Procrastination is just a fancy name for Fear. in Everything Else

Procrastination is just a fancy name for Fear.

I sometimes believe in “signs”, so when this popped up in my email on a day when I was procrastinating, a lot, I took it as one of those “signs”. And then I promptly procrastinated about journaling about it. That is kind of my M.O.

But here I am today, ready to face my Fears. First lets start with why I didn’t write about this on October 9th, when I opened the email. The answer is kind of simple: I was afraid of doing it wrong. That sounds a little crazy. How can someone journal the wrong way? I wondered that too. I had a good streak of journaling every day but then I found out that I wasn’t really journaling, at least not under the definition of others, “experts”. I was basically keeping a diary. Journal – Diary, what is the difference? And does it really matter? I’ve spent a few weeks trying to figure that out, reading posts, taking a “course” and in the end, I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter how you do it or what you call it. I also read that you should “hand write” your journals. I sort of understood this, but I knew deep down what would happen. I wouldn’t do it. Why? Because my fingers are faster on a keyboard than with a pen. My journaling came to a very abrupt end. I couldn’t spend all the time writing things out long hand. I would make a vague reference and then just quit writing. I would hurry through it and pages would never be filled. But when I type things, the flood gates open and the words pour freely onto the page and before you know it, I have a very detailed description and four solid pages. Long explanation for why I procrastinated writing about Fear, the power of the keyboard.

Deep down I fear things won’t change. Things won’t turn out like I planned them. If I don’t do them, I won’t be disappointed. I will learn that I am never going to be a great writer, I won’t be some sort of creative powerhouse. So instead of even trying, I just dream it all in my head.

I told myself that I have been trying to find balance between the things I have to do (responsibilities) and the things I want to do (things that I enjoy). Somewhere I thought there were things I HAD to do that I THOUGHT would bring me joy, but instead they cause me more stress.

Examples:
• Art: Which actually translates into coloring. Adult coloring, but coloring none the less. It is very relaxing and I love doing it. I am able to let things go and my mind just is flooded with a different world (which I would love to turn into a book!). I thought I had to make a color reference sheet before I could really begin to color. I had to have every pencil, marker, pen coded & a reference sample of the color instead of just pulling out colors and scribbling on scratch paper. I finally got that figured out and then decided I needed to put every color sheet in a page protector and a binder so that I could just grab and go. Almost done with that and am definitely getting my color on this weekend.
• Knitting. I love to do it, but I don’t love what I am working on. I thought it would be quick and easy and instead it is ugly and taking for freaking ever. I am pushing that aside, and getting on with a project I REALLY want to work on.
• General Crafting: Last night, I just said, “Take 15 minutes and see what you can do”. I ended up finishing a Work in Progress and got a ton of praise on it. It is being shipped out today as a birthday gift. I didn’t have to HAVE the perfect saying, colors, paper, technique. I just had to use what I had and my own ideas. I don’t have to copy other peoples work to be good.
• Work. I don’t have to be super organized and tidy to be good at my job. It is not a requirement to have a clean desk & every pile put away. Some people can’t help themselves with being OCD about clean surfaces. Others in this office don’t even know what the color of their desktop is. I am somewhere in between. But I do a good job and I don’t have to have everything on a spreadsheet and I don’t have to track my time down to the second (and yes I did do that). If I get my work done and it is correct and complete, that is what matters. I forgot that and tried to rush through things and made mistakes. I am not doing that anymore. I am getting shit done!
• I don’t have to watch every show on television. I can watch what I want to watch. I want to watch Arrow and I don’t want to watch Dance Moms. That is okay. Actually it is way better because have you seen Dance Moms? And have you seen Stephen Amell? Yeah. Google that and tell me who you would rather watch for an hour.
I may have just tipped the scales a bit and become less fearful. Maybe instead of laying on the couch thinking about all I should or could be doing, I should just get up and do something. If it doesn’t work, then I learned a lesson, and if it does work, well then I learned a different lesson. I want to learn every day. Not about nuclear science or kerning, but learning about me and my abilities. What makes me tick, makes me happy, makes me so mad I want to stab someone with a hot poker. I don’t have to like country music (and I don’t), I don’t have to apologize for listening to 80s love songs or New Kids On The Block. The only thing I HAVE to do is be responsible for me, my home, my money and my family and most importantly, my HAPPINESS.

It is okay to get rid of all those books that were going to make me a great writer and just write whatever is in my head. It doesn’t have to have correct grammar or even be 100% accurate. It is my world, my story and my rules. I don’t have to publish anything to know that I am a great writer. I know I am. I don’t even have to write a full novel if I don’t want to, I can write scenes that are all over the map because in the end it is all about what makes me happy.

So suck it fear. I am too old to not be happy!