Fear in Life Is A Circle, Or A Torus

FDR once said we have nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear can be paralyzing. Fear itself is not an inherently bad emotion; fear can provide a useful “gut check”, to warn us of potential dangers, but can also quickly go out of control pushing us into freezing, fleeing, or even fighting. Freezing manifests as paralysis; fleeing may not be physical, but emotional and intellectual, pretending something doesn’t exist in order to flee from thinking about it.

I feel like fear has been holding me back for at least the last year. Maybe longer? I can’t quite pinpoint exactly when things changed but I know it did at some point. Stress, anxiety, fear, took over my life. I feel like I used to be pretty well-adjusted. People actually would complement me for staying pretty calm and collected even when others were agitated. I think the stress overwhelmed me at some point. Maybe I got too cocky with my ability to handle stress, took on too many responsibilities, and broke.

That fear seems to be melting though. In place of paralysis, I find energy, focus, and growing drive to find answers and not simply be stuck. Doesn’t mean I have the answer right this moment, which is its own level of anxiety, but it somehow feels more manageable than it did. I guess it’s a restoration of hope, rather than feeling hopeless. I’m not even sure I was aware of how hopeless I felt. Starting to understand now. Starting to fix it now.

I’m thinking of starting a podcast. I’d love to say it will be amazingly successful, fix my job/income worries, and become “doing what I love”. Realistically, that’s probably not going to happen. But I’ve always loved writing, and more specifically writing to teach others. Podcasts are kind of an extension of that; prep work and writing for myself, even if most folks listen. Listening is more convenient for commutes and other situations. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it in general. Some topics can be a little difficult to explain solely by listening, a diagram or formula can help, but generally listening is great.

I can’t say it will be a career or anywhere near successful. It may be just a short hobby, to say “I did that”. And that’s fine. I don’t want fear to stop me from trying. Take a deep breath, and let’s do it.