February 1993 in 1990s

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 1993
I came up with a bright idea on how to get Ellie’s number. That is, only if she doesn’t have the Caller ID block on her line. I’ll leave her a note saying I just discovered I have two bowls and a glass of hers. Also, Fay came by and gave me a few things to give to her. Please do not knock on my door, call me and I’ll leave the stuff by her door. When I go to post this note on her door, I’ll make sure I get her apartment number so I can write her a beautiful letter after I’ve moved.

I saw Ellie today as I was on my way to mail a letter. She looked horrible and at first, I didn’t recognize her. She looked like maybe she gained a bit of weight. Her face looked all puffy, haggard and depressed. She was getting into a car with a younger girl, maybe her daughter. Her hair looked pretty pitiful too.

Andy’s gonna let me sleep at his place this weekend as the bitch next door’s noisy as it is and now a guy’s moving in down below me. I knew my luck would eventually run out. I can stay at Andy’s whenever I need to till I move and maybe Scott’s too.

I informed Judy today that there’s an 85% chance that a guy’s gonna take over my lease. Scott’s roommate.

Oh, yeah! That’s right. I have yet to mention all about my new apartment. Well, I’ll do that later as it’s definitely one of the subjects that are gonna take some time to cover.

Guess who began working where I work last Wednesday? Kara’s sister Stacey. It’s a surprise, but then again it’s not. She does seem like the type who’d do this job. She told me not to tell Kara. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to tell Kara cuz I don’t like to go behind people’s back and end up going back on my word. I know exactly how that feels. Then again, Kara would be the last one to freak out about it and she was gonna work there herself if she had been hired. Plus, Kara could keep a secret.

I’ve decorated tons of envelopes and they sure look cool. I sent Tammy a pamphlet on my new apartment. When I move I’ll get one to send to my parents, too.

Scott says there’s a big black friendly cat there and he’s keeping it. I said, “It’s mine! I want it.” No problem, he said, and he’s gonna get it neutered and declawed. This is great as I thought to myself how great it’d be if I found the “right stray” after moving. What I mean by that is a cat like Shadow or Moon Shadow. Not like those two, Dennis took me to get through the paper and Dennis’s brother’s friend’s cat that screamed non-stop.

Last week I did something I’ve wanted to do for a long long time. I’m gonna do this at least once a month. Barbara still keeps her ringer off during the night when they’re asleep. I called on a weekday at 6:15 AM and her son Tony answered. I had the flu at this time and it was even easier to disguise my voice. I said my name was Kathy and that I was very sick and needed to speak to Barbara. Tony said she wasn’t up yet which I was very glad to hear. I told him to get her on the phone anyway as it was very urgent. He did. She said hello in a very sleepy voice. I spit really loud and hung up.

Little does she know that I’m still (unfortunately) being woken up here and there even though it’s nowhere near as bad as there. At first, I was afraid to do this, thinking God would surely get me for it somehow. Then I said, now wait a minute! I still get woken up here half the time and I’ve been behaving and being a complete sweetheart. I really hope it’s over when I move and that for the first time in nearly 3 years, I’ll be able to sleep when I want to with no music. Music is for listening to, not for sleeping. At least that’s how I feel. I want to return to those days of being able to sleep in total silence.

About two weeks ago I called the office and really let Stacey have it, but I think she got a big kick out of it. So many people love it when I go off cuz of the choice of words I use and how I say them. People get a real kick out of me when I first wake up. At fucking 9:00 in the goddamn morning, they had the parking lot sweepers here. I ripped shitting pissed. I called the office and asked what the hell was going on. I thought they were mowing again and she told me what it was and that she had to have them there once a month. I said something like, “I gotta get out of this complex. I’m outa here! OK, bye!” and she said, “Bbyyyyeeee.” I’m sure she got a real kick out of that. I could swear she was trying really damn hard not to burst out laughing. I’m sure all 3 of them and maybe even the maintenance guys were cracking up about it and that they wish they had it on tape.

