May 21 reflections in Old

I was getting ready for bed tonight, putting the birds to bed turning off the lights and I smelled something very odd. Regretfully, I have a very good sense of smell. I regret it, especially when going near some very bad smell. I have perhaps saved a factory from burning down because I kept on asking “what’s that weird smell?” Something was burning in the basement of the factory, and nobody would do anything about it until they saw actual smoke. I noticed what I thought was the smell of burning electronics or wires or heated metal one day and I was able to track it down to a malfunctioning outlet in my house that was arching. Thanks to my nose. Everything turned out fine. I trust my nose that if there’s some odd smell with some paranoia, I need to try to track it down. Hopefully, the odd smell tonight was just a ghost.

I’m still getting used to this thing of thinking of myself as a senior citizen. In my mind, I don’t feel it. I drive around playing Pearl Jam and other groups that make my bones want to jump out of my flesh. And grocery shopping I know there’s so many people I consider to be senior citizens or around my age will pay in cash instead of using their bank card. It just seems odd to me that so many from my generation do not use the modern technology. I probably use it too much. I’ve heard that my generation complains about younger generations constantly having their phone in hand. In that case, I don’t feel very boomer because my phone is almost constantly in hand. There is a disconnect in me about age. My mind and body are not in sync about it.

I try to practice living in the moment and not looking back or at what if or what could have been. I wonder why I am still single at this age and make excuses for it or rationalizations. For so many years, I thought I was not good enough for so many women because I was just a factory worker. It was only when I retired that I was able to see that I had been a good factory worker and I had survived in life. I could’ve done much worse. I believe too that I was a bit self-absorbed for many years. I was also too emotional and too melodramatic whereas I should’ve been far more logical and pragmatic. I was a dreamer, whose dreams were only that. My ego told my low self-esteem self that I was some kind of great writer went at the best. I was just mediocre. I lost my passion for writing years ago. I lost my passion for the ideas I had. Part of me died I guess. Maybe parts of us die before all of us die. I still have a romantic Spirit, but that romance has for the whole world inside me.

It’s 84 Fahrenheit in my bedroom as I write this and the fan is on. I do have an air conditioner, but I only want to use it for extreme heat waves. I realized with age, I cannot handle heat as I once did. When I worked in the factory, it would be 90 outside and a bit higher inside the factory. We had fans blowing hot air all around. Some days the boss would tell us to just go sit in the men’s room to cool off because that had air conditioning with the office. Don’t faint while operating a machine. It was 90 Fahrenheit in my house today even with the fan on. I was sweating but more concerned about the birds because they cannot sweat. There are many tornadoes out west in the middle USA and I’m hoping that when the cool front does come through such does not happen here.

It’s funny how at 68 soon 69, I still look for a companion, but there’s something funny in that so many are so conservative and dry. It’s like ladies what happened? Did your souls dry up? I look inside and ask the same, but no it has not because my ability to see beauty in life feel love and joy is greater than it’s ever been.