Early Friday morning. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have a couple of hours before the alarm goes off but I just can’t sleep. I’m wide awake. Again, I go to bed way too early and then I wake up and have nothing to do. I go back to sleep and then I’m exhausted when the alarm starts. Ugh.

But yeah, I won’t have to pay rent this month. Thank fucking God. I need to renew my tags and have other things to do with that money. I definitely find it odd that those people gave me and a caseworker the run around until I had someone else send a wage verification and it was done within an hour?! Interesting. I will never work for them again. I will never even suggest that job to a person.

Tomorrow I have to get my kid early but I’d hoping to work the whole time I don’t have her so we don’t have to do much over the weekend. I doubt it will go that way but no matter what, I need to make money. I will get extra at some point next week which will be a help. I’m going to start saving for another car. Even if it’s only a couple hundred a month.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do once school is out in May. I guess I’m hoping that I’ll get her into that other program at some point. I just wish that childcare wasn’t so expensive and people wouldn’t have made me a helicopter Mom.

Still thinking about that boy. I realize that I should have tried to find someone years ago because having someone who makes me happy is a really good thing. I think if I would have started dating sooner, I wouldn’t have spent so much time being mad about BD or my family. I think about the happy feelings that boy gave me and I definitely want to experience that again. I’m grateful for the experience with him because it made me realize that I am capable of love. Giving and getting. I’m not as dead inside as I thought.

I do wish I would have given it another couple of days because now I feel like I may have jumped the gun on shutting the door with him. I do think that it wouldn’t have worked out regardless though. I guess it’s just shocking how quickly things went downhill. I’m just mind blown over that. It did bother me that he’d been married 3 times and the wives apparently just like rolled out on him and he had to put a notice in the newspaper to get divorced. People don’t just leave like that for no reason. I definitely feel that there was more to the story that what I got.

My friend thinks I was too quick to walk away. I agree with her to an extent but I also remember how I used to allow myself to be completely fucking destroyed before I’d walk away and I will never do that again. I would just totally ignore red flags and just hope things would work out and it never did. If things could already go downhill within DAYS, I don’t think it’s wrong to just leave it. I do think it’s crazy how feelings can change so fast. I dated a guy that NEVER prioritized me and I stuck around for 9 fucking months. He never took me out to dinner and I had to pay for his gas to come over and he lived a mile away from me.

This guy treated me like absolute garbage. He talked to me like I was straight up trash under his feet. He didn’t care about me whatsoever and proved it every single day. I think if you start out with having no expectations then that’s what you will always get. They don’t have to change because you showed them you’ll stick around. I remember how he’d call and I could hear that happiness and excitement in his voice that I was sad that he didn’t come around or make more effort. After a few months though, I started living for me and he wasn’t enjoying that. I remember the way it made me feel that he treated me the way he did and I will NEVER allow myself to be treated like that again.

It hurt so bad that it felt like I was being stabbed all over my body everyday. Just constantly never being important. I would NEVER want to make someone feel that way. But if you let them put you through it, they will. I guess now I am hoping that I’ll find a thought that will make me feel okay with ending things. I know that I feel better with every passing day but I know I’m still bothered. I wish I would have waited but at the same time, he made it clear that I was always going to be on the back burner and wasn’t nice about it either.

I think about the other day when we were cuddling in his bed and he was kissing my face. I remember making love to him and how he went down on me. I would give anything to feel that again. I will, it just won’t be with him. I remember him always talking about having abandonment issues but he was the one bailing out on me. I think about how I probably dodged a bullet. It sucks when your head and your heart aren’t syncing up. I know it’s best that we are done but there’s still that part of me that wonders what could have been.

He wasn’t very supportive which really got to me. He tried so hard to act like he was but without doing anything. It’s like any time I have an issue with my car, I’m a total wreck and it pissed me off for him to say that he would help but then made no effort to do anything. It wasn’t his responsibility whatsoever so don’t offer something and then not go through with it. If I seriously sat around waiting for ANYONE to help, my daughter and I would be hungry, homeless, and naked. It’s just bullshit how people don’t care. Like that has become a mental illness for me.