Irregulate in Current Events

My CBT session on Friday was not as intense as the first one because I didn’t want to discuss the topic we discussed in the first one. Our focus was on my avoidance and procrastination. Our big epiphany was a no-brainer. My Feelings aren’t safe. I don’t let myself feel because I have demonized them. Post-session, it’s obvious to me that this is about control. I don’t feel that I can control them. It’s like trying to mop up a flash flood. Thus, I don’t know how to regulate my emotions.

Next session I am going to bring up this underlying control issue. I want to be able to move on already. I failed to study yesterday when I had all day. I failed to do anything. I get a few things done but nothing major. Nothing that matters.

Procrastination is an addiction. This is a concept I am trying to wrap my head around. It makes sense for me because I chase the dopamine I get from doom scrolling, gaming, shopping, or whatever else I do instead of what I need to be doing. I need to go on a dopamine detox. It is simple but not easy, naturally. I’ll have to come up with an action plan for that. I need to undermine my undermining. Where does will end and where does it begin?

The assignment my therapist has for me this time is to connect with the observer. Basically, meditate. The cheek, the nerve, the audacity, the gull and the gumption. I don’t meditate. That always ends with me angry and frustrated. My brain goes a lightyear a minute. I tried to put my focus to the test this morning by reading. I didn’t get halfway through the first page before it became an epic battle. This is why audiobooks are so much more compatible for me. I have to be doing something else so that I can focus on just one thing. I have to be doing something mindless like cleaning or exercising. Then my mind can pay attention. The other issue is that I start to really think about the ideas in the material so I wander off. Then it is game over.

I have so much that I want to do. I have a lot that I want to give to the world but I can’t regulate my mind. I can’t regulate my emotions too well either, apparently. Let’s get it together already. I’m supposed to honor my emotions as they come. I don’t know what that looks like, I should have asked. I’m that out of touch with them. Am I supposed to walk around crying whenever my depression hits? My high libido makes me want to be feral, do I honor that? A lot of my emotions are very negative toward others, do I act like a cunt to them? Sorry, I’m just honoring my feefees. He really wants me to come in person next time. I’m getting I’m excited to meet you vibes. You have a very powerful mind! He keeps saying.

The book I tried to read, yet again, is called Who Is This King of Glory? By Alvin Boyd Kuhn. Christianity is not a history book. He starts with the discovery of the Rosetta Stone to prove it. Christianity is Egyptian. It’s another beautiful gift from Africa. The gift of gifts I should say. When you know what it teaches. Then there are just a few hundred pages where he uses historical documents that debunk it. Psychosis is when you can’t relate to reality. Burning bushes can’t talk. We can’t walk on water. We can’t support two of every animal in an ark. We can’t make a woman out of a man’s rib. Today, if a man mutilated his genitals and tried to kill his son because of a voice in his head…

Anyway, I have a picnic with the fam for Mother’s Day. Then I’m studying. Even if I have to take all my books to a park away from all distractions. At least to my balcony. On my breaks from my studying, I’ll be meal-prepping. I’ll be cleaning the whole apartment. Should be a productive day. I’ll become very bitter toward my roommate in the process. But first, I must burn all of my energy at the gym and be dead on arrival when I want to achieve what matters. Doing the gym the way my ND told me to is proving to be very very effective. I’m a little excited about it. I’m going to e-mail him about my hair falling out at a faster rate. Maybe he will know something that I don’t. I didn’t bring it up because I don’t want to hear any bad news. He has a full head of hair so maybe he knows the secret. So does my therapist, that bitch. I think he is a Leo, actually. A Leo with Cancer in him or vice versa. If he is the latter, then I can see the Aquarius in his face as well. Smaller features. My ND is giving Gemini. Ew! Who cares?!

When I guess people’s astrology, I go by physical features. If their whole body hangs from their cheekbones, I’ll find Capricorn. If their hair is thick and luscious, and have eyes that practically sparkle, I’ll find Leo. They’re usually dressed for the gods. Especially if their Venus is in Leo. If their skin is fair and their eyes are intense, Scorpio. If they have thunder thighs and nice ass, Sagittarius. Their personalities are the biggest and most confrontational. Cancer is soft in the face and they walk and talk at a glacial pace. Taurus is pretty, usually. They have round eyes and wide shoulders or walk like they do. Gemini has a one-of-a-kind face. Things feel so uncomplicated when you’re around them. Virgo women usually have long dark hair and try to get away with showing as much skin as possible. Virgo men tend to let themselves go which is sad. I like my fellow earth signs. Libras are flirty by default. Watch their hips as they walk, both men and women. Their bottoms flirt with you when they’re not looking. Pisces, and cancer, tend to have the SJW look. The multi-colored hair. Pisces doesn’t want to look normal. Aquarius even more so. Aries has a bigger gum-to-teeth ratio. Long faces and high hairlines. Blah. Whateverrrrrr. Gotta get to the gym now. I hate when its too busy.

Last updated May 12, 2024