About two weeks into my job, a girl named Shelby quit who was very nice. I’d given her the apartment office number here in case she wanted to check it out. I did tell her, though, that the walls are too thin and that there are plenty of screaming kids after school and on weekends cuz you know damn well they’re not gonna tell her that at the office. No thanks, she said. She also said she was not sure if she was gonna return to Reno or stay here. I gave her my number, then forgot all about her till she called and left a message. She’s managing a place where they do topless, nude and private dancing with top-notch security. She really wants me to work for her. I’ve got her on hold.

When I move I’ll be 20 minutes away from work. Steve says he’ll still drive me home and flat rate me $5. That’s nice, but I’d really like to find a place closer to where I’ll be living and also where I may make more money.

Last night Andy and I went to the Valley West Mall and I got my picture taken. Next Friday I have to go over my proofs.

While I was there I got some killer clothes. A short pair of orange shorts with orange fringes off the bottom around the thighs. It also has a black ring buckle-like thing at the front of the waist with diamonds around it. At first, I thought my thighs would be too big for them, but it’s actually very slimming on me. I also got a gorgeous red shirt. It’s got open shoulders, so to speak, with colored glass stones around the chest area. I got one other shirt. It’s a black silk-like half-shirt with ruffles and white daisy flowers across the chest. The two shirts and the shorts cost $28. I also got a pair of very comfortable black pumps for $10. They’re 3” high. Lastly, I got 4 very nice journals, so now I have a grand total of 44. They cost me $30.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1993
I have a million things to write about, so I’ll get started. Kara’s leaving tomorrow with a friend to Vegas for two weeks. She said she’d write. Tomorrow I have to call channel 10 to try to get a tape for Andy. I also must call Laurie to bring me to work and Steve to let him know I’ll need to be picked up.

It’s gonna be really hard to get up tomorrow since I slept till 7:00 this evening.

Andy’s party went over well and tomorrow is his day off. I really hope he doesn’t wake me up. He picked up another CD by Linda for me. Canciones di mi Padre. I also got a CD I ordered by mail called Instrumental Magic.

Earlier Fran tried to call me while my ringer was off, but I guess he spoke to Andy. Andy left him and Fran talking on my machine and I guess Fran mentioned Tracy staying at LaRagione’s. I was there as a foster kid of Harry and Ann B when I was 16.

I’ve called Nervous a few times and I called Kim once. Bob, of course, still has no phone. I just sent him and everyone else I know a letter.

I’ve told Tammy and my mom about the latest news with Capitol Records. I’ve also sent Mom and Dad a tape. I edited their message when they got sick.

Scott took me to the ER last week and I have forms to give them at work. I never made it to the doctor’s today, but at least I got my refills and am over the flu. It sure does feel good to be back from the deathbed. That was my first flu in a year. The last flu was when I was in CT.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1993
I fell asleep yesterday morning at 8:00 and got up at 12:30. My flu was worse today, but now it’s better, thank God.

Today, or yesterday I should say, was Andy’s 31st birthday. He got cards from family and friends as well as phone calls. At work, a girl made him a cake. He gave me some and it was good.

He had to go to a friend’s house and he stopped at the store for me which was nice. He got me something called Drixoral and it’s helped a lot. He also got fruit juice and popcorn for me. I had a raging fever and was very congested in the chest. My back was so sore, achy and tight, but the Drixoral helped.

Even at 27, I still feel the need to call Mommy when I get sick. When we kids were sick, as well as with our material needs, Mom was great. She’s still sick too, and has been for two weeks.

Andy thanked her for sending me to Phoenix.

We also called Tammy.

I called the phone company today and they had just gotten my $50 deposit for Sprint. Today I should have long-distance, but I do have my caller ID. Andy and Laurie are getting blocks, so I won’t know when they’re calling.

