June 2023 in 2020s

FRIDAY, JUNE 30, 2023
I was up for-fucking-ever yesterday which is the price I have to pay for having more energy. So today I’m really tired as the long days have caught up to me and I slept shitty the last time around. No matter what your thyroid is like, if you keep staying up a long time and don’t sleep well, you’re gonna be tired. So I’m not going to be doing as much as I’d like to tonight. I wanted to get back to painting, but I’m just too tired. I just reached my daily work quota, ran the dishes, played with a rat, and now I’m taking it easy for the rest of the night. I don’t even know if I’m going to hit the road.

I swear it’s like something wants me tired and because there aren’t as many outside sources here to wake me up with, it’s using my own damn body. When it saw I was getting more energy from extending my waiting time after meds, it made up for it by having me up too long, knowing that would eventually tire me out. I love storms but it’s times like this that I’m glad it’s pretty dry here. I should be able to catch up before the next wave of storms hits.

THURSDAY, JUNE 29, 2023
Tom turned 66 yesterday!

It hit me that the only reason I may have seen my private tweets on my blog was because I was logged into the account. Sometime I’ll log out and see if they still show up.

Tinkerbella is running around the bedroom while I write. I don’t know if Tom didn’t watch the door properly or if she accidentally bumped the latch but she got loose earlier. As soon as she got out, she came looking for me in the bedroom which I was in at the time. Lol.

Going to be having some things coming from both Walmart and Temu. I’m getting a new plush mattress pad. This one is a couple of years old, and they do go flat and get knots in them after a while as the cotton in it settles.

Ordered some pink embroidery floss for beading. A little over a decade ago, when we were living in Auburn, I got a bracelet with beautiful shiny colorful mirrored beads. Over time, the elastic dried out and cracked so I’m going to restring them into a necklace.

Got another cookie sheet similar to my small one for when I’m baking two different things and want them to fit in the oven easier. Besides, the smaller tin cookie sheet is much easier to handle than the big bulky one with the rack.

I also found a small pink dustpan for Tink’s cage and a half-round low-profile mat for inside the door. This one should be similar to the one we have outdoors. It should fit in that area nicely, without my office chair getting stuck on it, or the robot vac, after he takes a heat gun to kill the adhesive holding down the old frayed mat.

The satin sheets have really pilled quite badly, but I still love the feel of satiny sheets, so I’m going to get a couple of sets on Temu even though they don’t last long. You can get a set for the same cost as just a fitted sheet on Amazon. I’m getting pale pink and rosy pink.

I’m also going to get a variety of eyeshadow sticks and glitter temperature-changing lipstick.

We talked about how cool it would be to have a drone and fly it in the field in back but it’s illegal in this state. Temu has these cheap little cameras that are battery-operated, and who says we couldn’t stick one on the end of a little kite? Even if that didn’t work out, they would still be fun to experiment with.

I made a couple of picture blogs. On my main account will be a blog with a random picture of us that I scheduled to post every year until 2090. Then just for kicks, I have one scheduled for 100 years from now, 250 years, 500 years, and 1000 years. Then I created a blog on my other account with pics of my different nail designs. I doubt humans will survive long enough to see them all, but I just thought it would be something interesting and fun to do.

TUESDAY, JUNE 27, 2023
Slept a little bit better but if the 10-cast is right, then I’m not gonna get much sleep after the 4th. We’ve got another wave of storms coming through and of course, my schedule will happen to be all wrong for it.

Andy sent me a “glamor” shot of him wearing his CPAP mask, LOL. His covers his mouth and nose. I just hope to hell I can get used to sleeping with something like that if I do need it. I have a little fatigue today, but it’s not horribly bad. My thyroid definitely has a hand in the fatigue as well. No doubt about it. Again, I was snoring loudly, too.

Ran out to Publix again because I forgot to get yogurt. We grabbed a few other things too.

Saw something weird on the way there. An armored truck with Indiana plates swerving about. They almost ran a red light, and then they didn’t go as soon as it turned green. Stolen or something? Well, if it was, the cop that went by on the cross street didn’t know it.

I was reading an article on medical gaslighting and how unfortunately common it is. One woman was telling her story about being bloated and feeling like something was wrong in her lower stomach. All her complaints to doctors were blamed on poor diet and “just being anxious.” Sound familiar? It sure does to me. Anyway, it turned out to be cancer.

Sometimes I wonder if I should stay connected to Doc A. For one, she wasn’t the greatest doctor. After all, she too wrote my side effects off as anxiety (although she did admit that some of it could be on menopause) and tried to deny that anxiety was even a side effect of levothyroxine.

Secondly, if I hadn’t been the one to figure out that my foot cramps were coming from the statins had there not been an Internet to look that up on, how much worse might it have gotten had I continued taking them with her telling me it was probably caused by something else?

Lastly, I never hear from her. The only time I ever did was when I asked her a question on one of her posts. She never comments or reacts to any of my stuff or replies to my messages. I get that she’s a very busy person, but why add me then?

On the other hand, there’s something gratifying about being connected to her, so I don’t want to let her go at this time.

I dreamed we moved into a fairly large house with two stories. I was gazing around the neighborhood from our place, which was on a corner. The houses were big but close-set. I could tell the next day was going to be a bulk pickup because people had tons of old furniture and appliances out.

After I was done checking out the area and hoping the garbage trucks wouldn’t wake me up the following day, I walked up this strange ramp to the upper floor and into a large window-like thing. The ramp was made of a strange mix of foam and canvas. I could feel it give a little under my weight and wondered how it could support Tom.

MONDAY, JUNE 26, 2023
I removed my Twitter feed from this blog because it was showing private tweets.

I’m a little tired today because I woke up too soon. Not too tired to go to Publix, though. I grabbed some fruits and veggies, and he got some ice cream.

Before that, he had his doctor’s appointment. The doctor was weird because he was sipping coffee during the appointment, coughing a lot, and didn’t even listen to his heart. Isn’t that supposed to be part of the standard check-up?

When Tom told him he has trouble walking outdoors because it’s hard for him to get used to the humidity, the doctor said there was only one thing in the world you don’t get used to and that’s being poor. LOL. I think the reason I don’t mind the humidity as much as most is because it’s what I grew up in. It’s the prolonged exposure to direct sunlight and heat that gets to me after a while.

He’ll have to go for blood work and a chest x-ray. If he qualifies, he will be put on the medication for pre-diabetes that is supposed to help with weight loss as well. The thing is, it’s not something he would take for life. They would likely pull him off of it if his numbers got low enough.

They also referred him to a dermatologist. They didn’t even have liquid nitrogen available there.

Then the poor guy sprung the bleeder from hell when he got home. He was rearranging the lanai in preparation for moving the treadmill out there so I could move the skier to where it was in the living room and have more space for games that require more than a stationary guardian. Then he can have his chair back too since the skier has been sitting right in front of it. He picked up the little wicker table they left here with the heavy seashells on it. One of them went crashing down onto his foot. I’m guessing it hit a vein. He bled all over the floor and needed a large band-aid. After we got him settled, I told him to look on the bright side…we’re going to get the money’s worth out of our carpet cleaner after all.

We’re trying out Meta+ for just a dollar this month. If we like it, then for $8 a month, we can get two free games a month. You don’t get to keep them if you cancel but if you restart your subscription, they’ll be available again. One of the games we got is based on an old game from 1995 and I’m not sure how the hell it works yet. The other game is called Pistol Whip, and it’s ok.

