Now what in 2023

I took the pill. Last night, with my bedtime meds. I figured I wasn’t going to sleep and I was sick of tossing & turning all night like the last few nights so at 9pm I took a sleeping pill too. I was out before the 2nd episode of the Chris Hansen podcast I’m listening to came on. Win, I guess.

I was up at 8am, which felt so much better than sleeping in until 10am after restless sleep.

I saw a thing somewhere that said something along the lines of the reason some people clean their homes like I do is because we can’t clean & organize the chaos in our minds, and I felt that.

Unfortunately I deep cleaned yesterday and there’s nothing left to do now so I’m a little twitchy. I tried gaming but couldn’t focus. I’m going to try stitching something but my fingers are dry & cracking and its painful.

My mind is so messy and there’s no way to fix it. Grief, yes. Depression, yes. Stress, oh yes. The girls are almost out of dog food and because there’s no child tax anymore with Dee 18 now, it won’t reorder next week and idk how I’m doing to get them dog food.

Dee should be okay with what’s in the cupboards for the next few days, then he’s back to school next week and he eats there plus there’s a food bank at his school so he can bring stuff home, the basics that I make other shit with anyways.

Stupid shit you don’t even think about not having when you’re this broke .. like razor blades to shave your legs, that will wait for some other day. The internet is set to be disconnected next week too, I guess the $50/mo I was throwing at the $100/mo bill wasn’t really cutting it. The power bill is pretty up there for the same reasons but I don’t think that will be cut off, I just keep chipping away at it when I can.

Thank fuck we had such a mild winter considering we have no heat in here - the electric baseboard heating is original (50+ years old) and when Babes first moved in years ago he didn’t realize how awful they were until he got a $400 power bill for one month. Ever since then they’ve all been in the off position and we wear layers & sweaters in the winter. It sounds barbaric but it’s not so bad - the hallway is heated and that seeps into our apartment, Dee has a plug-in oil heater in his room to keep it toasty and I like the bedroom cold. So anyways.

Stressing about finances is making me physically sick. And Dee won’t be graduating until next winter now. It’s for the best, for him, because it gives him the opportunity to take two more college courses in the fall, completely paid for by the school he’s in now which will give him such a huge boost in whatever he wants to do. He’s currently taking a college robotics class and a construction class, in the fall he’s looking at electronics and something else, I can’t remember.

So of course I’m happy, I just want the fucking best for my kids, that’s all. The fucking best of the best … but I don’t fucking know how I was planning to manage surviving here until June for him to graduate and now it’ll be at least January!? He doesn’t know how stressed I am. He knows full well we’re struggling bad and he does as much as he can to help me out while having a monster class load.

Goddamn Babes. How could you leave me here like this? How could you?