I called the doctor’s office and the soonest they can get me in is next Monday at 4:15. I called Omar’s and told this to the woman who answered.

Tomorrow night Andy’s having 10 people over for his birthday party. I’m not looking forward to that with the way I’m feeling, but anything’s better than his sister and nephew.

I fell asleep last night from 10:30 - 1:00 AM and I hope to fall asleep soon.

The drugstore will be delivering prescriptions tomorrow. The nurse at the doctor’s office said she called in something.

Tonight I’m supposed to get together with Scott, but we’ll see how I feel. Maybe I’ll have him stop up here.

Two nights ago Andy and I called Nerv. I spoke for the first 10 minutes, but he was boring. Then when Andy started talking he became totally silent but never hung up till we ditched him 15 minutes later.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1993
Around 6 AM yesterday morning I began to have a slight sore throat. Miraculously, I slept solidly from 8 AM-4 PM. When I awoke I knew I had a cold. I called the bar and was given Omar’s number (the owner). Some woman answered saying I may have to show a doctor’s note or be fired unless there are enough girls. I do need to get in to see my doctor anyway, but I don’t know how soon I can. Paying a fine is out of the question and they have way way way too many girls on. Why is cuz 16 out of Omar’s 17 bars were shut down. It was a 1-year court order for tax evasion. He could’ve afforded it, he just didn’t pay it and I heard he practically pulled the $150,000 he owed right out of his pocket. The guy’s filthy rich and lives in Paradise Valley in a 4,000-square-foot house, so he doesn’t need my fine. What it is is that people are greedy even when they already have millions. The dancers make enough money to be fined, whereas the bouncers and everyone else don’t. Yeah, I’ve heard strange stories about Omar, but hey, he’s a fucking Arab so I’m not surprised.

I just pray to God that whatever I have doesn’t get any worse. I need to work next Wednesday. Why couldn’t this have happened before I got this job? Mom, Dad, Tammy, Andy have all gone through this and I guess it’s my turn. First time in a year, though, luckily.

Earlier this evening, it was Kara to the rescue. She came over and whacked my back to help bring the goop up. She and I made popcorn and listened to about 15 minutes of tapes of Nervous, Fran, Andy and me. I knew I had to lay low to try to beat this cold, but you know I can’t sit still. I’ve never had a cold, yet been so good mentally if you know what I mean. All my other colds and flues, I was stuck in Norwich, Crackfield or Deadfield. Isolated or surrounded by dope heads, fires, and people slamming the walls. Or in Valleyhead, Brattleboro, or home. I even forced myself to sing as a last resort to this having to worsen. Music’s my medicine.

Andy came over and I gave him some money I owed him for long-distance calls on his phone. I also showed him some awesome envelopes I decorated.

He picked me up (with my money) a CD of Linda’s called Prisoner in Disguise. There are lots of old songs I love to sing on there.

His friend Adam from Springfield sent two out of the 3 Amy Fisher movies. I’d seen two of them, but Andy saw only one. It’s all about this 17-year-old girl obsessed with a married man that shoots his wife, who survives. It’s a true story.

It sure was funny seeing all the old familiar news people during news updates. The emergency weather bulletin was saying how roads were sheets of ice, it was freezing cold rain, the snow turned to ice and there were multi-car pile-ups. I saw all the footage during the weather updates and laughed.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1993
I cut $134 tonight! This sure makes up for the 3 days I worked before this. It was dead. I only made between $50 and $80.

Monday I should have my long-distance service and my Caller ID. They delivered the Caller ID box a few days ago. I programmed my phone with new phone numbers. I also took out old numbers. Such as Dennis’s and Randy’s. Randy apparently moved. These are the people’s numbers I’ll have: Andy, Laurie, John, my number (for when I page people) Fran, Nervous, Tammy, Mom and Dad, voice messaging, my code, Scott, Dr. Kareus, the apartment office, Kara, Mary, bank, Stephanie, my account number, my social security number, Velma and work.

