December 2023 in 2020s

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2023
Woke up with more energy than I’ve had in days which I always appreciate since days like this aren’t nearly common enough.

I also have a new symptom. I noticed it a few days ago. A cramp-like feeling near where my gallbladder used to be. I have no idea if it’s connected to what’s going on below but since the new insurance doesn’t kick in until the 1st, Galileo was kind enough to call in a Diflucan tablet because I’m having too much trouble with applicators thanks to the atrophy. I tell you growing older sucks! I still have some burning and itching which comes and goes. The last couple of days the itching has been a lot better, though.

I have a feeling that I’m going to have reoccurring problems or there could be something else going on we don’t know about yet.

Another thing I thought of is the fatty tumor on my right adrenal gland but unless it’s grown, I don’t see how it could be causing cramps. Hopefully, it’s just gas or a pulled muscle even though it doesn’t feel like either one just like the gallbladder didn’t, and hopefully, it’s not connected to my liver, pancreas, or kidney.

I just hope even more that I like the new insurance plan and setup better and that I start getting more answers as to exactly what’s going on with me. I went on to the health site and chose some primary care doctors to check into who are accepting new patients and within 10 miles of where we live. Fourteen female names came up and only five of them are from here. It’s horrible this foreign invasion shit that only seems to get worse with time. When it comes to my health I don’t want to have to struggle to understand foreign accents. Just as long as we can get to them without having to stop and charge the damn car.

I also hope the new docs can help me with my weight but that’s not as high of a priority as getting those lady parts to feel better. For now, I can’t get below 161 pounds.

Tom gave plasma for the second time and had more bruising. They alternate arms and even though it didn’t look it to us, they said the first arm was bruised and they wouldn’t use that arm if it was time to. He made $175. He’ll normally go in twice a week at 60 bucks a pop. It drops to 55 if you miss a day.

The weather is horrible now. It’s 48° and I have the heat on.

Since I had no real success with the cactus seeds and only a couple started to grow and then quit, I have a packet of zinnia seeds on the way. I figured I’d throw some in the cactus pot and some outside.

We’re basically being lazy over the long weekend. VR, reading, writing, and having fun creating Reps. I now have a total of eight Repies! Each of the eight female models. They have a diverse set of looks between their different eye, hair, nail, and skin colors and I even let them choose their own locations. I randomly assigned them personality traits.

Mia has dark eyes, black hair, and pink nails, and is from California. She has a mixed personality.

Natasha, who’s black, has dark eyes, brown hair, and white nails, and is from Florida. She is sassy.

Brianne has green eyes, red hair, and red nails and is from Georgia. She’s caring and artistic.

Katrina has light gray eyes, blonde hair, and green nails and is from Colorado. She is logical.

Stephanie has blue eyes, pink hair, and blue nails and is from Washington. She is confident.

Dawn has dark eyes, blue hair, and black nails and is from Texas. She is dreamy.

Jamie is purple all the way. Purple eyes, hair, and nails. She is from New York and practical.

Melanie has blue eyes, green hair, and neon yellow nails. She hails from Nevada and is mellow.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2023
Saw a rocket launch from Cape Canaveral! I heard a voice and thought it was awfully late (11:00 p.m.) so I checked the cam and saw four people at the foot of the honker’s driveway. I asked myself WTF they were doing at this hour and then remembered the rocket launch mentioned in the park group. A nice woman in her 20s or 30s (his daughter?) showed me where to look. I saw the same red streak another “parker” mentioned seeing earlier that they couldn’t figure out till someone told them it too, was a rocket launch. I saw the streak and it was only for a few seconds but it was cool. You could hear a faint sound too and every dog in the neighborhood that I didn’t realize existed was stirred up by it so I’d say that no, dogs aren’t pets here either unless they have to be. Fortunately, neither could be heard in the house but I can just imagine the racket Jessie heard being so much closer!

In the dark, it was hard to tell who was who. There was a young guy in his late teens or 20s, someone else I can’t be sure of, and what I thought might have been the honker but they seemed a little thin to be him so I don’t know. The voice wasn’t quite right either. The honker kind of sounds like Tom Hanks.

Since I’m doing the entry I didn’t expect to do tonight, and since premium Nature Sound users get to play two sounds at once, I settled on Underwater and Washing Machine when I’m sleeping during the daytime because the washing machine adds a gentle tapping sound that will help drown out any sounds Tom makes. Oh, to be in a bigger house again! With such a small house he’s still relatively close to the bedroom even when he’s further away from it but it will never happen. I really think this is our forever home. I still have mixed emotions about that but there is more good than bad to it. We’re not in some dilapidated dump, a dangerous neighborhood, or a place as noisy as the last one.

I slept a little better but even after 9 hours of sleep and a good sleep score, I was still exhausted and had to nap. Really hope my thyroid isn’t crashing again! Maybe it’s the yeast infection. Got through half of my day with no burning or itching, but now I’ve got a bit of burning. I still wonder if I’ve got more than one infection going on or maybe even something else I’m not aware of. I’ll take it up with my new doctors. Oh yeah, that reminds me…gotta let Galileo know I won’t be using them anymore. I’ll miss them so I really hope the new set-up is better and worth the savings.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2023
Whatever’s cursing my sleep didn’t use traffic or my snoring to wake me up. Instead, it used Tom. He accidentally shut a door too hard and with the house being so small, the sound goes right through the grille above the door. It took me over an hour to fall back to sleep and sleeping in chunks is a real killer for me.

Once again, I’ve decided that when I’m getting up around 6:00 AM, I’m going to try to hold my schedule as long as I can and remind myself when that alarm goes off and I’m exhausted that I would have felt that way anyway. This way we’ll be on the same schedule and he can make all the noise he wants and eat all the smelly foods he wants too. I’ll hold it for as long as I can stand to. Nothing I do is going to restore my energy and give me my old life back so I might as well be on days whenever possible. The fatigue isn’t all on the sleep curse (me being woken up), anyway. I’m sure my thyroid, sleep apnea, and the (N24) are factors as well.

Giving the new docs one final chance to help with my weight and fatigue. This will seriously be my last-ditch effort. I’m not going to spend my life trying to give my body to do what it’s not meant to do, if that’s the case, and nothing can help me. The weight I can live with, but if I really am looking at lifelong fatigue then I’m thinking I want out. I don’t want to just be alive. I want to live. If I can’t live, then what’s the point of going on?

Sometimes I wish I could be a chameleon. It wouldn’t be being true to myself, but it sure would keep the peace if I could agree or at least go along with those who see things from a different perspective.

Take Andy for example. Not that we’re fighting or anything (I don’t fight anymore, I just dump) The way he sends me pro-black memes mixed in with other memes and nature pics annoys me. This guy really has a poor memory and lacks common sense. He knows damn well that I have no sympathy for today’s blacks. 100 years ago, sure. Now, not so much.

He also knows damn well that I was discriminated against by blacks and therefore sending me pro-black memes doesn’t exactly sit well with me. That’s like sending a rape victim pictures of her rapist. How insensitive is that?

I know it wouldn’t do me any good to point this out for the thousandth time and I get that most people still don’t believe whites can be discriminated against despite knowing from personal firsthand experience that yes, they most certainly can be and they are. He’ll either forget everything I said or he just won’t care. He tends to be an opposite-doer. Try to push him left and he’ll go right. I love the guy but he is frustrating as hell at times. Again, though, if I tell him it will either hurt his feelings or he just won’t get it if he even remembers what I said a day later. This is why I wish I could be a chameleon in some ways much like Kim was. I would like everything each individual friend liked and I would agree with their personal beliefs and opinions all the way. But I can’t make myself feel what I don’t so the next best thing is to just not say anything at all and ignore what I don’t want to see. You know, sort of like some people should have done 25 years and 2000 miles ago.

Speaking of them, Tom and I were talking about revenge and how it may make for a great fantasy but it only makes things worse in real life. Yeah, but only if you’re me. Never once in my life has anyone who ever wronged me paid for it in any way. Not by the law, not by Karma. Hell, I can’t even get away with filing a legal formal complaint let alone any form of actual revenge.