SUNDAY, JUNE 25, 2023
Ugh, over a week away until the 4th, and already the fireworks are starting. It still surprises me being in a small town with so many old people.

For the last couple of days, I’ve had more energy. Enough to go to the pool which was too crowded. The new addition doesn’t help. I guess that’s why they’re going to be building another pool. A couple of preteen kids were there, and while they were mostly civilized, there were just too many people to be able to swim up and down the pool comfortably.

So it’s looking like yes, the waiting time does have something to do with my energy levels. Before, I wasn’t quite sure. I may still have sleep apnea, though. This morning I was snoring so damn loud for some reason that I woke myself up even over the sound machine. As I said, if something up there doesn’t have outside sources to use to curse my sleep with, it uses my own damn body. Next time it will probably be a nightmare.

The question is how the hell to find the balance between good energy and normal numbers without anxiety and insomnia?

Interesting how a TSH of 32 doesn’t make me damn near comatose when I was first diagnosed in 2014 but now a TSH of 9 does. We definitely can’t handle things as well as we could when we were younger. It truly sends chills down my spine to think of having this disease back in October of 2000. If it took me over a month to get a lousy inhaler, I’d hate to think of how long it would have taken to get my thyroid med. They would have easily let me slip into a coma, or maybe even have a heart attack. There’s literally no way I could go that long without this medication. Not at this point. That six-month sentence would have been a death sentence. If not, I certainly would have ended up in the hospital. Of course, they would have gotten away with it too.

Do I think we’ll ever find the right balance in present times? No, I don’t. After all this time of hopelessly trying, I realize more and more that it’s just not meant to be. It’s like trying to make a tall person short or a gay person straight. Even with my hormones now settled down, I’m still super sensitive to this medication. The only difference between now and then is that it’s not as severe because I know what to do about it as soon as I start feeling symptoms.

I know some people would like it if I wrote on PB full-time, but the more time that goes by, the less I care for it. It’s so full of spam that sometimes the entire front page is taken over by it. A notice was posted about measures they plan to take to try to combat the problem but they’ve been talking about this for quite a while now. Blogger is my number one preferred platform for writing because it’s the most secure and should be around forever. I also like the versatility that comes with it. I’ll still check in on PB every now and then.

The rat has been so much fun. She’s got an endless amount of energy. She’s very playful and affectionate and loves exploring. She was really agitated and restless and from what we read, it suggests she was in heat which they’re in every 4 to 5 days but she’ll eventually get used to it. Tinkerbell wasn’t like this but by the time we got her, she was a little older.

Tom set up some things in her playpen for her to explore. She was having fun exploring all the interesting boxes he set up but as soon as I walked up to the pen, she ran over to be picked up. So cute!

I heard her squealing the other night and ran over to find she got her tail caught in part of the bars of the cage. Fortunately, that hasn’t happened again, but if it does, we’re going to have to get a different cage.

Looking at my DNA relatives on 23andMe got my cousins on my mind. So for the first time in about a decade, I looked in on my first cousins, Lori and Lisa. June has an account too but there wasn’t much to see.

Lori’s aged well and Lisa is a total shocker. How can one be big into their early 20s (when I last saw/talked to them) and then be anorexically thin later in life when most of us pack on the weight? Usually, if you grow up on the heavy side and stay that way into your 20s, that’s a sign that it’s in your nature to be that way. She was thin when I looked in on her a decade ago but when I say she’s thin, I mean really thin. Almost too thin. Her biceps are skinny little twigs and her clavicle bones show. Weight loss surgery? A disease? An eating disorder? My first thought was an eating disorder but this late in life? My next guess is weight loss surgery but could it be this effective for this long? If it was a disease, why isn’t there treatment for it? I would definitely like to know what her trick is, although as long as I’m low on thyroid, there isn’t much that’s going to help me.

Just for kicks, I slapped my blog link on Lori’s wall since she was the only one that allowed anyone to comment, then removed it after a couple of days. There was no response, and no blog visit (unless she’s a hider) but I’m not surprised. I think in her mind no reaction is worth not removing it or checking the link out. There’s always a possibility that she hasn’t been on Facebook over the weekend and doesn’t even know who the hell I am since she wouldn’t know my married name. Maybe she thought it was just spam. Either way, it doesn’t matter.

No hard feelings at this point but we’re virtual strangers. We’ve had no contact since the late 80s. Besides, if you can’t forgive someone for a few pranks and reaching out to them in a scary situation, then you’re no one I want to associate with. I mean, come on. This was over 30 years ago. But again, we’re virtual strangers, so I can’t say what she thinks and what she feels and it doesn’t matter anyway. Sure, I’m sometimes curious by nature because I’m a naturally curious person but in the end, she’s a stranger as is the rest of her family. I did have my maiden name visible for quite some time and any number of people could have looked me up and reached out to me if they’d cared to. Also, if Lori or her sister had a problem with me, they could have come to me about it.

Part of her problem may have been connected to the inheritance we received from our grandparents - not that I had any control over that - and my hatred for her father who was such a mean bastard. Had I been then like I am now…

FRIDAY, JUNE 23, 2023
Got a reply to my weekly email from Kim in just a few hours, as usual. We have a game we play where we make up goofy titles and there’s always food in hers, not surprisingly, the little pig. I think she would literally eat herself to death if it was up to her. I don’t think she would realize the consequences or even care. Pretty sure her ultimate dream life would be to impersonate celebrities online and swoon over the attention it would bring while she stuffed the shit out of herself. I’m just surprised her family let her get over 300 lbs even if she eventually lost 100 of it. Again, this is someone with the mind of a five-year-old.

Ah, to have such simple dreams, be healthy almost all the time, sleep like a log, and be a kid forever so I could always see the world through a child’s eyes!

Linda brought me my nail stickers yesterday but didn’t stay. She was all worn out from physical therapy.

Before that, we ran out to Publix and I jogged a little bit through the store trying to catch him after we split up for a bit and that damn near wiped me out. It left me so tired, and my HR was a little elevated as well. Again, I really hope this is just a matter of sleep apnea and nothing else.

As usual, I woke up tired today and ended up napping for a bit. This is getting to be fucking ridiculous and quite worrisome. I’m trying not to dwell on it much and drive myself crazy with worry, but it’s hard. Especially since my appointment is still over a month away. Hopefully, some of it is caused by the elevated TSH, and extending my waiting time and increasing my med a bit will help.

Tom has this thing called a TENS that you stick to the part of your body that has muscle, tendon, or ligament aches and it zaps the area. It’s similar to how the tummy zapper we had 25 or so years ago worked. It alternates between pulsing and steady vibes. I’m not sure it helped much, but we both have issues with our left shoulders. His is because he was stupid as a kid like most of us are, and he pulled it out of the socket a lot. I’m not sure what mine is from. Maybe an injury or just arthritis.

23andMe has this thing now where you can see your ancestors from all over the world even if you only share barely a percent of DNA. Most of my relatives are in the US of course, but I was surprised to find that next up was Poland. I really thought Russia and Austria would be second and third since my grandfathers were from those countries. Russia is third, but Austria is further down the list. Even Germany is above Austria. I recognized some of the names, but some I didn’t.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21, 2023
Talk about a shitty day so far! Really thought my TSH would be 6-7. instead, it’s at 9. I wanted to scream when I saw that. So maybe it really is a progressive disease and it’s continuing to die off because I haven’t gained weight recently. My T4 is still the same as it was when my TSH was at 7. It’s at 1.3.