Tim said Angie and Vicki decided not to call me back cuz I am only looking for one-nighters. This is so weird. I can understand the fear of AIDS, but very few people want or can deal with a relationship any more than I can. Everyone’s into sex and fun. Also, so many others, like me, can’t deal with the shit involved in relationships and they don’t want to be tied down. Do I lie and tell people I want a relationship? Then dump them even if it hurts them cuz that’s life? You win some, you lose some. Then again, I know I’m not destined for even a one-nighter for years.

Later…

So much for trying to go to sleep. I really wish I could, though, cuz of the bitch next door. On the weekend (especially Sundays) it sounds like the bitch is shooting basketballs off the walls. I’ll also have to deal with her on Monday cuz it’s President’s Day. Well, like I said, if I can’t sleep on Sundays, she can’t sleep at 2 AM on Mondays.

Last summer while I was still in the first-floor apartment next to Mark, Andy got a note on his door. It definitely looked like a female wrote it, but it said it was a gay, free male who’d seen Andy a lot at the pool. They wanted to meet him and said to leave a reply taped to the fire extinguisher. Back then he suspected Mark and his girlfriend Michelle. I’m sure they’re no longer together as most couples aren’t that long. Especially people like him and her. Anyway, I took an envelope and wrote his name and address as the return address. I made up a bogus name and address to be sent to, and of course, it’ll be sent back to him marked return-to-sender. With the note enclosed, of course. I also signed her name at the bottom of the note.

Now here’s the Celeste story. And like most stories, it never amounts to anything. I’m glad, though, for two reasons. I’ll explain why through the story. Last Thursday night at work I gave this guy named Joe a table dance. After that, he asked me about a threesome with him and his wife. I explained I was gay and liked feminine women with no male involved, but he could easily find a bi woman through The New Times. So, he said he could keep out of it and let me and his feminine wife alone together. He said they have an open marriage, but she’d never go for a relationship. I said I couldn’t either. They were looking for an apartment, but currently, they’re in a motel. He gave me their number.

I called after work and she promised to keep him out of the picture. She also confessed to doing Crystal. Do I look like a druggie? Or an alkie? What do these people see in me? Why do I attract them? So, they say I shouldn’t blame myself, but I feel I could be in a room with 99 sober people and one druggie. That’s the one I’d get. No matter how I looked. No matter what I said. No matter how I acted. No matter what mood I was in. The drugs are one reason I won’t get involved with her. The other is that there’s always a fucking male in the middle of these kinds of things. When there’s a male involved, he cannot stay out of it. I’m afraid of her coming over, and then he shows up. Another reminder from God that lust ain’t meant to be.

Well, I’m gonna go try to hit the sack now before that bitch next door wakes me up in 3 hours.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 1993
I have lots to write about, but I’m off tomorrow, so I’ll get caught up now.

I must call the bank, the phone company, Kara, Joe and Celeste. I need to call Joe to bitch him out. Celeste is another story I’ll get into later. I still haven’t called Willie yet.

As far as getting my hair straightened, well, it was a bust. My hair’s still quite curly. Velma did trim my bangs OK and she gave me some nice hair care products. I gave her $15 for her birthday. She said she’d try straightening my hair again for free on the 22nd, but I’m sure it won’t work. She also mentioned getting a straightening iron for me, too. Maybe she’d rather buy me the iron, rather than spend all that time again straightening my hair. I don’t think it’ll work a second time if it failed the first.

The other day Andy told me he called Judy at the office and he asked her to come over. Without asking why she and Stacey went over and he showed them how those fucking kids were playing on his stairs. I went and told Stacey exactly how I feel about the kids here as well as the too-thin walls. As figured, she said she couldn’t chain me to my door, but that if I leave she’ll send a bill to me and my parents. She did say she agrees with me as far as the kids should be separated from those without kids. Also, she “does not not like me.”

