Slightly Blue Reflections in Everyday Ramblings

The Equinox. Yay. My own personal celebration when the light is balanced and perfect… if there is light.

There has been but today the unusual sunny patch that brought a number of trees into bloom early will be hiding and we are in for a series of gloomy rainy days.

Not sure what is going on, but I have been a bit blue lately. Still able to wonder at the magnificence of a plum or magnolia in bloom but dragging a bit and feeling overwhelmed and lacking in companionship.

This is a bit of a paradox, and I am out in the world more, meeting fascinating people, it turns out, one of the fellows that has only come to our coffee group periodically, was a journalist for the AP mostly, stationed in Germany, and has a nonfiction book coming out soon about Nazi’s in Postwar Government, how they filtered back into the halls of power.

I suspect it is a cautionary tale. One we would be wise to take heed of.

So here I am meeting interesting, accomplished people, and interacting with my students as appropriate and yet when no one showed up for my evening class on Monday I didn’t have anyone to tell.

It’s not that I am feeling sorry for myself, (although, I probably am, a little, sniff), this happens, it is no big deal. What it did was highlight for me again, that there is a certain kind of companionship missing in my life right now. The Mr. Finch kind of companionship. The earned kind. The ease of knowing someone well and caring about the little things.

All the little things that come up during a day, a joke someone makes in class, something odd on the bus, an observation of a mood tone out and about, a small frustration or indignity, and the big things, the places where I feel stuck, am procrastinating, need a gentle loving nudge and maybe even an offer of support.

Talking through a decision. I feel like my life is in transition and yet talking through how that is unfolding, the players involved is only intermittently available these days. My loved ones have their own stuff going on.

I could engage a therapist. But that feels a bit like cheating. And! On top of that my overall experience has been mixed in this arena in the past. Some good helpful things. Particularly situationally, both with Mr. Finch’s illness and my ability to manage the end of the job from hell were both helped by regular contact with social worker/therapists. And I earned an Instant Pot from talking to a nutritionist.

I love my Instant Pot. That was a perk of being employed by the job from hell though so no going back on that one.

But there have also been some not so positive experiences with therapists. We are not destined to live out the path set in place by our past experiences it is true, but sometimes a body needs help managing the fall out from them. Finding the right kind of help is where I am at these days.

Maybe I just need a roommate. The accountability of that. And the inevitability with the cost of living going up seemingly exponentially.

Mrs. Sherlock and I had a lovely walk on Saturday. She is feeling better but still has some compromise of lung function from the nasty virus she just recovered from. She and her husband had an unexpected visit with a social worker in their health care group last week and said social worker told her husband she thought he had mild dementia. He looked at her and said quite firmly, “I disagree”.

She said, “That’s fine, you can disagree.” Which I thought was the perfect answer.

We don’t know what in our lives is going to happen next. I just hope I can work it, so the blues lift a bit, and I am feeling more seen and heard and less overwhelmed.

The smallest things can make a difference there. I guess the 70th birthday coming up in a few months triggers a fair amount of reflection.