The Dissonance of Self and Desire in A transparent lockbox

One of the emerging conflicts in my life is how I compartmentalize. It has all existed to guard my soul and stay private and reserved. Throughout K-12, I never would hang out with friends outside of school because they were in that part of my life. I didn’t want that in my personal life. I also wouldn’t talk about anything personal or meaningful to me at school because that was a part of me that felt sacred, like no one else had the right to know.
Growing up, I’ve gotten less strict about mixing the areas of my life. Now, I hang out with my friends on occasion, talk more about my thoughts, and be less avoidant of vulnerability. I’ve learned people can be only a hair away from you and still know nothing. The things I thought they’d be trying to find out about me, they are trying to explore in themselves.
The largest remaining remnant of this long-lasting behaviour is when it comes to my existence as a sexual being. I don’t know how to be seen as all that I am in my work, education, family, and social life, as well as someone with desires and curiosity. To be the right amount of uninhibited seems like an impossible task. It almost feels like a weakness to be vulnerable to desire and instinct. Something about me wants almost to be seen as robotic. To expose what I want is to expose who I am and how I can be hurt. How can all the aspects of who I am exist harmoniously?

Last updated May 14, 2024