March 1994 in 1990s

THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 1994
Tom’s finishing up dinner. He made us pork chops and tater tots.

Had a great talk with Dad today.

That’s about all that’s happening.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30, 1994
Oh, this is just lovely. Next door, there’s a car in their driveway as well as a van on their front lawn. There’s a ball game going on now that includes other kids who don’t live there. They’re all dressed up, so hopefully they’re going somewhere. Maybe Lenore had her 5th kid or it’s cuz Easter’s coming, but I’m sure it’ll be a zoo till it gets really hot.

Why me? There are tons of elderly couples on this street, so why couldn’t they live next to me what with these houses so close? Why did God have to put Mormons next to me? What’s he trying to tell me? It’ll be years before we move, so how many kids will be there then? 10?

Well, for now I have the radio really loud, cuz if they aren’t going, it’ll be crazy there all day. Also, if they’re going to have company for a while, they’ll keep their dog outside 24/7.

I’m going to go out back and see if I hear anything out there.

Later…

I think I’ve finally figured out why I haven’t gotten any letters from Bob. He probably never had it written down and with him and can’t remember it. I called Kim today who said he made remarks about possibly sending it to the wrong place. While she was on the line, I called and got the PO Box number. Tomorrow I’ll mail out a letter to him. I enclosed an address label which I stuck on the letter as well as the envelope and also my phone number. Hope to hell he gets it and I get a reply.

Kim says there’s still some snow and they’re due for more. Ha, ha!!! Tammy says it’s 40° there and they’re firing up the woodstove. Ha, ha!!! Today it’s 85° and I’ve had the EC on all day.

Luckily, they shut up next door as quickly as they started. I have a good feeling that the hotter it gets, the less I’ll hear of them. They really are quiet 98% of the time. It’s just the old memories of the NHA that the ruckus triggers. If I began with the NHA all the way on up to this place and did a chart of the noise percentage, it’d look like this: NHA - 100% noisy, Vista Ventana - 80% noisy, Crystal Creek - 60% noisy, here - 15% noisy. If it weren’t for this fan, though, I’d be woken up 7 out of 10 times. This fan’s great, although it’d be hopeless in the NHA. Even hopeless in the Vista Ventana cuz the whole building shakes. The kids shook the building in the NHA and in the Vista Ventana, the butch rocked the place. Andy’s thunderous footsteps too.

Kim says she’ll be sending a letter soon. Cool, Book of Letters #7 needs it. Of course, I love getting letters, anyway.

Tom will be home very soon and soon, I’ll be hitting the sack.

Gotta go set the VCR.

Later…

OK, I set it for Unsolved Mysteries, Law & Order, and Now. It looks like for once Law & Order could be a new one. Unsolved is a repeat as usual, but they sometimes have updates on old cases. Now will always be new.

I left Tom a note asking him to please tape a movie for me on my old shitty VCR in his bedroom. The nice thing about it is, though, that if you record something on it, it’ll play fine on the living room VCR. If you play it back on the other one, it looks and sounds like it’s under water.

God, it’s warm in here. I’ve had the EC blaring up high all day and it reads 82° in the living room. It’s cooler in my room, though. That’s where there’s a lower, longer awning outside one of my windows where the sun faces west.

Damn. I forgot to call the Civic Plaza for more information about seeing the Judds, or whichever one’s going to be there. Tomorrow I will, as this won’t be happening till April 9th and 10th. It’s not a Phil Donoghue talk show, I guess, but a women’s expo.

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 1994
Not much happened yesterday. I fell asleep at 5 PM, therefore, I couldn’t see the look on Tom’s face when he walked into his room. I straightened it all up.

I forgot to mention that I tried to call Jessie in W. Springfield. Both numbers I tried were wrong. I called information and there’s no Jessie or JS in the whole Springfield area. She either moved or has a phone in someone else’s name now.

I tried to call Cassandra, my old therapist in Deerfield. I got her machine and I left a message as well as my number.

Tom and I went out for almost two hours. I got my meds and 3 journals for $20.75. Now I have a total of 65!

Tom and I are out back now. Boy, is it hot!

No mail from Bob. Maybe he doesn’t have my address written down with him in jail and he can’t remember it correctly.

Andy told me that Michael Jackson joke yesterday and it was pretty funny. What do Michael Jackson and J.C. Penny have in common?

They both have little boy’s pants half off.

Another one goes: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickolotopus.

MONDAY, MARCH 28, 1994
Yesterday was lots of fun and I broke another “bed record.” For the first time yesterday, Tom and I were able to have full-scale penetration. It felt really nice, even though I could never cum by that alone with no stimulation. It really makes me feel more of a woman and less different, although, we’d both be fine if I never could’ve done it. Oral sex is my favorite and it always will be.

He’ll be getting up any time now and Andy’s off today. We may get together.

That’s all that’s been going on. Tom and I also have great talks and enjoy spending time together. It’s so amazing how this just keeps on getting better and better.

I have to call for my meds refill and that’s about the only thing I absolutely need to do today.

I basically give up, as far as getting any mail from Bob. I guess he’s a closed chapter in my life. For now, it feels that way.

Later…

Tom’s up now and he’s making us Hamburger Helper now. He’s quickly going to run to the store to pick me up cigarettes.

Doesn’t feel like it’s going to be cool out today. Earlier when I went to put the garbage out back it wasn’t too bad. Maybe I can get some color today. Then again, I’ll probably wait till I can swim. It’s too boring sunning and just sitting out there without being able to swim.

I have to go check the Hamburger Helper now, so I’ll write more later.

Later…

The Hamburger Helper was so good. Tom’s in the shower now and I’ll probably do some typing.

SUNDAY, MARCH 27, 1994
For the first time in my life, I’m letting someone read a whole entire journal. Yup, I’m letting Tom read the story in #61 (lesbian romance). He’ll die laughing, I’m sure.

Andy tried telling me I oughta publish some of my writing. Maybe do a short story for Echo magazine which is a gay magazine. Nope. Don’t think so. See, when I sit back and read whatever I wrote, I like it and understand it. However, I’m afraid others will just laugh. They haven’t yet, but I guess I’m just paranoid.

I went to bed at 3:30 PM and while I slept, Tom read it. Well, I guess he did. He said he was going to, but I can’t ask him now cuz he’s asleep.

If they’ve played their music across the street, I never heard anything. It’s been quiet since they played outdoors in the garage behind their house last Sun. That was probably a birthday party.

Evie and David sent an Easter card to “Jody” and Tom. How sweet, although no one ever spells my name right. Either way it’s spelled, I hate the fucking name, so who cares?

Andy left a message to call him cuz he has a great Michael Jackson joke. When I did try to call it was too late.

Got a postcard from my dad today which I copied into #57. Still nothing from Bob or Kim.

The weather was pretty shitty yesterday with rain. It was damp and yucky, but it cleared off. By Monday it’ll be back to the 80s.

SATURDAY, MARCH 26, 1994
So, what’s been going on here in Arizona? Oh, not much. In April I may meet Naomi Judd. She’s to be at the Civic Plaza with Phil Donoghue and some other actress whose name I can’t remember. It’ll probably be a long line, but I guess you get to talk to her briefly and get a picture taken with her and an autograph. I may check it out if she’s not here while I’m in Disneyland.

Still no mail from Bob or anyone else.

