Everything is sad and my peeps are great. in Each Day

I haven’t exactly been avoiding writing, more like I’ve been avoiding thinking. M left Wednesday morning, and we’ve been texting pretty steady since then. He did his test on Thursday, and “It’s done.” is about as much comment as he’s wiling to make on how he did. Then he had the whole long weekend to himself. One of the guys out there invited him to go off-roading and he had a good time, so that made me feel better about him being alone out there.
Tomorrow he’ll start his course and then at least he’ll be connected to his coursemates.

Wednesday after I dropped him off at the airport I came back to the house to get ready for work. I was in a really sad mood. Sadness is weird. I feel like it is new to me, but I know I have felt it a lot over the years. I did drown it in anger for the longest time so many be that’s why it feels this way. There’s a purity to it. Maybe there’s a purity to any emotion that you’re actually allowing yourself to feel. But at work anyone who asked how I was got a “M’s gone and I’m sad” type response, so, you know, killing it on the not oversharing at work thing. Why do I need to lie about my feelings for the comfort of others?

Wednesday night was Craft Club. I like our group. The new people seem to be gelling with us. And the sole guy of the group came back for the first time possibly since Christmas. He got a welcome much like Norm from Cheers (how the fuck is that for a reference only old people will get). It’s becoming a tradition to end the night with a peruse through the plant section :)

Thursday was a big recruiting promotion at work, and I had such high hopes for it, but the planning was shoddy (the organizer did not have enough time, but they wanted it done this fiscal year). They wanted to attract 80 people. 15 showed up. They wanted women of any trade to come talk to the people, and so first thing in the morning I went down to talk to the organizer and see if she wanted me there to rep my trade. She did, so at noon I headed down to the mess and stood there awkwardly until I grabbed a seat and a few people sat around me (surprised, since they were NCMs and I’m an officer and officers have a bad rep among NCMs). But then one of M’s old coworkers (who used to come to the house to jam) showed up, and bridged the gap between me and the people I was sitting with. We talked pretty extensively about how the medical establishment is failing women, stemming from how he and I both experienced our ADHD diagnosis. He got his from the doctor who told me my psychologist was wrong about my ADHD and that he thought I had bipolar disorder. Fuck that guy.
After that I went to physio. As it turned out I was a week early, I wasn’t scheduled until next Thursday, but he had a cancellation, so he got me in. I went home to spend time with Valentino, poor guy wasn’t getting much attention, before heading out to a bar for a drag night that turned out to be a burlesque show with Red, Red’s dude and Mandy. We drank Shirley Temples and ate a delicious pretzel with hot mustard sauce, and then I went home and passed out.

Friday was the Orphan’s Beer Brunch, and it was great. A bunch of people showed up, but most of the time it was me and Red, Lilly, Mandy, and The Accountant playing Cards Against Humanity. As soon as I got to the bar I ordered a Gin and Ginger. Also fish and chips (the traditional meal of the Orphan’s Beer Brunch) so I didn’t immediately die from the gin. The gin hit nicely, I don’t think I’ve had alcohol since November, so I’m a cheap drunk. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe at times. After a while I got a cider, and then it was water from there on, since I did have to drive home. I had planned it like this, I knew we’d be there for at least 4 hours, so I figured 2 drinks would be safe. I did eat a(nother) pretzel towards the end of the gathering, just to be safer. I was absolutely sober by the time I drove home, we were there for 5.5 hours, in the end.

I’ve been playing a lot of video games and cuddling the cat.

Saturday Bastet came out for brunch, which she cooked. It was lovely to see her. After she left I played more video games, ate dinner, and decided to get exceptionally high. I thought it would help with the sadness. It did not. I went upstairs to lay in bed and vibe to some lofi, and just let my brain do its thing, but I had to get through the sad first. I cried. I was the first time I managed to cry since M left, I’ve been feeling a little emotionally constipated. But I cried, and then I felt marginally less sad, and was able to just coast along on the high and enjoy the melodies.
I miss banging the hell out of my husband. Obviously. I feel like that goes without saying, but I’m saying it anyway.

Sunday Red came over and we watched all the AHS we could get of this season, which, ugh, Rosemary’s Baby much? I really hope there’s some sort of twist because the gaslighting pregnant women trope is really fucking old. We also watched a couple of episodes of The Great before Red had to leave to go to Easter Dinner with her dude’s family. After she left I realized we didn’t talk much. But it was nice to hang out with her regardless.

More video games. Actually, I want to talk about this game. Kena, Bridge of Spirits is a beautiful cartoon/anime style game about a young woman who helps spirits leave the world of the living with a power she inherited from her father, who has also died, but he is not in the story. It starts where you follow these two little children (spirits), one of whom is tormenting a little “rot”, a little black creature who follows you around and helps you fight and find other rot and interact with the world. They make cutesy noises like trills and cheers and omg they give me cute aggression. The children promise to take you to the Sacred Mountain Shrine, but first you have to help them find their brother Taro, this is your introduction to the world of the video game.
But the story… omg. It is painfully beautiful. I cry regularly playing it. Anyone who has experienced loss, this is such a gentle approach to grief. Kena works with spirits who were close to the spirit that is trapped, finding relics to connect with them, and then using the relics to draw them out so you can send them on. You fight “corruption” the whole time, this sickness that has infected the land, and the spirits latch onto, making them powerful and dangerous.
I made it to the final boss a few days ago, but there’s a part I can’t get past, but I wanted to play the game, so I started over. I’m enjoying it so much more in the replay. Hopefully I’ll be able to get through the final fights through honing my skills a bit more.
I feel like this is a very special game, that not everyone would “get”. But maybe I’m thinking my connection to grief is greater or different than others. I’m getting to an age now where basically everyone I know has lost someone close to them. It’s not the same thing as losing a parent at 22, though.

Anyway.

This morning I woke up, ate breakfast, and went to the grocery store. I got home, did some food prep, realized I now had three containers of mushrooms and three bags of grapes in the fridge. I talked to Katia for about 40 minutes about renewing my critical illness policy, talked to M a little before he went off to do some errands. I tried to start a stained glass project this morning. I got the pattern made, cut it out, found the glass I wanted to use, and then went to cut it out using the glass saw, which was dull as fuck, so I switched to a manual cutter, which didn’t work well. I ended up getting frustrated and walked away before I did more damage.
So I played my game until dinner, then watched Supercross while I ate, and then played my game some more before finishing the laundry I’d started yesterday and cleaning the kitchen.

This past week has been a bust as far as the Uncluttered course goes. I was supposed to find a new habit of my own (most people doing a no-buy, or cutting out some indulgence for a period of time), but with M leaving I just didn’t have the brain power to do that.
I’ve been doing pretty well with the clean kitchen before bed thing. It’s a lot easier when I’m just relying on me. This week is supposed to be a new habit “with your family”, so obviously that’s not going to work.
I enjoyed the decluttering part of the course, but the habit forming part is stressing me out. I need more guidance than that. The best I have done is “work on a project every day”, which definitely pushes me towards the ultimate goal of living a life designed for me.

Anyway. I’m up way too late. I want to get back to the gym tomorrow, so it’s going to be an early morning.

Good night.