April 2021 in 2020s

FRIDAY, APRIL 30, 2021
Finishing up watching Season 22 of Law & Order SVU. I can barely stand to get through it since it’s all political shit I’ve had enough of along with constantly blaming whites for the world’s problems and portraying everyone else as if they’re perfect little angels.

Andy received his diamond desert painting and said it was beautiful and thoughtful of me to send. Good to know it held up in transit! I figured it would, though.

Tom saw something parked next door that had to do with painting. We’re guessing they’re going to paint the interior and not the exterior since the exterior doesn’t look bad. It may be a while before it’s on the market but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if we were still here when the newcomers arrive, and of course, if there’s a cock in the picture, I can just imagine all the sawing and other projects coming from the garage that I’ll have to listen to.

But then again, I’m seriously beginning to wonder if we’re ever going to get out of here in the first place and if we aren’t already in our forever home. We’ve been ignored by everyone so far. If that’s not something that wants us trapped here then I don’t know what is. I just know I don’t want to work for something that isn’t meant to be. If we’re meant to live our lives here, then I think we should do what we can to make it our own and exactly what we want it to be, including soundproofing. He would probably have to work until he was 70 and refinance the house at some point because it’s expensive here but California gives breaks to seniors and would foot most of the bill when it came to replacing windows and things like that. He’s already talking about signing up with DoorDash or something like that if we’re still here in mid-June.

He still thinks we’re going to get out of here and that if worse comes to worst, he gets a job and we take out a loan to flip the place ourselves. But being ignored is very discouraging. I don’t doubt that if I suddenly loved it here, then I’m sure we would get a call today and a decent offer tomorrow. But for reasons I’ll never understand, I’m just not meant to be where I wanna be. I’ve been getting stuck in places almost all my life so I might as well stop trying to escape what I’m not meant to escape and make the best of it. Maybe it really is time to appreciate what we do have rather than fight for what we don’t. It may get a little too cold in the winter for me but at least it’s a dry climate and the state has Death with Dignity if we ever needed it.

I’m just tired of looking for this dream house that doesn’t exist. The pattern of being stuck in places I don’t want to be in goes too far back to think it could be a coincidence or random chance, but whatever is meant to be will be and there isn’t much we can do about it as much as we might like to tell ourselves otherwise. This is a reminder that quite often, we can’t just up and do whatever the hell we want in life.

If there is something up there that’s determined to keep me from having a great place in a great climate, I don’t know why. I assume it has its reasons even though those reasons may be scarily twisted. I don’t know what to think anymore. I just see a very obvious pattern and trend I’ve been on for decades and I think it’s time to quit trying to swim against the current and settling in to make do with what I’ve got. There are millions of people that would kill to live here and they wouldn’t give a shit about traffic or planes either. They would absolutely love it here. All those people starving in third world countries…so yeah, this is my home and I’m gonna make the best of it! Instead of being spoiled and complaining so much, every time I hear one plane after another, I’ll remind myself of how much worse it could be.

I was running Grammarly through some stories and was shocked and disappointed by the typos and grammatical errors I found in The Wrong Sister, which I had previously published. Even more so by the fact that I had a few people read it yet not one of them ever thought to point them out to me.

THURSDAY, APRIL 29, 2021
I’m glad Aly is doing better but still angry that people like Kim never seem to have a problem. Or very rarely, anyway. I don’t have to ask anyone to know she’s still healthy as ever and her worst problem is having to get off her ass and move around a bit, do some chores, and struggle to control her obsessive urges to send whoever she’s currently obsessed with a million letters, emails, whatever.

Not looking forward to the day she’s back online in full swing and back to her blocking game as well, which I’ll never understand. I guess some people flatter themselves by thinking people are interested in everything they do. I’m probably going to ignore her when she finally reaches out to me because I’ve simply had it with the mentally ill. They’re just too much of a headache for me to deal with. No “friendship” should be that much work with me constantly trying to sort facts from fiction, defend or explain myself, or put up with moods and paranoia. I used to feel guilty about my wanting to avoid them but then I realized I have just as much right as anyone else to pick and choose who I associate with. Just like some people don’t like people who aren’t religious or who are into drugs, I’m not into the mentally ill.

Speaking of mental-related things, I had mild anxiety yesterday and the day before and I’m sure I’ll have it again today. The question is how long will this spell last? Days? Weeks? Months?

We’ve been completely blown off so far by the home buyers which is so frustrating and disappointing but not at all surprising. I always did say nothing’s going to let us out of here easily. So much for my April offer vibe.

I noticed a long time ago that whenever I bring up something Aly doesn’t want to discuss, she simply ignores it unless I push for an answer of some kind. When I made the comment about looking forward to seeing pictures and checking out her new house on Google Maps and she never responded in any way, I knew she was going to hold out on me. That’s just how she deals with unwanted topics of discussion. She simply remains quiet.

I pointed out that she’s the only one I’ve never seen a picture of with her other half as I have with most of my other friends and acquaintances.

She said nothing.

Then when she talked about doing what she can to get herself home to Cam, I said if she really goes with him and not her parents, I’m going to wish I sent her gift there. Then I said that maybe for her 41st birthday, she’ll feel confident enough that she’ll be sticking around to share the address if that’s what it’s really about.

Again, she said nothing.

I’m not stupid. I know she’s never going to disclose her address or Cam’s last name so I can never look anything up. Again, I wonder what the hell she’s hiding. He either doesn’t exist or there’s something about him that she or they don’t want me to find out. Cam once said “yes” to being asked if he’d ever been arrested on Ask. I wonder if it’s got anything to do with that.

What is she going to do when her parents move to Florida, though? Get a PO box?

I miss living in a quieter world. I really do. I miss the pre-boom car stereo days but I would hate to go back to when we didn’t have all the fun and wonderful technology we have today that makes life so much easier even if some of it can be complicated to figure out.

I miss the days when you could walk into a store or a restaurant and not have to listen to music playing too loud.

I miss the days when you didn’t notice traffic much or anything going on in the sky.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 28, 2021
Yesterday was a disappointing day. Not a single call or email from any of the buyers and I even had a little anxiety on top of it as well. The start of another long spell or an isolated incident perhaps due to the stress of waiting for someone to contact us? Guess I’ll find that out as the day progresses.

At least there is some good news and that’s that Aly’s being transferred to a rehab center and Blitz was adopted. Yay!

We didn’t go to Goodwill yesterday but we switched the bedroom curtains to the curved rods so light can’t seep out the sides. I just see a little spray of light on top and that’s it. Makes the bedroom nice and relaxingly dark for daytime sleeping. I just wish there had been something to make it a hell of a lot more peaceful but I can assure you that the skies have long since surpassed any annoyances on the ground. It was just horrible yesterday. It was a windy day and I guess the combination of the direction of the wind and the thickness of the air amplified the sounds but forget about every few minutes. It was more like every few seconds! There were times I would hear a commercial plane and a helicopter at the same time. It’s just fucking ridiculous between all the commercial planes, helicopters, and small planes. Even if we narrowed it down to just one type of aircraft, it would still be excessive. Not one of them is just once in a while. They’re all unbelievably frequent and unlike any other place I’ve ever lived.

Managed to do some more sorting and packing yesterday but for the most part, we can’t pack up much more until the last minute. The question is when that will be. We agreed we would be worried if we don’t hear from anyone by Friday at which time we’ll seek out a realtor next Monday. I looked back in my 2004 journal, and when we contacted a realtor to sell our Maricopa house, we also thought we’d been blown off when we didn’t hear from anyone the following day. But the day after that, we did. So hopefully we’ll hear from someone today!

There is definitely a lock on the doorknob next door. But is it for a realtor or someone the family is going to have work on the place?

Today we went to Goodwill and I’m guessing we’ll have one or two more trips at the very end.

I wasn’t kidding when I told Andy not to tell anyone where we were going because someone is always connected to someone who is connected to someone we’re in touch with and my business always ends up being some people’s business that I would rather not know what’s going on with me. Believe me, I was thrilled when he said he wasn’t mentioning me to his family because there’s no doubt word would have gotten back to Norma and or her daughters which would have in turn found its way to the termites, of course.

Well, by accident I saw that Wendy K is a friend of Norma’s. I went to school with her! I wonder how in the world they ended up friends.

I was also surprised to find a friend request from Michelle, Norma’s daughter. She’s always been the friendliest of the 3 daughters. I’m surprised she wants to add me, though, because I deleted her a long time ago when she first requested to add me because I rarely heard from her. These days I’m finding that deadbeat Facebook friends no longer bother me and I realize it’s not hurting anything for them to just sit quietly on my friend list. I’m antisocial for the most part and only care to spend so much time socializing anyway. I prefer to have one or two close friends I’m in touch with regularly and that’s it. I’m glad Andy is busy with his groups which he says requires about 3 hours of editing and babysitting a day but that he built up and is proud of. I think we get along better if we don’t have too much interaction anyway. It’s funny because Aly and I actually get along better even though we’re more different than Andy and I are. But then again, are we? Sure, Andy and I still have things in common but it does seem like we grew to be different from each other over time.

Anyway, it’s kinda funny that Norma messages me with cute rat pictures at the same time Michelle wants to add me again. Naturally, that paranoid side of me kicked in and I wondered if they were real accounts or clones and if the Termite Tammy may be behind them. I’m sure the accounts are legit, though, and the termite has nothing to do with it. What would the termite do anyway, tell them to send a friend request and rat pics because she hasn’t heard from me?

She and her shitty daughters will hear from me as soon as we get out of here. It’s very important that I’m out of this house first in case she figures out the address because she is definitely the type to send the pigs. If she was insistent enough and threw in some lies about bogus threats, they would definitely come out even without proof because that’s just what pigs do. Plus, I have had issues with the law before, vindicated or not, and I know how warped their priorities are. So family or not, all-white or not, they would come out over a lousy message long before they would for something like accusations of violence, so I have to be extra careful. I’m more concerned about Tom finding out about it than I am about getting in any kind of trouble because I know how paranoid he can be. But this way the worst she could do is send shit here that will eventually get forwarded to wherever we end up if I wait till we’re gone.

This country may not believe in freedom of speech any more than universal healthcare but speaking out to my Arizona tormentors and writing the revenge story really helped purge a lot of the anger I toted around for years, not that I wouldn’t still kick the shit out of them if they magically appeared before me. So I need to get things off my chest one final time where the termites are concerned and then I’ll move on. That was the plan with the others until they wouldn’t let me move on. But I’ve learned a lot since then and there’s no way in hell the termites aren’t going to let me move on. I’m not going to let them not let me!

I won’t be saying anything remotely illegal, so if the cops ever showed up at wherever my door was at the time, I’ll be happy to make an example of them. Freedom of speech will never exist in this country because we’ll never be allowed to threaten whoever with whatever or anything like that but we’re still supposed to have the right to express our opinions. So if that’s violated in any way, I don’t mind suing the shit out of them so we can get a nicer house.

