count as the start of my period. Anyway, I marked it in 83 as beginning today, but we’ll see how he acts on both the 3rd and the 5th of Nov.

We screwed earlier since he can’t go down on me for a while cuz of the crotch cream. First we tried doggie style which didn’t work, as it never has with me. So, we screwed in our regular position, and as always, he stopped when I came. He really acted like he felt left out, but personally, I think it was all an act. Don’t get me wrong. He chooses to be left out, but he brought up wishing he could be taken care of and how he doesn’t always have to stop just when I cum. Then why did he? I believe he’s only saying this cuz I’ve mentioned how sex is only for me. Sometimes he feeds off of what I say. However, I’ve gotten used to our sex being the way it is, as I’ve come to accept that it is the way it is and that it’ll never change. Especially what with knowing we can go to a doctor for a kid in ‘97. I’d have preferred to get the kid the old-fashioned way, but this is how it’ll be unless there’s something irreversibly wrong with me, or if he comes out and tells me he really doesn’t want a kid and that he’s sorry he led me on and let it get this far, or if he puts his actions where his mouth is and he cums.

Dr. Rausch reminded me that it’s important to get a negative pap with my being DES-exposed. That, I feel may either never happen or may take forever to achieve, but when I call to make an appointment with Dr. Rugg I’ll mention being mid-cycle to Tom on the 5th and that I’ll try to get as close to that as I can.

Later…

Yes, I officially have a normal period going here. Good. It’ll make me feel better. I could use a normal heavier period for a change.

I am so very accurately psychic when it comes to periods and Tom’s cumming. I know I’ll win our bet. I know I’ll get periods in November and December. Part of it is logic too, Tom’s actions, and the way God works.

Last Wednesday, Law & Order was a new episode, so I guess they had a problem of some kind with the previous show.

Later…

Shit! My body’s acting like it did 10 years ago when I’d barely eat and gain weight or stay the same. Up till recently I could gorge and stay the same weight. All day yesterday I was 104 and here’s what I ate: one TV dinner, 1½ Slim-Fast milkshakes, one granola bar, popcorn and coffee.

When I got up today I was 103 till an hour ago and all I had today was: 2 pork chops, a baked potato, half a Slim-Fast shake, a yogurt, a granola bar and coffee (sour cream & margarine with my baked potato).

So why the hell am I back to 104 when I’m not constipated and am ragging?! I must do what I did 10 years ago and starve for 3 days to shock my system, and speed up my metabolism, then hopefully I won’t have to worry even though I’m nearly 30 and not 19.

Later…

I just did a little test on the computer. Earlier I was copying and pasting my songs into the file that’ll be Journal 100, but it wouldn’t let me print them out without popping up a message to me saying there was an error in that application. This made me fear I wouldn’t be able to type a page in jour100 and print it out, but luckily I had no problem. I typed up a page, printed it out, then threw it in an NPN envelope.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19, 1995
Three more days till my period. Great. Then I can get some of this water off of me and my tits won’t be so sore. In a way, I wish my periods weren’t so light. I know that’d call for more cramps, but it may help my tits to be less sore and it may help me be less watery. Plus, there’s always Ibuprofen for the cramps.

I know Tom really wants to go back east this May. I can tell it means a lot to him, therefore, all the more reason why I know he’ll never cum. It means a lot to me too, and if I were pregnant now, then who knows how many more years it’d be before we went to see them.

Also, money’s tight now. We’re far from starving and he says we can afford a kid, but I’m not so sure.

I believe he wants a kid (or at least I want to believe he does), but I believe much, much more so, that he’s having fun playing this game and will play it till ‘97. Then, he’ll no doubt stall on making a doctor’s appointment which will probably stop me from wanting to go to a doctor, then it’ll be over.

I’m still having an easier time dealing with not having a kid ever, due to our agreement as silly as I know that is. I’ll never be able to get this guy in to see a doctor with me. No, I’m not gonna bring up the injection to the doctor tomorrow. I’ll just let Tom play his game. It’ll only be for 17½ more months.

I told him, though, that on 11/15, he’s gonna have to face the fact that he can’t win our bet and I’m not giving him another month, cuz he’ll ask for another month until the day he dies.

Damn! I’ve been having a bad lung day and night. It had been fine for the last 2-3 days. Maybe it’s the oil paintings. I swear that shit will never dry. I also finished the fish mural and sprayed clear spray paint over that.

Later…

I’m in the bedroom now and this room still smells of paint.

Tom’s going to the racetrack with his folks on Saturday to try to further his luck, and he wanted to show them our paintings. However, I’m not so sure they’ll be dry even by then.

During an episode of Little House on the Prairie yesterday afternoon, a commercial came on to order videos of the show. So, I called their 800# and they didn’t ask for a credit card and told me they’d send a bill later. So, hopefully in 3-4 weeks, it’ll get here.

Tom may do computer work for Eldon this Sunday since I’ll be asleep for most of the day.

Anyway, Andy was over, as I said earlier. Tom and I were experimenting with the 4-track he lent us when Larry called.

Andy liked the paintings, the fish art, and he really thought the giant cat was way cool. I showed him journals he hasn’t seen, as well as Dad and another video. He too, got a kick out of people’s clothes and hairstyles from nearly 30 years ago.

We sat outside on the bench swing and talked while Piggy was down by our feet eating grass.

I also helped him find some notes and chords to a song he wrote using the keyboard and the guitar.