She lied about 3 things, though. One, she said there were only 4 kids here. Two, no one else has ever complained about the kids except me and Andy. Three, it’s against the law to separate kids from adults. All this is bullshit. I have plenty of reliable sources and references.

Andy gave me a survey form that goes directly to the management company. I wrote all about Stacey, the kids, and the walls being so thin. Ever since I turned Andi next door in for having all those kids, she’s been noisier. I still basically don’t hear her as she’s never home, but on Sundays, it sounds like the walls are gonna cave in. She even drove Mary nuts. I need my sleep on Sundays cuz I dance Sunday nights. I swear I’m gonna wake her up when I come in early Monday morning if she keeps this up. Twice she’s done this. Speaking of Mary, well she’s a great person. She’s given me about 4-5 rides since we met and I helped her get newspapers into the recycling bin. She calls me up whenever she wants predictions or vibes on anything.

A few days ago I got a call from a woman from some sales and advertising business. She asked me a trivia question about Paul Newman. What’s he known for besides acting? I had 3 choices and I picked salad dressing which was the correct answer. I got several coupons for restaurants, Riverside Resort in Nevada, 25% off upholstery and Montgomery/Ward photo studios. The Nevada and upholstery deal, I’ll probably never use, but I used one restaurant coupon the night Andy, Stephanie and I went out to dinner. At the photo studio at Valley West Mall, I get four 8x10s and a framed 11x14. The only thing that sucks about this deal is that each photo sitting must be 4 months apart. Soon, I’m gonna make an appointment when Andy can take me there on my night off. There better be no catch either.

A deliveryman brought this package over and I paid $20.

The other night at work I bought a $30 dress. A purple satin one with matching G-string, and along the chest part of the dress are feathers. I like it, but the feathers keep falling out. There are 2 things I want to get for work. Boots, rather than shoes so I am cushioned a little more when I kneel down. Gloves would be more comfortable too, when I’m leaning on my arms. It’ll also hide my nails if there are ever days when I wasn’t in the mood to polish them. Great way to cover up polished nails when the polish starts chipping.

Kim left a message telling me Bob’s in trouble, accused of raping a 12-year-old girl. She said she doesn’t know if he’s in jail. She’s also not sure if he’s gonna skip out and head on out here.

Despite the statistics, I believe he’s innocent. The guy’s so weak, even a 12-year-old girl could fight him off.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1993
I got a letter from Bob today as well as a million things to write about. First, let me say that I’ve come up with a unique, yet very accurate way to describe life on my own since December 3rd of 1985. From Crack Alley to the boonies to a madhouse to the funny farm to Phoenix to exotic dancing. Neat, huh?

On Monday, Everett came to fix my door with perfect timing which was at 2:40. He did a great job.

Good news for me, but not for Andy. His sister and nephew are not coming! No motels to worry about now. Marla’s pregnant so she can’t come out here till after the baby’s born. By then Andy and I won’t be here.

Still have discharges downstairs. Oh well. What else is new?

Andy, Stephanie and I went out to an Italian place for dinner. The place was dead, but the food was good.

I’m still getting used to all this extra money. I guess it’d also take some getting used to for a person who always had money that went broke. I can now afford the weekly TV guide, rather than go chase down people’s TV time sections of their Sunday papers.

I can get lots of stamps, too. I just sent Fran a picture of Kara which he’s wanted. I also sent him and Nerv two blooper pictures of Andy in San Francisco. Since I’m much busier, my letters to everyone will be slowing down. Just like with my journal writing. I’m especially gonna slow down my letters to my nieces. I’m a bit disappointed as I haven’t gotten a letter since last August. No letters about school, holidays, vacations or the letters and money I’ve sent.

Thanks to Andy, he’s gotten me into another neat hobby. Envelope decorating. I also got these really cool changeable markers. Six different colors that can be changed with a special marker. If I used purple and scratched over it with a clear marker, it changes it to pink. You can use either the changer marker first, or the regular ones first.

