Brain stew in 2023

I’m gonna smoke a joint and try to get this out because while I’m not quite ready to try writing the book again, I feel like with this 8d audio stuff I’m a lot closer than I was. I want to be able to come back here and grab these snippets that I jot down rather than dragging out my laptop and properly typing shit in word before I lose it.

After my little eureka moment with the neurodiversity the other day - which is still a label that I need to get over - I don’t like labels of any sort. People are just people and we’re all different and shouldn’t be stuck with a label someone came up with because they realized we weren’t the same as them.

Anyways, I was trying to organize my thoughts most of the day yesterday in anticipation of being able to describe/write down how it feels daily up in there for me. That was a chore lol and realistically would be better shown in a drawing form I think but here goes …

From the moment I open my eyes in the morning, I am switched on .. immediately thoughts begin exploding ..

What did you dream about? We dreamt about a dog one time was that last night? How many scoops on the coffee in the machine. 3. 3 scoops. 8 × 8 is 16. Double yolks are twin chickens. Why does is smell like vehicle exhaust again? Is that you, Babe? Oh its gone. Pee first then get fresh socks. Birds outside. Geese. Spring. Spring? Picasso. P-i-c-a-s-s-o. 3 × 7 is 21 and 21 twice is 42 which is also 6 × 7. That book that book, Wolf By The Ears, I loved that in high school, I should find that book again. Do we have cheese? I should crochet a stump sock for Grace. What if I hadn’t escaped Scott? Omg. Don’t go there don’t go there don’t go there. Check the top of the fridge for more sweetener, sugar is gross in coffee. 436 4677, that was our phone number in 1989.

And then I put my feet on the floor to start my day .. all those things rush through my head at the same time and it continues like that all goddamn day .. if I try too hard to focus on something, I get a headache.

I smoke a lot of weed and get a lot of bullshit about it from my doctor - “it contributes to depression, paranoia, and anxiety. “

Brother…

Again, I am not your typical .... what’s the opposite of neurodivergent lol … person.

I don’t smoke indica - the “couch high, mad munchies, giggles, pass out” weed. I smoke sativa - the “hyper focused, mad creative, lowers my body pain” weed.

I refuse the narcotic pain medication prescribed for “fibromyalgia” (I’m on the fence about that diagnosis) and the leftover permanent physical trauma from my marriage.

They hyped me up on fentanyl so I was able to shuffle out of the apartment to the ambulance in June and then while in the hospital for 6 days they kept me on a steady flow of liquid morphine rather than listening to me and trying a strong muscle relaxant because the pain was in my hip/sciatic and wasn’t anything to do with fucking cysts bursting on my mangled ass ovaries that were left in after my hysterectomy 7 years ago. I’ve had ovarian cysts bursting for years and it didn’t feel like that for fuck sakes but because that’s what they saw in an ultrasound, that was the diagnosis.

I wholeheartedly trust 99% of the medical field, I am not shitting on anyone, I’m just saying I smoke weed and get my shit done rather than take narcotics like that. My sciatic or whatever it is going on in my right hip still acts the fool now and then but nothing like last June so .. I manage.

I forget where I was going with this entry but maybe that was the point .. just get out the brain stew.

Feeling overwhelmed today. No reason. I crawled out of bed around 1am and lay on the couch with headphones and audio for half an hour or so, and then went back to bed and was asleep in 10 minutes. It sucks that by the time I realize I should have taken a prescription sleeping med to fall asleep, it feels too late to take one because they knock me out for a solid 10-12 hours and I don’t want to sleep until 11am-noon. Thankfully the audio worked.

I’ve been oogling those Bluetooth sleep masks on Amazon that have wee speakers or whatever on each side of the sleep mask - that would be genius. I started wearing a sleep mask because I sleep with the TV on and Babes used to turn it off when he came to bed an hour or so after me. But since losing him, it stays on all night and I would wake up through the night because of the light from it. Enter sleep mask. It’s been perfect. Now I just need better headphones because the ones I use are the bulky A10’s I use for gaming and they’re ridiculous, honestly, in any context other than gaming lol.

Dee and I are gonna be stealthy today and while he distracts the girls I’m going to “disappear” their two favorite rope toys. I talk so much about vacuuming because Grace has absolutely completely annihilated both ropes and would lay for hours pulling little strings out one at a time and leaving the bits all over the floor.

But then I caught her teaching Sadie how to do it and the two of them lay together spitting tiny bits of rope all over the goddamn floor. So .. bye bye ropes lol .. theres damn near nothing left of them anyways, rather than being thick twisted ropes like they were they’re now long thin strands of string that are stiff with slobber in most places.

Maybe I’ll be able to go two entire days without vacuuming once the ropes are gone? And don’t feel bad, they literally have a toy box in the living room of balls and squeakers, and Kongs, and oThEr rOpE tOyS so I’m sure they’ll survive.