Why? in 2020s

Self-destruction. We’re all self-destructive in one way or another. Some people smoke. Some people drink. Some people do drugs. Some people gamble. Some people are into self-harm.

They say that recognizing you have a problem is half your battle. Well, I recognize I have a problem with self-harm. I haven’t been a cutter in decades, but sometimes I find myself punching my arm or something in frustration. I know it sounds utterly batshit crazy and like I’m the least stable person on Earth and a sheer lunatic. The problem is that while I’m aware of what I’m doing, it’s not always easy to stop. I peeled a kiwi, took a bite out of it, and dropped the rest. In frustration, I took a balled-up fist and smashed my left forearm five or six times. It hurt like hell and then I rubbed my arm fiercely to keep it from bruising. It will be sore to the touch for a few days, but nothing should be visible.

Then I sit back and I ask myself why. Really, just why? I look down my nose at people like this and say that I can’t deal with them and I don’t want them to be a part of my life. But in some ways, I’m one of “those” people.

But why? Again, just why? Why can’t I just be frustrated and leave it at that without the ludicrous self-harm? Someday I may go too far, or at least not be able to stop. I certainly don’t do crazy shit every time I get pissed at myself but sometimes I just can’t seem to help myself. I wouldn’t go nuclear on Tom if he dropped something. So why do I do it to myself?

Anyway, I finished editing 2007 and was going through the part where we just moved to Cali, and damn! If we weren’t cursed then we at least certainly seemed to be. Everything that could go wrong for us went wrong. Unemployment was denied, the truck failed emissions, he had to miss work to sell things, the rent deposit from Oregon was denied, we had other issues with the truck, the truck was broken into, Tink died, and then we couldn’t access our own damn money. Sure seemed like something was trying to tell us something. But was it? Or was one bad thing after another that happened to us all one big grand coincidence?

Last updated May 26, 2024