May 18 – I hear a former coworker is in hospice care in Reflection’s

My former boss sent me a message today, saying that he had been told that a former coworker was now dying of prostate cancer. I called him on the phone and surprised him with that because I don’t call people often and I told him that I don’t wanna have contact with people I used to work with. But this was a special occasion. We talked for a while, and it was all about people who were used to work with. Some financial stuff, a lot of stuff about health, but it used to be where he would end the conversation but this time I did. I got that same old, feeling of slight revulsion in talking with him because so much is about power and money. He tries to be nice these days, but he’s the same old toxic person I believe. I avoided mentioning how he bullied me for 40 years and just kept everything nice and smooth. He always seems to have the bad news. He’s that guy, the one with the bad news.

Buddy was the guy I used to work with. Last time I talked to him on the phone, he was clear of cancer. He had rang the bell at the hospital. He was getting stronger on the way to recovery, but apparently the cancer came back and kicked his ass this time. he was always a good person in my view. I worked with him for something like 40 years and we never had a problem working together. He used to be a hard living kind of guy, but then he got saved and became a born again and he went totally clean. I’m an atheist, but we got along. I respected his faith because he lived it. He’s one of the few if not, the only former coworker I have good feelings about a good memories. A good husband and father. A big guy, but very gentle. I remember that he wanted to learn how to read good so he could read the Bible. I admired him for that. He is to put a bluntly dying in his house, surrounded by family. Am I going to go visit him? No. I would be at a loss with all the religious people around. The good thing is, he will not die alone he will die with his wife beside him and his family with him, loving him till his last breath. I will hold joyful memories of him, and that is how I will remember him. As such a genuinely good man. He worked on the dock and sometimes I had to go out and help him, and I often did not know what the hell I was doing, but a patiently told me and help me and made sure nothing killed me that fell on me. It’s hard for men to say they love other men, but buddy is one of those rare men that I could say that I genuinely loved as a person.

People sometimes ask me how I can be an atheist and I have to pull myself back to not go into a rage explaining it. There are good people that die when others are so evil and horrible and yet they live such a long lives. Such as that Trump person. I’ve always been disgusted when the religious will tell me that this or that is all part of God‘s plan and I always think what a fucked up plan that is. Or that it’s God‘s will in that case his wheel is fucked up. MIA during so much suffering in this world. Or if that was his plan, what a bullshit sick ass plan it was. When people want to defend their God and try to baffle me with bullshit I just want to smack them. Only because I would like to slap the stupid out of them. 6 million Jews and millions more people died in World War II. Oh, there was some special reason for that some very brilliant reason by God to let that happen. There was some brilliant reason for my brother to be stabbed to death and God of course thought it was OK because God knows everything and can do everything or not. To me, God is a construct of the human imagination and that is all. Thus so much sick shit goes on because their God did not make them in its image. They made it in theirs with all that fucked up crazy shit that is part of humanity. When anyone wants to argue about religion and project their God from me I just have to get away from them. You mentally ill sick motherfuckers. But I hold my peace unless I’m writing in a journal.

One of the most cynical things and atheist can say is thoughts and prayers because it’s total bullshit. Or people asking for prayers because they have some difficulty as if a God will give a shit about their bullshit when God did not care about the holocaust, the world, wars, and so much other horrible misery. I’ve got a pimple on my ass pray for me, but let’s not give a shit about the people dying in the Congo, Myanmar, Ukraine, or Palestine. I’m usually a very nice person, but when it comes to religion and the religious, I have to admit I think they are some stupid crazy fucked up motherfuckers.

As for buddy, I will think about him I will not pray. I will send him love while others talk to their hands around him. Sending love to me, although there is nothing tangible in it as far better more effective than asking some imaginary creature for a favor.

Both of my parents died of cancer. At 88 my father was ready to go and also he was in pure misery because of my mother‘s death in 2001. My mother was in a hospital bed in my sister’s living room when she was dying. I was there when she was in a coma and feverish the cancer eating her alive. I wasn’t there at the moment of her death. I went home to try to get some rest but as soon as I got home, I got a phone call saying she had died. My mother was a person of beautiful spirit, very kind and helpful of family and friends. Caring for her family gave her meaning in life. She was a very good person, but she died that horrible death of cancer. Like buddy, now dies.

I sometimes think about cancer and wonder in a creepy way if I will get it. I’m trying to live the cleanest life I can. I am living a life of goodness and gratitude. In that way, I’m being better than that imaginary thing called God. You see if someone needs help I will try to help them. If I were an all powerful being and humans were my children, I would not let them be butchered and slaughtered as they have been so many times in history.

Mitch killed himself and there was another guy that worked there at the factory that essentially died of alcoholism. both of those men with their flaws were in my view beautiful people always willing to help and kind. It’s a very sick thing I had in me that makes me wonder who’s next in my family and of my coworkers. I do suspect in my cynical way that the owner of the factory I worked in that ruined. The lives of a few people will live along happy life. And buddy, the good man that he is will not live as long as that son of a bitch that hurts so many people. As an atheist life is not fair and shit just happens. That’s another saying, buddy. He was living a healthy life walking exercising he did what he could to stay healthy but it didn’t matter. I’m living like that, and I hope it will matter somehow the vitamins, the healthy foods and the exercise. But I will die, and some son of a bitch that was cruel to people for many years will live a bit longer than I.

Hey buddy, sending you love because that’s what kind of people we are good folks. I thank you, sir for adding so much good to so many lives. I wish oh how I wish life were more fair and dear old buddy could live another 30 years.