December 1991 in 1990s

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1991
I am extremely tired, but I’d really rather stay up and write. I have nothing to get up early for in the morning. Thank heavens as for the last 3 days or so I haven’t slept jack diddly.

Earlier in the evening, Kim went roller skating and she said she’d ask Tony if he could bring me to court. She says he’s not working and is bored.

Kim took me to Cumberland’s for a few things before going shopping and getting other stuff. When we left, we went down her stairwell. She dropped me off on my side, as this was right when she was on her way to go skating. After a few good hard tugs on my doorknob, which is frozen with ice, I saw a Dunkin Donuts napkin. It was from Cassandra saying twice she attempted to see me and that she’d try again. That made me feel so good and I miss her and really need to see her. I like her and she’s a great person. Poor Cassandra’s probably scared shitless. I’d assume she went into Peter’s office downstairs and he and Sharon told her what was going on and that I’m alive. I hope so. That way she’s got some peace of mind.

Believe it or not, I even miss Bob. Bob and Sandra really are nice people despite all their troubles. As if I should be the one to talk. Should I know about troubles? What a great and welcome relief when things finally start to fall into place and work themselves out for the better.

If I was happier more often I’d take these happy moments more for granted. However, I really need to be feeling happier no matter what. It’s well due to me and I feel I deserve it now. Cassandra said what I’ve heard a few others say and that was that perhaps this is a strengthening period I’m going through.

Give me a break. I can’t see how much more “strengthening” I need and can take. I’m very experienced with all that crap.

Too bad Bob’s car croaked. I needed him around when Kim’s was unavailable to get me places I needed to go. Bob, Sandra and I had fun going food shopping together. Sandra would push the cart. Bob would hold the coupons and the calculator. I would take stuff off the shelf and toss it into the cart.

As I was going through all my journals inspecting the little ribbons Kim gave me that I’d turned into bookmarks, I got several laughs. I have misspelled so many words, screwed up sentences, and really rearranged some stuff. I could very well tell when I was drop-dead tired. That’s when the double words come in. I dig one sentence in my first journal. Mary C, not Mary D, had a brother Doug who had a major crush on me and wanted to “change” me. They were living on Bradley Rd. at the time and they were pranking me and I was pranking them. Then one day over the phone, we were all cracking up hysterically over the calls and what we’d said to one another. In my journal, I first wrote: I am talking talking to Doug now. We are discussed the phone calls.

Reading back on other stuff was funny. Like certain stuff with Nervous. I don’t miss anyone from Springfield at all. Some of them I used to miss and wished they weren’t such airheads.

Other than missing Andy, I really wish at times that Nervous had a car and was back in his worst obsession with me cuz I really miss playing with his head. Everyone knows he loved it too, till Andy came around. The competition finally wore him out completely. I wish I could play my “crossed call waiting” game with him and tape him and Fran or Andy going at it.

I sort of miss Jai and Steve, but neither of them has a phone. I have no idea if they’ve moved or not. The people I sure don’t miss at all are Mary C, Mary D, Jo, Nancy, Hank, Emily and Jessie. Jessie really disappointed me in the end. She and all the others I just named, I don’t despise her with a passion, I just feel nothing. I can no longer feel much as it’s been an awfully long time. There are probably other people I’ve forgotten, too, like Jimmy and Crystal. After Crystal pulled her shit on me, I felt sad, as she was otherwise a good person. We had lots of fun and for a while, I was bummed out. Shocked too, cuz I was so naïve back then.

Later…

I got my phone all hooked up today. I’m so thrilled about that. I called Cassandra at her home and left my new number on her machine. I called the CC and Sally and Jill. I expected to get a recording saying their phone’s been disconnected but their machine came on. I left my new number with Tracy’s secretary and, of course, I haven’t heard from her yet. She isn’t very punctual with returning calls promptly. I need to call Sheila to reschedule the appointment we have on the 8th.

I hope all goes well as far as transportation is concerned for the 15th in Northampton.

Kim’s working non-stop orientation and is going to Florida from Jan. 10-23. Bob’s never gonna be able to get his car fixed and Tony may be busy. Tony’s got a new job but he has the split shift deal, which may mean something could be worked out. Kim said that if worse came to worse, she’d give me money for a taxi. That’s gonna be an awful lot of money. I’m also wondering how I’m ever gonna go grocery shopping. The appointment for that lactose test and the dentist also need rescheduling.

Earlier I spoke with Bob who sounded horrible as he does 365 days a year. This year it’ll be 366 days.

I managed to notify Fran and Andy of my new number. Andy’s phone has not been disconnected as I suspected. I suspected it wasn’t disconnected, I mean. I thought Tammy was through with lying to me and I only can trust her partially, I told her. I don’t buy half the stuff she’s been telling me about Mom and Dad either. For a family who’s got so many secrets - I don’t know. What’s important is worrying about my life only. Within reason, that is, naturally.

Fran called me back shortly after I left my new number on his machine. We spoke for a while, then a great thing happened. Oh, it was absolutely fantastic!

Using Fran’s 3-way, he called Nervous at Feinstein’s Leather, he answered and was alone there. At first, only he and I spoke and he was quite pleasant till Fran butted in. Most of the time I’d back out to get them on tape going at it. I’d say Kim’s knocking on my door or something like that and man, did they really go off on each other. It was so funny. I even edited the bulk of the conversation.

Tonight, New Year’s Eve will be the worst ever as well as all the other holidays. I feel so deprived and so left out. Here I am so young, wanting to go get all decked out, go out dancing and have a night full of great sex, then get rid of the person the next day. I feel so alone and I’ll be bored out of my mind. I do intend to watch two hours of TV, but big deal. It’s New Year’s Eve. I have no choice but to pretend I don’t care as bitching about it is gonna get me nowhere. Same as I must try doing with other issues.

Out of all the years I’ve been out on my own, 1991 was definitely the worst. I still feel like I have no future and life will be one big boring drag. I’ll never see any of my dreams come true. What else do I do to be happy, fulfilled and content? I’ll never find myself professionally now that a singing career is off the table. I’ll never get over that fact and I’ll always be so hurt and never be able to forget it and move on from there. There’ll always be intense anger as well as sadness. Why couldn’t God have made me rich? It’s a rich man’s world and everything takes money. No matter what you’re starting or trying to get into, it’s one or the other - sex or money. Or power, too, I guess. Some serious connections like Gloria having Emilio. I’m sure Gloria has her problems but imagine being happily married for 12 years, having a kid and a great career. One she’s happy with and wanted badly and could achieve the way she wanted to. Safely with no sex. Money and plenty of support. Having a great husband who’s also your manager and producer. Gay or straight, if she never had someone like that and was like me, she’d only be able to make it by sleeping her way there. That is if she would’ve been willing to do that. One in billions of people stay together for 12 years. And are happy too. How the hell can a person like me who doesn’t want a relationship and has no money make it?

