Anxious Attachment style, being a Mom. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve spent a lot of time in the past few days realizing why I’m the way I am. I’ve been single most of my adult life and by myself. I’ve never had a normal relationship with a man so when one comes around showing effort and making me feel good, I don’t know how to not become clingy. I’ve always been good about being single and by myself but then if someone comes around that I end up enjoying my time with, I tend to become a different person. Not a good one either. Anxious attachment style is me. So today, I’m going to make a counseling appointment and see about finding real therapy to deal with my issues.

Being a single Mom has really made me a different person. When you can go days, weeks, and even months where you don’t hear from anyone and not getting any type of break from your kid, it changes you. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself unless I’m working or with my kid. Anytime I’m doing something besides those 2 things, it just feels wrong. I’m angry that I had a child with someone who’s never felt like this. Even when he has her, there’s plenty of people around such as his girlfriend, her kids, and her grand kids to help. He’s never been on his own with her or have to even worry about childcare.

I’m realizing more and more that I have a lot of things to work on. I also need to start getting outside more and trying to be more active. I have a good amount of weight to lose and I think unless people are going to be supportive of my journey, it’s one I need to take on by myself. Another issue I have is always doing what everyone else wants to do instead of having my own mind and saying no I don’t want to do that, let’s do something else.

My daughter goes with the girlfriend tomorrow after school. I need to reach him and find out exactly what time she’ll be in town or if I should just meet her after school with my daughter’s booster seat and packed bag.

It’s definitely nice that the guy is stepping up now, even if it’s just every other weekend. I definitely appreciate not having to worry about childcare when they have her and I’m also able to get a break but I don’t see much going on with the new guy and it’ll probably be just another weekend of working and hanging out by myself. I also hesitate trying to adjust to them taking her because it generally ends just as fast as it starts so I don’t want to get too comfortable. I just think it’s crap how this has been all along and even now, I still have to worry if this is going to be a consistent thing or not.

I still think about the guy a lot. More than I’d like to admit. I wonder if he thinks about me too. Sometimes I still wish he’d text me. I still don’t understand where it went wrong or why so fast. I wonder if I’ll ever find a decent guy and one that will stick around. I also think about the fact that I don’t make a lot of money, I live in a shitty place, I don’t know how to have fun and I can be rather boring. I don’t know how to have a life outside of working and being a Mom. Yeah, I’m trying now but this is going to be a really long road.

It’s hard trying to make a new norm when my life has been not my own for almost 7 years. I have done it all on my own and now, it’s a different thing. My daughter was talking to him on the phone last night and he told her when he comes back he plans to get another job because, “I don’t want to go back to being nothing again” so it’s the concern that if he’s not working, he’s going to end up a drunk again.

We have a month until school is out. I do plan to sign her up for the Summer program but I don’t even know if they’ll have it due to staffing issues. I also plan to speak with her Dad and let him know that I either need him to pay for childcare or we need to arrange for them to be taking her and more than every other weekend. Up until last Summer when they had taken her 3 different times, he’s left me to figure it out on my own this entire time. It would be nice to have one Summer where I get to work too. I also would like to try and find friends and be able to go do stuff without being at work or being a Mom.

I also want to try and make it to where my Mom is watching her as little as humanely possible. I don’t like being reliant on her whatsoever because I don’t like having to pay her because they’ve used me my whole life, I don’t like her eating our food because they never have their own and I don’t like knowing that at some point my Dad is going to make sure she doesn’t help.

It’s not fun having my Mom watch her. Last weekend her big sister came and got her and while she was gone, I walked in to my Mom talking to my little brother and he was saying how he wanted to blow his fucking brains out and all this shit and I’m going to make sure my Mother understands that next time that happens, she has to take him off speaker. Thankfully my daughter wasn’t here but that’s another concern. Then when I’m working, I’m trying to hurry because I know they don’t like my Mom gone at all and then the longer she’s away, the more they could get crazy or even say what they need to in order to keep her from watching her again. I am going to do everything in my power to avoid having my Mom watch her. It’s honestly just too emotionally and financially taxing.

I’m also very irritated that my work isn’t busy during the day while she’s at school. I could be making money and not having to worry about having a sitter or paying someone but then there’s no money to be made. I want to make the most of my money during the week and then maybe not have to give up my entire weekend to work to make up for what I lost out on during the damn week.

But yeah, I’m still actively trying to find friends or even a love interest online. I’m going to keep that roster open until I find someone I want to pursue. I’m also tired of being in my house looking at the same walls. When my daughter is gone, I want to go outside. I want to start doing fun things with other adults. I don’t even care what it is, I just want to start feeling free and being able to have fun, even if it’s every other weekend.

I’ve spent much of my adult life by myself. I’ve either worked or sat here by myself. Then I have a kid to sit here with me. Well, both of us need more and that’s what we’re doing now. Whether my Mom lets my Dad run her and make sure she doesn’t come around, we are going to figure something out.

The fact that we’ve gone days, weeks, and even months not hearing from anyone is absolutely disheartening. My friend that lives 6 hours away is still wanting me to move there. I still think about it quite often. I can’t promise that I never will because I just don’t think you are meant to spend your whole life living in your hometown. I want to experience more than just this 1 place. I would love to get us out of here.

It’s been a huge setback not having any financial, emotional, or moral support all these years. I think about it a lot. It’s crazy how different our lives would be had my family been there for us and even her Dad. My daughter and I have spent so much time with it being just us that I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive everyone for that. We’ve spent damn near ever holiday, weekend and school break together. Then during Covid, pre k kept shutting down and I’d get maybe a day or two break and then have her for months by myself.

This is the kind of stuff I think about when my brother or my friend have asked me if I would ever forgive arrears or lower the CS amount. I have never had a life outside of working and being a Mom while her ‘Dad’ has been 100% free almost her entire life. He’s gone literal years without paying so much as a dollar to her. I get that he’s trying now and I’m definitely appreciative and I don’t bring up the past but I’m not willing to forget either.