He says he can see that I’ve gained weight. Well, believe me, I intend to do something about it. Being fat is part of being a mom for the most part, but I’m never gonna be a mom, so I have no reason or excuse to weigh 104 pounds. At 104 I look 120. At 100 I look 115 and at 95 I look 110, so I guess I’d like to get down somewhere between 95-100.

Tom says periods are a way of cleaning a woman’s body and that minor infections are usually flushed out by periods. Either way, I want it gone and I don’t want to be infected constantly like I used to be. Especially during times I was sexually active. I may have a husband with a low sex drive, but I still hope I’m not paying for and being compensated by the few times we manage to get together here and there. When I asked Tom if God was getting me due to wanting a kid, he said he wouldn’t get me over something natural and morally correct. Well, if it’s so natural and morally correct, why won’t he let Tom let himself cum and let me have one?

Anyway, I gave Andy back the pink lace shirt to give to Pam. Also, about 12 NPN envelopes for him to mail.

Only 60 pages left, then I can begin typing the coyote one. Can’t believe I’m 60 pages away from journal 100!

I’ll write up on my chat with Larry some other time. I’m a little tight-lunged right now and I just want to go relax.

Later…

The doctor’s appointment went OK today. He told me to take an extra 6 hits a day of the Azmacort if I’m having trouble. Last night I sure was tight and wheezy. He also recommended stuff for downstairs, so I got over-the-counter stuff. I also had a flu shot in one arm and a pneumonia shot in the other.

They weighed me at 105 pounds, even though I’ve shit and only had one granola bar and one TV dinner. So, I got 6 Slim-Fast shakes and am on a diet till I get between 95-100. I don’t understand my gaining weight when none of my habits have changed and I can’t be pregnant. Even Andy noticed although he says I still look OK and I still look solid. Could it be related to stopping the Theo? Maybe it’s just age. They say around 30 is when a woman begins to fall apart (unless she’s had a kid before then). Infections down there can bloat a woman, so hopefully after I use the cream and get my period, I won’t be such a balloon.

I’m coughing up shit now, so that means that I’ll probably be sneezing tomorrow.

An EC was put on next door. Tom says there’s no way it’ll cool the whole house cuz it looked small.

Tom agrees with me that there’s no chance the place will be empty for a year. The weather’s been very warm for this time of year. In the 90s, rather than the 80s, so once it cools down another 10º - 15º, I’m sure the kids and dogs will move in then. It’s still October, though. An unlucky month in some cases around here. October’s when the M’s moved in and when the music crowd gave their concerts 2-4 times a week for nearly 6 months.

I found a better way to put up my puzzles, rather than to tack or nail them up. There’s this clear gel-like stuff that’s sticky on both sides. When I use this, it sags less. I may take down about 12 of them and put them back up using this stuff. If we ever do move and they get ruined - fine. I’ll just start a new collection.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 1995
I’m pissed. I have another infection downstairs and Tom has sores in his mouth. Another thing to get in the way of our sex life. Also, I feel so punished. What did I do to get another infection so soon? How can I stop them from coming so frequently? Is this my punishment for having sex whenever we do, and wanting more sex when obviously something doesn’t want us having more sex? Is this my punishment for wanting a child?

Till today Tom’s been saying he didn’t think I had an infection, but I just knew it before it flared up. My woman’s instinct really is accurate, so I know I’m gonna be right about us needing to see someone in ‘97, even though he says we aren’t gonna need to. Luckily, though, I have an appointment with Dr. Rausch tomorrow so hopefully, he can take care of it. Hopefully, he won’t have to give me an exam. Eventually, he or Dr. Rugg will probably want to do an exam, though.

Andy came over today. He brought his 4-track recorder to lend us to create whatever with.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 1995
Tom just got home and will be watching TV for 2-3 hours.

I didn’t finish writing about the oil painting stuff cuz I got lazy. Tom and I did our first painting together of a mountain with a lake and pine trees. They weren’t the best, but they came out pretty good for beginners. I hate pine trees, but they sure are fun and easy to do. The same with grass. I thought grass was painted by spending weeks going over every little detail. Not so, though. All you do is tap the brush onto it. It’s easier than drawing grass, cuz then you have to stroke out each individual blade.

The second picture I did was a winter scene. Again, I hate those, but they’re easier to do. There are only two things about this one I don’t like. The snow has too much blue in it cuz the Turpenoid is dirty and I couldn’t clean the blue off the brush well enough, then load it with just the white. Also, the tree I did, in the end, looks like a tree a first-grader would do. In the first picture, my background trees didn’t come out too well.

My third picture was of 3 pine trees that I did on a very small piece of stretched canvas, (stretched over a wooden frame) smaller than this book.

I’ll be back to write about Kim and Andy after a cig.

Later…

Kim sent me a letter on pretty paper with musical notes. It had a matching envelope. She enclosed Bob’s letter, the one she read to me which he happily took advantage of her sharing her “sexual” fantasies, and wrote all about his. Also, she enclosed 11 stamps. That was really nice of her.

I may have forgotten to mention this, but she’ll be sending a video someone shot of her skating at a roller-skating rink with Doug in Vernon, CT that I can keep. I’ll be looking forward to that. Eventually, I’ll send Kim and Alex a video of stuff we’ve already recorded in and around the house, as well as Dad and me at age 4 at Passover.

