Early Sunday morning. in Since OD is shutting down....

So we left here yesterday about 3:45 and got home about 9pm. It was a good night. I ate hot dogs from the gas station. My daughter was very good as usual. I have noticed new pain in my left shoulder and I’m probably going to have to get that checked out. If I move wrong, it’s painful as shit. I don’t know if something is wrong or it’s just sore from carrying stuff but I’ve noticed it over the past couple of weeks. But it was a fun night and I’m definitely glad we went.

She’s going with her big sister today around 1pm. We have to get groceries this morning and then I would like to try and make some money but I don’t know. I wish they could ever hang out earlier in the day. The middle of the day thing really puts a crimp in my plans. But, I know she’s excited and wants to go. I’m definitely glad she has even 1 person to pick her up and spend time with her.

I’m grateful that I make money and I’m getting life figured out. I don’t make a shit ton, but enough that I can start planning to buy another vehicle. It’s crazy that as a single Mom, I just have to go out and make shit happen. I can’t just sit around and wait for help because if I did, we would be hungry, homeless, and naked. I just feel that being broke and not having any direction has gone on long enough that I can’t just sit idle anymore. It’s a bummer that I have absolutely zero support system but I also want to look back and know that everything I have is solely from ME. No one can take any fucking credit for me doing what I need to.

Life’s a lot tougher when you have to do all your own thinking, make all your own decisions, and look out for your kid and yourself because there’s no one else that’s going to. I get sick of this uphill climb every day but I know that I’m going to get us where I want us to be. In a good place and we’re getting there.

It’s like the other day when I needed new brakes put on and my brother told me to wait. Uh, wait until when? Time is of the essence when that’s your transportation and how you make your money. There’s no waiting. Life doesn’t stop. His issue is he doesn’t want me to do better because he likes talking shit about me being on welfare. It’s like so many times he’s made it clear that BD shouldn’t have to pay CS. I truly believe that my family likes the predicament I’m in because they aren’t willing to help and don’t want me to climb out of this. It’s bullshit that they don’t want better for me or at least for my kid!

I can’t just sit around waiting for this or that to happen. I can’t wait around for people to express interest in our lives. I can’t wait for my car to break down and not have money to fix it or buy another one. My daughter and I deserve to live happily and comfortable just like everyone else. It’s like my brother absolutely refuses to help me in any type of way but doesn’t like me getting food stamps and thinks the amount of CS I’m to receive is unfair. There’s no winning with him either.

It’s not fair that I’ve been on my own since I got pregnant. It’s not fair that I’m the sole caretaker of a whole ass human because someone refuses to grow up and be a Dad to her. It’s not fair that I have to be responsible every single day and my income is about my CHILD, bills, and car expenses. It’s not fair that if I don’t have anyone to watch her, it’s only affecting me. It’s not fair that I have gone weeks and months without a break and I probably won’t have childcare over the Summer so that means I will have her every single minute for 3 months.

There’s a lot of things that I’ve had to roll over and accept all these years and it’s like the more I accept the bullshit, the more everyone wants me to accept. It’s like with CS, I don’t know how many times I’ve had people try and convince me that it’s completely alright that he doesn’t pay and I shouldn’t expect it. I had a guy one time go as far as telling me that I should close my CS case and forgive the arrears. I feel that since he won’t be there physically or emotionally, he is going to be held accountable financially. I understand that it’s not affecting anyone if he doesn’t pay expect me or my child but people should seriously STFU. They should be grateful that it isn’t them.

My brother liked to have told me over the Summer how my daughter’s expenses aren’t as much as CS. Yeah, and even when her expenses were he didn’t pay either. I got to go broke paying for everything out of pocket. Just the cost of childcare would have been enough to buy another financed vehicle. He just doesn’t care how much it’s been a setback for him to not pay. I couldn’t always take her with me to make money because she was just too little.

I would love to find someone to watch her even once a week but people want greedy amounts of money. I’m not going to pay someone $17/hr to watch my almost 7 year old sit and play on her phone! We saw one of the guys from her after school program last night at the store. It’s crazy how people can act and sound completely harmless but literally are the ones you have to worry about.

Sometimes I think about working there. I think about the kids and I really do miss some of them. I miss being able to work and hearing my daughter running towards me yelling, “Mom” and just so glad to have me there with her. That’s the kind of stuff that made it worth it. But, I also think about being screamed at everyday in front of children and how rude the boss had got with me so many times over the dumbest shit and where everyone could hear her. I think about the paycheck every 2 weeks and how I make that same amount of money in 1 now. I’ll never forget being so depressed by that job that I would take her to school and then lay in bed all day waiting to go to work and wonder how I’d be treated again.

It’s absolutely crazy to think about how fast that job brought me down. Even my last job where I was for 7 years didn’t get to me like this one did. I am honestly so grateful that I don’t work there anymore and I wake up every morning and thank the good Lord up above that I will never have to be there again. Fucking miserable job and I made $14/hr! I remember thinking about the fact that Spring break is coming which means there would be another 3 week wait for a paycheck. Well, here in the real world with adult bills..that’s just not feesable. I’m sorry but I have to have consistent money coming in.

We just got home from getting groceries. We ended up going to 2 different stores because I needed certain drinks and bottled water as well. I’m happy to get 2 huge packs of water for about $8. We’re going to be set for awhile. I hate having to haul them around because it hurts my back but I got both of them brought in and some in the fridge. It’s just always nice to buy groceries and have the house stocked up. I seriously love a full cupboards and a fridge stocked and ready to go.

I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday. He hasn’t even checked my messages. I understand he’s got a lot of mental shit going on but he has to know that not having contact for days at a time isn’t fair to me. It’s hurtful and confusing. I’m not trying to be with anyone else or even have any other prospects. I don’t keep a roster. I know I want to be with him but I don’t even know what’s going on, when he’ll be back or even when I’ll hear from him again. There has to be come part of him that knows his absence is unhealthy and it’s going to contribute to us not working out. It is what it is for now. I’m going to just on living and doing what I need to do. I’ve let people’s absence affect my life to the point where I couldn’t even get out of bed and I won’t do that now.

I seem to be a magnet for emotionally unavailable men. I tend to hang on until they’ve completely destroyed me. I won’t do that this time. I will admit, I’d love to see him again and spend time getting to know him but I don’t know how to deal with him going to a facility for an undetermined amount of time and there’s no contact. I think this is going to be one of those situations where I’m to just enjoy what time I do get with him and find other people to fill that void when he goes A wall.

But yeah, my daughter is leaving with her big sister soon. I’m very excited for her. I wish there was more people to pick her up and take her to outings. It makes me very angry that people miss out on her life. I will never be able to wrap my head around it. I don’t say much at all about it anymore as I’m done beating a dead horse.