I Will See With Joy in Current Events

I wanted to hit up the gym this evening but it is going to be too busy. It was unmanageable yesterday. It was overrun with teens and tweens. This is why I prefer to go in the morning. I ended up just hitting legs and leaving. I’m in and out now which feels weird. I started doing it the way my ND suggested. He promises that I will gain 20 lbs in no time his way. I decided to walk which I regretted because I got lost. I cut through suburbia and it got too twisted for me to navigate. I’ll go on Saturday morning as usual.

I don’t know how to bro. I’m not a brosky. I don’t know how to have male friends. I talked Rocky into upgrading his gym pass. He just signed up at the one I go to. Now we’re getting chummy. He’s a guy from work. I’ll talk about all of them at work since that is my social circle, essentially. Simar, I always see him at the gym. He has never said a word to me in my life. Noel and I pull pranks on each other, he zip tied something to my locker and Simar walked by and I asked him to help me with it. Now he acts like I exist. Kyle teaches martial arts. He has asked me a couple of times to come to his class. He mostly wants his buddies to meet me so they can pick my brain when they hang out after. That is where they safely talk about events and politics. Marcello I have mentioned before. He and I also talk a lot about politics. He’s a socialist. He started to play softball and he asked me to sub in if they needed it. I told him he would regret that because I’d need him to drive my ass around. Stephen, our new hire, is going through it, man. He is newly divorced. He is losing everything. He talks to me about it all and I seem to be acting in the capacity of a life coach for him. Today I scared him straight about his drinking by accident. I told him about my friend who died at 33 because of his alcoholism. Also how my brother-in-law almost died from liver failure from his alcoholism as well. I think he is starting to look up to me. He asked how old I was when I turned my life around and he is only two years away. I gave him some resources about his drinking and his financial problems. He’s close to filing for bankruptcy.

You are the healthiest person I ever met! Said Stephen. The lunches I pack blow people away. It mostly looks stunning. I wasn’t going to get into it but I am not doing too well with my health, as we know. I have a plethora of deficiencies. Symptoms thereof. I’m working on them. The quickest fix would be to eat meat again but I can’t stomach the thought at this time which sounds crazy to mainstreamers. But bacon though. Now it looks and smells like something that has been dead for weeks. Let alone taste which is what 10% of our smell is. I don’t know how to go back and I really don’t like my ND pressuring me about it. Eating meat isn’t the solution to my issue I should say. It would just make this journey quicker. The problem is the acid levels in my stomach. High-stress levels are the cause of that.

I should be in class right now writing my test but my teacher is letting me do it on Tuesday because I’m behind. I am not going to waste any time this weekend. This is day two of not knowing what to do with myself. I was going to watch Erin Brockovich but it isn’t available for free on any of my streaming services.

I seem to be trying to talk myself out of going to my therapy session tomorrow. To avoid therapy altogether. It will just be my second session. There seems to be a shift happening to my inner equilibrium and I don’t know what it is. It feels like it is a positive shift but I think it is deceiving. People seem to think that if we stay busy and productive enough, our inner wounds will just heal. However, it is only an anesthetic. If you hide the symptoms you feel at ease which means you are not dis’eased. Sneaky sneaky. If I stay in control of every little thing in my life, I will be fine. I think I’m going into healing mode. I think? I need the manual I came with.

I still can’t connect to anything. All of my goals are on the back burner. This started after my first session. I don’t like it but it’s okay. I’m going to work on the assignment that my CBT gave me and then go for a run and go to bed. I don’t want to read too much into the process here. I need to just have some faith.... oh goodie, another free sex toy from Amazon just arrived. They are getting more and more expensive.