A Galileo doc wanted to do a video chat with me so she and I chatted for a few minutes. Since I’ve been feeling OK lately emotionally, we agreed that I would try taking 75s twice a week every other week and once a week every other week. The rest of the time will be 88s. She said I should try waiting an hour before food and drink instead of a half hour which I’ve been doing a lot of the time lately. In six weeks, I go back to the lab.

My endo appointment can’t come fast enough! Of course, neither can the pulmonology appointment. I’m still battling fatigue big time. Tom and I both agree that it’s likely that most of that is on sleep apnea and not thyroid.

Anyway, the doctor said that maybe there would be a different brand I could take or something like that but I have my doubts. I swear it’s like something wants me fat and tired. I would have to see the endo be of help to believe it. The last two didn’t help but I do understand that times change so maybe there’s something new I don’t know about.

Yesterday, at the end of my day, I took a hit off my inhaler because my lungs were a little tight and that perked me up. Tried that again today even though I wasn’t tight, and it didn’t help. I’m still pretty out of it. In fact, Linda is going to bring me the Color Street nail stickers I claimed from her online inventory tomorrow afternoon since I barely have any energy to walk the short distance to her house. This is pretty ridiculous. At least my nails will look good. I claimed Soho Ver It and Snake My Day.

Tom took a life expectancy survey, and it told him that he would live 18 more years and that the last four years of his life wouldn’t be healthy. Sometimes I wonder if it would tell me I’ve only got 10 years or less to live in all of it will be unhealthy. Really, I’m so exhausted that it’s a struggle just to do this entry. I didn’t wake up due to thunder, but I woke up a million times anyway. It’s been stormy for most of the day with rain and some thunder mixed in.

I feel so horrible for those trapped in the missing submersible. It makes me doubt the existence of God even more. If there is one, what kind of God would say to the thousands of people who have prayed for their recovery, “Nah, I’m going to let ‘em all suffocate to death instead.”

Oh, wait a minute. He’s supposed to have his “reasons” for everything, right?

In happier news, Tinkerbella is a totally awesome rat. Best we’ve had since Tinkerbell! She’s intelligent, playful, affectionate, doesn’t grab food roughly, and doesn’t pee all over like male rats do to mark their territory. She’s truly great all around.

Had a dream that I was stuck in this private school or prison of some kind that was totally weird. I didn’t know Tom in the dream. They expected to sleep 8 women per one full-size bed. They had our names along the headboard. I was assigned to a spot on the end and while I was glad to be on the end, I knew I was going to be pushed off with so many people in the bed.

Then I realized it was late in my day, and I told one of the staff members I was going to start unwinding.

“No, you’re not,” she said.

“Yes, I am,” I said back sternly, not willing to be bossed around.

Then I was trying to have a video chat with my dad who was alive and seemed upset with me for something.

TUESDAY, JUNE 20, 2023
Florida, I love you. I really do. But you need to keep your skies quieter when I’m sleeping. Yeah, I’m feeling as shitty as I did a couple of days ago. Talk about bipolar energy levels! Again storms broke up my sleep and again I’m wondering how I’m going to survive storm season. It’s not even July yet! My sleep is almost certainly doomed tonight as well. While it would be a lot easier on me if I could sleep from around midnight to 6:00 like most people, nobody’s going to get much sleep tonight. I really, really wish we could get the bedroom soundproofed! At least we shouldn’t have to worry about Hurricane Bret. We decided that if we get evacuated again and are able to head north, we’re going to go up to Ocala.

For tonight, I’m going to take hydroxyzine before bed, turn the sound machine up louder, and throw an ear plug in my good ear.

Yesterday, I had more energy and was pretty productive even though the energy didn’t last all day. It was still a good day. First I went to the lab for a blood draw. I’m expecting the results anytime now.

When we got back we played with Tink and played golf and then I hit the road and finished his birthday present. I’ve got 660 miles left to go of my trip but there’s no way I’m going to have the energy to ride today.

We also did some health work (as usual) by filling out forms for the PC he’ll be seeing soon and the pulmonologist I’ll see not soon enough.

In 1962 or so, before I was even born and when Tom was only about 5 years old, he was hospitalized for weeks. He had a sinus infection that spread and they said it changed his entire personality. I guess he was outgoing and sociable until then. When he was older they told him his best friend at the time came over to play and he insisted they weren’t friends and he didn’t want to play with him.

I also met with Helen and sometimes I still wonder if I’m throwing our money away or if she’s really helping. I sometimes feel like it’s hard for her to accept that we’re on opposite sides of the coin when it comes to women’s rights, God, etc. I like her but we definitely have different views on some things. If I’d known better (and I should have), I would have tried to seek out a non-Christian therapist if there is such a thing in this state. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only liberal, non-religious person in the state who isn’t sure there’s a God.

In some ways, she’s kind of hypocritical because in one breath she talks about free will and how her God gives us choices, but then in the next, she’s heavily implying that she doesn’t think women should have a choice when it comes to their own bodies.

Anyway, it was kind of funny when we were discussing my bio mom and how women had kids back in the ’60s even if they didn’t want them because that’s what you did back then. Then, as far as abortion goes, Helen said it was a good thing she didn’t have that option.

Actually, I’ve spent a good deal of my life wishing she’d lost or gotten rid of me and I also know how my mother was. If she wanted something bad enough, she found a way to get it. Just like with those of today who can’t get a hold of an abortion pill or have one done in a clinic, where there’s a will, there’s a way to end a pregnancy if you really don’t want it. My mother would have gotten rid of me had she wanted to.

“But who gets to decide who lives and who dies?” Helen asked me.

Yet I still don’t believe for a minute that a fetus has any sense of awareness, especially in the first trimester.

She also told me that studies have shown that what you tell yourself, you believe, but I’m not sure I believe we humans are that easy to brainwash. If I told myself I was rich, I’m not going to believe it. Maybe it might help some people when it comes to little white lies, like telling yourself some magical God or guardian angel is looking down on you that’s protecting you, even if that may not be true and has never been scientifically proven.

SUNDAY, JUNE 18, 2023
What a horrible night! Tons of loud thunder all night long. As if being woken up half a dozen times by thunder wasn’t bad enough, I had to have a nightmare on top of it. I woke up boxing some guy to death who wanted to kill me and a young woman I was with. The woman and I were in the guy’s house. I’m not sure why we were there, but the guy was about average height and weight and when the woman logged food she was eating on a piece of paper, I pointed out that there were food-logging apps that were convenient. The way she looked at me suggested the guy wouldn’t let her near a phone.

Curious to see how he would react as he busily went about preparing food in the kitchen, I mentioned grabbing my phone to let my husband know where I was. Sure enough, he started to protest in a way that told me he planned to enslave us. I went into an instant rage and shouted at him as I stomped toward him, “You don’t tell me what to do with my stuff!”

Then I started punching him about the face and head either killing him or knocking him unconscious.

The storms caused me to sleep a little longer and I even ended up napping for over an hour. I just got up for good and I’m sipping my coffee. Still pretty damn tired too. Tom went back to sleep. He woke up at 3 and couldn’t get back to sleep right away. I’m back to worrying about how I’m gonna survive July and August and wishing to hell we had money to have the bedroom properly soundproofed. I’m sick of not being able to do all the upgrades we want to do in every fucking place we moved to!

