Grandeur Lost in A transparent lockbox

Lately, I’ve had to confront the person I am compared to my expectations when I was younger. I know who I am now likely won’t be who I am forever. All I’ve been able to think about lately is how I am just average. It is something I have been running from forever, something I thought I would never have to think about myself, but it has landed upon me. I am decently educated and thoughtful but untalented in any particular field. Ambitions have grown to become meandering indecisiveness. I have opportunities and possibilities, but no sense of direction when it comes to my future. I always hated being called ambitious, it meant “you tried, but didn’t succeed” in my mind. There was an assumption I would be able to find passion, excitement, and drive with ease, and be highly intelligent in whatever I chose to chase. These days I wake with a sense of burnout. I’m planning to do a master’s degree just so I can try to get into a government job of little emotional or intellectual demand. Average isn’t bad to be when I think about it beyond myself, I just always had grandeur in mind when it came to goals and accomplishments.