Tina says I'm amazing in Each Day

She also says it’s not a compliment, as though it’s an objective statement. She was basically saying that it’s amazing that I manage to keep perspective despite the extreme emotional response I have to things. Which I’m pretty sure is a trauma response. I think of it as a pendulum. One side over-react. One side under-react. I always start with the over-reaction, rationalize, think about the opposite perspective, and swing to under-react. Then I Justify my feelings, reiterate the wrong committed, and swing back just shy of over-react, back and forth, until I land somewhere closer to the middle, understanding different perspectives, deciding whether my hurt or over-reaction was justified or emotional, and then react accordingly.

This was the second session in a row where we ended up talking about my inability to regulate when I’m in pain. We talked about oversharing, and how complaining is actually self regulation. But the problem is, I maintain that I shouldn’t be doing this at work. Vulnerability is generally a good thing, sure, but not when your goal is professionalism. I also need to find better coping mechanisms because my inability to regulate means I am crying at my desk. A Lot. I want to be able to have a conversation with colleagues (NOT FRIENDS) where I don’t vomit my pain at people, and they leave conversations looking like they’re wondering what just happened.

It continued today. I woke up with a headache, and went to work assuming it would get better as they sometimes do. Nope. And then my monitor, which I have had IT look at this problem FIVE TIMES since I got back from Christmas, decided to act up again. I swore a lot. Cried but managed to hide it. Threw SEVERAL short but aggressive temper tantrums (for lack of a better term. Mostly bursts of ranting/swearing). And then finally told my coworker/supervisor that I was fucking done, I was going home before I made (more of) a scene.
I’ve been pretty miserable all day, despite having a lot of painkillers. I wanted to come home and clean. I wanted to come home and play a video game. Instead, I came home, didn’t even get out of my uniform before coaxing Valentino to lay on my chest under a blanket and scroll tik tok while I absorbed his healing purrs. Instead of eating lunch. Because my misery was stronger than my appetite.

The Great Uncluttering continues. I’ve done the big categories so consistently that the big jobs aren’t really that big. My wardrobe is already as minimal as I want it to be. Our kitchen gets cleaned and sorted every January for the last several years. So that’s the easy part. I’ve also been tackling the box of nostalgia, which is mostly just photos, so I bought a few little albums so I can have those photos out where people can look at them. I’ve deconstructed a few albums because they were so bulky.
The album containing my photos from the 1995 trip to South Africa and Zimbabwe was one such album. I took out 90% of the pictures of Rome, keeping only those with our family in them. I did save a few nature shots in Africa, mostly Vic Falls. I had written a little blurb inside the cover of the album, which I took a picture of. The book was sitting on the table, and clearly M read it, as one day he told me he had a surprise movie, and then we watched Hocus Pocus. When I realized what the surprise was, I was like “OMG! Apparently I watched this movie three times in Africa and I have no recollection of it!” He said he knew, that’s why he chose it as a surprise.
I’ve been reflecting on this and I keep thinking about how sweet a gesture it is. M isn’t always one to connect the dots, so the thoughtfulness of this gesture is really striking.

Week 6 is kitchen week. M and I have cleaned out a few cupboards so far, but we’re going to have to do a bit of a spree over the weekend. We have 16 cupboards, plus under the stove. So far we’ve done 5 of the 16. I cleaned the fridge thoroughly last month. I feel like we’re doing pretty well, really. After this week we get into the life-lessons side of uncluttering, while still tackling problem areas. For us it will be the basement, my old exercise room which M has coopted with his crap. I would like to turn into a stained glass studio this time around.
It’s been nice doing this with him, this time. I’m used to doing the January Cure without him, sometimes despite him, but he’s been coming around more and more to the idea that we have too much stuff, even for, or especially because of, a house this size.

I’m looking forward to being on the other side, many steps closer to the minimalism of my desired self.

Last updated April 01, 2024