I told Fran he could call me at 12:30 tonight to wish me a shitty New Year’s Eve. Mom and Dad will probably call, too. Nervous told me he’s seen Jai and I told him to give Jai my new number.

Shadow looks so cute with this pearl necklace of mine he’s wearing. I built him a little tent too. I took an old torn-up sheet and draped it over a chair and he’s quite happy with it.

Later…

I just watched TV. I hope Mom and Dad call later. I wonder what Kim’s gonna be doing tonight? Probably sleeping, ambulance calls or doing something with her friends or family. Mark’s working. I think.

Great. A Jaclyn Smith movie’s on Sunday.

Kim left me a few pictures she took and made copies of. They’re of me moving in with Mark and Kim helping me. There are also 2 pictures of me sitting at Kim’s piano with Shadow and 3 taken by Bob the night of my birthday. I have mailed these pictures to mom and dad and they must send them back.

After I got my phone back earlier today, I discovered something really neat. I mean it’s way cool. Different from Springfield. In Springfield, when I’d call my own number, I’d get a busy signal, hang up and that was it. Here, I called my own number to be sure it was the one they said it’d be. I heard a busy signal and the second after I hung up, my phone rang. When I picked it up I heard two half-rings and then silence. So if I ever want to test my answering machine or phone ringers, I can do it myself without anyone calling me.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1991
Once again there is a good God after all! I have gotten a phone for sure!! Yes, I have a phone! A connection to life! I made a deal with the phone co. to put long-distance blocks on my line and they went along with it. Thank fucking God! It’ll be hooked up tomorrow. I’ve got to let Tammy know, who was proud of me and quite happy about the blocks. Tammy’s gonna tell Mom and Dad. They can call me on New Year’s Eve as I can receive long-distance calls. Tammy, Bill and the girls are going to Etta’s house (Bill’s sister).

Somehow I’ll notify Andy and Fran and I can get in touch with Cassandra just as soon as it’s working. Cassandra lives in Sunderland and is listed so I’ll call her home phone. The Institute at Newton (the agency she works out of) is long distance in Westfield.

I’ll call the CC, too, and also Tracy to let them know I’m alive. I feel like I’ve just barely made it through. Believe me when I say I’d hate to endure any more trouble, be it my fault or not. I’ve got to behave and I hope shit starts to work out. I need a good long break from any kind of bullshit from anyone. It was bad enough having to go through all the isolation and all the other stuff out here all alone in the boonies. Therefore, one can just imagine how it feels to do it with no phone. Now I have a little less of that caged animal feeling knowing I can call the CC when I hit the really really low spots in my life while I’m still living here.

Also, I don’t have to fear for my life if I have an asthma attack and no one was home next door. Like I said, an asthma attack is no way to go no matter how much you may wish at that moment you could drop dead. I can also schedule the appointments I need to make.

I called Tammy from Kim’s phone and as soon as my phone’s working I’m gonna leave that ad again from her phone. That way this gay woman who claims to be ultra-feminine can call me.

Speaking of Kim, she just won a contest naming 3 songs in a row over the phone. I don’t know which radio station but she won a weekend stay for two at the Marriott. Either in Springfield or Boston. I hope it’s Springfield. She doubts Mark is gonna want to go and I sure hope she’s right. Man, oh man, do I ever need a vacation! I love staying in hotels and being able to go swimming! Maybe we can work on convincing him how much he’d hate it.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 29, 1991
Things have gotten worse and worse. I had no idea they’d get this bad. I haven’t felt so bad in so long that constantly reminding myself of the fact I’m not at home or any of the places I was in as a kid doesn’t even help much. It’s scary. So aren’t the thoughts that have been going over and over in my mind. It makes me wonder how much more I can endure before I totally lose it and go off the deep end. Will it get so bad that there’ll be no way to rationalize what I may do? How can I continue to subject myself to so much misery? The boredom, isolation and reality that I’ll never have anything I really want. Never find a way to be able to settle and settle happily. When will I ever be able to do the things that are so easy to say? Will I get to the point of not being able to stop myself from ending it by trying to count my blessings? Will I lose control and all sense of rationality and reasoning? There’s no accepting this situation anymore. No more blessings to count, as this is bad enough. I know at the same time it sucks and isn’t fair and I’m overdue for a break that I am being punished. Take the phone for example. There are 3 punishments and one prevention out of that. The prevention is from meeting any women. The punishments are cuz of my prank calls, trying to meet people and ringing up that bill, the second dumbest mistake of my life. I never figured at the time Mom and Dad were gonna back out of moving me. Now I can’t even trust or rely on my own parents. That’s people for you but it’s one thing for them to back out of moving me to Arizona, another to CT. Their choice. One they’ve talked about for nearly 4 years now.

This coming Monday I’m supposed to go to Springfield and show them my ID to get a phone in my name. I’m gonna hype up a story about Maria S’s phone service, but I highly doubt God will let me have my phone back so soon. I doubt he’d consider that ample time to be punished for a $1,700 phone bill. I’m also scared that they may not buy my story and that I may quite possibly be walking into some serious trouble and a major trap.

God, I’ve had enough trouble and I’m on probation. It’s my only connection to life and when you have asthma this bad, it’s scary. I could use some conversation here and there with the CC and there’s other stuff too. Family, friends and making appointments. It’s like, God please, if you can hear me, I beg of you to allow me my phone back. I’ve been greatly compensated enough. You’ve denied me a career as a singer, I’ll never have sex again and believe me, I have been paying for my mistakes.

Cassandra was supposed to come last Friday at noon and God knows how we’re gonna get in touch with each other. She’s probably worried and wondering if I moved. That day I was feeling like I do now and I really really need to see her desperately.

On January 8th I have to go see Sheila and on January 15th I have to go to Northampton court. I’m wondering how the hell I’ll be getting there. Kim will be back at Baystate ER, Bob’s car is dead, and Mark’s such a true friend at heart. Even if Mark’s not gonna be busy, I don’t know about him.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1991
Tammy, Bill and the girls came up today. They spent a couple of hours and it was fun. Bill and I went out and got a pizza and I got some milk, two bananas and a candy bar. The girls look great and they’re getting bigger all the time. Lisa’s almost my height and before long she’ll be taller.

Still no dial tone on my phone. With my luck, they’ve decided not to give me a phone. Maybe it was a tease and they’ll say, “Ha. So you thought you were gonna get a phone? No way, and we know who Maria S really is, and you’re gonna pay back every penny.”

Kim and I are going to Hampshire mall soon.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1991
Right after I last wrote, Kim came over and we talked for an hour. I ended up feeling much better. Last night I spent a lot of time with both Kim and Mark next door and we all had a lot of fun.

Their Christmas tree is absolutely beautiful. Once again, if we celebrated Christmas, it would’ve been so much more fun. Especially as a kid. It’s quite pretty compared to 8 boring candles.

