Obsessive confusion in 2023

337 days … is that why? Is that why my mind, my heart, my soul have been increasingly chaotic these last few weeks?

I scrutinize photos now, as they come up in FB memories … did you look like you were going to die in a month? Did I miss something?

Those memories .. so random .. so lively .. and I want to scream at us, “Wait!! Stop!! No!! No!! He’s going to die!! DO SOMETHING!! He’s going to die …” but I can’t warn us … I can’t stop it … I can’t save you.

I’ve been crocheting obsessively. Hours and hours a day, random shapes, colours, sizes of crocheted yarn … to be stitched eventually into a grief blanket .. or so I claim …

The pieces are piled into a giant mountain on the dining table and I tried to grab a handful of squares this morning to begin stitching together but .. I couldn’t.

What happens when they’re all stitched together? What then? Is my grief over suddenly then? What will I stitch then? Day after day, aimlessly, with no other purpose than to keep my hands busy and my mind from straying too deeply into the darkness ....

The pieces are all different sizes and shapes .. I put a few together on the flat surface of the table and cried when they wouldn’t fit neatly next to eachother, as I knew all along they wouldn’t, so why the fuck was I crying?!

… because the misshapen pieces are tactile reminders of the jagged edges of my soul. The shredded strands of my heart. The confusion of colours & textures scrambling around my mind every moment of every day.

They’ll never fit together. Nothing ever will.

Perhaps I’ll just keep making squares and circles and flowers … forever. Perhaps they’ll continue to pile up loosely in a Rubbermaid tote .. never sewn together, never finished. I’m definitely gonna need more yarn but even that is a challenge in itself.

I know I say it every entry but I’m just so tired of this .. why haven’t I woken from this nightmare yet?