I spoke to Tammy who tried calling last night. It figures I’d miss her call. They’re expecting 2” of snow. Ha, Ha!

THURSDAY, MARCH 24, 1994
I just left a message on Andy’s machine. He called me last night at 1 AM, but I had the ringer off figuring no one was going to call so late. When the hell are they going to stop fucking up his schedule and put him on 2nd shift?

Anyway, I’m going to go now to watch more of the shows I taped, so bye for now.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23, 1994
I’m still up and Tom’s in the shower now getting ready for work.

I just finished helping him with the bills. He writes out the checks, then copies the check number and the check amount onto a piece of paper. I put the bill and check in their envelopes, then stamp it, and stick his address label on it.

What else is going on right now? Oh, not much. Just bumming around till I fall asleep. I’m going to soon have coffee and have a cigarette. Just what I need, huh? When it comes to trying to quit smoking, I never fail to fail. I quit trying to quit. Whatever will be will be and I’ll be a smoker forever, regardless of wanting to or not.

Later…

Got up at 5:00 today. When Tom came home I surprised him with a spaghetti dinner. He loved it. I even surprised myself. For someone who can’t cook, it sure came out yummy. See, I am sort of old-fashioned and there is a little tradition in me, as modern as I am.

I still haven’t gotten any letters from Bob. If I don’t in a month, then I give up. To hell with ever hoping my parents will ever write me, either. It seems they only write once a year.

I taped my shows, but Unsolved Mysteries wasn’t on due to some special, and Law & Order was a repeat.

TUESDAY, MARCH 22, 1994
I typed a letter to my parents, and still no letter from Bob. Kim got hers, so is there that one in a million chance that someone’s working there that doesn’t like me and has intercepted his mail to me? I doubt it. I mean, Bob would write to me, and he even told Kim he sent a second letter to me right after they had their visit. Maybe he wrote it right after their last bi-weekly mail run. Tom says that’s how it is in the military. Someone will get mail only every other week, but when they do, they get 4 or 5 letters. I hope this is the case.

I typed Kim a letter and played some card games. What do I want to do now? I have no idea. I would like to write more, but I’ve run out of things to write about. Guess I’ll have to think of another writing project for times like this, huh?

Later…

Had enough TV for a while, so I think I’ll go listen to music. After, I’ll try conking out. Before I do, though, let me just say that I’m so proud of myself. I made the best chicken wings ever. This time I not only put margarine on it but also garlic salt. It made the meat part cook better and more tender. Also, the skin was nice and crispy.

Well, till later or tomorrow!

Later…

I think it’ll be a while before I conk out.

Been meaning to mention the weirdest, yet pretty cool thing. I swear I hear birds chirping during the middle of the night. It’s the strangest thing. I’ll have to ask Tom about it, as I wonder what kinds of birds could be doing this and why. They certainly don’t do this in Massachusetts or Connecticut, unless there’s sunlight.

I just upped and threw on the EC to bring fresh air in. I love how it brings in the smell of the orange blossoms. They don’t really smell of orange, though, otherwise I’d hate it, cuz I hate both the smell and the taste of orange. Now it’s great in here after only a few seconds. It freshens the air quicker and better than opening up the place on a very windy day. It also filters out pollen. I’ve been tight lately and this really helps cuz if I didn’t know better, I’d swear I was outside in the fresh air right now.

I just heard Tom cough. I wonder if he’s up. He’ll probably stay in bed till 6:00 or 7:00 anyway.

It’s getting chilly in here so I’ll shut off the EC soon. My breathing’s much better now.

So, am I going to get a letter from Bob today, or what? I sure hope so.

I hope Fran decides to try calling me back when I’m awake and not busy. Maybe I’ll hear about Bob’s picture. He’s getting a very nice picture of a Mexican girl. When Andy was here, he brought the picture to send to him. Someone left it behind at Denny’s. Just to keep track, here are my “notes” on her. I wouldn’t want to get her confused with Sabrina. Andy named her Connie Wells. She’s 28, lives alone across the street from me, is a secretary at a lawyer’s office, has no kids, is from Texas, has 3 sisters and 2 brothers, and moved here when she was 18. If I mentioned anything else in my letter about her to Fran, then I forgot. I just said that I told Connie all about him and she liked what she heard. With my luck, he’ll say he wants to write to her and really mean it this time. As stupid as he is, he’ll never buy it if I give a million reasons why she needs to get her mail here. I could try saying, if it comes up, that she just got involved with someone very very jealous of her even having a long-distance pen pal, but I doubt it’ll work. Maybe I oughta bring it up before he does in my next letter to him. This way it’ll sound less of a cover-up excuse if he asks for an address.

Damn, in 7 hours I’ve written 14 pages! I’ve been in my writing mood, so I remembered the little stuff to write about for now.

The lettuce is growing, but the carrots are taking their sweet time.

Later…

Tom and I went to Petsmart earlier. I got more pellets and the same plastic ball I had when I had the two mice. So far, he doesn’t like it like the mice did. He just sits there. I guess it’s a little too small for him.

I also got two journals.

When Tom went to the grocery store while I was asleep, he got some sticks of different colored clay. I’ll have to come up with some clever idea for them.

I also got a birthday card for Dad.

Fran left a message and I called him back. He wants to move out here. What else is new? I told him about Connie and he never did mention Bob’s picture.

MONDAY, MARCH 21, 1994
I awoke at 4:00 once again. Late last night, till 7:00 this morning, I sort of felt lousy. Due to the rain, which I’m not as used to anymore since that’s a rare occasion here, I felt shitty. I was very very tight.

Last night, though, I went to print out address labels for my parents and Kim, but the printer fouled up on me. Therefore, I handwrote 12 envelopes with 12 different labels they haven’t seen yet. I do believe I mentioned this, come to think and remember it.

Fran called today before I woke up. Tom answered his call, then he left a message. I tried calling him twice but he was busy, so he’s going to have to call me. Also, if he gets me, he does. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t.

At about 5:00 this afternoon Tom and I went to JB’s for dinner. It was good.

Just as we were leaving, they were playing, or so I thought, across the street. Very loud. It was still going on at 7:30 when we got in, so I called. His mother answered and the weird thing was that where she was was quiet. I guess the house behind her was playing in their garage, as there was a party. That was cool, and she sounded nice. When I hung up I put my music on and turned it off at 8:45 and it was quiet. That was easy enough to deal with.

So afterward, I watched TV, typed letters, played my computer card game, and ate more. I tried to do some scanning, but I couldn’t get it to work to save my life.

I hope I get Bob’s letter today. Kim called yesterday and she had just gotten a letter from him. We both never got that first one he wrote us both a few weeks ago. Guess we never will get it. Kim said he wrote and sent me a letter the same day he sent hers.

Later…

Between April 17th and 22nd, we’ll be going to Disneyland for 1-2 nights. However, somewhere in July or August, we’ve decided that Vegas would be a great place to be married.

It’s weird, yet fine with me, that I don’t look as white as these pages. Why? Who knows. I haven’t exactly been out in the sun these days.

I also forgot to mention something else for about a week now. According to the DES book, yes we possess higher chances of fertility and miscarriages, but they also made it sound like it’s very far from impossible. Still don’t know if I’ll want to try in ‘96, but we’ll see, as it’s still quite a while from now. Also, Tom and I are less convinced that my ear has anything to do with the DES and surer that I do ovulate. The book, along with the doctor, mentioned thinner, runnier discharges mid-cycle. Well, I most certainly have that.

