Another day. in Since OD is shutting down....

Last night was a rough night for sleeping. I’m not as tired as I should be, but hoping tonight is going to go better. My daughter just struggled to go to sleep. I don’t know if she’s worried about stuff at school or at home. I asked and she didn’t know why she couldn’t go to sleep.

I dropped her off and then got coffee and a sandwich. I’ve scheduled my tow for tomorrow morning. They did say to get it there by 10 and they’d get rolling on it but I’m terrified that it’s going to sit there like it did back in November. I try to keep in mind that it was different because it was so cold and that makes cars break down but I just hope that it will be fixed tomorrow or Friday at the latest because I have to spend money to get us around while it’s away.

High function anxiety is a bitch. I’m not okay until everything’s okay again. Like I can’t ever just take a step back and know everything is going to be just fine. I get really impatient with things when really all we have to do is live and die. I wish I could learn to relax.

There’s a part of me that would like to ask if my daughter could go to the after school program like a day or two a week but I’m just too scared because I wouldn’t be there to protect her and they more than likely know that I was the whistleblower for their shitty behavior with these kids. I guess it depends on how they were approached with my allegations but I still just don’t feel that it’s a safe place for my child. I’m just too afraid of something bad happening to my child due to their negligence or from me quitting.

There’s been a lot of issues that I saw or heard about while I was working there and I just can’t bring myself to put my daughter back around those same people. I think most of them have anger issues and no impulse control. I truly believe that these kids would be better off and safer at home by themselves for a couple of hours than be in that program. It makes me wonder how many of these kids don’t tell simply because they think this behavior is acceptable coming from adults. I even asked my daughter the other day if she knew this was wrong or felt it was okay because it was coming from grown people.

I can honestly say when I started, I would have never thought I’d quit and not want my kid to keep going. It’s terrible that it was bad enough that I decided to pull my child out of there too. Just last night she talked about how they went on field trips on Tuesdays over the Summer and what not but I’m just too concerned about her mental and even physical well being that I refuse to put her back in there. I care more about my peace of mind and my daughter’s wellbeing than getting a break or that it’s free childcare.

I’m hoping to make a little bit of money today because my car will be at the shop tomorrow. I’m praying to God that I’ll get it back tomorrow or Friday at the latest. I’m very stressed about this because the longer it’s gone, the more expense I’ll have paying for rides and I’m not able to make money which affects my paycheck. I’m hoping after this I’ll be set for awhile and will be just paying bills and saving for another car.

I filled my tank and got my oil changed. I’m not excited for tomorrow because once my car leaves, we will be on foot. I’m praying to God that it’s done by Friday at the latest. I can’t just be carless for too long.