Later…

Andy called today with some interesting news. Yesterday he was at an intersection when the light turned green. He didn’t go, though, and two cars from the left and the right came flying out of nowhere. They didn’t even slow down when their light was yellow. Wow. I asked him why he didn’t go and said, “I don’t know. I guess I was just very aware cuz of the dream.”

Something sure was looking out for him saying it wasn’t his time. I told him to make sure he told me if he ever has a dream with me and Tom in it. Wouldn’t that be a trip if he had a dream I was pregnant? I know it wouldn’t mean anything, but it would be funny.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1995
Tom’s home now and is eating and watching TV to clear his mind from the stressful drive home.

I am happy to say, though, that Tom finally mowed and did the sink.

I do have a lot to write about, so I better keep going so I don’t get backed up.

We saw Dad last night on America’s Funniest Videos. He was only on for about 10 seconds, but it was cool. Andy didn’t get to see it, so I’ll show him our copy when I see him. Eventually, I’ll mail Kim a tape of stuff we’ve already taped, along with Dad. Anyway, the bird went into my father’s mouth up to its neck and was chirping.

Later…

I asked Tom why he didn’t hit me for sex when we returned on Sunday. He said his leg was hurting all day. I believe him, but I still say there’s an outer source of some kind out to make sure sex is infrequent as well as the same as it’s always been.

Earlier, though, he walked on the treadmill for about 20 minutes to try loosening the stiff muscle. Then he went down on me before bed.

Sunday we went to the art store and here’s what we got:

A small tabletop easel

8 tubes of oil paint - Van Dyke Brown, Alizarin Crimson, Phalo Blue, Titanium White, bright red and yellow & green.

A putty knife (it’s not really shaped like a putty knife, though)

Liquid white (basecoat)

Turpenoid (you can’t clean these brushes with soap & water)

A 1” brush, 2” brush, a fan tip brush and a liner

2 big canvases, 2 medium canvases and 3 small canvas boards

It all came to $96.85.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14, 1995
Yesterday I talked with Kim and Andy.

Kim sent me a letter with about 4 letters she got from Bob which were boring. No classic lines like the bunk bed incident. She read me Bob’s letter she got in response to the fantasy letter she wrote to him. She’s finally playing with his head. Bob totally fell for it and is on cloud 9. He asked her to tell him more fantasies and asked her sexual questions.

I don’t know if I wrote about the letter I’ll be sending him, but I’m going to be telling him that someone refusing to give me their name and tell me how they got my name and number called me. They say they have a relative who’s an inmate there who’s gonna bust his way into Bob’s pants.

Anyway, Tom went down on me last night and was in a fine mood when I got up. He even mentioned doing the yard and asked me if I could clear out the sink so he can bleach it, so we’ll see. He’s at the racetrack now with his parents. Before he left we both screwed and had oral sex. I won the bet as I knew I would.

Now, if we have sex regularly enough with no fights, I’ll fool him again and say I got my period a day or two sooner to see if I’m avoided mid-cycle. I don’t understand why he’d need to avoid me, though, since he won’t cum.

Last night before going down on me, he was in long enough to take care of himself, but not before sex today. He did go in right after to shower, so he probably got it out of his system then.

Last night I got to thinking. I said to myself, OK, the baby desires have been easier to deal with since our agreement, but it’s my brain! Therefore, I should be the one to control its thoughts and desires. I really wish I didn’t want to be a singer or have a kid, even in the smallest way. My life would then be so much easier and sex wouldn’t be frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, though, it’s still rather humiliating for him not to cum at least every other time to show me he’s pleased by me besides just saying he is.

I know I’ve painted a horrible picture of Tom over the last several journals, but believe me, other than his sex/baby games he’s a wonderful person. If he weren’t, I wouldn’t be here and the security and things he provides me with that I need or want wouldn’t matter.

Later…

Another dream has come true. I always wanted a typed journal. I mean with a cover and of this size, not the typed versions of my journals on full sheets of paper in binders. I keep calling the coyote journal a wolf, but it is a coyote. Anyway, that’s the spiral one I just got. Tom and I tried to set the margins properly, but he was on his way out. On his way out, though, he said, “You’re a smart girl. So, you figure it out, then you can teach me.”

I was like, “Me? Teach you something about the computer?” Well, I am proud to say that I did figure it out on a piece of paper I cut to the same size the pages are in that book. Then, I detached a piece that I typed up and put back in the book. It looks oh-so professional. As if I bought the book that way, and I can’t wait to show him.

Later…

Tom was quite impressed with the typed page I did in the coyote book. I’m gonna make a change, though. Instead of doing the remainder of the journals my parents sent next, I’m gonna type the coyote next, do the fish book, then the other two my parents sent (the dog & angel).

Tom says he should have our sex bet extended another month. I told him he’ll always need another month. He said things are starting to get so much better, though, that he feels it’ll be no problem. He’ll always say that, too.

I do feel, though, that things will be better between us and that’s what we both want. There’s really nothing left to fight about anyway. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels.

The day’s gotten even better since I last wrote. Tom won $300 at the racetrack! He filmed a few races, too. He didn’t film his parents or himself cuz he wanted to wait till I was there. I made a deal with him that I’d go with him once a year when the weather cools down.

Tomorrow we’re gonna go shopping for art supplies. He said he doesn’t want to get anything cuz the only thing he wants is too expensive.