Later…

Andy and I have been passing messages all night long. A great way to clear our minds of whatever without interrupting each other.

He’s talking about apartment sharing with Stephanie. I told him to do whatever he wants, but I have a bad feeling as I did with a guy named Chris he took in a short while. With the way I can read people and I warned him about Chris, Nancy and others, I say they’ll fuck each other over and kill their friendship. He needs his space like I do, even if the person were perfect. She has friends that are all current or past druggies and alkies. She’s 41 and still trusting the wrong types to be alone in her apartment to rip her off. If she let someone in like that, they could rip him off too, or maybe she’d rip him off. I can also see her coming in wasted with wasted friends. And also fighting over chores and bills.

Laurie and Fran got their numbers changed. Laurie due to her baby’s father harassing her. Fran due to the typical story. He gets harassed, changes his number every two months, then gives his number to the same people who were harassing him before.

I got up the bravery to call this number Tim gave me. I spoke to Angie, but Vicki wasn’t home. We had a nice talk and I gave her my number. Neither of them returned my call and I won’t call them. I can only initiate so much. I like to chase and play games, but only if there’s something there to do so with.

A few mornings ago, very early, like 5 AM Eastern time, Andy and I called Kim who was just getting up. It was -3º! We talked about shit in general. She got my letters and thinks my job is great and is so happy for me. I may get a letter from her soon. She also told me something about Bob being sued for stealing someone’s grill. With that and his playing around with young kids, we both believe he is innocent, despite all the statistics. We called Fran too, but he was on his way to bed. We called Nervous who was drunk off his ass big time. He would not stay on the phone longer than 5 minutes, but I got a few great lines. We tried calling Barbara but got no answer. Fran called earlier about us all ranking on Nervous, but I was on the phone about to go out to dinner. That’s how it usually works.

Later…

Last Saturday I got a message from Mom and Dad. They were both very sick with colds, yet their message was a classic. I’m gonna edit it and send it to them. I had Kara call them and they called me. We had an excellent talk. I respect their opinions, and even though they don’t approve of it they are at least happy I’m happy. However, I’m still upset with Ma for ditching my pictures. I still do intend to talk to her about it, too.

Soon I’ll be having Sprint for long-distance and Caller ID.

Later…

I slept 9 hours yesterday and I sure needed it, but today I won’t sleep too much. I probably won’t conk out till 9:00 and I want to be up by 3:00.

Scott came into where I work last Sunday night. Sundays are dead, so I’m glad he did. I cut $59 and without him, I’d have only cut $39. Now that he’s gotten to know me, he’s told me more personal things about himself, but he really is a cool guy. He ain’t your TM (typical male) and he really only comes in to see me. I never danced for him as he’d rather talk which is cool. I asked if he could take me home after work, but I could be fired cuz it’s against the rules, so I couldn’t let him drive me.

Since John’s working at Circle K, a convenience store, and not driving, Steve sometimes drives me. He’s Corey’s regular driver (Corey’s another dancer) and when he takes us both he charges us only $3 each.

Laurie will be back at Denny’s part-time, so she won’t always be able to pick me up to bring me home.

Kara’s been babysitting a lot for Laurie. I called Kara and told her I haven’t forgotten about her, but I just realized I was supposed to call her when I got in from dinner. Oh well. I do, though, really want to see her on my next day off.

John called to say hi a few times and he’s now in his own apartment.

A close friend of Scott’s had a heart attack, but within a few days, he’ll talk to Bill Toddman at Capitol Records. He’s also gonna let me know about a dinner he needs someone to go with to for rich businessmen.

I met another fairly decent guy, and they do come in here and there, who knows a feminine gay woman who also likes other fems. He’s gonna try getting her number so I can play with her head. Again, never to the degree most people go to. He told me two very important things. Never forget her name - Jennifer - or she’ll be furious. The first bill he hands me will have her number if she’s agreed to give it to me.

