The ache in 2023

I’ve been crying for two days. Again.

And it’s weird because I’ll just be doing dishes or stitching & watching TV and poof tears and ache and sobbing and then … poof back to doing what I was doing.

It’s almost become routine. A part of my day as predictable as going to the bathroom.

Every moment of every second of every day, my soul aches. And now, rather than being fewer & farther between, the tears come regularly, daily, as fresh as the day he left me.

The phantosmia is getting worse and worse. It’s driving me insane. My headaches are back with a frequency & ferocity that’s beginning to worry me.

I almost booked a doctors appointment with my family doc to talk to him about it since I feel like I’ve been sleeping so much better lately but my head continues to get worse and now these phantom fumes are overpowering. But I had a video appointment yesterday with a gynecologist he referred me to months ago, to look in to my hormones, and she’s sending me for bloodwork so I’m gonna get that done first and then book an appointment with my GP after the gynie gets the results and maybe adjusts hormonal shit because that’s probably all this is.

I started taking an estrogen supplement a couple months ago - because doc was like, I can put you on birth control to help with your skin/hormonal issues? And I was like, bro .. I’m an over-40 smoker who doesn’t even have a uterus anymore so, no thank you - so I talked to a pharmacist friend of mine (same one who recommended the proper magnesium supplement for me) and I’m taking am estrogen supplement too.

It’s helping, it’s definitely helping, but my skin is still cystic in places. My hair seems thicker & fuller, my nails seem like they’re growing more .. idk, regularly? I’m not a nail biter or chewer but my always seemed like they grew at different speeds and now they’re all growing at the same speed so they’re always the same length when I trim them.

All that said, could the increased estrogen be fucking with my moods? Would that make me more teary and weepy or less?

I got the Bluetooth headband. Used it last night and fell asleep without the TV on, listening to an 8d audio sleep playlist. Game changer. Absolute game changer.

My youngest kid will be 18 tomorrow. What the actual fuck. When did that happen? My oldest will be 22 this summer. 22. I cannot comprehend. My poor little brain is so overwhelmed with all the things.

It aches.