Tears stream in 2023

Still here. Still crying. Still grieving.

418 days since you’ve been gone. I wish I could scream and rage and throw shit through windows and break down walls and doors and crush the broken pieces of my life between my fingers.

I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for leaving me alone like this. I hate you for loving me. For loving me in ways I never knew were possible. I hate you for making me love you as much.

How could you leave me. I don’t belong here without you. Not here. Not anywhere. I’m missing half of myself and its agony, Babes, its agony.

One more month here and then … then I’m gone too. Then it’ll really be over. When I close this door for the last time .. I still remember you fumbling with your keys to unlock it the first time I came to visit.

Leaving it all behind again. Our life here. Our memories. Like it never even happened. Did it? Is any of this real? Was any of it?

Was I too happy? Did I do something wrong? Is this part of grief? Swearing to yourself that you’ll never ever be happy again, promising .. never again .. because if you’re never happy again, then it can’t ever hurt again.

I would do anything, anything … anything to feel you next to me tonight. To be able to roll over and curl around you. I would die for that. Anything. I would do anything.

I’m scared. So scared of moving again. Scared of everything. Of failing. Of succeeding. Of staying. Of going.

Will you come with me? Will you find me there? I know you’re here because .. you’ve always been here but … I have to go, Babes. I don’t belong here without you. I need to find somewhere to belong, even a little bit.

I miss you. I miss you so much I can’t breathe.