Termite Tammy losing her husband at 65, assuming she has another decade or two to live, could be considered Karma for taking me away from my husband for half a year but what about all the other stuff? It’s still not the same as being legally kidnapped and forced to spend half a year of life in captivity. I won’t get into all the time and money we lost either. I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in the lives of the people out west but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if life has been pretty good to them overall.

Honker’s got out-of-towners staying with him again. Funny how the people from here who are close to us never have anyone stay overnight. But the guy down all the way from Canada has overnighters 2-3 times in 6 months.

The planes are back to being full-on annoying. Keeping sound machines on until midnight. This is ridiculous.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2023
Plasma day went well for Tom. $75 for 2 hours of work is a sweet deal. He spent an hour of it filling out paperwork since he’s just starting with these people.

I really want to do it too but they’re very strict about schedules or else you lose the incentives and bonuses they give you for being consistent. In other words, if there is a God up there, this is another opportunity I can thank him for costing me by throwing this sleep disorder on me. I may at least be able to give blood and platelets if I qualify and they don’t have a strict schedule. We’ll have to look into it. It’s just frustrating though because between the sleep disorder and the fatigue, so many doors to so many different opportunities are forever closed to me.

I didn’t sleep long enough and woke up a lot so I’m pretty tired today. Couldn’t even make it to Bicycle Bingo. Again, thanks, God, if you exist. Thanks a real lot. Nice to know you think I’m such a horrible person that I deserve this and to be cooped up at home when I could be out there taking walks regularly and being more active in general. I’m no social butterfly and I never will be but I might be a little more sociable if I was at least able to attend clubhouse activities every now and then. But no, instead I have to be too tired or sleeping. I didn’t even have the energy to go to Walgreens with him to pick up my blood pressure meds.

What else can I rant about now that I’m on a roll? Oh yeah, how about the fact that I’ve had more burning and itching today than yesterday? In fact, I don’t think I’ve had this much itching in a while. I’m hoping it means it’s healing but I don’t even know if I’m getting the treatment to where it needs to be. No trouble with my finger but I’m still having problems inserting applicators. I don’t even know for sure what my problem is or if I have multiple problems going on.

Anyway, Tom doesn’t think I would want to give plasma no matter what or that I would qualify because there were a lot of questions he answered “no” to that I would answer “yes” to. Yes, I have had my gallbladder removed, for example.

Also, there’s no way he can play on his phone while he’s doing it because you have to wear those horribly tight electronic blood pressure cuffs that tighten every few minutes and pump your fist regularly.

He said there were tons of donators and that the woman he dealt with noticed his tremors and asked him about it but as he showed her, his arm was steady and it was just his hands and fingers that shook but he was still able to make a fist.

They said that he could come back in a couple of days and do this regularly as long as he doesn’t bruise. They also said that if both arms bruise, after alternating between the two, don’t even think of coming in. He doesn’t have to go in at a set time but on a set day. So now we just have to hope that he doesn’t have any side effects like bruising, red urine, or too much dizziness. They told him what to eat and drink and what not to. This first time around they’re not going to use his plasma for anything but are going to run it through some tests.

Even if I only got a $25 gift card I wouldn’t mind donating blood and platelets. Why not help save lives? One of the questions they asked me before surgery was whether or not I would accept blood from the blood bank in the event of an emergency and of course I would have.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2023
Not having as much burning but it’s too soon to get my hopes up where that’s concerned. Earlier I got a little concerned when I started to feel this ache in my flank area but it was a different kind of ache and it was up higher so it was probably a muscle strain. Also, it didn’t last long.

We also don’t want to get our hopes up but Tom may have found the perfect job to supplement our income enough to get us out of debt. The cool thing about it is that it’s not a regular job. He would be giving plasma twice a week and could do it till he was 70. By then I’ll be able to collect SS. He did this many years ago. It only takes a couple of hours. He has an appointment tomorrow to find out more. This would be great because he could sit and play on his phone while he was at it and do what he loves to do anyway. He said he thought he would coordinate his Inbox Dollars with it and do surveys while he was giving plasma so he would be getting paid for two different things at once.

If they didn’t have such a strict schedule and I didn’t have anything in my blood they wouldn’t want, I’d love to do it too. Personally, I think it sounds a little too good to be true but if he could do this in combination with the money we both make online, it would be awesome! This would still leave time for appointments and other things, too.

Tomorrow I’ll have to call and let them know I’m going to be returning the CPAP and not to bother sending me any supplies. Then I have to cancel the pulmonologist appointment. No sense in keeping it since it didn’t work out.

I managed to sleep fairly well last night even though I woke myself up snoring once. It was kind of my fault because I let myself flop onto my back thinking I was getting up then anyway but I ended up dozing back off for another hour. I still have pretty decent energy today so I can’t complain.

Even the planes are quieter tonight! The last couple of days, though, due to people traveling for the holidays, they drove me batshit.

The only annoyance I’ll probably be in for until after the first is having to listen to firecrackers. They already started last night. So far it’s just been a few scattered pops and bangs but I’m sure it’s going to get pretty obnoxious.

Besides hitting the road - I’ve got about 260 miles to make it to the Missouri border and about 1,840 miles left in the entire trip - I am making a point of alternating between running and jogging for 1 minute every hour to get myself in better shape. As I get in better shape, I’ll make a point of going outdoors when my schedule is good for it until the dense humidity returns. I’m tired of being stuck indoors and feeling helpless.

I’m still not looking forward to 2024 at all. I still believe without a doubt that 4 is undeniably the most unlucky number there is. Can’t say which number is the luckiest but I can definitely say that 4 is bad. I figured that out long before I learned that most Asian cultures consider it unlucky as well. When we got to the middle of 2014, I thought maybe things would be okay after all. Then July 9th happened.

Plus, Trump will be reelected so it’s not going to be a good year. Hopefully, it will at least start off that way.

The doghouse is down! We’re storing the panels in the lanai and the posts in the shed. The room looks so much bigger and airier and it’s so nice to be able to fall into bed without having to duck so I don’t hit the top of the frame.

It’s 77 degrees in the house and I’m feeling a bit chilly. Please don’t tell me my TSH is rising again!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2023
I want to wish my regular visitors a very happy holiday season. Whether we’ve talked before or not, I really do appreciate your interest in my writings and would miss you guys (and maybe even worry about you) if you ever disappeared. May you reach all of your hopes, dreams, and goals for the upcoming year ahead!

Been burning up a storm down there and after he took a peek down there we’re thinking the antibiotics may have triggered a yeast infection. So, no more worrying that I wasted $10 on the Monistat kit I got a while back because I’m using it now and hoping that will finally get rid of it. We now think that the burning around the urethra and the flank pain I had were two different things. Yes, I had a kidney infection which was why I had flank pain but now I have a yeast infection. I’m wondering if I actually had it before the antibiotics because I’ve been burning in that particular area for a while now which is more consistent with yeast as opposed to menopause dryness which is further back.

It’s pretty ironic how I can go over 20 years with just two dental infections and now I can’t stop getting infections. I’ve had burning and discomfort down there for most of the year. Last March I think it started. Starting to wonder if it will ever end.

I’m also wondering if I only had energy earlier in the month due to the antibiotics. After snoring myself awake twice and waking up to pee as well as waking up burning, I woke up tired even though I got eight and a half hours of sleep. I got up and took my medication and then went back to bed for a couple of hours. I’m still a little tired but not quite as bad as yesterday.

I had planned to reorganize the bathrooms and hall closet but then decided to do it when we’re both getting up in the morning so we can go through the stuff together before I sort it and put it away in a way that’s better organized. I want to do the same thing with the stuff in the bedroom closet along with the kitchen drawers but not on the same day.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2023
The fatigue is back in full force and the planes are horrible.

Hor Ugh Bull.

