May 19 reflections in Reflection’s

When I think of buddy dying, I wonder as I’ve wondered before for years what the poisons of the factory did to the bodies of the workers? All those poisons those carcinogens we worked with and the company just didn’t give a shit. Get the work done. I remember an old barrel of some shit that stunk horribly that was leaking in a warehouse. Sometimes I would get that shit on me by walking past it. I remember working with it decades ago. The only time anyone wore chemical masks with filters was when there was some painting being done, but even then so many, just toughed it out and went with a simple paper mask. I know we inhaled paint. If you can taste it and smell it, you’ve got it in you. The same with other chemicals substances. You work with that shit and you wonder if you have a timebomb inside yourself. Recently, I’m trying to eat all the anti-inflammatory good stuff I can find and hopefully it’ll add another year to my life.

Memory loss has been a big concern to me, but I think the memory I have lost is normal. Often, I’ve realized I just did not want to remember a lot of shit. So much of memory like life was trivial and foolish.

I have noticed with some alarm is short attention span when it comes to reading and sometimes watching a movie or show. I find myself routinely, jumping from Reddit to YouTube and news sites a very hungry short attention spanned mind. If someone said squirrel, I would probably stop all that I was doing and look for something to chase like a dog will. I am aware of my lack of attention and how I have at times lost train of thought with some embarrassment. I have found that being mindful and sitting and watching my mind, the thoughts pass and focusing on my breathing and not letting the passing thoughts, take me away. It is good practice and I need to do it more.

I have been quite relieved to find out that you don’t have to do 10,000 steps a day to be healthy. That was a gimmick years ago in Japan. However, the more a person is in motion and gets exercise is helpful. 150 minutes a week at least is one number thrown out there of moderate exercise. I am now finding confidence in 6000 steps every other day or an hour on the treadmill. I had been afraid of injuring myself as I have done in the past, but now I’m gaining confidence. I’m enjoying breathing hard as I did so many years ago. When I was young in my early 30s, I ran long distance and I enjoyed pushing myself so that my lungs burned. No, my legs have some pain, but it’s a good pain and old familiar friend from long ago.

Talking on the phone with my former boss yesterday felt like it used to, which is why I don’t want to talk with him anymore. He likes to warm up people with everything. He will find some way to add something negative to a conversation. If you’re feeling good about something, he will try to make that stop. I remember how for so many years I felt a sense of something dirty when conversing with him and constantly being on edge and anxious around him. He loved to bring up things from a person’s past and hit them with it to raise up some embarrassment or bad feeling. He is now radioactive, poisonous entity, and I want to stay away from such people for my own peace of mind and good mental health.