Maslentisa day 2 in Reiwa 6

In the 6th year of the Reiwa Emperor.
February 28 Julian Calendar

I woke up strangely and at a strange time. But that worked out very well, I think. That’s how I was able to write this entry.

Yesterday, I woke up early and felt good. This is a pretty rare experience. After morning prayers and a bit of puttering, I went to Yamakataya for some bread. I got there too early, so I was able to clean out my car while I waited for it to open. The timing was beautiful. I got a baguette, some cheese, and the black vinegar drink that I like and made a nice brunch of it, then I went back to my house.

As it was a Tuesday, I didn’t have any morning plans, so I got a few minor things accomplished. It’s unfortunate that while I have the energy and desire to do things, my back is broken, so I’m limited in my mobility. Still, when the mind and heart are healthy, it’s easier to overlook physical pain. He said after a disastrous amount of retail therapy.

My new hub came, which meant that I can now switch between my computers more easily, which was a really lovely experience. I had fun teaching all of my lessons, and I managed to get a nice start on evaluations for the students. I think that things are moving along much better than they did previously, but I have to be sure not to get complacent or cocky. On a side note, now that I’ve upgraded to a better webcam, I’m noticing various flaws in my face more, both natural and artificial. Once again, I’ve really let myself go in so many, many, ways, and I am glad for this opportunity to put myself back together. I may need to go so far as to put on stage makeup to overcome the blinding power of my computer screen illuminating my face at close range, but, since we’ve only a week left in the program anyway, I’ve contented myself with just getting some supplies to keep my beard more neatly trimmed. Weight comes later, makeup is a (hilarious) consideration for May, but beard maintenance is something I can do right away. I took the time to really do my hair well two days ago, and I still feel good about that.

I’m not sure whether or not to write here about how I am doing in my journey. There’s a part of me that knows that, on some level or other, conscious and intentional or not, there will always be an element of bragging. That’s not true. There won’t always be (I hope) but there is now. At the same time, I hope that I can encourage other people and shame myself into doing more. I managed to get through the daily readings, plus the daily reading in The Prologue and in Thoughts for Each Day of the Year. However, I started some new sleeping medication, and that knocked me out before prayers. At nine o’clock. However, waking up far FAR too early, and knowing I should do things before I could attempt to go back to sleep, I was able to get the nightly prayers in (albeit rather late).

As a side note, I don’t like my writing style. It’s too essay-ish. I’ve got to learn to write with more sincerity and less style.

For dinner, I had a cafe au lait and four small pancake sandwiches. Not the healthiest, I know, but I had a 6:40 class. I think tomorrow, time permitting, I’ll go to La Bosca and get a yummy bread bowl. It’s Cheesefare, so I’ve got to make the most of it. Or, rather, I’ve got to enjoy it in respectable moderation. If there’s time tomorrow (today), I’ll go and get a nice beard trim from Mr. Fuchigami.

It’s embarrassing at my age to ask for help from my parents, but they’ve been wonderful about offering. It’s embarrassing to even take them up on said offer, but at the same time, I’m trying to swallow my pride and accept that I’ve dug myself into a hole, and I should value a ladder more than pride. I’ve got to be thankful that I have these wonderful people who want to help me.

In my readings, I keep hitting on the theme of visiting the widows and the orphans. I’ve got to see about doing something about that. I need to volunteer, but with my back as it is, I need to be careful. I usually overcommit until I break myself, and it happened literally this time.

I don’t like that I started with the new Psychiatrist right before Lent, because it’ll make it harder to separate the two from each other. But, having said that, maybe it’s best. I still struggle in a way to explain what good is from what cause, but either way, the end is good and the goodness all comes from the same, so that’s little that matters. People will believe one or the other regardless of any argument, so there’s no point in making one. I used to despise historical figures who disdained debate and discussion, but I see their point now. Nothing that I can say will convince a person one way or the other, if they’ve already made up their mind. So what’s the point? Love them, and move on.

Well, it’s 3 in the morning. What to do next? Probably do a bit of work for work and hope that I get sleepy again.

A brief aside. I really like C.S. Lewis’ essays, but his one on perfection is really profound. That perfection is the only acceptable state. That we may desire to be “good enough” but that’s not a stable position. My goodness, do I want to be “good enough” sometimes. But I find that when I’m doing well, I feel called to more goodness, and when I’m doing poorly, every dark impulse caresses me ever downward. It’s odd, in between readings, to send “your mom” jokes to the boys, or to watch something that’s not technically bad, but certainly . . . not in keeping with everything before and after.

Growing up Protestant, there was such a focus on clear and logical elucidation. But heaven knows my parents couldn’t do that, bless their souls. I remember one day, on the way to church, we had Les Miserables playing on cassette in the van. And Dog Eat Dog came on with its condemnation of God and His absence came on. Mom stopped the tape and said it wasn’t appropriate. I countered by asking her why it wasn’t appropriate then when it was something we’d listened to a million times before, and we’d listen to after. She said that it wasn’t appropriate on the way to church, and she could not explain how or why. Maybe the answer is obvious, but it wasn’t to me. Understanding that was a good indicator that I’ve somewhat grown.