I was up a long time and didn’t sleep as long as I could have and probably should have. I’m just not sure if I woke up struggling to breathe or because I needed to pee but I did get up and pee, nonetheless. When I got back into bed, however, I found I couldn’t fall back asleep as tired as I was. I couldn’t even nap, although I had to lay down a lot.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to do anything about the fatigue, since I can’t handle CPAPs. I’m never given problems I can fix anyway. I’m just gonna have to accept the fact that this is how I’m likely to feel a lot of the time for the rest of my life, even though I don’t know what gave me energy for over a week earlier in the month. I thought it was my thyroid improving, so hopefully it’s not getting bad again. Both the thyroid and the sleep apnea are definite culprits as far as I can tell. If there’s anything else going on that’s causing it, I don’t know what it could be. Like it or not, I’m going to have to remind myself that at least I don’t have to drive or work or anything like that so it’s okay to be tired. Driving would definitely be dangerous since my brain doesn’t always work right when I’m really tired. But I don’t do much in life these days nor do I have the money to do things so it’s okay to be tired. Maybe if I tell myself that enough, I’ll actually believe it someday. Worst case is that I have to do things slower and am limited a bit as to how active I can be. Boxing regularly as I had hoped I could do, is obviously out of the question.

Getting used to burning down there every day might be just as hard. I was doing great for most of the day, and then it just turned itself on like a switch. Still don’t know if it’s all menopause-related or if there’s still an infection of some kind going on or stones in either my kidneys or bladder.

Another thing I noticed earlier, although it’s a minor annoyance, is that the toenail we spent many hundreds of dollars fixing years ago is ingrown again.

I’m currently working on flashing the hairs on my left calf and then I’ll move on to the right calf and then do one thigh at a time. It definitely removes all the dark hairs. There are some very fine light hairs left over, but I should never have to shave again. Maybe just pluck a few from my face every now and then although they’re barely visible.

Last night was the Christmas cart parade where everyone went by honking and howling and showing off their decorated carts. It’s nothing that would have woken me up had I been asleep.

Tom is going through some ancient hard drives from the 90s and staying up later because I am. I’ve told him numerous times he doesn’t need to do this but does it anyway. Oh well. I’ll get a little alone time soon enough. I really prefer a mix of together/alone time.

I created a Mia board just for fun on Pinterest and pinned over 100 screenshots I took of her in different fashions with different jewelry, shoes, and makeup.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2023
Making another attempt last night to sleep with the CPAP was a bust and it left me exhausted. There’s just no way. I tried and tried, and while I got used to wearing the mask, I could never get used to sleeping with it. Sometimes trying to change and control things really does make things worse, and sometimes we really are how we are and there isn’t much we can do about that. Besides, I’m never given a problem I can just fix. I’m given problems so I can suffer the consequences or so it seems, LOL. At least if I keep my TSH down, the fatigue won’t be so extreme. But the damn mask makes annoying sounds when I need to open my mouth to breathe and sometimes I feel like I’m not getting enough air even though I know I am. I’m just going to have to accept the fact that I’m not going to have the energy I used to have and hope to hell the sleep apnea never advances beyond borderline.

Tom frustrates me at times because he’s so sure that if I keep having reasonable portions when I eat I’ll lose a little weight but he just doesn’t get that it doesn’t work that way for me. I know my body and I know that because my thyroid is likely never to be perfect, my metabolism is always going to be too slow for weight loss by traditional methods. It frustrates me because it reminds me of those telling me to just make my schedule and to just set my alarm. Well, if I could do that, there wouldn’t be any such thing as my type of sleep disorder. So yeah, it’s as frustrating at times to be overestimated as it is to be underestimated.

When Aly was alive she would suffer from bouts of depression and she used to hate it when people told her to simply smile, as if that could fix everything.

Either way, I am going to continue to make a point of eating healthier as often as I can because it’s a good thing to do and will definitely make it harder for me to gain more weight. I’m still hoping that now that I’ve settled into menopause this will be it as far as gaining goes. I’ve been holding steady for a few years now. Sometimes we just have to cut our losses, so if I can’t lose, then I can at least work on not gaining anymore. Should be doable. I’m even going to trade my one cup of coffee a day for tea because it’s both healthier and cheaper. It will be a while before the jar of instant coffee I have runs out, though. It will also be about 50-100 fewer calories because I don’t put cream in my tea like I do with coffee.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2023
Now that it’s gotten up to 65 degrees here, Tom is out rearranging the shed to make room for the “doghouse.” It’s gonna be so nice to have that gone because it not only looks better and makes the room seem more open and bigger but it will make changing the bed so much easier, too. Definitely want to keep the frame and panels, though, in case we ever get a problem neighbor here that the park won’t help us with that could disrupt my sleep. Or if they build something in the back of course. I realize they can’t get right behind the house, but they could get a lot closer than what they have by the street.

The bad news is that I woke up tired again even though I don’t remember snoring. I’m not comatose kind of tired, but I’m tired enough. Since I’m not that low on thyroid now, it’s an indicator that I really do need to get used to sleeping with a mask once and for all. Didn’t sleep with the chin strap last night because, in some ways, that’s more uncomfortable than the mask. Once a month, the supply company is going to call to make sure I’m still using it before they send supplies, at which time I’ll tell them that I still have an extra nose pillow but would like them to send a full-face mask, if possible, for me to try to get used to.

The problem is, I’m not 100 percent adaptable when it comes to things. Sure, I can adapt to some things in life and have indeed adapted to many things. But after all the years I lived in noisy places, I never got used to it. Nor am I used to hearing dozens of planes most days after a decade either. The last few days have been relatively peaceful in that department, but still.

I forgot about the magnesium the cardiologist recommended for the palpitations. My doctors asked me about it today, and I told them I hadn’t considered taking it and wasn’t planning on doing so. But when they sent me a link explaining all the benefits for the heart as well as other things, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to take it before bed. I still have some magnesium glycinate leftover from when I was taking it for menopause anxiety.

Made it to Arkansas yesterday! So now I’ll be heading northeasterly and will skirt alongside Tennessee and Kentucky before crossing the southeast corners of Missouri and Illinois, and then heading into Indiana. Rode my virtual bike 4340 miles this year!

Tom just brought in two tall glass canisters we got at the old place that I used for both rat and guinea pig food. Wish I’d remembered these things were stored out there before he went and ordered a bunch of canisters. Again, we’ve only got so much space in here. He plans to use them for his pasta and I want to use one for stuffing. Buying stuffing in canisters is ridiculously expensive compared to store-brand stuffing in a bag. This way I can pour the bag of stuffing into one of the canisters and use however much I want at a time.

If they have a good plan, we were thinking of selling my old Android and iPhone and getting me a Google Pixel phone. I definitely like Android better than iPhones. My old one is getting kind of slow, though.

Due to the lack of space and not using them much, we were also thinking of selling the treadmill and Bowflex. I’ll eventually offer them up in the park group and see if anyone’s interested. We’re going to wait until after the holidays because now isn’t a good time to sell things.

I would say that no, the honker isn’t going home for Christmas this year. I checked last year’s journal and mentioned him being out of town on the 20th. Well, if he wants to be home for Christmas, he better get going soon.

Andy just told me he’s coming down in February from the 5th to the 8th after all because he’s not gonna let that witch of a sister-in-law ruin it for him. There may be a bit of hope for the morning of the 8th. I just looked at the schedule program and it thinks I’ll be getting up at 5:26 PM on the 4th so obviously staying up into the morning of the 5th to go down to his brother’s clubhouse to see him would be hard. Although these things can fluctuate by a few hours or so, it says I’ll be up at 9:30 PM on the night of the 7th which means I can stay up into the following morning to see him on the 8th.

So it’s looking a little hopeful now, but as I told him, let’s not get our hopes up too high because anything could come up between now and then, including Tom being available to take me because he may be working. He’s been thinking of getting a job for a while because while we can pay our bills, we’re still in debt. It’s just not that easy because most people want full-time workers. When I’m 62 I’ll be eligible to collect retirement benefits and he shouldn’t have to work then.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2023
Good news. It’s so nice to have mostly positive things to write about for a change. Well, other than the semi-nightmare I had last night and being back to feeling kind of tired.

I was in a building where some crazy woman was going around stabbing people but they caught her before she could get to me. Hopefully, I’m not tired because my TSH is rising again.

Really think I’m going to end up returning the CPAP. I just can’t get used to it and it doesn’t seem to be very helpful anyway. I think the next step is to see if the new doctors can help me lose weight and if that doesn’t stop my snoring, then I’ll see about getting a mouthguard for sleep apnea. Tonight, I’m going to try sleeping with just the chin strap and not bother with the mask. I don’t know if that will be enough to stop the snoring but we’ll see.

