May 12 in Reflection’s

I talked to my mother today, but I doubt if she could hear me because I don’t believe in the supernatural. I thanked her for being such a great mother. Her goodness lives on inside me. sometimes it feels good to talk to the dead - even if I know they can’t hear me. But it feels good as long as I’m not talking shit. The dead live on inside me, my mind and memory. I never knew my brother Phil, but I’ve often talked to him. I always think he would’ve been a great guy had he lived longer. Sometimes I talk to former pets and I apologize for the stupid shit I did as a kid. At times, I was not so kind, but I was also not sadistic. The pets the family had helped me learn to love and grieve when they passed.

My oldest brother called me today. As usual, it was quite funny because I snapped at him and acted like I was angry, and we both laughed our asses off. Of the four kids in my family I’m the only one that had a potty mouth. I take some pride in that because it was some of the rough atmosphere the factory that’s still part of me. I mentioned to my brother about how when we are kids dad take a nap and everything in the house just shut down. Don’t drop a pin don’t wake the sleeping dragon. I brought up some old memories about some former neighbors we had. More laughs. Then my brother asked me what I considered a genuinely stupid question: “Do they still make jellybeans?“ I was baffled by the question for moment. It clicked in my mind that my brother goes into obsessions for some really odd things sometimes. For a while, he was obsessed with getting a sword. What the fuck are you gonna do with a goddamn sword? He would look at it and touch it. Nobody would get it for him, and thankfully, my sister watches over his bank accounts because he’s not all there about money. She makes sure that nobody uses him. He’s always been very naïve. After the sword, he wanted a machete and I asked him who the hell he wants to cut up? It was that whole why do you want it? What are you going to do with it but it came down to just being some kind of obsession. He got something into his head and he couldn’t let it go. And now he was asking about jellybeans. Fucking fucking jellybeans. He goes into the grocery store a couple times a week and he’s never noticed jellybeans. Baffling. Well, I talked to him. I went on Amazon and I found five goddamn pounds of jellybeans and I ordered them for him and I told him they would be there Monday morning.. Not having a computer or Internet, he doesn’t know about Internet sales. It’s like voodoo to him or something. I told him if you lose feelings or crowns, don’t go bitching to me about it. You wanted your goddamn jellybeans. I got them for you and happy birthday that I missed. It all works out good. Then the dumb fuck asked me how much they cost. I called him some rude names and spoke in a course manner to him and told him somebody gives you a gift. You don’t ask how much it cost. It’s a weird relationship Jeff always acted like he was the tough guy, but he wasn’t. If it ever came to a fight with somebody, I would probably be on my knees begging for my life, but I can talk tough. It’s fun. It’s play acting. I do it well maybe too many movies.

When I had credit cards, I didn’t really think about what I was buying. Like my brother, I would get obsessed by some things and do impulse buys. I always tried to justify it, but sometimes I was just pure bullshit. Now I have no credit cards or debt. Family did a favor and help me out on that years ago under the condition. I don’t be an idiot with money anymore and no credit cards. I have honored that it’s been quite a change, but I have adapted to living within my means. I now have a habit of whenever I buy something I asked myself about it. Do I need it? What will I use it for? Will I eat it or what? I recently went through my purchase history on Amazon and I asked myself those questions about purchases and yes, I passed my own test very well. Amazon is nice and which you can put something on a wish list or in a basket and take it out. Save it for later. Then review it and go why the fuck did I want that? I ground up 2 pounds of walnuts today for use with food, especially breakfast. I think I ordered the correct size Brad nails for some interior work. I’ve got a screen repair kit coming. Good job.

My view of aging is evolving now. I’ve read some studies about how we don’t all age the same way some faster than others some slower. There is no one number that people hit and all of a sudden they are bent over and cranky telling people to get off their damn lawn as they wave at them with a walker. I look at how I feel and how my sense of humor is very good. It seems quick and smart. I push myself to use my treadmill and on my bucket list is getting my guts repaired the muscles that is so that I can do more exercise. Cutting out the junk food or most of it has changed me a lot and that feels good. Sure, I fart a lot. That’s because of all the fiber I get. Either there’s something wrong with my nose or those farts do not smell as bad as they used to probably because of Les meat and junk. I need to not think of myself is being unrealistically young, but also not use labels of being old so much. I just don’t feel like descriptions of old people I knew in the past. A little bit overweight, but my health seems to be good. I understand that sometimes I have trouble with my balance because there is a lack of blood flow to some of my toes, and sometimes The blood pools near the end of my foot or feet. The toes go numb because of lack of blood flow. Keep that in mind and I won’t fall in my ass, I can compensate.

I hope my stupid fucking brother truly enjoys those goddamn jellybeans tomorrow. I’m happy to order them because this way I don’t feel like such a schmuck for not getting him a birthday gift. Touché bro, we’re all good😎