I gave them their Christmas present which I made for them since I cannot afford to buy them anything. I took 6 pieces of construction paper, punched 3 holes out along the side, then tied them off with thin pretty colored yarn to make a booklet. I also used Kim’s stapler so the yarn couldn’t rip through. Lastly, using all my colored Crayola markers, I wrote tons of our lines, edits and bits of journals backward or straight across. It was fun and they loved it.

Today we’re gonna listen to some new edits I made last night taken from conversations with the CC or Bob. I am going to do more editing later as well as make a call from Kim’s house in response to an ad that had Kim, Mark and I flipping with shock. Of course, I know there will be either no results or disappointing results when I call the Valley Advocate personals. This ad stated that this thin, feminine, 27-year-old female with a great sense of humor was looking to meet another feminine thin female around her age. Shocking, huh? And the word feminine was capitalized.

I have 25 stamps now and I’ve got to finish all my letter writing and send Andy his bracelet once and for all. Also, finish the drawing of Tammy, Bill and the girls on their swings.

Speaking of Tammy, she left a message on Kim’s machine last night saying they’re all coming up tomorrow. That was an unexpected yet very pleasant surprise, as I was thinking of how nice it’d be if they came up. I just cleaned the hell out of this place and it’ll be nice for them to see it all fixed up and redecorated.

I finally saw what it looks like on top of the bedroom and the hall. I was like, wow! This is cool. It’s huge. What a perfect place to make a loft or another bedroom if you had a roommate. Andy would’ve loved it and it’d be so much more private. However, I doubt he’d enjoy climbing up there. It is huge and if you work around the pipes up there, you could throw a few queen-size mattresses up there easily on each side. It sure is filthy and a little harder to breathe up there but Shadow likes it. I changed Shadow’s litter box earlier and went out to get the mail.

I was shocked to see that it really wasn’t too cold out. Lately, it’s been bitter cold.

Was I also ever shocked to see what came in the mail, too! Well, not really as I knew it was coming… Maria S’s phone bill in a huge manila envelope since a regular one couldn’t hold it all. I was cracking up hysterically but I won’t be if they try to make me pay it back by somehow discovering only I live here. Also if I don’t hear a dial tone tomorrow. The bill was $1,732.06 and Kim and Mark couldn’t help but laugh and laugh and laugh. Wait till I tell Andy. I’d tell Tammy but I don’t know if I could trust her to keep it between us and spare Mom and Dad heart attacks.

I also got the lifeline discount plan for SSI recipients from the phone co. The rest was all junk mail.

If all goes well with the phone tomorrow, I’ve got to notify Andy, Tracy, Sally and Jill if I can get a hold of them and maybe Fran. Also Cassandra.

I’m gonna run next door and see if anyone’s home and make sure they got their mail. I grabbed it while I grabbed mine.

Earlier I polished my nails with polish Tammy gave me and did my hair which came out good. It is getting oh so long.

I’ve got to gather up any stuff I want to give Tammy or the girls.

Later…

Tammy called Kim to say that they’d all be here at 10:00 tomorrow morning.

I thought Linda was gonna be on channel 3, so Kim left her door open for me before she left. Linda wasn’t on but as I was flipping through the channels, I came across that gay and lesbian calendar I’ve been hearing so much about. What I saw really disgusted me. Those damn butches! They defeat the purpose. What’s the point of being a gay woman if not for the femininity of a woman? Are they attracted to men or women? I know if I was attracted to what I just saw I’d get the real thing and get a man. If they want something masculine they must consider me a major turn-off. I get less and less motivated into putting any effort into meeting people. Forget about whether or not they’re gonna screw me over or play head games or try to change me. I only want sex (lust) not a commitment, but there’s no lust, spark and worthwhile sex with an ugly dog. It’s not fair and it really sucks. Especially when you see someone who does want a relationship go out and get it with someone they’re attracted to, or not caring if they’re attracted to the person or not. Now here I am only wanting very very occasional one-nighters and what do I get? Why are they always ugly or just no big deal? Imagine viewing a person, realizing they’re ugly, yet being able to have sex with them and get turned on and enjoy it. Regardless of whether or not you hate, like or love them. And no matter if you know them well, a little, or not at all. I’m so envious of those people who can do that.

Bad news from Tammy. Apparently, Andy called her and she told Kim he lost his phone, heat, and is trying to hang onto his apartment. Great. Tomorrow, just as I get a phone, he loses his. What makes no sense, though, about Andy losing his phone, is that I thought he was either billing his calls or cut way down on his long-distance calls. Every time he’s gotten a phone bill, he’s told me how thrilled he is over how low it is so maybe he ended up getting re-billed for calls. Maybe he can have his landlord do what mine did… say Michael N took off and get it in his own name.

God, do I ever hope I get my phone tomorrow!

Well, I really ought to try and catch some sleep now. It figures they’d be coming up at 10:00. These people are up so early but they have no choice with 3 kids. I’m really surprised, but happy they’re coming up.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1991
Right now I am in such a shitty-ass mood. I just got done yelling at of Shadow. God, am I sick of his shit, destruction, and always having to babysit that fucking cat.

I am so lonely and bored. Why oh, why did I listen to and believe Kim’s bullshit? You’d think someone like me shouldn’t fall for a trap like that. Why did I believe her or ever rely on her? Why did I up and move away with someone even if I felt comfortable as I do? Never again will I believe or trust anyone. All these things she promised we’d do. Forget about the ear operation. I don’t know who I’m more pissed off at. Her or me. How do other people get other people who promise certain things to follow through with them? I’m not saying I’m the only one who’s had to deal with people who never put their actions where their mouths are, but that’s all I get. I don’t know whether to blame myself or not, even though it’d sure be easier. Why is it that all I get as friends or sex partners are people who aren’t always bad, but aren’t as good as I thought they’d be? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Is it me? Is it life? Am I surely 100% cursed?

As time passes, experiences with life and people only make me more and more doubtful. More negative and less motivated to pursue music and find a one-nighter. Also, reality and God’s plan are making me feel more and more hopeless. Life’s a complete waste of time. There’s no place or purpose for me in this life.

I sang like shit today and there’s also the never-ending reality that there’s no way off the cigarettes. It’s ruined my life and it’ll continue to ruin that as well as my singing up to my full vocal potential. The congestion will just fill up and up till I choke and die. Personally, I don’t give a shit and want to die more and more, and if the asthma doesn’t kill me soon, I will. I cannot live like this.

I have no desire to be attracted to men but couldn’t I just be a butch lover? I wish I was madly attracted to butches.

I wish I wanted to do some other line of work as bad as I want to sing.

The only good thing about today is that I cleaned the hell out of my place and I do feel better physically. Mentally I feel like my life is hopeless, gone, over, finished, destroyed. I have not felt so suicidal since age 17.

I hate life. I hate Kim and I can’t wait to abandon her when I move someday. She can feel what it’s like, even though it won’t be a great loss to her. She has Mark, many friends, family, work and a life.