I’ve got a few things I want to mend and hem on my new sewing machine. Let’s see, what do I want to do? A pair of panties, my white shorts, and I know there’s more. Oh yes, the pockets of my cut-off jeans.

Later…

Fell asleep at 5:30 this morning. Got up at noon, then fell back asleep an hour later till 5:00.

When Tom got home he tried to scan my journals and even he’s having trouble with it, so something’s wrong.

I may have mentioned a while back that they’re eliminating Tom’s job at AMEX, so he put in for another job at another department. If he gets it, he’ll work 8-hour shifts for 5 days a week.

Anyway, our trip to Disneyland may have to be pushed ahead or back a little, but we are going.

Tomorrow at 10:00 he has an appointment with the mortgage company about that $65,000 loan.

I’m recording the Oscar Awards now, but for the most part, it’ll be boring.

SUNDAY, MARCH 20, 1994
Earlier Tom and I were talking about possible dates to be married. I said that in a way I wish it were now 1995, then we could go for April 9th, the day we met. So, eventually, he came up with an idea. He asked me, “When was the first time we went in the middle?”

I thought at first he meant when he got in there, finally. Well, he meant orally, as sex is sex, and sex comes in all ways and forms of variety. I looked back and he “got it in there” on January 12th, but the oral part was either July 28th, 29th or 30th. I think it was the 30th.

What type of wedding we’ll have and where is still a mystery. We both agree on one thing, though. Neither of us wants a huge wedding. Andy said he’s definitely going to be there, which is great. He went on and on about how great Tom and I are together and jokingly asked to be the bridesmaid and dress up as either Stevie or Madonna.

I finally got my last order of address labels and I really like them a lot. I already filled out the order form for labels for Tammy and Bill for their anniversary, even though that’s not until May 25th. I’m ordering them cat labels. I should’ve gotten those, rather than the gold-trimmed ones for myself. Anyway, I went ahead and ordered a set of these cat labels for myself. In August for my parent’s anniversary, I’ll order them a set of who knows what style and design.

My dad’s birthday is only about 15 days away. What shall I send him? Just a card as usual? How old is he going to be? I think he’ll be 63.

Tom’s mom gave me a bag of magazines. He was at his parent’s house while I was asleep. They really were of no use to me, but it was nice of her. There were two animal posters that I put up on the bulletin board. Also, two subscription forms I used for Nervous and Scott. There was a poster of a tarantula and that’ll go to Nervous.

The neatest thing she gave Tom to give to me were pastel chalk-like things. I did a fairly decent picture of a table with a bowl of fruit and a vase of flowers. Behind the table is a chair. Behind the table and chair is a big huge window with curtains. Outside the window, I drew mountains and the sky.

Later…

I just tried to print out address labels for Kim and my parents, but I fucked up somehow. So, I addressed them by hand which I also don’t mind doing. I used all different colors. There are about 12 address labels that Kim and my parents haven’t seen yet, so I gave them each one. Their next 12 letters will have different address labels.

I watched part of a movie I taped last night. So far, so good. Now I think I’ll listen to music for a while.

SATURDAY, MARCH 19, 1994
Boy, was I tired. I slept nearly 11 hours and didn’t get up until 4 PM today.

Last night was fun. Andy came over and did his laundry at 7:30. Tom didn’t get in till 9:00 and I was worried. He worked overtime. We were all laughing and joking and telling old and funny stories.

Still no letter from Bob. This makes me feel like someone’s intercepting his mail.

Tom’s working on the back room right now, and I’m kind of bored.

THURSDAY, MARCH 17, 1994
I just called Gina who remembered my voice and name after a couple of months. I asked if she could play One for One. I don’t know who does it, but I know Linda did it in the early 70s. I love the guitar in this guy’s version.

So anyway, here’s the news about Bob. Kim called me to tell me she saw Bob. He’s been transferred yet a third time. From Franklin County to Walpole, and now to MCI Concord in the Boston area. Who knows what MCI stands for? Must be Massachusetts Corrections Institute or something.

As she saw, and to no surprise, Bob looks terrible. Who wouldn’t in jail? He does have an appeal going through, but if it works, it’ll take quite some time. Hey, what else is new? But he said that even his lawyer swore up and down that he’d get off. He can’t get calls, but he can make them as long as they’re collect. He can also write and get letters. If I write to him, they don’t read the letter, but they do open the envelope, naturally, to be sure nothing’s in the envelope that’s not supposed to be. Kim said she sent us both letters a couple of weeks ago, but it’s going to take time. They only pick up mail from there every other week. Hopefully, I’ll get his letter within a few days, but he’ll get my letters faster than I’ll get his. Kim said that he’ll still get the letter I just sent to Walpole. Also, in his letter, there’ll be more information as well as his booking number.

If there’s any news that’s good that eases our fears, it’s that his one cellmate’s his age. Also, there’s been no abuse from the guards or any other inmate. True to what Tom said, he’s bored with tons of free time.

Is Gina going to fucking play my request, or what? She’s done this before and so far she’s played 3 other requests and they didn’t seem to come before mine. Fuck her then, if she doesn’t play it. I’ll request it from another DJ if I have to.

I’m going to go watch TV now and soon hit the sack.

Later…

Well, Gina did play my request, but I sure did not expect to hear me singing first. No wonder she asked me to sing a little of it. I thought it a little strange that she wouldn’t know the song, therefore, I had to sing some of it.

Tom got home a little while ago. Now he’s eating.

They’re playing now across the street and I can very barely hear it! I’m leaving him a thank you note tomorrow.

Later…

I just finished typing up the last letter of the day. Got a few letters going out. To my parents, Kim, Fran and Andy’s nasty customer.

Tom and I talked more about getting married. We’re still not sure of a month, date, or where. We discussed the pros and cons of getting married here, as well as in Vegas.

I’m surer that I want to marry Tom more than he’s sure I’m sure. I think he’s just jumping the gun, though, worrying about too many what-ifs, even though that’s perfectly understandable. I went through all my what-ifs too. Like, what if we get divorced like almost everyone else does? But, life’s about taking chances. His basic concern is that he’s positive about two things that he swears will happen and how I’ll feel about them and deal with them. He swears I’ll fall in love with a woman and it’ll be mutual. He’s not so much afraid I’ll leave him, but will it make me wish I weren’t married to him? I said I’d tell them it’s too late and that I’m taken. He says these words may be hard to stick by, but this can happen to him as well as anyone else. If this happens I’ll deal with it as best I can. Yes, I know I swore I’d never have a relationship or move here, but no woman’s going to love me. Not one I’d love back. As gay as I always have been and always will be, this isn’t meant to be. If it were in my cards to be with a woman, then I would’ve been. The relationship was, after all, meant to be, but not with a woman. Otherwise, Tom would be a woman. Anyway, it’s human nature to be attracted to multiple people, although Tom’s 100% sure I’m going to fall in love. Tom said this happened to him with his first wife and he had to go through the “Hey, I’m already committed” stage. I guess it was the type of love where he didn’t want to leave his wife, nor did he want to sleep with this other woman. I guess it’s just Murphy’s Law.