I was going to deactivate my Facebook account for a few days after sending my final message figuring no one would miss me anyway since I’m not very active there but then Andy and I do keep in touch on Messenger. So fuck it. Let them send all the threats and rants they want from bogus accounts. I don’t have to read them. I just hope they don’t ever become real stalkers and realize that a paid search will tell them things that are definitely none of their business.

Doubt I’ll message Gerry about the dog, though. I really don’t hear it that often, it’s not left outside, and if it has anything to do with her having health issues lately, then that would be mean.

Since it had been a while, I looked at Doc O’s two profiles. One of them had about 6 friends and the other had about 13 last time I checked. This time they both have 5. Her daughter Beth isn’t on any of her friend lists. So where did she and the half a dozen or so others go and why? Doc O never struck me as the type to be easy to get along with so it doesn’t surprise me all that much.

TUESDAY, APRIL 27, 2021
Went to Goodwill yesterday. They had a few big blue bins set up for people to sort their donations. I was a little surprised that they make people do it themselves. After all, they’re getting free stuff to make money off of so you would think they would at least sort their own donations. I didn’t mind, though. If anything, I got good exercise zipping back and forth across the parking lot to bring stuff from the car. Their bins are marked glass, hard, soft and things like that. Plus, there was a bin for shoes.

A lady was hanging around there that took some of the stuff off our hands. We had these folding canvas totes we used back in the day before we ever thought we would have groceries delivered to our house regularly and she was delighted to receive those. We’ve kept a few grocery bags for when we run out to stores that don’t deliver but that’s about it.

We’ll be making another run today unless we get an offer from one of the three companies he filled out and submitted forms to. There’s one more company but he’s going to save them for if we have no luck with these three and he wants to change tactics. A couple of them asked detailed questions like what we wanted for the house and he said 70K. Some even have a dropdown list of various parks in the area and Lakeview Village was one of them so they’re going to know that this is a high-end park and the place isn’t falling down or anything like that. One even asked why we were moving. They promised to get back to us within 24 hours, so I don’t know if they’re going to request pictures next or if someone’s going to come to the house.

I just really hope one of them will find our offer reasonable and not insist on some ridiculous amount like 40K. It would just be so much easier on both of us if we could go through them and not a traditional realtor where we would have multiple showings of the house to deal with and it could take God only knows how many months. With these people, we could leave what we didn’t want behind and would know exactly when we were leaving which would make it less likely that we would have to go to a hotel first.

The tentative plan is to make a second Goodwill run today since we couldn’t fit everything in the car yesterday.

I looked to see if next door was up for sale because I could have sworn I saw one of those lock boxes on the door handle that realtors use but couldn’t find it listed anywhere. I did find that the place is said to be 1400 square feet and ours 1550 but that’s incorrect. Our place is actually about 1345. It’s still plenty of room for us although I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if we ended up in a place under 1000 square feet since Florida seems to have a lot of tiny manufactured homes.

My feet actually started to get a bit sore due to all the running around so I placed them on the back massager which was sitting on the floor and wow! I would have loved this thing when I was dancing.

MONDAY, APRIL 26, 2021
Facebook temporarily locked my account a couple of days ago, and yesterday they complained that two of my journal posts in my newest group which was private and initially for my eyes only went against their community “guidelines.” So I killed that group and managed to kill the first one that Tammy the termite was a member of as well. I’m not going to play their fucking games. They make groups, pages, and creating photo albums a real bitch that’s just not worth dealing with.

I’ve got a sad update regarding Steve. Around the time I tried to contact him but couldn’t get through the rude bitch that answered, I sent a message to another guy with the same last name. This morning I awoke to find a message from a Mark H saying that Steve was his brother and he passed away on March 12th, 2020.

Ugh, that is so sad! :( He didn’t say why but I wonder if it was covid. He was 64 at the time. I told Mark I was so sorry to hear about Steve’s passing and asked how he died. The message was read but not responded to.

I let Jessie know.

There was a time I wished I could have a looks-don’t-matter attitude and only focus on personality when seeking sex or relationships but now I’m glad that I could never do that! Steve certainly wasn’t ugly but I had not an ounce of attraction for him physically as much as I adored the person he was. I’m glad because if I didn’t care about looks, I probably would have married him, maybe had a child I might have regretted (assuming the sex was normal and the DES fucked me up as much as I think it has), and then become a widow in my 50s.

Yesterday we finished up with the windows and cleaned the oven which stunk like hell even with the doors open.

As Aly learns more about what’s really going on with her, I can totally see why she’s suing the doctor who misdiagnosed her. There’s no excuse for such a huge misdiagnosis! It may take years but I really hope she sues the shit out of the bitch and gets rich! It can’t undo the damage that’s already been done but why not help herself to a more secure future and protect others from a similar situation?

The breathing issues and water retention are caused by the tumor but she told me she doesn’t really have Crohn’s after all, and that’s just something the doctor lied about. I wonder what caused the bowel perforation and the need for a stoma then.

A tumor would cause the weight loss and water retention she’s had. That’s why we could rule out tumors on my adrenals from causing the stabbers because I wasn’t losing weight. My weight is as faithful and loyal as Tom is, and I can gain weight as easily as I can make Andy laugh.

SUNDAY, APRIL 25, 2021
The turkeys just started gobbling so I guess that means it’s now the crack of dawn. Did a 15-minute walk on the treadmill while I watched part of an episode of the 22nd season of Law & Order SVU on the laptop.

Yesterday we made serious progress with finishing up the last of the major preparation work. Most of what’s left is just cleaning the place. As he said, we only get one shot when this particular company comes out so we really want to make sure we get the place as presentable as possible.

He touched up the painting in the laundry room and replaced the dryer hose, as I mentioned before, and then yesterday we pulled the inner windows out of the master bedroom. Now there are just the old windows we started with. Adding the new windows did little to nothing to prevent loud vehicles from waking me up anyway so I can live with it for the rest of the time we’re here. On the bright side, it makes it easier to get fresh air in here when I want and it’s easier to block light because now the window doesn’t extend into the room beyond the sill. We ordered rounded rods for the blackout drapes which will do an even better job of blocking light, plus there are still blackout shades underneath.

Anyway, it was a really big job. First he had to take out all the screws and nails and then take a razor to gouge out the silicone seal. Then he had to sand around the edges and touch up the paint as well. Today we’re going to add the trim that goes around it. Tomorrow is when we’ll probably bring in some Goodwill stuff.

We’re having a cold spell right now. It’s only going to be in the 50s today and I guess it’s going to rain. I thought I would wake up to the sound of wind and rain but I can’t hear anything out there other than one plane a few hours ago and now the turkeys.

SATURDAY, APRIL 24, 2021
Narrowly escaped a need for eye drops! My OH is still just under the mid-20s (it shouldn’t be over 21). If it climbs just a little more, they’ll have to start me on drops to relieve the pressure to prevent glaucoma and do who knows what else to me? She said there’s no way to know for sure if they’re going to get worse or not. I still have good peripheral vision and my optic nerve is healthy. That’s what’s most important.

So after grabbing a few things before leaving Sam’s Club, we dropped Andy’s envelope in a mailbox and headed home. Then we order three pairs of glasses for me from Zenni. Purple glasses for reading/drilling, floral glasses for working, and pink progressive glasses for going out in public. They came to $158. I’m also getting a free blue light because I got a blue light blocker for the pair I’ll use for the computer. I guess it’s so that you can see how well it works.

The progressives will be tinted.

Tom found that the dryer’s hose was never properly clamped to the hose leading underneath the house. I’m surprised we didn’t have a million bugs of all kinds constantly in that room. Anyway, he got a new hose for it that is secure.

Could have sworn I heard someone sawing yesterday but it didn’t seem loud enough to be coming from Dahl’s place. That shit’s so common around here, though, that it could have come from anywhere.

I feel so bad for Aly because not only has she had cancer yet again and has to go through chemo again even if it’s a slightly different kind, but now she also has a stomach stoma for the rest of her life to have to live with. From what I read, it’s common with Crohn’s. Crohn’s is what damaged her colon and why she’ll always have the stoma. She needs colostomy bags that will have to be changed several times a day. I can’t swear to this and I’m certainly not going to come out and ask her but I guess she’ll never poop again from her butt but out through this bag instead, and I guess it’s not as firm as what comes out of our asses. I guess it’s more like a liquid. I’ve seen pictures of people with stomach stomas and it’s kind of gross. Looks like someone cut the end of an uncooked sausage off and stuck it to their stomachs. It’s toward the side of the stomach below the belly button. I guess that’s where the colon ends and they lift it toward the surface of the skin. Or just above it. What a shitty thing to have to live with for the rest of your life, especially when you’ve got another 45 years or so left to live.

I also worry and wonder about what she’s going to do for work since she’s a little too old for any kind of a real career in teaching. I guess she’ll just have to take whatever she can get for the most part.

Getting a bidet has spoiled me and I hate the thought of having to do without one for a while, especially for shitting. The portable one is good for peeing but not much good for shitting. That’s when it hit me that I oughta lose a couple of pounds and then let myself be stuck a lot. I still say it’s my body rebelling against weight loss and not that I’m low on fiber. My diet always includes fiber. Besides, it can’t be a coincidence that it always does it as soon as 2 pounds come off. But this would be a good thing to take advantage of until we get the bidet hooked up. The weight will eventually reset itself and I’ll start going again but then I’ll just keep going with the 1100-1300 calories and keep getting stuck every time I lose those two pounds.

FRIDAY, APRIL 23, 2021
Beginning this entry while I’m on the treadmill. That means I’m using my old MacBook Air. I forget just how old and slow this thing is getting until I actually use it. Going to have to use it when we move until we get our stuff shipped to us. I suppose that could be anywhere from two weeks to two months.

The shitty news is that he did some research on donations and stuff like that, and places like Goodwill aren’t picking up furniture these days. So we may have to leave it here and hope it doesn’t cause any problems with us getting our money for the house. I guess maybe we’ll see if we can sell it partially furnished.

Going for my eye exam later at Sam’s Club. We haven’t been there in ages so we’re looking forward to picking up some things that we haven’t gotten from there in quite some time that are exclusive to Sam’s Club. Love their fried rice with chicken and edamame. I look forward to getting out since it’s been a few days and I’m definitely due for it. It’s been more than a few days that I was out for more than just a quick run to Rite Aid.

The fucking water was off yesterday and now the bathroom sink and tub are so clogged with dirt that I can barely get water out of the sink and the tub sprays in a wide circle. So he’ll have to take care of that later. When I got up I saw he was soaking the shower massage head in vinegar. I can’t wait to get away from this fucking bullshit! Also, traffic was louder and more frequent yesterday and that was annoying as fuck as well. Today will be loud cuz it’s trash day.

When we get to wherever we end up, there’s going to be those two voices in my head arguing with each other. There’s going to be the smart voice that will say, “Just stay put. Your perfect little dream home doesn’t exist anyway.”

Then the adventurous, rebellious voice is going to tell me, “Go ahead and set a goal to aim for. Reach for that bigger, better place that you can hope is quieter but that won’t be but will at least be a little newer, nicer, and bigger.”

