Static in Current Events

I’m trying to tune into myself but I can’t connect, for better or for worse. It’s like I’m tongue-tied. Thought-tied? Emotion-tied? I’m not numbed out, I’m not sure what this is. Could it be that I’m feeling normal? [Pause for Laughter]

Did I start drama at work today after all? Indeed I did. Am I supposed to be in class right now? Indeed I am. I can’t access Teams and stream my class. Do I have 99 problems on my crisis list that I now have time for? Indeed I do. Will I tackle any of them? Hell to the nah. What do I do? What do I think? What do I feel? I wasn’t ready for free time today.

Things feel like they are somewhat coming together, I don’t trust it. I must self-sabotage. I want problems! Always! I don’t know why I am being facetious with myself…

The weather is glorious. Finally! We have some heat up in this bitch. The sky is wide open, I should be out there where we belong. I feel like I need to go hit up the gym. I just might. The thing is, I am going to have to walk which is dreadful. I decided to start walking everywhere unless it is raining. I need to save money. Work, school, & gym are all within a 30-minute walk. Closer to 60 if you stopped growing in middle school. 5 feet people, I really gotta hand it to them though.... because they can’t reach. Ba dum tsss.

Oh! There it is! I can feel feelings coming up. I can’t tell which one though. You don’t have any feelings! I’m an actress! I have all of them! I think it is disappointment creeping up. I caught myself trying to doom-scroll on my phone in bed for the rest of the evening. It’s like, ever since I decided to see a therapist, everything went to the back burner. I don’t like it. The emotion I want to conjure up right now is ambition. Is that an emotion? I’m just going to go to the gym. If it is busy, I’ll do leg day. If it is not busy I’ll do back day. Maybe I can outrun the existential dread that is seeping in like a normal person. Everythings fine if I stay busy.