Did I mention that I have to go to the lab tomorrow morning? I think I added that in one of my blogs but anyway, yeah, gotta go for a TSH draw and then I meet with Helen at 9. Damn, do I hope my TSH isn’t worse than last time! It shouldn’t be. On this dose, I expect a 6 or 7 and that’s pretty much what the scale says.

Since I’m not sure that I can get her hammocks to last for several months, I spotted a good deal on a 10-pack of double-layered hammocks like what she has and grabbed them because I think I’m going to have to change them every month or so with the way she chews on them. They get pretty smelly after a while too, but I’m afraid to wash them for fear of them falling apart because of the way she chews on them.

I was reading about someone who plans to do a paid search on someone, but not even I find myself that curious. I guess to me, it’s like crossing a line into obsession. I can totally see if you do it for a potential lover, roommate, or employee but if you’re paying just to see what you can dig up, you’re no longer curious. You’re obsessed.

SATURDAY, JUNE 17, 2023
I can’t seem to stop changing background pictures here. It’s just so much fun playing with all the different designs. LOL.

I have the volume on the camera now and the wind chimes are right near the camera, so I can hear the tinkle of the wind chimes in here. And it’s so nice. If the radar knows half of what it’s saying, we’re going to get slammed all day today. We got a nice storm yesterday too. We’re getting to that time when they should be pretty much every day for a couple of months.

Sinkholes are common in Florida, and I guess they’re investigating one that may open up in the back of the park. They’ve got the road closed. It’s a good thing it’s not near us!

Each day I love this little rat more and more. I would be devastated and totally in tears if she was suddenly gone. Her little pink playpen arrived yesterday and it was so cute how she climbed all over me and around the playpen as I sat inside it with her. Then I stood up and stepped outside of it when she was on the opposite side. I called her over to me and she came right to me.

You really do want to get rats as young as possible. I think the reason we had some that just weren’t all that great was that they were older and it was too late to train them. Because rats are smart, they can be taught somewhat but not like when they’re babies. We’ve also mostly had males in the past, and the females are definitely quicker to catch on.

I’m tired today as usual. I slept for six hours, got a sleep score of 78 which is very low for me, and had huge spikes in oxygen.

Going to the lab on Monday morning.

FRIDAY, JUNE 16, 2023
Ugh, I’m horribly, horribly tired, even though I slept over 7 hours and got a decent sleep score. This time, there was only one little spike of orange too, on the oxygen chart. This is so frustrating and very worrisome too. It’s like when I first noticed I was unable to lose weight where I certainly don’t want anything to be wrong, but if they don’t find anything that could be causing this, I would be so frustrated! I ate shitty stuff yesterday which could be part of why I’m really bad today, but I still think that for the most part, this doesn’t have anything to do with lifestyle, emotions, or thyroid. I’m thinking sleep apnea or heart.

I thought of how Tom said he couldn’t believe the doctors wouldn’t notice if anything was wrong with my heart. But they weren’t testing for that. EKGs don’t always tell it all. They wouldn’t notice that I’ve got Hashimoto’s either. Something’s definitely wrong. I just hope they can find it and that I can stand whatever it takes to treat it.

I still fear I’m doomed to suffer from one thing or another for the rest of my life. I hope I’m wrong, even though I haven’t gotten a break in about a decade!

Early yesterday morning, we had torrential rains for about 10 minutes. There was some thunder but nothing that would have woken me up if I’d been asleep.

Went to Denny’s shortly before 6:00 AM and I got the best chicken strips ever. They were really good. I had French fries and onion rings along with it. So a nice treat albeit not very healthy. He got his usual ham and cheese omelet.

Came home and golfed, and then I went to Denmark. I was too tired to get close to Sweden, but maybe in a day or two, if I can ever wake the hell up. I’m gonna have to nap after I eat a little. How can I have insomnia at the same time I have fatigue??? I thought I would crash earlier yesterday, but I didn’t. I was up for 18 or 19 hours.

Had so much fun playing with Tinkerbella yesterday. The first few days we had her, I wasn’t sure if I’d made a mistake. The next few days, I would have been a little bummed out if she was suddenly gone. Now I’d be heartbroken. She’s greased lightning as they usually are as babies. She was jumping and running all over me as I lay on the bed with her and was running all over the bed as well. She’s definitely getting way more curious about the world around her.

THURSDAY, JUNE 15, 2023
Happy 29th anniversary to us! Oh, and be careful what you wish for. The other day, I was missing having rats that liked me enough to be a pest and today I got what I wished for and missed. It’s definitely not all about food anymore. I had given her plenty yet she was still climbing all over me for attention while my own food that just finished cooking was getting colder, haha. She’s definitely getting curious to explore her surroundings. It’s so adorable how she leaps onto my shoulder when I open her cage door. She was trying to pull me into the cage too, LOL, tugging on my shirt. I just wish she didn’t bite as much, playful or not, but rats do that at times.

She’s grown in the two weeks she’s been here. It will be interesting to see if her fur remains silky soft like Tinkerbell’s did. Males do tend to have coarser fur, so we’ll see.

Speaking of Tinkerbell, it’s interesting that Tinkerbella changes for the better after I pleaded to Tinkerbell in my mind to please let go of her jealousy. I told her, if you somehow go on and it’s true that you’re jealous of any future rats and fear them taking your place, there’s no chance of that. You were my queen and you always will be. But please don’t be negatively affecting future rats. Please let them be as fun and loving as you were, even though none can ever replace you.

Then two days later, Tinkerbella is all over me instead of running away. Coincidence? Sure makes me wonder!

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m ever gonna be able to go a day in my life without hearing about Trump and seeing that ugly face online, along with DeSantis and racism. The support for him isn’t just disgusting, it’s downright frightening. How many people do you have to be accused of raping and how many derogatory comments do you have to make regarding women, let alone have a hand in stripping their rights before you start losing supporters? Seriously, how much deceit, dishonesty, and blatant lies does one need to tell before they lose support? What if he had succeeded in having the government overthrown and we’d been cast into a dictator country? Would people still support him then?

Anyway, even though I’m as tired as I usually am, we’re gonna be going to Denny’s early this morning. I usually get steak and eggs but I think I’ll get the chicken tenders this time if not salmon. Tom doesn’t enjoy eating out, so that’s why we’re not going to Red Lobster. Denny’s is our compromise. I’m going to lie down and see if I can nap a bit for now.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 14, 2023
Major breakthrough with training Tinkerbella. Rats aren’t as vocal as people think so she knows she can “call” me by running around the cage and I’ll hear it rattling. I put her in the carrier and took her into his bathroom. I sat with my back against the wall and placed her carrier next to me. Just like with Tinkerbell, I could see the excitement, curiosity, and affection in her eyes. She came out and climbed on me, and then climbed back down. But instead of going the other way and exploring, she turned around and climbed back up on me all the way up to my shoulder. It was so cute. Jessie said she wants a rat named Remi because that was the name of the rat in Ratatouille.

So running around the house at some point… I don’t know. But she can definitely do bathroom time.

I slept horribly, waking up hot and sometimes cold. I managed to nap for an hour after I got up. I’m gonna hit the shower and hit the road soon. When I got to the German border, everything froze and I thought, this is it. End of trip. But then it jumped me to Hamburg. Since only the big cities have Google Street View there, I’m guessing I won’t be able to go straight to Denmark. As of now, I’m 60% through the trip whereas I was 45% at the border. I went from having 1100 miles left to go to 850 miles. My rank is now 190.