Can’t stop the Internet from eventually broadcasting our new address to the world but I’m definitely not going to give it to Aly unless she ever gives me hers and at this point, I’m starting to doubt she ever will. No pictures of Cam, the doctor that I can’t find, the address I never get - I don’t know, something’s going on but it still seems hard to believe that she’s making him up because guys are so easy. Even the fattest ugliest woman could get one. Convicted murderers can get guys!

I’m sure she’ll find out our address through her paid search subscription. Can’t stop her from doing that but I’m not going to voluntarily give it to her unless she either gives me hers or is planning a trip through Florida because it just doesn’t feel right. I mean how fair is that? She insists it’s not due to lack of trust but that she worries she’s going to “fuck things up again” but I’m not buying it after all this time. If she’s not sure of her relationship with Cam by now, when will she ever be? She’s told me of things they’ve discussed or that she’s felt that tell her he’s the one yet I never get her address. I don’t know, maybe it’s him that’s hiding something and has made her swear not to share it or his pic. He wouldn’t share one on Ask, assuming that was really him and not a fake account she created. And you never know. If Kim liked role-playing, why not her too? A lot of people are into that kind of thing. Only difference is that she would be a lot smarter about it and more convincing. Personally, I do think Cam is real but I don’t think the address is a simple lack of confidence in the relationship lasting. There’s something more to it I don’t know about.

So Aly has stage 2 cancer and if I read things correctly, she has a 70% chance of being alive 5 years from now on. It would be only 17% if she had stage 4. She began chemo and will have that once a week.

The only dream I had that I remember clearly enough to write about was that I was about to have what was left of my ear removed only I wasn’t in the hospital. I was at some office and from where I sat in the supposed exam room, I could see a list of the day’s patients. Mine was towards the end of the list and didn’t include my last name.

THURSDAY, APRIL 22, 2021
Finished Andy’s desert painting! I absolutely love my new light pad which really helps a lot but the waxless drills kind of suck. The point broke off one of them and it’s hard to wiggle the diamonds into place with them. On the other end is a regular drill only it’s skinnier than normal so there isn’t much I can do with that either.

Hopefully, we can mail Andy’s off on our way to drop things off at Goodwill. One of Wal-Mart’s free samples was a greeting card, and I used that to write him a note about it and what size frame to get and all that.

I will eventually do the “mystery” wolf for Eileen and mail it in the box it came in since it can be folded as long as it’s not tightly, and I’ll eventually do a small one for Kim (probably a cat) that I’ll mail in a large bubble envelope like the one I’m mailing Andy’s in.

In reading the entry of a woman, she was talking about how a former coworker had to kick out his mentally ill son that was threatening to kill him in his sleep (didn’t Molly once do that shit?) and that he refused to get help. Then he went to jail for trying to break back into the apartment and trying to hit a police officer. She said that when he gets out of jail he’ll be homeless and wonders how many homeless people are mentally ill that refuse treatment. And also, how can you help someone that won’t take their medication?

It’s very sad and disturbing as she said and I’m also wondering when the hell people are going to do something about the mentally ill. I think way too many of them pose a threat to us and it isn’t just about their constant and intense mood swings, constant lies, paranoia, and false accusations but the fact that many are dangerous, especially the ones that hear voices. Take that crazy bitch from Carl’s Jr. we encountered one time. She could have easily snuck up behind Tom and clubbed him over the head before I could warn him or jump up and tackle her myself.

Then one time there was this huge guy screaming at absolutely no one and nothing in the middle of a parking lot somewhere. He was angry as fuck and spewing a bunch of threats and swears. Had the wrong person walked by at the time, he could have easily turned on them and hurt them.

So again, when is anyone gonna do something about them and get them away from the rest of us? Many of them shouldn’t be living amongst us any more than dangerous criminals should be. I don’t think it makes it OK to force others to have to deal with them just because they can’t help being the way they are. That’s no excuse to put society at risk! Let them hear their voices and refuse treatment somewhere with those who are like them but away from the rest of us. I realize that not all of them are dangerous and are little more than just a pain in the ass to deal with but there are way too many that shouldn’t be allowed in the general population any more than rapists should be.

I think that more than wanting to know when and how I’m going to die, I would like to know if there’s an afterlife of any kind even though no one can ever really know this. But if I had a choice, that would be what I would want to know. Why? Well, because it’s not going to take me forever to die but if there is an afterlife then that’s forever, right? I would love to know if I’m going to float around in some magical, beautiful kingdom. Or would I burn in hell for some sin I supposedly committed on earth? Would I be reincarnated as another human or animal even if this makes no sense since it wouldn’t literally be me as so much of who we are is based on our memories and experiences? Or is it possible that there would be absolutely nothing which is what I prefer most?

I would definitely like to know what I may or may not be in for for an eternity because if it was nothing at all or something good, and maybe I wouldn’t fear death as much. But if I knew I was going to rot in hell or be reincarnated as a sex slave or something like that, then I guess that’s all the more I would enjoy every minute of this life I could and do more to live longer and delay the inevitable. I know it sounds funny but for some reason, I’m more curious about what may happen after I die than when and how I’m going to go belly up.

I’m still keeping calm but I just can’t see myself making it to May before the anxiety returns. The longest I’ve ever gone was something like 11 weeks but that’s very rare. If I get any more than a week or two off, it usually isn’t much more than 4-6 weeks, and I’m coming up on 3 weeks.

If the anxiety continues to come and go once I’m a couple of years into menopause, then what? That will be the big question of the century. Really, what then? Well, I suppose that if I was continuing to have these intermittent spells I could then safely say that it was either the medication or being low on thyroid, neither of which makes sense anymore. If it’s the medication or my being low on thyroid, then shouldn’t I be anxious every single day? I was low on thyroid for years before I was diagnosed and I never had anxiety then, but fortunately, the hormone fluctuations that come with entering menopause do make the most sense at the moment.

Just junk dreams this time around. Trying to avoid getting sprayed by a skunk, getting it on with a female detective in which neither of us got off, and then having to see Scott again even though I wasn’t in jail or in any trouble. At least I didn’t seem to be.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21, 2021
I’m glad Derek Chauvin was found guilty. I never believed the pig intentionally tried to kill the thug, but it was still murder. I think the jury knew they had to convict either way if they didn’t want the riot from hell on their hands which is exactly what would have occurred.

No one wants to believe this, of course, but had both parties been white, it never would have made the news and the pig never would have stepped foot in a courtroom either. If you’re white, Jewish, or gay, no one gives a shit about you.

Meanwhile, the pigs will never change. They’ll keep killing whites, blacks, and everything in between, but we’ll only hear about the blacks because that’s what the media chooses to focus on and all the general population cares about and is willing to show support for.

Anyway, I’m more grateful that my face is still intact than anything else at the moment! We went to Rite Aid yesterday where I decided to try a bottle of Barefoot’s bubbly Pink Moscato champagne. I set it down on the kitchen counter when we got back and untwisted this metal enforcer that was securing the cork. I dropped the thing on the floor and as I went to pick it up, I heard what sounded like a gunshot! I then stood straight up and found that the cork had been blown right out of the bottle and straight up into the ceiling, smashing one of the plastic panels in the drop-down ceiling. I could see the shadow of the cork rocking back and forth in the center of what was left of the panel.

As much as I’ve always hated the drop-down ceiling, I was kind of grateful for it since it may have damaged the ceiling had it not been there to strike first. The panels are easier to replace than fixing the ceiling would be.

But what I’m definitely most grateful for is the fact that the damn thing didn’t hit me had I been standing over it at the time! It could have easily taken out an eye, broken my nose, or shattered my teeth. Maybe even killed me if it hit just the right spot. So I am grateful as hell right now! I don’t know if anything was looking out for me or if I just got plain lucky but damn am I grateful.

I’m already not doing a great job with getting stricter when it comes to eating less and moving more. I’m doing better but not perfect because hey, I like to live! I need my treats every few days or so and I do have a slow metabolism and am older so I’m likely to keep gaining for the rest of my life anyway, so I’ll just live with it since I’m gonna die someday just the same and don’t want to deal with hunger or deprivation of variety forever. I want to live and enjoy things and if turning into a giant means that’s the price I eventually have to pay for it, so be it. Hell, even skinny people who are more active than me sometimes become diabetic, and just because I’m fat doesn’t mean I will. But since I can only lose a few pounds anyway and I don’t mind myself as I am, why try to change anything? Why not just keep being active most days, eating healthy most days, and leaving the rest to fate?

So yesterday we shared a bag of Cheetos and with Walmart’s delivery this morning I’ll be getting a candy bar. 80% of what I eat is still good stuff so I’m entitled to live a little.

I’m also getting my light pad and waxless drills today so I’m looking forward to that as well!

The moving dreams have begun! I’m hoping that’s a sign that it’s getting close because that’s how it usually works with those prone to dream premonitions is that the closer you get, the more likely you are to dream about an upcoming event, even if it doesn’t happen exactly as in the dreams. But I usually get some meaningful signs before moves.

In the dream, we just moved into our new house, although I don’t know where it was, how old, or how big. I fell asleep in a large room that looked similar in size to my bedroom but I don’t think that was the bedroom. I think it was the living room and that we just didn’t have my bedroom set up. At one point during my sleep, I opened my eyes and found Tom had set up a few shelves. Then when I got up for good, I found he decided to stagger them instead. I have no idea how the hell I slept through that, lol. There was also a white plastic hole in the top part of the wall that I knew was some kind of smoke detector.

I got up and he was up sitting at his computer in the adjacent room. I walked down the hall toward the living room and kitchen that was set up sort of similar to this place. We had one rat and I was asking where he was after pulling a chain to a light in the living room. Unable to find him even though Tom told me he was there, I went into the kitchen.

My brain was all fucked up because I couldn’t think of the proper commands for Alexa. So I simply told her, “Alexa, do my medication.”

Then I said something about how I couldn’t wait to get a mural even though it would probably take us forever to get it.

TUESDAY, APRIL 20, 2021
I hope the fact that I had two visits from a Connecticut business was just a coincidence and not connected to Lisa, who didn’t post any kind of response to my “comment.” It probably was, though, because one came from Comcast Business in New Haven and another came from some educational place in Granby and they’re not near each other. They both used Windows 10 but different versions of it. I would be really, really surprised if any of the termites had my PB profile link because they’re just not smart enough to remember or find it.

Anyway, I’m really worried about Aly even though my gut instinct says she’ll pull through. The latest is a perforated bowel that she had to have surgery on yesterday. I haven’t heard from her yet so I’m guessing she’s still pretty out of it. But damn! It’s just one thing after another with the poor girl.

The black cohosh tablets don’t seem to be helping with hot flashes but I’m not surprised. I’ve learned that with me, if I get something, I get it because something wants me to suffer from it. Not to be able to treat it or fix it. I just dread the inevitable return of that God-awful anxiety!