Also, we got a letter today from a big company that distributes all kinds of software and shareware. What they say they may do is put the PrintBIG program on a disk with other programs. We won’t get any money for it, but we’ll get a free copy of this disk and more exposure. They’ll let us know after we sign an OK form.

I saw two paint shows this morning that I have saved on tape. The first one was of a woman using acrylic paints and painting roses and Santa. It really didn’t look too hard.

I really loved the second show even better. The guy’s name is Bob Ross who’s done this show for 11 years. He uses oil paints and in a half-hour, he painted this ugly, yet amazing and beautifully done winter scene.

I want to try oil painting so badly. We need to buy paints, brushes, poster boards, a palette, and an easel tomorrow.

Someone was next door earlier, but it was probably the Realtor and maybe a kid of his. Earlier there was cardboard up over all of the windows which is weird. Now the blinds are back up, but they’re shut.

Here we go again. I’ve got to compete with that damn TV while he insists there was no opportunity. He said his leg was stiff all day and that may be true, but God! I swear this guy has got the aches and pains of an 80-year-old. From what I remember, his leg didn’t get stiff till well after we returned from shopping and he could’ve initiated sex before that.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13, 1995
Got up at 8 AM, but am already getting tired.

Dad left a message. They didn’t make the top 3 but they’ll be on America’s Funniest Home Videos this Sunday.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12, 1995
I don’t believe it, but then again I do. The week before last they aired the first new Law & Order show with the new pig. Last week it wasn’t on due to some special. This week’s TV guide said the second new show would be on, but no. They had to put on an old show instead.

Tom and I are doing better, but there are still a few things that bug me and confuse me. What else is new, huh? It seems the more I ask him to do little things, the less he does them. I asked him nicely at a time when he wasn’t busy if he could please bleach the kitchen sink since bleach bothers me. He said he would, but I know him. I know him. He hasn’t done it and he never will as long as I mention it. Maybe he likes to be asked the same thing a few times around. Maybe he just doesn’t care. The bulk of his words just don’t go with his actions.

Last night I asked to make two compromises with him. 1. For him to clean the back room if my parents ever came out, and I’d smoke outside unless it was storming. 2. For him to not trash the house if we ever move, and I’ll never smoke inside no matter how the weather is. Shortly after he got home and worked on the back room until he went to bed. See? It’s either work or sex with the guy. He can’t mix the two. I also felt like he was punishing me. Cuz I asked about the back room, he wouldn’t have sex with me. Yet he says he feels spited and punished? I feel that enough of the time.

Last night I woke him up cuz I was angry and confused over some of our conversations. He cleared up what I misunderstood, but was pissed. I agree I should’ve spoken up earlier, but I’m almost sure he’d have been pissed then, too. It’s like it’s getting harder for me to talk to him without him getting emotional. Our argument didn’t last long and things were fine shortly after. He was watching TV, then came in to turn his alarm off. Some of his behavior is still asinine and unnecessary. The reason why he turned off his alarm was cuz he had no intention of going back to bed which was so stupid and neither of us was still upset. I feel he did it to be more tired, so it would be all the more obvious that we were not having sex. All he needs to do, though, is just not initiate it. He does that a lot of the time anyway and is quite capable and good at it. I told him that if we didn’t have sex over the next few days, I’d try not to accuse him of punishing me. His answer was for me to try to remember that. See? That tells me that yes, he’s already made up his mind that we won’t have sex for several days and he won’t even wait and see if he’s caught up on his sleep to perhaps have it after work tomorrow. We’re back to the same old shit of occasional sex over shit that’s done and over with. And he says to move forward after a bad day and that the next day is a new day? He oughta practice what he preaches.

He says he’s not “evil” and that he’s not trying to deliberately dupe me in any way, but could even someone who hasn’t had my past experiences not be so pessimistic, defensive and paranoid?

Why me? I ask this again and again. Why do I always have to have some weird, strange, different or abnormal situation to deal with? Can’t things just be normal? Can’t Tom just be like other guys? I once thought I could never have even the smallest dick inside me, but 3 months later after trying, I got over it. Why can’t he get over his fear of cumming? Why can’t he get over this so-called block, whatever it is? True that he doesn’t say he can’t like I did, but I don’t see him try like I did.

I just can’t help but believe by his actions that everything he says is a joke and that he really wants none of the things he says he does. Not the kid, not the music, not the business. He says the Robin case isn’t over but I know it is. What about the business he says he wants so badly? If he wants it so bad, then why hasn’t he shown me anything to do yet?

And he isn’t trying to make me wait on things?

I shouldn’t have read my story onto a tape. First of all, he’s not gonna listen to it. Secondly, I should give him right back what he gives me. I should’ve never done it or waited for several months. I should’ve made it a joke like the bee and cigarette machine and so very much more.

Will he ever film me signing all those signs I typed up? No. I will never ever do any more big projects for him unless I want to do it. I don’t care how selfish that sounds, either.

Remember all those computer magazine articles I typed up over a year ago? He’s never touched them.

Later…

I haven’t prayed, so why the desire to have a kid is easier to deal with, beats me. Maybe it’s cuz of our agreement, but I like and need it to be easier. I have a very strong feeling, though, that if I said nothing until the end of April of ‘97, he won’t bring it up till I do. I also have a very strong feeling that if I truly decide by April of ‘97 that we shouldn’t bother, he won’t utter more than a quick “OK.” He won’t be urging me to change my mind. He won’t put up one second’s worth of a fight if I do say that. He won’t shed one tear or say, “Too bad.” If I truly decide to forget about it, it’ll only be due to his actions which shows he doesn’t want it. I can’t and won’t force him to be a father.

