Surface Pressure in Current Events

I almost cried today. I’m supposed to honor my feelings, as per my therapist, but I don’t know what that looks like. I doubt it looks like a grown-ass man crying at work. There is a shift happening to my inner equilibrium and it isn’t comfortable.

Last night, I went to bed defeated. I woke up defeated. I woke up gay too, WTF? I woke up tired. I am tired of being tired. I’m just tired of everything. My thoughts on the way to work were along the lines of:

I have 99 problems but I have to study. I have 99 things that I want to do but I have to study. I don’t want to be at work five days a week. I don’t want to be at school four days a week. I just want to be able to think for myself. Think about myself. I want to have a thought to myself. A day to myself. Do things for myself. I have to give my mind to my employer. My mind to my school teacher. I can’t stand the pressure. I don’t want to care anymore!

Then I decided to kill the day with kindness. I acted extra peppy at work which worked. I faked it until I made it but even though I was not feeling any stress or sadness, my eyes kept trying to swell up.

That trainwreck of thoughts is what is fueling my avoidance and procrastination, no doubt. I want to be selfish. I need to change the context because it isn’t necessarily about the content. I am investing in my future.

I was thinking about Future Man. That is what I named my future self. What does he need?! I am imagining my future self looking back at this period, and I am trying to be worthy of him. This could be a toxic idea as I am never good enough. Capricorn things.

This weekend, I will send my resume to the non-profit I applied to last summer. I was curious about why I didn’t get hired and Alex said she would look into it. I didn’t get that answer but she said that they were excited about me still being interested. They remember me and want me to send my resume. They have a full-time position they need to fill and they think I would be perfect for youth support. I think the job is mine if I apply.

They held a job fair when I applied last summer. I didn’t get interviewed for anything specific. I’m nervous about the change. I’m nervous about the job. I’ll be sponsoring indigenous families that move to the city from reservations. I will be setting them up with any resources that they will need. I will be mentoring the youth. 13 is the age group. I will be working in rough neighborhoods, with rough people with real problems. If we want to create social change, this is where I’ll have to be. I’ll be doing activities related to our culture which is something that I am really wanting a connection to.

It feels like I am coming full circle with something. Oddly enough, I wrote about it this day last year. I woke up to a voice that said Serve your community. The voice was my late grandmother.

Also, this job pays $6 more than what I am making currently. That’s just the starting wage. I can’t even imagine having that kind of money right now. My goal is to buy a car immediately. I want to have a hot girl summer and I can’t do that without a vehicle. First-world problems, I know. I have great problems, I don’t want to trade them with anybody.

I’ve not been in control lately. This is why I have a therapist. It’s been eating away at my health. This is why I got a naturopath. I am grateful that everyone is being patient with me. I’m on the right track I’m just going the wrong way, it feels. It’s not going to be a direct path, this healing journey I am on.

My room is a mess. My kitchen is a mess. The whole apartment is a mess. I haven’t showered in a couple of days. Who even am I? I’ve been getting anxiety attacks. Depression attacks. The works. Just keep swimming just keep swimming. I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. It isn’t even that heavy. It’s not a mystery to me either. I know that I am doing this to myself.

Own your story. I got retraumatized when I read The Body Keeps The Score. Now all of my scars are wide open. All of my old problems came with it. I’m a lot stronger this time around. I have the privilege of being able to get help. It came with the epiphany that my issues were holistic, so to speak. They all stemmed from one underlying problem. PTSD. I have the opportunity to address it once and for all.

Everything that I need to do is very simple. Just not easy. This is frustrating. It’s like when I wrote my last chem test and got brain freeze. I knew what to do, I just couldn’t make my pencil move. I handed in the test half-completed. When I get overwhelmed, when I feel the pressure, I give up. I want the release from that sweet surrender. That’s what this avoidance is. I’m putting my head in the sand. The self-awareness sucks. I could just enjoy my vices but nooooo.

My roommate is ready to find a new job as well. Within her company, so far. She also decided to quit weed. Power to her. She only lasted 5 days last time. She has spent every minute high and stoned since she was 18. It’s been twenty years. We shall see how this goes for her. Her birthday is on Saturday. On Friday, I am cheating on my diet. I am ordering us that damn good plant-based sandwich from Leopold’s Tavern. I’m going to eat bread. I’m actually excited. I’m going to fast the next day to try and repair the damage as quickly as possible.

Anyway, I’m going to go shower and then clean up this place. Then get my life right already.