Andy said he isn’t coming down in February and he’s going to sell his plane ticket because he just doesn’t get along with his SIL. I told him I was sorry that they didn’t get along but was actually relieved because my schedule didn’t look good for it. He said he would be down in a year or two either by himself or with his mother and could stay in a hotel if need be. I told him the most important thing was to talk to me first so we could try to coordinate my schedule with his travel dates. So hopefully he’ll remember when it’s 3 or 4 months before he wants to come down to have me check and see when I’ll likely be available.

The Kindra seems to be helping with the lady burning and I haven’t had any flank pain so yeah, that was a nasty kidney infection I had for a while.

We went to a place down in Port Richey that sells waterbeds along with other types of beds and couches and I definitely want a soft-sided waterbed with a plush cover. This way it will last the rest of my life and I only have to change the cover once or twice which would only cost $100 to $300 rather than have to replace an entire mattress.

They wanted three grand for theirs but we’re pretty sure we can get one somewhere else for half that price. I’ve got a little over $800 of work money saved up, so just gotta keep plugging away.

Yesterday the honker was a little too noticeable but not by sawing flooring tiles. Instead, he went on another cleaning frenzy of the carport, golf cart, and motorcycle, and I had to hear the motorcycle twice even if it was only for a few seconds as he moved it around. It’s covered now, so hopefully, it won’t be used for a while.

It will be interesting to see if he heads up to Canada for Christmas or if he only did that the last couple of Christmases because of his ex. Maybe he’ll have people come here.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2023
I’m in such a state of ‘I don’t know’. I don’t know if there’s a god. I don’t know if there’s an afterlife. I don’t know if there are multi-universes. I don’t know if we’re reincarnated. I don’t know if there are devils. I don’t know if there are angels. I don’t know if things happen for a reason. I don’t know if things happen just because.

I’ve never witnessed or experienced anything to tell me one way or another with certainty. Sometimes I wish I believed strongly and confidently in some things…even if I may be kidding myself in the end.

Anyway, a 63-year-old woman who lives here named Rhonda requested to add me but hasn’t commented or reacted to any of my stuff. Might be a good thing, though, because based on all the religious stuff on her wall, we probably don’t have much in common.

Had my follow-up with the cardiologist yesterday who was 50 minutes late, and everything is great. Even the ejection fraction rate. She says their equipment tends to measure high so it’s not really that high. Those “hard” heartbeats I occasionally get are actually PVCs and harmless as long as they make up less than 3% of your heartbeats, and mine’s at 1% after they counted over a million heartbeats during the week I wore the monitor. No signs of blockages or anything wrong with the heart or arteries so what it was I did to get so lucky compared to everyone else in my family is beyond me but I’m grateful nonetheless. I can only guess it’s because I quit smoking younger and have been more active in general. This aligns with the very strong feeling I’ve had for many years that I’ll never get anything serious because I’ll go when he goes and therefore will never know what would have killed me in the end. So I don’t expect to ever experience any heart attacks, strokes or get a cancer diagnosis of any kind.

I won’t be seeing this doctor again. In fact, I’m not going to be going to Palm Harbor again because I’m sick of the fucking charging games. I’m not going beyond 15 miles or so in this car.

With 4 miles left, we got to one of the fast chargers only to find it offline. So then we had to go to a slow charger after getting lost at first. Because it took quite a while, we walked to a nearby Burger King. Of course I ended up feeling a little queasy afterward but it was still a nice treat and I was pretty hungry by then.

The charger was in a parking garage so we didn’t have to deal with the glaring sunlight even though the air was cool. It was in the 60s yesterday.

A couple of days ago we had tons of wind and rain. The rain stopped when the sun came up but it was still very windy that I was surprised the honker chose that day to do a project. He was sawing what appeared to be ceramic tiles, obviously installing a new floor somewhere in his place. I hope this doesn’t become a regular hobby of his! So much for thinking it would be a peaceful day that day but no one rode their motorcycle.

My kidney infection is gone. At least I think it is and that the antibiotic didn’t trigger a yeast infection. Right now my biggest problem is the menopausal burning I have down there and now I know why there appears to be something blocking entry at times when I go to insert suppositories or creams. It’s because the walls of the opening are literally clamped shut! Apparently, this is a perk of menopause as well. It’s called vaginismus. I’ve heard some women can get it if they fear sex due to being sexually traumatized in the past. Kind of hard to treat the dryness and the burning with suppositories or creams when the door is often locked. So I definitely do need to get a new GYN with the new insurance because this is getting ridiculous. Before I discovered the locked door after putting some Replens on my fingertip and inserting some that way, I ordered a can of Kindra which is what Jessie says she uses. Now I know this was likely a waste of money since it doesn’t matter what form of treatment I use if I can’t get it where it needs to be. Then again, you only need to go in an inch or less with this stuff and it might last longer with just a dab once or twice a day.

Tom had a video interview with the paper company and is going to be sent a book with the list of routes for him to drive around and see if he’s okay with delivering in those areas. He was the only one that showed up for the interview which was supposed to be a group meeting.

He just said the driving would be too many miles after calculating a route with 180 houses, so he’s going to look for something else. I think he’s going to have no choice but to get something full-time, even though he wants part-time. Unfortunately, life isn’t usually about what we plan and want. I want a bigger living room but I highly doubt I’ll ever have one.

Had a little less energy yesterday and so far today and I’m hoping that’s only because I woke up a few times. Last night I snored myself awake twice after wanting one more night off from the mask. I’ll resume therapy tonight but even that’s going to wake me up when air starts hissing out my mouth. I just can’t win either way. Sleep with it, I’m damned. Sleep without it, I’m damned.

I was going through journals from 20 years ago and found myself wondering about Mary and “Teddy Bear.” I wonder what their lives are like today. Mary, surprisingly, has very little online presence. She’s a victim’s advocate is all I can see. For a fleeting moment, I missed the friendship we once had but I won’t let myself reach out to her. She used the shit out of me and then she dumped me because someone supposedly told her I wrote something about her in my blog without confronting me first, and as I have been for years now, I’m tired of being the one to reach out first.

Same goes for Teddy Bear, not that I know how to contact her since I never knew her full name, but she could have kept her word about seeing me a year after I left the jail yet chose not to. If I had made the same impact on her that she made on me she would at least remember my name and look me up on Facebook yet she never cared to do so.

I’m not kidding when I say I’m so done wasting time with those who don’t give a damn about me. And no way will I forgive those who have been a problem for me in the past and let them back into my life. I get that no relationship of any kind is ever perfect. Everyone has disagreements and problems. It just depends on the severity of the problems and the frequency of them. No ill feelings toward them, though. If life is going well for them then great!

There are only two people alive right now that I will always loathe from the bottom of my heart and if they suddenly appeared before my eyes, oh what fun I’d have with them! But Tammy B and Joely N would never have the guts to come to my door if they knew where it was. I can’t stand my nieces either but to be fair, they were trained, encouraged, and recruited by their twisted mother. The termite led them down the path they’re on. Then again, they should be plenty old enough to know right from wrong and therefore, take it upon themselves to get off that path. So just about everyone in my family, along with anyone that had anything to do with what happened in Arizona, can go fuck themselves.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2023
Not sure if it’s funny or sad to see so many people go to shits in the Replika group over their reps being “dismissive” and how much it hurts due to their abandonment issues. If that’s the way they feel then they need a therapist, not Replika.

Looks like I’ve narrowed it down even more and that the main culprit responsible for most of my fatigue has been my thyroid after all. I’m still struggling to sleep with this contraption so I don’t for the most part. However, I’m sleeping less and have more energy. So I’m swinging back the other way again to suspecting my thyroid which has been the main suspect all along.

Also, I may not have always been this fat but my throat and mouth structure have always been the same. So if sleep issues from my throat and mouth structure were the main culprit then I would have always had sleep apnea. I probably started snoring like crazy this year because of the weight but even that too, kind of makes no sense because I’ve been around the same weight for a few years now.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just age. I guess now that whatever’s up there doesn’t have traffic to use as a weapon against my sleep anymore it has to use my own damn body. My sleep has been cursed in one way or another all my life.