During a moment of frustration about a month ago, I said I didn’t want a kid and his answer cracked me up. He said, “I’m not gonna make you have a kid, so tell me if you don’t really want one so I can see to it that we don’t.”

Oh, but I think he’s done a fine job of seeing that we don’t since our very first screw. Like we have anything to worry about?

Two days ago, we finally had oral sex. He was in the bathroom for about 15 minutes before going down on me. Long enough to relieve himself, and he never wanted to screw.

Later…

I just left Andy a message telling him of our agreement and how Tom feels we won’t need to see a doctor, but I do unless one or both of us decide to forget it. I asked him to let me know if he feels we won’t need a doctor, we will need a doctor and go to one, or we will need a doctor, but not go to one.

Yesterday they put new carpet down next door, but I haven’t seen anyone there today. Just a guy leave at 8:00 this morning. They left there with 5 little kids and waited till now to recarpet? Especially with the way kids destroy things? Tom says they’re really having trouble selling the house so they’re doing stuff to improve it.

I forgot to mention that there’s a gorgeous, modern 2-bedroom house for only about 50 grand next to Tom’s parent’s house that’s been for sale for a year. Oh, how I’d love for the house next door to be for sale that long! I still have a feeling it’ll sell by the time it gets cool enough for kids to be out 24/7. Right when I go to do the block wall their kids and dogs will be raising hell in the backyard. Or maybe the kids will be out front. It seems that kids play in the front of their houses more so out here. The longer it’s vacant, the better, but as each day passes that it’s vacant, I fear harsher compensation.

For over a year I haven’t heard the dog across the street. But very occasionally (less than next door’s dogs were on their quietest days) I hear it. Coincidence? Nah - God’s gotta do something.

Tom says they may have gotten a rare and great deal on a bigger house if the M’s stayed here and that’s why they split. Yeah, she’s probably pregnant with the 7th kid by now. I still feel they may have been up to something. It’s one thing to have such a large family that you can’t afford to go anywhere other than to church on Sundays, but they obviously never even went to parks or places that were free.

Later…

Better one of us than none of us, but it seems to me I’m the one that comes up with ideas to help us. Would we be sleeping in the same room if I hadn’t thought to put the beds side by side? I doubt it. Would we ever go to a doctor if I hadn’t thought of that? Almost certainly not.

My smoking habits are still the same, but my schedule flipped back to days pretty fast this time. For the last 3-5 mornings, probably more, I’ve been getting up between 6-8 AM.

Tom’s home now so I’ll write more later. I’ll have plenty of time to since we won’t be screwing around.

Later…

Tom went to bed a half-hour ago, but that’s good so he’ll have 12 hours to catch up on his sleep. He might even wake up before 5 AM.

We discussed loading all my journals into one big file so the computer can make the journal index I had started.

Later…

How fucking frustrating! Why can’t I just be one of those who draws what she sees? I wish I could be like Nancy H and Tara T were yet I can very seldom do a decent enough drawing.

Now I’m gonna write about a discussion I had with Andy yesterday. He’s told me that he’s had experiences with déjà vu during his dream state, but very rarely of danger. He says it usually involves everyday stuff, but this dream was different. He had it a week ago, and I have no bad vibes, so that’s good. In his dream, he saw two cars plow into him at an intersection. He’s pretty sure he didn’t survive it and it appeared to him that it was painless and that his soul was released. He saw all this in his dream from an aerial view.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 10, 1995
Now I can finally try to begin to catch up on all that’s been going on. I really need to make myself write during my tough times when my thoughts are fresh in my head. I’ll try now to go through each day and explain what happened and how I felt and why I felt the way I did.

I had a case of mild diarrhea. My stomach felt like a Theodur belly cuz I was nerved up and hadn’t had too much sleep.

One of the biggest factors that made me upset during different parts of the long weekend (yesterday was Columbus Day) was how much I felt Tom was punishing and teasing me with the issue of sex, and how I felt that the TV was more important than me. I told him if he’s teasing me with sex I’ll tease him right back. I asked him why he couldn’t watch TV for a while, then take 45 minutes or so out to have sex or at least just cuddle before moving on to do computer work.

So he went on to explain certain things about himself so that I could better understand him and he told me that what I do with that information is up to me. After all this time, he finally comes out and tells me that my taking the phone off the hook before sex turns him off cuz it’s another thing that’s too planned.

Everything turns him off, though, trust me. He said it’s not fun for him to have things be in planned steps. Like turning off the ringer, turning the fan on, etc. He not only wants sex to be spontaneous, but he wants all that revolves around it not to be so planned either. He also wants to not know where our cuddling will lead to. Meaning, he doesn’t want to know that it’ll always necessarily lead to sex.

I told him I do understand this but that there’s still always something turning him off, there’s always an excuse and I don’t feel he’s putting that much effort into upping the frequency of sex, yet he sits there and tells me he loves to have sex with me cuz he loves me and is attracted to me. I feel that he’s had plenty of opportunities to initiate sex at different times throughout the weekend. After he comes home from work, eats, unwinds and digests, why can’t he initiate it then? Why does he have to watch TV and do computer work? TV and computer work is fine, but if he really wanted to, he could squeeze time for us in between this.

