Coffee with Lindsay in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

Coffee with Lindsay - 10/4/2005

<font color="#ffcc99">Time for a new entry.  God i need a new keyboard, this one is giving me the shits.  Mind you I hate coffee, but that’s my title, It seemed to fit.</font>

<font color="#ffcc99">He came over last night.  Well actually I met him after uni.  I’d gone to Chermside to do my first official grocery shopping trip in my new house.  I finally have food here and don’t have to go starving anymore!  Woohoo!!  Anyways I met him at 6pmish, and we walked back to my place to watch the Family Guy movie.  That movie is SO cool hehehe.  We kinda talked for ages before it and after it, just laying there, him tickling me heaps, which was fun but annoying after a while too, only cos I want to cuddle him heaps more, then he tickles me.   Oh well, all in fun.</font>

<font color="#ffcc99">I’m kinda a bit down writing this entry.  Only a little bit, like I’m unhappy but I think I know what the reason is for it.  He doesn’t want a relationship cos he’s had a bad relationship past and doesn’t want to hurt me.  Yet we usually make out heaps.  Last night we didn’t make out, only because he’s really sick and didn’t want to pass it onto me.  Then there’s my thoughts, I don’t want a relationship either, I more want a guy to comfort and be an awesome friend to.  But I don’t want a fuck-buddy either, and this scares me, cos with what’s happening with him, that’s exactly where it’s heading.  sigh I dunno.  Last night was a lot of fun though - I love spending time with him.  It’s just, with my stupid thoughts, it seems this is gunna fuck up, sorta like we’ll hurt each other.  So you see the situation?  Me and him, hanging out as friends, we go somewhere, movies whatever, make out heaps and touch each other’s bodies and I even jerked him once (which I’m thinking maybe shouldn’t have happened, but meh whatever), and we’re just friends.  But it seems like if it was anything more or less than that, things would just turn weird.  How strange this is.  Luke’s happy for me as he thinks I’ve found someone else.  I have and I haven’t.  What part in my life will he play?  Will we eventually be boyfriends?  Will we be just normal friends?  Or will we be fuck-buddies?  Or will we be fuck-buddies leading into a pending relationship?  I’m so confused.  I really like him.  But I’m not used to this situation.  I still stick to my theory that we won’t be long-term relationship if that happens, but I just don’t see the right connections, but then again ya never know.  I’m not exactly one to walk out of a relationship unless I’m truly unhappy, and I’ve only done that once.  And thinking back on that now, it really was the right decision - really hard one though cos I still really care for the guy, just not like that.  I dunno where I’m headed with this.</font>

<font color="#ffcc99">I just got back from the city.  I finished work at 5 today.  I woke up at 11, having dropped Him off last night at Capalaba, so was in a sorta rush to get to work.  Gosh that weekend went way too quick, and now I find myself facing 4 more workdays to get through cries. lol, at least I got paid today woohoo!!  reminds me, I need to make another car payment.  I’ve only got 400 left to pay on it, from 5000 i figure that’s pretty good for me!!  woohoo!  Damn reading back on that, I really should be more proud of myself.  Anyway, hanging out with my mate Lindsay in the city was so much fun.  It always is.  I always have a fun time laughing with him.  He’s gotta be one of the smartest, yet hilarious friends I know, and is always there for me.  He doesn’t take shit either, which I admire - and some people see him as an arrogant asshole, but really, he’s just brutally honest - that’d be the way to describe him.  Doesn’t lie.  That takes a lot of willpower in this day and age.  And to be so funny.  Like for example, someone will say to him ‘how come you haven’t talked to me in ages?’  Some people would say stuff like, ‘oh just been busy and stuff, or work’.  Not him.  Lindsay will say, "cos I think you’re an absolute wanker and I don’t like you," with a smile.  LOL.  At least he’s honest.  So funny.  Today we paid out gay bois at the Coffee Club, walked around and just talked about everything and anything.  He’s a mate I can confide in I guess.  He has little sympathy for people, but he does care about his close friends.  There’s a difference.  He kinda just urges you on to solve your own problems sorta thing.  He asked me about him and stuff, and I told him I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I do really like him.  It’s a strange life afterall.</font>

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

Heh, I think Lindsay sounds like, well… me. That’s vain, isn’t it? Well I dunno. I’m sort of brutally honest with everyone I know, too.

The situation with him sounds a bit… complicated. Maybe you should sit down and talk to him? I dunno, mate. Though you really shouldn’t take advice from ME in such matters, lol…

Sigh, you’re always so busy! I so wish I had a life that was like yours! [Nesstwy.] [p] 10/4/2005 1:05:12 PM

oh, just ask him out already. [Prince Zidane] [p] 10/4/2005 1:16:38 PM

Gosh…the confusing status of relationships. I’ve found that so many people don’t want a title or feel like they can’t walk away from something in 30 seconds flat. Me, I’m a romantic. I like to know where I stand, I like him to know what I am feeling, I like to know what he is feeling. I think you’re right about the same way…but I find with myself that sometimes I’d much rather be with… [yellow_bull] 10/4/2005 1:38:20 PM

(cont)…the person and have no title or no security than to not have the person at all. Jason is terrified of being too committed. He told me yesterday that “marraige” scares him more than death. yikes…that is what cuts me.

