I don't know why I'm so angry in Age 36

I can’t discern how I feel. I know I feel like I have a short fuse right now. Everything makes me snap. What I can’t figure out is what. I have a few things going on in my mind. One, and the thing that concerns us all, money. I feel as though I am just incurring debt after debt on things that have to be done on the house. I come out of one, and then another thing has to be fixed. I am paycheck to paycheck with two incomes in the same household.

I can’t save for a vacation. I haven’t been able to save for my kids futures. I feel like a failure in that regard. And I have tried different things to manage my money. I have tried to create better habits and break others. The hubs is also feeling it. That right there is a lot of stress and tension.

Second, I work 12 hours shift 3 days a week. On my days off it usually goes like this: I’ll clean the first day and (maybe) do a full grocery run. On the second day I try to relax a little bit. Maybe see a friend for coffee. On the third day its prepping for the next two days I’ll be at work. I think that overall I am more at home than I am at work. Keeping this in mind, the husband does work 5 days a week. Two of those days he has the kids. Now he takes them over to his mom’s on those days, so he’s not ever really alone with them. This has been the routine since my son was born.

At time I just want to yell, “Why can’t you man the fuck up and be at home with your children instead of always trying to find someone to pawn them off on?” Because I can count on one had the times that he has been out with both at the same time. This bring another source of tension. He says he needs a life style change. That basically he doesn’t want me working 12s. He wants me to work like him.

So let me get this straight.

You want me to work 5 days a week AND STILL come home and do everything expected around the house? “You won’t be doing this all alone. We’ll split the load.” You don’t split it now. I am gone at work for 2 days and the sink will still be full of dishes. You do nothing. Not a damn thing to help in that respect. You leave everything to when I get off work and have my days off. As it is I can’t keep up with the demands of a house of 4.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband is great man, but he could be a better husband and father. Take your kids out the park. Teach your son to ride a bike. Play with your daughter more. And DON’T treat that like its a burden. Our son was in the hospital. He was treated for a really bad infection. We were told he could have had cancer. AND YOU DGAF. At least, that is how you come across.

Actions speak louder than words. Time is the most precious currency. I try to make things easier for your though you may not see it. I try to suck up a lot of things. And yet you want me to make a change to my career that I love. A career that I will die doing. A career that allows me the joy of being with my kids during the day.

No. I will not. I don’t want to. You have been a grump for the better part of the last 3 or so years because of your job. If you don’t love your job them I’m sorry. Figure that out. I can’t help you with that. I try to help you in other areas of your life. I try to take the kids as much as I can. I try not to bother with you with things.

I cringe, CRINGE whenever I have to ask you for a favor. I don’t want to ask you. I prefer to have my skin burned with the curling iron instead of having to ask you. When I ask you you are never happy to help you sigh, roll you eyes, or do something that says “oh god, what now.”

Well…this was cathartic. Let’s see what else comes out…

I look around to other fathers and I wish that you were a bit more like them. Happy to be with their family, happy that they have kids, happy that they have a good life. I never thought I would have a off hands kind of partner as a father to my children. Knowing that you want the best for them and SEEING you actively giving your best to them are two different things.

I am disappointed, I am hurt, I am resentful, I am fed up.

I need a change in your attitude of never being satisfied with the beautiful life that we have. You always seem to want more. You want to leave at any chance you get. To travel. To hang out. To not have the responsibility of a family.

It hurts to know that. It hurts to see it. I pray for a change in the better. A compromise of sorts.