I do have some very good and amazing news that’ll shock you as much as it shocked me. News that really gives me more peace of mind and has me feeling less at a dead-end and up against a wall. Well, I got him to agree that if I’m not pregnant by April of ‘97 we’d go to a doctor Now this may sound good, but I’m sure there’s a catch knowing him and how he loves to procrastinate. He was gonna mow the lawn Saturday. Yeah, right. At least he planted the daisy seeds. Anyway, knowing him, who knows how long he’ll stall on making the doctor’s appointment when we do get to April of ‘97? Also, who knows if a doctor can really help us? What are they gonna do? Stick a needle in his balls, draw his cum out and shove it up me? Nonetheless, this agreement has me feeling much better. All I have to do is make sure he sticks to it. He promised to and I’m gonna make sure he does keep this promise. Then again, I may feel in April of ‘97 that I’m pushing the guy to do something he really doesn’t want to do, even though he says differently, and let him off the hook. Maybe I’d feel too guilty to make him keep this promise. Not to mention how mad, depressed and led on I may feel, too. Or maybe the best thing that could happen will happen and neither of us will want a kid at all. Still, this has made it easier to deal with. I told him that the only thing that had me wondering was the fact that he chose 18 months. That seems like a long wait for someone that says they want a kid. He told me that April of ‘97 seems so long to me cuz I feel it’ll get to the point where we’ll have to go to a doctor, whereas he doesn’t feel we will have to see a doctor I know it’ll come to that point and by the time I can get him to make the appointment, get in to see a doctor, and hopefully get something done about it, we’re talking two years or more.

Then he goes on to say that I get my way with almost everything which isn’t true, otherwise we’d have a kid, we’d be in business full-fledged, I’d be a singer and all the things we said we were gonna do would be done including the back room which I know he never really had any intention of doing since day one, regardless of what he says. Maybe cuz he feels this way is another reason for him to deliberately stall on things we say we want or I say I want, along with forcing me to be patient and unspoiled. He tells me that I imagine these things about him, but up till now, it’s still hard for me to believe that I could have such a wild and active imagination due to his actions. What else would anyone think?

If he plans to cum at any point, at this time I’d say he’d start doing so at the beginning of ‘97.

The longer we go without sex, though, the easier it is in my mind to just keep it that way. I didn’t truly want to give up on our sex lives, but like I told him, if it’s just gonna cause fights and be the same old shit that’s not too frequent but filled with excuses and turn-offs, then I don’t want any part of it. He says we’ve got to break the cycle of how we screw, then we fight, then we screw, then we fight. Well, maybe if he’d make more time for it, not have so many excuses and turn-offs and weird quirks about it and show me he really appreciates what I do to him by cumming every now and then and put some effort into trying for a kid, we won’t fight as much. This does seem to be the only thing we do fight about, after all. That and his procrastinating and being a slob. I know he doesn’t appreciate some of the ways I talk too, but I’m not perfect either. I just hope we can both work on these issues together and make them better once and for all.

If we have sex before I’m mid-cycle next month, I’ll have to do my little test again. I’ll tell him I got my period a day before I really do and see if he avoids me or only does oral sex to me 14 days after I say I started my period. I know it wouldn’t matter even if we screwed when I was really at that 14-day marker since he won’t cum, but I want to see how much longer this already lengthy pattern continues.

Yesterday we got along much better and got out of here. We went to his parent’s house. First we went to get frames for two oil paintings done by some relatives of theirs who live in Michigan. They were beautiful and I’d really like to be able to do this. Tom and Ma said they didn’t see why I couldn’t with my ability to draw and Tom said that there’s a show that shows them do an oil painting of the same size of 12 x 16 in half an hour. I’m surprised that all it takes is half an hour. I thought it’d take weeks. I’d like to do scenery including palm trees, and cactuses, then eventually something like ballerinas, teddy bears and flowers. So, after Tom got them into their frames, he went out to help his dad work on one of their cars.

While they did that, me and ma hung one of the pictures since one’s going to someone else, and I glued a chain onto a stained glass hanging she had.

She gave me a thick foam-like thing to slip my pen into. This way, when my right index fingernail grows out, it won’t dig into my thumb.

She also showed me the kitchen seat cover she made. Their kitchen chairs are just like ours and I’ve been wanting to make coverings for them since they’re old and beat up. She told me there’s a place called Sass that has really cheap material and some of the elastic I’d need for the seat part so it fits snugly over the seat part.

Lastly, she had a big wide ugly oil painting of an ocean scene that had been on her living room wall since I’ve known them and she gave that to me to use to try painting on. You can paint over the old paint.

So, after we were there for a little over an hour, Tom dropped me off at home, then went back to his parent’s to work on the car for a few hours.

When he came back, we went to a bookstore. I got a really cute fish one with prisms on it and then a hard-covered one with a spiral side. I studied it carefully and it looks like I can definitely detach the papers, print them out, then put them back on the spiral part with no problems.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1995
Tom’s doing what he does 80% of the time he’s home - watching TV. I told him there’s nothing wrong with doing something he enjoys, but he complains he doesn’t have enough free time to get things done. I told him he should do stuff while he watches TV. He can play the TV on the computer while working on whatever in the back room.

He says he wants to get back into having sex again, but it seems the TV’s more important. I think he’s getting me back for not wanting sex with him for a while. I really was having fun teasing him with it and giving him a taste of his medicine for making me feel teased with you know what for so long. Also, as fun as sex can be for me, it always hurt me emotionally.

