Here we are. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’m really worried about this weekend. It’s supposed to snow but it won’t be super cold so hopefully it either won’t snow much or it won’t stick. I worry that with the bad weather, my Mom will have her excuse to not watch my daughter. I remember on Saturday when I had gotten busted having her with me and talking to her about possibly leaving her at home while I go work. My daughter is 6. She’s very mature for her age, she has a cell phone and knows to stay in with the doors and windows locked. I’m really hoping that I will not have to leave her at home but I have a strong feeling that it’s going to happen at some point.

Everyone has gotten out of helping all along and now it’s to the point where I can’t just sit back and watch my life become an absolute trainwreck due to not having childcare. We are never going to get out of living in a shitty part of town unless I work. I have sat here living this for so long that I have to find a way out. I’m hoping that the daycare lady I’ve been talking to will get back in touch with me and let me know when I can come meet her and have at least 1 back up plan. The Mom that I had spoke to hasn’t answered since I said that I’d only be able to pay $6-$7 an hour. Unfortunately I don’t make a lot of money and I have a $2,300 loan to pay back so paying someone $20/hr is completely and utterly out of the question.

The fact that I’ve sat around living off welfare just so everyone can get out of watching my kid is absolutely insanity. I can’t do it all on my own anymore and it’s bullshit to even have the thought of leaving my almost 7 year old at home by herself is fucking bullshit. My Mom lives 3 miles down the road and doesn’t work so why the fuck does she go even months without talking to my kid on the phone? Her Dad owes 10K in back CS which means he has lots of free time but still won’t help with her? My brother could help even a couple of hours on a weekend but won’t. There’s absolutely zero excuse for this shit to go on.

It’s also bullshit that I could offer her Dad to take her on weekends and he would but then wouldn’t see her again for another 6 months. He will never be consistent and I wouldn’t want to even try to communicate that I need him to start helping with her because if I did, it wouldn’t just end up something for him to weaponize and then if I did leave her home alone, I’d be scared to death of CPS showing up at my door. Like I could see him not helping but care enough to try and get me nailed.

I have since made a post about childcare and asking what age you can leave your kid at home. I have her on waiting lists as well. I can’t afford the gas to drive out of our town to a babysitter that’s already high priced. I don’t have any reason to believe that my Mom is going to be consistent as she’s never been. I don’t even think she’s going to show up this weekend. I also think it’s crap that her Dad has been so mean and abusive that I wouldn’t even think to reach out and ask if he would help because I know exactly how that would end up.

I have scheduled a Zoom counseling session to happen in a few minutes. I need to get back into counseling and getting adjusted because I need that help.

Everything went well. I’m glad to just be at home with my daughter now. It’s nice that she gets a break from school starting Friday.