Anyway, good luck with him. You guys sound so cute. And I’m sure he’ll notice that you’re not like the other’s. Helll, if I can all the way over here…he will. =) [yellow_bull] 10/4/2005 1:40:37 PM

Okay, I’m gonna say this and just be completely honest.
You always seem to find the same guy, just with a different face. Luke had committment issues. He has committment issues. I think this whole “I’ve had a bad experience in the past” is a load of bullsh*t. I’m sorry, it’s a cop-out. I’m tired of seeing you get involved with guys who just end up breaking your heart. It’s not fair to [Rachel Erin] 10/4/2005 2:07:22 PM

you to be stuck with guys like this. And on the flip-side to that, you need to get some serious self-esteem happening and ALLOW YOURSELF to be with guys who want to be in a relationship and be serious about it.
I know you say you don’t want a serious relationship right now, but what about the future?
You guys are playing with fire and you’re gonna get burned … again. You guys are giving [Rachel Erin] 10/4/2005 2:08:20 PM

each other mixed messages with your intense making-out and then saying you don’t want a relationship. You guys are using each other and that’s not healthy at all.
Sure, I shouldn’t talk … I’m not gay by any means and maybe homosexual relationships are way different that hetro … but at the same time, you guys aren’t being honest with each other and a relationship without honesty is nothing. [Rachel Erin] 10/4/2005 2:09:23 PM

Matt, I love you dearly and I want you to be happy. I hate seeing you in the tug-of-war of emotions and hot-cold on-again-off-again stuff. [Rachel Erin] 10/4/2005 2:10:00 PM

yeah, i had to reread that second sentence a few times.

and yes, the weekend is WAY TOO SHORT! [LegallyGay80] 10/4/2005 2:32:34 PM

hang in there buddy and have faith in the Lord’s plan. You know what I’m talking about. Talk to ya later [C-Dub85] 10/4/2005 3:01:27 PM

Just keep in mind some things you don’t need to figure out. They’ll work out exactly the way they’re supposed to. :) [CollegeDude84] 10/4/2005 4:23:42 PM

Yeah- other people have said it above. The people who are in successful and happy relationships always say that had ‘that’ feeling of it working out. If your gut instincts tell you it won’t happen, you better break it off now and just be friends or something. It’s f*cken with both your heads. I should have listened to my gut before, but I didn’t and I burnt far worse than if I’d been strong [The_Blind_Archer] 10/4/2005 5:18:06 PM

ive kind of found that if someone says that they dont want a relationship becauseof their past, they are kind of sketchy and dont need a relationship now and it shouldnt be forced. sorry [EternallyHopeful] 10/4/2005 7:26:26 PM

Matt what is to be will be. Just don’t get stressed out over it.

Ben [Taste The Rain Bow] 10/4/2005 7:26:59 PM

i couldnt get to bed without catching up on your entries as well. i’ve never really been in a situation of that sort (being friends with a guy and making out with them tons) but thats due to my fear of being hurt again. i wouldnt want to see you get hurt by him and i cant really give you an exact opinion on that as of now, due to knowing he doesnt want a relationship with you. [PetiteAnge] [p] 10/5/2005 2:19:22 AM

i’d be confused as well. i’ll continue to pray for your happiness and your intimate friendship with him because all i want is for you to be happy in life, whether its meant to be for the two of you down the road or not. i hope you have a wonderful day at work and a great evening. :~) hug [PetiteAnge] [p] 10/5/2005 2:21:52 AM

maybe u shood sit him down and say ‘not being with me is hurting me more than trying a relationship’ explain to him that u dont have to be in a relationship to hurt someone because he is hurting u now and ur not even together, take a chance. obviously there is another reason and u need to sort it out b4 u get to hurt. im sory i just hate it wen guys say they dont want a relationship bcos they dont [miss_barbie] 10/5/2005 2:32:19 AM

want a relationship cos they dont want to hurt you because honestly thats just bullshit. it sounds like he genuinly cares about you but dont u think he wood do something about it instead of just leading u on. matt i know u dont want to believe it but u need to talk to him about it bcos its killing u. it might b fun but whats gonna happen later???
hope i helped
much love [miss_barbie] 10/5/2005 2:35:28 AM

Wow sweetie, I’m confused by him and I don’t even know him. I look at it this way, if its meant to be then it will happen in its own time, you just have to relax and let fate have a little control here. I think that you two will end up togetherand despite your thoughts, I think it will be a long and rewarding relationship. Keep your chin up sweetie.

Huggs!!!

[GardenBoi] 10/5/2005 3:03:29 AM

I hate that, been going through that with Jono, hopefully things work out better for you, I’m sure I’ll have a big ass cry in my next entry bout him. You deserve happiness, ur gorgeous!! MWAH xoxo [SinderellaX] 10/5/2005 4:46:01 AM

Let me know if you wanna still be on my favs cause I’m cleaning them out and you really don’t comment so I don’t know if you’re reading. [SEPIA EMISSION] [p] 10/5/2005 5:41:39 AM

Last updated October 12, 2014