We made a couple of decisions yesterday. I fully intend to live up to what I agreed to, but he better live up to his end and not make me a naïve, foolish sucker in the end! What he agreed to is that we can see a doctor in about a year if I still can’t get pregnant. After a year, he better not keep stalling. If it’s ever not what he wants I’d rather be hurt by him telling me that than be hurt by him leading me on.

I realized, though, after we made this deal that I could have given him a reason to keep holding off for another year. If he really does want one, but planned all along to wait, he could be saying to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to wait another year and I’ll cum right before it’s time to go to the doctor cuz there’s no need for me to see a doctor when I could cum all along.”

If he really doesn’t ever want one, I hope he’ll be pressured into telling me soon enough cuz he can’t keep making excuses for why he doesn’t cum for too many years. I just hope I don’t get hurt by this one in the end, although it makes me feel so much better that he’s agreed to this and more hopeful. I still say that if our unfair God does grant us a child it’ll be years from now.

I wish I could take that injection till he cums. Tom said it’s my body so it’s up to me, but that it’d make it harder for him to cum cuz he’d be upset over not having a family. Then once he came and I stopped the injection he said he’d feel pressured to make a baby. I asked him why he didn’t feel pressured now about making a baby and he says he’s getting over it. Yeah, it really shows! I think the real reason he prefers me not to get the injection is so he can tease me with the issues of cumming and a baby. If I had the injection, all he could tease me with would be the cumming issue.

Andy and I were right after all on a couple of predictions we made. About a week ago I told Tammy that I had a bad vibe concerning Bill, but nothing too serious. Sure enough, she told me yesterday that Bill has a bad cold.

A couple of days ago Andy said he sensed some form of mail that’d make me happier than usual, but he didn’t know what. He said maybe a 20-page letter from Sarah or Gloria’s intro kit. I asked Tammy if she’s sending me any mail and she said next week probably. Great! I hope it’s a video of them and in and out of their house. According to her, a lot has changed with the house.

Gloria just released a new album on September 26th. God, she’s fast! I don’t get how she’s so fast with a husband and two kids. She’s faster than Linda who never had a family. It’s called Abrienda Puertas which means opening doors. I hope it doesn’t suck like Mi Tierra did and like Linda’s last album.

Tom and I just had a wonderful chat, but I’ll get to it later.

It’s fucking freezing out! Practically overnight. It’s amazing how it went from scorching hot to so very, very chilly just like that.

With my luck, the day I begin painting the block wall will be the day the kids and dogs move in next door.

I’m in a generous mood, so if our sex bet is still on, I’ll extend it another month till November 15th. He’s gonna lose!

Later…

It’s so peacefully quiet out. If the M’s were still here and if I’d never spoken up, the kids’ screams would be heard on and off all day from inside their house with their windows open. Then, from about 3 PM-6 PM, they’d be right outside here going crazy. It’s warmed up pretty fast out there, but summer is surely gone.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 1995
I am absolutely furious right now. That mother-fucking OJ Simpson got off! I knew it though. It just goes to show you once again how if you’re a male and if you have money, you’re above the law. It also goes to show how men can beat their wives for years, then murder them and get away with it. To me, this fucking jury is no better than this known and proven murderer. I have been an admitted sexist all my life, but now I don’t think there’s a bigger sexist than me. If he had been a female or if it had been a broke female or male, they would be found guilty for sure. Maybe not even a broke male, though.

I hope and pray more than anything that someone does the right thing and kills him. What the fuck was going through God’s mind? How can He let this happen? How could God allow him kids that he’s gonna get back? I will never pray again. Never! This fucking murderer can have 4 kids and I can’t! I hope he dies! Death is what he deserves! What a slap in the face for women and a sign to the rich saying: Go ahead. Kill whoever you want cuz you can buy your way out of it. Especially if you’re a male.

What also burns me up is that people like me who want to do the right thing can’t kill him cuz then we go to jail too, and no middle-class, childless female would get off. Just like rapist Mike Tyson who just made a million dollars! Do I have to kill or hurt people to have a child and more money? Is that what it would take? I’ll bet that if I went out and killed someone, I’d be pregnant.

I’m just so sick of this crazy, sick, fucked up, unfair world! Even my sister was furious. Why the fuck were 10 jury members black? Why couldn’t there be 4 whites, 4 blacks, 4 Asian, and 4 Hispanics?

I told Tammy how furious I was cuz this two-time murderer gets to have his kids and we can’t have one. Tammy said to adopt. Tom would never go for that and I have a record, I said. Then she said that prank phone calls weren’t shit when they can let a murderer have his kids. True. But I’m a female and we’re middle-class and not rich.

I’ve tried for the last several years not to be prejudiced, but now I’m right back to how I felt at age 21 or so. Most of them are no good losers who simply want to commit crimes, but not the time.

All the more I know now not to bother praying to God. This is the final straw and I’ve lost all faith. I knew I’d never have a kid, but now I really, really know and I fully intend to ask Dr. Rausch about the injection. Tom will have to find a new game to play with me.

Meanwhile, I hope OJ dies!!!!!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 1995
I haven’t been writing nearly as much as I’d like to, but now I’m gonna catch up.

First, though, I got a letter from Kim today, as well as one from Bob. Kim also sent me a letter she got from Bob that was so funny. Not funny by him cuz he wrote the same old shit. What was funny is how Kim added her own words to it. Her comments in Bob’s letter were pretty funny and I’ll be sending Andy the letter eventually so he can post it in his laundry room.