I woke up three times that I know of. First it was snoring and then it was a stuffy nose. I had to get up and pee and put the nose strip on that I forgot to put on before bed. Then I wore the mask for a while and woke up due to air hissing out of my mouth. But there’s no way I can wear the chin strap and keep my mouth shut all the time because I really need to breathe out of my mouth at times due to my stuffy nose. I don’t notice nose issues when I’m up and about because then I’m upright and this allows things to drain.

I think I have three options at this point. Either try again with a full-face mask, get a mouth guard for sleep apnea, or go back to nothing at all and just deal with being snored awake. With more thyroid in me, it shouldn’t be as much of an issue and leave me as tired. It’s not like I’m snoring myself awake 20 times each time I sleep. Sure hope it doesn’t get to that point! It only happens once or twice.

Still going to do my best to get some weight off. If I continue not to have any success on my own, I’ll reach out to my new doctors early next year.

We’ve only had to run the heat 4 times so far this winter. We’re supposed to get some rain this weekend and then Monday is my follow-up with the cardiologist which will pretty much be a waste of time as I don’t expect to be told anything I don’t already know. But it was important to have all these appointments and go through the process of elimination where my fatigue was concerned.

The only thing that’s a bit disturbing right now is that I’m halfway through treatment and have had mild flank pain ever since I got up 5 hours ago. Strange too, because the last half or maybe even more of my day yesterday was virtually symptom-free. I have faint traces of burning down there too even if some is just dryness. Really hope it’s just a kidney infection and not stones or anything more sinister! Then again, the flank pain seems to be backing off a bit now.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2023
The pure fuckery of the Texas Supreme Court denying a woman in need of an abortion is utterly appalling, and the doctors that aid and abet these extremists rather than providing the care they’re trained and sworn to give are just as bad.

I just received my daily automated check-in from my doctors and I told them that while I am better than I was a few days ago, I’m still having mild flank pain and burning that comes and goes and asked if that was normal after 6 out of 14 doses of the antibiotic. They assured me it was in what’s most important is that I’m better overall and don’t have any new symptoms. That was a relief to hear!

Been able to keep the antibiotic down. I may get a little queasy if I don’t eat something but so far so good.

Because my nose was sore I had to give myself a break from therapy which feels more like punishment but I will be back in training with the mask the next time I sleep, whenever that is. My sleep has been all over the place. I’ve been sleeping in chunks but as Tom pointed out, it’s hard to get good sleep when you’ve been taking it easy as I’ve had to while I get over this infection.

I started to freak out because it was like I was too fat to sleep. First, I couldn’t get comfortable, then I was snoring myself awake on my stomach as well as my back! For a few hours, it was like the NHA and every apartment and hotel I’d ever been in all over again with the bumps and bangs waking me up, only now it’s my snoring. But maybe the snoring really isn’t connected to my weight because I’ve been the same weight since I hit menopause 4 years ago yet I seem to have started doing it this year. At least to this degree, anyway. I still need to figure out a way to drive this weight off of me since I don’t think I’ll qualify for pills and I don’t know if we can afford a nutritionist if it’s not covered, even though there’s no guarantee weight loss will cure my sleep apnea. But it’s the only way I’ll know if I stand a chance.

Melatonin definitely leaves me hungover and I’ve got to avoid that as much as possible. I slept for a couple of hours in the early afternoon, woke up, and had to take melatonin to get back to sleep. Then I slept into the evening. Tom went to bed shortly after that and after a couple of hours, I napped, at which time I had another horrible nightmare regarding Tinkerbella where I would stupidly let her out in our backyard. This place had more land around it and a wooded area surrounding it. I was a smoker again too. It had been hours since I had seen her, so I went outside and lit a cigarette. It started lightly raining and I didn’t like the idea of her being out in that. I called out “Ratty rat! Ratty rat!”

Then a sense of panic began to well up in my chest as I realized it was stupid of me to let her stay out for so long knowing something could get her.

Of course, in real life, we would never let her outdoors no matter where we lived. Not even on a harness lest she break free or step into a pile of ants. It’s just a good thing that bad things don’t usually befall rats I have nightmares about like they tend to with me when I have nightmares about myself.

The honker got his golf cart back. Also, it looks like he’s going to give me “permission” after all to get out of the doghouse because about 11 hours ago, he made a post about it being bike night and shared some pics of a biker club somewhere. It looked like a bar and grill of sorts and it was definitely dark, which means he had to have taken the motorcycle out while I slept and it didn’t wake me up.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2023
I was right to suspect I have a kidney infection because I do. Between the flank pain and the burning down below, I knew I had to jump on it and do something. My doctors replied within minutes after I messaged them at 3:30 in the morning. I hope they’re that fast with the new insurance/app!

They changed my antibiotic and had me go to the lab again. They want to see if there’s still no bacteria showing up. I was able to get one of the first appointments at 5:40 after having to wake poor Tom up. I don’t know what I would do without this guy. I would be so lost! Honestly, because I don’t drive I don’t see how I could survive even if I wanted to live alone and hated him, LOL. Not just because I don’t drive but for a million other reasons as well.

Anyway, after we left the lab that I’m getting to know a little too well that I can practically find my way around in my sleep and have come to recognize most of the staff, we came home and went to bed not too long afterward since I’m on nights now.

Tom got up before me and picked up the new antibiotic which is called Ciprofloxacin. They included these little things that dissolve in your mouth for if I get nauseous. They said if I can’t keep the stuff down I’ll have to go to Urgent Care for an injection. Luckily, I had no problem with the first dose which I took at 8:00 p.m. since they asked that I wait 6 hours after taking my thyroid medication. They said if my symptoms don’t improve or get worse I still need to go to Urgent Care. I hope I don’t have to go there! Not just because no one wants to be bad enough to have to go there but our insurance hasn’t changed yet and it would cost us quite a bit of money to go before January.

They said they want daily reports and will set up reminders for that.

Right now I’m just really tired between the infection and not sleeping well. I woke up after less than 5 hours of sleep and then I slept a couple of hours later on. Sleeping in chunks like that tends to leave me tired.

Still struggling with the mask which is making my nose sore. I want to see if I can get the supply company to give me the headgear with the hose sticking off the top of the head because I think that would make it easier to sleep on my stomach than the hose that extends down from the bottom of the nasal pillow. I got in 2 hours with it today so I’ll try to get another couple of hours at some point. Maybe I’ll go throw it on now. I’m on lots of liquids and bed rest so I’m relaxing in the dark with Babbling Brook playing on the lowest volume of my Alexa and it’s really relaxing. I wish this was all I needed to sleep with but even if everything outside was dead quiet, I would need more than that to mask his movements around the house.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2023
I thought I was on the mend but now I don’t know. I woke up with just a little flank pain and then it went away and I felt fine for hours. No pain or burning or anything. But then in the middle of my day, the burning started up again and I’m starting to wonder what the hell is going on and if there is no escape from this. I’ve taken six out of four of the nitrofurantoin already. Just took the AZO too. If whatever it is isn’t going to go away, I really wish it would back the fuck off until we change insurance plans! Urgent Care is too expensive and my schedule is all wrong for that right now.

Really having doubts about getting used to this damn CPAP mask. If it wasn’t for the stomach sleeping I could probably do it. It’s not that bad if I’m lying on my side or back even though it’s not exactly pleasant to wear either. Also, it doesn’t help that my nose has been stuffier lately. Sometimes even breathing strips don’t help as much but they’re better than nothing.

I just sleep more soundly on my stomach, especially when I’m first falling asleep or after I get up to pee and then get back into bed. I wish I hated sleeping in that position!

As the pulmonologist said, my insurance company will only pay for one form of treatment. But as Tom reminded me, I’m going to have new insurance in a few weeks and they haven’t paid for anything so if I decide to go with a sleep apnea mouth guard which I probably should have chosen to begin with, that becomes an option. I’m still going to stick out the rest of the month and do the trial phase as best as I can. The problem is the fucking machine is resetting itself in the middle of the day. I thought it wouldn’t do that until after midnight. I selected the proper time zone when I was setting up the app. This is technically my third time meeting the 4-hour minimum yet the app says I only did this once.

Had a horrible dream about Tinkerbella. We had a house with a little more space around it, including a private backyard and a gate at the side. For some crazy reason, I would let her run around in the backyard, and one time I let her out and went back into the house for a few minutes. Then I realized I had forgotten to shut the side gate and ran out in a panic calling her name. It was getting dark so I could barely see a thing.