The other thing he swears will happen is that I’ll no longer get SS checks eventually and will make the same, if not more than he does, and that’s all wonderful with him, but what he fears is me wanting to venture back out on my own with the dough.

I’d only leave him if he turned out to be a no-good jerk. However, if I made not a penny or a million bucks, what’s that got to do with us? That won’t change my love for him. I want to share any victories I have or money I make with him. Not alone. I just want us to do our best, take one day at a time and hope it is forever.

Now, what the hell was that? I just heard some knocking sound, but I can’t tell where it’s coming from. Oh well, I’m going to go and watch TV.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16, 1994
Wow! Have I been having a fan-fucking-tastic day or what?! I may be interrupted by a call from Andy, but for now, I’ll get as far as I can. First of all, when I got up today at 11:00, I finished something I began last night. On 20 pieces of computer paper, I’ve done different abstract designs with the watercolor paints. Yup, it’s getting easier and I’m getting used to it little by little. I did do a cactus and a palm tree, but I mainly did designs like rainbows and similar stuff like that. Where did I put it when I finished? In the boarded-up window in the living room. Before the garage was built, you could look out at the window to W. Weldon. It looks so good there along with my collector’s plates.

Andy was going to come over here and do his laundry, but instead, he fell asleep with a headache, so maybe Friday. They’re remodeling the laundry room where he lives.

Tom sprayed out the room that’s part of the garage where the dryer is and gave me a spare key.

Got yet another set of address labels today and two more to go. They all should be here by Saturday.

The city came, free of charge, to paint the block wall that someone painted on. I haven’t seen it yet, though.

I have yet to get to the great news and the funny news, but I will soon.

Later…

Well, Andy’s been on the phone now for a while, so I’ll just wait till I hear from him. He wants me to read him the weird letter he wanted me to type to a very snotty customer.

I called and talked to Dad today. He sounded great and Ma was out playing bingo.

I also called Tammy who was really pissed and is having more problems with Lisa’s ex-friend Stacey. I guess Stacey beat up Lisa at school or tried to. Lisa’s afraid and has to be escorted to classes. Bill called telling the principal that he’d better guarantee her safety…or else! Tammy said she wishes she could get her hands on this 11-year-old and that she wished I could call her. I did and said what she told me to say - that Stacey better keep her hands to herself or else she won’t have any hands or mouth. I told Tammy, too, that if trouble persists, she can give me their address and I’ll send catalogs and whatever to them in NPN envelopes. I can also send them weird letters and when they see the Phoenix postmark, they’ll be thoroughly confused trying to figure out who hates them all the way from Phoenix.

It hit 87º here and that wonderful news is still yet to come!

Later…

Andy’s got company, I just remembered, so I read him the letter on his VM.

Tom should be home soon, but first I think he’s stopping off for some groceries.

OK, here’s my good news. Just as I was finishing up painting, I had the doors open, when there was a big boom for the second time. Luckily it wasn’t nearly as loud this time around. Then, fire trucks and cruisers went heading down towards that same alley from Claredon St. People came out to see what was up. Same with the heavy metalling teen across the street and 3 of his buddies. He asked if I knew anything, then we got to talking. Once we hit the music subject, I told him my honest feelings about it. He then said they practice every Thursday and gave me his number, saying that if it ever got too loud to call.

Great! And he did sound sincere enough, although I will still just wait and see.

I also had a nice chat with Lenore next door. Yup, they’re Mormons. She’s going to drop kid #5 anytime now, and they home-teach their kids. That explains why they’re always home. These people must have bucks to support so many kids, and how they all fit into a 3-bedroom house, beats me. She says she hates the heat here and plans to spend the whole summer in Idaho where she’s from. Dean will fly to her every so often. I asked her if she ever heard my music and she said no and asked if I could hear their piano. Nope, but even if I did, that wouldn’t bother me.

How do they fit a piano in such a small house?

TUESDAY, MARCH 15, 1994
Oh no, here I go again thinking of a kid. Where are these goddamn urges coming from? Especially when I know damn good and well it’d be the worst thing for me. For several reasons. Oh well, all I can do is fight it and ignore it. A baby isn’t in my cards. Not even if I weren’t sterile.

I didn’t get up today till 11:15, so I’ll probably be up till 3:00 or 4:00 just vegging.

Later…

There was a catfight outside a little while ago, but in the meantime, Tom and I had the best talk ever about us getting married and having a kid. Now I feel like I can easily deal with daily thoughts to have one, even though they’re not daily. They’re about 5-10 days out of the month. We’re going to discuss a date tomorrow, but we’re both so sure. I never thought I could want it to be forever and have that person want that, too. I never think about or worry if it’ll end in a year, or 5 or 10. All I know is one day at a time and how I feel right now. We’re also both trying to keep an open mind to any possibilities such as having a kid or whatever. We won’t say I won’t and we won’t say I will have a kid, but 1996 is the year we’ll think about it seriously. We’re not against those who have kids before, during or after marriage, but whether I do or don’t, 1996 is a good year to decide, although I still have mixed emotions about it and probably always will. Plus, there’s still a 90-something percent chance that I may be sterile.

Well, it’s off to bed now.

Later…

Got up at 11:00 today, then Tom and I went to the library. We didn’t look for the article, cuz the more we thought about it, the more we figure they won’t have it. Greenfield’s not a huge enough paper.

We did get a DES book. I only scanned through it quickly, but it looks like DES-related cancers aren’t as bad as I thought. However, sterility is most certain. If not, a miscarriage is. In a way, even though I’m sure a kid’s not in my cards, this is a bummer, cuz it’s taking away my options and freedom of choice for 1996.

After the library, he got a haircut which looks very nice. I went into Ross’s clothing store while he was getting his hair cut. For a total of $23, I got a melon-colored denim vest and a short sleeve sundress. At the hair salon, I got a bottle of that detangler.

From there Tom and I went to a buffet. The food would’ve been good if it weren’t cold. After eating we came home.

Later…

Tom called the mortgage company and he set up an appointment for Tuesday.

Right now he’s watching a video of Wendy’s vacation back in New Jersey and New York.

I took Piggy out back for a while and we sat in the swing. Now I think I’ll go sit out back for a while.

MONDAY, MARCH 14, 1994
I was just talking with Andy and we were discussing ways to keep out of trouble, yet still have some fun.

We just left Ellie a message whom we’ll want to see some night. Also, I wouldn’t be too surprised if Rosemarie was still there and I’d like to leave a note on her car. I wonder if Mark and Robert are still there, but this I highly doubt. I’m sure Scott moved a long time ago, too. People who make so many enemies so fast tend to move a lot.

I just had an idea. A good one, too. It’s been about the summer of ‘92 since I’ve copied conversations from tapes in here in script form. I can take Tom’s microcassette recorder, record some stuff, then put it in here. This thing can also rewind and fast forward while the play button is down. The old little portable cassette player I used to use for this is in the computer room and it’d be a pain to bring it in here.

Later…

Before I do some script form convos, and before Tom comes home, let me update the day’s events. Actually, it begins shortly after I last wrote.

