Car, money, life. in Since OD is shutting down....

I am so glad to get new brakes but my car had a kink in the idle yesterday so that sparks a new concern. I’m hoping it was just a fluke because it is old and has a lot of miles. Just gives me something extra to worry about. I ended up not working because it was dead all day so I cleaned out my box fans, unclogged my vacuum, and just got stuff done. I went and picked up a medication because it didn’t have refills so I couldn’t get it last week. I washed my car, got an afternoon iced coffee, toilet paper and a couple extra clip boards. I have 2 in the car and it just helps me keep my papers organized and I have somewhere to write. I’m going to use them in the house as well.

So while I was getting groceries this morning, my friend called and I talked to her about that boy I blocked. I just don’t understand why I’m so pressed over a dude that has no teeth, couldn’t even afford to take me for a burger, quit making effort and wanted me to cling to crumbs. I had my friend text him where he didn’t answer her. I honestly believe that I just don’t like feeling that someone got to me. It bothers me that he blocked me after I blocked him and I’ve never had that before so I don’t know how to react. I honestly think it’s hard for me to let this go simply because I’m lonely and bored.

I admit that I miss him but we are better off apart. He’s not in a good place mentally or financially and really, I’m not either. I need more than what he was capable of giving and if things could end up this bad after like a week, I could only imagine what it would have been like after a month. I still think about certain things and want to talk to him and find where it all went wrong but I think sometimes you don’t need closure. You get it by just moving on. I try to focus on the positives in this such as obviously I am capable of loving someone and I do want to find love at some point. I really thought that I didn’t up until I met him.

So, I’ll probably be stuck paying rent for March simply because people don’t want to do their job. I’ve emailed with my caseworker yesterday and basically he needed to hear from them to get it processed so I wouldn’t have to pay. I emailed and she said that she doesn’t do wage verifications and he had talked to them and was told that they can’t give any end of employment information over the phone so he sent them something to fill out and I highly doubt that that they did so I’ll have to pay rent which is just taking from my kid.

I have to renew my tags within the next month as well. I’m going to diligently start trying to save money to go towards another car. I love mine very much and she’s been a great car to me but she isn’t going to last forever and I have to do something because it’s going to break down for the last time and then it’s game over. I’m also worried because Spring break is at the end of next month and I’ll be taking my kid with me every single day so I can make money.

I was sitting here earlier today trying to figure out what I’m going to do once school is out at the end of May. It’s going to start getting hot and my kid isn’t going to want to come with me all the time so I can make money. This deal where no one will ever help with her for even a couple of hours at a time makes me want to start screaming. I’ve bent over backwards for my family my whole life and in the past 7 years that I’ve needed help, I’ve had to be pushed to absolute insanity for it to actually happen. I definitely don’t want my Mom to babysit because she uses it as a reason to mooch and it just doesn’t work out but I would put up with it for a couple of hours here and there just so my daughter can be at home and not be in the car for hours.

Sometimes I just get so fucking angry about my situation that I can’t even see straight. Your life shouldn’t come to a screeching halt just because you had a child but mine did. I don’t think I have a normal life at all. I’ve always had to beg and plead for anyone to give a fuck and I’m so tired.