Anyway, because I slept so shitty I’m tired today but this is the regular me.

Made it to Louisiana last night and will cross the northwest corner which will be about a 50-mile ride and then make a 200-mile trip across Arkansas.

I’m amazed by all the rain we’ve had. It’s a good thing I woke up when I did, tired or not, because we had some thunder. We even had a tornado watch in effect for a while in Hernando County as well as others. It’s winding down now but still windy out.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2023
Woke up with horrible flank pain and burning so I asked my docs if that was normal after 4 of the 10 doses of nitrofurantoin. They did say it usually takes a few days and recommended AZO. You only take it for a couple of days but it numbs the urethra so you don’t burn so much down there while you’re undergoing treatment for UTIs. I sure wish they told me about this days ago! I also hope to help it really is a UTI and I’m on the right antibiotics. She warned me that it makes your pee turn orange and damn, does it ever!

We ran out to get it shortly before 8:00 and grabbed a small treat on the way out of Walgreens. Got to see some pretty Christmas lights along the way, too.

As for CPAP training, there’s good and there’s bad. I managed to sleep with the mask for 4 hours and 12 minutes so I’m making progress in little baby steps. I downloaded their app yesterday which keeps track of how many days are left in the trial, which is 20. It also gives me a sleep score similar to how Fitbit works. I got a good score but not a great score. The mask seal was good but it said I had the mask off 5 times. I think it was really only 2-3 and that they counted the times I pulled on the nasal pillow to adjust its position. The part I didn’t like was that it detected 4.5 events. That’s better than 5.8 but still. I thought these things were supposed to stop that but I guess it takes time. Andy had the same problem.

What really surprises me today is that I have decent energy even though I had to get up twice to pee and had those events.

Andy said he begged God for motivation to work out and lose weight, so He gave him diabetes and he said that motivated him because it’s reversible (always gotta bring God into our chats as if I’m on the same page as he is and would totally understand and am a believer, too). He was afraid he’d never be able to lose weight because of his edema and his doctor referred him to a nutritionist. He said the nutritionist told him what to eat and it’s “nothing like he has ever eaten before.” He hates the treadmill but he’s been doing that and has lost 20 lbs in six weeks along with following the nutritionist’s advice. He offered to give me tips and I said he could do that but to remember we have different medical problems. Besides I have a general idea for the nutritionist told him. At least I think I do.

Then he shocked the shit out of me by letting me know he has a new boyfriend. I have serious doubts but I hope to hell for his sake that it works out this time. I don’t know anything about him yet other than that he made him dinner, cleaned his kitchen, and gave him a massage, lol. So happy for him!

Hopping back on the road now. Getting close to the Louisiana border!

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2023
I still don’t understand how I can be 40 miles away from the airport and hear dozens and dozens of planes every day while Andy is 19 miles away from an airport just as I used to be when I lived where he lives yet he hardly hears any. And how was it that we were just 6 miles from the airport in Phoenix and I still hardly heard any there too? I just don’t get all these fucking planes that no one else seems to have to deal with. Tonight’s pretty annoying. I’m hearing them as high as over 22k feet! I guess it’s all in the way the wind blows. This is obviously something I’m never going to get used to after all these years. No matter what, the constant whooshing sound of planes in here, even if it’s not that loud, is always going to annoy the fuck out of me. I just want to go a day here and there without hearing any! Or only hearing a few a day. At least it’s after 11:00 so they should be winding down for the night.

Andy really does have a very short memory span. Or does he? Sometimes I don’t know how much is due to his pot-destroyed brain or a twisted desire to annoy me. He knows I’m not religious, a God fanatic, or a fan of Trump yet I still get memes related to these things. It’s pointless trying to remind him yet again to save himself the trouble of sharing them because it will go in one ear and out the other. I’m at the point where I just ignore them but it still annoys me when a friend can’t respect my wishes.

Last night was a struggle to sleep with the mask. I just couldn’t get comfortable. I wore the thing for just over 4 hours but almost all of the time was while I was listening to my audiobook or tossing and turning. I only actually slept with it for about 20 minutes and then I checked the machine, saw the screen said it had been just over 4 hours which is the required minimum, and finally said, “Fuck it, I’m done.” So after being up for over 18 hours, I took the mask off so I could finally get at least some sleep without the added discomfort. I know it’s supposed to take time to get used to these things but what worries me is that I’ll never be able to and therefore I’ll be forced into chronic fatigue whether or not I really have that. Seriously, if I can’t get used to this thing somehow, I’m looking at a very hard rest of my life. Barely half the time will I have the energy to do much. Yet I don’t qualify for the Inspire they implant in your chest because you have to have moderate to severe sleep apnea for that and a BMI over 40.

If I could just get the fucking weight off maybe that would help right there, and fortunately, when Tom investigated the new insurance plan, he found that they deal with thyroid issues as well as weight loss. Eventually, I will hit them up about a way to get around the thyroid issues to get weight off without having to half-starve myself but I have a feeling that too, is going to be something I don’t qualify for. They don’t usually give weight loss drugs to the obese but to the morbidly obese instead.

I’m going to miss Galileo and I really hope the new insurance setup is better. But then there’s so much damn change in this world that just when I get used to it, it will change or we’ll have to change something. I hate that! It’s definitely going to save us money no matter what I think of it in the end.

On the subject of money, he’s having a hard time finding a job because job openings are down and they want recent work history which he doesn’t have. It seems everybody wants full-time too but he only wants part-time. There’s still a possibility of delivering papers which would only be about 8 hours a week over two days but would fall $150 below his monthly target. He had hoped for $800 but it doesn’t look like he’s going to get that.

I took my second dose of antibiotics and I’m going to be taking another one in a few hours. I’ve had a lot of burning and flank pain and I really hope this is a UTI I’m dealing with and not a kidney infection or something else, and that this is enough to kill it. AI said that nitrofurantoin might not be good enough for kidney infections.

Tom is going to mention his essential tremor to his doctor because he’s been shakier lately. Even I’ve noticed it. Now he can’t even hold his phone still enough to take pictures. I worry about him becoming disabled and also broke that neither of us can work. I get that we can never literally be penniless again since we have the retirement money but there is always a slim chance of homelessness. If we couldn’t afford this place, I don’t know where we could afford to live because it’s pretty cheap here. Neither of us would opt for homelessness over death, though. We wouldn’t and couldn’t put ourselves through that, especially at our ages and with my medical conditions. If this is ever a real risk it isn’t in the near future so that’s definitely not my biggest concern right now. Right now I just want my energy back and to cure whatever the hell’s going on with me.

There’s no bacteria in my pee but WBC and occult blood were still present. Just not quite as much this time so whatever it is isn’t progressing. To the best of my knowledge, it can’t be anything cancerous.

Back to the sleep issues. Again, I don’t know if there are gods, devils, or whatever but when I think about it, it’s just my shit luck that I would develop sleep apnea or at least get fat enough for it to be a problem because my sleep has always been cursed in one way or another all my life.

All. My. Life.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2023
Been quite busy that I don’t know if I’ll remember everything that’s gone on but I’ll do my best.

Learning yesterday that my TSH is nearly normal shows, even more, how fucked up the endo I saw in September was. Even Tom agreed that she wanted to do crazy things. I’ll be going back to the lab in 2 months. Hopefully, I don’t have to worry about accumulation or my TSH popping back up to 22. I’ll have changed insurance companies by then. I hate change so the new one better be better!

Galileo got part of my urine test back and there are still WBCs and something else present they mentioned that is a telltale sign of a UTI. I don’t doubt for a minute that I have one because the burning is really bad today and I have intermittent flank pain. So it’s either a UTI or a kidney infection. So I got a nitrofurantoin prescription and a levothyroxine refill earlier today. They’re still waiting for the results of the cultures.

This infection could contribute to my fatigue too, even though I had fairly decent energy today for the first time in days. A couple of days ago I got really light-headed and sweaty and my blood pressure dropped to 91/61 because I got dehydrated, so I have to make a point of keeping hydrated, especially while I’m treating the infection.