I must’ve had massive gas, cuz my stomach was throbbing. It was pretty weird and a bit scary too. It all began when I sat down to watch TV. First I could feel it, then I looked down and my lower right side of my stomach was literally throbbing and pulsing. I was very nauseous too, and at one point almost certain I was going to puke, but luckily I didn’t have to. Is it something I ate? My meds? PMS? Tension cuz of the assholes across the street? Plus, I know it isn’t going to let up for another two months. Once these people start, they don’t stop. Next Thursday - Sunday afternoon they’ll be up to the usual shit.

Am I going to drop to my knees again and beg God to stop it? Nah, he isn’t done letting me listen to other people’s noise. Every weekend, I’ll just have to feel like and be reminded of apartment living. It’s almost like something up there’s taunting me with it. The more I want peace and quiet the more noise it throws at me. Not a peep, though, from next door. There’s no way they could’ve been home last weekend. No way at all.

Kim called with Bob’s address. Guess it is Cedar Junction prison in Walpole, bordering Boston. She’s going to try to see him at the end of the week. Tomorrow I’ll be sending off a letter and she’ll be doing the same. I sure hope he gets it.

Andy had a weird encounter with a customer at work, but I’ll write about it after I have a cigarette.

Later…

OK, so about Andy’s customer. He overheard a man and a woman talking. The woman said, “So, how was your visit with Jodi?”

The man said, “This is the second time and this time we talked a lot more. She really opened up and seemed so much happier.”

Andy said he had no gray hair. Also, we only saw each other once, but it sure was weird. He said he almost asked the man if his name was Larry.

SUNDAY, MARCH 13, 1994
Last night I fell asleep at 1:30 and awoke with upper stomach pains at 5:00. I’ve never really had upper stomach pains before and Tom said it could’ve been heartburn. I don’t know, but at least I’m better now. I fell back asleep at around 7:00 and got up just after 11:00.

Yesterday I began to be aware of my period on its way, so I’ll be dealing with that really soon.

Later Tom and I will be going grocery shopping. I’m not really looking forward to that, and today it’ll be mobbed.

It’s nice out today, but very breezy. I like that, though.

Even though I have an Abba CD on now, it’s quiet outside. I don’t think they’re home next door.

Last night I made Tom a tape of Sting and Meat Loaf with the new tapes. One of them, anyway.

Later…

I’ve got some very good news. Andy’s going to be starting 2nd shift real soon! He’s going to be calling back real soon. He’s packing now, as he’s going to Vegas for two days, the lucky fem.

Earlier Tom went grocery shopping and he got some watercolors. They’re a far cry different than a pencil or a marker, but I’m practicing. I touched up a so-so Gloria drawing and made it pretty nice. Nicer than I’d expected. I also typed letters to my parents and Kim.

That’s all for now.

SATURDAY, MARCH 12, 1994
Well, I’m still up, despite the fact that I don’t think I will be for too much longer. I turned down the idea of typing letters. I’ve got lots to tell everyone, too.

Come to think of it, I’ve gotten no calls from Fran or messages left by him.

Deep down, for curiosity’s sake, I wonder what is really going on in Nervous’s life. Is he still with Crystal? If so, how’s it going? I wonder who else he knows and what else he’s doing. That is, aside from working at the leather shop. I’ll never really ever know, now will I?

More so, I wonder how Bob’s coping with being in prison. Thank God he didn’t get in trouble while I was there. I sure needed him when Kim wasn’t around.

Tuesday we’re going to the library to look for Bob’s article in the Greenfield newspaper and perhaps pick up a book on DES.

Later…

I got up a couple of hours ago and I watched last Wednesday night’s show I forgot I had to finish.

It’s beautiful out now and so far it’s been very shockingly quiet. I don’t even know if they’re home next door.

Tom’s working now on the back room and I’m bored.

Later…

Tom and I finally planted our carrots and lettuce. In the back of this book, I wrote up a chart. This way we have the dates of when we plant things and what’s in each row.

It looks as if it might storm out there.

Next door’s been quiet, and if they’re doing their shit across the street, I don’t know about it. I have the radio on in my room and the living room, which also has speakers in the back room.

Oh, how could I forget! I’m 99 pounds and I don’t think I’ve been there for a few months.

Also, when I woke up I thought I was pre-cramping, but it was really gas. My tits don’t hurt, my stomach doesn’t hurt, and lastly, I’m not too bloated. I wish it could be like this every month.

Later…

Tom’s now watching the end of a movie I already saw on HBO. When he’s done, we’re going to fool around.

Yuck! I think I now feel some pre-cramps.

It rained a little out, so the garden oughta love that.

Later…

Tom and I just did a lot of work on the back room and it looks so much better.

I just cranked the music up as I’m sure that any time now they’re going to blast off. I’m not in the mood to be reminded of apartment living.

Got a message from Tammy. Going to go copy it in now.

FRIDAY, MARCH 11, 1994
I know it’s been a few days since I last wrote. Well, I’m sorry to have to say this but this journal’s going to be ending on a sour note. I do have some good news, and the bad news is nothing compared to my bad days back East, but it’s still bad enough. I have a few major subjects, then some little stuff to write. I’ll save the better stuff for last.

Did I, or did I not say my luck would run out with the assholes across the street? Well, it did. They played last night for nearly an hour and a half. I had been in a great mood too, and my mood was totally shot to hell. Tom says it’s too soon to worry, but I know it’s the same old cycle. They’ll do this 1-3 times a week now for months. Like 5-6 months before they back off for another 2 months if they ever do again. I refuse to deal with it all over again. I must think and act fast. Andy’s got to know someone who can do something. I can’t and I won’t deal with this shit all over again. Now the tension’s on once again. Only several months of peace can cure that, but I won’t get that peace unless I take serious action.

Now, I have one more, not-too-cool piece of news. Well, as for the cigarettes, well, we’re together till death do us part. I’ll just have to go young, but there’s no way I can ever get off them. Tom still says I will quit, and he’s been right about everything, so far, but I don’t see it.

Speaking of seeing things - I’m pretty good at picking winning horses. I’ll have to continue trying to develop it.

Cigarette break now.

Later…

OK, now on with the better news, among news in general. The kitchen’s more than half done. We tore down the paneling and Tom’s now repainting it off-white. Boy, does it look a lot better! Brighter and so much more cheerful.

I miscounted the days till my next period, thinking I was due on the 13th. I’m due on the 16th, but the great news is that I still feel no signs of it. I’m bloated, but my boobs aren’t sore and I have no pre-cramping.

Tom introduced me to another super neat thing on the computer. This thing that’ll either repeat back what you type or that’ll have a conversation with you. I taped one of our talks on a microcassette recorder of Tom’s. The bummer of it is, is that it doesn’t say what I type. Only its response.

Tom got out some of his musical instruments as he was rearranging the back room. A trombone, a trumpet, and a flute. I played a little trumpet for the first time in my life. You kind of have to spit into it to sound off the notes. It was hard, but I managed to sound off a few notes. The flute was easier and miraculously I was able to remember where certain notes are after so many years for one who didn’t play for long. Also, now that I have good pitch, I could tell what the notes were that I randomly keyed and played.

Last night, Tom and I sang some songs of Linda’s. He played the chords on the keyboard while I sang.

He also got a programming language thing that will save so much time on the business so we don’t have to stall in another 3 months.

Later…

There’s not much more to do with the kitchen and soon we’re going to work on the back room. Tom’s making himself something to eat, then we’re going to work on it.