Yesterday I felt a bit short of breath and wasn’t sure if it was anxiety I was also feeling or what. I felt the sensation of my heart racing, even though it wasn’t according to Fitbit. It was just beating a little hard. My first thought was that I was overdoing it on the road because I was on for almost two hours yesterday. Then I noticed my weight was down a bit, and my first thought was that all the exercise was finally having an effect on me but then I realized it wouldn’t do that in just a few hours. It then hit me that I was getting carried away with the poison again. When I feel calmer, I take one 75 during the week instead of two. Knowing it would only get worse and is probably why I’m having insomnia and trouble staying asleep as well as feeling warmer, I’ll make sure to take two 75s this week. No way I’m gonna push it when I know damn well what will happen.

I had a dream I was sitting at a table with Shannan from my old dentist’s office in California. She got so pissed when I brought up the subject of my weight that she left the room, LOL.

Then I had a dream we just moved out of the Phoenix house, but not before a single guy moved in next door. I was telling Tom the only reason a quiet, single guy moved in over there was that we were moving and that if we weren’t moving anytime soon, we would have gotten stuck with a nightmare with our shit luck. As I lay in bed wherever the new place was, I was glad not to have a driveway running alongside the bedroom. Yeah, I don’t miss those days for real.

Heading out to Publix early in the morning and to pick up his new glasses.

MONDAY, JUNE 12, 2023
Since my (friend?) recommended Harry Potter books and movies, I decided to at least check out what they’re about. I see it’s in the fantasy genre. Not my cup of tea but I can see where it would be great stuff for those who are into that sort of thing despite hearing some negative things about the author.

It’s funny because I was recently remembering the doll we sold at the end of the recession. I’ve collected dolls on and off since 1998, and Robert Tonner is a company that sells 16” vinyl fashion dolls. There are a few that are a little shorter and taller. Sometimes they’re made-up characters, but other times they’re characters from movies. I had the Hermione doll and was vaguely aware of who she was, but bought her because I liked the doll and the purple ruffled dress she wore. In 2011 or 2012 I decided to sell some dolls and we sold her on eBay for a whopping $450! We thought that was a typo or some kind of error at first.

Limiting my meat to fish only has been easier said than done. I got some pecan-smoked chicken because not only do I like it and crave variety every now and then, but Tinkerbella loves chewing on the bones.

I had a dream about a rat I really loved and I wish I could say that about this one but she’s continuing to be timid. She’s only interested in us when she wants food. She’ll play with us at times but she’s one of those rats that would prefer not to be handled, unfortunately. I swear Tinkerbell put a spell on our future rats! She was queen and she knew it and she was determined to keep it that way even long after her sad demise.

Speaking of sad demises, I still miss the hell out of Aly and having a close friend that was also into writing and that was so damn intelligent. She was 15 years younger and so many times I was like, wow, I didn’t know that at her age, and I’m considered pretty smart myself. But she was even smarter and I enjoyed learning from her instead of being the one to teach others this and that. We never noticed our age difference and we seemed to balance each other out having just as much in common as we didn’t. She was smart and serious whereas I was often silly and eccentric.

One of the things I really liked and that I found quite flattering was how interested she was in my ordinary life. Not only that but she really got me and she remembered things about me. One time, even though we didn’t put much value in these kinds of things, she was telling me about her yearly horoscope prediction for those born in 1981 as she was. I asked her what mine said, and she said she would look at 1965. I remember being happily amazed that she remembered my birth year and knew that some of my childhood friends would likely need to have me remind them what year I was born. It was nice to have someone other than Tom who understood me well and remembered things about me and to have a close female friend since many of my friends were male. I think that growing up with a lot of rejection and disinterested people around me is what made me come to appreciate this sort of thing even more.

It only became frustrating when I wasn’t able to learn as much about her as curious as I was. She was a little more private than me, but it wasn’t just that. Keeping journals about her life just wasn’t her thing. Occasionally she would share stuff about her life in posts but it was mostly stories. She was just one of those who liked to learn more about others rather than share stuff about herself. Erotica mostly, also not my genre, LOL. What people tell me about themselves is up to them but it was still nice to have someone I didn’t know all my life remember both big and little things about me. Can anyone who’s read my journal for more than a year tell me what month my birthday is WITHOUT looking it up?

Time to don my headset and head for the Netherlands tonight. I just may play Prime Music instead since the radio stations in the app are kind of limited. It just gets a little old having MC Hammer tell me I can’t touch this, you know? 😉

SUNDAY, JUNE 11, 2023
Journey to the Center of the Earth is the newest golf course. It’s not the greatest, but it’s pretty cool. I like the rise and fall of the water in the caves and how you have to wait for the water level to drop before you can hit the ball on some of the holes. Plus the crystal caves and huge glowing mushrooms.

It totally fucking figures that this state sees a huge jump in new residents over the last couple of years. Well, of course it did! I’m here so why wouldn’t the population skyrocket? Why does everyone want to go where I want to go?

This rat may never like people in the way Tinkerbell, Blondie, Little Buddy, and Scuttles did but she’s getting a little better. I took her in her little carrier and placed her on the bed and lay down next to it. She came out and climbed on me and around the bed a bit. She’s faster than me, though, so I have to be careful not to lose her. She wouldn’t be easy to get back at this point. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust her to have much freedom but maybe one of these nights I can let her run around loose in the bathroom or something and see how she does.

The last couple of days I’ve had decent energy and I’m starting to wonder if it’s because I was skimping on my vitamins to make them last longer and save money. Seems a little too easy but anything is possible. I’ll keep taking full doses and see what happens. I’ve been having watermelon too which they say is good for brain power and energy.

I had a dream Termite Tammy left a comment on my blog. I can’t see her doing that at this point in life unless she believed she was being “provoked” somehow but I know how to ignore anyone I don’t want to hear from.

Later…

10:10?! I couldn’t believe it when Alexa told me that was the time when I awoke from my nap. I hope that isn’t going to cause my schedule to jump too fast, and I still have storms to worry about interfering with my sleep between now and the end of next month too. I appreciate that I feel better since 5 hours isn’t enough sleep, but I was supposed to get up for the last time at around 8. Not after 10.

During the long nap, I dreamt we moved. The place was bigger but I’m not surprised since most places are. It seemed old and weird, though. There was an ugly giant black pot built into the middle of the kitchen. It was 3 or 4 feet in diameter and about 4 feet high. Tom was boiling a bunch of potatoes in it that seemed to float. When I came into the kitchen and found him doing this, I was like, “How the hell are we gonna get all that water out of there?” and he assured me there was a drain.

For the fourth day, not that I’m complaining, I’ve heard way fewer planes. I could get used to it too.

Fitbit has become a bit of a pain to log in to. So I’m thinking I’ll do what I did when Aly was alive and tweet a random nature or animal pic when I wake up. She used to like it when I did that so she knew when I would be around. I like to remember when I get up for scheduling appointments and just things in general. So I will have gotten up about 5 to 10 minutes before I tweet the pic since I first liked to use the bathroom and take my thyroid pill.

Tinkerbella now begs at her door when she sees me cooking. Too cute! She’s getting a little playful, too. Rats will wrestle with your hand like kittens and puppies do.