I’ll never get the phone and how dare I think positive even though they gave me a number to be turned on next Tues. God will step in and shut it off. This particular punishment’s gonna last a while.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20, 1991
The last few days have been crazier than hell. Once again, I really wanted nothing more than to just drop dead. There’s been some fairly good stuff going on, too.

I just got my bangs trimmed a little while ago and boy did they need it.

I also got Mom and Dad’s package yesterday. There were two cartons of Cambridge smokes, some powder, a lighter, a neon braided bracelet and two very pretty barrettes and a key chain, too.

Cassandra wondered if I’d ever been molested as a child. If I was, I have no memory of it.

Kim gave me tons of stamps which is great. She went out and bought 70 stamps. I’ll be doing plenty of letter writing along with a letter I’ve started for my parents. I like to take my time on letters over the course of a few days or a week.

As far as court goes, nothing happened as the lazy idiots who are allowed to take their time, goof off and do whatever the hell they want in Northampton, haven’t spoken with Greenfield yet. I have to be back in court on Jan. 15th in Northampton. When I go to Greenfield on Jan. 8th to see Sheila, you can bet your ass I’m gonna file charges against both Jenny and Maliheh. Then all I have to do when Kim knows her schedule is reschedule that lactose test and my dentist appointment. Also, go down to see Tammy sometime.

Now it’s time to write about the biggest nightmare here on Elm St. since I last wrote. Between both Peter and I, we’ve managed to solve the problem. I hope. By Dec. 24th when I pick up my phone and hear a dial tone, then there’ll be real peace of mind. Since I never expected Mom and Dad to suddenly cry poor, I figured for sure I’d be moved on Jan. 2nd as she told me. So with my phone in “Maria S’s” name, I went on a field day.

She’s both doing me a favor and not doing me a favor by backing out. Conveniently, when I got in trouble with the phone. Not that I’d expect her to be thrilled by me getting into trouble but she did give her word 3 years ago that she’d move me. To her choice of place, of course. I was hoping she’d pay to move me into a market rent place, subsidize me and then as soon as I got a subsidized place I’d pay on my own. I mean, until and if anyone could get a subsidized apartment, who wouldn’t want to pay their own rent with money leftover? Also, there’d be no strings attached. Total independence. Car rides are a different ballgame. I would usually be able to count on the bus, though. A cab would be affordable on the days Tammy was busy or the times no buses run.

So, to wrap it up for now as my hand’s getting tired, “Maria S’s” phone got shut off yesterday. She rang up a $1,700 bill. Therefore, Jodi Lin ran next door to let the phone company know Maria took off. No one knows where she is so Peter M let me move in. They gave me a new number to be connected on the 24th. Meanwhile, I ran downstairs and spoke with Peter. I told him that until I move, the phone is my only connection to life. Friends, scheduling appointments, the CC and in case I have a deadly asthma attack. I told him the story of Maria and he said he’d back it up.

Shadow just jumped up on my lap.

Later…

I just finished eating and I’ve now decided what to do till 3:00 when Matlock comes on. It’s definitely time to do some editing. Last night’s project was fun. During my first few journals, it took me a while to get organized. I took last year’s calendar and Kim’s old calendar too and covered up all the unnecessary doodling which made it sloppy looking. All the phone numbers and little notes which should’ve been written on a pad that was on the front and back inner covers. I’m currently listening to an old tape of Fran playing his Batman story out on the CC. I can just imagine what they think of this weird and very strange case. Time to do my editing. I’ll write more later on.

Later…

I finally got my editing done and now I’m quite tired. I’ve been working on and off since 1:30 this afternoon. Not the funny edits, but editing down the conversations between several different people. Taking out blank spaces, ringing and boring stuff. I completely filled up the blank tapes Tammy and Kim gave me. I took the Laura Branigan tape with Fran on it and filled up the very end of the side I never listen to with edits. There’s also a part in that tape where he’s put on hold for a couple of minutes and he starts his obnoxious banging. I filled that in with Nervous and the timing was perfect.

Three more days till I have a phone. I hope all goes well with that! Perhaps there is a good God after all. Between me and my acting, Peter and Kim and I ought to be hearing a dial tone on the 24th.

Andy’s no doubt freaking out, thinking what the fuck?!?! I’ll have to call him Tuesday, and thank God he has a voicemailbox as he probably won’t be home. I’ll also call mom and dad, Cassandra, Tracy, the PD, CC, Sally and Jill and God knows who else.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1991
I woke up 40 minutes ago. I feel good, too. I didn’t wake up wheezing like I did the night before last. I had 5 messages on my machine when I got up.

One from dad, who says I can expect a package from UPS with a couple of cartons of cigarettes.

Yes!! He said he knows I probably do not smoke the brand he’s sending, but who cares? It saves me an awful lot of money that I now can use towards other stuff.

He says there’s other stuff in the package but he didn’t say what. I love packages. It’s only a bummer when the clothes are too big and not my style. Or I’m sent something I absolutely can’t stand or can’t use or already have.

Fran was the second message.

The other 3 were from Cassandra who wants to move today’s appointment up earlier in the day. She said she’ll call me this morning.

Hope all is well with Andy who just started work at another Denny’s. I still have to finish his bracelet and send him a letter while I’m at it. I have another letter ready to go out to Fran.

Tonight Kim and I are going to make all kinds of bows with this bow-making thing she has.

Now, to write about the other thing I forgot to mention about CC. Like I did mention, about 4 nights ago I was miserably depressed. That night, however, turned into a pretty amusing night. I spoke to a guy named Bill who told me they all had me and Andy figured out months ago. Even though it is inappropriate, they said, and that we can’t do it again, they said it was very well done. Bill and Tammy said it was creative putting together the plot and the acting ability. When I asked Bill if he knew about the edits, he said no. I played him quick bits and pieces so he could get an idea. Then he said I ought to check into ways I can use my taping knowledge. I jokingly came out and said, “Yeah, you guys tape yourselves singing, laughing or whatever, send me that tape plus a blank with a self-addressed stamped envelope. You send the tools; I’ll do the work since I have no money. Then I’ll edit you and send you back the original (the master) and the edits.” So, he definitely seemed very interested and is gonna discuss this with everyone after Christmas. That’s really cool to be editing for the CC. So, Bill said he was glad I called back and that it was a very positive talk.

The next night I spoke to Tammy who had spoken with Bill about our talk and also the taping. She too said she likes to hear me happier and said I was bright and had a lot to offer even over the phone. Also, I had a great sense of humor, she said. As I discussed this all with Cassandra last Saturday, it’s one thing to have goals but it’s another to not be able to act on them. I told her that until I move into a subsidized place with a bus line, there’s not much I can do. When I have the extra money and transportation, I’ll check into some of the ideas I have come up with as well as other people’s suggestions.