Later…

Tom’s now hosing off a low/wide table that was here when he moved in. He’s going to put some of his books and equipment on it till we build wall shelves in the cubby hole at the far end of the back room. I’m going to be using a taller bookshelf that’s also of solid wood. The little wooden bookcase will replace the plastic ones my CDs and CD player are now on. I hate the plastic ones cuz they sag.

I called Kim last night and asked her if she’d found any information on Bob and where he is. Sure enough, just as I told Kim, Minnie never sent Kim the article about Bob in the Greenfield paper. Kim says she has the weekend off and will then try to find stuff out. Tom says it’s a matter of public record, which is true. Kim can find out at the courthouse where he is. Also, we may be able to see the article from our library here. That’d be nice. I’ll let Kim know of all this the next time I write her, but she probably will figure it out on her own.

Well, now I’m going to go see what Tom’s up to and if I’m needed.

Later…

Tom and I sure got lots and lots of work done in the back room. We’re on break now. He’s watching basketball and I’m lying on my bed.

We ordered dinner from My Mother’s. He got a pizza and I ordered a prime rib dinner, but it will probably be a while before it gets here.

Right now I want to change my sheets before it gets much later.

Later…

Boy, that was yummy! Plus, they screwed up in our favor. His pizza and my prime rib totaled about $19, but they charged us only $11. I’m so full now and I’m trying to burp it up as best I can. Perfect timing, though, cuz at 9 PM I need to take my meds.

After I finish this journal and begin the next one, I’ll probably listen to music.

Later…

OK, well, here I am on the last page! I just went back and put the color changer through all the pages I did today. Counting this page I’ve done 16 pages. Now it’s time for the one with all the cool stamps from all over the world. Journal #60! I really thought it’d be the year 2000 and something when I’d hit journal #60. Especially when I first began in 1987. I hate #50 just 4 months ago.

Later…

Tom’s going to bed in a few minutes and I am too, in a little while.

Tomorrow it’ll be another 80º day and Sunday it’ll be somewhere in the neighborhood of 85º.

Earlier I saw Marlee Matlin in Hear No Evil. I missed the first half-hour, but what I did see was good. It was also the first time I saw her topless.

Just when I thought my hair might quit growing for a while, it’s even longer. Just about touching the crack of my ass.

No concerts from across the street, thank God, but I still won’t hold my breath. Tomorrow and Sunday will be next door’s turn, although I’m not shocked I didn’t hear more of them last weekend.

I’ve got lots of new pens that won’t be drying up anytime soon, so I’m going to do each day a different color.

I asked Tom when he thought Bob would be able to write letters. He said maybe in a couple of weeks. I sure hope so.

TUESDAY, MARCH 8, 1994
Cool! I’m only 5 days away from my period and feel no signs of it. No pre-cramping, no sore tits, but I am a little bloated. Aren’t I always? Actually, though, I’m not as bloated as I normally am only 5 days away.

I wish it were almost time for me to go to the ACS class. I’m really looking forward to it and I want it to work sooo badly.

I think I’ll go watch the 2½-hour shows I taped.

Later…

I’m watching Geraldo now and next is Charlie’s Angels.

Tom’s leaving soon to go get paint for the kitchen. He’s also getting a sander.

Everyone has their hang-ups. I just hate to watch TV with someone else. I like to watch TV alone. That’s when I want my space like when I listen to music. But Tom won’t let me watch TV alone. He could be in the computer room, then only intend to come into the kitchen, but instead, he stops and watches whatever I have on. If I want to keep him in the living room forever, all I’d have to do is keep the TV on. Well, I did want him to see how I could do all of program 2 on one of my workout videos. So, I put it in the VCR and did it knowing he’d sit right there through the entire thing.

He said he hates talk shows. Well, he loves them now, cuz that’s what he’s watching.

Later…

Tom came back an hour ago with all kinds of things to do the kitchen with. He even got new kitchen faucets.

He’s about to make us bacon and eggs, then we’re going to go plant the lettuce and carrot seeds.

I wish it were time for me to go to my class now.

Still no mail from Kim today. I don’t know what’s taking her so long to send the article and find more info. I’ll send her a letter soon.

I got another collector’s plate under the name of Ann W. Had to be from Andy or Fran. It’s black Labradors and it’s nice. Now I have a total of 6.

Later…

Well, in 2 hours and 15 minutes, we’ll be leaving for the class. I hope for the best.

In the meantime, we dug up patches of dirt, shook the dirt out, and took the grass out of the area where we’ll be planting seeds.

I really miss Andy. I hope to hell he gets a night job somewhere soon. Second shift would be perfect for him and I know he’d want that much more than third.

He’s now on the phone talking to his friend Eileen. Me? I’m just bored as hell till I leave. Think I’ll go make myself some coffee now.

MONDAY, MARCH 7, 1994
I meant to write yesterday, and yes, I do have lots to update on. Today’s surely different from those hot days we’ve been having. It’s raining and thundering. I like the change, though, whereas back east, that’s all it ever does and you pray for a day without rain, let alone cold and snow.

This weekend was fairly quiet. No music and no steady hour-after-hour ball bouncing, although I did hear it a little. When I went to put my mail out, I saw their ball laying in their driveway. Part of me wanted to take it and ditch it somewhere, but I didn’t want to be seen. Plus, I’m sure they’d just turn around and get a new ball. Still, it’d be nice if some kid came by and took it.

I hope it rains this weekend and then I’ll have had enough of it for a while. I do look forward to the monsoon season, though. It’s awesome. Also, as it gets hotter and hotter, fewer people will be out.

Tom’s working now, but tomorrow he’s on vacation till next Monday. We expect to be very busy, but I’ll tell you what we do as we do whatever we do. Last Saturday we finally began to take down that ugly old paneling. Soon we’ll paint the whole kitchen an off-white.

I can’t remember all the things we did Saturday, but things have been OK. All except for the fact that my camera’s broken. I was so bummed out, too, as I took some really cool pictures.

Yesterday I skated for nearly 3 hours and I loved it. I skated around the pool and on the patio. It was so much fun and I felt very relaxed and confident. I really am an OK skater. I certainly wouldn’t dare do a triple axle with no coach, but I can spin and jump enough to have fun with it. Tom and I want to get rollerblades so we can go on the streets. This way I can do more and I can go fast. The two pairs of skates I have aren’t good for the streets. One little pebble can send me flying all the way to the Grand Canyon.

Well, Tom and I talked about my little consultation tomorrow and I canceled it. I hate going to the doctor and if I ever have surgery again, it’ll be to hear out of two ears or if it’s something necessary to save my life. Tom really thinks it would depress me and he’s probably right cuz then we’d never know for sure what’s in store for the future, even though we think we already have a pretty good idea. I never thought I could or would have a great relationship and be able to handle it, so who knows? I even mentioned it to my mom and even she said it was a big deal and gave me the impression that I should forget about it.

I feel like I’m forgetting something, but if I remember it, I’ll write it in.

No mail from Kim today, so I wonder what the delay is.

I hosed down the pig’s cage yesterday. It sure was nice just to take it a few feet outside the back door, rather than 4 flights up and down or in the bathtub.

The sun’s out now.

SATURDAY, MARCH 5, 1994
For the third night in a row, I got up at 1:00. The next couple of days I’d better sleep later. Tuesday I have a very long and very busy day. Tom will probably be up by 8:00 and then we’ll begin working on the kitchen. It’ll be a major task, but hopefully fun.