FRIDAY, JUNE 9, 2023
I make 1-3 journal posts a day but I’ve seen some people journal like some people tweet, LOL. Tons of entries a day!

Had another fun day at the pool. The redneck and his girlfriend, Julie, were there. They brought Happy with them, which pool rule #4 states you’re not allowed to do but personally, if the dog isn’t noisy or dangerous, I don’t give a shit.

A couple of other ladies were with them. I think one’s name was Sandy and the other was Karen.

Anyway, as soon as we headed for the pool, I heard the redneck say, “That’s Jodi.” Julie was glad to meet me. Tom has already met the redneck. He used to stop by and chat with Tom when the yard was first sodded. They were all very nice but I can see why Happy is noisy at times. He’s way better than he was the first few months he was here so I guess it really was all about him being in a new place and not just how he is, but they were kind of encouraging him too. They made these funny sounds on their way out which encouraged Happy to bark a little and make this weird howling sound.

I was worried at first that they were all smoking since there was a guy sitting right outside of the pool smoking and that was annoying enough because it was drifting in my direction. Don’t ever buy into that crap about smoke following beauty! I’m not ugly but I’ve come to be very average-looking in my older age.

They left as soon as we got in the pool, and Tom suspected it was because they had the dog with them. He was so funny too, and said at least it was nice that I didn’t call him redneck. Haha. Then, when I was saying I didn’t care anymore if anyone I knew found my blog, I said, “What are they going to do? Come beat me up.”

He jokes and goes, “I would.” LOL

Funny how the people in the group are rude and the people at the pool are nice. It’s probably better that way though. You can’t punch anyone through a computer.

I’m in Belgium now heading for the Netherlands. I was discussing Google Street View in the VZ group, and yes, Germany restricts that for the most part. The question is, will I get stuck at the border like I got stuck at the Namibia border? Or will it jump me over to Denmark? We’ll find out in a few days.

I had a dream that my parents were alive and came to visit. Instead of each house having its own driveway, there was a big parking lot in which the houses surrounded. I saw a van driven by someone from the airport bring them and some others into the parking lot. I could see my dad was engaged in a discussion with someone sitting in back with him and Mom. As soon as the car stopped and the doors opened, I started to talk and my dad looked startled for a moment and then glanced at me as if he hadn’t realized they had stopped. A second later, they were in our place and Dad asked for a beer. I asked Mom if she wanted anything along the way and she said no.

THURSDAY, JUNE 8, 2023
Another day of horrible fatigue though I’m feeling good emotionally. We went to the pool not long after I got up yesterday. There was a couple there and a woman by herself and we all chatted with each other. Amazingly, I didn’t hear a single plane overhead the whole time. The second to last time the water was chilly but last time it was nice.
I learned something from Irma the other day and that’s the location of the dogs I can hear off in the distance at night. I was surprised to learn they were coming from the subdivision in the opposite direction of where I thought they were coming from. I’m surprised because I don’t see how their owners can sleep through that or anyone close to them. That would be like trying to sleep with someone shouting outside your windows all night long. How does one do that? I’m also surprised that’s allowed either way. I thought in those kinds of subdivisions dogs had to be pets only. Makes me think it’s not a 55+ place but all ages since anything goes in the mainstream. Another reason to be glad I adamantly insist we don’t live not only close to busy roads but the mainstream.

I expect to slam the Belgian border sometime tonight! My rank is now under 200. I’m 41% through the trip and have gone nearly 1000 miles.

At first I started to wonder if we made a mistake in getting the rat and I’m still not sure if she’ll be an outstanding rat of any kind, but she’s definitely getting braver and more curious. Very smart too, but female rats are usually smarter than males, anyway. She seems to catch on quicker than the guys did. Tinkerbell was this way too. As for how much she’s going to want to play with me and sit with me and all that remains to be seen. We got a little pet carrier that will be good for when we bomb that I also thought I’d put by my desk throughout the night so she can get used to me being close by. She sure is quite a beggar now. LOL.

I talked to Mrs. Twenties last night. She and Mr. Twenties miss us and say maybe they’ll visit someday. Not surprisingly, it’s now been over a year since they turned the water off there. As I said, everything changes for the better when we leave a place. rolls eyes I still don’t think it’s anywhere near as quiet as this place. It can’t be. Not in that location. I should just be glad that this place hasn’t gotten significantly worse in the almost two years we’ve been here. Still, don’t think it will stay like this forever, though.

Still in touch with Mitch, Christine, Irene, and Becky but rarely hear from Adonis and Eileen.

Doc A’s birthday was yesterday. She’s about 45 now. That kind of explains the personality, LOL. She’s certainly not mean and abusive like my mother was but she tends to have a dry sense of humor and be more on the serious side.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7, 2023
Wrote this on another site and thought I would share.

Family… My parents and one brother died in 2012. My one sister is alive but I don’t have anything to do with her or her bratty brood. My husband Tom isn’t in touch with his family either. His parents and one of his 4 siblings are deceased. My husband is my number one in life. He’s the only one who really gets me. He lets me be who I am and always supports me. He’s super smart and is 8.5 years older than me and I’m 57. Like many couples in our age group and younger, we opted out of kids in the end so we could be wonderfully selfishly free and adventurous, even if we were met with some disasters along the way.

Friends… I’m not a social butterfly so I don’t see many people in person. My closest friends don’t live near me and that would be Andy, a gay guy I’ve known all my life, and Jessica (Jessie), a childhood friend. There’s Kim, too. She was a nurse in the ER that I had the misfortune of visiting one day with an asthma attack in 1991.

Neighbors… I have a habit of assigning various neighbors, including family members, nicknames based on their appearance or habits, and yes, some of them aren’t very nice. While I have met some rude people where I live, my closest neighbors have been nice so far. I haven’t nicknamed all of my neighbors as sometimes nothing comes to me. But you’ll hear me sometimes mention Mr. No Poop (Al has an anti-poop sign in his yard), the redneck (Steve looks the part), Toni, the honker (comes down from Canada in the winter and has a truck with an audible honk when locked), Sue, Little Miss Be Happy (it’s all fluff and sunshine or nothing at all for her), and Ray, which I sometimes refer to as the Pillsbury man because he kind of reminds me of the Pillsbury Doughboy.

States… I was born and raised in Massachusetts and have also lived in Connecticut, Arizona, Oregon, California, and now Florida.

Religion/Spirituality/Politics… I consider myself liberal and when I say liberal that doesn’t mean opening our doors to thousands upon thousands of immigrants and letting them hog our resources. Nor does that mean giving billions of dollars to other countries. It basically means I’m pro-choice and support the GLBT+ community. Not sure that I believe in things like gods, devils, angels, the afterlife, reincarnation, or multi-universes. I don’t know what to believe. Seems like anything could be possible with some things being a little more or less likely. I don’t follow any organized religion because I believe religion is too structured and often narrow-minded. I do believe in psychics because I am one. No, it’s not a “gift.”

Hobbies… I have many! Languages, cooking, audiobooks, writing, watching shows and movies, diamond painting, acrylic painting, and VR. My top favorite thing to do in VR is use an exercise app that lets me ride through any street that Google Maps has street views of, and my husband and I also love to play miniature golf. I have a meditation app I like, too. I love the beauty of nature and often collect digital photos of nature and some animals as well.

Pets… We currently have a pet rat named Tinkerbella.

