For Better or For Worse in Current Events

Be careful what you wish for. I said that I didn’t want to care anymore. Now I can’t care if I tried. This too shall pass. Who I am is collapsing in on itself, for better or for worse.

I always state that I am in denial about having ADHD. They would put me on the spectrum as well. I don’t want a diagnosis. Those have consequences. They inform treatment which often doesn’t even treat the issue. A diagnosis attaches to people forever. That has a profound influence on how a person is defined. It has a profound influence on how a person defines themselves. I’m not interested.

The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, this book is disturbing me. For better or for worse. He is an M.D. I’m learning that my battle is with trauma. I am textbook crazy. All of it. Everything I do. It’s nothing extraordinary. I want that therapist to reply back soon. I don’t have the requisite words to express what is happening inside of me right now.

It started on the weekend. I was barely through the intro when I almost had a breakdown walking to the gym. All of my suppressed memories hit me at once. (Click Here for Exclusive Entry). When I say that I am numbed out, I mean it. It’s like my body isn’t even safe for me. I feel like I found the missing pieces of the puzzle. My metacognition was missing something. I want to get out of these positive feedback loops that I trap myself in. I want to get out of my head. It is creating illness. Right now, I’m all in. I’m stuck in my cycles. I’m on autopilot for now.

My roommate had a cold last week. This week it is my turn. I’m going to miss another week of school. I don’t even care. I’m having an existential crisis. An identity crisis. On the surface, everything is okay. I’m not doing anything destructive. I’m not thinking of anything destructive. I’m just in shock, I suppose. 34 years later. I do think that is for the better. I want the change. Change is a destructive process.