Well, I must first go and get myself a bite to eat as I am hungry.

Later…

I definitely have to cut down on being in the sun for a while. Yesterday I noticed small traces of the beginnings of sun poisoning on my stomach. How am I ever going to get a serious tan without getting sun poisoning? If I were to spend another day or two outside I’d definitely have it over my whole body, and it itches like hell.

Since I ran out of my shampoo I’ve been using Tom’s Head & Shoulders, and yuck! It reeks like shit. When he lays with me in bed, he leaves that stench behind on my pillow. Masculinity stinks, as much as I love this guy. He’s the only guy I’ve ever met, though, that doesn’t have BO. Thank God for that much.

I’ll have to ask him if he heard the heavy metallers playing last night since I was asleep. I’ve got the radio all set to go today as I’m sure they’ll be out front playing ball all fucking day today.

Today, we’re going to take down that old-fashioned, ugly, disgusting wall paneling. Tom’s going to fix part of the ceiling, too, and soon enough we’ll repaint the kitchen. The counter, sink and cabinets will be redone one of these days, too.

Later…

I’m bored now. I wish I were just waking up. There’s nothing I can really do till Tom gets up. I also have to really push myself to stay up as long as I can. The birds just woke up. I hear them chirping away now.

Andy left a message laughing over the same thing I was laughing about on his machine. It’s sooo gorgeous here, while they have 3’ of snow back east!

Well, I’m off to go brush my teeth now and put on a little makeup.

Wonderful. Here goes that beast next door.

Later…

It must’ve been someone else’s dog I heard, cuz after I last wrote, I didn’t hear anything.

Tom got up around 7:00 and we went grocery shopping. There, I got 3 pens. Pink, purple and blue.

After we got home, we started pulling off the paneling. While he went to get my meds, I yanked the nails out of the wall behind the pieces we already got out. He’s doing the ceiling repair now. I’ve got the fan on exhaust blowing out dust and crap like that as well as a Fleetwood Mac CD, so when the kids next door go out to do their thing, it should muffle it.

I hope I get mail today.

It’s going to be another hot one out there and I’m not going to hang out much today. If the pool was warmer, that’d be different, but without going out and opening the doors, I got my fresh air. The bedroom and bathroom don’t get much fresh air, so I can’t wait till the EC is set up. This way I can air it out daily for a little while, at least, till the EC is on all the time.

Later…

Tom’s taking a break and eating hot dogs I just made for him. Soon, he’s going to a friend’s house to fix their computer.

FRIDAY, MARCH 4, 1994
Got a letter from Alex yesterday. He’s back in Deadfield at the same address. Then, why’d he move to Illinois? Must’ve taken a long vacation there. Maybe today I’ll get another letter from Kim. Maybe this time it’ll have more information. Like an address and that article. Alex typed the letter he sent this time around, which was great. I had asked him to type if he could and if he had a typewriter cuz his handwriting is incredibly sloppy. Most deaf people type well cuz they’ve plenty of practice due to using the TTY system so much.

Later…

I really hate that when I’m very much in the mood to write but have nothing to say. I need a fun everyday project to keep me busy. I’m getting bored with just the stuff I already do. I’m just not in the mood to type letters right now. Besides, I’m going to wait till my new order of envelopes arrives. They’ll get here in a day or two. I’m not in the mood to veg in front of the TV now. Plus, nothing’s on. I don’t feel like editing, but I am hungry. I’ll go zap another piece of pizza.

Later I’ll work out and hang out outside as it’ll be 83º.

Later…

Today’s just as gorgeous as I said it’d be. I got even more color. The only thing not too peaceful was the dog next door. At least it didn’t keep going and going, though. The kids next door are out front. Why do they always go to the front? I’ve only heard them out back once or twice. This is good for when I’m out back, but when I’m in the house I’m at the front of the house most of the time.

I just checked and they’re gone now, thankfully. I think they got company. Some blue truck is now parked in front. This weekend, I’m sure I’ll have to listen to them play ball. The guy (Dean) just left in their red van. I just thank God the dog doesn’t go on and on like when they first got here. That our place isn’t attached to theirs. That the music people across the street have shut up and that the dog across the street is gone. I pray to God constantly not to let my luck run out. This is my time now for peace and quiet after so many years of being so affected by other people’s noise. I live in a house now. It’s my right just as well as anyone else’s right.

I just checked again. Those kids apparently were only out a second.

The scars from the NHA, Vista Ventana and Crystal Creek will be with me for years to come, if not always. At least it’s getting better. The longer I see this place fairly quiet most of the time, the more my tensions and memories will fade.

No one’s ever going to wake me up again. And if they do, I’ll be sure to give them a wake-up call in the middle of the night. I can promise this for sure.

I hope the mailman brings me a letter from Kim today. That is because my parents won’t write until next year, Fran and Bob never will, and Alex will write again in May or June.

Boy, do I ever need something to eat now. I think I’ll heat up the last piece of pizza. Tom got a few things from the store early this morning before work.

We’ve got huge plans for tomorrow, but I’ll get into that later.

Later…

I’m going to do a little bit of writing, so as to keep myself awake a little longer.

About an hour ago - boy did I have a big scare. I was watching TV when all of a sudden – boom! I asked myself…was that a gun? A firecracker? It even popped the mailbox open. I called 911, then eventually I looked out front. I saw nothing and the dispatcher said a transformer could’ve blown.

After we hung up, people outside were talking about it and two guys driving by in a car asked me if I knew anything. Then a female cop that looked like a lesbian came to the door. She was a better-looking version of Linda the cab driver back in Springfield. She wasn’t the ugliest, but no one I’d ever sleep with. She was nice, though. She at first asked if I knew any drug dealers around cuz maybe a drug lab blew up, but it turns out that someone blew up the dumpster in the alley behind the houses across the street. Boy, if we lived over there, or they blew up ours in our alley while I was out back there, I’d most certainly be deaf.

No mail for today.

Tomorrow we’re going to start working on the kitchen, but I’ll put off writing about that one till tomorrow.

THURSDAY, MARCH 3, 1994
I got up at 1 AM and Andy left a message saying he wants his messages taped. He got the same message I got. US West says that this Sunday from midnight - 9 AM, the VM will be shut down so we can’t get our messages and no one can leave us messages, either. I wonder what the hell they are doing this time? They better not fuck up the system, though, or bump off the stutter dial tone that tells us we have messages.

Now, I’m going to go and continue watching my shows. I’m so fucking hungry too, but there’s hardly any food.

Later…

Well, I managed to scrounge up a hamburger and I had a bowl of cereal. Later I’ll make pork chops.

I taped Andy’s messages, called in my refills and scheduled an appointment for a consultation on a hysterectomy.

Boy, do I feel mixed emotions. When I hung up I felt a sense of depression and fear, but I know I’m doing the right thing. The thought of being held up in the hospital is scary, though, and I don’t want to burden Tom. I hope those scary stories of depression aren’t true, but everyone’s different. It won’t hurt to at least get information. I think it’ll be a worthy investment for the years to come. I can’t keep dealing with PMS and periods. Well, I could, but I sure don’t want to. Also, I can be able to go from 100% sure I can’t and won’t have kids to 200% sure. I hope it’ll curb my sexual appetite, too.