Health… Definitely not as good as I’d like it to be. My husband’s health is much better and for that, I am very grateful. He has high blood pressure, though, and I do too but I’m not treating it. I’m very sensitive to medication and prone to side effects. I’ve gone through hell with the thyroid medication I take due to Hashimoto’s as it is and still need to be careful. I have high cholesterol but of course, I’m unable to tolerate statins. I was born with atresia in my left ear which means it’s deformed and I’m deaf on that side too. That’s okay, though. My good ear more than makes up for it. Other things I have include ADHD, TMJ, mostly controlled asthma and allergies, non-24-hour sleep cycle syndrome, and possible sleep apnea. I have horrible vision and soft tooth enamel which means I’ve had my share of dental issues. I recently had my gallbladder removed as well.

Appearance… I’m a green-eyed brunette going gray, but keep my hair dyed either dark brown or dark red. I’m short and fat but not OMG kind of fat.

Likes… Shiny/colorful things (especially pink, purple, and mint green), feminine things, dolls and figurines, palm trees, nail polish/stickers, non-salty/spicy foods, rodents, perfume/incense, peace and quiet, flying on planes, beaches, swimming, all kinds of music but mostly from the 70s & 80s, wine, rain, warm weather, good humor (sometimes dark), a clutter-free clean home, caramel, and coffee.

Pet peeves… Republicans, muscle cars/motorcycles, boom car stereos, barking dogs, screaming kids, listening to hammers and power tools.

TUESDAY, JUNE 6, 2023
He and I have been doing more research and what I have is smacking more and more of sleep apnea. Insomnia and nightmares can also be symptoms. Back in 2012 when I first saw a dentist in California, she asked if I had sleep apnea. I told her I didn’t think so and I now wonder what it was she saw in my throat that made her think that. So it probably isn’t connected to my weight, and again, I’m not that big.

The only thing that concerns me should they confirm it is sleep apnea is if whatever appears to be cursing my sleep all my life does something else to fuck with it. It seems to always find a way to get around whatever I attempt to do to better it. I’d hate to get a CPAP and find that it gives me more energy just to have them go ahead and build up behind us, or for there to be more low-flying helicopters.

One thing that could be worse than both sleep apnea and heart issues would be if I developed chronic fatigue because there’s nothing they can do for that. At least if it was sleep apnea, there are options, and there would be medication if I had heart issues. Just not necessarily medication I could tolerate, but at least I would have a shot at helping myself.

Been tired all day, even though I slept 7 hours and got a sleep score of 90. It also says I had two spikes in blood oxygen saturation levels, one of them being a pretty big swing.

The lack of alone time is getting to me again. Because there aren’t as many jobs at this time of year with the snowbirds being gone, and mostly retail in this area, it may not be until the end of the year before he’s working again. I want him to work so we have extra money and I have more alone time but I don’t want him to work because I know he wouldn’t like that and then I would worry about something going wrong while I was alone.
Turn off air cleaner
MONDAY, JUNE 5, 2023
Another exhausting day. Woke up 4 or 5 hours into my sleep and had a little trouble getting back to sleep. Then I got up after sleeping just 6 hours because I had to pee. When I couldn’t get back to sleep I got up for an hour but was still so tired that I went back to sleep for a couple of hours.

This is just ridiculous. I barely made it to the store. I had to lie down when we got back because it took the wind out of me so much. When I got enough energy, we went to the pool for a quick dip. It was fun even though I again had the wind knocked out of me.

Just did 8 miles on the road and my energy is depleted even more.

It’ll be 50 days before I see the pulmonologist. This seems so far away. It’s looking more and more like it could be sleep apnea. I not only have so many symptoms but it’s been worse the last 4-5 days, and according to Fitbit, I had more spikes in blood oxygen saturation.

The thought of having to sleep with a hose stuck to my face doesn’t sit well with me but I would be willing to do just about anything at this point if it’s going to help me and bring my energy back. I miss the days when my worst problems were toothaches and TMJ!

If this isn’t sleep apnea, it could be my heart but that one’s harder to believe. I just had an EKG and it’s hard to believe the doctors wouldn’t have picked up something from that or during surgery.

Not much in the way of lower stomach pain today so that’s good. Sure have been having issues with my left shoulder, though. I wish that was my only problem!

Maybe I really have beaten most of the anxiety because I always did say that as soon as I did there would just be something else. Just like if I ever find out what’s going on with me and hopefully get it resolved there will be something else. It’s one thing after another. I haven’t had a break in 9 years so I don’t expect to start anytime soon. I really fear and believe I’m going to struggle with ongoing health issues for the rest of my life.

Andy said he usually sleeps straight through and every once in a while, he’ll wake up to pee. He said that if I do, I may be tempted not to put the mask back on being sleepy and all that but that when I wake up I may regret that I didn’t. That makes sense but I can also see how it would be a pain in the ass to deal with when you’re half asleep and you just want to get back to sleep.

I wash my hair every other day and am going to try to make a point of hitting the pool before I plan to wash it even if it means swimming to a soundscape of one plane after another. Hell, there were just seconds between planes. Forget about minutes.

We exchanged helloes with a couple that was there that I’d seen in the park group. The lady later “liked” the rat pictures I decided to share after all, curious to see how many reactions/comments it would generate. Because my memory isn’t what it used to be and there are so many people I’ve talked to in the group, I couldn’t help but wonder if she was one of the ones that were rude to me at some point but I’m guessing we haven’t had any problems or else she wouldn’t have “liked” the rat.

Interestingly enough, he got a text message saying there was a water main leak and the water would be off but we never even noticed.

Anyway, other things that could cause fatigue according to my research are various cancers but I don’t have the weight loss and chronic cough that typically goes with that so that’s my last guess.

I’m down a few pounds since cutting portions and having less meat. Now that I know just how potent levothyroxine is, I suspect it isn’t that my thyroid died off more after we moved here but that my TSH probably rose because I gained weight. The TSH adjusts up and down when we lose or gain weight. I just didn’t realize it only took a few pounds to affect it. I thought it would take about 20 pounds.

Tinkerbella now takes food from us but continues to be on the shy side.

SUNDAY, JUNE 4, 2023
I wasn’t going to write today but I’m in the mood to. I would be more in the mood if I had more energy. Took me all day just to get the energy to do this entry. It seemed all I had the energy for was playing around with different pretty backgrounds.

Really worried about myself at times and wonder what the hell is going on. A 57-year-old shouldn’t get the wind knocked out of her just from cleaning her kitchen. But it’s like it sucked the energy right out of me, not that I had much to begin with. I feel like my body is struggling to keep up with life. It’s working really hard, just to function. Some things I feel make me think it’s sleep apnea and other things make me worry that it’s my heart. I don’t see myself dying anytime soon, but if I ever stop updating any of my accounts, something bad happened.

I hear thunder rumbling in the distance as a storm moves closer. So glad I’m awake! I usually have to sleep during prime storm time. The weather’s been humid but gorgeous. It’s a shame I have so little energy that I can’t be out there enjoying it. Tomorrow we’ll be out running to Publix to get some salad since Walmart had to give me a half-rotten salad. I should have known better than to trust them.

I worry I’m never again going to have the energy to go to the beach. Something’s gotta be causing this, and I really wish I knew what it was. It’s the worst it’s ever been. I think that’s part of why I’m not writing on PB as much, besides the security/doxing issues. I feel like I just don’t have enough positive stuff to say, but I’m not going to play things down in my own journal either. Also, there has been an increasing number of males there. Haven’t had a problem with any but still.