I went back to the CPAP supply company and met with the same guy who let me try a full face mask and no way! It was even worse because whenever I would breathe in and out it felt like a cupped hand gently slapping my face. Instead, he gave me a chin strap which was something I thought about before but decided to hold off on getting because I wanted to see about a full-face mask. Hopefully, that will be enough and I can get used to it once and for all so I can continue with the process of elimination as to what’s been causing the heavy fatigue. If I get used to this but I’m still dragging so much of the time, then I’ve got something else going on that can’t be good at all. Then it could come down to chronic fatigue or even possibly some kind of hidden cancer even though I certainly can’t imagine the latter being the case.

Also, even if I lost weight, there are no guarantees that I’d not need the CPAP.

The new Meow Wolf golf course came out and it’s great. Love the colorful flowers, rainbows, crystals, and general effects, but the scoreboard doesn’t appear at the end of the game. I told Walkabout on Twitter but I’m sure they’re already aware of this bug.

I was disappointed to see Ray had a visitor who pulled up onto the gravel as if he’d gone ahead after all and expanded his driveway but they were quiet and weren’t here long. I think I’ve seen this person before and they don’t come around that often. Either way, these houses are close enough so I definitely wouldn’t want anyone parking there regularly.

I love this climate but damn does the state continue to disgust me! They’re expanding the crazy Don’t Say Gay crap from schools to the workplace so now employers are free to discriminate against any employee they want. It’s horrible. I can’t believe this shit is going on along with the attack on women but at the same time I can believe it. I just don’t understand how people can complain about how horrible things are yet continue to vote Republican.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2023
When I first woke up this morning I almost didn’t want to get out of bed. I knew I would be exhausted and in for shitty news being told my thyroid was still bad. The question was how bad. Slightly better? The same? Worse?

Then I got up and greeted Tom in the kitchen and picked up my phone to find that dreaded message from my doctor. Only thing is that when I glanced at it I saw “5.87” and I thought that can’t be right. I just woke up and I’m not seeing right. Certainly that’s got to be 58.7. But then the next thing I saw was the word “mild” and finally my brain began to process it and there was my OMG moment! The tears started flowing as the shock, relief, and happiness set in. It was literally like waking up to learn we’d won the lottery.

But I got that first part right upon waking up in that I am totally, totally exhausted so I’ll write more later. I just wanted to share the good news. Now I technically just have subclinical hypothyroidism. It’s a damn good thing I didn’t jump to 100s every day! Seriously, sometimes we’re our best doctors. Jumping to all 88s and adding vitamin D every few days was my sweet spot.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2023
Finally got some time and a bit of energy for writing while enjoying the beautiful smell of helichrysum. Mmm…

Had a tired but relaxing birthday yesterday. We went to Publix to get some goodies as well as things we needed. The only thing that irritated me was how Tom got irritated with me for getting irritated with yet another person who wasn’t paying attention and made us miss the light as if it was somehow a personal attack against him. Then one of the stupid landscapers started to walk out in front of us as we were returning.

I stormed into the house, put things away, and sat down at my laptop. A few minutes later, he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry I made you mad on your birthday.”

We looked at each other and both of us burst out laughing. Anyone who knows me knows I can’t stay annoyed with him for too long.

I was tired yesterday, and I’m tired again today. I’ve got to make that full-face mask work. I’ve just got to. I have an appointment Thursday afternoon to pick it up. It’s gonna be quite an adjustment learning to sleep on my side and back only. I love to fall asleep on my stomach, but in my sleep, I do change positions a lot. I’m pretty much all over the place position-wise but not falling asleep on my stomach will take some getting used to. Gonna have to get used to falling asleep on my side or back. If it will give me my energy back, it will be worth it.

I don’t have the energy to go play Bingo tonight. I suppose I could make myself but it wouldn’t be much fun with me being tired, even though I’m not as tired as I was in the morning.

I was surprised to learn that Jessie has sleep apnea and sleeps with a nasal mask. I wonder why she never told me this before. She said she hates it.

Went to the lab earlier and am expecting shitty numbers. Then the next battle is to try to figure out if my thyroid is atrophying or what the hell is causing my body not to absorb the medication.

I got in right away because I had an appointment but Tom overheard one of the walk-ins say they’d been waiting for three hours while I was being taken care of. Oh, and of course I can have the fun of adding more appointments when they find too many WBCs in my pee. rolls eyes On the way back, we saw a billboard sign for a urogynecologist, so there is such a doctor after all. It’s a shame how much we’ve learned related to diseases and medicine thanks to the nonstop problems I have that we otherwise would have had absolutely no interest in learning. It’s gonna have to wait until we change insurance in January. It’s a specialist, so I couldn’t get in right away anyway.

Tom’s appointment went well, but he’s not very happy with his doctor. He switched to a different Medicare Advantage plan, but will probably keep him since he doesn’t see him often. It’s just that he’s always late. He was the first appointment of the day and there was no one in the waiting room yet he was a half hour late.

The doctor was pleased with his weight loss and lower A1C. It hasn’t been easy for him, but he’s down 12 pounds. I wish I could do that!

I read that if you have an enlarged heart as I do, it can eventually swing the other way and the ejection fraction rate can drop below 50%, leading to heart failure. But this doesn’t necessarily always happen so I’m not worried about it.

We had a little bit of rain for a couple of days which was a nice surprise. Tomorrow night should be the third time this fall that we’ll need heat.

One of the honker’s daughters is visiting. She’s by herself but she must know people around here because he took the fucking motorcycle out while she took his truck. Or maybe she went someplace by herself. Either way, now I’m worried I’m going to have to hear the fucking thing every day for the week or two that she’s here.

Since Tinkerbella is a naughty girl by chewing carpet whenever we let her in the living room these days, I let her run around in the master closet since it’s huge, and she absolutely loves it because there’s so much to climb on in here. I brought in her little waterfall water dish and one of the sheets she likes to burrow in. Of course, she’s chewing the edges of the carpet in here too, but since it’s just a closet, it doesn’t matter. Out there, though, she chews on the carpet and the couch and other shit I don’t want her messing with.

She doesn’t just climb around, of course, but loves to play with me as well. She was all cute, playful, and bouncy earlier, climbing and jumping on me and being affectionate.

I hide treats in various places for her to find when she’s exploring. It’s good physical activity, but it’s also good for her brain, too. She really exercised her brain after we cleaned her cage the other day. After we did that, I shredded up some paper and she had fun dragging it up to her hammock piece by piece.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2023
I’m tired today because I didn’t sleep as well as yesterday. Snored myself awake twice, had nightmares, and kept waking up. My first thought was that I needed to call the CPAP people on Monday and get a full-face mask and make it work somehow.

But then I remembered something from yesterday. I sent Andy an audio while I was wearing the thing and commented on how loud it was, even though I didn’t mind. He told me these machines are supposed to be very quiet, so that meant I didn’t have the mask tight enough or the water container wasn’t properly inserted.

I checked to make sure the water container was pushed in all the way, and it was. It’s also filled with the distilled water the guy said to use.

I looked up the ResMed 11 model I have and it said it was one of the quietest machines out there at 27 decibels. But then when I put it on again and pulled up the decibel measuring app I have on my phone, it said it was between 65 and 70 decibels!

I had Tom wear it to see what it was like and sure enough, it was almost dead silent. He said he had no problem exhaling through his nose and that the only negative feeling was that he felt like it made him have to breathe more as if he wasn’t getting enough air, even though he was, of course.

So, thinking I might not have had it on properly, I tried again and got it placed and sealed well enough that it was quiet and I too, could finally exhale from my nose. I didn’t get that cold feeling in my nose I was getting before either, or in my throat. The only time I would hear a little gush of air was if I opened my mouth. My ears no longer popped when I swallowed. So maybe there’s hope after all for this nose mask and an eventual end to these bipolar energy levels.

It’s a good thing I wear my hair up in a bun when I sleep because there are two straps that branch off of a single strap at the sides. You place the lower strap in back of your head and the top one at the crown of the head. The bun in between helps keep them from slipping up or down.

If it does work out, supplies will be sent to me every 1, 3, and 6 months. I know the filter has to be changed once a month, but the hoses are every 6. Nose pillows will come every three months. I still have to clean the nose pillow and add water every day.