I haven’t heard from Joe and I am gonna call him and give him a piece of my mind, despite being used to false promises.

I told Kara to tell her dad to forget the Polaroid and to say no the next time I ask to borrow something, rather than keep me hanging. John says he thinks he can get access to one, though.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 1993
I can’t sleep yet, so I figured I’d write. Today marks one year since the ultimate nightmare began (of all my time being on my own). This was the day I moved to CT. I feel two things when I remember that. One is I cringe with horror, depression and anxiety. The other, I laugh as I’m long gone. In about 6 hours from now, adding the 2-hour difference I was crying my eyes out. Tammy and I realized we were bullshitted by Mary Jane. We discovered their apartment next door goes over part of mine and the walls are paper-thin. I remember being in the tub hearing every word they’d say next door and wishing I had a shower. I remember how filthy the place was and trying to fit my furniture in. Boy, have I come a long way!

However, I’m out of here, too. I most certainly wouldn’t say these walls are paper-thin. I’d say a few layers of cardboard. There also aren’t 4 kids next to me and not a million outside, but there are still a few too many. Way more than enough. These apartments, as well as the grounds, are beautiful, but I’ve had it and I’m finally (after 3 years) gonna get a place where I can sleep anytime. With no music and where my sleep’s guaranteed unless I wake up on my own. No more am I going to sleep with a 50/50 chance of not being woken up by someone banging in the building. I’m also sick of those fucking kids outside screaming on weekends and after school. I was told it was quiet here and they never told me these walls were too thin. I didn’t come here to pay for thin walls and screaming kids. I never asked for that in my rent. Even if I were a day person, when I want to hear my TV, that’s all I want to hear. Not the kids too, or others in this building. Laurie and others have moved for the same reasons. I know I’m far from the first person to complain and I know I’ll be far from the last.

Tuesday I’m gonna tell Stacey the facts and she’s either gonna let me out of my lease or we’ll go to court. My parents won’t give them a dime. I will give them 30 days’ notice and they can also keep their deposit.

Tomorrow I get my hair chemically straightened. Velma will be picking me up at 3:00. I hope I fall asleep by 6:00. I hope many times over that I sleep straight through till 2:00.

That new asshole maintenance guy never fixed my fucking sliding door. I left a message for them to remember not to knock before 2:00 and I put a note on my door, but I’m sure the guys will fuck up. Some people just don’t give a shit.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1993
I made a lousy $71 tonight, but it sure beats SSI, doesn’t it?

There are two new gorgeous dancers, and Tim, who I thought was Jim, gave me a number of some friends he knows. Tim’s the bouncer, in case I forgot to mention. It’s what he swears is a feminine couple, Vicki and Angie who know a lot of people, but I still just don’t know. I just want to play the game people play (to a degree), but this is a good friend of Tim’s. Tim’s a very good guy, so I’d assume he’d have some pretty decent friends. However, I’m tired of the same old one-sided and non-mutual deal. If it lusts for me, I don’t lust for it. If I lust for it, it don’t lust for me. It’ll also either smother me or say they’ll call or see you and it never does.

Linda was really getting fun to play with and I’m shocked she’s never called again. She told me she wasn’t giving up on me so I’m shocked she did.

Kara taped a Gloria special from the radio for me last Saturday night while I was working. I haven’t heard it all yet, but why on earth did she go and cut her hair?

Still haven’t heard from Bob.

Andy and I spoke to Tammy last week and we had a nice talk. Tammy’s so thrilled and grateful for the money I’m sending her to help her out. She says Mom and Dad can understand why I’m doing what I’m doing with all the money I’m making and my loving to dance, but they’re shocked. I would be too, if I ever knew I’d be doing this.