Later…

I almost chickened out several times and called to cancel my appointment, so I’m just trying not to think about it for now.

I am absolutely looking forward to checking out those quit-smoking sessions next week. I can’t wait.

I’m also looking forward to hanging in the sun out back in about an hour. It’s boring, though.

Tom warned me that I should stop blasting my music, but that’s the only way I really enjoy it and can get into it. Turning it down seems as impossible as my growing another foot taller. He says my hearing sucks. Nah, I don’t think so. It’s just so-so, but yes, it does suck when there’s background noise, like in a restaurant.

Oh! I’ve been meaning to write this in but I keep forgetting. God answered another prayer for me. For a couple of months now, the dog across the street has been gone. Yeah! I love it! It’s so much quieter and more peaceful when I’m in the living room with no TV or music on and especially when I’ve got the door open. The dog next door is so much quieter, the kids aren’t out very often, gone is the dog across the street and gone is the heavy metal band! Thank you, God! You did hear my prayers, after all. Now, please help me quit smoking for good.

I’m out back by the side of the pool now and yes, it’s going to be a warm one. It already feels warm and it’s still early. Where’s the cloudiness they predicted, though? I like it when it’s cloudy so the sun doesn’t kill my eyes.

Later…

Well, I did get some color and this is the warmest day so far this year that I remember of. If I stayed out much longer I’d definitely fry. Tom’s right. I have to do it little by little.

Damn! I just noticed my $300 check here that Tom forgot. He was to cash it at lunch.

So, anyway, I have the door open and the fans on to circulate the air. It’s sooooooooo beautiful. And Tammy’s freezing with 3’ of snow. Ha, ha, ha!!

What other little tidbits of news can I tell? Let’s see… I showered and did my hair. I need more shampoo. My legs are a little hairy, but I don’t feel like solving that problem now.

I watched parts of some talk shows and Charlie’s Angels.

The sink’s clogged up once again.

I hope the mailman isn’t too long in coming and that I get a letter from Kim with more information. Getting one from Bob is just wishful thinking and dreaming, I suppose.

Just took an Ibuprofen for a slight headache. Luckily that stuff is cheap and doesn’t cause any side effects to have to deal with.

I worked out a little and I should do more.

I’m 10 days away from my next period, so now is when I’m going to start to bloat out.

I haven’t done any wall art lately, but I will sooner or later. All the things I do have their phases. I have to think of new ideas and add more variety to the flowers. Being just your average artist, though, that’s not always such an easy thing.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2, 1994
Tom’s in the shower now and soon he’ll be gone for work.

Yesterday was a beautiful day and I laid out and got some color.

When I got up at 10:00 last night I watched the Grammy Awards I taped. Gloria won for her album Mi Tierra and she looked good. Her hair’s growing back, but when I saw her on Larry King she looked great. I loved how she had her hair straighter and it made her look younger, too.

When I woke up my stomach was fine, thankfully. It sure is weird though, how I get that for a few days every now and then.

I typed up 5 letters, too. To my parents, Tammy and the girls.

Almost an hour ago, Tom and I went to Circle K. We got something to eat and drink and I got cigarettes.

Speaking of cigarettes, well, it’s hard to keep a positive outlook when you’ve tried several methods of quitting and they all failed. However, I’m going to call the American Cancer Society and see what they say.

I’m also going to call my doctor’s office to see if there’s any way I can get a hysterectomy. I want to at least get information. I know it’s not elective surgery, as Tom said, but I’ve seen several news documents on women who had it done when they never needed it. Doctors will do anything to make a buck. I know this firsthand. I know some women have claimed to have horrible side effects, and Tom’s sister does too, but every woman’s different. I just don’t think it’s fair for me to have periods when I’ll never have a kid, even if I weren’t sterile.

It’s going to be another gorgeous day, so, I can’t wait to go out.

Later…

I have excellent news. First of all, it looks like I can probably get a hysterectomy done and paid for. I called my doctor’s office and they said I could either go there or to my GYN (guess that would be Dr. Kolnick) for a consultation. I guess the state would cover it cuz it’s considered sterilization. I’ll talk to Tom and perhaps we can check it out. Maybe after April, cuz this is when he thinks we can go to Disneyland.

Now here’s the best news of the day. I called the American Cancer Society and every other month they have 4 quit-smoking classes free of charge! They begin at 6:30 and run for 1-1½ hours. The next 4 classes are on the 8th, 10th, 15th and 17th and I’m really looking forward to giving it a shot.

Hey, it’s noon Eastern time now, so I want to go try calling that girl Minnie. Hope she and everyone else is thrilled at the fact that they’re in for yet another killer snowstorm! Hee hee!

Later…

It sure is beautiful out and I did lay out some, but it’s just so boring. Especially with not being able to swim. The only thing I miss about apartments is that their pools and Jacuzzis are heated year-round. I did get a little more color, so I won’t bitch about that.

I tried calling Minnie, but there was no answer. I’ll go try again.

Just got another letter from Kim. There was no article in it and this letter also sounds as if she had yet to find out about Bob.

I finally got in touch with Minnie, but she didn’t tell me anything I don’t already know. She couldn’t give me his address.

Later…

I just watched this talk show all about teenage girls in gangs. How sad, sick and disgusting.

I set the VCR to record A Current Affair, Unsolved Mysteries, Law & Order and Now. I really paid close attention as I was programming it, so if it doesn’t come out, I won’t be to blame.

Andy’s off tomorrow, so we’ll probably gab on the phone with one another at some point.

I’m pretty bushed now, so I’m going to hit the sack.

TUESDAY, MARCH 1, 1994
Tom’s address labels did come yesterday and he really likes them.

I got up at 8 PM and he’d been home for an hour. He made us Hamburger Helper. Then he watched Star Trek and I took a bath. Then he licked my pussy and we did laundry. At 11 PM he went to bed.

I idiotically taped the wrong fucking channel. I went to record a movie on channel 12 but got fucking Murphy Brown and some other bullshit on channel 10 instead.

I took some graph paper Tom gave me and made two envelopes. One to Kim and one to Fran. I colored in the squares. I typed Kim a letter and tomorrow I’ll probably get a letter from her.

I updated my checkbook. This month I’ll be getting $446 with SSI and SS combined. I got Tom’s $300 check ready. Also, I wrote a check for $10.79 for my monthly sewing machine payment, $34 for 100 stamped envelopes, and $22.80 for 3 new styles of labels. They’re very hard to describe, so when I do get them, I’ll stick them in here. Or the next book, more likely. Cuz they won’t arrive till the middle of this month and by then I very well oughta be in journal #60!

Now I need some coffee.

Later…

I just spent the last hour or so making up 5 more envelopes with really cool patterns. I did one for my parents, Tammy, Lisa, Becky and Sarah.

My stomach’s driving me absolutely nuts now.

Anyway, Tom got up at 8:00 and then he did the bills. He wrote out the checks and I stuck them in their envelopes, stuck the stamps on and his address labels.

He made us some bacon and he had French toast.

Well, I’ve figured out in my mind the 4 different fonts I’ll use for Tammy and the girls. I’ll use Bodacious for Tammy, Harquil for Lisa, postscript for Becky, and Rounders for Sarah.

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Last updated June 09, 2024