Mind/wars in Vulnerability

I need to try and find a way to mentally deal with the evil that goes on this world. I’m not very good at it. It’s affecting me, big-time. How do you guys do it? I need some advice.

Normally I’ve been pretty good at just ‘forgetting’ shit that’s happened to me, like pretending it didn’t happen, sweeping it under the rug, whatever. Apparently it’s a Saggitarian trait to just cut things off with no remorse. I’ve definitely managed to do that on more than one occasion.

I think it’s easier for me to not think as much about the horrid wars going on over in Ukraine and Israel/Gaza, as they aren’t near me, aren’t as close to home. It’s horrible that it’s happening of course, and most of the news I get about it is from other people’s Instagram stories posting about it - like the crowd at Taylor Swift being how many people have been killed there.

But I’m writing because I’m scared. I’ve had borderline panic-attacks for the past three evenings. I find that if I can get myself into slumber, I tend to feel a sense of refreshment the following morning. Part of me tries to trick my brain into thinking that it was all a nightmare, what seemed to happen to Jesse and Luke.
Even though I somewhat knew Luke, this has made front-page news here and my boss DATED him for six years, so man, if I’m struggling this much, how are people like him doing it?

My panic attacks are clearly being brought on by not having answers to this horrid “alleged” murder. Apparently he told a friend that he did it, so I don’t think it’s “alleged” anymore. The latest is that an angle grinder and weights were bought in the following days, so I think that’s a sure sign they are at the bottom of a water feature somewhere. Fucking asshole. The news is saying the angle-grinder was bought, which was used to cut a padlock on a property down south, and then that padlock was replaced, but geez, my overative brain thought of far worse things, but then why would he need the weights? So the latest is searching the waterways for the bodies there. The cunt is naturally still refusing to say anything. I don’t understand why they can’t just slice his nuts open and dip them in vinegar to make him talk.
The news and updates are just everywhere and unable to be escaped, especially if I’m watching channel 10, where the hosts are in tears because they worked with Jesse.

The NSW police have been uninvited from the Mardi Gras parade, as the killer is a cop, and the Mardi Gras board decided it wouldn’t be appropriate at such a time, as the public has a distrust and fear of the police. That is huuuuuuge. I was looking forward to seeing everyone pelt eggs and tomatoes at them as they walked by lol. The police commissioner is saying she’s disappointed and that the entire force shouldn’t be punished because of the actions of one person. I mean, yeah, but they’ve seriously angered the gays.
Politicians are wanting other state’s commissioners to oversee the entire murder investigation, as there’s a conflict of interest. Like this asshole will probably already get his own cushy prison by the sounds of things.

I’m surprised that I haven’t cancelled my trip there in a few days time, tbh. But I realized that if I do, I’ll just be at home, overthinking about everything as I do, and things will probably be worse. I’ll be overthinking even more there anyway HA. I’m only planning to go for four days and have only booked a play, because I’m boring haha. Plus I need a distraction, a holiday. In the place the murder happened. Yeah, bravo, Matt. I might meet up with Ryan, who I haven’t actually seen since before Covid. I won’t meet up with Peeta, as he’s pissed me off.

The Bondi Beach party went ahead. I saw a few pics and videos of it from some of the gays who still went, and enjoyed themselves, despite this shit going on. Sophie looked great on stage. I was surprised that party already happened but I guess I always attend toward the end of Mardi Gras and the event does actually go all month.
I want to try and get to that stage, like the other gays, who can just still have a good time, despite the horror surrounding them. Try to tell myself that if I too happen to run into a murderous psychopath, then that’s life. I’m just not very good at that. Meeting up with strangers off of Grindr is always a risk. I hear stories of evil people gay-baiting and such.
I just hate, hate, that there seems to be so much God-damn evil in the world.

So yeah, my latest is I need to deal with these anxiety attacks, somehow. I put on a meditation each time I feel one coming on, and pop a Seremind (although I’m still unsure if they do much, but a placebo effect is better than nothing if they don’t tbh) and try to force myself to sleep through it. I try to remember to do the 3-3-3 rule of three things I can see, hear and touch. There is an anxiety meditation on the ‘Balance’ app that I’m thankful for. Gym is still a constant most days of the week, which I am enjoying, and seems to be my only public outing other than work. I need to work on doing more so that I am not always at home, thinking about shit.
I seriously have considered talking to my doctor about it, but I don’t know if I want to go on even more medication. But if it stops me from fucking off’ing myself in a moment of darkness, then geez, maybe I should bite the bullet. I feel like it could be trauma that I’m yet to be on the other side of.

I know it doesn’t make muh sense why this is affecting me as much as it is, considering others actually knew-knew of one or even both of the boys. I only had the one real interaction with Luke, and a few reactions via Instagram with him. I hate that I am seeing posts on Instagram that Luke has liked that were only posted 10 days ago or so. It shows his name because I follow him. That’s doesn’t help.
But others are continuing on somehow through the grief. One of my workmates who worked with Luke said that the police only found one bullet-casing, so she thinks one of them is still alive. I said to her, “I didn’t even consider that!”, but then neighbours are saying they heard gunshots (plural) so I don’t wanna delve too much into that either. I told her that I’m heading to the place where it happened, and she told me to try and not think about it too much. I said, “Yeah, right, as if.” But anyway, my worimates all know I’m going and encouraged me to have a good time. I suppose that’s all anyone can do.

I know Jesse’s house is in Paddington somewhere, as there have been floral tributes being placed outside of there on TV, but I wouldn’t have a clue where, as all of those terraces in Sydney look alike. Although there might be a crowd. I’d probably burst into tears if I walked by it anyway, knowing what happened in there this time last week.

I’ll try and somewhat enjoy my few days away.

Last updated February 26, 2024