Maslentisa day 3 in Reiwa 6

In the 6th year of the Reiwa Emperor.
February 29 Julian Calendar

Yesterday, I believe that I mentioned that I woke up at around 3 AM. This meant that I was able to get a lot of things done, but I’m fairly certain it also explains why I had so much back pain through the day. Still, I got through the whole day.

During the morning yesterday, I was able to get work done on a work project, I finished most of my readings (Ohrid and Thoughts plus the saints and the daily readings). I left the others for night. I had a pleasant enough conversation with mum, but it soured as we ran out of things to talk about so she picked a fight (which often happens). But especially at this time of year, I ought to be better to her when we do talk. It’s hard, though. I don’t know how to talk to a person who cannot be reasoned with and who cannot accept differences of belief either. She reminds me, these days, of someone else I know whose complete lack of self awareness keeps destroying their relationships. I’m bad at dealing with this type, but I’ve got to be better about it. Forgive the vagueposting. And the bitterness. And the cowardice.

Classes went fairly well, although because of my broken back/limited mobility, I saw my status in the class decreased quite a bit. Really, children are like that scene in The Call of the Wild, and when the leader has a broken leg, they descend and destroy him. My older kids went better, naturally. In the morning, I had a good class with an adult student. Her classmate didn’t show up, so I was able to ask her some personal questions, and we really got to know each other a lot better, which was lovely.

I’m finding that as I’m back on my reading/praying schedule, my previous desire to do things that I knew I shouldn’t is decreasing, which is lovely. However, overeating is still a problem. Part of me justifies it, every time, by saying, “It’s Cheesefare! Lent is just around the corner,” but I know that, really, if I’ll jump on that kind of a cheap excuse, I’m in trouble. Three loaves of bread and a bunch of sushi.

One change that’s been happening is that I actually feel a bit of shame. For my appearance and for a lot of other things. I know that this is probably not going to sound good to a lot of people, but a sense of shame comes from . . . well, a realization that I should be better than this. It’s a fall from a standard. Feeling shame means that I feel worth again. I went to the barber to fix up my beard (he barely touched my hair, said the length and the hair was beautiful). I’ve got a new beard brush and comb in the mail (destroyed my old ones trying to clean them). Part of it is using a better webcam and having to look at myself. But I think also part of it is just . . . healing.

I probably could write more, but I don’t have much time before class. This is a big change as 2 entries ago, I could barely write anything at all. I think writing here was a good idea. I’m glad it was given to me.

小津