I finally got Tammy’s package. There was a huge paint-by-number, which honestly bores me, so I gave it to Kara. I also gave Kara a box of crayons and a book of crossword puzzles she sent. I kept the word find puzzles and the nice package of magic markers. She also sent colored pencils and some food like popcorn, pudding, cupcakes and soup. I used the markers to make awesome decorations on the front and back of the envelopes. They do a good job of concealing. I sent her cash in 4 envelopes. I told her to call me to tell me she got 4, in white, pink, green and orange. I’ve also been decorating envelopes for others.

Last Sunday night, John was in and he met Scott. I gave him a tape of me singing two full songs and I hope to hear from him soon. Maybe I can call him and I also want to check out where he lives just in case when my lease is up. He says he has a 2-bedroom apartment which is 1200 square feet and costs $537 per month. It has super thick walls and he can’t hear a thing. He also says they separate kids, adults and the elderly the way it should be everywhere.

A week ago Andy called and I simply told him for the millionth time to keep our business ours. He’s been fine so far.

Laurie’s a cool person and she’s been my driver. She’s not sure if she wants to audition or not.

Last Saturday night was a shocker for me when both Andy and Stephanie showed up at the club. They were very complimentary about how much my dancing’s improved. Also about my body which is better, but still needs improvement. I think everyone always feels that way about their bodies.

That night both Laurie and Kara came to get me. They were out earlier drinking together.

At first, Tim and others could swear Andy was a girl. He and I were laughing about this, as I say there’s a difference between girls and fags.

Later…

I decided I wanted a bigger calendar, so I cut up my teddy bear calendar to decorate my journals with. I made a calendar for now. I also need to reprogram numbers into my phone as well as delete some, such as Dennis’s and asshole Ellie’s.

I haven’t heard from Randy, so who knows what he’s up to?

I was reading back in journal 7, cracking up over certain stuff. Like how I thought my asthma would be better with moving back to Woodside Terrace. Little did I know the sheer hell I was to go through there! Saying moist air helps when it really makes it worse was dumb. Of course, I also didn’t realize how bad the stench of the Mill River got and how bad the neighborhood got. Not that it’d be long before the harsh reality hit me. I just didn’t want to believe how bad that area became cuz I wanted my old apartment back badly. I never realized how fast an area can go to hell either. There were also some funny mistakes as well as stuff that made no sense.

I must call Velma at 6:00 this morning. Andy gave me her number. I want her to trim my bangs and straighten my hair.

Here’s a list of some things I’d like. Some of them, though, I’m not in a dire hurry for. I’d like my phone blocks to be removed so I can call long-distance. A pair of new heels, my CD player fixed (Not the portable one Steve gave me. The one I bought a few days before I moved to S Deerfield), a color TV, a better microwave, maybe cable, and a vacuum like Andy’s like I had back east. Definitely a major shopping spree one of these days.

Well, now it’s time once again for a cigarette break.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1993
Well, here I am and I am feeling just fine. I’ve never ever been happier in my whole life. It feels so good. Now, 26½ years of misery is just a memory. Only two ER visits since coming here sure are better than more. I’ve only had two depressing spells which were a joke and they didn’t last long. It was over food and money when I first got here. I only wish I’d begun this job right after I first got here. I also wish I’d moved here long ago, but I know there are a time and reason for everything. I’m sure all the misery I went through as a kid and since being on my own was a survival test. God only knows how in the hell I did survive. But going through all I did surely makes you more sensitive and open-minded. It makes you not as naïve and enables you to read people well.

Earlier Fran called. We called Kara, but she was busy giving Ashley a bath. She’s going to Vegas for two weeks with an old girlfriend. Fran called Nervous and I called Andy. I taped it.

Then, I treated Andy to Red Lobster where we ordered shrimp. The bill was $32 and I left a $4 tip.

I’m watching Hunter now and Andy and I were laughing our asses off earlier. Back east it’s 0º with wind chills of -40º.

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Last updated June 08, 2024