A Sensitive Matter? in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 4: New Beginnings?

This should maybe not be considered worthy of this space. But I am here to provide some separation if separation is desired. This is a space that more openly and more frequently discusses sexual matters. So, as this is a sexual matter, it seems appropriate to be placed here. But this matter is not exactly one of titillation or stimulation as much as it is more a matter of relationships and timing. But we’ll start with maybe something fun:

Obviously, Hermia and I haven’t seen each other a lot lately. This has… led me to try to be more gracious in the “Uh oh, Aku” thinking. A “I miss you so much I can feel a physical ache” and ending a phone call with crying because “I don’t know when I’ll see you again”. I mean… Aku not Thompson because… long distance? Sure. Makes sense. Living less than 6 miles away? A little more worried. BUT, again, we’re both in shows so we’re in a position where we don’t see each other every day.

On Saturday, we were able to spend some time together. We had from about 11 am to about 4 pm. We had lunch, hung out, and spontaneously had sex. I do find it important to point out the experience. My marriage was… never like that. I was never wanted so much in the marriage that sex just happened based on an overwhelming desire. Now as I write that, I do have to point out that my ex-wife and I DID have much more of a sex life before we got married! And that comparison is never fair or acceptable. I mean, at 7 months in… I was 21, the ex was 25… so different in fundamental ways from me being almost 40, and the girlfriend being 32. But we had sex and much to my surprise, I did finish. Of course, I used protection. I’ve not had unprotected sex since 2019/2020. But, even Hermia mentioned how surprised she was that I finished considering I had so much on my mind. A performance of my play that night, a performance of my play the next day, my parents on their way to my town to see the play, everything at work, the jury trials… everything on my brain. Logically speaking, it shouldn’t have happened. I was very surprised. I’m chalking it up to the fact that we haven’t seen each other much this month. But… cool. Nice.
Though, afterwards, she had a severely Aku moment! My ex-gf from long ago Aku once had a massive mental break down mostly naked on my bed. Like… such a deeply, traumatic, full mental/emotional breakdown that I had someone follow her to work to make sure she didn’t intentionally slam her car into a concrete median! Aku had been severely sexually and physically abused as a kid. It’s no excuse for her attempt(s) on my life and/or the violence done to my person; but it is worth noting that… her PTSD is likely what led to that massive breakdown. On Saturday, the dog was trying to force the door open to check on his mommy. After we finished, I go to the door and the dog tries to get past me. I think the Dog succeeds (he does not) and warn “incoming”. I instantly see that the dog has, instead, sprinted downstairs as opposed to continuing the campaign against the door, and quickly retract my statement. But when I turn to look at her? She’s in the PTSD ball. I’m instantly brought back to that place in 2002. Naked woman having a massive emotional/mental breakdown in front of me. Hermia has enough self-awareness to mention how, from an outsider’s perspective, the “move” could be seen as highly manipulative… she wants to see me more but I have to leave, so she has a massive panic attack. I know that isn’t what it is. But the parallels with Aku’s incident just… cannot be shaken.

Later via text, Hermia tells me that the PTSD incident caused her to remember exactly how many times her ex-husband would physically abuse her in vulnerable moments like… naked after sex. So the sudden thought of the dog barging and and “getting her” while she was on the bed, naked triggered it. And… this is just part of dating someone who has been victimized by Domestic Violence. I know and understand that. Obviously, I’m not thrilled with it; but I appreciate this is something that happens and I’ll need to be sensitive to it.

Fast forward to the next day. After the conclusion of the Sunday Matinee, I got to Hermia’s. We hang out. We kiss a lot and she openly mentions that she’s horny and wants to have sex; but respects that I’m not in the mood because of being tired from the show and stressed for the work load coming up. Lots of kissing. Lots of touching. And she keeps pointing out: “You make that noise when you’re horny.” Uh… you mean the semi-grunt semi-sigh I make when I’m happy to be resting with someone I care about? “You also make that noise when you’re horny.” O… kay. We do not have sex. And I am, honestly, glad of it. I was not in a headspace/emotional place where I was up for that.

Fast forward to the next day. Monday. I’ve had a full day of work, driven her to and from her rehearsal, and watched her child all evening. She climbs into my lap and clings there (like a baby monkey to a mamma monkey) and starts kissing me a lot. Which, fine. I’m not bad mouthing, necessarily. But… I’m… also… me. I’m tired and I’m old, lol. I’ve had a very full day and recuperating by sitting on the couch and talking, or watching a program, or something sounds really nice. She actually points out, “Why don’t you want to kiss me?” I am kissing you. “Yeah, but not like… I want more.” She does specifically say, “You’re just… the best kisser I’ve dated and I’ve missed you and kissing you is very IT’S HIM AND HE’S HERE.” Which… fine. It’s good to know I’m appreciated.

And I’m thinking… I don’t want to be Nancy, lol. I know I’m not actually at risk of that. It is perfectly acceptable to not want to engage sexually multiple days in a row, especially if you haven’t actually spent that much time with the person recently. And when I’m in this weird emotional/mental place where I have to hold the Character in my Mind/Body but won’t be performing him for a few days… does play a part in it. AS DOES Monday being 100% “other people’s priorities” all day for me. Work the whole day into helping Hermia into watching her kid into helping Hermia. I just… I need to find, to carve out, some legitimate honest me time. But I can’t actually because Hermia is very much in a mood of “You haven’t seen me much because of your play, you aren’t seeing me much because of my play; if you don’t want to see me while we have time to see each other, then that means you don’t want to see me!” So… yeah! I’m just… a little concerned with it. Hopefully the, “I’m not in a place right now to engage with you physically.” Doesn’t become a bigger problem!