Still have that pain on and off in my lower left tummy but I don’t think it’s anything to worry about.

About 25% of my vibes or visions or whatever you want to call them – feelings - come when I’m awake, but most of what I see and learn comes in my sleep. I haven’t had any dreams of dying or anything bad happening to me. So hopefully that means I’ll figure it out in the end. Or better yet, the doctors will. Figuring it out is one thing, though, while treating it is another, whatever it may be.

The only dream I remember last night was moving to Washington State of all places. I wouldn’t mind the rain they get, but I wouldn’t like anything else.

Because I’m on days now, I haven’t caught my furry girl awake much since she’s nocturnal. But she’s been patted, chatted to, and picked up a few times. She likes to walk around my neck. Something that will be a bit hard for her to do once she’s full grown. Those nails are really going to be scratching me but this is Florida. I’m only in sleeves for 3 months of the year.

Even this entry is sucking energy out of me, so I guess that’s it for now.

SATURDAY, JUNE 3, 2023
We got our new rat, Tinkerbella, this morning! She’s a little cutie. I can already tell we’re not going to have a Tinkerbell, Blondie, Sugar, or Little Buddy but I think she’ll become a lot less timid in time. She’s 6-8 weeks and not much bigger than Fuzzy was when we got him. I just hope she isn’t going to miss having a roommate! She’s sleeping right now since rats typically sleep in the daytime anyway.

They had about 8 rats, half white, half hooded. The hooded part of the rats had Berkshire rat coloring, so dark brown. I chose a cute little hoodie. As the “hood” reaches their necks and then their backs, the color tends to get spotty rather than a solid line. Tinkerbella has more of a wide solid line which I like the looks of.

We were surprised they had so many females. They usually keep those for breeding.

Yesterday we went to Port Richey, but they didn’t have any rats. They sure had some cute ferrets, though. Just when I was starting to get used to and accept that this is our forever home, I go wishing we had a bigger place and more money. The ferrets were $350! I held one for a few seconds and it was so adorable.

Thought about sharing Tinkerbella’s picture in the park group, but nope, no desire to interact with anyone here, although we do say hello to Toni every now and then. She was out when we were pulling in and I told her we got a pet rat. She congratulated us, LOL. Otherwise, I have no desire to interact with people here or online other than those I’m already interacting with.

Been having pain in my very lower left stomach close to the pubic area for the last couple of days. Really hope it’s nothing serious with my ovary. It’s probably just a flare-up since not all cysts are critical. Ibuprofen seemed to do the trick as far as the pain goes. I just hope it doesn’t come back. So far, so good.

Had okay energy for half of my day yesterday. But today I woke up tired, not surprisingly. I woke up a few times a couple of nights ago, but don’t remember snoring. Last night, I awoke more than a few times and had trouble getting back to sleep one of the times when I got up to pee.

Finally got a pulmonologist appointment for the end of next month.

Met with Helen a couple of days ago. When I was telling her that I suspected I had sleep apnea and she was discussing CPAP machines and testing with me and all that, it hit me that she was speaking from experience. I asked her if she had it, and she said she did. I said I was sorry if I put her on the spot since I’m usually pretty perceptive, but she didn’t mind.

Poor Jessie has gained 9 pounds in the 6 months she’s been on the lower thyroid dose.

Andy’s still asking me the same questions, and so is Kim, who I still keep in touch with via email. I try to wait a few days before I reply because I know that within two hours of sending that message, I’m going to get a reply. I swear that girl is home 90% of the time, and all she does at home is play with her phone! I’m waiting for the day when she says she couldn’t get back to me the same day because she was either tired or sick, or too busy. So I hold off a few days to space things out. She could go back and forth 10 times a day with the same old shit, and believe me, I have no desire to do that.

THURSDAY, JUNE 1, 2023
Nothing screams “crazy” louder than the site at the house on the corner next to the redneck. That’s where the bipolar lady lives. There’s shit everywhere, and I don’t mean trash strewn about but weird objects placed in weird places. There’s a crutch leaning against the tire of her car, and things like a fan on a stand in the middle of the yard and it’s just weird. There’s random shit all throughout her two lanais and driveway. I can just imagine what the inside of the place looks like. She even has a window AC, which isn’t allowed. It shouldn’t be necessary either, as long as your central AC works.

I guess she doesn’t take her meds regularly. It’s scary to think of a person like that driving. I mean what if she thinks she has to drive down the street in the wrong direction or else shall die in 5 minutes or some crazy shit like that? I still think those with significant mental illness, even though most people wouldn’t agree with me, should be kept away from others simply because of the dangers they pose. How do I know that the voices in her head aren’t going to convince her that Tom and I are the devil and she’s not gonna go out and get a gun and try to kill us? Any idiot with half a brain can look at her place and see that whoever lives there isn’t right in the head. This isn’t someone with a mental illness that makes her a little moody at times, but that makes her downright delusional. There’s a difference.

I know she’s been banned from the clubhouse. I just thank God, even if I’m not sure I believe in one, that she’s not next to us.

No duck statue with its beak in the crotch of a mermaid statue these days, though. LOL.

Anyway, nutjobs aside, the day started off shitty but it’s getting a little better. Lots and lots of fatigue. I even had a little lightheadedness and a touch of chest pain, not that there’s anything wrong with my heart. The bulk of what I’ve been feeling is fatigue and brain fog. I slept super shitty last night. I still swear something’s cursing my sleep and when there’s no traffic to use as a weapon against it, it’s using my own body. My own snoring woke me up a few times. I don’t understand why I’m snoring like this all of a sudden. It’s not like I recently got fat.

I also woke up to pee, or just because, and from weird dreams. In one dream, someone I couldn’t see was telling me they read every single one of my journal entries and that they “own” it. I took this to mean they downloaded a copy of the journal and would have been flattered if it wasn’t for the hint of malice in their voice. The person appeared as a shadowy figure, so I couldn’t see who they were. The voice might have been female. I heard a second voice that was muffled, and then the shadow figure said, “No, thanks. I don’t smoke.”

Then there was a dream that I was imagining falling 40 feet. Hopefully, I was imagining it anyway, and not planning it.

I had tons of other dreams, but can’t remember them.

Tom has been cutting his portions for the last month and is down 2 lbs. Unfortunately, cutting back doesn’t cut it for me, but I’m going to try. I still fear losing significant weight because of my med but I know how to cut back if the side effects get to me. I could be wrong, but I have a feeling losing some weight would help with the snoring and other things like high blood pressure and even cholesterol. I’m going to cut out all meat except for fish. I still say my body won’t give it up, especially with an elevated TSH but we’ll see. It definitely can’t hurt.

I was so out of it and groggy when I got up that I had to go back to sleep for a few more hours. It took me forever to clear the cobwebs from my head.

I’m meeting with Helen in about an hour.

They mowed the field in the back, and I hope to hell it isn’t in preparation to build anything back there. Tom said they would have cut trees if that was the case. Yeah, why didn’t they cut the trees? Particularly the ones hanging over the fence.

I like the creamy eyeshadow stick crayons that I got, only they’re so light you can barely see them. I’m gonna get others in a variety of colors sometime. It’s a lot easier to apply than powder eyeshadow.

The watermelon cube slicer isn’t as easy to use as they make it look. Might be better to make cubes and layers next time, instead of cutting all the way through.

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Last updated June 01, 2024