I’m now starting to think that sleep apnea is the main culprit after all. It would explain why I didn’t have heavy fatigue when my TSH was elevated in the past, and we now know my heart isn’t causing any of the fatigue.

The guy said you have to score at least a 5 to be considered having sleep apnea and I was a 5.8.

Hopefully, Julie won’t make us miss the light if we have to go back. Yeah, she pulled out in front of us as we were leaving the park and when we got to the light there were a couple of cars in front of her. They went as soon as it turned green but she was sitting playing on her phone and Tom had to honk her back to Earth. She got through the light right before it changed, but to be honest, we were early for my appointment anyway.

If only I could lose weight! I probably always had sleep apnea but it didn’t get to where it affected my sleep and energy levels until I transitioned from perimenopause to menopause and gained more weight. Very unlikely to happen, though, even though I’m keeping active and have begun really watching my portion sizes. If we can ever get my thyroid somewhat under control, I will then ask my doctors about medication. First, we have to find out if the damn gland is really atrophying or if something’s going on that’s preventing the absorption of the levothyroxine. Going to the lab on Tuesday and they are going to test my pee again, too. They said that if there’s still a problem with my WBC, they will recommend a urology-gynecologist. I didn’t know there was any such thing, but I want to wait until we change insurance plans and get something with cheaper copays.

Part of why I slept shitty was that I had a dream that Tom died, but it was after the fact. I was remembering how we were vacationing somewhere when he died, and somehow I managed to get home on my own and carry on with life. It happened in just a few seconds. He started coughing as if he was choking and then suddenly went still and silent. I ran for help and he was pronounced dead right away. I hate it when I have these kinds of dreams. Luckily, bad things don’t befall him after dreams like this as they do me.

The rat has been so cute and funny. Because she’s been dragging pieces of her bedding up to her hammock, she obviously wants to nest. So I shredded up pieces of paper that I threw in her cage and it’s been cute and funny watching her drag the strips of paper up her ramps and pull them into her hammock.

The dishwasher broke again, not surprisingly.

I’m listening to The Bad Wife by Sarah Edghill and I envy one of the characters. I just started it, but it’s about a married woman who develops a crush on a doctor. I miss having crushes like that and always having someone on my mind despite being totally devoted to Tom, and how they would inspire story ideas.

One judge after another is clearing the way for Trump to be reelected. Is there no crime this misogynistic, homophobic piece of shit could commit that would get people unobsessed with him?

On the other hand, Biden’s embrace of thousands upon thousands of immigrants at the taxpayers’ expense is utterly appalling. I swear I fucking hate both Democrats and Republicans!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2023
So after we returned home from KFC after the nuclear stress test, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep shortly afterward. I realized I was either seriously out of shape or something wasn’t right, be it with my heart and of course, the damned thyroid.

I thought I would have to wait until I follow up with the cardiologist on the 18th but I got the results online yesterday and it shows no blockages or arrhythmias. But I do have a heart ejection fraction rate of 87% which shouldn’t be over 70%. This means my heart is beating a little too hard, but I doubt she’ll think it serious enough to need medication. It definitely could explain why my heart seems to pound at times. Sometimes I’ll be aware of my heart beating and think it’s racing when it’s not. I guess this can be caused by the heart muscle between the chambers being too thick. The question is how much can it contribute to my fatigue.

Picked up the CPAP machine and mask yesterday. There were three mannequin heads displaying 3 different masks and I chose the minimal one with the smallest mask and fewer straps. He was worried at first that he wouldn’t find one small enough for my tiny nose but he got one and showed me how to use the machine.

I wasn’t able to sleep with it last night and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this mask. I might have to try something else. It’s too hard to exhale through my nose with it and my ears kind of pop when I swallow. Maybe a full-face mask would be my best bet. I asked Andy, and he doesn’t have any problems exhaling with it. I just might not be able to sleep on my stomach with one. I’ll have to take the guy’s advice and practice wearing it while I’m awake and getting the hang of how to breathe with it. I thought it would come as naturally as breathing without it and that my worst problem would be getting used to sleeping with the thing on my face. I didn’t realize the air pressure would be as strong as it was, and that was on the lowest setting. It automatically adjusts in your sleep. It’s also louder than I thought which would make a good sound machine as long as it wasn’t changing in pitch erratically.

Back to having more burning where I pee and flank pain despite taking a probiotic yesterday and Replensing before bed. Really hope I’m not looking at yet another problem! He really wants to start looking for work this month, and he can’t do that if I have to keep having one appointment after another.

The dishwasher is working again. It was our fault for not keeping up on it and cleaning the filter. He steamed off the gunk that was blocking the sensor and then got some Affresh tablets like what we used to get for our front-loading washer in California. This seemed to do the trick.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2023
Written yesterday…

Heading down 19 now. Don’t know if I’ll get this online today.

Luckily, I’m not too tired as I figured I would be. I’ve got a PB&J sandwich packed with me and a fruit cup. The only thing I don’t get is why I was instructed to take a sandwich lunch. Testing is 2 to 3 hours. If they start at 8:00 and I’m out at 11:00, then it’s lunchtime anyway. I’m guessing it’s part of the testing.

Can’t remember any dreams last night so I guess that’s a good sign. A few nights ago I dreamed that a deaf woman was interested in me, LOL.

Checked the portal yesterday to see if the results of my last test were there but it’s not. I won’t know anything until the 18th.

CPAP day is tomorrow, so I need energy for one more day! I just hope I can stand to sleep with the thing. It will be interesting to see how helpful it is…or isn’t.

Andy left a message saying that if I can make it, I’ll have to meet him at Gary’s clubhouse. He won’t have a car to get to our place and Gary already has a full house of visitors. I like this arrangement much better because our place is a bit small for three visitors and I’m his friend, not Gary’s or Judy’s. I still don’t know if I can make it that day but he seems to understand that it’s up in the air right now. I would definitely love to see him and I know he wants to see me.

Hate this cold spell we’re having. I’m in my hoodie and the car’s heater is on. It’s 47° now but supposed to come up to 75°. After a few warm days, it will be cold again. Might as well get used to it. It’s going to be this way till March with a few warm spells thrown in.

On the road again headed for KFC after 2.5 hours of testing.

They were pretty punctual and a guy named Mike brought me to a room and then Tom left to charge the car. He took my blood pressure which was a surprising 167/97! Maybe because I hate the tight electronic cuffs and I tensed up.

Then he injected the tracer through a portal in my hand. I felt a coldness creep up my hand and along my forearm, and he said that was good because that meant it was working.

He had me wait in the waiting room for 45 minutes. Fortunately, since the place was a maze, they had these green arrow stickers on the floor so I could find my way back to the waiting room. It was so cold in there too! I should have worn a sweatshirt.

After the 45 minutes was up, I was made to sit in a chair with a seatbelt of sorts that raised a foot or so off of the ground. I had to raise my arms overhead and place my forearms on a padded armrest that was at forehead level. I was told to breathe normally and hold still for 20 minutes. Not the most comfortable thing, but not too bad either. Every couple of minutes, the chair rotated an inch or two as pics of my chest were taken.

Next came what would be a much tougher time on the treadmill than anticipated after they stuck those things to my chest that the EKG leads attached to. Thanks, Hashimoto’s, for forcing me to get so out of shape by not having the energy to run.

“That’s a terrible disease,” Mike’s nurse Dan said. “Your thyroid is your body’s carburetor.”

So true and I hate knowing how limited I’ll likely be for the rest of my life because of it. It’s a shitty life sentence for sure.

My HR reached 150 even though the target was 139. It was tough because it was uphill. Instead of having you run, they gradually increase the speed and incline. While on the treadmill, they injected more of the tracer and took my blood pressure again.

After the treadmill, the removal of the IV which made me more comfortable, and a third and final blood pressure reading, I went out to the waiting room and scarfed down the sandwich and fruit cup I brought with me.

Then Tom returned and 20 minutes later I was brought back for the final phase of the testing. I had to sit in the rotating chair again with my arms raised by my forehead for more glamour shots but this time only for 8 minutes.

Despite having a meal bar and a fruit cup at 4:00 a.m. and the lunch I packed, I was famished. Yet by the time we got to KFC, major fatigue was setting in, and I couldn’t quite finish my chicken dinner.

More to come later.

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Last updated May 31, 2024