Yesterday I spoke briefly with Sally and Jill. Even though they’re swamped with finals, we all really do want to meet. They really really do seem so nice, honest and sincere. Both have nice speaking voices and are not butchy at all. If I can’t have gorgeous, I hope and pray to God that they’re so-so and not pitifully ugly.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1991
I’m not going to write much as I need to go to sleep. I did my grocery shopping today but all my food is gonna have to wait. Even though everyone else thinks I’m crazy I want to lose 7 pounds. The scale says 97 and I look like I weigh 110. That tells me something. That tells me I really need to do some serious exercising and stick to it for a while even though I’m far from being out of shape. So for the next 3 or 4 days, I’ll be on a liquid diet, taking vitamins and drinking Slim-Fast. If I stick to it I’ll be guaranteed easily to lose those 7 pounds. It’s been a while though since I’ve done this so I’ll definitely want to eat. If I control that, the 7-pound loss is 100% guaranteed.

Ok, time for bed. Tomorrow I have several things to write about. I will not forget to do so. I’ll write about what Kim and I are gonna do tomorrow evening. I’ll write about Andy and also Sally and Jill and more things I haven’t yet written on the CC. I kept forgetting and forgetting.

Well, like I said, time for bed. I’m extremely tired and the cleaning crew never came last night. I hope this doesn’t mean they’re coming tonight.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 15, 1991
I may soon be interrupted by a call from Andy. I’ll write as much as I can till he calls. The last few days have been really screwy. It started off as a major horror but ended up nicely and a little strange. I did get a hold of Tracy, first of all. She told me she’s going to call Carol and speak to her about my tapes and then call me back.

To briefly mention Sally and Jill, well, I don’t know too much and I don’t know if I really want to. All I know is that they’re both 20 and they’re psychology majors at U-Mass in Amherst. They live on campus and Jill has a car. Sally doesn’t. They seem to get along well as roommates and seem to be very nice. According to Jill, she’s 5‘1”, thin and has been with someone for two months.

Later…

Andy called, so I’m gonna finish where I left off. Sally’s 5’ 9”, 130 pounds and single. Of course, they both have short hair and neither one seems butchy, but I know they’re not totally feminine either. I know that I have been attracted to some women who weren’t as feminine as I am. Never a diesel butch, though.

The point is, once again I know what God will and will not allow me to have. Therefore, I’m disappointed before ever meeting them. That is, if I ever do, of course.

They say they do nothing as far as drugs. Not even cigarettes. In fact, they were almost ready to forget about meeting me cuz I smoke. Otherwise, the conversation went well. The only scary thing is that the feeling I got from Sally, is that she’s all or nothing and not a part-time lover. She didn’t sound like Brenda yet she did say several things that reminded me of her. Of course, she’s far from as quiet and shy as Brenda was.

Speaking of Brenda, I listened in on a conversation between her and Andy and she told Andy she tried to call me. That’s a surprise. I haven’t called her back but I did call Sarah who says she’ll call me. I like the name Jill, but Sally’s an ugly name.

If I do meet them, even though I doubt I ever will, I’ll sleep with whoever wants to do so as long as they’re not major turn-offs.

Sally and Jill asked me several questions. One of Sally’s questions was, do I sleep with many people? Even if I could, which is impossible, I don’t know if that would be fun to deal with. I’d rather have one occasional sex partner.

Later…

First I’ll write about the talk I had with Fran at CC and then all that happened two nights ago. When I was discussing with Fran how I feel there’s no way to get what I want, he told me about two people he knew.

One was a songwriter who sold a song to Kenny Rogers and this guy did some research at the library. Fran says that that is the place to go to look up music publishing and various information related to the business. If you end up selling a song, the money you can make varies. It depends on who buys it and what it’s used for. Fran suggested that I take a song I’ve written, make a copy and notarize both copies. Then, send it registered mail to Estefan Enterprises and see if she’ll buy it. Registered mail at least guarantees me she’s gotten the song even if she rejects it.

Another person he knows is a woman from S. Deerfield who went to a Barbara Mandrell concert. This lady also sings country music and asked to see her tour bus. A female member of Barbara’s bus said she really wasn’t allowed to, but showed her around a little anyhow. When the woman mentioned how she sang country music, she was asked to sing a few bars. When she did, the lady was impressed and gave her a pass. She was told to come backstage after the concert and she’d get a proper tour of the bus. When she did, Barbara was there and she sang for her. Barbara was impressed also and sent this woman plane tickets someplace to make a demo. So, Fran’s point was that it may not happen that way for me, but you never know and I shouldn’t give up. With my luck, if I had sung and sung well for that woman, she’d have simply said, “You’re good and I hope you make it. Good luck.”

And that’s it, though I can almost always sing country music quite well.

My hand is tired from writing so I’ll continue later. Right now I’m gonna go color in my design book. When I continue in a little while, I’ll write about the talk I had with a guy named Bill a few nights ago. At first, the conversation was depressing but then it turned out to be hilarious. I felt a zillion times better and was amazed at how drastically my night changed. Usually, if I feel like shit, I manage to get myself feeling somewhat better by talking to Andy, Kim, Fran or Tammy. Or listening to music, writing or watching TV or talking to CC people, but I went from A to Z last night.

Later…

Soon I’ll be going to sleep. I hope to hell that cleaning crew that comes Sunday nights don’t wake me up. There’ll be war, and I mean war. I called Peter and said that Kim and I have a busy day tomorrow and need to go to bed early. I mentioned how they came at 12:30 last week and usually I’m up at that time but no way will I have it tonight. Kim was pissed.

It’s definitely much easier to sleep here than it was in Springfield. However, there are many things that constantly wake me up here. Other than regular daytime noise, at night it’s either the wind or the fucking cat. Sometimes I hear a bang or they run their shower or flush their toilet next door. I moved the answering machine during the times I’m asleep so I can’t hear the clicking when it resets itself. It has been a while since that dog across the street has woken me up. I knew it would take 1000 complaints to get results, though.

At noon I spoke quickly to Sally but they were asleep so I called an hour ago and left a message.

I still have lots to write about but I’ll finish it tomorrow.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1991
The last few days have been sort of strange. Before I write about that conversation I had with Fran from CC, I’ll update other things. First of all, I don’t know what the fuck is taking Tracy so long to return my call. I’ve left numerous messages.

The night before last, I was so miserable. Once again reality was slapping me so hard in the face. It’s really scary. My sister said I should give it up too, and I’ll never get it but I wish it were as easy to do as it is to say. She said saying you need and want to settle is one thing. Doing it is another. So I thought about it and while I’m not sure yet what job I’ll do, I’ve settled on something else. Personally, I don’t care what job I do or what college I go to. A settlement’s a settlement. Within reason, of course. For example, I’d never want to be a math teacher.

As far as the sex goes, I asked Andy’s opinion and it was exactly what I’ve been considering. I asked him that if he knew and was 100% sure he’d never be able to sleep with someone he was attracted to, would he remain celibate forever or take a butch? He said if he were in my shoes, he’d take the butch cuz you can only be celibate for so long.

