Fuck-It Era in Current Events

All my scars are open. All of my suppressed trauma bubbled up to the surface last weekend. As we know. It’s not like things can be normal. At least, I can’t just be normal. My version of normal. Whatever normal was to me. And girl, I am trying. There is going to be an effect. Why am I so surprised? There is a silver lining somewhere I’m sure. My toxic optimism era is clearly over.

I’ve been on this self-improvement journey since my niece was born. All that work has gone out the window. At least so it feels. I feel like I am seventeen again. I can’t bring myself to go to class. School was the worst place in the world for me. It wasn’t even the other kids. It was my anxiety or whatever this demon is called. Going back to school was my #1 dream/nightmare. I’m finally here and now it’s like I am reliving the horror all over again from the mind of that seventeen-year-old. I can’t even look at my schoolwork without my hands trembling. I get so flustered. All I want to do is crawl under my bed. I just want to lay there in the dark and pray that I don’t wake up like old times. I used to stay up all night because falling asleep made school come faster. My mother had to hire someone to come drag my ass from under the bed and walk me to class. I’m on my own now.

I was in my fuck-it era. Last week, school was dead to me. Like, I dropped out. I was done. Fuck it! Who cares?! What’s the point? In 100 years we will all be dead and nobody is going to remember us so fuck it. Fuck me, fuck you, fuck everybody. I was thinking about buying some lipstick so that I can at least look pretty when I get fucked by this so-called-life.

I got drunk on the weekend. I’ve been craving cigarettes. Like, I am even dreaming about it. I saw Aman eating a burger for lunch and that’s all I wanted in that moment, I almost cried. Like what is the point? I could just be eating breads, and desserts and just be all fat and sassy.* Like a normal person. Wellness is overrated. I have no dog in this fight. Whatever this fight is.

No eggs, meat, and no dairy. No wheats, no GMOs they’re scary. No corn, soy, or canola, I’ve got barely anything left. All for what? We don’t get out of life alive. Why be skinny and miserable when I can be fat and miserable instead?

I’m about to have an anxiety attack because I tried to study. My chem teacher wants me to write my test before class tomorrow. I looked at one formula and it felt like it was going to kill me. Lame! It was going to jump out of the page and fuck me sideways with something hard and sandpapery. That’s what my mind must be thinking. I really need to get some lipstick. I have my physics class streaming right now. I’m not paying attention, OBV.

I’m going to go for a run after this entry, take some THC oil, and pull it together. On the surface, nothing is that bad. I’m just chicken little. The sky is not falling. I’m just vulnerable. All my scars are open, as I say. Writing helps so I abuse Prosebox.

I had something eating away at the back of my head and Ishpreet made me say it out loud. I realized that I would not be going to university this year. I will need a student loan. I’m not going to get approved for that with my part-time job. This is why I have been arriving to work in such a pissy mood. I’ve tried for 3 years to get a full-time position. I don’t need the hours, I need the position for applications. I don’t want to apply for a student loan with a job that I’ve been at for five minutes either. My current position makes going to evening classes so easy for me right now. I don’t want to give it up but I might have to. Finding a new job was not on my crisis list for 2024. I happen to really like this gig.

I am waiting for the CBT therapist to let me know what the next step is. He is taking new patients. I need Need NEED some kind of help here. I hate using the word need but I do need this. I need something in that space at least. I can’t do things my way because I’ll keep getting the same results. I want out of these positive feedback loops once and for all. I’m on my own here. I haven’t even told a soul about what I am going through right now. I can’t.

I just can’t imagine what my life would look like if I didn’t have any baggage holding me back. Crackheads don’t wake up and say well, I don’t have money today to tweak today. They get it done. I need to be like the crackheads! Narcissists are easy to look up to right now as well. They don’t let anything stop them. Not that I would wish pathological narcissism on anyone. Their entire existence is built on shame. Too bad I can’t be a psychopath. I can become a sociopath! Crack would condition me to be a sociopath. I think I’m on to something here. I need to start crack.

I started my day by kicking a dog. That’s right, the vegan kicked a puppy today. I leave for work at 5:15 AM, on foot. It’s dark and there is not a soul out there with me. When a little gremlin starts barking at your foot out of nowhere your instincts take over. I kicked it good. I almost stomped on the dumb thing. Thank god I was not wearing my steel-toed shoes. The owner yelled at me, and I yelled at the owner. I can’t undo it. It was a funny story to tell at least. That dog scared the living shit out of me though. It was funny.