Let The Hate Flow Through You *Edit* in Hello

I have court next Friday so I’m taking a seven day detox to fully clean my system. I was smoking weed to help curb the alcohol cravings.

A few things went wrong so far today (it’s only 12:09 in the afternoon) and I got royally pissed off at everything. Of course mom, who is one of the things that pissed me off, came in here wanting to know what’s wrong. I kept saying just leave me alone, counting on my fingers each time I said it. Finally when I got to three she said she’s not going anywhere till I talk. I got up and screamed, “That’s four! Leave me the fuck alone! What was all that bullshit you talked last week to the aunt about how you’ll leave someone alone after they tell you to!”

I really want something to take the edge off right now, be it booze or weed. But no, I have to be “normal” and sit with these feelings because I’m an immature little man who can’t cope without a crutch.

I can’t get the fucking lawn mower to start (that was the breaking point) and I was going to go for a walk or something but my shins starting aching when I got five minutes away from the house.

Okay…

When I got up this morning the pile of kitty litter she spilled last night was still on the floor. When she got up I asked why it wasn’t swept. “I fell asleep.” It’s a few hours later and that pile is still there. Yes, I clean up after her regularly. Even when she’ll take a piece of food she’s eating and toss it in on the floor for one of the cats to eat. The cats won’t eat it and it’ll stay there till I clean it up

I stacked up the dishes on the counter that were in the sink so I could do them with the breakfast dishes. She moved them BACK into the sink to use the microwave instead of, oh I don’t know, moving them over a foot? And I’ve gotten yet ANOTHER call today about a full time position I can’t take because of those fucking aftercare classes.

Gee Jesse, why don’t you talk to her about these things? She put it, very bluntly, several times, “I don’t have to listen to you.”

She’s gone back to eating candy, bread and drinking sweet tea then bitches that she doesn’t feel well and her blood sugar is up. 🤦‍♂️

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

“All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That’s how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.”

-Joker

Edit:

I let the mower sit a few minutes and finally got the engine to crank up. The grass is still wet from yesterday’s rain so I only did the backyard. I’ll get the front tomorrow. Felt good to blast some rock through my earbuds and take my frustrations out on the lawn.

Got a flank steak in the fridge that has been marinating over night awaiting to meet the grill. We gotta hit up the store for some veggies for dinner and the rest of the week. I’m in a better mood now. Physical activity will do that. Plus I polished off the last of yesterday’s take out for a good lunch. Didn’t realize how hungry I was till I started eating.

I still wanna burn a joint and relax outside with a book but oh well. I’ll behave.

Last updated March 27, 2024