My ear or TMJ or whatever the fuck it is has been bothering me lately. I prefer pain over anxiety but it would be nice if I could get a break even if I don’t need it nearly as much as Aly does.

Blitz has now been at the SPCA for a month, and nothing’s happened next door. Makes me wonder if they’re duking it out in probate court or something even though the family doesn’t seem like the fighting kind.

Looking forward to the light pad I’m getting today. It should definitely help me be able to see the harder-to-read numbers, letters, and symbols when doing diamond paintings. The one I’m doing for Andy is especially hard to read because some of the symbols look similar and others are obscure.

I’m also going to try a set of clay-free drills. The tips are made of wax so you don’t need to add any of the waxy gel clay.

I had a dream that everyone was younger except for me. I don’t know if I knew Tom or just hadn’t seen him in a while but I was living with my parents of all people who were in their 60s. My father was still working but when he died of a sudden heart attack, my mother showed me a stack of overdue bills and I knew there was a serious risk of losing the house.

I also knew they had an unloaded gun that they kept in the house and I suggested that she loaded for protection even though the real reason I wanted her to put bullets in it was to kill myself so I wouldn’t have to be homeless.

I was sending an email to Aly while my mother slept in her room saying that it was too bad she couldn’t move in with us because then we could all pool our money.

I stepped out of my bedroom which was next to Mom’s and eyed her closed door sadly, wishing she was up so we could chat. When she did get up later, I asked her if we could afford an apartment and she said, “Easily.”

I said, “Well, I’m not noisy anymore because I don’t blast music anymore, and I’ll just deal with other people’s noise if you want to move to one.”

Without answering, she went back to her room and I began taking pictures of the place. It was modern, attractively decorated, and I thought it would be nice to have pictures to remember the place in case we did lose it. At the opposite end of the house from our bedrooms, was a room with a double bed and a small child’s bed beyond it. I knew that was where Tammy and Lisa stayed for a while when Lisa was still a toddler.

In real life, Daddy dearest’s urn is now buried between the bedroom and next door’s garage.

SUNDAY, APRIL 18, 2021
Looks like I might have found Lisa. I couldn’t find her on Pinterest, and Instagram allows for such limited words in messages for when I eventually share a piece of my mind with her and her sick mother and sisters. I didn’t want to message her on Skype and put the idea in her mind to look for Tom there to complain to.

Instead, I found an easier way to get in touch with her anonymously that she’s more likely to see, assuming it’s really her who’s working at this massage and beauty center in Groton, Connecticut. At first, I didn’t think it was her but then I studied the picture closer and I think it is. Besides, how many Lisa Gs could there possibly be in Groton, Connecticut? Anyway, it appears she’s now a licensed esthetician. She does beauty treatments and gives massages. Spa-type stuff.

The only thing I was a little skeptical about in her bio was the part where she mentioned her grandmother being a role model to her and telling her when she was young that she should get up and put on her makeup and do her hair no matter what because when you look good, you feel good.

But what grandmother would that be? As far as I knew, the girls didn’t get along with Bill’s mother any more than mine. My mother did favor her out of the three of them and she was appearance-obsessed but that doesn’t seem like any advice she would give her. So if it’s Lisa, she’s not talking about my mother. I just never would have thought Bill’s mother would be considered a role model to anyone due to the way I always heard that she was such a bitch. The termite said that in some ways she was worse than our mother. That’s pretty damn bad!

The only other thing I thought was weird was that she trained in Boston. Why would she go all the way to Boston for training?

As a test, in the comments section, I asked if she had sisters named Becky and Sarah because I went to school with them. Of course I provided a bogus email. It will be interesting to see if it gets a response in her comments section. It’s one of those things that doesn’t show up immediately but is awaiting moderation.

Her or not, and I’m thinking it is, I will share a piece of my mind with her as well when we leave. The thing is I can’t re-block her crazy sisters and mother for 72 hours after I unblock them so I just have to hope to hell that during those three days of all days, they don’t go looking for me. The plan is to unblock them three days before I contact them, make the contact, and then immediately re-block them. After I do that, I’ll probably deactivate for a few days.

Got up to 90 degrees here today.

What is it with this fucking 3:00 AM commercial plane lately? Every night at 3:00 AM like clockwork it’s been flying over. Very loudly too. It’s well over a minute before the sound fades out completely.

Anyway, no nighttime walking for me anymore! With the weather warming up, the skunks are more active than ever. Had quite a scare when we both went out earlier. It wasn’t even 9:00 yet when we were walking down Astro. As we were walking behind Bob and Virginia’s place, I looked at the wall of their place and thought I was seeing the shadow of my head following me. But then that shadow appeared to move in the opposite direction and I could see the white stripe. So I turned and ran the other way.

Fucking bastards are everywhere now! I can smell them in here at night at times. Again, never lived anyplace like this before. Never before were there so many skunks, planes, projects, loud traffic, excessive landscaping, etc.

Started the black cohosh tablets. I don’t know if it’s going to do anything to prevent hot flashes or anxiety but I’ll find out soon enough. I confirmed with Kim that she takes one tablet in the morning and one at night. Sometimes she may accidentally take three if she’s not sure if she remembered to take it earlier but doesn’t worry about it because it’s a low dose.

My weight is once again pushing upward as I’ve been eating horribly lately. Too much processed food and sugary treats. If I don’t put my foot down I’ll just keep steadily climbing all my life with my thyroid being the way it is, and I’m not ready to gain indefinitely until he’s around 80. Then I’ll know I won’t have much time to have to deal with it. I still don’t give a shit about my appearance but I don’t see the “beauty” in obesity and why it’s more celebrated and praised these days when it poses such health risks. While I don’t agree with fat-shaming, there’s nothing healthy about being fat and it certainly doesn’t help one’s range of mobility either. I hate to say this and it may sound gross but honestly, I don’t see how the hell the termites can wipe their own asses. Whether you find big people attractive or not, it doesn’t do the least bit of good for the cholesterol and blood pressure or much of anything else.

I can only lose a few pounds but I can also stop from gaining, so back to three meals a day I go that are about 400 calories each with no snacks in between or wine or anything like that. I’ve also been slacking off on exercising which is part of the problem too, so I’m ramping that back up. I’m jogging at 4 MPH on the treadmill for one minute every hour until I get too tired to do it, so I’ll get about 13 minutes of that today, plus my 15-minute vibration session. The 13 minutes of jogging will be similar to half an hour of walking. Eventually, I’ll do 2 minutes an hour.

I accidentally found an article that said Cheerios has been clinically proven to lower cholesterol. Decided that would make a good first meal. Even the box of Cheerios pictured on Walmart says it reduces cholesterol so we’ll see.

My second meal will be beans or chickpeas with fruit, and my third meal will be meat and veggies. This way, I’m only having meat with one meal and not getting as much cholesterol although I’ll occasionally throw in some eggs.

The mystery diamond painting I got today still isn’t much of a mystery if you can hold it up to the light and just make out the image. It’s a wolf. Wolves are just OK so maybe I’ll do this one for Eileen. We hardly talk but she’s made me stuff in the past and I think it would be something she’d like.

Andy’s desert painting is almost done. We’ve been getting along better than ever and I hope it stays that way! I’ve always looked up to him and seen him as a big brother of sorts. It was funny how he was telling me I’ve always been a loyal and honest friend.

I don’t know about that at times. Most of the time, yes. I try to be as loyal and honest as possible. But I did dump him twice for a total of 15 years, and I wasn’t always completely honest about some things but I have made a point of improving on these issues and I have.

Dad will be sent to his forever home at sunup. We’re going to bury the urn at the crack of dawn when we can hopefully do it without getting barked at and no one will be out and about yet to see what we’re doing. We’ll just have to listen to the planes. Imagine what the park would think if they knew human remains were buried here! LOL, I wonder if someone will dig it up in 100 years or so like if they bulldoze out all these houses, which will be old as hell then, to build a shopping mall or apartment complex or something like that. At least it shouldn’t be dug up while we’re still alive, not that we’re doing anything wrong.

My schedule is “half a roll” away from reaching out to the realtors! Getting exciting! Around the time I have my eye exam next Friday is when he’ll make contact. Still expecting a joke of an offer from the manufactured home buyers and to have to go through a traditional realtor, though. I just hope to hell it doesn’t take forever!

Apparently, not all land in Florida is flat. There’s a town called Brooksville we were looking at homes in and it’s surprisingly hilly. It’s south of Homosassa.

SATURDAY, APRIL 17, 2021
My guess was right on! He guessed my TSH would be an 11 and I guessed it would be a 12. Well, it’s a 12. My fault due to the 2 skips I made a month ago. But I’ve definitely been a lot worse than 12, so while 12 isn’t great, it’s not horrible either. I’m sure it will be in the single digits soon enough.

Slightly high on lymphocytes but nothing even remotely worrisome, but as expected, my cholesterol sucks. I read around on life expectancy without statins and there really doesn’t seem to be any significant evidence suggesting I won’t live a normal lifespan or at least close enough to it, so I’m not worried about not taking statins, something some people believe are overrated anyway. One doesn’t have much choice in the first place if one can’t handle the side effects. If I had 50 more years to live then maybe I’d be a little concerned but at 55, I think I’ve lived long enough, lol. Besides, I think it would take another 15-20 years before a lack of treatment did anything to me if it did. Meanwhile, I’ve already decided that whenever my time is up, I’m OK with that. I’m not gonna do anything that makes me feel worse than the original problem. Besides, you don’t “feel” high cholesterol. Not unless it does result in any serious trouble. So because I’m incredibly prone to side effects I’m going to go by my “no symptoms, no treatment” rule.

My glucose was down 10 points to 100.

The biggest thing I do dread feeling is the inevitable return of anxiety. I’m still doing OK but I know it’s only a temporary reprieve as always. When it returns I just have to remind myself that I really will slowly get used to it over the years if it is a life sentence, and it will just make the better days more appreciated. I’ll also have to remind myself that I wasn’t stuck in the last anxiety spell I had even though it was just about the longest one I ever had and I felt like I was permanently stuck in an anxious state forever. I have to keep in mind that I can still have good days, and I do.

For now, I’m still drinking black cohosh tea which I’m getting low on. They’re out of stock of the kinds I want on Amazon so I’m going to try the 40-milligram tablets Kim takes.

While I was ordering the tablets, I ordered a mystery diamond painting. A real mystery where the canvas is completely blank and you have to complete it to know what it is.

They extubated Aly but she may need it again. Chemo hasn’t started yet either. Right now she’s worried about getting enough sleep, saying the night nurse isn’t very kind or understanding. That doesn’t surprise me. There are so many crabby nurses and doctors that I often wonder why the hell they ever got in the healthcare field to begin with if they don’t give a shit and they’re going to treat patients like they’re just another burden to have to deal with when there are other ways to get a decent enough paycheck that doesn’t involve having to deal with people as much.

I started cleaning out the refrigerator and the only thing left to clean is the small drawer and the freezer. I thought it would be better to do it a little bit at a time so I don’t let out so much cold air.

