Too much in 2023

A very dear friend of mine lost her son 4 days ago. He was 3.5yrs old. He’d been fighting neuroblastoma for the last 18 months of his life.

Half his short little life was spent in the hospital with tubes and wires and doctors and sickness and a cancer so vicious, so unrelenting, that it swept him away despite every hope, wish, dream, and prayer we all had for him.

I’ve known Mel since junior high. She has twin daughters who just graduated high school last year. I used to coach their soccer team years ago when my kids were small and played too. She & her first husband were going through their divorce about 8 years ago when he decided to commit suicide. She remarried a few years later and along came CJ.

Shortly after his diagnosis, Babes and I went shopping for CJ. I wanted to send him a big bucket of sunshine because he was so sick, he couldn’t be outside enjoying life & playing like he should have been. We had a blast finding as many yellow age-appropriate toys & treats to send .. we ended up with way too much to pack into the yellow play bucket I had bought specifically to be his bucket of sunshine, and we had to mail everything in a big brown box instead.

She got her second chance at happiness too. And fucking cancer took it away from her.

A few weeks after Babes died, despite Mel being neck-deep in cancer treatments with her child, hundreds of dollars of groceries arrived at my door - we live across the country from eachother - from her. Grief groceries. She would check in with me every few days, just a simple - thinking of you, love you - message.

What the fuck do I do now?

Her child is dead.

Let me be clear, no one has been delusional all this time. Even her. She knew this was a very real possibility. We all did.

After showing good signs of improvement this summer, the cancer was worse by autumn. She took CJ home from the hospital to spend Christmas together as a family. They were here in TO last month for a last ditch hail Mary stem cell treatment that they were expecting the results of next week.

Last week Mel posted about anticipating the results of the treatment but she was cautiously optimistic because CJ was laughing & playing & energetic like he hadn’t been in so long. 4 days later he was dead.

Why? Why is the world like this? Why is there so much fucking pain & heartache?

My youngest son turned 18 yesterday .. all I could think about was how CJ would never be 18. How Mel would never watch her baby boy grow up into a man.

I just feel sick. So sick with it all. The hurt. The pain. The loss. Grief.

Grief grief grief. What a shit word that doesn’t even begin to describe one iota of the agony of existence.