I think I must be crazy in 2023

In 22 days I’ll lose you all over again. A year. A year without you.

A year of being nothing more than the walking dead. Empty existence. Wasting space.

I can’t do another year. I can’t. I can’t do this.

Everything is wrong. Everything is broken. What has happened to me? Losing you was truly the last straw.

My mind is … I don’t know anymore. It won’t shut up. Even with the headphones and audio, it just won’t shut up.

I question everything .. eVeRyThInG. And I want answers for everything too. It’s not enough to just question it, I need definitive explanation.

It’s the worst with the smell thing, the phantosmia .. see how specific that is? I needed answers .. but I only ended up with more questions about that one.

Truthfully that’s probably why everything is as bad as it is lately .... because I smell vehicle exhaust almost 24 hours a day now. So strongly that my face may as well be up an exhaust pipe - my nose burns, my throat hurts, my eyes water it’s so strong. And the moment I try to sniff harder or figure out where the fuck the smell is coming from - it’s gone.

I’ve had Drayden stick his face directly in my face when I’m smelling the exhaust and he smells nothing.

There is no exhaust smell, it’s all in my fucking head.

What the fuck.

And the headaches still .. cluster headaches, only on the left side of my head. They come on so fast & hard that my left eye waters and it feels like the left side of my face swells up - it doesn’t - and then it’s gone in about 10 minutes.

So I dig for answers and find anything from menopause to a brain tumor .. not helpful.

I have bloodwork to get done for the gynecologist I had a video appointment with a few ago. She wants to check my hormone levels because of the “pcos” situation last summer that hospitalized me for a week.

Except that wasn’t a pcos flare, I’m 100% sure it had something to do with my sciatic but because they saw a massive cyst bursting on one of my ovaries when they did an ultrasound in the ER, that was their diagnosis and they just pumped me full or morphine for a week instead of looking for anything else.

So yeah. Medically I’m a mess and while I’m perfectly accustomed to being a mess physically with medical issues, and while I 100% accept my clinical depression diagnosis and have been (happily) medicated for 25+ years ....

I’m really struggling with this smell thing because it’s not there and I know it’s not there .. but I smell it.

And it’s exhausting because I’m just fucking breathing and suddenly YUCK and then I’m like, there’s actually no smell, relax. But there IS a smell. But then its gone.

I’ve gone crazy.