I added some pink glitter to the last glitter topcoat I got. I definitely have a glittery sink now! It wasn’t too hard to pour into the bottle using one of the diamond trays but some spilled over.

I’m thinking my best bet with the neon shakers is to dip something like a toothpick in the glitter and then gently tap it and sprinkle it onto the nail. I think that if I pour directly from the shaker I’m going to get too much. I’ll find out soon enough!

Incredibly I slept through the garbage truck, the green waste truck, and the bulk pickup truck. I really cranked up the sound machines and threw in one of those foam earplugs into my good ear as well.

The two bonded female guinea pigs didn’t last long at the SPCA. They, along with more rabbits, have been adopted.

Earlier…

What surprises me are all the errors I’m still finding in my journals. They may be minor but they’re there, nonetheless. How the hell did Grammarly miss these things the first time around? And to think I had some of it published at one point!

Ugh, over 3,000,000 covid deaths and that’s only the ones we know about. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was more than twice that many. Seems like such a tiny percentage of the population but then a huge number in itself.

Found both Nane and Christiane on Instagram and couldn’t resist following and messaging Nane and letting her know what a hypocrite she is, LOL. I also used her as a test to see how much text I can send in a message there. Originally I was going to send Lisa a copy of my final message there but it would be way too big for it.

As long as I can handle the climate and the storms aren’t waking me up too much, I don’t see why I wouldn’t love Florida. I’m determined to. I want to. I will!

If we could eliminate the planes, mutts, and motorcycles, that would leave me to just have to deal with landscaping and projects which would be a huge improvement but I’m still afraid to get my hopes up. I still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if we couldn’t afford the places that didn’t allow mutts and motorcycles. The rest of the world may not be as I know it but I do still believe there is a noise curse on me and that I’m going to end up with some kind of fluke or extreme just like always. Plus there’s the fact that adult communities have changed. Drastically.

Not only do I realize the benefits of a park versus the mainstream but also the pros and cons of owning the land in the park. If we own the land, that would make our expenses cheaper which would be great but then that gives people more freedom to do whatever the fuck they want, and to hell with who it may affect. They wouldn’t have to bring their dogs indoors if they didn’t want to, and I would think it would be less likely we could get a place that was mutt and motorcycle-free in a place where we’d own the land.

Aly came to visit us in my dreams last night. We hugged each other and then I ran to grab something that was cooking in the oven.

FRIDAY, APRIL 16, 2021
We won’t know how much swimming and biking we’ll be able to do until we know exactly where we’re going but it would be cool to do a different form of exercise every day. Yoga one day, then the treadmill, then the vibration platform, biking, swimming, Bowflexing, etc.

Today we traded in barking for motorcycle engine gunning. And of course the planes and helicopters are the usual annoyance. Tom’s right. What I know isn’t what the rest of the world is. It’s only what keeps following me from place to fucking place. It’s just a question of whether or not I have two sources of annoyances or many annoyances as we do here. I swear I’m not meant to have a peaceful place to live. It’s like it simply isn’t meant to be no matter what. I still think - and hope - that we can at least do better than this since every place I’ve lived before this has been quieter. The only place not quieter was jail.

But if we can get out of the fly zone and do away with the planes and copters, then I can take my nights back. Also, if we can get away from the street, then I don’t have to worry about my sleep being disrupted by traffic. Definitely not gonna get any sleep tomorrow because the bulk pick-up people didn’t come today. I’m hoping they and the regular pick-up will come tomorrow so I can get that much over with on the same day. Then it’s just the motorcycles they have to worry about.

In Googling this address to see where else it may come up for free, I found a list of residents on the street and “Geri” is actually Gerry A. Found her on Facebook although she doesn’t appear to have posted anything in a few years. Good, though, because then I can give her a piece of my mind about her rudeness where the dog is concerned after we’re gone.

The question is when that will be. We both believe we’re not going to have any luck with the manufactured home buyers. They’re probably gonna make some joke off an offer like 40K. If that’s the case, then people are even dumber than I gave them credit for if they think anyone’s going to be OK with an amount that low.

I know we’ll be stuck having to go through a traditional realtor because things never come easy to us. We never get any breaks. We always have to take the longer, harder path, and if I’m right about something wanting me to be in noisy places, it sure as hell isn’t gonna let me out of here that easily.

Chatted with Andy a bit and got a couple of quick messages from Aly which weren’t good. They haven’t started chemo yet because they had to intubate her. I had to look up what that was too. She feels totally hated and like she just can’t get better the way she should.

I don’t blame her either! She is as cursed with health issues as I am with noise but I’m sure she would trade places with me in a heartbeat if she could. The biggest thing I dread is the return of the anxiety and I know damn well it’s gonna be back anytime now. I would rather have to have a tube shoved down my throat than be anxious and have those shitty emotions that are hard to describe.

I woke up many times but last time around it wasn’t due to traffic. I woke up to pee, just because, and I had a nightmare as well.

In the dream, I was sitting at a table in an apartment building or a hotel when I noticed my hands begin to tremble. My heart started beating funny too, and I felt myself beginning to panic. I stepped outside the room and into a hallway where I was intent on waking up Tom. But then I told myself to be brave and handle it on my own as I stumbled off and into some kind of furniture showroom that was attached to the building.

There was a group of three or four girls in their late teens to early 20s that began heckling me about whatever as I studied a double bed with a frilly quilt that had a nightstand on one side and a rocking chair with a large Victorian doll on the other. I asked if the bedroom set was for sale and then I saw a price tag of $98. LOL

I wanted to stay and face the girls and their bullying but because I felt so horrible, I just wasn’t up to it. I went back to our place and found that to shut the door, I had to hit one of a series of buttons and it would close much like an elevator door. I just couldn’t remember which button it was and began to get extremely nervous, fearing I wouldn’t get the door shut before the girls caught up to me. So I quickly hit each button on the panel until the door began to slide shut just as a light came on further down the hall signaling that the girls were catching up to me. The doors slid shut and I plopped down on the bed and let out a long breath of relief as I said, “Thank you, God.”

THURSDAY, APRIL 15, 2021
Ugh, Geri is really pissing me off with that fucking mutt of hers and she’s lucky we’re leaving, or else I would say something, and fuck worrying about retaliation. I don’t know if her other dog was quieter or if it just wasn’t left outside as much as this one. I can’t believe all the barking I’m hearing in this park lately! That one down Astro was outside unattended and barking its ass off. This one is worse because it goes on and on and on. I can’t believe the neighbors put up with that shit but this is the west. People are more accepting and tolerant of other people’s noise here. It’s just that I thought this was one of the few places, west or not, where it wasn’t supposed to be accepted or tolerated. Wasn’t that one of the reasons we came here? Really hope it isn’t that way in Florida!

I still feel both cursed and like it’s widespread. Sure, there are still some places that are quieter than others, but in general, people just don’t give a shit about others no matter where you go. Boom car stereos are common and it wouldn’t surprise me if dogs and projects were common everywhere as well. At the same time, I know it isn’t just me, I still do kind of feel like I’m noise-cursed. There’s always something no matter where I go. This place, however, has definitely been the worst. It’s unfuckingbelievably noisy here. Along with the daily soundscape, there’s always something overly annoying that stands out. First it was Bob sawing, then it was the contractor that used to live here sawing, then it was the loud car, then it was the cock across the street sawing, and now it’s barking.

I would definitely not want to move into a park where someone had a picket fence like Geri’s dog is kept in along with the one down the street. Those are definite magnets for people to say WTF and leave their dogs out unattended. But I also worry about lanais in Florida being just as annoying since sound comes in and out of those things easily which means every time someone walked by our neighbors, I would have to listen to the fucking barking. Hell, even the termite let hers bark through her lanai’s screen door at passersby. I totally want a pet-free park but won’t hold out much hope of getting into one.

Tom’s reminding me that what I know isn’t what the rest of the world is necessarily like is reassuring. :) God, I hope this is the exception and not the norm! But yeah, planes, loud vehicles, barking, road work, roaring freeways, daily landscaping, projects, water outages…this place sucks. I’m sure I’m forgetting some things too not that this isn’t enough. Really, I’ve had enough of all of it!

At least I know the planes and helicopters aren’t like this everywhere - at least not yet - because Aly and Andy would definitely say so if they were hearing the same shit.

Despite the annoyances around here, I’m pleased to say that I’m still feeling great! Of course I don’t expect it to last much longer, though. It never does. I’m also looking at being woken up twice over the next few days because of the bulk trash collection and the regular collection which doesn’t help.

Not long after putting a bunch of bulk stuff out there, it was taken. On the way to the lab, we saw a bunch of pickups out scavenging for whatever they could get, probably to sell at yard sales. An old portable AC, the dresser a coworker of his in Oregon gave us that I put pink flower transfers onto, the cage, and a bunch of other things. In fact, the pile got so small that he added some stuff he was going to give to Goodwill but figured he would put it out there instead since it wasn’t anything all that useful. An ice chest, an old computer, etc.

We had to wait about 20 minutes for me to get blood drawn since we got there 10 minutes early. The first girl that tried had no luck but the second girl managed to get the three tubes needed.

I’m sure my cholesterol will be high but hopefully, it’s not over 300. I also hope my blood sugar isn’t higher. I’m guessing my TSH is going to be about a 12.

I removed our address from another public search site. I’ll have to watch for our new one to show up when we get settled at the new place.

No Doc A marathon last night for dreams. I don’t really remember any of my dreams. I started to remember one and then forgot it. It hit me, though, that I can find out if there’s any grain of truth to the dream I had where Doc A confessed to liking me. In about a year or so after getting settled and established in Florida, I plan to say hello on Facebook. Well, if you like someone, even if you’ll never see them again, why wouldn’t you respond? Of course that all depends on whether or not she gets the message in the first place and there isn’t a much stricter rule than I ever realized as far as interacting with even former patients outside of work.

TUESDAY, APRIL 13, 2021
Rockefeller has been adopted, yay! So that took 3.5 weeks. I hope Blitz gets his own forever home soon! I can’t help but wonder who got him and where he’ll be living. Will he be in a home with adults only or will there be children as well? Will it be a house or an apartment? What kind of schedule will the people there have? I wondered about these things along with how much experience they’ve had with guinea pigs.

I feel so horrible for Aly. It not only turns out that the mass was cancerous but she needs chemo eventually as well. She also needs kidney stones removed. She’s had breathing/coughing issues as well and doesn’t know when she’ll be discharged. She still has fluid in her stomach that they remove. She feels like an idiot for believing her doctor was right in that it was all on her liver and is now paying the price for it. She will too if she goes after her which she says she likely will.

Yeah, good luck with that. I hope to hell she does but sadly, I doubt it will do any good. It’s like trying to go after a cop or a lawyer. They are seen as superior in society and as these little gods of sorts, and I think it will be hard to prove negligence. She would have to prove that the doctor purposely, recklessly, knowingly, and intentionally misdiagnosed her. Yet all the doctor has to do is say she tried her very best and really believed her diagnosis was correct. Then it will be written off as human error.

