Mirror Mirror On The Wall in Current Events

My previous entry gave me a catharsis I didn’t know I needed. The week that followed was like walking on air. I was not weighed down. That couldn’t possibly last, of course.

My weekend was not awful. It was just little things that made me unravel. First-world things. I just have first-world problems. I’ll keep my first-world problems. They are great problems. What sent me on a slight spiral was small things that added up. Like missing my brunch date that I planned because I missed my bus. Discovering my CRA account was revoked. Spilling turmeric powder all over my floor which is now stained.

I felt like an absolute monster after I visited with my mother on Sunday. She wanted me to dye her hair. She was probably looking forward to a nice visit but it was rushed. I was in an awful mood. It was irrevocable. I told her that we can go to a museum next time. I want to make it up to her.

You’re so hard on yourself! My mother told me. It’s hard for her to witness. She knows my story. She knows the odds I’ve beaten. I’m in school to make a better future for myself. I kept shaking my head as she spieled me because I wasn’t in the mood to hear it. I just wanted a pity party. I’m also very tired of always having to explain myself to people. Nobody knows where I’m coming from.

Come Monday, my scars were open. I was a little vulnerable, a little sensitive. A little bitch if you will. A pussy, a pansy, a big crybaby. A piece of shit. The theme of this saga seems to be projection. Maybe reflections? It’s like my soul went through a prism and broke apart to show me what it’s inside. On Monday and Tuesday, it felt like the cosmos used everyone around me to make me see myself. The good, the bad, and the sexy. I mean ugly! Like butt ugly. A face not even a mother can love ugly.

Is everything okay? You look sad. My boss asked me. I didn’t realize that I showed pain and fear. I now want to paralyze my face with Botox so that I can’t make facial expressions. Maybe a Pfizer shot to paralyze at least half of my face? I answered honestly and told my supervisor that I was not fine. That was an accident. I almost started to cry on the spot when she kept asking why. I didn’t explain myself. I held it together and then napped it off when I got home.

Was that solar eclipse magic? I’m not reading into it. My takeaway from that episode of people making me see myself is that I might not be as charismatic as I think I am. I’m not as funny as I think I am. I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m not as valued as I think I am. Most importantly, I’m not as hopeless as I think I am. It’s not that I am trying to shit on myself. It’s just a new level of self-awareness. I’m also very aware of how I affect others now. I know the score. I know where I stand. I know my place in this current chapter.

When you need food feel hungry. When you need water you feel thirsty. When you need to grow… you feel stuck. I said to Aman. She asked me about the solar eclipse. Does the eclipse mean anything in astrology? Are things going to change? I asked her if she wanted change. Then I said that quote and it gave her chills. It was exactly what she needed to hear. She feels stuck and didn’t realize it. I need to realize it as well. Fully. I need to want change the way I would want air if I was underwater.

I sneak my earbuds on the floor at work and listen to my audiobooks. The Bhagavad Gita gave me something to hold on to. Something to make me feel meaning. Krishna kept telling Ajuna to do everything in service to him. I know that these are allegories and what they are teaching. In a captured essence, it would be a service to the whole (no innuendo intended). Do everything but do it in service to God, if you need it watered down some more. This is what had me walking on air. I want that back. It made me think of my Grandfather who we buried last year. He was a very spiritual man. He was a Scorpio. He was a reverend. I’m the grandson of a preacherman.

I am halfway through week two of my modified diet. I sent my ND (Naturopathic Doctor) a sassy e-mail on Sunday. I overlooked an e-mail that had a list of things to eliminate. I only eliminated what we discussed over the phone. I want to remedy my malabsorption issue, not trade it in for a malnutrition issue. He called me the next day to discuss my concerns. I needed to understand where he was coming from. He modified that list a bit. Made it more flexible. Now that he has some feedback on how this is going. I’m just sassy because I miss bread. I don’t miss the bloating so I’m okay with it.

I have systemic issues with my body and we deduced it to two causes. 1) I’m not absorbing nutrients. 2) I’m not processing proteins. We are eliminating foods to try and discover what sensitivity is harming me. We are also doing an HCL challenge. I take one capsule of hydrochloric acid during dinner. The next day I take two. I go up to five and stop when I experience some abdominal pain. In my e-mail, I explained that I was at 3 capsules. He’s concerned because this means that my acid levels are low. I took 4 yesterday with no results. Today I will take 5 and report what I experience tomorrow. Then we start a therapy to correct that. This is why I have a protein deficiency. The cause of that is long-term stress. He suspects.

My classes are going okay. I’m doing mediocre. If I wasn’t balancing two, I would be excelling in at least one of them. I have a meeting with our post-secondary advisor tomorrow. It is time to start applying for post-secondary. My backup plan is to go to school for health & safety. My work will pay for it. It is a year course, I presume. I’ll do that if I get rejected for what I want. I’ll still pursue plan A, naturopathy, but if I have to take a year to do upgrades…

There isn’t anything new going on. I’m still feeling a little unsteady. I’m just going through the motions, trying to feel alive. Needed to air it out on PB. Maybe I just need to get laid, well, and often.

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