Later…

Just as I was writing the last sentence, Andy called. I told him what I’m about to write in this book. I told him about how I spoke to the CC all scared and upset. How all I felt like doing was filling up my tub, jumping in and then throwing my blow dryer in. Holice, a woman who works there, checked into some numbers that may possibly help those who have no transportation. A few people who worked there left messages over the last few days out of concern to make sure I was ok. I’d call them back if I didn’t answer the phone when they called.

I’m slowly but surely managing to reverse my schedule once again. After staying up till nearly noon yesterday, I managed to sleep till 9:30 tonight. When I awoke, there were messages from Holice and Linda from the CC. Also, there was a voice I didn’t recognize. She said, “Hi, I’m calling for Jodi, but I’m not sure if this is Jodi’s house, so I’m not gonna leave my number at this point. I’ll call back though.” At first, I thought it was connected with Maliheh or Jenny, but didn’t think Jenny had knowledge of my number here. It could have been connected with Judy. She was sort of whacked. Now that I think of it, though, the two girls I’m gonna write about said they only left a message. I could hear a man’s voice too, and the split second I heard the female voice, it was different. I also got a call last night at 7:30 or so. I believe they were tied in with Maliheh or Judy, and also, I’m sure Jenny could get this number if she were to try hard enough. I hope whoever it is calls back.

Let me take a cigarette break before I write about Sally and Jill. They’re students at U-Mass who saw my ad at the Gay Alliance.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1991
I’ve desperately got to get my schedule on days. I’ll only sleep for a few hours whenever the hell I knock off. I’ll get up, get ciggies and soda, and also get my food stamps.

Kim and I both felt shitty and we managed to cheer each other up. I called Bob and gave him all my crazy lines. After I did that, he called Kim, and she, of course, pretended not to know what the hell was going on.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1991
When I woke up I was so congested it was sickening. It had been building up and up. I had to stop the Augmentin as it played with my stomach and had yet to follow up with the Dr. for Cecelor. Cecelor is more effective and doesn’t play tricks with my stomach. I knew I couldn’t wait to see Dr. Leitch and had to get some immediate relief. They gave me an updraft and some Cecelor to get me started. Kim’s gonna get the rest of that prescription on her way home from work tomorrow. They also gave me something for the yeast infection antibiotics cause. I’m starting to feel much better already. Even mentally, as I saw Cassandra earlier. We had a nice talk and I’m starting to feel very comfortable confiding in her. She wants to come back twice a week instead of once which is ok with me. She mentioned some idea pertaining to music she’d like to discuss with me this Fri. I have no idea what the heck it is. I’ll just have to wait and see what she says.

Last night Andy called and we had a good talk. I hope he calls again later.

Now, I’ve got to go to the bathroom and maybe take a nice hot relaxing bath in the Jacuzzi. After that, I’ll fix myself something to eat, listen to music and maybe do some taping. I’ll change Shadow’s box when the sun comes up. I’ll be up for several more hours to reverse my schedule.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1991
I am in a sucky, sucky mood right now. That’s PMS. Every woman goes through it. Should I still consider drugs for something that’s normal? Especially when I haven’t hurt anyone, anything or myself? I don’t know if the addiction and mental crutch and side effects are worth it. The asthma medication is enough and it’s not like I’m totally flipping out or going on some mad rampage. I’m still lucky enough to be able to laugh and use my sense of humor even when I feel like shit, whether it’s physically or mentally. Or do singing or other things I do. Usually, when I sing I feel a hell of a lot better. I’m so glad I’m not one of those all-serious or constantly tense types. I hate people who are always 100% tense or serious regardless of what’s going on in their lives, and that are always in a hurry and feel everything has to be perfect. One slight little thing goes wrong and all hell breaks loose. They feel like shit so they’ve got to make someone else feel like shit.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1991
As I was last saying, I was fairly surprised by all that happened. I got a big photo album from Kim where I finally put all my drawings. Now they’ll be safe. I’ve also put some songs I’ve written in there along with family and celebrity photos. I also stuck Kim’s card in, too. It was so cool, the card she gave me. She wrote several of our funny “lines” in it.

She also gave me a cat mug and a wooden black cat you stick on top of a doorframe. A big huge one that looks like it’s about to jump down from the window frame and a little one sitting upright.

She also gave me a big huge Hershey’s chocolate kiss.

Bob gave me a wooden napkin holder he made himself. He carved dogs out of it.

The next day, Bob took me to see Sheila, my probation officer. At first, I was nervous as all hell, but she’s really nice and I felt calmer after a while. After seeing Sheila, who I don’t have to see till Jan. 8th of 1992, we went to a place called Mix-N-Match.

While I remember, before I write more, I’ll be going into Greenfield court this Dec. 18th to get that $40 fee waived. When I do, I am definitely gonna get on with charging both Maliheh and Jenny. I’ll be going to Northampton court too, of course, on Dec. 19th.

So, anyway, at Mix-N-Match, I got some really cute things much cheaper. It’s a super nice bargain store. It’s small yet has a lot of stuff. It is also not a crowd scene in there as it would be in Springfield. I got a placemat to put under Shadow’s bowl, 2 lipsticks, cat litter, a pen, stationery, 2 bottles of nail polish and some ranch Doritos all for $11.

Then, when I got home there was a package outside my downstairs door. It was one of those free trial offers. You get 40 cheap pairs of earrings along with some groceries and household items. It was really nice. Only a few of the earrings were nice. Most of the other earrings I’ll either give away or find some other purpose for them. I got a cute gold heart necklace which I’m gonna send Lisa for her b-day. Her b-day’s Jan. 20th and she’s gonna be 9. Sarah’s 1 and Becky’s 4.

Later…

Some of the things I got in that trial package are nice. Noodle Roni, lemonade mix, Windex wipes, Ajax and a can of cat food. The only thing I got I wasn’t interested in was a bag of pretzels. I gave them to Bob. I told Bob that “Bob’s had a few drinks!!!” It’s one of our lines, but I won’t explain that one right now.

Yesterday I got a card with $25 from Mom and Dad which is just about gone now.

I called the police station and got my answering machine back along with my address book which had nothing to do with my case. Bob and Sandra took me there and then we went to Stop-N-Shit which I like much better than Food Fart. They have a wider variety of their store-brand soda and I also got 5 cans of cat food for 89¢. They’re 3 for 89¢ at Food Fart. I also noticed they had journals unlike at Food Fart. They’re not that spectacular and have 20 fewer pages in them and cheaper paper. But when I saw 2 for $5, I figured what the hell? They’re the cloth-covered kind and they’re both flower designs. Now I have 25 journals and I’m quite set for a long while. These journals will go faster than most of my other ones cuz they have fewer pages and fewer lines on which to write. I pulled them all off the shelf on my waterbed and wrote the addresses I lived at during the time I wrote in that particular journal. I won’t take the journals that come after this one and put this address in. For example, if I take #24 and put this address in, I probably won’t be here. I better not be!

Later on, I’ve got some interesting stuff to write about pertaining to a conversation I had with Fran who works at the CC. He is a very nice and very realistic guy. Perfect to talk to no matter what mood you’re in.