The mystery diamond painting came today only it turns out that it’s not much of a mystery after all. I thought I was getting one of the ones with a blank white canvas but nope. The only difference with this one is that they don’t tell you what it is up front and you don’t know until you receive it. You can see the image once you open the package. With the mystery painting I thought I was getting, you don’t know what it is until it’s completed. Fortunately, though, I do like the image. It’s a pretty village scene with sailboats peeking through trees in the background.

I also thought I was getting two paintings. In one part of the description, they made it sound like it was two, and in another, we weren’t sure. Amazon needs to hire editors for those who can’t fucking write.

The last set of nail strips came and I don’t think they’ll be an issue at all. Out of the first two I got, one set sucks because they’re too stiff and not sticky enough while the other is of much better quality. I have the pink roses against a white background on now, and as small as my nails are, you can still tell what it is.

The glitter topcoat I last got is too scattered so I ordered some glitter from Walmart to add to it. It’s extra fine pink glitter. I also ordered a set of 6 neon glitter shakers to sprinkle on a still wet clear thin topcoat. The idea is for it to stick to it and dry up that way, and then I’ll go over it with a thick coat of topcoat. It will reinforce the stickers and add a nice touch to the ones that are on the dull side.

Tom has been working hard on the prep work. He took apart the desk in the living room and spent all day yesterday packing up the storeroom and pulling out stuff to go out in the bulk trash collection. My schedule sucks right now because that means I’m definitely going to be woken up twice this week. Tomorrow I go to the lab so luckily they’ll be coming after that’s done.

Thought someone with a motorcycle moved in nearby because I heard it 3 fucking times yesterday. However, neither of us has heard it today.

I don’t know about the planes and daily landscaping but I still worry that the motorcycles are a life sentence that began when we moved in here. I don’t know how common petless, motorcycleless parks are in Florida but somehow I doubt they’re all that common.

Even so, we would still prefer to be in a gated park because it’s safer. If we’re out in the mainstream we’re open to even more trouble and more noise. I don’t want to add the screaming kids, boom car stereos, and dogs barking round the clock into the mix and be more at risk of a break-in.

Just like I’ve learned I’m not alone as far as menopause goes, I also don’t seem to be alone as far as being annoyed by how loud things are from motorcycles to boom car stereos. The problem is that it’s like with all the rogue cops we’ve got running around these days. People are more than happy to complain but no one’s willing to actually do anything about it.

Geri’s dog sometimes sticks its head through the picket fence and silently stares at me when I’m outside but doesn’t bark nearly as much as dogs in other places I’ve lived in. The dog down the street in the other picket fence was going off. I wonder if that one is left out there during the day. It seems to be. Geri’s is probably out more often than I realize too, just not at night.

I not only had the strangest dream about Doc A last night but I seemed to dream about her all night long. I just don’t remember all the dreams except for the one where she confessed to liking me.

SUNDAY, APRIL 11, 2021
It’s scary to see the population in the US climb by 100,000 in less than three weeks. I seriously doubt they’re all births too.

I jumped on Zenni and picked out three frames for progressives, computer, and diamond painting glasses, but thanks to my fucking schedule, I’ll have to wait until the end of the month to get an exam.

I finished the Dreamcatcher diamond painting last night and the desert painting will be here tomorrow. I also ordered a rainbow swirl diamond painting, a 2-pack of mystery diamond paintings, and a Siamese rat eating a green apple against a pink background. Why didn’t I think to look for rats earlier? LOL, hopefully I won’t have to buy any more paintings while we’re here.

Joe came to the door and picked up Aly’s package which they estimate will arrive Tuesday. No idea when she’ll be discharged, though.

Yesterday he took the shower doors outside and laid them down on that plastic worktable which was definitely a smart purchase and used the power hose, another smart purchase, to hose them off, and also the electric brush to clean them with, which was yet another smart purchase. They don’t look perfect being as old as they are, but they look a lot better and certainly decent enough for someone to move into.

Based on when we reach full immunity and my schedule will be best for it, we’re looking at reaching out to realtors at the end of the month.

We both agreed it’s better to take whatever we can get for this place, get out of here sooner, and start off in a small old “tooth” house. I’m not even going to get my hopes up or dare to dream of anything better as far as anything more modern with a nice view goes. I know better. It just wasn’t meant to be for me to have my perfect place on earth. It seems some things are in our cards and come to us easily and then there’s just the opposite.

I knew we would have to settle as we pretty much always do. I’m also not stupid enough to think anything could be that temporary. I know all he would have to do would be to get a job long enough for us to qualify for a bigger and better place but I know that if something took an average of a year or two for most people, it would be closer to half a decade for us. I think by the time we get there, I’ll be all moved out, so since I’ve known that my paradise doesn’t exist any more than a woman or a child did, I think it would be better to make the best of whatever we can get. If it’s out of a fly zone and off a busy street, it’s definitely going to be better than this, no matter what it is. The climate will be better and while I still expect to hear some barking and projects and some loud vehicles as well, I don’t expect to hear landscaping every single day. The most important thing is eliminating threats to my sleep. I don’t want to have to go to bed in the daytime wondering if loud vehicles are going to wake me up. But there’s no such thing as my perfect little paradise on earth and being in a place I absolutely love and would never want to leave. Just a place that’s warmer and a little quieter than here.

We would both prefer it if he didn’t work rather than have him go to work for a place that doesn’t exist for us. It may exist for Docs A and N, but not for us. I don’t know if this is by design or random chance but it’s just the way it is. Meanwhile, he’s happier not working because then he can do things he enjoys doing on his own terms and I definitely feel a lot safer and less lonely. His being out of the house for 12 hours a day, especially when I was at my worst, was very hard on me. His being home also makes going to appointments and things like that easier.

We talked about how it would actually be cheaper to use Uber rather than pay insurance for a car that sat doing nothing most days of the week and while that makes sense financially, I don’t know if I would like that. I would worry about the Uber making us late for appointments, and what about when there were power failures? There would certainly be more power failures there. If the power went out when it was hot and humid, we could jump in a car and throw on the AC. But not if we didn’t have one in the first place. Oh, Tom just said he’s looking at battery-operated generators. As for not replacing Candy, that’s gonna depend on how far inland we end up.

SATURDAY, APRIL 10, 2021
Aly’s recovering from surgery. I guess they took both her ovaries out and that means instant menopause, the poor girl. If she has it half as bad as I have, it’ll still be a nightmare.

Aly said she was terrified at first because she thought she was in an explosion, and that she loves me like a sister.

I ordered an 8x10 desert diamond painting to do for Andy. I had a pair of palm tree pictures against a sunset sky and was going to use one of the frames to put it in. However, the frame is glass rather than plastic and glued at the edges so I can’t replace it easily without damaging it. So I’m just going to send the diamond painting by itself and let him get a frame for it. That way all we have to do is stamp it and throw it in a regular mailbox unlike Aly’s package which the post office is taking its sweet time picking up. If they don’t get it soon, we’re going to have to bring it to the post office ourselves which will suck since we still have a week to go to reach full immunity. We’ll reach it next Saturday on Aly’s 40th birthday.

We framed the diamond painting of the dark-haired girl and it looks gorgeous. Working on the dream catcher now.

One of the two sets of nail strips I got was either old or defective. Decided Wokoto is my favorite brand so I went to their store and ordered a few small sets. They’re a mix of floral, gradient, and other designs with both glitter and glossy finishes.

Tom thinks he might have broken a bone in his foot because now his toe is sore. If he did, it should just be a tiny, microscopic piece that will settle into place somewhere.

FRIDAY, APRIL 9, 2021
Went out walking yesterday and it was nice. The kind of weather that would be a little too chilly if you were just sitting there but ideal for working out. Probably not going to go out today but will hit the vibe platform.

I just wish I knew why I always get stuck after I lose a couple of pounds! It really is like my body does everything it can to prevent additional weight loss. Found an article that confirmed that no, I’m not going crazy or imagining it. Constipation really can hinder weight loss. I remember this to be an issue going as far back as Maricopa. I wonder if my thyroid started going bad that far back. I figure it started anywhere between the early 2000s and 2010. But I certainly couldn’t stay stuck for life if I suddenly stopped eating, could I? Not that I’d want to stop eating but it definitely makes me wonder.

Yesterday I felt great emotionally. My heart got a little racy at the end of my day but that was about it. Starting off today well but who knows how I’ll feel later on. I just wonder how the hell the days have gotten so damn long! It seems like the older I get, the more hours in a day there are.

I tweeted to the SPCA asking how long they keep healthy animals before they give up trying to rehome them and they said they keep them for as long as it takes provided they remain happy and healthy.

They updated the pigs’ about me section since they’ve gotten to know them now that they’ve had some time with them, and they mentioned Rockefeller making the cutest little guinea pig sounds when he gets excited and how Blitz is shy but friendly.

Love this liquid facial foundation I got a sample of a while back. It covers the redness well and provides a more even-colored appearance but over time I’ve noticed a reduction in the redness in my face, so maybe I never really did have rosacea. It seemed like it was at its reddest during the time we lived in Auburn but now there’s just a hint of it which is nice because then I don’t need blush but also don’t look like a clown either or like I got this strange sunburn.

Also got another perfume sample that smells nice. Love getting those and facial creams and serums.

Aly’s gift will be going out today and arriving early next week though I don’t know when she’ll be released. Haven’t heard from her since yesterday’s surgery. I just hope she gets a break and can enjoy better health and happiness for a while whether or not she remains with Cam.

Last night I had a dream C was in but I don’t remember much detail other than referring to him as handsome, giving him a quick kiss, and being glad he didn’t want any more than friendship.

There was also some dream about Tom and I going to meet in a hotel that was just outside the park. He wanted me to walk there after 11:00 PM and would later meet me there. I was worried about the possibility of being jumped by more people than I could handle but then we agreed I would be OK.

THURSDAY, APRIL 8, 2021
Still can’t figure out for the life of me why my body stops shitting once I get down to 155. Just what the hell is going on that’s so important that I keep my weight? I still don’t get that one. Well, at least I don’t have to worry about what I eat since the weight is eventually going to reset itself on its own anyway. I still watch what I eat most days, but I don’t have to worry about the one or two cheat days I throw in each week. I can’t imagine ever needing to but it’s also nice to know that if I ever had to go for a while without food, I wouldn’t waste away.

Lab day is on the 14th. I’m guessing my TSH will be 12-16. The skips probably kicked me up to around 22, so I’d be starting from there and not the 34 or so I’d be unmedicated.

Tom got a new Google phone and we both got passport wallets that will be a convenient place to keep those along with credit cards, medical cards, etc. His will be black and mine will be lake blue.

We both agree that our best bet is to just take a lower offer for this place so we can get the fuck out already and then get a cheap dump when we get there so we increase our chances of getting into it with our limited income, and then we can customize it to our taste and decide if we want a set a goal to get into a nicer place or not. I’ve learned that except for when it comes to each other, life has been nothing but settling anyway. Especially when you don’t have tons of money. But even the dumpiest place there is going to be better than here!