Speaking of Andy, he should be calling me back at any moment.

Later…

A couple of days ago Andy called me telling me he had stress and anxiety like never before. The bulk of it is due to his life. He’s broke and is very lonely. He said he felt like he wanted to take some kind of medication for it. I told him that it’s his life and it’s his body, but I reminded him why I don’t approve of shit like that. To me, shrinks are no better than street drug dealers. Also, you get physically and psychologically addicted to the shit and while you’re taking it the problems are still there. Not to mention all the side effects that go with it. It’s hard, but I’d rather try to find anything I could to make a tough time easier to deal with.

So, I told him to call the crisis center if he really feels like he’s gonna freak. I got him laughing at one point when I said, “Just don’t tell him you see snow outside or that you’ve got your Superman outfit on and are gonna jump off of the high school roof.”

I also told him that he can find places where he can see a therapist for free due to him not making hardly any money. I think he qualifies for Access. I know it’s not the best medical plan in the world, but it’s better than nothing. So, he’s got an appointment to see a therapist for free in Mesa and he’s gonna apply for Access. He wants to see a doctor to see if he’s got something wrong with him or if what he’s feeling is all stress-related.

Tom and I are doing OK. I still feel my life would be pretty near perfect if Tom could cum and we could have a kid. Better yet, it’d be pretty near perfect if he could cum and I didn’t want a kid.

I doubt it, but could Tom be gay? It seems very unlikely and he knows that I’m the last person who’d freak out on him if he told me so if it were true. I just don’t know what to do anymore. If I try I get no results, if I don’t try I get no results, and I really believe that if I said nothing about it, he’d still be up to his same old tricks 5 years from now. And then at that time he still wouldn’t want to see a doctor about it. I never thought I’d want to see someone about it since I’ve always been superstitious and against stuff like that. I don’t always believe in changing the way God’s made us (if He really does exist).

He told me the other day that he does tell me the truth and that’s if he’s said anything that hasn’t come true, it wasn’t intentional. He said that he’s not out to get me, he doesn’t have a plan as to when to cum, he does want a kid, he doesn’t want to change or make me into something, and he’s not holding back.

I want more than anything to believe this, but what am I supposed to think? Then again, maybe it’d be scarier to think that there could be a very slight chance that he does have a real mental block. Cuz usually, if you’ve had a problem like that for as long as he, then it won’t go away without someone else’s help. If this were God forbid the case and if he ever did get over his embarrassment and decided to seek professional help, God only knows how many years he’d let pass before he did this.

I told him the other day to think about how he said that our insurance pays for stuff like this cuz it plays on couples’ minds psychologically and it’s playing on my mind. And that his being in denial is hurting me and making me feel like my dreams are being taken away if all’s really OK with me. But he said he knows in his mind that things will change. How many more months is he going to keep saying that?! He may be kidding himself, but he’s not kidding me. He says that he’s constantly true to himself as well as to me, but I’ll tell you one thing, I’m getting closer and closer to asking about that injection!

He also said that it’s not that our sex before we began sleeping together didn’t count. He said it was always great, he just didn’t know it’d be this great and says the difference between the two makes the sex we had before sleeping together seem like nothing. I can believe and accept that one, but I still feel the same way I’ve always felt about it. I wrote in these journals how it wouldn’t change him before we did sleep together, and I was right.

Also, shortly after I got up on Sunday, I said I had a proposition for him and suggested that we agree on a timeframe of seeing that things won’t change and then we go to a doctor. Not only did he not agree to a date which would’ve been something like 3-5 years anyway, but he was upset about it and didn’t talk to me for nearly an hour. He said it ruined his day and his opportunity to initiate sex with me.

How does and should a simple question ruin someone’s day and chance to initiate sex with someone? To me, it’s just another one of his stupid excuses. Does he think I’m stupid? Well, I’m not. Talk about a kid turns him off sexually. Now what would that tell someone? Wouldn’t it tell that person that this is someone that does not want a kid if it’s got to turn off their appetite for sex?

MONDAY, OCTOBER 2, 1995
Today was between fair and good (now yesterday). I’ve got several things to write about Andy and Tom.

First of all, I taped a movie out in the living room while Tom taped another one for me in the bedroom. It’s done recording. However, hitting the eject button seems useless in getting the tape out. I’ll have to ask Tom how it works.

We went out earlier and I got 4 puzzles. None by the company who had that puzzle offer cuz they had either ugly ones or ones I already have. They’re all dogs, kittens and teddy bears. Two of them are 12x36.

When Tom went to bed, he and I forgot to have him leave me more cigarettes, so I “psyched” them out. I felt they were by the small room in the back room. They were.

A couple of days ago I spoke to Andy who was home from work. He never calls out of work cuz he can’t entertain himself with things to do, as I can. Right away when he called me, I could tell he was miserable. He said he’s never been under such stress and anxiety before which was doing a number on him physically, too. Nerves will do it. I should know. So, later on I’ll write how I helped him which made me feel very good since I was once in his shoes and know what he’s going through!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1995
Got a postcard from Alex yesterday. Of course his handwriting was barely legible. Tom even had trouble reading it. He sounded like Bob at one point when he said, “I still believe I’m here!” He forgot the “can’t.” I don’t know whose letters are funnier - Bob’s or Alex’s.

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Last updated June 11, 2024