Later…

Will Cassandra be here any moment or not? I forgot. The appointment card she gave me made no sense and neither does what’s written on my calendar.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 6, 1991
Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote. First of all, at about 5:30 PM on the evening of my b-day, Kim called. Immediately her call boosted my spirits and she took me to Ponderosa. Before we went out, before I forget to say, I got calls from Tammy, Mom and Dad. At Ponderosa I had the steak and lobster combo. Boy, did I ever enjoy it! It had been a while since I had eaten food like that. Believe me, I pretty well cleaned my plate, too. Of course, I still have all that shrimp Tammy gave me.

At the restaurant, we were waited on by a not overly pretty, yet pretty enough waitress named Sarah. She was incredibly friendly. After dinner, she placed a piece of cake with a candle in front of me and said, “Happy birthday.” Sarah noticed Kim and I signing and said she wanted to learn. Also, friends of hers wanted to learn, too. She lives in Northampton and we exchanged phone numbers. I knew better though, and sure enough, no call yet. I don’t know her schedule or anything like that, but I have kept my promise to myself. Enough’s enough of me making the first move and approaching people. Or calling them. If someone’s interested in me for whatever reason, let them take that first step for a change.

I haven’t heard from Judy, either. Personally, I don’t think I want to. Things feel not only screwed up but very very weird about her. I either get someone who’s screwed up and if they follow through with getting together after we meet, we fuck each other up. Of course, they fuck me up more cuz they can’t handle my being myself. Also, once again, not all that many people get this far and reach my level regardless of any setbacks I’ve had. People of bad backgrounds, I mean.

On the other hand, I had once hoped for a person with better financial standings and better background, figuring two things. One, her better background would boost my feelings towards myself or I’d feel guilty, ashamed or embarrassed but hey, why not? Two, if she could pay for us to do things two low-income people can’t do every now and then, I could make it up some other way. An example is that if she pays for movies or dinner, I’d do laundry and cleaning and stuff like that. It sounds like that’s the way it should be and it’d balance out nicely, but it’s unrealistic. Opposites clash.

Now, getting back to after dinner on my birthday. Well, when we came home, Kim told me to give her a few minutes to make a phone call. So, after waiting 5 minutes or so, I knocked on her door. She opened it and was in the dark holding a cute little cake with pastel colors she bought. I blew out the candles and made my b-day wish I know will never come true. As I blew out the candles, there was a sudden flash. At first, I thought of Mark till I realized he was working. Kim flipped on the lights and there was Bob. She had called him on her car phone while I ran into a store to buy ciggies.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1991
This has got to be the most boring birthday of my life. Yet, it’s been the same as any other day lately. I do not feel any different from any other age other than my congestion and stomach problems. I’m the same person as well as a totally different person than I was two years ago. That’s life I guess. However, I still say I’m very lucky to have come this far, even though the last several months have been the worst. At least I have learned a lot and do not have to fear for my mental and physical safety constantly.

I know I’ll never find and experience great sex. I don’t like it, but I accept it. Not being able to be a singer is something I’ll never accept or let go of with no hard feelings. All I know is that if I do not take my life within the next year and allow myself to live, I sure hope settling will become easier. I hope I can learn how to settle for a nothing job someday. As far as accepting sex with a butch or a so-so, no way. Not in a billion years and I know I won’t live that long.

Tomorrow, I have to go see my probation officer. I am nervous as all hell. In fact, I’m scared shitless.

I got no mail today but someone did try calling early this morning. Maybe it was Mom and Dad, Tammy or Andy. I don’t know. It could’ve been Tracy, and I wonder why she hasn’t returned my calls. I’ve been leaving messages since Mon. I’m through playing phone tag with her.

I called for proof of SS and SSI benefits and I also called music stores. Of course, no one has Gloria’s songbook, but a place in Hadley is gonna order it.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1991
Not much has happened since I last wrote. Last night I watched part of the last movie I borrowed from Tammy and Bill. I also spoke with Andy for a while.

Tonight I’m gonna watch my shows. Maybe I’ll finish that last movie too, and hope I get to bed at a fairly decent hour.

Thursday I have to see my probation officer and hopelessly discuss that $40 fee. Tracy hasn’t returned my fucking call yet and I’m not gonna play these games forever.

I’ve also got to call the electric company tomorrow to make sure I have a 35% discount and nothing less.

Also, call SS for proof of benefits for an apartment in Norwich.

Lastly, make an appointment to see a dentist. My teeth are a hideous mess.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1991
Well, Chanukah began at sundown this evening. Dad called and we really had a very nice talk. We discussed my visit to Tammy’s and the time with the girls I spent. We also discussed my move whenever the hell that happens. Lastly, I asked him to guess how long my hair is. First, he said down to the floor. Then he said to the crack of my ass, so I told him it’d be there with 3 more inches.

I hope I’m not up all night. Bob’s gonna give me a wake-up call at 9:00. That’s when fuel assistance opens. I’ve got to find out the time of my appointment. I’ll have to put up with Bob’s mouth which is a zillion times worse than mine along with his problems, but it’s worth the ride. When Kim can’t get me to any of my appointments, Bob’s the backup driver. Even Kim’s fed up with him even though he is a very nice guy. Bob reminds me of 3 people. Nervous, Fran and Hank. Mainly Hank, and Nervioso, though.

Speaking of Fran, I spoke to him earlier.

I’m sure glad Dad called. I was becoming really bummed out, then he got me all cheered up.

Kim was in a foul mood too, and I got her all cheered up which she was grateful for. She thanked me. Of course, Kim’s foul moods are a joke compared to mine.

However, as far as bad moods go, I really shouldn’t knock myself as hard as I used to. About that I mean, as with time, I’m really handling my moods better and better. It gets easier and easier to keep from panicking the way I used to. That’s what I mean when I say I’ve got so many things to be grateful for and feel lucky and proud about as well as cursed.

Later…

In half an hour from now, Bob and Sandra are gonna be picking me up. They’re gonna take me to fuel assistance. My appointment isn’t till 4:30. After that, I’ve got to run into a store for milk, soda and some munchies. I’d get cigarettes and cat food, too, but I haven’t withdrawn any cash yet. Shadow still has some dry food, but he’s not really into that. He prefers canned food.

I hope Mom and Dad send me some cash.

I left a message for Tracy regarding the $40 fee. I have yet to hear from her.

I went downstairs to pay my rent and Peter says he’ll put the people who are interested in my place on hold. I explained to Peter how I need to wait for a subsidized apartment.

Bob says he has a 1992 calendar for me. That’s nice of him and helps a lot.

I’ve got to be back by 6:00 cuz that’s when Cassandra will be here. She sure will get a different view of the place since I’ve set it all back up. The way I’ve decorated it looks great. Some things are decorated the same as before. A couple of walls have been totally rearranged. I’m happy with the results.