Speaking of houses, it occurred to me last night that I never thought to Zabasearch my doctors, so I ran Doc A’s name and found that she lives in Auburn, 33 minutes away. She has a beautiful two-story home at the end of a cul de SAC. It’s a 4-bedroom, 3-bath built in 1982 and is over 2000 square feet.

Now that I see it on a satellite map and how surrounded she is by nature much like Jesse’s trailer was, it goes with her Facebook cover photo. I’m sure that was taken on her back deck. Oh how much more peaceful it must be there! She might hear some barking at least at night and maybe some distant bass thumping as we do here but from what I remember, there were no planes or helicopters. The only time we heard helicopters was when they were replacing the wires up at the summit. She’s so fucking lucky!

She’s not as old as I thought she was, either. I thought she was 46 but she’s actually 43. I don’t think she’s married like I assumed since her last name is technically (name omitted). I noticed she has relatives in Ecuador that also go by (name omitted), plus I can clearly see no ring in pictures that show her left hand. She might have a boyfriend, though, because I’ve seen her pictured with a guy with sandy-colored hair and light eyes and one of her three kids has that same coloring. She’s heavy into GLBT rights so who knows? Maybe she’s gay or she just prefers the single life.

Then I looked up my ENT who’s the exact age I thought she was (38) and 21 minutes away and OMFG! She has a 5000-square-foot mansion in Fair Oaks! It’s a 2003 home worth over a million bucks and has 5 bedrooms and 4 baths. My first thought was, who the hell needs that much space, especially just three people?! But then I realized that one or both of them might have kids from previous relationships. She married and moved in there in 2014 and it looks like Doc A moved into her place in 2012. Maybe they have separate bedrooms, one belongs to the kid I know she has, and another is a guest room while another is a playroom for all I know. It too is on a culdesac but she would definitely hear more barking because as huge as the houses are, they’re set incredibly close. She could hear a similar number of planes but probably no more bass than we hear unless one of her immediate neighbors is into that shit.

While I certainly wouldn’t want a place that was thousands of square feet, it still sometimes sucks to know that I’m never going to really truly love where I live and that we’re always going to have to settle. I’ll never get the peace and quiet I’ve always wanted. In fact, getting into a petless, motorcycle-free park is just a pipe dream. I mean, sure, they exist, but waiting to find an ideal and affordable place in one of them would probably take forever since I’m guessing they’re few and far between. So yeah, it sucks to know that the next place will likely be quieter than this but still noisier than I’d like. Also older than I’d like with boring views.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7, 2021
Felt great yesterday but after a night of shitty sleep and shitty dreams, I’m feeling kind of blah today.

In one dream, I had my own apartment and I guess something must have happened to Tom even though I didn’t “feel” like he died or anything because I was crying to my ENT about how I was done and it was over for me because of how hard it was going to be for me to make it on my own.

“I don’t think people realize just how hard it is for those with circadian rhythm disorder,” I said, and then she put a finger to her lips and said something to suggest it wasn’t a crisis, though I don’t remember what she said.

Then I fell back asleep after getting up to pee and was crying about the same thing in the next dream, only I was at the termite’s place and our parents were still alive. I was telling her I hadn’t paid a dime of last month’s rent and was really scared for myself.

I wanted desperately to call our parents but was having trouble getting through. When they finally called us, I wanted to blurt it all out but all I could do was sob and tell them I missed them.

Got to my appointment a few minutes early and waited in the car. Being the first patient of the day, we saw Doc A drive in at 7:30. She drives this ugly navy-colored thing.

Doc A confirmed that no, nothing in my brain broke that’s causing my negative emotions otherwise there would be other symptoms. Found another site called Gennev that also confirms that the negative emotions, including depression and anxiety, can extend into the phase of menopause I’m in.

It’s true that when I think about it, there isn’t anything else physiologically wrong with me that should be causing it other than hormonal changes. They do chemistry/hormone panels at least once a year and I don’t have any other issues or diseases that could cause depression and anxiety. Yet even though my logic tells me exactly what it is and that it can’t go on forever, I still worry it will. Because I can never know for sure what will happen and when it makes it harder on me. But if I knew it would taper off around such and such a time, I think that would help at least to a degree. Since there’s no magic pill I can take, I just have to utilize other tools like tapping, the tea, and getting out as often as I can. The nights I used to love are now something I totally dread.

For the longest time, I said that if the me of my 20s could read many of my future journals from my 30s and 40s, I would be amazed, delighted, and surprised by much of what I read. But if the present-day me could read entries from the next 5 to 10 years I would honestly be afraid to! I’m just afraid I would cringe at what I might read.

I told Doc A about the side effects I had from the statins and the bupropion and that I can’t get into the lab until next week. She said to let her know when we’re actually moving so she can give me a few months of medication to hold me over until I can get a new doctor.

I showed her the red spot on my leg and she isn’t sure what it is. She says that if it ever bothers me or I ever want to find out, I can go to a dermatologist for a biopsy. Fortunately, it doesn’t itch and it hasn’t changed color or size in quite a while.

Loud vehicles, including motorcycles, are getting bad again. We’re looking at about a week or two before we contact the Sundae-like people. I can’t fucking wait!

We went online so I could submit my excuse for wanting to get out of jury duty and that’s that it would take an hour and 40 minutes via public transportation each way. Fortunately, this is true since I don’t think they’ll accept my simply not being interested.

TUESDAY, APRIL 6, 2021
The pigs now have competition because there are two new pigs listed and they’re only a year old. I’m just glad they’re in good hands right now. I do miss them, but I know they’re better off where they are.

Tom’s foot is still healing so he’s been taking it easy, but I gave the stove a serious cleaning yesterday and will be tackling more of the refrigerator next. I really let it go for a while. I guess when you don’t give a shit about a place, you tend to do that. Still have to take the pumice and scrape the rings off the toilets as well. He’s going to steam the oven and these old shower stalls.

I just worry that we won’t be able to get a decent enough offer.

It’s looking more likely that we will fly out of here as opposed to driving but we’ll probably have to settle for Coach which would suck. Coach is always full of screaming kids. Even more so when it’s during prime travel time. I still don’t understand why airlines don’t do more to crack down on unruly kids or why the parents would even want to fly with them in the first place until they’re older. But better to scream cross country than drive it because it would be so hard on both of us. Plus, I’ll take my noise-canceling headphones. I don’t know how much good they’ll do me, but they would be better than nothing. Especially since the engines are going to be louder in Coach. As loud as planes are, though, it’s never enough to drown out the fucking brats, and if one is kicking my seat…

Excited for my two new sets of nail polish strips by Maitys that will be here tomorrow! One has solid colors and the other is a mix of solids and gradients.

Last night I dreamed we lived in a house that looks nothing like this and might have had two stories. Aly lived with us and they were both at work and it was nighttime. I realized I no longer liked being alone and even felt a bit nervous, especially when I opened the bathroom or bedroom door to find these strange shadows beyond the window at the end of the hallway. But then I realized it was 11:30 which meant that Tom would be in any second since he left work at 11 and it took him a half-hour to get home. I knew Aly would be home soon as well since she also worked the second shift.

Aly’s going to be having the ovary with the mass removed today. I guess they don’t know for sure if it’s cancerous, but they don’t want to take any chances. They’ve also decided that no, she doesn’t have kidney stones. I thought she was a bit young for that.

Also, one of the doctors is really bitchy telling her to push herself and not leave so much to the nurses. She says this doctor is a “known problem” around the hospital.

I asked her if she felt confident she would be staying with Cam for me to mail her birthday present there, and sure enough, she said she doesn’t know when she’ll be back with Cam, please send it to her parents, and thanks.

Like Cam wouldn’t hold her mail for her or something? So yeah, she definitely doesn’t want me to have that address or any info on Cam for some reason. She said it wasn’t for lack of trust but because she never stays anywhere more than a few months and isn’t sure she’ll be there for long. But she’s already been there for more than just a few months. If she didn’t trust me, why would she have given me her parents’ address? Yet it’s so hard to believe that she’s making him up. But Summayah the doctor didn’t exist so at this point, the only thing that makes sense, sadly, is that Cam really doesn’t exist either. There’s something about her that’s keeping her from getting a guy which is still hard to believe since even the worst of women can land a guy but that’s the only thing I can think of at this point.

There’s a chance he could have made her swear to keep the address private and anything about him but then what would he be hiding? I don’t know, it all seems so weird. I’ve seen pictures of just about all my friends with their significant others. She’s the only one who insists she can’t share a picture because he’s “private.” Who the hell is that private, though? Even Tom’s never had a problem with me sharing our wedding or vacation photos.

I asked him his opinion and he thinks she just doesn’t want to commit to that address and that it’s some kind of psychological thing. But what is she gonna do when her parents move to Florida, if they really do as she says they’re thinking of doing, get a PO Box?

Well, it cuts both ways because guess what? She’s not getting our new address until she can find it out herself!

MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2021
I wish I could delete all memories of anxiety every time I wake up so that I wouldn’t spend so much time worrying about becoming anxious when I wasn’t actually anxious and would only be anxious when I really was.

It was virtually non-existent yesterday so I’m worried that today is going to be bad to make up for it. Even my arm is a little sore as if there was a delayed reaction from when I got the shot.

I also still don’t get how the hell I can gain 2.5 pounds from just ONE day of indulging and not shitting. I’m perfectly OK with remaining fat if that’s what my body feels it needs to do for whatever reason, but the curious side of me wonders about this strange phenomenon. It started resetting itself through being stuck before I started indulging. I didn’t indulge until the end of my day. So I just don’t get this one. Why is it so important to my body to hang on to its weight? What does it think would happen if I was suddenly 120 or something?

Actually, that might have been 1.2 pounds I gained since I might have been mistaken as to what I got down to but that still doesn’t take away the mystery of the big question as to why this always happens whenever I start to lose. I swear I could be locked in a room and starved and I would still hold my weight.

Despite my body’s determination to hold its weight, my wrists and ankles are slimmer lately so I had to put the smaller band back on my Fitbit even though I’m mostly only wearing it to bed these days.

Tom thinks he probably broke his foot when the board landed on the top of it. It sure is pretty nasty looking and he said it feels fine when he’s lying down but when he gets up, it’s excruciating, so he’s gotta take it easy for a few days. I can do my part by myself just fine. Gotta tackle some cleaning since I don’t want things getting too dusty whether it’s stuff we’re taking with us or that’s part of the house.

Should I be worried about seeing two Florida visitors and one Connecticut visitor when I checked my visitor report? The tracking site I’ve been using has really gone downhill because I can’t tell where they went and their new playback of visitors’ activity doesn’t work at all. Anyway, I don’t see why the termites would come up as being in Naples or New Port Richey so no need to worry, and besides, what could they do anyway?