Well, I have my bank statement ready and also a paper with information that Peter filled out. Believe me, this extra help from fuel assistance will go a long way. It’s been a very, very desperate situation lately.

Later…

Bob and Sandra came to pick me up at 4:00 and by a quarter after we got to Federal St. in Greenfield. As we pulled up, there was this cop I didn’t recognize having this woman take sobriety test steps. Then, as I got out of the car, there was Mark. He says, “Hi Jodi,” sort of shocked. He knew I was going to be going to fuel assistance and I called next door at 3:00. He was just about ready to jump in the shower. I’m simply not used to bumping into him or Kim anywhere other than right here in town. I really like Mark and I can see myself easily attracted to him if I was into guys. Of course, it’d be the same curse as I said it’d be either way. Gay or straight. The guy’s married. Everyone I’ve been or could be interested in will be unavailable for a variety of different reasons. Like I told Cassandra earlier, there’s no “bad luck” or “lousy coincidence.” Pointless to be either negative or positive. It’s all a matter of meant to be or not meant to be. Cassandra agrees with me. Yes, there’s a reason for everything. I’m just not always able to match a reason or explanation to everything in my life, good or bad. One thing is certain and I told Cassandra about it. I know I’ll never have love, but I’ll never again put up with abuse.

In two days I’m gonna be 26 and I was never even supposed to make it to my 16th b-day. So once again, I think of horrible things that I’ve gone through in the past. I think of all the things I really really want, know I’ll never have them, and remain grateful. Try to say, “Well alright. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t deserve this or that yet I’m one lucky dog.” I at least have a beautiful place to live. Clothes, jewelry and things to play with. I’m fairly decent-looking, in shape, and muscular. I’m not at Valleyhead. I guess that’s better than nothing or being homeless, crippled or like Fran. Yes, I know I’ll never have sex with someone I’m attracted to. I know I’ll never be a singer. It hurts and it’s hard to accept but I guess I could be worse off. It’s not fair but maybe I should settle a little more and not be so picky. The only thing I know I’ll never settle for is going to bed with someone who doesn’t turn me on. Even Cassandra could see that I’m quite at peace with myself about some issues. She could see that I’m not happy about the fact that I’ve never been to bed with someone who turns me on and never will. But she could see that I’m happy about being single and am glad that I want nothing more than sex. God, if I wanted the works, I’d really be in trouble. I used to though. People change like she said. Certain desires will never change for me. Like with wanting to be a singer. Others have.

I’ll write about fuel assistance later. I’m going to go and watch some of those videos. Tammy and Bill have a lot of awesome movies. Also, I sang earlier and it was ok. I had slacked off on my exercises for a while so it got tight. Now it’s more open and vibrant. Again, it’s just like with trying to shape up your whole body. It takes a long time to get there, but once you do it’s easier to maintain.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1991
Andy’s calling people while I play the tapes of Fran and other people.

Soon, I am going to try to go to sleep. I just listened to music a little while ago. Now as I lay here, quietly thinking to myself I realize a few things. The bulk of my life I’d never want to relive. However, there are a few things I miss. I really miss Nervous. Not entirely, though. Most of the time he was a sick major fucking asshole. Back when he was obsessed with me, it was a major embarrassment. Back then I didn’t know a lot of things I know now. It’s one of those cases where you say to yourself, if I only knew then what I know now. I also never had 3-way calling then or knew that it even existed. If I could do certain parts of the time when Nervous was so obsessed with me, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Both Kim and Mark came over earlier. I had coffee for Mark and then I showed both of them my stuff from Tammy. I showed them how I put my place back together again. Even if I was gonna move on Jan. 2nd, I never should’ve taken down all my stuff. It was so bare and depressing. So empty and boring despite how beautiful this place is. Cassandra won’t recognize it. She called today to reschedule for 6:00 Monday evening and I told her I put my stuff back. It took me a few hours to do it but it was worth it and it gave me something to do. I rearranged certain things differently this time. It all looks awesome.

Monday I also have to go to fuel assistance, but I forgot what time so I’ll have to call them early in the morning. What an idiot I am for not writing it down. I usually write it down, and if I don’t, I still at least remember the date and time.

I also have to call Tracy about the $40 fee. Tammy cannot help me with that now and I refuse to pay. I was not only led on to believe I’d get my tapes back. I was also led to believe the fee would be waived. Plus, I think they owe me that much after the way they overstepped their boundaries. They’ve screwed up more than I’ve screwed up.

On the 5th I go to see my probation officer. On the 6th for that lactose tolerance test. Believe me, I’m anxious to get that done. On the 9th I go to Dr. Leitch who should have the test results by then. With my luck, the test will be negative and I’ll be so fucking bloated just because and there’ll be nothing I can do about it. No. I’m sure the test will be positive.

I really have to get some sleep now and my hand is killing me!

Later…

Instead of waking up at 10:30, I got up at 1:00. That’s not bad, though.

I haven’t spoken to Kim yet today, but I did speak to Tammy and Fran. I’m playing the edit tape Tammy had right now. I’ve also watched some videos they lent me.

God, as much as I’m going to dread giving up this apartment, I really want to hurry up and move. Cuz of my phone bill along with all the other bills. I shouldn’t have lived it up so soon on the phone. I also never assumed Ma would back out. That’s people for you, though. That’s life too, whether or not they have a legit excuse.

I know I’ll never have anything going for me. At least not anything spectacular. First best and anything else that really matters to me. However, I sure would love to have extra money after I pay for the things I need.

I saw part of those projects and they’re absolutely nothing like the crack houses in Springfield. I’ll have family, buses and a little more of a life even though I know I’ll never have the life I really want. I know my whole life will revolve around second best and I may be bored and bummed out a lot. Feeling cheated and wondering what my purpose in life is. Wondering how I could’ve believed all those years that I knew my destiny. Figured I’d be connected with the right people somehow somewhere. I’ll never know why God took away what was and should’ve been meant to be. Is it a punishment or is it protection? Why did he give me a voice? Why am I so cut out for that type of life and career?

Why am I never allowed to have sex with a person I’m sexually attracted to? I am, however ready to accept a life of complete celibacy. 10% of the time I’ll be unhappy with that, but what can I do? However fair or unfair or due to a curse, I can’t change what’s meant to be or not meant to be. Thinking positively or negatively will never bring me these things if God feels I shouldn’t have them. I only know he’s got his reasons and maybe I’ll never know why. I’ll never have any answers anymore and have pretty much quit trying to figure things out. I’ve learned that from experience. There have been too many things I thought I knew the answers to and why. I thought I knew that certain things were meant to happen and would happen. Instead, I learned the hard way never to count on it until it does or doesn’t happen. The longer I go without trying, the easier it gets not to try. Especially now that I’ve learned a positive, confident attitude isn’t guaranteed to get me anywhere. And then when it comes to music or sex, it’ll get me nowhere. It pisses me off but at least it’s becoming easier to handle with time. You accept it and expect it no matter what mood you’re in.

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Last updated June 07, 2024