Saturday we saw Bob and Virginia’s SUV as well as a truck that looked like some kind of construction worker parked at the house, so I’m guessing one of their kids is looking to have something done before they sell the place. And I’m sure I’ll have to hear all about it too. Yesterday was nice and quiet but that’s Lakeview Village for you. It takes a Sunday and a holiday for it to be quieter here.

SUNDAY, APRIL 4, 2021
We’re now officially vaccinated! We went down to the clubhouse at 11, and just as I figured there would be, there was a long line wrapping around to the side of the building. I’m sure we would have been in and out if I’d just gotten up rather than having been up 14 hours.

Ended up having to wait about an hour and I was surprised it was only in the mid-60s because the glaring sun made it feel warmer. The top of my head always seems to fry unless it’s under 50 degrees so I wished I had my pink sparkly cap along with a lighter-colored short sleeve outfit. I was slightly warm in my long-sleeved wine-colored dress but not too bad. It was mostly the top of my head and the bright glare. It would have been better if it was breezier or we were in the shade. Good thing it wasn’t in the 90s and humid!

Joy was passing out suckers, the little bitch. I still intend to give her a piece of my mind when we leave.

When we finally got inside, there was a long table with three young ladies. Two giving the shots and one writing out vaccine cards to prove we’ve been vaccinated. If we really do fly out of here that card will help.

One girl was giving the second dose to those who had already had their first dose and one was giving the single-dose shot that we got. Damn, did it hurt at first! I bled a little as well. Really thought it was going to be sore as hell but instead the only side effect I’ve noticed so far is fatigue. I’m so glad the laundry’s done and that the pigs are in someone else’s hands right now and I don’t have any real responsibilities to take care of today. I usually take Sundays off from working out so I can just veg out and relax. Oh, and of course get anxious at some point.

Yeah, yesterday was a pretty shitty day for that. I’m really struggling to come to terms with that and accept the fact that there’s a chance it could be with me for the rest of my life and I may never know why much less what to do about it. I still hope I’ll slowly get used to it over time as it becomes more and more of a way of life for me. The old me is already becoming a distant memory. But hey, I can do this for another 20 years or so, right? Yeah, I got this… I think.

As bright and as warm as the sun was yesterday, I never felt the least bit anxious when I was out there so I’m sure a part of it is having to be cooped up so much lately and just wanting to get the hell out of here but this was an important step in getting there! It’s going to take a couple of weeks to reach full immunity but tomorrow we can schedule eye exams so I can get new glasses and see better and we can really step up the rest of the prep work and finally get this place on the market.

Anyway, I was anxious almost all day yesterday. I’m hoping today’s anxiety will hold off until the middle or later part of my day like it usually does which means that if I do feel anything unpleasant I should have at least two hours to go. I haven’t had any black cohosh tea yet since it doesn’t always seem to be doing me much good but I did my tapping as soon as I got up. I wonder if being so fatigued prevents me from having enough energy to get anxious but I have felt anxiety when I was tired before so maybe not. Maybe just getting the hell out of the house for more than just a quick run to the store and getting a very important vaccine has a hand in why I feel better today at least so far. This vax has a 75% effective rate and is 100% effective at keeping you from having to go to the hospital and dying if you do get it. I guess your symptoms would be very mild.

Because I felt so shitty yesterday, I seriously considered skipping my medication today but I’m kind of glad I didn’t because I’m feeling better even if it’s temporary, and once again, it suggests it might not be the medication. The booming heart I initially had, yes, but the stabs of adrenaline that come in waves???

Now if only my ear/TMJ could stop bugging me so much!

SATURDAY, APRIL 3, 2021
He says he’s sure he’ll be correct in saying I’ll feel better emotionally once we’re moved and I can’t help but ask myself…but what if he’s not? What if these strange and unsettling emotions really are a life sentence? He believes it’s multiple things causing it but what are all those things and why would they suddenly cause me to feel this way when I’ve been through worse in the past and never had this problem?

A woman was depressed due to having a miscarriage in the movie I was watching and I couldn’t help but think how much I miss the days of feeling down or anxious emotionally and knowing exactly why. It was always an outside source as well. Rarely was it anything internal and if it was it was nothing compared to this and it was incredibly short-lived. The worst I’d have would be something like irritability before periods.

I didn’t have much anxiety yesterday but almost every single day now I’m feeling something. Either a sense of unease or just feeling down. I rarely feel calm and happy anymore and I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Again, what are all the culprits? My mind keeps bouncing back and forth between the medication, my hormones, and something else going wrong with me. I keep asking myself the same two questions… What is causing it and what can I do about it? I feel like I’m never going to have answers to these questions. This really is a life sentence, so I just have to buckle up and tough it out. The rest of my life is going to be a rough ride but little by little I should get somewhat used to it the more it becomes a way of life. I would skip a couple of days of my med to see how I did but not with labs right around the corner.

Another thing I don’t get is why my ear/TMJ has been acting up and I also have questions where that’s concerned as well. I definitely do have TMJ symptoms, but could I also have nerve damage from ear surgery? Something else wrong? But really, what’s the point of oiling it and sleeping with my mouthguard if I’m just going to be in pain anyway?

We went to Walgreens yesterday for the first time in a while because I wanted some snacks, and because of my schedule, it was better to go to a 24-hour place.

Earlier we went through the hutch drawers and cabinets and decided what to take, what to trash, and what to Goodwill. Decided I definitely don’t want to take my father’s urn. I thought about trashing it and I wouldn’t hesitate to if it was my mother’s urn. After all, she had no problem sending me to some pretty shitty places herself. But I decided to bury him. Besides, he’s dead for fuck’s sake. He’s either passed on to some other plane or into total nothingness. Toting his ashes around in a fancy vase is pretty meaningless, at least to me.

When Tom’s foot gets better, he’ll make sure to dig a deep enough hole so that if anyone goes to plant something in the same area, he won’t be unearthed. I should have buried him in the woods of Auburn.

Tom’s back is better but he dropped a heavy piece of wood on his foot yesterday and it’s swollen and bruised.

Aly is going to be stuck in the hospital for another week. They don’t think the mass on her ovary is cancerous but just to be safe, they’re going to remove it. She has a kidney infection as well.

In another week I’ll ask her if she feels confident enough that she’ll be staying with Cam to give me her address to send her birthday present to or if she still has doubts that she would prefer me to send it to her parents. I think I can guess what her answer will be.

Today is vax day! We’ll be at the clubhouse at 11:30 and hopefully we won’t have to wait for hours to get jabbed since I’ve been up since 9:20.

I slept long and well, though, so that, along with taking it easy and having an extra cup of coffee, should help. I did do some cleaning, sorting and packing earlier and then Tom reminded me to take it easy so I’m not so rundown later on.

It’s been a surprisingly quiet night for the most part but the morning planes have been horrible lately and I’m sure they will be again in less than an hour.

I should go back to leaving a pad and pen in the bathroom so I can jot down dream notes after I get up and pee. I make a mental note to jot them down in Google Docs or something later on but then I forget.

In last night’s dream, we acquired thousands of dollars although I don’t know how many thousands or how we got it. He was eating and watching a show, but instead of doing it at his computer, he was out in the living room. We planned for him to work for a few months before we moved and I went out to the living room and asked him, “Do you really think it’s worth it to work for a few months before we leave?”

He kind of shrugged as if to say he wasn’t so sure about that and then I said, “You’re fading. The feeling about you working before we leave is fading. I think we should just take the money and go.”

In reality, it’s been many months that I’ve sensed he would never again work in this state.

FRIDAY, APRIL 2, 2021
No, Aly wasn’t just at home resting. They don’t yet know if the tumor is cancerous, but she has a kidney infection and said something about a procedure she doesn’t remember much of and being given morphine for. So I’m guessing this means that both PCPs she saw diagnosed her incorrectly which is truly scary. Maybe even scarier than the actual problems.

I was already on edge early in my day so I’m guessing I’m in for another 2-month spell with only 5 days off. Again, the longer this goes on, the less I think it’s hormonal and the more I think it’s either the meds or a “broken” brain. I’d love to think it was just something about this place in particular but that would be too good to be true. Too easy, and you know I never get off easy and that it won’t be a matter of simply moving to escape it.

I just feel so blah emotionally. Yeah, I think I feel it more emotionally at the moment than physically. My brain still keeps pinging back and forth between the most likely culprits…medication, hormones, broken brain, this place.

Fitbit thought I was doing a 15-minute sport when I was on the vibe platform although there are no active minutes.

Can’t access my Duolingo account. I think it was tied in with an email address I no longer have, and I can’t remember the password either. Unfortunately, this was one of the few accounts where I didn’t keep the info stored anywhere. Oh well. I can always create another account if I want to practice languages.

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2021
We’re on for getting vaccinated this Saturday at the clubhouse with Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose vax! Yes! This puts us one step closer to getting out of here since that was the main holdup. But it was incredibly important! We’ll still have to stay away from people for a couple of weeks but at least this gives me a chance to be right in feeling that will get an offer in April and get out of here in June. Had we not been able to get vaccinated until the end of the month, that could have pushed it out. Of course, there are still delays that could arise but this way I feel like we practically have one foot on the plane!

I guess the single dose is less likely to have side effects but is only something like 70% effective. However, those who have had this vaccine and got sick weren’t nearly as sick as they could have been.

I think I might have been woken up once, but I can’t swear to it. I know I did wake up a lot. Right before appointments, I don’t sleep very well. Doc A got back to me and said that yes, I’ve got orders in for fasting labs and she doesn’t know why I was told differently in January. Oh, maybe because she’s got incompetent staff that can’t keep their shit coordinated and up to date.

The only bad news is that I was anxious for about four hours last night. So far I’m feeling better today and I’m guessing that’s because of the good news.

He and I went out walking earlier and we’re going to really spend the next couple of weeks prepping the place.

I just can’t wait to get the fuck out of here! Tom said there was a project going on today down the street in back in which he could hear circular saws running. Yeah, I don’t doubt it. It’s unfuckingbelievably ridiculous here. I totally would have laughed had someone told me it would be like this and that I would hear more power tools and projects here than my entire life. There is always, always something going on here and then there are the traffic and planes that are always an issue.

The question is, will it really be any quieter where we move to? I know we can eliminate the planes and get further from the street, plus I don’t see why there would be as much landscaping there, but what about projects, dogs, motorcycles, and boom stereos? That would be great if we weren’t in a flight path and we were further from the street where my sleep wasn’t threatened nearly as much, but I’m not sure it would be that much better if we got a dog barking nonstop on one side of us and someone sawing and hammering away in their garage on the other.

Before I hit the vibration platform, nothing came in from Aly today. I’m going to be pissed if I find out tomorrow that she was told to go home and rest up. In that case, she could have taken 60 seconds to at least let me know she was home and resting even if she didn’t want to get into details. I would be relieved as much as I would be pissed. But yeah, if she tells me this, I’m going to wonder if she wanted me to worry about her and possibly even used this as a tactic to avoid me, although that’s a bit of an extreme and elaborate one, and I don’t see why she would want to avoid me. She should be used to our differences by now.

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Last updated May 29, 2024